Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae vs. Warrior Magik

Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Mercenary, Weapons Specialist
vs.

Warrior Magik

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
Comment

Thank you both for participating in this tournament. Though i have the unfortunate duty of sending one of you home today, I hope both of you had fun and will learn and grow from this experience. The ACC is the perfect place for a writer to improve, and I hope you keep coming back to hone your skills.

Syntax wise both participants had some issues, though Satsi's post were clearly better proofread. Similarly both sets of posts had issues with realism and continuity, though again Satsi to a lesser degree. Both of you could definitely benefit from focusing on the technical aspects of writing, and making sure the story fits the settings realism and the match's story line. The real difference in skill came with the story between the two combatants. Satsi's posts consistently demonstrated a better grasp on the art of writing, while Magik's had some systemic problems throughout.

All this being taken into account, the winner is clear. It's my pleasure to announce Satsi Tameike as the winner. Good luck in the rest of the tournament.

Hall Spring 2019 ACC Championship
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae, Warrior Magik
Winner Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Satsi Tameike Arconae's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 21 March, 2019 8:37 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Magik
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A few minor mistakes, but nothing that really effects the story Rationale: A number of mistakes in the first post really bring down the score here.
Story - 40%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Magik
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: The story is extremely well written, with very skillful attention paid to the characters internal monologues and the description of the setting. However, problems with some of the story structure and a lack of anything truly extraordinary prevents this from being a higher score. Rationale: Systemic problems with the story hurt the score here significantly. The writing is vague and confusing at times and doesn't really give a satisfying level of description to the reader. The ending and set-up are rather weak and contrived, leaving the story without a satisfying hook or pay-off.
Realism - 25%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Magik
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A single mistake was noted. Rationale: Three minor mistakes were noted.
Continuity - 20%
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir Magik
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A single minor mistake was noted. Rationale: A single minor mistake was noted.
Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir's Score: 4.0 Magik's Score: 2.8
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest. Carved into the stones of the various islands are sets of winding, ascending and man-made pathways.

The crisp, clean air that wisps off the ocean helps maintain a fairly mild temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide. Porgs litter the islands, the oceans teem with a wide variety of fish, and large, docile Thala-sirens loiter on the rocky shores.

Although better known as the legendary home of the Jedi Order, a species of small-statured amphibious natives live simple lives as caretakers of the Jedi ruins. The ruins themselves are primarily small collections of stone huts, although numerous hidden caves dot the islands. Some contain evidence of previous habitation; many more house strong Force auras with mysterious effects on sentient beings, particularly Force-sensitives.

The sun had set and it was now nightfall. Magik crept out of the shadows from the Ancient Islands. Ahch-To was a mystical sight. He waited patiently for the Mercenary as the tide slapped up against the rocky shore. Their meeting here was no coincidence Magik had been expecting this day for some time. He climbed the steps to the top of the Island where there was an open lay. He knew she would not be far behind as he peered across the Islands with his back turned against Ocean. "The scores will be settled tonight," he thought aloud to himself as he anxiously prepared for the dual. He knew it would not go over easy, but Arcona would suffer no longer.

As he turned to face the column stairwell, the female mercenary appeared from across the lay. She walked slowly with hesitant steps in his direction. "Have you come to die!," Magik exclaimed with his dark presence. She responded with disbelief, "You brought this upon yourself, Magik." He was not be taunted by her antics as they stood atop the Island. "You can leave here now or face your demise," their words were getting stronger as they were unable to come to terms. Magik ordered her to her knees to forego the pain. She refused him with her quick witts. He would not let anything come between him and the opportunity to settle the scores.

They were now five meters apart as the Mercenary starred at him with her fierce eyes. Magik looked her up and down before he grinned. "You give me no choice Satsi, this ends tonight." Magik then reached for his Inquisitor and unclipped it from his belt. The blade emitted as he pulled it back in his right hand taking several steps forward in her direction. She walked at him with her enforcer. Before she squeezed off any slugs Magik deflected the pistol from her grips as it went hurling off the cliffs of Ahch-To. She watched the slugthrower leave her hands as she now had her back turned to him. He then pushed her from behind with his left hand as she went stumbling towards the edge of the cliffs. "Do you have any more tricks or are you just going to stand there," as he mocked her. Magik then took a couple of steps backwards retracting the beam from his Inquisitor waiting for her to make another move.

Grot, 27 March, 2019 5:46 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You give a good sense of setting for the scene. Too many ACC battles take place in a flat, featureless plane but you definitely give a sense of this taking place at Ahch-to.

Can be Improved

The syntax definitely needs some improvement. There were a number of spelling and grammar mistakes that impacted the flow of reading and might have been caught by a proofreader. The lack of dialogue formatting especially hurt the post here, and is a spot I would recommend focusing on There was a single realism mistake, as TK+2 is not fast enough to rip the pistol out of Satsi’s hands so casually. It requires a few seconds of focusing and concentration that satsi could have used to retaliate.

The biggest problems with this post, however, were storywise. Firstly the use of the noun “lay” threw me off a lot. While not wrong, that usage of the word is so archaic I had to go out of my way to look up the etymology. Any time your use of language forces your writer out of the story that’s not good as a writer

In the second paragraph there’s a weird switch between dialogue and narration right at the end that feels super out of place. If you begin an exchange with dialogue usually it’s good form to finish it with the same, or just narrate it all. Swapping between the two in the same paragraph just comes off as confusing

The introduction of Magik’s lightsaber also left me confused. It’s not named anywhere on his sheet, so simply saying that he “reached for his Inquisitor” left me nothing to go on. If your going to refer to a lightsaber or weapon by name, make sure it’s marked on the actual possession for clarity.

One of the biggest issues, however, was disarming your opponent so early into the match. This is simply extremely poor form in an ACC match. Before the fight’s even begun, before she’s even gotten off a single bullet, the gun is Just ripped out of her hands and thrown off a cliff, never to be recovered, removing a good deal of her ranged capability. There’s still two more posts worth of fight to go through, doing this sort of thing so early not only removes a lot of possibilities and excitement from the fight, it also ruins the narrative pacing of the battle

Satsi got back to her feet slowly, palms sliding over her body as she stood.

"What is it with you and women getting on their knees?" She spread her arms wide against the backdrop of the increasingly agitated ocean. "Didn't I beat you badly enough last time? Coulda sworn you were dead."

He started to scowl at her goading just as she jerked her arm forward. His eyes widened as they followed her movement and spied the device clutched in her fingers. Quicksilver his saber reactivated, and he swept the humming blade upwards, diagonally across his person, to bisect the projectile before it ever reached him.

But Satsi didn't throw the grenade.

The woman sprinted full tilt at him and ducked under his sword arm, tackling him around the hips. His lightsaber fell away as they crashed to the ground like waves against the cliffside. The air left Magik's lungs while pain exploded up his spine.

Then she was punching him, one fist raining down, meaty cracks against bone. The sky opened above them in the midst of the assault, pelting them with torrential rain.

"Frakker," yelled Satsi over the wind. A tooth swam loose in the pool of sanguine saliva flooding his mouth. "Chew on this."

Something metallic and unyielding pressed against his lips and teeth, and then kept pressing. Her fingers found the hinge of his jaw and squeezed, and between the two forces his mouth choked open as wide as it could go.

And still the object pressed, and found no ground, and the skin tore from his lips and his teeth screamed in their sockets as the pressure increased and gave—

Another tooth popped free and that was enough as others cracked down the middle and chipped in places. The grenade just barely lodged in his mouth, but it seemed to be satisfactory to Satsi as she stood from her crouch atop him. Through the strife of the storm, he could hear the detonator beeping. The Mercenary turned and sprinted out of his sight.

For a horrific moment, Magik struggled. The pain and dizziness in his head muddled his senses into almost nothing. But he had the Force, and he reached for it. The Sith squeezed his eyes closed, shutting out the agony and panic. He desperately focused and took control, dampening all his nerves.

Magik rolled upright, spat out the grenade, picked it up and threw it hard into the ocean. It didn't even disappear from view before it exploded, making him flinch away from the sudden BOOM of superheated air and water.

It all came crashing back in an instant. He became aware of his injuries again as he scrambled away from the now-crumbling rock, destabilized from the atomized crater taken out of it. He bit down around a scream, only causing further pain in his teeth and jaw. The Sith staggered to higher ground, slipping on slick stone, and reached for the Force again. He needed to mend what he could before he tracked down the woman and ended her.

Damn her, he thought, his hatred fuel for his healing. She will regret this.


"Sithspit, I regret this," Satsi spat, hunkering down in a little niche that partially shielded her from the rain. She was soaked through, her gun was gone, and she still hadn't found whatever stupid frakking books — books! Like those still existed? — Turel talked about being on this island. Some birthday present, if she couldn't find them.

Maybe she'd bring him a rock. Then throw it at him.

"Frakking sparkfingers," growled the woman. She wasn't going to count on Magik, a living weapon, being defenseless without a saber; and she wasn't confident he was dead just from a grenade either. Too many times she'd let that assumption get her attacked just like this.

Sighing, she drew her dagger, waiting and listening. The rain kept pouring, masking most sound. She'd heard the explosive go off, but not much else.

A scrabbling noise drew her attention, and she tensed. Gripping her blade tighter, she crouched and listened to the scraping of movement come closer through the downpour.

Satsi lashed out, slicing for approximately where she expected Magik's throat to be as he came upon her. But, her strike only cut through empty air. Stumbling with the wasted momentum, the woman nearly kissed dirt. She swore and twisted, prepared to dodge some attack, but none came.

It took her a solid, soaking moment of blinking dumbly in the rain to realize Magik wasn't there before another scuffle caught her ear. She stilled, looking up just in time to see the Sith on the cliff above and the small boulders he held in a telekinetic grasp.

"Fr—" Satsi began before the stones came hurtling down at her. She tried to dodge, dropping her dagger and slamming herself into the shelter of cave wall, but felt the clip of one rock against her leg. She staggered away and was nearly weak with relief that she could, that she wasn't pinned or crushed.

Then the pain came.

The woman choked around a scream, feeling a sudden numbness rush up her leg as it buckled. She looked down, eyes following a trail of red so heavy that the rain wasn't immediately washing it away. It ran from her ruined boot to the boulder…

Which had apparently shorn off at least some of her toes. And foot? She couldn't tell.

Oh, Shadows, Satsi thought, in a swollen moment of queasiness, before she slammed that mental door. It was just pain. Just pain. Pain was pain. She'd had worse. She'd seen and felt worse. She could handle it—

Magik leapt down from his perch and rolled into a crouch across from her. He was panting heavily, barehanded, his face purpled and his front blood-soaked.

"Finally on your knees where you should be," he slurred, words mangled, and Satsi bared her teeth.

"Come and get it," she bit back, tugging free her brother's lightsaber and activating the blade.

Grot, 27 March, 2019 5:46 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You have an astounding flair for the dramatic. Every part of this post oozes with a well-crafted emotionalism that really brings the scene to life. The penchant for exaggeration on display also completely sells the most important moments of the story.

Can be Improved

Only one syntax issue worth mentioning

”Quicksilver his saber reactivated…”

I’m not entirely sure what you meant by this, it may have just been an autocorrect mistake, but the adjective “quicksilver” is not grammatical in this context.

There was a small issue with continuity, surprisingly. Satsi laments not being able to get the books form Ahch-to she came to get for Turel, yet it was already clearly established that she came for Ahch-to for the express purpose of dueling Magik. This little aside doesn’t add much to the story, so I’m not certain why changing the premise was so important here.

Furthermore the realism of shoving a grenade into your opponents mouth is also really questionable. Granted, he has been dazed and knocked around quite a bit, but he’s obviously still conscious, he can hear the detonator beeping, and is still a dangerous, trained combatant. It’s impossible to believe that he didn’t fight or strike back at satsi at all while both of her hand were occupied wrenching open his jaw and shoving a thermal detonator in there.

Just as the Mercenary crackled her blade against the rain, Magik stumbled upon the Inquisitor he thought he had lost not to long before the scuffle. Reaching from the waist down he quickly grabbed it with his good hand off the rough terrain of Ahch-To where it was just beneath his right foot. Now standing before Satsi grimacing in pain with his Inquisitor. He drew his blade into the night sky as the rain blurred his vision. Looking in her direction he could only make out the light glow from her lightsaber. They were not far from each other now as Magik tip-toed against the rain towards where she was now standing. She balanced her blade in just the right manner. Magik could see the glow streak across his eyes as she raised her guard. With both hands on his Inquisitor he immediately went in for the kill coming down across her body with his blade. She took several steps backwards as Magik struck her blade with violent strikes. She was cautious as she stumbled backwards as Magik moved forward.

The rain and Ocean swells were to much to bare as they continued with no visibility. Just the sight of oncoming attack as their defenses became weaker. As they exchanged glancing attacks one after another. The two became entangled in the rain with no sight of getting off the Islands alive. Magik halted off and took a step back retracting his beam onto his belt clip. In extreme pain, Magik tried calming her as he put an end to their struggle, "Satsi, just let it go, it does not have to end this way." The weapons specialist drew her blade back into her grasps as she moved forward to speak with him. "Satsi please let us make amends of this situation and forego each others pain," Magik talked slowly as he placed his arms around her shoulders holding onto her in the rain. She agreed with him as she placed her head into his chest.

As Magik had convinced her otherwise he squeezed her neck with his left hand. The Assassin's ring in his left hand punctured her skin as a lethal amount of poison began acting upon her. She did not feel a thing as her soft body dropped to the ground. There were quiet screams as tears rolled from her eyes down her cheeks. Her eyes closed as she came to rest beneath Magik.

Grot, 27 March, 2019 5:45 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Your use of the setting is really dramatic and interesting here. You definitely pick up the plot thread started by your opponent and take it to it’s most interesting conclusion. The idea of the two of you battling in the midst of a tropical storm on a barren island is incredibly cinematic and interesting.

Can be Improved

A few syntax issues, but significantly improved over the first post.

The re-appearance of Magik’s lightsaber violates continuity here. Granted, it hadn’t rolled off a cliff or disappeared entirely from the area, but in Satsi’s previous post it was established the two combatants had already ran up to higher ground and far away from where the original exchange took place. The lightsaber is left behind there, not higher up on the island where the two of you are fighting now.

Realism is a bit of an issue here. To begin with, the idea of Satsi simply agreeing to a Truce after the sort of fight you’ve had is not only a rather sudden,. Anti-climactic end to the fight, it’s also a gross misrepresentation of her character. Granted, a character of sufficient high manipulation and other social skills could accomplish this, but Magik’s abilities in this area are nowhere near good enough for that.

Continuing on, the sudden and deadly effects of the poison here are also directly contradictory to one of Satsi’s feats. Satsi has the “La Resistance” feat which grants her an increased resistance against poison compared to a normal person. Even if the poison we’re still deadly to her, she’d have a few crucial minutes in which she might have been able to strike back, instead of collapsing immediately.

Satsi lunged for the Sith, slashing at him ferociously. The pain didn't become background noise; no, it fueled every step and stab. It was fire and she burned with it, for it.

Magik dodged back from her chops and slashes with a fair amount of grace. Even without a lightsaber, whatever fancy form he'd been taught was capable and required little actual striking. His footwork flowed with each step, dancing him away from danger. His movements were deceptively haphazard, always keeping him at a distance, much to Satsi's growing frustration.

She jabbed at him as his patterns slowed in the midst of some triangular footwork that was different from the rest, his hands held tight to his chest. Her injured foot dragged behind her, though, buckling her leg again and taking the momentum from her strike. The Sith hissed when her plasma blade grazed his arm, leaving an orange-blazing, feeble little slash behind, but nothing more.

Satsi growled and tossed herself backwards in a somersault, shoulders and back scraping on the rock, head aching, feet slipping in the water when she regained them clumsily. Magik retreated too, one hand lashing out as he did so, fingers splayed like claws and face contorted in pure, passionate rage. He screamed with that anger, and a bright flash of lightning screamed from his hand with it.

Every hair on her skin rose in the space between seconds when it traveled, her muscles flinching—

The bolt exploded into the rockface on her right, showering her in shards of stone that sliced her skin and flash-burning everything exposed. The column of her throat, her face, her head, and even her torso underneath the light armor that melted on its surface were all seared. Satsi cried out, thrown away from the force of the fulmination, catching herself on her hands and knees as she dropped the saber. It died like a snuffed candle.

"Hah!" Magik shouted, more an animalistic exclamation of victory than anything else. He sagged then, as if strings holding him had been cut, everything he had inside him spent in that lightning strike. Even his eyelids drooped, and then he staggered, swayed.

Satsi roared, launching herself off the ground at the opportunity. She swung herself into a jumping, spinning kick, pushing off with her booted foot, with the pivot of her hips, with the clench of her abdomen, all carried by her momentum and gravity's pull. Agony shot through her nerves when the blow connected to his stomach, her wounded foot spraying blood. Magik went down hard even as she too hit the rock again, landing with a thud. She couldn't hear the breath leave him over the rain and thunder, but she could see on his face as his eyes bulged out and his jaw clamped down over his tongue with broken teeth.

Vicious, she stood back up, ragged and alive with every pull-scream-thrill of burned and gravel-embedded flesh. The Mercenary kicked the other Arconan again, in the head this time, and his face bounced off the rock.

Then she kicked him again, and again, aiming at kidneys and soft organs and ribs. She stomped down on the back of his skull, jamming his teeth further up into his septum and cracking even more.

She kept kicking until it didn't feel good any more.

Finally the woman stepped back, breathing heavily with adrenaline-laced joy. She stared down at Magik where he lay, barely conscious, and spat at him. Her eyes searched for her fallen saber in the lightning-lit dark, and she snatched it up, walking back around to him as he used all his hatred to wobble his chin upright.

"You know, pretty sure on some planets, the kings and lords and sithspit would have their jesters beheaded or something when they did bad. Or if they just felt like it," she commented, referencing their respective formal titles from Arcona's recent gala, she the ruler and he a fool. Her weapon reactivated, poised to execute. "Which, I can respect. It's effective. But damn, am I just feeling like something a little more satisfying."

Her simmering lightsaber blade moved away from the back of his neck, and Magik made the noise of a dying animal.

Then, with a familiar hum of movement that dropped his stomach and drew his groin up tight, she brought the weapon around twice. Two swipes, each a long, sustained note.

The Sith hit the wet stone, mouth and nose filling with rain water from the puddles. His eyes skittered about, coming face to face with his own limp fingers, lifeless, attached to his disembodied arm. He took in what he could of the stumps of his legs and shoulder on one side, and deduced that the other side was similarly cut.

She splashed over to him and yanked him up by a fistful of hair, hard enough to tear free a clump of scalp. He whimpered, dangling there in her grip, unable to even flail his stubs.

"Gotta say, you might've been on to something. I like you better like this," she tongued the words against his ear before dropping him again.

Magik's last sight of Satsi was her tearing her shirt to bind her foot and searching out her knife by lightsaber's light before limping away. Then, all he saw was the darkness around him, and the glitter of hungry eyes in the faces of the island's native birds as they converged upon him.

Grot, 27 March, 2019 5:45 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

A brilliantly brutal conclusion to the fight, that had me feeling every punch and injury with some satisfying descriptive writing.. Pain and injury are, like always, your arena of expertise and it is on full display here. An exceptionally strong ending.

Can be Improved

While your introduction of character drama and history between the two combatants here is effective in eliciting an emotional response, I can’t help but feel it would have been better done in an earlier part of the story. These sorts of tensions and conflicts need time to simmer and grow, and by introducing them so near to the end of the story they come off as a little half-hearted.

Also, frak you and your porgs.