Knight Scarlett Kelrune vs. Battlelord Raiju Kang

Knight Scarlett Kelrune

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Female Echani, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Battlelord Raiju Kang

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Nautolan, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Thank you both for participating in Coach's Corner, and seeing this match through to completion.

I'd like to highlight the strengths of both members. This was a close and well written match. The pitfalls weren't story in the traditional sense, but as it relates to the Combat Center itself. From a sheer writing perspective, both authors do a wonderful job and have great potential.

Scarlett, I'd love to see more of you within the ACC. The potential is there to be a significant threat within the rankings. Just need to become more comfortable with the system and its structure.

Raiju, it's good to see your writing continue. Your character is truly interesting and provides fun opportunities for story as a result. This was demonstrated by your opponent's initial motivations. If you highlight the combat more in future matches, you'll continue to develop into a strong competitor.

Please review the comments and don't hesitate to reach out for more specific discussions, if you feel the need. With the scores tallied, by a slim margin, Raiju Kang is the winner.

I hope you both had fun, and look forward to more in the future.

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Scarlett Kelrune, Battlelord Raiju Kang
Winner Battlelord Raiju Kang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Scarlett Kelrune's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Raiju Kang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 17 June, 2018 3:59 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Lontra Boglach Bliss
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Only small issues between both posts. Extra proofers can help clean this up. Rationale: Only minor issues in the first post, but several more in the second that included tense dancing and comma usage. Taking proper time for multiple proofers can help with this.
Story - 40%
Lontra Boglach Bliss
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: The care shown to not only respecting the established story, but adding to it as well, is a great boon to the story on display. The character traits were acknowledged and put in the spotlight for all to see, without making a show of it. What hurt was the pacing of the action. By my estimation, it made up roughly half of the middle post (in terms of overall plot) and then barely a third of the final post. The focus was too much off of Scarlett and Raiju as a conflict, turning to outside factors and Raiju himself. This hurt the score. Rationale: There was a great deal that was done very right in terms of the combat. In fact, the potential was definitely there for an easy 4 between the structuring of the plot and the action demonstrated. However, the utter lack of combat in the first post is considered a major detractor for this category. I'd love to see more of this writing as it matures within the system!
Realism - 25%
Lontra Boglach Bliss
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Please refer to the post comments. There was a minor hit in both posts, the first referring to level of skill as a minor error and the other disregarding a power on the sheets. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Continuity - 20%
Lontra Boglach Bliss
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Lontra Boglach's Score: 4.0 Bliss's Score: 3.9
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended arena. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

The crowd roared from the overhead balconies, the unrestrained bellowing of their voices echoing throughout the pit in anticipation of the battle to come. Debris lay strewn about the makeshift arena, mementos of matches gone by littering the scorched ground. The metallic stench of freshly spilled blood lingered in the air, wafting through the audience and driving them further into their frenzied bloodlust.

This was a place of strength, a center of power where those who felt the siren call of combat could test their might to the thunderous applause of hundreds, if not thousands. Here, weakness was burned away in the fiery forges of conflict, bringing fortune and glory to those with the skill and determination to succeed.

It was here, in the center of this shrine to power, that a lone woman stood waiting. Skin as pale as moonlight adorned the soft edges of her face, with wild hair as black as the void between the stars dangling down around her features. She wore a wicked, eager grin on her face and her piercing silver eyes bespoke of a deep hunger. She stood clad in her dread black armor, still splattered by the viscera of her previous foes. She paced back and forth like a hungry beast, eyes never averting from the turbolift that would soon bring her a new morsel.

She did not have to wait long, the grinding of the turbolift was audible even over the chanting of the seas of people above. As the shaft descended, Scarlett had to chuckle to herself.

You'd think they'd learn by now.

As the doors opened the young Echani was greeted by the sight of a large Nautolan man. His green skin reflecting the overhanging lights, his unblinking obsidian eyes boring directly into her. His figure was obscured by the bulky armor he wore, blotted in dark colors that faded into the shadows. His expression remained stoic as he stepped towards her.

Raiju had been strong armed into this, the price to be paid yet again for one of his many debts. A powerful crime boss, to whom he owed more credits than he cared to admit, had given him a choice: fight in the Matron's Pit and pay back his debt with the winnings and bets or be hunted for the rest of his life. He decided to oblige the request.

As the two combatants sized each other up, a voice came crackling in over the ramshackle intercom system overhead.

"Alright, pit scum! The rules on this one are clear: no weapons, fists only. Break my rules, and your winnings are forfeit. Now let's get to the action!"

They looked at each other and smiled.

This should be easy they thought.

Darth Renatus, 22 June, 2018 6:39 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Skin as pale as moonlight adorned the soft edges of her face, with wild hair as black as the void between the stars dangling down around her features.

This is an example of really wonderful descriptions. It's clear at a glance what the tones would be like. This level of detail can be seen throughout the writing. The match itself isn't tossed together without consideration for reason. It's crafted with purpose and put to the page. That detail, when plied alongside combat, is a dangerous threat for any ACC combatant.


Areas For Improvement

I recognized this in the writing very quickly, and more so because I've fallen into the same trap and got called on it. Looking at the first paragraph as an example, from a sentence structure perspective what is most common? They all flow as "something happens" then a comma, then "something happening". Each and every one. I did this myself for the entirety of a match. It's not something that is technically wrong, in and of itself, but it has an effect on reading and flow. Something to be more aware of and something I'm pointing to as a similar addict of the structure.

This should be easy they thought.

While italics were employed, this thought dialogue still should be treated as dialogue. That means punctuation and comma rules. In this case, a comma after "easy" should be added. Would also flow better as "they each thought". Other syntax issues can be seen with some tense dancing, as seen with an entire sentence following "-ing" verbs.

Overall, the real area I'd like to see for improvement would be for the pacing of your story. In the ACC, combat is a required part of story. A great rule of thumb I try to follow is to space out roughly 50% of my post content to be combat related, be it interwoven with dialogue and pauses or not. As this is the opening post, it's important to set up motivations and context while also hopping into the action of the combat. The set-up is done really well, but it's all building up without payoff. The writing didn't reach the word count ceiling, so there was room to play and it's unfortunate that this was missed.

A chorus of laughter filled the hanger following the announcement. It rattled off the broken and discarded machinery that littered the environment before turning into a roar of unintelligence ramble. Catcalls aimed at the woman came from a group of Twi’leks hanging out of the control room viewports, while on the catwalks above, a trio of Trandoshans hung over the rails to snarl and curse the Nautolan. The crowd of scum and villainy became frenzied as they disputed the obvious choice in the battle; would brute force of the large Nautolan overcome the skill they had witnessed in the woman?

For several long, drawn out moments, the Nautolan held his gaze upon the woman. He needed to buy time for those that still needed to place their bets. Finally he scoffed and turned his gaze upon the crowd and gave them a toothy grin. A rally of support was quickly consumed by a wave of taunts directed at Raiju, but that didn’t seem to bother him as he waved and gestured towards individuals that caught his eye.

“Are you quite done?” The shrillness of the woman’s voice cut through the chorus, yet the Nautolan failed to turn back to her. Instead, he grinned at a sour looking figure completely shroud in black; motioning at him with a thumbs up like he was trying to cheer up the man.

“Darling, there’s no need to get jealous that I’m not trying to woo you.” Finally Raiju turned back to face the woman, still carrying a stupid grin. “After I’m done spanking you here, I’d be happy to let you have a turn at the helm. We could even get you an outfit that says ‘My Master Is A Green Freak’.”

“That’s not funny.” The tone of the woman had quickly soured while the Nautolan bellowed at his own comment. “Slavery is not something that should be joked about.”

“Relax, you might have a chip on your shoulder but slavery is part of life. Part of my clan’s imperial ways.”

Without warning the gloved right fist of the woman leapt from its place by her side towards the jawline of the Nautolan. As if he had been expecting the attack, Raiju quickly tucked his head towards his shoulder and brought his left arm up to hug the side of his face, absorbing the strike. Yet, a howl of frustration from the woman announced more incoming attacks as she now swung in combination - first left, then right. Raiju was quick to bring his right arm up but the woman’s tiny fist still found its way to smash the Nautolan’s ear. This left him slightly dazed for her right that drilled him in his abs - sending him recoiling away from the woman and trying to get some distance. Blow for blow, the fight continued with the woman on offense while Raiju turtled in defense.

Raiju’s technique, if you could call it that, was awful. Not once over the years had he ever considered taking martial arts, priding himself as a barroom brawler. Scarlett clearly had the form of someone with years of dedicated training. Recognizing this, Raiju knew he had to play for an opening...and that meant getting his butt handed to him until then.

Scarlett smashed a flurry of fists into the Nautolan. His saving grace was the armour he wore, softening many of the blows. Recoiling kept the worst of it from overwhelming him. Finally, the woman seemed to abandon her form for passion and raised her hands together over her head. Raiju’s right arm dropped to his side and he imagined an extension on his fist as he waved it towards the woman’s gut. An groan first escaped the woman as she absorbed the attack, then it forced her off balanced and onto her back gasping for air.

A eerie silence quickly took over the crowd as they processed what had happened. In that time, Raiju had regained his composure and stood above the woman with a toothy grin, while a rambling grew in the audience. The concern of the crowd grew into shouts that the Force usage was unfair. Immediately, a look of disgust covered the Nautolan’s face as he looked around the hangar with outstretched arms.

“What?!” Raiju started, glaring at the control room. “Is this not what you came for?!”

Darth Renatus, 22 June, 2018 7:01 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

It's clear the writing jumps on the plot threads offered up in the first post and expands on them, fully integrating into the plot and evolving it further. This is a beneficial skill to really hone and keep demonstrating. At the same time, the Aspects and traits of the characters are used in a natural way that services the story. A strong asset for any ACC writer.


Areas For Improvement

Catcalls aimed at the woman came from a group of Twi’leks hanging out of the control room viewports, while on the catwalks above, a trio of Trandoshans hung over the rails to snarl and curse the Nautolan.

The flow here, thanks to comma usage, is quite clumsy to get over. Commas themselves are a strange pitfall in writing. The rules are endless, many having conditional exceptions, and it's just flustering. In this case, it would help to read it out loud to get a sense of things. That can help in most writing.

as she now swung in combination

More awkwardness, but mostly relating to tense. The "now" challenges the notion that this is occurring in past tense, obscuring the structure. This could be written as: as she started to swing in combination.

Scarlett clearly had the form of someone with years of dedicated training.

At +1, it's considered Learned. The implication here is of a far greater skill level in the martial art. While it could be argued as just inaccurate, this perception goes on to influence Raiju's actions as something he recognizes and reacts to. It's exceedingly minor, but still an error. Something to be mindful of.

Suddenly the large man felt … dread. An existential terror overwhelming his very being, infusing his soul with it's twisted taint. Visions of darkness, past pains and failures flashed through his mind one by one as the waves of terror and panic crashed against the shores of his mind.

No, this … what is...

A roar of anger erupted from the shaken man, his unblinking eyes coming to look upon the intense glare of the woman.

“You … get out of my head!”

A roar of laughter erupted from the intercom system that silenced the agitated rumblings of the crowd.

“Alright you slag heaps, you wanna play it that way? Fine. I'll be keeping your earnings for myself, but you still better put on a hell of a show for us. If you don't, I'm gonna void you both into space. Now let's have some blood! No restraints, no rules!”

About time the large Nautolan thought to himself.

Grasping his lightsaber firmly, he lept towards the Echani woman. As he closed the distance between them Scarlett grasped for her own saber, the crackling of her chaotic red blade echoing through the suddenly still and silent atmosphere.

They lunged at once, blade locking with blade, a whirlwind of mighty blows and deft dodges. The woman's rage mounted as the fight progresses and she felt herself once again losing herself in her mindless emotions.

She screamed and lunged. One attack after the other after the other. Primal fury and a passion deep and longing. The need to destroy, to incinerate her foe and leave nothing left of him. To rip and tear until the job was done.

Raiju faltered, the hurricane of attacks going faster and harder than he could keep up with. He was pushed back, forced into a defensive position to prevent her all out rage induced lunacy from ripping him to shreds.

He focused the Force within him and unleashed another blow, pushing her back with the power of his push. And she charged back. Again and again, undeterred from the damage she had received.

But as the woman seemed to slow down, the Nautolan saw his chance. In a quick and deft maneuver he brought his blade slashing down her exposed torso, melting away her armor into slag and searing her flesh in agony.

As he stood over her, prepared to land his killing blow, he looked upwards at the man from earlier. His head shook and the meaning was clear: leave this one alive.

As he stepped away from the scarred woman and towards the baying of the crowd, he heard her voice whisper out:

“Y-you think this is over? Not even c-close. I'll gut you like a fish and hang your corpse above these rafters. You're a dead man walking.”

Raiju smiled his toothy grin, and with one more nod to the shady man in the crowd, ascended the turbolift.

Darth Renatus, 22 June, 2018 7:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Again, descriptors are the highlight of the show in this post. There's demonstrated understanding of skills and powers, with a care given to depicting them well. I challenge the author to take this and run with it. Flow it into every aspect of the writing and capture the reader's attention, demanding it and not letting them look away.


Areas For Improvement

They lunged at once, blade locking with blade, a whirlwind of mighty blows and deft dodges.

In this sequence, we can see an example of internal flow at threat. In the previous lines, Raiju had already lept towards Scarlett, and she reacted by arming herself. If this is a case where they move at the same time, Raiju was already in motion. Conversely, it could mean that a dual lunge occurred as a continuation of the previous action. It's confusing, but extra proofing and additional eyes can help catch these little mix-ups that the authors themselves might miss.

Whether from outside time constraints or otherwise, there's a definite "rushed" feeling to the writing of this post. This is relayed by the rapid-fire, short paragraphs as well as the structure of those sentences. It's like a mad sprint to the end for the reader's mental narration. This can be a great tool when used for effect, but for the entirety of the content it can be borderline exhausting. Beyond that, and especially when looking at the combat related aspects of Raiju, there was a great chance to splice dialogue between the clashes and encounters. Even attempts at it. This would help embellish the traits shown on the sheets and add to the writing.

The words had barely left the Nautolan’s mouth before the audience turned on him. The heckling had switched to cursing. From above, a Trandoshan spat at the Nautolan, which hit its mark on the side of Raiju’s face. However, this all quickly turned into applause as Raiju felt pressure on his throat. He writhed in place as he struggled against the sudden chokehold he found himself in.

The woman had used the crowd as a distraction to get the jump on him. Instinct buried Raiju's thoughts as he clawed at her arm and failed to find a grip. In addition, he now felt the woman’s legs fix themselves around his waist and felt her body stretch; putting more pressure on his windpipe.

I’m going to snap this kriffing woman’s neck! The Nautolan thought to himself, Totally gonna yell something catchy when I do it, too…

Despite the Nautolan’s thoughts, he knew he didn’t have time to waste with revenge fantasies. The woman shifted her weight like she was trying to roll Raiju on his side, likely to pin one of his arms. Yet, the Nautolan struggled to maintain his spot on top of the woman and cautiously stretched his right arm over his shoulder, feeling for the woman’s face. As his hand came close; Raiju felt the woman shift her weight at the last minute and he had to stop to adjust. Finally, as if she had given up shifting and just focused on keeping his windpipe close, the woman stopped and that allowed the Nautolan to pinpoint her location.

He snapped his wrist backwards and activated the bracer strapped to his arm. A slender blade immediately appeared and then quickly vanished as the Nautolan drove it deep into Scarlett’s eye. Wrenching the blade out, Raiju noticed the blood now painting his hand. More importantly, the arm around his neck loosened and he wormed his head out of her grapple.

Rolling off the woman’s body, the Nautolan inched away from the corpse. A hacking cough cleared his airways and a deep gasp echoed from Raiju as he crawledl.

It was the shadow that fell over him that finally brought the Nautolan back to reality. Looking up from his place on the floor, Raiju noticed most of the pirates from the control room had emptied it and now surrounded him. Yet, for the moment, they held off their vigilante justice and waited upon a small Ithorian to speak through the protocol droid accompanying him..

“You clearly knew the rules of the match, Raiju. No Weapons, fists only.”

“Aye and I also knew the penalty; my winnings would be forfeit. Good thing for me, my winnings were already forfeit.” Raiju replied with a grin, taking the time to rise from the floor as well. “Rules didn’t apply to me.”

“The rules most certainly applied to you, as your winnings alone do not cover your debt and your disqualification doesn’t get me anything.”

“No, but it did get all your bookies paid for you - which you get a percentage of.” Raiju then proceeded to point at the sour looking man in black, whom now stood at the edge of the crowd. “And it did pay him, betting on a D.Q., who’s willing to buy out my debt to you.”

“And why would he want that?” This time after the protocol droid finished, it was the sour looking man that spoke; stepping forward though refusing to pull down his hood. While Raiju imagined few among them would recognize the Voice of the Brotherhood, the authority in the man’s tone even put him on edge.

“Because the Nautolan can be useful to me,” the man was firm with his statement, especially as he continued from over his shoulder as he walked away. “But this is a limited opportunity for you to make back your credits from him. I won’t be negotiating for a creature that could be easily replaced by either of us.”

“‘Fine-”

“Your payment is with your bookie.” The Voice cut off the protocol droid with a shout. At no point did the man pause for the Nautolan to catch up, forcing the still panting Raiju to awkwardly ramble a sarcastic goodbye to the Ithorian before he took off running. When he had caught up, as the Voice entered the turbolift, doubt finally set in on Raiju.

What have I got myself into now. He thought to himself as the doors closed on the pair.

Darth Renatus, 22 June, 2018 7:16 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Much like in the first post, the writing is strong in conveying the aspects of the characters and the tools they have on hand. At the same time, it respects the structure of the story previously established, while continuing to grow it. When applied to the combat itself, or the other character, it can help with quality greatly.


Areas For Improvement

While a combatant can be fatigued, distracted, or just unable to respond to Precognition, it should at least still register and an attempt should be made. The stab to Scarlett's eye wasn't disguised. It wasn't misdirection. The fact that there was no reaction whatsoever to this pending and fatal act is a misnomer when faced with a +3 in Precognition. From a content point of view, this also finishes off the match barely a third of the way into your final post, making Scarlett merely a footnote in the story of this match. The focus then shifts to Raiju's deal and the injection of the Voice as a "get me out of here" ex machina. It's a smart play on the story and the situation, but it's not a good continuation of the story. The focus should be on the combatants and their combat, not on the outsider influencers.