Ranger Ria'd Stesca vs. Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Ranger Ria'd Stesca

Equite 2, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Male Zabrak, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Seeker
Comment

First let me apologize for how long this took to get graded. Obviously we had the RoS which was a focus for us Judges, but that’s still no excuse for how long I took after it was over.

Secondly, thank you for completing your match and both having actual endings!

This was a very traditional good vs evil match. You both relied heavily on the cliches of Sith and Jedi, though it was played very straight. This isn’t to say either of you did it poorly, but overall it wasn’t the most exciting story to grade, as neither of you seemed willing to take a chance at doing something different with it.

Grammatcially you both did pretty well, though Kamjin’s ending post was suffering from minor errors throughout.

Kamjin leaned more into the role he was playing, especially in his ending post, which did pull him the Story advantage!

Neither of you had any glaring issues with realism, so well done there!

My advice to both of you in the future is take more chances with the story, play it up more! Appius, you could have hammed up Kamjin to be a proper ‘bad guy’ but you never really did, you both pretty much stuck to the roles laid out in the opening post.

Regardeless, this was a solidly written match, so well done both of you!

With a score of 4.1, Kamjin pulls out the very close victory!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Ria'd Stesca, Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz
Winner Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Ria'd Stesca's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Seraph: The Lighthouse
Last Post 27 May, 2021 6:26 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Multiple minor errors throughout both posts, but the second post primarily, related to commas or hyphens. Detailed in the notes. Rationale: Minor errors throughout often times the period instead of comma for your dialogue that simply added up. Details in the notes.
Story - 40%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: The story retread the same ground over and over, but the 'consequences of your actions' bit got you advantage Rationale: Nothing really jumped out about this match, it had a clear ending, had some conflict, but nothing really elevated it. Take some chances, and be more consistent! Your start had Kamjin wanting to keep him alive, your ending had him backstabbing him. You had Ria'd straight up say he never attacked in the same post that started with **For the Light** charge.
Realism - 25%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: We attributed our concern with your Lightning more to Storytelling then any actual issue with your power usage here. Rationale: No issues.
Continuity - 20%
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues to be found! Rationale: No issues found!
Master Kamjin "Maverick" Lap'lamiz's Score: 4.1 High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 3.97
Posts

header

Located in the harbor of Caelestis City on Seraph, and rising from the tides without a rock in sight, the 250 meter tall lighthouse is a beacon of safety for seafaring vessels. For anyone else, it is a frequent and infamous place to carry out feuds under Meraxis' Code Duello.

The most popular choice for duels is the top-level platform, fifty meters wide and open to the elements, save for the tall transparisteel cylinder protecting the torch. There is no barrier around the edge of the platform to prevent a 250 meter fall into the waters below. However, robust Meraxian engineering has hardened the critical components of the lighthouse in such a fashion that the whole building is open for battle, provided the duelists sign off on funding repairs.

It has become quite an attraction for the local populace to watch the duels unfold from the harbor or from nearby tall buildings.

The Seraph Lighthouse was infamous. Even in the dead of the night, the local populace often scrambled to the surrounding buildings to watch the vicious masquerades of lightsabers dancing among the darkness, or blaster fire swarming the combatants like wild hornets.

Tonight was a particularly special occasion, and Kamjin revelled in it. The Clan Scholae Palatinae Proconsul stood atop the two-hundred and fifty-metre tall lighthouse with a spring in his step, a song in his heart, and a gleeful grin plastered on his face.

How often do we get the chance to confront a Jedi? The Elder Seeker thought bemusedly to himself. Word spread quickly, and even more citizens than usual clamoured to the rooftops to get the best view possible for the upcoming fight.

The door to the top of the fifty-metre wide platform thundered open with a slam, breaking the silence of the night. Two members of the ISA emerged, dragging a tall, handcuffed Zabrak along with them in either arm. The artificial light upon the platform illuminated the horned man like a spotlight upon the stage. The two soldiers forced the Jedi to his knees before awaiting further orders.

"Excellent job, gentleman. You may uncuff him and leave us," Kamjin ordered. The ISA members saluted the Proconsul and uncuffed the Defender before leaving the two alone, making sure to close the door behind them.

"Well, well, well! What do we have here? A Jedi in Scholae Palatinae territory? You are either the single bravest man I've ever met or one of the most foolhardy!" Kamjin exclaimed.

The Zabrak slowly rose from his knees, but offered no answer. Instead, his glistening grey eyes watched the older Human like a hawk-bat.

"Oh, how rude of me. Where are my manners? I completely forgot to introduce myself!" Kamjin said with a hearty laugh. "I am…"

"Kamjin Lap'lamiz, also known as 'Maverick'. You are a war hero and the current acting Proconsul of Clan Scholae Palatinae," the Jedi interrupted.

"Correct!" the Seeker jeered with a smirk. "And you are Ria'd Stesca, unaffiliated wandering Jedi extraordinaire! I'm terribly sorry for plucking you out of… whatever hole you crawled into," Kamjin inspected Ria'd's armor. There wasn't too much the Adept could see behind the Jedi's cloak, but the marks of Clone Wars era armor were unmistakable. It was like Ria'd was pulled out of the past and placed right in front of him. "But Jedi don't just wander into our territory. They are enemies of our Empire. You are an enemy of our Empire."

"I mean no ill will, I swear," Ria'd defended himself. "I simply wish to help those that need it most. That's the only reason I'm here. Your people are sick and hurt from wars on the planet. I simply wished to offer my services where I could."

"So I've seen. I've been watching your every move for the last week," the Sith chuckled at the Jedi's wide-eyed reaction to his statement. "What? You thought you could waltz into Scholae Palatinae territory, my Clan's territory and remain undetected? Under normal circumstances, I'd just have you shot on the spot. BUT, I do appreciate the help you gave to the citizens here on Seraph. They have indeed gone through a lot, more than a lot. So, here's what I'll do. I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse. Give up the way of the Jedi, come and join Clan Scholae Palatinae and accept us as the successors of Lord Sidious himself! You can put your talents to use here amongst our ranks. What do you say?"

An eerie silence passed between the two men. Ria'd's gaze dropped to the platform below their feet as he gave his response.

"No. I… I can't abandon my way. I'm sorry."

Kamjin bit his lip as he mulled over his next move.

Plan A hasn't worked, let's try plan B. The Elder thought as a slight grin stretched on his face.

"You know you want to join us, Ria'd. Just think of the good you could do, the people you could help. Join us."

Kamjin's words left his mouth and trickled into the Zabrak's ears like a river of honey. They wormed their way into his mind, changing his rational thinking, making him more submissive, more susceptible. Ria'd's thoughts were barely his own as the Seeker's suggestions pierced into his subconscious. The Zabrak shook his head once, then again, and again to fight what the Elder was doing, but nothing shook the numbing feeling at the back of his mind.

Kamjin carefully approached and reached for the pair of lightsabers at his thighs, a sickening smile plastered on the Sith's face.

"You could be so much more," the Seeker said, his words as sweet and gentle as a gentle breeze upon a lake. He pressed the ignition switches on his weapons. A bright red blade ruptured out the blade in Kamjin's right hand, whilst a blue blade erupted out of the hilt in his left.

Oh well, I tried. Mused the Elder.

The piercing sound momentarily brought Ria'd to his senses. The Defender allowed the Force to flow through him and summoned forth a pulse of energy. It freed him from the effects the Seeker put him under. The Zabrak's head felt lighter, clearer, like a fog had vanished from inside his mind. Thankfully, just in time for the Force to scream a warning to him through his subconscious.

Ria'd gasped as he dodged the red blade as it glanced past his armor. The blue blade in Kamjin's hand followed as quickly as the first, though the Jedi successfully slapped the hilt aside with the palm of his right hand before it could connect. The Elder's momentum carried him forward a couple of paces, though the Palatinae Proconsul quickly followed up with a horizontal slash with both blades towards the Defender's chest.

The Zabrak barely had time to register the humming of red and blue coming towards him. The Force warned Ria'd once again of imminent danger, and he poured that power into himself, making his legs stronger as he leapt back out of the way of the strike. The lightsabers zoomed past and clipped through the Jedi's cloak as the Defender back-flipped and landed on his feet a safe distance away. The Jedi threw off his damaged cloak as it fell to the platform and retrieved his lightsaber hilt from his hip before addressing Kamjin once again.

"Please! Please. I'm sorry. I had no idea I wasn't welcome here. I sincerely apologize and I will leave without a fuss. I don't want to fight you!" Ria'd pleaded from a distance, still holding on to his weapon.

"That's the thing I hate about you Jedi. You're all spineless," the Proconsul retorted. "You have two choices Ria'd, just two. Either join us, or you will die."

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 July, 2021 7:31 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


An interesting setup, more original than most! You set the scene well, it's clear why they’re having their conflict.

Can Be Improved


It feels like you skipped a bit of story between Kamjin trying to subvert Ria’d and Kamjin deciding he failed. There’s no indication of why Kamjin decided to pull his weapons, as Ria’d didn’t break free till after that happened. That Ria’d was left with his weapon I’m going to call plot convenience more than anything else, though the ISA giving it to Kamjin as a trophy would have felt more organic, something for Ria’d to take back.

"What? You thought you could waltz into Scholae Palatinae territory, my Clan's territory and remain undetected?

Your syntax throughout was pretty good. Could have used a ‘closing’ comma for the aside here about ‘my Clan’s territory’ though, before the and. Also, you kept closing out dialogue that was being modified with periods, when you should do so with a comma, ie. “blah blah,” said the man.

Ya, that’ll play nice on the holofeeds, Kamjin thought to himself. He risked a quick glance towards the skyline. Hovering in the air were several cam droids broadcasting the duel. It had been a calculated move on his part to let the populace see this exchange. While people knew of his legacy, it was sorely dated. They needed to see that he still wielded the Dark Side with impunity.

He flashed his customary smirk towards the cam droids before fixing his gaze upon the Jedi. Frankly, I don’t care which option you choose, but make a choice, he thought. There’s going to be no sport in me slashing you down in silence. After all, no one will broadcast that. Despite Scholae Palatinae’s control of the system, they weren’t so barbaric as to show the final death of a Jedi on the holonet. Kamjin needed him to acquiesce and join the Dark Side or put up enough of a fight that it was clear resistance wouldn’t be successful.

Kamjin straightened his back and crossed his saber blades in front of him at his shins. The Jedi was hunched over with his one hand outstretched still pleading for peace. The lightsaber hilt held in his right hand was still deactivated.

“Hurry up and make a choice,” Kamjin whispered at Ria’d after several tense moments of inaction.

Ria’d’s brow furrowed in confusion. He straightened up, lowering his hands slightly, trying to comprehend what Kamjin had just said. His mind was still a flurry of panic over what had transpired the last few hours and this Sith staring him down with murderous intent. Why would he speak so softly suddenly? As his mind began to work through the possibilities, his hand moved on instinct.

His blue blade sprang to life an instant before the upward sweep of Kamjin’s dual blades came rising at him. Ria’d held his blade horizontal to his body, wavering slightly as he fought against Kamjin’s blades. Kamjin continued to pull back on his blades, drawing Ria’d closer.

“Come on, Jedi. Make a declaration. Join us or fight to the death. Just say it loudly,” Kamjin said in a hushed tone. Louder than before, but still softly enough so as not to be caught by the cam droids.

Ria’d grunted as he fought against Kamjin’s pull. “Sith, I will not play your games! Let me leave in peace. There is no need for bloodshed.”

Finally, there it is, Kamjin thought. His grin spread earnestly now that Ria’d had committed. “Very well,” Kamjin proclaimed. “I have given you a chance to spare yourself this righteous punishment.” Kamjin shoved Ria’d back with his blades. As Ria’d stumbled back a couple steps, the Zabrak maintained his defensive posture with his blade. Kamjin’s eyes narrowed slightly, recognizing the impressive swordsmanship and wondering if this might be more interesting than he thought. Nevertheless, Kamjin extended his blades out to each side, speaking less to Ria’d than to the cam droids. “Let this be a warning to those who dare to meddle in the inter-politics of Clan Scholae Palatinae’s systems.”

Kamjin began to spin both of his sabers with such flourishments that Ria’d had to delve deep into his training to keep track of each blade. Ria’d’s saber wavered trying to anticipate where the next strike would come. His smooth head was beaded in sweat. It pooled near his horns and then raced down his face in heated streams. He blinked as a line slid into his irritated eye. At that moment, Kamjin twirled his blades above his head and locked them hilt-to-hilt. As the pommel of each hilt connected the silver outer layer slid together forming a solid bar. Once connected a royal purple color raced up each blade.

Ria’d exhaled, forcing himself to become centered. Grasping his hilt with his other hand he raised it slowly above his head. This complicated the situation. Kamjin twirled the now single staff above his head before slashing at Ria’d in a series of figure-eight attacks. Ria’d brought down his blade connecting with the first royal purple blade before slipping his blade off and bringing it across his chest with both hands to connect with the trailing attack from Kamjin.

Kamjin kept their blades locked as he drew down his staff to bring the forward blade slashing towards Ria’d’s throat. Ria’d shuffled his feet to become perpendicular to Kamjin, letting the slash graze past his head. He pushed hard where his blade remained connected to Kamjin’s, forcing the Sith to spin his blade in his hands or become disarmed. Ria’d spun himself back several paces from Kamjin and brought his blade upright in front of him.

“Please, I serve the Brotherhood as well; in my own fashion. We share the same masters. Let us work together to heal this planet,” Ria’d pleaded again.

Ugh, this guy won’t stop, Kamjin screamed in his head. Kamjin needed a spectacle and he was getting basic Soresu training regimens. No one was going to find this interesting. No one would be impressed with his prowess if it’s a series of blocked attacks and a scared Zabrak shuffling around on the tower.

Raising his staff, he let the purple glow highlight his face. “Jedi, this isn’t the way for us,” Kamjin started. The honey sweet tones seemed to meld with the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks beneath them. Despite the late hour and chilling spray from the water, Ria’d felt warm and at peace, as if he was hearing his old Master recite the Jedi Code on a sunny meadow. There is no emotion, there is peace.

“You know this to be true,” Kamjin continued. “Your own dogma will forever have you at odds with the Brotherhood. Yet, you claim to serve the Grand Master, same as me.” Kamjin slowly moved the blade back and forth. Highlighting each side of his face in sync with his words. “If you serve the Sith on the throne, then you are a Sith.”

“No,” Ria’d shook his head as if trying to force water from his ears. “No, I am not a Sith. I serve both the Light and the Brotherhood. They are not the same.”

“But, they are. They’ve been the same since the Jedi were first allowed into the Brotherhood. Don’t you see it?” Kamjin pleaded with Ria’d. “Don’t you see, that the moment you accept us you are us.”

“That’s not true. I seek only peace and balance. Where there’s structure, there’s a chance for rebuilding and healing,” Ria’d’s voice began to falter at the hollow words coming from his mouth.

“That’s right, peace and balance. Peace and balance...through control. You wanted to control those peoples’ thoughts. A Jedi comes and offers aid. A Jedi heals their ills. Then when the Jedi come to call upon them, they bend to your whims. At least a Sith is honest about his intentions, whereas you slink around and parade behind your idealism while achieving the same end.”

“You lie!” Ria’d screamed back at Kamjin.

“Then silence me, Jedi. Strike me down and prove me false!”

It was later said that people on the shore that night heard a piercing sound. As if a great building had been torn asunder and came crashing in on itself. It was cold, they’d say. As if all the heat was sucked from their body and ice had come crashing back in to fill the void. Like the sea spray freezing in the winter as its waves crashed upon the rocky shore.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 July, 2021 7:32 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Good balance of combat and chatting it up. Most of your combat was easy to follow (the ‘pulling’ with sabers was a bit confusing), and the flow was good!

Can Be Improved


You mixed paragraph viewpoints a couple times, ie. starting with Kamjin’s perspective and ending with Ria’d, this is generally a ‘no no’ as it can confuse the reader. Try to keep ‘em separate, even if you end up with small paragraphs. Other than that, the ending to your post was confusing and didn’t seem to have anything to do with the people fighting.

You also should be wary of verb changes in a statement, those need a comma as well to be grammatically correct.

Grasping his hilt with his other hand he raised it slowly above his head.

Grasping is one tense, raised is another, a comma after hand would save you some points. Note that this happened consistently throughout your post, keep an eye out for it.

Ria'd's body went numb and cold, like a strong breeze from Hoth brushed past his face. His eyes steeled, locking onto the Sith as the Zabrak watched the Elder's every movement.

Th-thump, th-thump, th-thump, th-thump.

Twin hearts beat like drums in Ria'd's chest. The Defender inhaled and exhaled deep breaths among the buzzing of cam droids that circled the two combatants like a tornado. The water crashed upon the shore below like a tidal wave threatening to rise. The wind picked up in speed, and as the Jedi inspected the Seeker, he could make out the bead of sweat that dripped down the older Human's scalp.

That was when a wide grin plastered itself on the Seeker's face. The Sith Adept stretched his right-hand fingertips towards the Zabrak and poured his hate, rage, sorrow and anguish to them like a molten river. Lightning sparked and hissed as it soared across the distance towards Ria'd. The Jedi instinctively swung his lightsaber to intercept the attack as the lightning dissipated into the blade.

"I said that's enough!" Ria'd screamed at the top of his lungs.

That's it! More! More just like that and you'll be putty in my hands! The Sith thought to himself.

"It's never enough, don't you see that? We are destined to do this forever. You know it is true," Kamjin smoothly declared. The Seeker's words were like a warm blanket over Ria'd's head. Warm, comforting, yet blinding to what was right in front of him. Once again, the Defender found himself at the mercy of the Proconsul's influence over him. He shook his head once, twice, three times, but the Seeker's hold on the Zabrak's mind grew tighter and tighter like a vice that refused to let go.

This was the opening Kamjin was waiting for, and he needed to act quickly. With his right hand, the Elder reached towards one of the circling cam droids that neared towards the fight. The Sith strained himself doing so, fatigue set in from his use of the Force up to this point. Nonetheless, with a hard grunt, Kamjin launched the droid at Ria'd before the Jedi could release himself from the Seeker's influence again.

The plan worked, and the circular droid slammed directly into the Zabrak's forehead, knocking him off his feet and onto his back near the platform's edge, his lightsaber rolling out of his fingers. Ria'd grunted in pain, the impact sent the droid careening off to the side as it sparked in a clump on the platform. The Jedi brought his hands up to cover his injury and when he removed them, he spotted a faint, red liquid in his palms.

Kamjin approached slowly, his pupils dilated, heavily breathing with a triumphant smirk stretched from his lips.

"You see, Jedi? This is where your dogmatic views have gotten you. On your back, beaten and bloodied!" the Proconsul declared loudly not to Ria'd, but to the remaining cam droids that floated around them like an actor to his audience. "It's still not too late. You can swear loyalty to Scholae Palatinae and serve as a mighty Sith healer amongst our ranks, all you need to do is kneel."

The Zabrak slowly forced himself up onto one knee, wobbling as he did so. The Defender felt his head throb with a migraine that refused to disappear. The Jedi's stomach churned as he felt he could vomit at any moment.

The elation Kamjin experienced could be seen from everyone who viewed the fight from afar. Ria'd glanced to Kamjin before he closed eyes and placed a hand over the open wound in his forehead.

"Yes… very good," Kamjin approved as his boots tapped closer to the Zabrak, lightsaber staff humming against the wind as it shone a vibrant violet. "Kneel before your new Master. No-one can challenge the Scholae Palatinae Empire, and you just proved it."

Ria'd focused as best he could given the circumstances. The Jedi forced himself to ignore Kamjin's ramblings and poured the light side of the Force through his body and into his injury.

There is no emotion, there is peace.

Slowly but surely, the pain began to numb, the bleeding slowed to a stop, and the flesh ripped open by the cam droid stitched itself together.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

It was slow, and took far more effort than he was usually used to, all thanks to the Seeker's way with words in his subconscious.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

Thankfully, the Sith's arrogance bought the Jedi the time he needed. The spewing feeling in Ria'd's gut vanished, his headache became nonexistent, but the Defender's breathing worsened.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

The Jedi knew he needed to end the fight now before he became too tired. Ria'd acted quickly and clasped his hands together. The Zabrak pushed the Force through as a small tremor burst from his body, strong enough to make the Sith's eyes go wide.

There is no death, there is the Force!

"Oh no you don't!" cried the older Human.

Kamjin attempted to impale Ria'd and raised his staff above his head to bring it down upon the Jedi in spectacular fashion. Luckily, he was too slow. The Zabrak saw the attack coming and reacted, instinctively reaching out with the Force and pulling the Proconsul forward. It wasn't particularly strong, but it was enough to stagger the Sith, trip him over the Zabrak, and off the edge of the platform.

"Sithspit!!!" Kamjin exclaimed. In his panic, he let go of his weapon as it fell to the jagged stones below. The Sith clung to the platform with what little energy he had left, though his strength was fading quickly from a mixture of fatigue, age, and lack of physical conditioning. Kamjin's arms burned like a raging inferno scorching across his muscles. After a few heartbeats, the Elder couldn't hold his grip any longer and began to fall.

At least he did, for half a second.

"I've got you!" yelled the Zabrak from above.

A large, gloved hand tightened around the Proconsul's wrist. Cam droids circled the abyss around the platform. All who watched could see the scene unfold like it was a clip from the holonet. Kamjin was slowly pulled up until his chest reached over the edge and he crawled to safety.

Both men's hearts thundered in their chests. Kamjin stared wide-eyed on his hands and knees with Ria'd sitting beside him.

"You…" the Sith started, lost for both words and breath. "Why?"

"You said my dogma would forever have me at odds with the Brotherhood. It doesn't have to be that way," Ria'd answered, slowly rising to his feet. The Zabrak offered a hand out to Kamjin, which the Seeker reluctantly accepted. "I seek only to help. To heal and nurture. I never wanted any of this, Kamjin. Let us leave this bloodshed behind us. The only way we can move forward in this galaxy is to work together, not against each other. Let past grievances be forgotten, and learn to exist together. What do you say?"

The Jedi held his hand out to the Sith again, and Kamjin's eyes glared at it for a moment.

"This was not how this was supposed to go," the Scholae Palatinae responded with mumbled and frustrated words.

"In my experience, it never usually does," the Jedi acknowledged.

The Sith grasped hold of the hand in front of him in a hearty gesture as his eyes glanced over to the Zabrak's lightsaber just a few feet away on the platform. A noticeable grin stretched on the Sith's face which led to a confused expression from Ria'd.

Before the Zabrak could inquire, Kamjin stretched out with the Force as the lightsaber hilt soared from the ground and into the Sith's grasp. Ria'd attempted to intercept, but was far too tired and missed it by half an inch as the Adept pressed the ignition switch. A bright blue blade pierced through the Jedi's abdomen. Wide-eyed, gasping in both pain and shock, the Zabrak dropped to the ground, eyes stinging with tears. Ria'd managed to turn his head to look to Kamjin, betrayal evident in his features.

"I hear what you say, Jedi, but I politely refuse. The light and the dark... They cannot coexist without conflict. Peace is a lie. There is only passion, Through passion, I gain strength," Kamjin recited the words like they held the meaning to his existence before he deactivated Ria'd's lightsaber and sheathed it on his hip. The Proconsul then turned to the remaining cam droids.

"As you can see! The deceptiveness of the Jedi failed to overcome the might of Scholae Palatinae! He tried to trick me, make me lower my guard, but I have prevailed! Scholae Palatinae will prevail in the name of its citizens! For the Empire!" Kamjin proclaimed loudly as the lights faded from Ria'd's eyes, and the Jedi fell unconscious.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 July, 2021 7:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a clear and concise ending, though I think that wound would have killed Ria’d more so than made him pass out.

Can Be Improved


I don’t know if I should applaud you for leaning on the Sith betrayal cliche or be sad that you didn’t make Kamjin into more of a Saturday morning cartoon villain and really leaned into the whole thing :P

You also departed heavily from your own characterization of Kamjin in the first post, in that he very clearly didn’t WANT to kill Ria’d, but here the moment he has the chance to backstab him he does.

You again had your comma issues with dialogue, keep an eye out and turn it around, because you’re very consistent, just flip it!

Ria’d’s scream echoed over the water as he leapt into the air. Kamjin snapped his head back to track the Jedi’s unnatural agility. Several meters above Kamjin, Ria’d spun his blade, grasping it with both hands and pointed it downward at the Sith. He inhaled, momentarily stopping the icy, broken howl that he was emitting. As gravity took hold of him, he screamed, “For the Light!”

Kamjin widened his stance as the pinprick of a blue light grew brighter. His breathing remained steady, he smirked yet again to himself. So predictable, he thought. He felt the cam droids race above him and track with the descending Jedi. The blue light was now filling his eyes. At the last possible moment Kamjin broke his sabers apart. The royal purple hue collapsed back to the blades’ original red and blue shades. With a flurry of movement he crossed his blades, intersecting with Ria’d’s blue blade. Sparks showered over Kamjin as the blades scraped together.

Kamjin stopped the deadly strike but was forced to the ground by Ria’d’s weight. The air was momentarily knocked from his lungs and he reached deep inside himself to kick the Zabrak off of him. Ria’d stumbled back a few steps, still off-balance from the parry. As he centered his stance, Kamjin scrambled back to his feet.

“Good,” Kamjin mocked. “That was a strike worthy of a Sith.” Kamjin dragged his blades along the ground. Ria’d blinked as the blades melted the ground and the molten white metal blazed in the darkness. Kamjin timed his strikes perfectly, criss-crossing his blows, keeping the Zabrak on guard. The Jedi put up a steeled defense. With his hilt firmly in both hands he swung the saber like a club, batting away Kamjin’s strikes.

Kamjin pressed the attack, forcing the Zabrak to shuffle slowly backwards. “Don’t stop now, Jedi,” Kamjin hissed out the last word. “You know it to be true.”

“Never!” Ria’d protested. The Zabrak took the initiative. He jabbed at Kamjin, forcing the Sith to stall his advance. Kamjin smacked aside the attack with his blue blade. Ria’d moved with Kamjin’s parry, sweeping his blade low to come at Kamjin’s ankles.

Kamjin was out of position and awkwardly brought his right blade down to parry. Ria’d seized upon the opening and pulled his blade up. Reconnecting with Kamjin’s blue blade, Ria’d spun Kamjin’s blade backward, twisting Kamjin’s wrist painfully. Kamjin howled in pain and dropped the saber. The blue blade extinguished, clattering on the floor.

As the hilt dropped Kamjin howled and let forth a mighty blast of Force Lightning. The night sky crackled with energy as the blast struck Ria’d. The Zabrak was lifted off his feet and flailed backwards.

“Come on!” Kamjin yelled. “You can do better than this. A Sith doesn’t disarm his opponent,” Kamjin taunted, throwing his left hand back and summoning his hilt to him and reconnecting it to his thigh holder. “A Sith strikes to hurt. To maim. To kill. You’ve already done that tonight.”

Ria’d groaned from the ground. Arcs of residual lightning danced over his armor as he rolled in pain.”Only you’ve attacked me, Sith,” he said through gritted teeth.

“Oh no, that’s where you’re wrong. Those people you tried to help. Well, they’re marked now. The inhabitants of this city know of the might of Clan Scholae Palatinae. Moreso, they know that working with a Jedi is a death mark.”

“You wouldn’t…”

Kamjin deactivated his remaining saber and reattached it to his other hip. “Igna Jay, guilty of accepting medical aid from a Jedi. Terminated. Zatea Famn, guilty of providing food to a Jedi. Terminated. Aerki Mehl, guilty of providing assistance to a Jedi. Terminated.” Kamjin emphasized the points by sending blast after blast of Force Lightning at Ria’d so as to punctuate that they were terminated.

Ria’d screamed in pain. Kamjin openly smiled, knowing it wasn’t physical pain that tore at the Jedi’s spirit. “You killed them, Jedi. Just like a Sith, you smiled at them with an open hand and stole their life from them with the other. Stop fighting it. You and I, we are brothers in the Force. Join me. Renounce the feeble Light you cling to and I will show you wonders you’ve never imagined.”

Ria’d curled into a ball. Tears flowed like the great falls on Naboo from his eyes. The cam droids hovered closer, their lenses focusing on the Jedi’s plight. The mighty Zabrak howled in pain. How could he undo all that I sought to accomplish, his mind screamed. How could I have let those people come to such a fate. Am I no better than a Sith? I serve the Iron Throne. I know what they are. I know who they are.

“I feel the struggle within you,” Kamjin softened his tone. “You know I’m right. You see it, don’t you? How clearly you’ve worked all along to our design. To the Sith’s plan.” Ria’d looked through bloodshot eyes at Kamjin. The light from the lighthouse pulsed mesmerizingly behind him. Ria’d saw the war hero he had seen on the holovids, the proud warrior and loyal officer fighting for the Brotherhood, just as he did.

Perhaps he’s right, Ria’d thought. Perhaps there is no distinction between the Light and the Dark. It wasn’t what I did that doomed those people, it was who I am.

Kamjin saw the conflict raging within Ria’d. The shadow was creeping ever closer to the Jedi. Kamjin took a moment to smile at the cameras. “I am not without mercy, Jedi. Join me and all will be forgiven.”

Ria’d’s mind snapped back into focus at the word ‘mercy’. Sith don’t give mercy. They give lies. He looked again at Kamjin and saw only a swirling, raging storm of dark energies blotting out the light. I am not a Sith and I never will be, he thought.

“No, Sith, I will never join you,” Ria’d spat out at Kamjin.

“Then you will die!” Kamjin raised both of his hands and sent a storm of raging energy dancing through the night at Ria’d. “No!” Kamjin screamed as his Lightning crackled and danced along an impregnatable barrier. Ria’d used the momentary opening to get up. His saber sprang back to life as he centered himself for another attack.

Kamjin’s mind was raging with fury. How dare this Jedi humiliate him in front of the populace. That was to have been the master stroke. The moment the Jedi, broken and defeated, accepted his fate and let slip the mortal coil. Kamjin would have been the hero. The Jedi vanished, his power secured, and the people cowed into submission once again.

“You will not humiliate me, Jedi!” Kamjin screeched. Kamjin reached his hands out into the sky. The cam droids came to a halt, fighting against some invisible constraint. Kamjin threw his hands towards the Zabrak and, one after another, the cam droids careened towards him.

Ria’d was drained from his barrier. He sliced through one droid, sending the two halves spinning off in opposite directions. He sidestepped another before a third clipped his shoulder. The force of the impact caused him to drop his stance and he dove to avoid a fourth cam droid that came flying at his head.

Kamjin raised his hands and sent another blast of Force Lightning hurtling at the Jedi. Ria’d brought his blade up barely in time to block the blast. Between his awkward dive and the force of the blast, his lightsaber went flying over the side of the lighthouse.

“It’s over!” Kamjin screamed.

Ria’d drew quick, sharp breaths as he supported himself on his hands and knees. His head was hung low in pain as his hand slowly reached to clutch at his abdomen.

“There is no joining us now, Jedi. Prepare to become one with your precious Living Force.” Kamjin spat.

“You’re right. I won’t be joining you,” Ria’d said as he dove off the edge of the lighthouse.

Kamjin rushed to the edge of the platform. Staring down into the ink black sea, he could see no sight of the Jedi. The crashing waves against the island churned the water so he couldn’t tell if the Zabrak had made contact or not.

There’s no way he could have survived that fall, Kamjin thought. Yet, something nagged at the back of his mind that he couldn’t quite place. Looking up at the remaining cam droids he ran a hand through his hair, resituating it.

“People of Seraph, justice has been done.” Kamjin said. This’ll still work in my favor, he thought as he prepared to speak to the press back on the mainland.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 July, 2021 7:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


A nebulous ending is still an ending, and I’d be a hypocrite if I said I hadn’t ended a match or two the same way, heh. I liked that you really leaned into the Sithiness in this post, announcing those Ria’d had helped or been helped by were getting purged, much more Dark than the back and forth ‘join me’ that was the rest of the match.

Can Be Improved


During your combat you did a lot of repetivie word usage, parry and parry, Kamjin howled when his wrist was twisted then howled again with Lightning. Change it up! You also ‘hit the Lightning button’ (thank you to my second judge for that) a lot with no signs of fatigue, which while your level in the power does account for some of this, you were also consistently dipping Mind Trick in throughout the entire match, as well as...we interpeted anyways, Amplification and Telekinsis. If Kamjin had come across as even winded by all of that it would have helped your Story.

A Sith doesn’t disarm his opponent,”

Tell that to Vader.

I suspect you didn’t have time for a proofer on this one (finishing up in time for the RoS maybe), because compared to your first post you had some issues. A few missing commas, missing a space between sentences, and some words (crisscrossing and masterstroke) that didn’t need hyphenation.