Obelisk Prelate Mirus Hi'ija vs. Obelisk Templar Kanis Da'uul

Obelisk Prelate Mirus Hi'ija

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Obelisk, Juggernaut
vs.

Obelisk Templar Kanis Da'uul

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Female Human, Obelisk, Juggernaut
Comment

This match was pretty one sided. Even without the major detractor to Kanis' realism (by using an NPC to interfere in the fight, instead of organically working the NPCs into the story) Mirus demonstrated better overall form in all categories we look for in a match. The writing was clear, there was an attempt at a non-typical story arch, and small twists that helped.

Match goes to Mirus.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Obelisk Prelate Mirus Hi'ija, Obelisk Templar Kanis Da'uul
Winner Obelisk Prelate Mirus Hi'ija
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Obelisk Prelate Mirus Hi'ija's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Obelisk Templar Kanis Da'uul's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Karufr: Spanky's Tavern
Last Post 10 August, 2015 11:46 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn Lynnyaria Meraudstar
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No errors I could find. Rationale: You need to get your work proofread. On top of that, you need to work on using your language to describe action more clearly. When everything is a run-on sentence, it's harder for a reader to follow. See my notes.
Story - 40%
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn Lynnyaria Meraudstar
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Clever story. You really need to work on "showing" not telling. It will hurt you against a more experienced opponent. I can read the character sheets, and expect you to do so as well--but you need to show me, through your narrative, how we know this information. Rationale: You set up an interesting encounter. Your writing was paced well, action wise, the dialogue worked. I kind of got confused as to what happened at the end of your death post. It just didn't seem very clear.
Realism - 25%
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn Lynnyaria Meraudstar
Score: 5 Score: 0
Rationale: Good use of Charter Sheet mechanics. No issues. Rationale: Major Detractor: NPC's interfering with a battle. Kanis' using his fade is a cop-out that ultimately goes against the spirit of the ACC's dueling nature.
Continuity - 20%
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn Lynnyaria Meraudstar
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn's Score: 4.6 Lynnyaria Meraudstar's Score: 2.5
Posts

You stand in a room, nearly dark but for the pulse of rhythmic flashes of bright colored lights. Besides your opponent and yourself, you note a large number of bystanders who are sure to take exception to the coming carnage. Then again, knowing this crowd, they could just as easily find entertainment in an old-fashioned brawl. Spanky's is, after all, one of the more fashionable drinking establishments of Karufr.

The patrons seem to be a mix between the scantily clad women hawking their charms and the well-dressed gentlemen eager to part with their hard-earned credits. The odors in the tavern assault your senses and threaten to muddle your reflexes. Among them, you recognize over a dozen various types of stimulants—both legal and illegal—and the heady scent of, what is quite possibly, the most varied collection of liquor this side of the Galaxy.

The tavern itself is fraught with tactical advantages and disadvantages. Designed in the familiar style of all amphitheaters, the floor is slightly slanted toward a central stage where a lithe, twi'lek female is currently dancing. Littered amongst the floor are drink tables, heavily laden with glassware and other potential missiles. Uncomfortable, heavy metal chairs surround each of the tables in a semi-circle, so that the occupant's view of the stage is never hindered. The only exit, aside from the doorway where you stand, is a vaulted staircase—guarded by two very well-dressed, and heavily muscled, gentlemen—leading into parts unknown.

Small bars bracket the tavern on either side, filled with a glittering rainbow of bottles. Whatever is about to go down, you realize it would go down better with a stiff drink.

Kanis looked around the Tavern as he paced across the floor hearing both the cheering and the hissing of the crowd around him, louder than all of him his wife a curvaceous Mandalorian whom was waving her arms at him. The Dark Jedi approached the woman removing his mask as she quickly threw her arms around his neck locking her forehead to his as he looked down.

“Be careful out there flyboy.” she said with worry in her voice.

“I’ll be alright…. I hope….” The Qel-Droman said as he swallowed the lump in his throat, he’d heard rumors about Mirus’ Hammer, bad rumors.

“Don’t Frakking talk like that.” His Fade nearly shouted at him, “I’m worried enough about you as it is.”

The Human caressed his wife’s cheek as his locked his lips to hers, pulling away with an uneasy smile after a moment. “Don’t worry I’ll come back…Ni kar’tayl gar darasuum…” He said kissing her one last time before walking away as he placed the silver mask back over his face, the internal microphone bumped up against his lips. “Mirus, you copy?” he whispered into the small object.

“Loud and clear Kanis…” Mirus mumbled, his throat mic picking up the message and relaying it to the other Arconan.

“You’re not going to hit me too hard with that hammer are you?” Kanis asked snickering.

“Can’t make any promises…” Mirus stated jokingly.

“Wait what?” The Templar said, but it was too late, his opponent had already walked in and was standing within spitting distance of the young Equite.

The Coruscanti drew his Lightsaber spinning it three times before before igniting it as it came back around at which he continued to spin it building up kinetic energy whilst he darted towards his challenger.

“Oh so right to it then?” Mirus asked.

“This is going to Frakking suck!” Kanis nearly shouted into his mic.

Mirus smirked as he drew his weapon igniting it just in time for that of his cyan blade to his Battle team mate’s, a bright display of a light blue that lit up the area around them, each shared strike flashed cyan and white as both the Equites hacked and slashed furiously trying to build both kinetic energy and momentum to best the other; however, they were too evenly matched for it to make much of a difference, dropping his right arm to his side Kanis spun away from the Prelate’s next strike. He spun his weapon as he paced, the young Coruscanti could feel his heart pounding in his chest he knew the eyes of Taldryan were upon them so they had to put on a very good show as to not draw any attention to the ruse.

Maa’ka would have chewed her fingernails down to the nubs if she weren’t wearing gloves as she watched the clashes and the narrow dodges, she gripped the handle to her weapon’s case tightly as she watched her husband bob and weave in and out of Mirus’ advances, the Mandalorian had been briefed on the mission; however, that reassurance wasn’t enough for her to not worry since this was the first battle in years that she hadn’t had his back for this long, it took more than just sheer willpower for her to not leap into the fray.

“I must compliment you on your form Kanis..” Mirus commented with a slight sense of admiration for his opponent, they’d been on two battle teams together; however, they’d never really worked together much less talked with one another.

“Well, when you have someone to impress you tend to put your best foot forward…” Kanis replied with a smirk as he leaned to the side slashing his saber up to counter, another bright flash lit the arena as both adversaries kept each other at bay in a struggle.

After breaking apart the Templar began spinning his weapon again watching Mirus carefully, he was making it a point not to destroy Mirus’ lightsaber because the hammer was the last thing that he wanted to see used.

“Swordplay alone isn’t going to put on a good enough show to not draw suspicion, we are going to have to step it up soon.” the Prelate warned.

“Please don’t use your hammer yet, I like my bones how they currently are… unbroken…” Kanis commented.

“I was thinking more of the Force…” Mirus said with a chuckle.

“Oh, that I can do..” The Human assured him as he spun his saber into a reverse grip and threw out his left palm summoning the force into a violent bolt of electricity.

Mirus braced his stance absorbing the shock into his blade, he spun his weapon with a smirk on his face. “Is that all you’ve got!?” He shouted out much to the pleasure of the onlookers as he too spun his blade into a reverse grip thrusting out his palms conjuring the force into a massive blast of telekinetic energy when upon impact threw his young opponent back.

Kanis went airborne deactivating his lightsaber and hitting the ground, he managed to sneak in an extra roll before he dizzily stood up placing his left hand to the side of his head as the room spun in what felt like twelve different directions. As his vision came back into focus he leaned back placing his hand to the ground narrowly dodging a horizontal slash from his Clanmate, he tucked into a ball as best he could and somersaulted back as he stood up reactivating his weapon.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 19 August, 2015 5:50 PM UTC

Kanis looked around the Tavern as he paced across the floor hearing both the cheering and the hissing of the crowd around him, louder than all of him his wife a curvaceous Mandalorian whom was waving her arms at him

Run-on sentence. Break this up.

“Be careful out there flyboy.” she said with worry in her voice.

"Be careful out there*,* flyboy*,*" she said..

The Coruscanti drew his Lightsaber spinning it three times before before igniting it as it came back around at which he continued to spin it building up kinetic energy whilst he darted towards his challenger.

Run-on sentence. Break into two sentences.

Mirus smirked as he drew his weapon igniting it just in time for that of his cyan blade to his Battle team mate’s, a bright display of a light blue that lit up the area around them, each shared strike flashed cyan and white as both the Equites hacked and slashed furiously trying to build both kinetic energy and momentum to best the other; however, they were too evenly matched for it to make much of a difference, dropping his right arm to his side Kanis spun away from the Prelate’s next strike.

This is actually good combat writing. Run-on sentence. Break this up. It's almost impossible to read clearly.

two battle teams

Battleteam is one word in the DB

summoning the force

Always capitalize the Force. Unless you are talking about a force of inertia.

Too much talking - not enough action. In Mirus' mind, little else was paramount. He knew his opponent was a keen duelist, honing the art of the lightsaber above all else. Immediately the Titan knew that there was only one recourse right now to put on a good show for the rapidly-gathering crowd; take out his best weapon and fight with it. His lightsaber suddenly deactivated and switched out as the hulking warrior paced backwards, placing some distance between himself and his Clanmate. The savage look in his eyes belied the nature of the hunter, sizing up his prey, preparing to render him destroyed.

Kanis gulped, eyeing off the big blunt weapon. "I didn't think you were going to pick that so soon."

Mirus just stared, the hunter's patient visage writ upon his face. There were no more words.

Despite being deep in Taldryan territory-- and knowing full well that with enough eyes on the target they would recognise him for exactly who he was and potentially mobilise forces against them-- Mirus felt confident that he would not be immediately known. Despite being apprentice to their Consul and once one of their Battleteam Leaders, he was a very different person since then. Perhaps they might have forgotten about him. He hoped so. That was not a thought he wished to entertain for long. This fight had to end, soon - watchful eyes were beginning to track their combat.

At this point in time, everything was a weapon, too. Tables, chairs, civilians, bottles of alcohol - anything and everything in the room could become a projectile. Both men knew this, being avid lovers of telekinetic blasts, and understood each other with a momentary glance.

Mirus' foot slammed down first as his point of focus, the tables around him scattering away like leaves upon the wind. Shouts began to erupt from the onlookers, angry that their drinks were disturbed and that this was beginning to impact their lives beyond their petty entertainment. To return the favour, Kanis lifted a table through the Force and tossed it directly at the Titan - who smashed it into a thousand pieces with little more than a single swing of his hammer. He knew to return the favour, opting to throw two discarded bottles of beer right back at his opponent's head. Kanis chose to shatter them through the Force, deflecting them away to the ground. The glass shattered loudly, spilling shards all across the floor and adding to the chaos that was building here.

From there, there was only one thing left to do: attack.

The Titan charged headlong at Kanis, who was decidedly hoping to be pressing the attack himself; the opening two-handed power hammer swing was savage but the youth avoided by taking a pair of fast steps backwards, the hammer's head impacting the floor and cracking it. After all, a tool designed to decimate rock and ore veins would have no trouble against synthetic flooring. However, Kanis was not going to be deterred - in fact the young Juggernaut was already on the move.

Kanis' blue blade lashed upwards through the haft of Mirus' weapon, severing the power hammer instantly and sending its halves clattering to the floor in the process. Just because the hammer's head was terrifying, the handle was not - and the fastest way to render it useless was to make it unwieldable. The Dathomiri, caught off-guard, stepped back quickly, then went back to his lightsaber, summoning it to his hand and activating it once again. A shame. He loved that hammer, too.

Kanis was going to have to pay.

The young Mandalorian could not suppress his grin, keying his throat mic. "What do you think of that, hey, Titan?" he said, taunting the big man into action.

"I think I'm going to smash your face into the floor for breaking my favourite hammer. Never break a blacksmith's hammer."

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2015 1:32 AM UTC

Too much talking - not enough action. In Mirus' mind, little else was paramount. He knew his opponent was a keen duelist, honing the art of the lightsaber above all else.

How does he know this?

Both men knew this, being avid lovers of telekinetic blasts, and understood each other with a momentary glance.

Again, how do we know this? Yes, the CS's say it, but show me, don't tell me about it.

Kanis' blue blade lashed upwards through the haft of Mirus' weapon, severing the power hammer instantly and sending its halves clattering to the floor in the process. Just because the hammer's head was terrifying, the handle was not - and the fastest way to render it useless was to make it unwieldable.

Love this element. Breaking your own weapon and setting it up for a tone-shifter.

Kanis’ heart stopped as he heard Mirus words spoken in such a cold tone, he didn’t figure that destroying the Titan’s hammer would have had such negative effects; however it was time to end this, the young Coruscanti gulped hoping that he hadn’t done enough to make his clanmate want to kill him. Maa’ka shook her head as she sat her case down casually, after pulling her collapsed electro-staff from her belt, she proceeded to spin the object tempting it to full length as she thumbed the ignition, loud pops and snaps filled the air as the conductors lit up.

Kanis spun out of the range of the frustrated Qel-Droman’s flurry, he was more focused on his dodges looking for an opening in his opponent’s defenses that he could use that wouldn’t kill the man; however, things were looking quite grim, if he didn’t want to kill the Titan he was going to have to take a dive to repent for destroying his Clanmates favourite weapon, but he knew that if he was going to take the dive he would have to force him into hand to hand combat, which meant removing both their weapons from the scenario.

His thought process took a moment too long and in a quick flash Maa’ka was pushing up with all her strength as she held her staff against the bitter bite of the Prelate’s cyan blade. Kanis somersaulted passed his wife dropping into a sweep that threw the other Obelisk off of his feet, deactivate his weapon Mirus hit the floor hard. Thinking fast, the Templar kicked the weapon from his opponent’s loose grasp and stabbed the blade of his weapon through that of his opponents rendering it useless.

Looking down at the Prelate he shouted, “Werde hiibir mhi!” Kanis shouted in Mando'a as he willed the Force to push all the light out of the area before he quickly pulled his Clan-mate to his feet. “Time to get the frakk out… Maa’ka!” he exclaimed.

Seeming to read her husband’s mind, she nodded dashing to her case quickly pulling out the Barracuda and setting it to burst fire as she backed up to the pair firing into the darkness at the heat signatures displayed on her HUD, the enemy aspirants that were unlucky enough to fail to evade the hail of slugs howled in pain as they fell to the ground deactivating their lightsabers, the horrified onlookers who were blessed enough to not become collateral damage scattered screaming in fear, some being thrown down by pursuing saberist's. The Arconan’s were outnumbered and both Kanis and his Battle Team mate knew they wouldn’t survive long deep in enemy territory.

Quickly darting his hand up to his ear mounted communicator Kanis quickly began barking orders with the nostalgia of when he led his own Battle Team. “Marrek, requesting immediate exfiltration now!” however all that came back was static, in a frenzie Kanis barked the order again only being met by static. The young man’s heart nearly stopped when he heard a familiar monotone voice crack in through the static.

“Seriously Kanis, how many times am I going to have to save you?” Feta asked.

“Master?” The Coruscanti choked. “Get down.” She said calmly.

“GET DOWN!” Kanis shouted to his team, the three then dropped prone to the ground just outside the tavern as a gunship of medium size strafed into view, a hideous sound filled the skies as the air lit up with blaster fire, the vehicle turned to the side keeping its guns as trained as possible in an attempt to keep the Qel-Droman’s pursuers at bay. To add to the chaos a few members of a Cartel hit squad leapt off the side of the ship as it touched the ground, the muzzles of their weapons fully ablaze with blaster fire. Once the trio was on board the gunmen slowly moved back onto the gunship as their assailants began pushing forward however as luck would have it by the time they were in range the ship had already taken to the skies, enemy fighters in tow moments later.

Lord Marick Tyris Arconae, 20 August, 2015 1:37 AM UTC

Kanis’ heart stopped as he heard Mirus words spoken in such a cold tone, he didn’t figure that destroying the Titan’s hammer would have had such negative effects; however it was time to end this, the young Coruscanti gulped hoping that he hadn’t done enough to make his clanmate want to kill him.

Mirus'*, period should go between "tone" and "he" to make two sentences. Improper use of the semicolon and subsequent grammar.

Kanis spun out of the range of the frustrated Qel-Droman’s flurry, he was more focused on his dodges looking for an opening in his opponent’s defenses that he could use that wouldn’t kill the man; however, things were looking quite grim, if he didn’t want to kill the Titan he was going to have to take a dive to repent for destroying his Clanmates favourite weapon, but he knew that if he was going to take the dive he would have to force him into hand to hand combat, which meant removing both their weapons from the scenario.

This entire paragraph is one sentence. Break it up/down. Extremely hard to read/follow.

His thought process took a moment too long and in a quick flash Maa’ka was pushing up with all her strength as she held her staff against the bitter bite of the Prelate’s cyan blade. Kanis somersaulted passed his wife dropping into a sweep that threw the other Obelisk off of his feet, deactivate his weapon Mirus hit the floor hard. Thinking fast, the Templar kicked the weapon from his opponent’s loose grasp and stabbed the blade of his weapon through that of his opponents rendering it useless.

NPCs cannot interfere in a fight this directly. This match is going to be used as an example of why. It breaks up the narrative of the combat between Mrius and Kanis and introduces a character without a CS into the duel. NPCs are fine for flavor/scenario, but they cannot interfere in the match.

The teal blade flashed through the air as it met Kanis' own blue-hued lightsaber, connecting in front of the two Arconans as they dueled for supremacy before their earnest crowd. Screams of excitement from the onlookers had turned to grumbles of discontent, however, as their involvement via shrapnel was drawing more negative attention than they'd like. Besides, this had drawn out long enough - it was uncommon for two unknown Dark Jedi to be fighting here. Sure, on Karufr, the Taldryanites would get very drunk and start fighting each other, but these were newcomers with a lot of power. This didn't usually happen - most people recognised the Old Folks and their underlings. Someone higher up had to know.

The Titan had to approach this situation very carefully. Without a doubt the agents of Clan Taldryan were already swarming this place. In fact, Mirus could see someone talking into a throat mic very similar to his own in one of the shadier corners of the bar, a drink in his hand as a cover. This was not good. After all, Mirus Cavataio had been the apprentice of Consul Aslar - and for his betrayal thanks to the alchemists of Naga Sadow, was an extremely wanted man in this space. Mirus Hi'ija was not precisely the same person, but for all intents and purposes was - likely they would dispatch the Wardens to bring him in and present him before the Wroonian that was once his Master, before they removed his head. If they caught the traitor, then his death was an inevitability. Betrayal was rarely taken lightly by the Dark Side.

"Kanis," Mirus said quickly as their blades clashed, faces pressing closer together in a feigned sign of aggression.

"What's up?" the youth enquired.

"You need to defeat me. Excessively."

There was a moment in which the young Mandalorian raised an eyebrow, exceptionally confused. No opponent he had ever fought had ever asked to lose before, so this was indeed a first for Kanis. Hesitation scrawled its way across his face, unsure if this was the right course of action. He paused momentarily, lightsaber wavering ever so slightly.

"Don't question. Just do it," Mirus said, chiding him with but three simple words.

As far as combat experience and seniority as an Obelisk went, Mirus outshone him - Kanis couldn't question someone who had fought on so many battlefields too. If that was what Mirus wanted, then it was a thorough asskicking that he was going to receive. It was perhaps a little against his morality to fight a man who was going to give up that easily when he was relishing the challenge, but then again, beating the snot out of someone was great too and he could definitely make this a great story back home.

Kanis' focused face turned into a predator's smirk. Well, if he wanted it, he'd just have to do it.

Immediately the young Obelisk launched in with his lightsaber, the lion-pommeled blade flashing through the air in a vicious series of two-handed swings. Mirus drew his saber high and the two fought, equally matched to begin with as Kanis kept his strikes precise and measured, aiming for different parts of the body - slash, thrust, parry, driving Mirus further back and back with every single step that Kanis refused to give ground on. It was a focused fury that drove Da'uul onwards, battering back the Titan with every slash.

"Come on! You're not even a challenge!" Kanis taunted - and then he drew the Force into himself, letting it explode through every vein as he let the anguish of an opponent refusing to give him the fight he deserved push him, turning the dials to 11 on every setting in his body.

The saber swings became savage now, driven only by the desire to crush Mirus beneath the heel of his boot. The flying sparks cast by the clash of blades as the Titan fought desperately to keep himself going were the only sign that there was resistance - token as his defences were, there was still that deep-seated need to put on a good show for the onlookers. Such being the case, Mirus pressed against the young man's guard, their strength playing directly against one another - and finally Mirus found purchase against his foe's blade as he pushed his enemy back slightly through the Force, knocking him away momentarily to follow up with a charge.

The dance began again.

Every time Mirus stepped left, Kanis would swing right, blocking the Titan from every move he had like he could read the bulky warrior as if he were an open book. Skill and practise versus the preternatural sense that was the Force was on display here and Kanis' skill edged him out in that moment. Every so often Kanis would gift himself with a burst of speed to keep the Titan on the back foot, to confuse and confound as he approached from new angles. It was too much, when he was not trying his hardest. Mirus was willingly losing.

As the Mandalorian dashed right to come around the Titan's right side, Mirus could see where he was about to go and what he was about to do, coming in with a quick horizontal slash. Kanis' blade was flying through the air and the Force screamed at him, telling him to move, get out of the way - and yet Mirus raised his blade a little higher instead, allowing Kanis' weapon to slip under his guard and catch across his skin. One touch seared his right thigh. The next thrust gashed across his left arm and the third on his right thigh. Were it a perfectly committed strike aimed to kill from the expert lightsaber duelist that the youth was, then it would have been a perfect mou kei - the removal of all four limbs of the opponent, removing any ability to fight back. It was only the nature of their duel that the Mandalorian had not just brutally ended Mirus' combat career for the rest of his life.

The three burn marks seared like nothing else, like three suns blossoming to life across his arms and legs. Mirus crumpled instantly as the blade touched skin three times, collapsing to his knees as his body refused to fight any longer. Only the fact that he was incredibly resilient and a liberal application of the Force to push through the pain spared him from falling unconscious. His saber clattered to the floor inactive, the teal energy blade dying away like the final notes of a beautiful sonata. Unholy blue eyes looked up at Kanis as the youth raised his blade higher, ready to decapitate Mirus and end the man's life in that single moment with a single precisely savage swing of his sword-

Then, in the next moment, the world was consumed by darkness.

Voices cried out as the unnatural spread of thick black fog consumed the cantina, Mirus scooping his saber up through the Force and pushing his ability to ignore pain to the maximum. Kanis leaned down to offer his fellow Shadow Gate member a hand, helping the Titan to his feet as he regathered his senses. Every step, even to stand, was followed with a wince; being seared by a plasma blade was not the best way to spend a day. But he had to push through. They had to escape, now, before Taldryan realised what was going on. However, Kanis was not going to leave Mirus behind here. With an arm wrapped around the heavier man's shoulders while his adrenaline-fueled anger subsided, he helped Mirus limp away. Drinks were shattering and people were screaming, letting the chaos consume Spanky's as their fled out the door.

The agents of Taldryan were fully expecting to see the victorious Da'uul standing over the beheaded corpse of Mirus Hi'ija - but when the darkness subsided, there was nothing. In the corner, an operative crushed his recorder out of rage - the Arconans had managed to escape. Damn them. This would not be a good report.

For the Arconans, though, a tall tale of Kanis destroying Mirus in combat to be told to shame the Titan would be a wonderful story over drinks after a successful mission.