Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Warrior Aay'han Agrona Beviin

Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
vs.

Warrior Aay'han Agrona Beviin

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Zabrak, Sith, Marauder, Mandalorian
Comment

First of all, thank you both for your participation and your patience with the judgement of this match. It's been an honor to cut my teeth on it, as it's clear that you both as writers are writing to each other and developing your characters' relationship. Always great to see the ACC used for that! Please don't be alarmed by the length of the match comments here. My goal as a Judge is to help teach more than anything, and while I may go on at length, it's because of the potential of both of you as writers in the club and in the ACC.

This match had a lot going for it. You both took to the idea of using Telepathy creatively and really worked in what is some evident interpersonal drama between Aay'han and Appius despite the two not knowing each other; their conflict is about who they each care about, and who they each define themselves. What brought the scores down here was mostly in Syntax for both of you and a few errors surrounding Realism in Skill and Force Power usage, which I'll address individually in the comments. Ultimately, Appius' extra time spent in emotional investment paid off for his Story score, and so it is Appius "Zappius" Wight who we declare the winner.

I encourage both of you to not only keep writing with each other as you develop Aay'han and Appius' trials, but also to keep ACCing. I'd love to see what comes next for them the next time they fight. Thank you both.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight, Warrior Aay'han Agrona Beviin
Winner Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Aay'han Agrona Beviin's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 20 January, 2021 12:14 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Archpriestess Aay'han Agrona Beviin Combat Master "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 2 Score: 2 (Advantage)
Rationale: Multiple repeated errors in both posts detracted from readability. Rationale: Multiple repeated errors in both posts involving **sentence fragments,** run-ons, and comma splices detracted from readability.
Story - 40%
Archpriestess Aay'han Agrona Beviin Combat Master "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Appropriately continued the established conflict to a reasonable resolution, but nothing that really took control of the narrative given or jumped out. Solid combat depictions and weight given to both characters. Rationale: Established and continued a conflict that created emotional investment between the two characters and the reader. A lack of anything really striking held this back from a higher score.
Realism - 25%
Archpriestess Aay'han Agrona Beviin Combat Master "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: One major detractor and two minor ones in usage of Force Powers and handling of injury in Final Post. See comments. Rationale: Two minor detractors concerning events implausibly favoring one character over the other and in coming very close to directly contradicting character Aspects. See comments.
Continuity - 20%
Archpriestess Aay'han Agrona Beviin Combat Master "Aequitas" Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: One minor issue. See comments. Rationale: No issues found. Misspelling of venue was consistent - be careful.
Archpriestess Aay'han Agrona Beviin's Score: 2.8 Combat Master "Aequitas" Anderson's Score: 3.72
Posts

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The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest. Carved into the stones of the various islands are sets of winding, ascending and man-made pathways.

The crisp, clean air that wisps off the ocean helps maintain a fairly mild temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide. Porgs litter the islands, the oceans teem with a wide variety of fish, and large, docile Thala-sirens loiter on the rocky shores.

Although better known as the legendary home of the Jedi Order, a species of small-statured amphibious natives live simple lives as caretakers of the Jedi ruins. The ruins themselves are primarily small collections of stone huts, although numerous hidden caves dot the islands. Some contain evidence of previous habitation; many more house strong Force auras with mysterious effects on sentient beings, particularly Force-sensitives.

The final resting place of Luke Skywalker is not the kind of location she would normally dare to tread.

Not because Aay'han was a Sith, or even because she was a Mandalorian for that matter. Even if she did have the kind of familiar extensions that made her genetic makeup look like a scientific goldmine.

No, she simply had no interest in the Jedi, their history, or their stories. Why would she? It'd been barely two years since she took her first steps out of whatever tube she was accelerated in, finally emerging a young teenage girl. She still remembered the crack of glass under her feet, the shredding of her skin, her heart thundering in her chest, the pain of light in her iris' for the first time...

Does anyone else know what it's like to lack a past? To not be a part of life one second and then being there the next? To not have memories of love and loss, joy and sorrow, birth and death?

Aay'han didn't have to wonder. She knew damn well what it was like and by the Force how it drove her crazy! She had no purpose for her existence, or at least not one she was aware of. Her extended family, Kalon, Tracinya, Uncle Ro-ro. They were all she had.

And she wasn't even an Entar. Was she even one of them? Could she be? Or is she too much of an outcast? An experiment gone wrong? A mistake? Tracinya believed she could be an Entar. They gave her a reason to live, to fight, to exist damn it all!

That was part of what drove her to Ach-To, and if Qyreia and Sera knew what she was doing they would have her locked away never to see the light of day until she learned her lesson. She shuddered at the thought as the crisp sunlight beamed upon her armor, the fresh saltiness in the ocean air gave her renewed vigor towards her goal. The surrounding buildings, or ruins more like, seemed abandoned except for the Lanai that served to preserve them for would-be explorers and Jedi looking to discover more of their lore. The local wildlife consisted almost exclusively of porgs which, for one reason or another, seemed to be actively avoiding her.

Perhaps it had something to do with the fact she looked like a predator? She didn't care. After all, when was she ever going to get a chance like this again? This man, Appius Wight, he was alone and the DIA were nothing if not efficient in gathering information. Some called him Zappius, he had a penchant for Force Lightning, his aliit were destroyed on Mandalore early last year. The list went on and on.

Why he was on Ach-To was still a complete mystery to her, yet the Force was strong here, not just in the light but the dark too and something pulled her in his direction. Regardless, he was a Quaestor in Taldryan, of House Ektrosis. The very House some of her blood relations were members of. Both Tracinya and...

Kalon.

Her thoughts turned to her biological father, the man that in all honesty she'd only met once. He'd disappeared, the news ripped a hole in her family and if there was one thing all Mando'ade shared, it was a love and respect for their aliit.

Right now, this Quaestor, Appius, was partially responsible for Kalon's disappearance. He'd dishonoured them all and right now? The young Sith was hell bent on making him pay for it!

Aay'han steadily climbed up the stone pathway to the top of the island, her heart pounded in her chest and threatened to break through her ribs. Now and then she stopped, closed her eyes and felt him still up there like he was waiting for her. Aay'han's fingers twitched at her side and she bit her lip behind her helmet, feeling like she was walking into certain danger, her steps getting slower and more timid as she reached the top.

And there he was, standing over the edge of a cave entrance that was covered in an assortment of vines and foliage that faintly covered it from prying eyes. It radiated dark side energy, a power so out of place on Ach-To, the former home of the Jedi.

This was what he was here for, power, the darkness amongst the light that drew everything to it like a black hole.

"I knew I sensed something. It was faint, but it was there," he suddenly said.

The large man was easily a foot taller than she was, if not more. His crimson coloured armour shone as it basked in the direct sunlight, yet as his T-shaped visor turned to meet her, she felt the shock radiate through his thoughts.

"What in the hell are you supposed to be?" he questioned, referring to her unusual armor.

"I could say the same for you," Aay'han retorted as she pointed out the obvious design choices on his armor. Namely that golden lightning bolt.

Suddenly, silence. The two just stared at each other, waiting for one another to say or do something.

"So, are we just here for pleasantries? Or are you going to tell me what you want and why you are here?" Appius finally inquired.

The Savant was unexpectedly alerted by immediate peril as the young Sith quickly withdrew her Westar blaster and pulled the trigger. A bolt of crimson plasma soared out of the barrel towards the taller Mandalorian though thanks to his training, as well as the advanced warning from the Force, he was able to sidestep out of the way before it could hit him in his thigh.

Aay'han snarled at him, She needed him to be subdued, she needed to dominate him, force him to tell her what she wanted to know but her emotions started to rise in her like a balloon ready to burst.

Peace is a lie.

Tracinya's words punched through her mind as she kept her finger on the trigger and kept firing at him, this time he was unable to dodge in the limited space he had as one hit, then another, and another, and another yet it didn't have any impact. It seemingly just resisted every hit though it seemed to at least stagger him.

Unfortunately for Aay'han, she was so single-minded in her drive to suppress Appius that she failed to notice her blaster overheating until it was too late. She pressed the trigger and an audible click drew her eyes to the malfunctioning weapon.

"Are you done?" Appius voiced over to the concerned girl and when he got no response, he continued.

"Good, my turn, di'kut."

The all too familiar sensation of danger blared through the back of Aay'han's subconscious and she readied to turn and retreat down the pathway. Yet she felt her body being pulled hard and fast towards Appius by some sort of invisible tether. In her panicked state, she dropped her blaster and threw her forearms in front of her, just as the taller beings fist crashed into them and sent vibrations through them as Aay'han dropped onto her back in front of him.

Her eyes widened as she felt her throat tighten, a faint ringing echoed in her ears and her vision blurred as her body was lifted in front of the other Mandalorian, his right hand outstretched towards her in an invisible grip.

Then with a flick of his wrist, the young Sith was sent careening back down the stairway from which they came. Her armor thankfully softened the fall somewhat but suffered bruising on the way down as her ribs, back and spine collided with the hard jagged edges. She came to a stop about halfway down. Her vision returned to her enough that she visibly saw the local Lanai retreat into whatever den they called home.

The roaring of a jetpack twisted her head towards the sky above as Appius' slowly descended just a few feet away from her. She scowled under her helmet, this was far from the way she wanted this to go. How much danger was she in? Had she made a mistake?

"I'm going to give you one chance, girl. Turn around and walk away."

His words, spiteful and arrogant, they sparked something in her. She remembered meeting Kalon and Tracinya, the one and only time she did and felt the belonging she'd sought after for so long.

"Tracinya…" Aay'han muttered under her breath.

"Wait," Appius questioned. "How do you know that name?"

"I will make you suffer for what you did to Kalon!" Aay'han growled furiously, ignoring him as she grabbed hold of the lightsaber at her side, a crimson blade snapping out of the hilt with a violent hiss.

An audible sigh was what she got in return, the Sorcerer's hilt flew to his right hand from his side.

"And here I was thinking porgs would be the most annoying thing I would deal with today," the Quaestor responded with an annoyed sarcasm. "But if you intend to threaten Taldryan, threaten Ektrosis, threaten a member of my house and blame me for something I had no control over, then I hope you made peace with whatever gods you believe in..."

Snap-hiss!

Twin green blades ruptured out of both sides of the lightsaber in Appius' hand. He twirled the blades and held out the weapon in front of him.

"Because you will be seeing them very soon!" he boldly claimed, venom lacing his every word as Aay'han took that as her cue to attack. She leapt at him, her heart full of malice as she slammed her saber into his, sparks shuttering as they collided together in a dance of green and red.

Despite her youth, Aay'han surprised Appius with how effective she was with a blade in her hand as he was immediately pressed into the defensive. Each strike she made against him was wild and furious, each strike made against him was aimed at seemingly unconnected parts of his body, which forced the older Mandalorian to meet her attacks with one end of his saber before transitioning over to the other to stop himself being hit.

He recognised the techniques in question and unfortunately for Aay'han, this was not the first time he had faced a Sith using it.

"Was that supposed to be Juyo?" the Taldryanite questioned, as the two Force user's locked sabers. "I've seen better attacking movements from a Hutt!"

As his words struck a nerve in the young woman, Appius called upon the darkness within him and drove it through his bloodstream. His reactions became faster, and he met her sudden attacks with his blade so much easier and then, with a speed Aay'han didn't expect, he struck back.

One swift swing Appius' weapon made the young Sith's heart jump into her throat as she blocked it whilst maintaining her aggressive stance. She moved to attack again, her breathing getting more and more ragged, her movements more sluggish yet she refused to stop her momentum.

She did not have a choice when a flash of light burst in front of her eyes. It was only a small dose, but it was enough to disorientate the young girl and give the pure-blooded Human the advantage he needed. His jetpack flared to life, fire trailing as it lifted him several feet in the air. From his left hand sparks ricocheted and hissed between his fingertips before lancing towards the Marauder in streaks of white and blue.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 30 January, 2021 3:08 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You did an excellent job establishing the set up of the conflict between these two, with Aay'han blaming Appius for whatever happened to Kalon (a mystery to us readers left unanswered, and all the more dramatic for it).

"Aay'han snarled at him. She needed him to be subdued, she needed to dominate him, force him to tell her what she wanted to know…"

I particularly appreciated the time paid to how Aay'han was clearly feeling out of control, in this tailspin of loss without Kalon, and how in turn she needed to have control over Appius and this encounter.

You also made good use of both Loadouts, between her blaster and saber, his jetpack and saber, and their respective Mandalorian armors as further set pieces to their similarities beside their stark differences.

"She leapt at him, her heart full of malice as she slammed her saber into his, sparks shuttering as they collided together in a dance of green and red…Each strike she made against him was wild and furious, each strike made against him was aimed at seemingly unconnected parts of his body…"

It shouldn't come as a surprise to you that your description of Juyo is also highlight worthy.


Can Be Improved

Grammar, grammar, grammar. It was your Syntax that dragged you down here, as the various errors were enough to affect readability from the post, distracting from the introduction. Specifically, the thing for us to work on here is in sentence structure. Watch for fragments and comma splices. Often, these things can be avoided by changing verb tenses where appropriate and placing commas at those verb changes, so that what would otherwise be run-on or fragmented sentences become full sentences.

Alternatively, it can be a good idea to keep sentences short and tight. Some examples for you that I hope will help:

"This man, Appius Wight, he was alone and the DIA were nothing if not efficient in gathering information. Some called him Zappius, he had a penchant for Force Lightning, his aliit were destroyed on Mandalore early last year. The list went on and on."

This section is meant more as a list format, as you introduce the sentence subject — Appius — and proceed to discuss items the DIA have gathered on him. When using a list in text, one should use a colon to indicate the beginning of the list at the end of the introductory clause or part of the sentence. You could rephrase this section several ways as well, including using em dashes, or breaking up the sentence to rearrange it.

  • This man, Appius Wight, was alone and the DIA were nothing if not efficient in gathering information: some called him Zappius, he had a penchant for Force Lightning, and his aliit [was] destroyed on Mandalore early last year. The list went on and on.
  • This man — Appius Wight — was alone and the DIA were nothing if not efficient in gathering information. Some called him Zappius, thanks to his penchant for Force Lightning, and his aliit had been destroyed on Mandalore early last year— the list went on and on.
  • Appius Wight, whom some called Zappius, was a loner and the DIA were nothing if not efficient in gathering information: he had a penchant for Force Lightning and his aliit had been destroyed on Mandalore early last year. The list went on and on.

You can also use semicolons following a colon when using a list in text, especially if the "items" you're listing are longer and not just a word or two. For example:

  • Appius knew three things: he loved his clan and he loved Mandalore; he would do anything for his family; and he really wanted to shoot lightning at somebody.

A small additional note, you misspelled the venue name, but you did it consistently, so it wasn't worth marking down. Just be careful in the future.

The Force compelled Aay'han to roll, the warning came from the depths of her consciousness leaving a charred patch of dirt right next to her ear.

The staccato rhythm of her pulse drowned out the sound of her opponent's jetpack, gradually getting louder as her instincts screamed at her.

"GET UP, GET UP, GET UP!"

The screaming of the Iridonian's inner voice broadcast outward into the mind of the Sorcerer. It was a sudden cacophonous telepathic outburst that the Savant hadn't expected, forcing him back to the ground with a rapid head shake he tried to reorientate himself.

The joints of the girl ached after Appius' initial barrage of attacks. Bruises had already started to heal in rapid succession of the next bruise being made, but it did not take away the dull throbbing sensation that tap danced along her nerve endings.

A small plume of dust followed the Warrior as she haphazardly rolled into a standing position yet again. The movements were made with a grace that beguiled her usual haphazard disjointed movements.

"Get close, get close, move faster. I must be better, I must be the winner."

The petite creature rapidly closed the distance reactivating her blade with a battle cry that reverberated from her chest.

She lept and struck high.

Sizzling sparks danced into the air as Appius' hand flicked upward to block with a proficient ease, years of practice had made the act second nature.

The reverberations from the high block sent a tremor through the female's forearms as she attempted to force the male into a back footed retreat.

It proved a futile endeavour.

Grounding down through the muscles of the leg the Savant held firmly against her strike. His own arms holding her attack suspended for a few precious seconds

It was enough time for the Mandalorian to meet her eye and recognise the furious crimson gaze that bore holes into his visor from behind the queer golden mask.

"Your neck is mine!" The mental outburst no longer threw the Taldryanite as it had before.

With a shove Aay'han was thrown off balance and with the back of Appius' palm she was sent sprawling. The blow had been full force and ripped the leather straps that held the mask helm as she skidded face first through the dirt.

The Sorcerer felt a small pang of guilt for the action but if his suspicions were proven correct he knew there would be no reasoning to be had with his opponent until she had been subdued.

By the time he had cleared the distance between himself and his flagging opposition she had managed to roll over onto her back with a pained grunt.

The dirt did little to disguise the almost piercing ivory skin. Her caff hued hair had become a tangled dishevelled mess of braids and poking through were the barely visible immature crimson horns.

Adiik He thought to himself, as more confusion simmered through his psyche. He had not anticipated another child. Of course the Taldryanite had known about Tracinya but this small tenacious runt had not even been mentioned. Not even a passing word from Kalon's lips, but of course he would have to confirm his suspension.

Appius wasn't sure what to make of the creature before him. She was a medley of Iridonian and Mandalorian, blending the two cultures with a disquieting ease that bordered on being aruetiise.

With a feeling of déjà vu Aay'han rolled onto her belly groaning as her ears slowly stopped ringing.

"Give me your aliit, girl." The voice was disconcertingly close to her ear and fractionally disjointed.

The Arconan attempted in vain to respond, her jaw hung slightly slack, a metallic tang across her taste buds told her more than likely the fluid trickling down her chin was blood from biting deeply into her tongue. Swelling had also begun to rapidly take place as the exquisite pain ruptured with the attempted jaw movement. More than likely her jaw had dislocated on the impact, or worse, fractured.

"Agrona Beviin." Came her begrudgingly pouty reply directly in his mind. As her vision began to sharpen and her strength began to return once again.

The Sorcerer felt the pit of his stomach drop. No wonder she was looking to him for answers. Agrona was not a familiar name to him, he made a mental note to do some research later.

Carelessly Appius had moved closer whilst pondering, the Marauder no longer had the lightsaber within her delicate fingers.

Aay'han waited with bated breath pushing herself up to her knees and then to her feet. As she moved her palm flew and drew the Kilij styled Vibrosword at her hip and in a fluid movement slashed, aiming to the Male's unprotected throat.

The blade caught and nicked through the fabric, catching and shallowly slicing at the flesh that lay underneath. It certainly stung but the Savant had moved quickly enough to save his own throat from major injury.

It was enough of a distraction for the juvenile to call upon the Force and summon back the discarded lightsaber which had flown into the undergrowth upon being so violently struck down.

With a surprising ease she sheathed the sword catching the lightsaber in her dominant hand as her primary weapon moved of its own volition with the aid of Telekinesis.

"I warned you, your throat would be mine."

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 30 January, 2021 3:09 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Your post did well following the thread of the story started for you two. The internal dialogue of both characters lended depth to the budding conflict Appius began, continuing to explore that anger over Kalon's mysterious fate and Aay'han's need to win in absence of knowing what else to stand for.

"The screaming of the Iridonian's inner voice broadcast outward into the mind of the Sorcerer. It was a sudden cacophonous telepathic outburst that the Savant hadn't expected, forcing him back to the ground…"

This was quite the creative and rarely seen use of Telepathy in an ACC match. I liked it, even if the Power's description doesn't really read for such an instance as-is. You weren't marked down for it, but I might advise caution if you're going for a "psychic scream" of some sort with Telepathy as written.

The staccato rhythm of her pulse drowned out the sound of her opponent's jetpack, gradually getting louder as her instincts screamed at her.

This was a lovely bit of description. You showed a solid back and forth in combat without any fuss in a tight, powerful post. Both Appius and Aay'han use their Skills and Force Powers and impact each other.


Can Be Improved

Much as I said to Appius, the biggest issue for you across your posts was in Syntax. You had multiple minor errors in fragments, run-ons, and punctuation that made reading confusing at points. Watch out for changing of verb tenses, and don't be afraid to either break your sentences up a little more or try out some commas between clauses.

The Arconan attempted in vain to respond, her jaw hung slightly slack, and a metallic tang across her taste buds told her more than likely the fluid trickling down her chin was blood from biting deeply into her tongue.

This sentence, for example, has "hung" where it should be "hanging" given the comma indicating tense change and the structure of the sentence. You could also have made it all past tense and one long sentence with a coordinating conjunction (don't think I didn't just Google that) like "but." The additional information about blood on her tongue could also be a sentence on its own or worked in.

  • The Arconan attempted in vain to respond, her jaw hanging slightly slack. A metallic tang across her taste buds told her that, more than likely, the fluid trickling down her chin was blood from biting deeply into her tongue.
  • The Arconan attempted in vain to respond, but her jaw hung slightly slack, and a metallic tang across her taste buds told her more than likely that the fluid trickling down her chin was blood from biting deeply into her tongue.

"Agrona Beviin,." Came her begrudgingly pouty reply directly in his mind. Additionally, be mindful of punctuating dialogue. This was a lesson hard-learned for me. The simplest explanation I can give is that you must treat dialogue as either part of the sentence or removable from it. That is, whatever action is connected to the dialogue is either standalone, in which case you can use a period inside your quotes and capitalize outside it, or it's connected, and the text would be a fragment if it didn't have the dialogue.

So it looks like this, if we pretend that Aay'han said nothing: "Came her begrudgingly pouty reply directly in his mind." Came what? We've got a verb, and we've got a subject in "his mind," but we don't have the object. We don't have whatever it is that's come into his mind. We're clueless. The sentence doesn't make sense on its own because it is missing half of it.

  • Argona Beviin, came her begrudgingly pouty reply directly into his mind.

This would be a complete sentence. Contrastingly, this excerpt works with the dialogue ending at a period, fully closed, and the next sentence on its own:

"Give me your aliit, girl." The voice was disconcertingly close to her ear and fractionally disjointed.

If we take away the dialogue, the sentence still makes sense. You have the object, the voice, the verb, and the subject.

Some examples of several other ways dialogue can be punctuated correctly, just so you can see the differences:

  • "I miss that fanfic," Lucy sighed, while Atty just shook her head.
  • "I miss that fanfic." Lucy looked pleadingly to Atty, but Atty just shook her head.
  • "You know what I still love and miss?" Lucy asked Atty. "Your fanfic." Atty shook her head.
  • "But it's so bad and old," Atty whined in reply.
  • "No it's not!" argued Lucy. "I loved it and I still love it. Deal with it." Lucy wagged a brow, and Atty shook her head.

Such and so on.

Aay'han's threat echoed through his mind as he ran his fingertips across the fresh cut on his throat. It stung as a trickle of red dripped from the wound, the burning sensation all too familiar to him. His breathing was harder now; though, when he glanced at the child before him he could see that she was in much worse shape than he was. Kalon's offspring was now gasping for air, panting and wheezing, eyes twitching with every little movement as she threw herself at him with reckless abandon. Her crimson coloured saber hummed through the air as she lunged forward at the Sorcerer's chest only to be stopped once again by Appius' saberstaff.

How the Marauder was still fighting him was anyone's guess. Her crimson blade slammed against his weapon repeatedly, and the taller combatant watched as her face twisted and contorted with each effort.

Haar'chak, Kalon. Even when missing, you are still causing me problems! Appius spoke to himself.

"I heard that!"

He did his best to ignore the unexpected retort by blanking it from his mind to focus on the matter at hand. He couldn't kill her, not now. Force damn it all, she was Tracinya's sister! Tracinya called Appius her older brother and by extension that made her family. His family.

Why did Mandalorian honour have to be so complicated?

Aay'han pressed on with tears in her eyes and agony plastered on her face. Her body screamed for her to stop, to deal with the pain as it slowed her movements and made her hesitant in her strikes. The Force was an amazing gift for those who could wield it. It could bend and destroy galaxies or heal and mend wounds, but in her current physical state it was torture just trying to keep up her assault. As a result, her grasp on that mystical power faltered.

The young Marauder began to rely entirely on her martial prowess to gain an advantage over the Sorcerer by blending a mix of punches and kicks between her lightsaber sequences in an upward battle to close the gap between them; this was largely due to Appius' use of his saberstaff keeping the distance between them as he alternated with his own rapid succession of strikes from one blade to the other.

Aay'han gasps for air were noticeable to all. Just lifting her arms was an arduous task as her energy drained quickly to keep up with her assault. Appius wasn't exactly fresh either; his breathing was getting more and more ragged as time went on and he knew he had to end this sooner rather than later before he got himself into worse trouble.

"Are you done?" Appius suddenly asked as he parried a slash at his throat from her lightsaber and sidestepped the following attempt to kick him in his sternum.

"Shut up!" Aay'han's scream echoed into his mind.

"No, I won't!" Appius retorted as he blocked another follow-up strike. "You are exhausted. You've gotten slow, predictable and I could kill you anytime I want!"

"So why haven't you!?" Aay'han's voice exclaimed through Appius' consciousness when their sabers locked together, the Sorcerer holding firm against her wavering strength. He answered with only one word, a word that sent a wave of fire burning through the young girl's core.

"Pity."

In a fit of rage, the young Marauder retrieved her vibrosword and gripped the weapon tightly in her right hand to attempt to confuse Appius with a dual weapon assault. Unfortunately for her, this feeble attempt at Jar'Kai would prove to be her undoing. When Aay'han attempted to strike at Appius with the returning weapon, she found its blade to be sliced through completely by a jade coloured lightsaber. The detached metal dropped to the ground in a clump, causing the younger Mandalorian to recoil before she got hurt.

That was when Appius sensed his opportunity. He reached out with right hand and clasped his power in the Force around her, lifting her into the air before tossing her to the side. She tumbled across the grass as the friction tore into her delicate skin, before crashing face-first into one of the stone huts that littered the landscape.

The Sorcerer wasn't done. From his peripheral vision, he could see a small boulder lodged into the dirt that at first glance was approximately half the Sith's size. He stretched his right hand towards it and strained as he tore the object out of the dirt and launched it towards his enemy.

Aay'han felt the incoming threat roar through her subconscious and rolled out of the way without a second thought before the rock could hit her. The object crashed through the stone hut and sent a section of the wall beside her tumbling to the floor, much to the behest of the horror-struck Lanai inside that shrieked something fierce.

From a small distance away, Appius' chest rose and lowered as a bead of sweat ran down his face. He had to end this now. She wasn't just a hazard to him, but to herself if she kept fighting and only the Force knew how Tracinya would react when she found out he hurt her sister. He focused on his inner darkness, the destruction of his aliit on Mandalore, the pain of losing the ones he loved, the thoughts of Ankira being hurt; he drove all that anger and despair through him to the tips of his fingers as electricity hissed to life in-between them.

The Mandalorian hybrid slowly rose to her feet, her knees trembling and buckling under her lithe weight. She still held her lightsaber in her left hand and stood firm despite the Force's warning; she was in no position to raise the weapon to defend herself as the lightning that covered the distance between herself and Appius ended up striking her in her chest.

She wanted to scream, to shout, to do anything other than endure the fire that coarsed throughout her body like a torturous blanket. She writhed on the ground until a few moments later it stopped and she lay there, twitching and unable to move outside the ruined hut.

The Lanai inside the damaged hut quickly ran to her side to inspect her. Was it trying to help her? Its’ touch was gentle across her bruised and fractured flesh, but the sudden loud burst of flames from a nearby jetpack scared the creature back inside.

Appius landed beside her moments later, his saberstaff still ignited in his right hand and humming ominously above the young Sith. Aay'han managed a glance up towards him before turning her eyes back to the ground. She'd lost, so what was the point? She attacked him and the Mandalorian creed declared that he had every right to kill her if he wanted to. So she shut her eyes and waited for the inevitable, for her pointless existence to finally come to an end as a single tear dropped from her eye.

She'd failed. She didn't deserve to live and she never did. She would die without honour.

To her surprise though, her life didn't end in a flash of light, or by the swing of a lightsaber. The green blades that hung above her head retracted back into the hilt as the Sorcerer placed the weapon back on his hip.

"Y-you?" Aay'han sputtered, unable to form the full sentence in her mouth.

"No, I'm not going to kill you," Appius declared. "I should, and if you weren't related to Tracinya and Kalon I would."

"Why?!" Aay'han asked defeatedly through his mind. "I lost. I have no reason to live, I'm just a freak of nature and an experiment gone wrong. They should have killed me when I stepped out of my chamber."

That explains a lot, Appius mused to himself. It was clear to him now why she was so determined to beat him.

*"I know…"

Appius winced at her remark, forgetting again that she could hear his thoughts.

"Let me ask you something…?" the Sorcerer asked.

"Aay'han," the Marauder answered.

"Aay'han, right. Well, let me ask you something. Do you bleed?"

"What?" Aay'han whispered with confusion in his mind.

"Do you bleed?" Appius repeated. "Do you not have eyes or hands, a body of your own? Do you not feel hate, love, passion, hunger and the thirst granted to every living being? Do you attack and defend yourself with the same weapons everyone else can? Do you get sick then get better? Do you feel the hot and the cold upon your flesh like everyone else? Do you feel the pricks of a knife too sharp, the scorching of a pot too hot? If the answer is yes, then you have a right to live the same as everyone else, regardless of your origin."

Appius removed his helmet and held it in his hands, revealing a mess of ash-blonde hair beneath it.

"I'm sorry for what happened to Kalon, I really am. It was a mission that I sent him on, though I had no idea the Collective were on The Bastion until Tracinya and I got there to investigate his disappearance. By that point, it was already too late, but I'll tell you what I can do. There's a Dark Side nexus on this planet that I intend to investigate before I leave. But after I do, I'll arrange a meeting between you and Tracinya. How does that sound?"

"Why are you helping me?" Aay'han questioned.

"Because Tracinya calls me her ori'vod, her older brother. Which means by extension you are my family too, whether you like it or not," the Quaestor answered whole-heartedly as he felt his words lift the young girl's spirits. For the first time since Aay'han arrival on Ach-To, she allowed a small smile to grace her face.

"I agree," the half-breed accepted.

"Good. You there," Appius replied with an uplifted tone in his voice as he pointed a heavy finger to the Lanai still hiding within the damaged hut. "You can heal her injuries, yes?"

The creature timidly nodded its head as it stepped out of the remains of the hut.

"Excellent. Take good care of her. I'll be back very soon," the Mandalorian Taldryanite ordered as he placed his helmet back on his head. His jetpack flared to life and lifted him into the air, leaving Aay'han alone with her thoughts of what was to come.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 30 January, 2021 3:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You gave quite a nice depiction of Aay'han being scrappy, desperate, and headstrong right to the end. Nice wrap up to the Kalon/Tracinya sentiments and the themes of what is family for Aay'han specifically when she's at a loss and what family is for Mandalorians in general that you originally established.

You had nice combat depictions as always. It was good to see some of the pay-off especially that Appius is taxed by his extended power usage, even as a Sorcerer, in reflection of his Aspects' balance.

"Do you bleed?" Appius repeated. "Do you not have eyes or hands, a body of your own? Do you not feel hate, love, passion, hunger and the thirst granted to every living being? Do you attack and defend yourself with the same weapons everyone else can? Do you get sick then get better? Do you feel the hot and the cold upon your flesh like everyone else? Do you feel the pricks of a knife too sharp, the scorching of a pot too hot? If the answer is yes, then you have a right to live the same as everyone else, regardless of your origin."

Aww, my emotions. Very nice.


Can Be Improved

While this was a nice wrap up, the whole thing felt a little too disparate between Aay'han and Appius while he kicks her butt up and down the stairs. Every time I read these posts, and this one in particular, I kept finding myself thinking I was reading the battle of an Elder against a Journeyman, one immensely powerful and full of tricks with the Force and the other barely hanging on by gumption alone. I kept going back to your respective Sheets, surprised Aay'han had equal Primary Lightsaber Form to Appius, both of them at +4, and nearly the same level of Telekinesis. It would greatly improve your future battles to get some back and forth going between both characters in each of your posts.

This post had fewer grammatical errors overall but still many present and distracting. As I said, it certainly reads as though you two were writing to each other, and not for competitive purposes, but a proofing is never wasted. Ask your clanmates and brethren for a look over, or even do so yourself an hour or a day after not looking at your post. You'd be surprised how many errors you can catch when your brain has had the distance, because we automatically make sense of the things we're reading and correct them on the fly.

Also while a nice overall message and conclusion, this Final Post seems to read as a case of knowing your own character too well— you know where he's going, and that's towards being a more open and kind man again, willing to take in a foundling as his own and regretful for causing her pain. His current Aspects, however, don't as much jive with that. This does not seem to be Appius "brushing a situation under the rug" or responding with "sarcasm and humor" behind an "introverted mask". He's taking this very seriously, and he's giving Aay'han not just a chance instead of killing her, but actively welcoming her into his family and offering to teach her. Now, while this could be construed to match with the Aspect that discusses how he treasures those close to him — in that he is helping her because of his closeness to Tracinya — it still goes against the other mentions, even those in Ner Cyare, which implies that if he isn't with Ankira, he has no reason to be so kind. He's also specifically mentioned to have been investigating a "Dark side nexus" on the island and the same Aspect mentions that the Dark side can mess with his mind and bring out his worst traits again, particularly when away from Ankira (who again, isn't here.) Why is Appius making a new friend and adopting a new clanmate when it's specifically stated he's unlikely to do so?

And yes, I realize I'm basically saying, "Appi, update your Aspects." I know. ;P

The snide remark echoed in Appius' mind as his fingers dabbed at the wound upon his neck. For some reason it had shocked the Mandalorian.

It had been a while since anything had gotten that close without his consent.

The prior guilt he had felt evaporated in a cold wave of calculation. Who knew what the little runt was willing to do to garner the information she wanted.

The Sorcerer caught glimpses of her plotting, her mind in rapid fire succession attempting varying forms of attack. They came in flashes of images, so sudden that he couldn't see them to the end before the next image swam into a blurred flurry of impulse, instinct and in some instances sheer desperation.

Aay'han swayed her weight from one foot to the other, watching the much taller male. He seemed fixated on the crimson droplets on his gloved fingers. As though no one had ever made him bleed before.

The blackness of the visor made his mood impossible to read. The Iridonian felt her body hesitate, it was a fraction of a second.

It was enough though.

The Savant noticed.

Her charge was still swift, the lightsaber swung to the left flank akin to a feline attempting to fell prey animals.

To the Taldryanite it was as trivial as playing with a Loth-cat. The girl had begun to flag in earnest as her energy reserves began to fail, taking up more and more to heal the damage he had inflicted.

Appius parried with ease, his wrist only mildly protesting the weight of the blow but forcing the Marauder's wrist into an uncomfortable lock that could only be broken by yielding the blade or splintering bone as greater and greater pressure was applied.

The Iridonian chose the latter.

Unwilling to relent, her bones ground and creaked in protest.

Even above the hum of lightsaber blades both Mandalorians recognised the sound as it gave one final crack, the joint finally unable to endure anymore.

Aay'han couldn't stifle the whimper of pain as yet more bones broke. Her fingers went limp, forcing her to have to drop the lightsaber. Her oppugnant was at least kind enough to not press the advantage too far.

Instead Appius' boot lashed out at the child's knee forcing it to buckle without more breaking of bones. It was all the Half-breed could do but comply, suddenly on her knees with the damaged appendage being nursed to her chest protectively.

Next the Disciple kicked the lightsaber away for good measure, placing his own weapon back to his belt for now.

"I think you're done kid." He tried to offer a soothing voice but only received an animalistic growl for the trouble.

The Sith attempted to stand, but was forced right back down to her knees as the Human's palm urged her knees back into the dirt again.

Crimson moon like eyes stared up at the Savant, she looked innocent for a fraction of a minute as she maintained eye contact with him.

Appius felt the harsh tug of the Force but it was too late. Fear of the loss he had already experienced bubbled up from within a deep crevice in his chest.

It clawed its way up like an animal hell bent on being nihilistically free from his confining flesh. Leaving ash in its wake it took everything he had cherished away.

In those few seconds the Taldryanite had no idea what he did, lashing out against a threat which only existed in his mind. Sadly the haze that fell upon him saw Aay'han as the thing that needed to be destroyed.

And so he lashed out until her cackling of pain laced mirth subsidised as blissful oblivion overtook her.

By the time the Sorcerer regained his composure only a few seconds had passed him by but the Child's face was a shattered, bruised and mangled mess on the ground.

Shame panged in his gut as he realised what he had done and what had caused him to react.

He should have been better, he knew better than this.

Unable to leave Aay'han behind he scooped up the limp form and decided he needed to speak to Kalon after a few stiff drinks and finding a medical facility to undo the damage he had caused.

Master Ruka Tenbriss Ya-ir, 30 January, 2021 3:10 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Appius parried with ease, his wrist only mildly protesting the weight of the blow but forcing the Marauder's wrist into an uncomfortable lock that could only be broken by yielding the blade or splintering bone as greater and greater pressure was applied. The Iridonian chose the latter.

Okay, first of all, that's just metal. I loved it. Secondly, and overall, you did a nice job of using both the characters' Aspects through this post, what with Aay'han's Mad World having her laugh at her own breaking, and especially of Appius' Ner Cyare Aspect at the end about him feeling shame because he wants to be better, previously went bad, and still, evidently, can do very harmful things.

I would like to complement how you wrote use of Terror to inspire Appius to react badly. You brought up his feelings of fear and panic without somehow describing exactly what he's afraid of or making him see such, which is exactly how Terror should be written, so excellent job there.


Can Be Improved

You had a couple detractors show up in this post, a more major one in Realism due to power usage under the circumstances, and a very minor one in Continuity regarding Kalon. As with Appius, the post could have benefitted from proofing, but that hurt less than the Realism error did.

Even above the hum of lightsaber blades both Mandalorians recognised the sound as it gave one final crack, the joint finally unable to endure anymore...Aay'han couldn't stifle the whimper of pain as yet more bones broke.

As far as the ACC Rubric is concerned, a major detractor for Realism includes contradictory Power or Skill usage compared to the description or limitations. The concern here was both in Aay'han's continuing to fight after suffering a debilitating injury like a snapped wrist/broken limb when her Resolve score is +0, and in that she performed Terror considering that injury/Resolve level pairing that is at +1. You can reference both the Skills wiki for Resolve and the Force Powers wiki entry for Terror here, where Terror is specifically noted to be an advanced power difficult to use in battle at all and, at +1, "the Force User must devote their full concentration to turn the fears of another being against them. At this rank, it can take up to a minute for the power to cause the target’s fears to fully rise to the surface.

Crimson, moon- like eyes stared up at the Savant, she looked innocent for a fraction of a minute as she maintained eye contact with him...Appius felt the harsh tug of the Force but it was too late. Fear of the loss he had already experienced bubbled up from within a deep crevice in his chest.

You specify Aay'han is focusing/making eye contact for a "fraction of a minute" when the description for her Terror rank specifies upwards of a minute at minimum. It was overall that fact combined with her +0 Resolve that made the rest of the post after her wrist break unbelievable. If her Resolve were higher, I could see her being able to fight off the pain, stay conscious, maybe even strike back, but not as is. Be careful with having such severe injury occur before you're really calling the battle done and dusted. If she's got one more trick up her sleeve, then give her the room to reasonably use it, or give her the Skills to show that last act of defiance even in the face of defeat.

Unable to leave Aay'han behind, he scooped up the limp form up and decided he needed to speak to Kalon after a few stiff drinks and finding a medical facility to undo the damage he had caused.

As a final note on the Continuity error, Appius' first post establishes that Kalon is missing, and your second post furthers that. How can Appius speak to Kalon over drinks if he's missing in action? This may be an instance where Kalon isn't actually missing, and you two as authors both know that context, but the text of the match and only the match is what rules here, and this last line is contradictory to what was previously established.