Warrior Magik vs. Knight Ryan Hawkins

Warrior Magik

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
vs.

Knight Ryan Hawkins

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Juggernaut
Comment

I would like to thank both you gentlemen for your participation in Operation: Tempered Iron. This was an interesting match given the closeness of the two clans, and I must say I was surprised by the direction you took things in.

Ryan, you did a good job limiting your character's movement to maximise what he was able to do with limited mobility, it got a bit close near the end, but it's just about acceptable. The direction you set the match on wasn't what I'd have expected, but it felt like it could have gone much further, especially towards the end. I think you definitely have a future in the ACC and look forward to seeing more from you.

Magik, I think with some solid proofing behind it and some practice, your work could improve leaps and bounds from what is a fairly solid foundation to become a strong ACC'er. I've gone into some detail in the post comments, but if you keep using the environment to add to the tension in the conflict, you have the start of a winning formula. Once you clean up the things, I've pointed out you could definitely push further and maybe win some matches.

At the end of the day there has to be a winner, and after calculating the scores, it is my honour to announce Ryan Hawkins as the winner of this match.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Magik, Knight Ryan Hawkins
Winner Knight Ryan Hawkins
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Ryan Hawkins's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Club Vertica
Last Post 11 September, 2018 4:11 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Ryan Hawkins Magik
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Repeatedly spelling your opponent's name incorrectly was baffling in your second post and took me out of it. Rationale: Spelling mistakes and not capitalising Jedi are the main offenders here and they made it hard to read at times.
Story - 40%
Ryan Hawkins Magik
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: Nothing spectacular in terms of story but nothing catastrophic enough to warrant lower than a 3. Rationale: A rather straightforward story that lacked any real depth to it despite good use of the environment in places keeps this at a 3.
Realism - 25%
Ryan Hawkins Magik
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Even with a narrow power advantage, Magik is skilled enough in his martial art as to not be taken down so easily. Rationale: Miswriting of Lightsaber inflicted wounds drop your score.
Continuity - 20%
Ryan Hawkins Magik
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing found. Rationale: No errors spotted.
Ryan Hawkins's Score: 3.92 Magik's Score: 3.65
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Club Vertica

A gambler’s den of the Vertical City’s greatest bettors, Club Vertica is a casino reserved for the wealthiest of Nar Shaddaa. Cardshark droids are used exclusively to deal hands to those willing to risk their credits at the sabacc tables. Cheating is rendered near impossible under the surveillance of the droid's six photoreceptors. That, of course, does not stop the downtrodden from accusing others of being a fraud, which can often happen before someone receives a blaster bolt between the eyes. The few that have been able to use skiffers undetected are counted as some of the best swindlers in the Galaxy.

Cerulean lights illuminate the tables, making concealment during a game difficult. Seated around most of the oval tables are a mix of gamblers from different species, succumbing to their addiction for the ultimate prize—the sabacc pot. Credits are tossed onto the tables forming mountains that draw in fierce competitors with deeper pockets and faster wit than the usual patrons.

Behind the games of sabacc, drinks are being served from the alcove of a small bar. Most of these are a shade of blue in color, expertly mixed to dull the senses of all but the hardiest individuals. Onstage, a local band sets the mood of the venue with an upbeat number that deafens out most conversations. The stakes are always high at Club Vertica.

At least Odan-Urr could have given me time to change

Ryan at least tried to look presentable in so fine an establishment by drawing his cloak around his armor. He hated being improperly dressed for an occasion and without his velvet and cravat he felt like a ham-fisted brute among the civilized. The order from Odan-urr was urgent, however. He was to find the House Arcona Sith and retrieve a valuable datapad from him containing intelligence on Collective movements.

He didn't like it. Ryan was an Arconan once, long ago and the Dark Side almost cost him his soul. That was behind him now, but he always worried that the shadow would claim him once again as one of their own. He remembered how easy it was to be tempted by his passions. To use evil means for good ends and how destructive it could be to himself and others. He wanted to make this quick.

Checking his crush-gaunted hands and wiggling his fingers in them, he stood at the bar and looked warily around. Most of the assembled of sundry species and dress appeared to be the typical high-rollers and sybarites of an establishment catering to the wealthiest of the Smuggler's Moon.

“Wow... nice attire.”

Ryan visibly winced as a shadowy figure had slipped next to him at the bar without him even noticing.

“We can't all be the height of fashion between missions, Arconan.” Ryan turned and observed the spiky black hair and tanned features of the smirking figure beside him.

“Oh we can. In Arcona we'd rarely be so gauche. Much less making our first move in the finest gambling establishment in Nar Shadaa towards the bar as opposed to the sabacc tables,” the Sith replied.

“I don't gamble. Were you hoping we'd have a battle of wits there like a spy holovid cliché? The sabacc game is like a weird metaphor for this conversation we're having right now? I don't need to flash credits, I was born to class. Now hand over the datapad.”

Magik's brow furrowed, somewhat confused.

“What datapad? I was told you had valuable information regarding the Collective and that you'd likely to refuse to give it up.”

“I have no such thing.”

The Sith sighed. “That's what they said you'd say.”

With a flash an Inquisitorius stiletto sped towards Ryan's throat, looking for a place it wouldn't be turned by the Jedi's armor. Ryan's hands moved with practiced speed, quickly grabbing the attacking arm and wrist, crushing and wrenching the now pinned shoulder and arm and sending the stiletto skittering across the bar floor. The Sith seemed surprised at this, but coolly slipped from the grip with practiced deftness and zig-zagged backwards as Ryan missed with a crush-gaunted right cross to the Sith's smirking mouth. Ryan pursued, desiring not to lose distance as he followed with a powerful push kick to the mid section. However, the Sith's retreat took a lot of the force from the blow. Slowed by his armor, the Jedi failed to catch Magik as he slipped away.

If only I were dressed like a civilized man

Safely beyond reach, the Sith retaliated with a series of lanvarok disks from a wrist launcher that sailed through the air, neatly cutting a glass near Ryan in two, barely disturbing the likely highly unaffordable contents. Ryan proceeded to attempt to move for cover but the disks seemed to bend around tables and bystanders nimbly in impossible arks, two striking Ryan and ricocheting off his armor with a screech. Maybe fashion wasn't everything, after all.

To the side, an Aqualish gambler decided to seize the opportunity caused by the sudden brawl and commotion by beginning to furiously scoop credits from the table only to slump dead from a blaster bolt to the temple, the smoke from the wound all the more dramatic from the blue lighting. All Chaos proceeded to break loose as the Jedi and Sith warily watched each other across the bar as patrons drew blasters and proceeded to shove as credits dropped from the dead Aqualish's hand, ringing on the floor like a morbid jackpot.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 11 September, 2018 5:30 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Realism


You do a good job of factoring in the weight of Ryan’s armour into his actions. To ensure this continues I would note the loadouts of both characters, especially armour tier before writing a post.

Can Be Improved

Story


In particular, of the 686 words in your post, only the last three paragraphs involve combat, one of which doesn’t involve Ryan and Magik. The first post is supposed to set up the conflict but has to strike a balance between exposition and combat. I would recommend planning the post before writing to better achieve balance.

Club Vertica was the wealthiest Casino on Nar Shaddaa. It was here where the priviledged spend their credits gambling amongst eachother. The finest establishment Vertical City had to offer. Magik spent many nights here as he contemplated his business at hand. The bar was stocked with the finest spirits as half naked women made their way around the club serving cocktails. The band made their home on stage on the opposite side of the bar entertaining the club with the most soothing sounds in the galaxy. The club was frequented by a more tasteful crowd of wealthy individuals. While the Sabbac stakes remained high gambling was not the only matter of business here.

Once a member of the notorius Clan Arcona the jedi was now an outlaw to the Clan. Magik had been ordered to dispatch the jedi in this very meeting. The datapad and the circustances surrounding their meeting on Nar Shaddaa was just a plot setup by Clan Arcona to get rid of the jedi once and for all. He had been wanted dead for some time. No one better was suited for the job than Magik as he had been waiting for this very moment. The Sith was well dressed for the occasion where high fashion ran wild in the club. As he blended into the crowd a shadowy figure concealed by his Inquisitor armor.

The commotion had left a some patrons uneasy as blaster bolts rang out at a few of the tables. This was not uncommon in Vertcal City. As Magik stood on the opposite end of the club from the jedi he loaded more discs in his lanvarok as the first attempt only seemed to graze the jedi. Magik's stilleto was now laying on the ground by his feet as he calmly grabbed it off the floor. The jedi was now fearing for his life as he stood on the opposite end of the bar. Magik gazed across the club as nobody seemed to mind the commotion in the background.

With nothing left to be said Magik drew his lightsaber from his hip with his right hand. He then emitted his blue bladed lightsaber. From across the bar the glow from his lightsaber engulfed the room as it hummed and crackled in Magik's grasp. In combat stance Magik peered across the bar with hatred.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 11 September, 2018 5:31 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


The post brings the environment into the post which makes it feel like the match is taking place in an actual location instead of a generic backdrop #54. Reading the venue description and fleshing out the surroundings are a good way to add to the match.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


Once a member of the [notorious] Clan [Arcona,] the [Jedi] [...]

There are a few errors, the spelling of notorious and the missing comma after Arcona. However, I wanted to use this quote to capture the non-capitalisation of Jedi, which is a pretty important thing to get right. I believe getting your posts proofed could help with this and is generally something that should be done.

Word Count

The post clocks in at 390 words,which is just over a third of the word count maximum and 140 over the minimum, this represents a missed opportunity for the post to tell an excellent story, planning out the post and taking time to describe things are just two ways to use more of the word count.

Is this guy taunting me? How dare he!

Ryan was puzzled as the Sith decided to activate his lightsaber. He seemed to have been eager to get away, and now perhaps his hubris had caused him to want to show dominance rather than pin him down with fire and and eventually kill him. Ryan had to take advantage while he could. Ryan focused through the force and launched the table he took shelter behind through the air, sailing like a glittering wall as credits fell to the ground and passersby leaped from its path. Ryan channeled the Force through his muscles and surged forward in his armor, driving forward with a determined press through the crowd.

The lanvarok's disks thunked soundly into the tumbling,unpredictable table and Ryan's blue bladed lightsaber sprang to life in his hand as he raised it over his head in an aggressive posture. A flash of blue announced the table being severed in two by the Sith, but it had already done its work of allowing Ryan to draw close enough to deliver a powerful downward cut to the Sith's shoulder.

A quick parry deflected the strike but the Jedi's power caused the Sith to stagger under the assault as Ryan chained a flurry of cuts to each opening created as the Sith attempted to defend himself. The Sith was the better lightsaber duelist, but his discomfort at the close quarters he now found himself in was obvious as he reflexively began to back away little by little, jostled patrons fleeing out of the way as they saw lightsabers hum near them.

Ryan could only continue the assault so long as his armor began to weigh on his limbs, even with his adrenaline pumping and the fatigue washing from his body with every swing as the Sith parried. The Sith's inferior physical might made it difficult for him to riposte and take advantage of the openings his parry's created in Ryan's flurries and thrusts. Channeling one last surge of the Force through his body Ryan struck a deadly blow for the Sith's neck. A frantic parry channeling the Sith's own use of the Force was smashed with the Jedi's lightsaber, nearly driving Majik's lightsaber into his own body. Ryan lashed out and grabbed the Warrior's leg as he staggered for a quick takedown, dropping his own lightsaber and seizing his opponent's sword arm.

Majik fumbled for his recovered Inquisitorius stiletto and thrust desperately at Ryan but without the element of surprise and little training in bladed weapons, the ill aimed blow was turned by Ryan's armor. Ryan retaliated with a crush-gaunted punch to the assassin's face. Then another. While the fatigue built in Ryan's arms and his blows struck with less and less force, they were more than enough to explode Majik's nose across his face in a ruby flash of anger.

Ryan took Sith's pinned arm as Majik drew his focus into a desperate attempt to send the Dark Side coursing through his body. Sparks began to slide along his fingers and began to leap forth just as Ryan wrenched the limb and Majik cried out as he sent an unpleasant, painful, but not unbearable jolt through Ryan's body. Majik writhed and clutched his shoulder, eyes watering and blinded by blood as he slowly lost consciousness from pain and concussion. Ryan quickly recovered both his and Majik's lightsabers and crawled out through the brawling crowd as blaster bolts began to sail through the air. His panting, slow moving body, still twitching from the shock. He was grateful to escape as the unconscious Sith, hidden safely on the ground from the brawling above, could dream of retaliation.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 11 September, 2018 5:38 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


The post makes use of the environment to make sure the audience knows this confrontation is taking place in a genuine location. I would use the image description plus personal creativity to flesh out the scene more frequently while making sure the focus is on Ryan and Magik.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


It was quite jarring to see the post have a spelling error in Magik’s name everytime it was written in this post. Always double check and if in doubt, get it proofed, so there’s a higher chance to spot mistakes.

The Knight faced Magik from across the bar standing on his own after their altercation. Magik struck fear in Knight Ryan Hawkins eyes as he stood in Imperial form glarring in his direction. "Make a move Knight," Magik taunted him as Ryan began to get nervous. The band continued to play relentless beats as the clubgoers went about their business. Nobody seemed to mind the scuffle between them as Magik attempted to subdue the Knight. The Knight looked like a fellow gambler as the appearance of his commando armor was well hidden behind his outer robes. He went unoticed in Vertica.

To all who did not notice him Magik made him out to be just the jedi he was looking for. Magik continued to make advances from across the bar with lightsaber drawn. The blue blade was emitted as Vertica looked away in the opposite direction. The clubgoers knew better than to get in the way of a Sith and his enemy. The crackling and humming from Magik's lightsaber was getting louder as he stepped closer to the Knight. The distance between them was now a dueling distance. The Knight dropped his outer robes to the ground as he stood in his commando armor.

"Well Knight, sorry it had to come to this," Magik spoke soflty as they were about to engage in battle. Knight Ryan Hawkins squinted and replied, "Magik, you brought this uppon yourself." With nothing left between them Magik struck at the Knight. Ryan immediately took several steps backwards as the strike was heavy enought. "Knight, you are no match for the Dark Side," Magik continued to taunt him as they exchanged several attacks towards eachother. Magik then struck Ryan in a slicing manner to the mid section of his commando armor. Sparks flew as the heavy armor suited him well. The Knight now had his back turned to Magik as the attack left Ryan stunned.

As the Knight's back was now turned to Magik he dropped to his knees on the floor of Club Vertica. Ryan's blue bladed lightsaber left his grip as it fell to the ground. Now standing behind the Knight Magik qjietly with a sweeping strike decapitated the Knight with a single blow. Knight Ryan Hawkins head went rolling around the bar. As the Club pay no attention to Magik the scene was in uproar. People scattered around the club in fear as Magik drew his lightsaber back to his hip. The jedi was no more. Magik made an escape in the night as he went unoticed.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 11 September, 2018 5:52 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Continuity


The post does a good job of following on from the previous post. TO be able to do this more often I would take note notes about the preceding post and work them in where possible.

Can Be Improved

Realism


Magik slices Ryan at the midsection with a lightsaber, this should be enough to bisect him, yet he’s only stunned. If you’re going to have a lightsaber connect it is best to look to canon examples for effects. In this case, the duel at the end of The Phantom Menace would have been a good reference. Proofreading is another way to catch such mistakes.