Knight Adem Bol'era vs. Knight Aul Celsus

Knight Adem Bol'era

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Arcona
Male Umbaran, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Knight Aul Celsus

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Consular
Comment

This... is a tight match. There is no other way to describe it. You both are very strong, and both show an understanding of the system that have very few cracks.

You can see the remarks I've put in regarding the major points of contention, but the story is what I want to bring into focus as this is what was the discerning factor in this match. By all rights, you both deserve a 4 in terms of the Story presented. You both did things extremely well that showed you were paying attention to the sheets and the character behind the sheet.

The big divergent point came with the final posts. While Aul recognized that bringing an Akul to play, in any way, was a desired goal of Adem (as had been displayed up to that point), it was Adem's final post that deviated the most from this. It took a sudden shift towards a scenario of teamwork and trust that had no prior basis within the writing. It was jarring and a complete shift in tone and expectations that wasn't even a "what a twist" moment, but rather a disappointing departure from the demonstrated intentions. This is what brought the score down in this category for Adem, and resulted in the minuscule 0.05 point spread difference in this match.

That point total points to Knight Aul Celsus as the winner of the match.

You are both amazingly talented writers, even as new to the ACC as you both are, and I look forward to what is to come in the future.

Hall Journeyman Tourney [2016]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Adem Bol'era, Knight Aul Celsus
Winner Knight Aul Celsus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Adem Bol'era's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Aul Celsus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 14 May, 2016 9:42 PM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Adem Bol'era Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Issues with sentence structure mostly, and some repetition. Review the comments to see. Rationale: Issues with sentence structure mostly, and some repetition and misplaced words. Review the comments to see.
Story - 40%
Adem Bol'era Aul Celsus
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You demonstrated a strong story, but the complete shift between your first and final posts is what hurt you the most. You crafted a wonderful understanding of the character's at play, but put significant effort into setting up Adem to using the Akul against Aul... and then they work together to get out of it? It just makes no sense story wise. There is no inclination for them to work together, and the actions worked counter to the goal you had set up for Adem. Rationale: Really good use of characters and telling a complete story. It feels like there is so much more going on beyond the singular fight. There is motivations and history influencing this single moment in time and beyond. Your characters didn't convey as much emotional weight upon the reader as they could have, making it a semi-detached experience without a feeling towards the characters. This could have helped you to a higher score.
Realism - 25%
Adem Bol'era Aul Celsus
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Please look over my comments pertaining to Realism and revisit the Force Power wiki page to understand the criteria of the rankings. Rationale: Please look over my comments pertaining to Realism and revisit the Force Power wiki page to understand the criteria of the rankings.
Continuity - 20%
Adem Bol'era Aul Celsus
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that were apparent to upon review. Rationale: You disregarded the damage to your character in the final post, with no instance of healing to explain it.
Adem Bol'era's Score: 3.8 Aul Celsus's Score: 3.85
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, bipedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

Aul Celsus crawled out from under his camouflaged lean-to and walked to the edge of the short cliff he had chosen to call his home for the night. With fierce determination set in his eyes, the Sadowan gazed out upon the open expanse of the Shili savannah. He slowly breathed in the brisk, early morning air as he examined the terrain stretched out before him. A slight breeze drifted across the landscape and Aul found himself appreciating the dazzling sea of Turu-grass that spanned before him, as it sparkled in shades of red and white. Things were quickly changing for the scholar from Coruscant, and as he had grown more accustomed to this life of a warrior Aul began to feel that each morning might be his last; he was determined to cherish each and every one.

Celsus chuckled to himself in disbelief. He was unable to shake the thought that this ‘game’ the Grandmaster had thrown the Journeymen into was only for his own, sick pleasure.

How is death a game? What a waste of life...

Making his way back to his gear, the Sadowan lowered himself into a seated position, and tucked his feet under him as he rested his hands in his lap. Once settled, he began to focus on slowing his breathing. He closed his eyes and tried to open his mind. He reached out into the Force, feeling the connections with the organisms around him. Songbirds were perched in the highest branches of the ancient tree nearby; a small pride of Akul were hunting in the shallow valley below; a snake determinedly coiled around its morning meal. As he continued to trace the delicate, crystalline mesh of the Force in his mind’s eye, he noticed a subtle jitter disturb its peaceful perfect. Initial passing it off as a prey animal succumbing to its predator, the next jolt was distinctly sharper, purposeful.

Aul’s eyes snapped open. He hurriedly took cover under his camouflaged shelter just as a holo-drone whizzed by overhead, sending the nearby birds off in a wave of surprise. The Sadowan kept his sights on the craft as it steadily flew out over the savannah and then suddenly stopped, hovering in mid-air about two hundred meters from the edge of the cliff. The Knight stayed low and, crawling on all fours beneath the cover of the tall grass, made his way to the edge of the precipice. Staring out upon the field of red and white, he spotted a dark-garbed person moving quickly in his direction, the drone silently in pursuit.

As the unidentified person closed in on his location, Aul could make out very light skin beneath the dark hood. The pale figure stopped just short of the cliff leading up to him as he dramatically threw back his hood and tore aside his equally dark cape.

“The human must be near, I can feel his presence,” Celsus heard an overly enunciated voice call out a few dozen meters below. “He cannot hide from Arconan Knight Adem Bol’era!”

It was at this point Aul recognized who the figure was; the Umbaran from Clan Arcona, a favorite to win the tournament. Aul scurried back from the edge of the cliff and quickly scaled the nearby tree. He focused again on slowing his breathing and heartrate so as to not disturb the branches of the tree once he reached a sufficiently hidden spot.

The Umbaran scaled the short cliff face with remarkable grace, finally landing after he kicked off with a show-stopping backflip while shooting a smoldering glance at the holo-drone now hovering just a few meters away from Aul.

Adem paced the now abandoned campsite, kicking over the lean-to and laughing. “The coward must have fled! I knew it was a load of lies that this human was a warrior; he’s nothing but a book-loving sissy,” the Umbaran announced confidently. He walked a few meters away from the tree shrouding Aul’s presence, but came to an abrupt halt. “Unless…”

With a swift flourish, Adem ignited the yellow blade of his lightsaber and hurled it directly in the Sadowan’s direction. With only millimeters of clearance, Celsus dropped from the tree and the blade sizzled its way through the branch behind where the his head had previously been before finally returning to its owners outstretched hand. Aul landed with a heavy thud but, trying to ignore the shock of his landing, stood quickly as he ignited his own light blue blade.

“You put on a good show, Bol’era,” Aul called out to the Umbaran. Exuding patience and confidence in his movements, the human Knight shifted his left foot forward, as he outstretched his left palm and shifted his lightsaber blade into position above his head, parallel to the ground with his right arm. Aul turned his left palm inwards and curtly beckoned his opponent.

“I aim to please,” the Arconan replied as he surged towards his target.

Darth Renatus, 15 May, 2016 2:36 PM UTC

Syntax

A slight breeze drifted across the landscape and Aul found himself appreciating the dazzling sea of Turu-grass that spanned before him, as it sparkled in shades of red and white

The comma here is unnecessary and actually hurts your flow.

He was unable to shake the thought that this ‘game’ the Grandmaster had thrown the Journeymen into was only for his own, sick pleasure.

Another unnecessary comma.

he noticed a subtle jitter disturb its peaceful perfect.

This is a bit awkward due to your use of 'perfect' as a noun. In its noun form, it refers to the "perfect tense" which I don't see applying here.

Initial passing it off as a prey animal succumbing to its predator, the next jolt was distinctly sharper, purposeful.

Should be "Initially".

He focused again on slowing his breathing and heartrate so as to not disturb the branches of the tree once he reached a sufficiently hidden spot.

"Heartrate" should be two words.

Celsus dropped from the tree and the blade sizzled its way through the branch behind where the his head had previously been before finally returning to its owners outstretched hand.

"the" doesn't belong in "behind where the his head".

Exuding patience and confidence in his movements, the human Knight shifted his left foot forward, as he outstretched his left palm and shifted his lightsaber blade into position above his head, parallel to the ground with his right arm.

This whole sentence runs on longer than it should. The comma between "forward" and "as" doesn't need to be there either.

Story

This was really well done in setting up the 'story' of the conflict, as well as showing the persona of each character. It shows you've been paying attention to the previous matches as well, demonstrating Adem putting on a show for the cameras. The biggest shortcoming would be that only one actual exchange of combat occurred. You had room to play with in your word count and could have influenced the action a bit more in your writing.

His cloak discarded, Adem could finally breathe in the oppressive heat. He closed on Aul and swung at his shoulder from a low angle. The Human shunted the strike aside without his feet so much as budging from their spot in the blood-tinted grass. Adem shifted backwards and tried again. His mostly-empty stomach twisted as his flurry of blows slid off his opponent’s nigh-impregnable defense like rain off a mountainside.

The Umbaran withdrew to think. Through sensitive eyes squinting in the cruel sun, Adem recognized the Sadowan’s stance. Of course he would encounter a Soresu stylist on this day of miserable days. It was like fighting a rock that could turn into the wind and back at a moment’s notice, and most people who tried to attack either of those two things ended up exhausted and looking very silly. It was Adem’s least favorite form, because it countered his own, and he knew he was likely doomed to lose in a battle of attrition on the savannah.

“What’s wrong?” the Sadowan asked in an insufferably calm tone, “Can’t deal with a ‘book-loving sissy’?” Adem’s act was weak — he couldn’t play like this. It was like being asked to perform on a sun-scorched stage covered with mirrors with one’s eyelids pinned back.

“Here, bookworm, study my foot when I break it off in your mouth.” Adem knew he seemed a petulant child to his audience at this point, but he didn’t care anymore. All that remained before being outclassed as a swordsman was attempting to anger Aul, hopefully causing him to make a mistake.

Using the momentum of yet another deflected strike, Adem vaulted into the air, spinning away from his opponent, who watched him with an analytical, curious eye. Temper flashing, the Umbaran sneered and turned his back on the Human in a show of defiant pique, proceeding to ravage his opponent’s living quarters. He kicked over cooking implements and thoroughly ruined breakfast. The Sadowan observed, more puzzled than he was angered by the display.

“Having fun, are we?” Aul quipped after an awkward silence. How dare he have the better lines?

“I’m hot, I can hardly see, this damn drone won’t leave me alone, I need a shower so badly the Akul can probably smell me from the opposite hemisphere, and you get to play the comedian? I’m having a frakking ball.” Adem spat, now merely venting. To act further was fruitless. Aul wasn’t emotionally invested in the battle, and seemed more interested in poking his opponent to analyze his reactions than in creating any drama.

“Getting things over with seems the humane thing to do.” Aul said. He lifted a hand, and seconds later light bloomed from Aul’s palm. The flash pierced the Umbaran’s photosensitive eyes, and he staggered backward across the plateau with a cry. He didn’t even notice himself tumbling beyond the edge over the din of his migraine.

Adem crashed onto his left side, and couldn’t decide whether this new pain was worse than his half-blindness. The Arconan struggled to stand, blinking to thinly perceive a hazy field of red and white, and tried to numb the pain with the Force. There was no time. He needed to move.

Adem grit his teeth, let the Force resonate through his beleaguered bones, and ran as fast and far as he possibly could. For every moment he felt his borrowed power fade, he summoned it again, until it would come no more and his strength dissipated.

Finally, he collapsed in the shade of a tree. At least he’d managed to create some distance, however predictable his path was. After a few moments of resting his eyes, Adem rolled onto his back, sunk his fingertips into the dry soil, and took deep breaths as he momentarily joined himself to the Living Force. He pulled energy from the grass, nearby birds, and even a snake creeping up on him in the foliage. While Adem’s strength had partially returned, he knew he couldn’t beat Aul directly in his state. Perhaps something else could?

The Umbaran numbed his battered body as best he could, and adjusted his temperature to be slightly more comfortable. To help his skin breathe, Adem removed the bodysuit shirt and hung it to stink on the tree. He set to work killing whatever nearby animals he could find, holding them still in his telekinetic grip and swiftly ending them with his lightsaber. After several minutes, a small group of birds, snakes, and rodents lay in a pile near the tree. It pained and tired him to feel their lives snuffed out of the galaxy one by one, but he needed the props. Their bodies smoldered when Adem skewered them in hopes of the blade creating the scent of burning meat. His lure brought man before monster.

“Pardon me, it seems you dropped something,” Aul called from behind. Adem grimaced and turned to face the Sadowan, the Arconan’s cloak draped across his shoulder. Adem’s humiliation was complete, now tracked through the Force by his sweaty clothes.

“Seems we’re two of a kind. Fancy talking shop?” the Umbaran asked hopefully.

“Given your earlier display, and your twisted art installation here, I doubt we have much beyond dowsing in common,” Aul replied. “Why waste your life, and much life besides, on the Grand Master’s games?”

The Umbaran shrugged. “The show must go on. It’s all I have.”

“What an odd specimen you are. Very well. Ready?”

“Age before beauty.”

Their thumbs rubbed activation switches, itching for the other to move. A third party broke the stalemate with rustling noises in the grass, and a low growl. Adem silently wished he’d managed to climb into the tree for this part. Both of the Jedi’s gazes met, and for a change they were agreed on what to say.

Akul! Frak!

Darth Renatus, 15 May, 2016 2:51 PM UTC

Syntax

His cloak discarded, Adem could finally breathe in the oppressive heat.

Sentence flow here is awkward, would have been better served if you began it as "With his cloak discarded, [...]".

Using the momentum of yet another deflected strike, Adem vaulted into the air, spinning away from his opponent, who watched him with an analytical, curious eye.

Red flag on the play, excessive reliance on commas. This can interrupt the flow of your writing and leave the reader scratching their head in a "what's going on now?" manner. You could have broken this apart into two sentences, or alternative word usage to create less comma splicing.

Adem crashed onto his left side, and couldn’t decide whether this new pain was worse than his half-blindness.

There is no need for the comma here.

Story

After a few moments of resting his eyes, Adem rolled onto his back, sunk his fingertips into the dry soil, and took deep breaths as he momentarily joined himself to the Living Force. He pulled energy from the grass, nearby birds, and even a snake creeping up on him in the foliage.

Good application of your Discipline's unique Force Feats.

Both of the Jedi’s gazes met, and for a change they were agreed on what to say.

“Akul! Frak!”

It seems odd that Adem would have this reaction, considering that was the whole point of his efforts. I get him trying to play a part, but you made it obvious in this post that he has given up on the act.

The Akul moved smoothly through the blades of delicate Turu-grass, announcing its presence with a deafening roar. Bright, blazing orange fur barely concealed its massive muscles. The beast’s piercing gaze sent chills down the combatants’ spines.

“Whoa there, nice kitty…” Aul soothingly spoke towards the muscled mass of fur, tooth and claw staring him down. The human was displaying both his palms, hoping to appear non-threatening to the predator.

“You idiot, you’re going to get us killed with your lightsaber out like that,” spat the Umbaran without taking his eyes off the Akul.

“Ah, right,” Aul agreed and dropped his lightsaber, the ignition dying as it hit the ground. Alarmed by the sudden motion, the Akul hissed and made a sudden swipe at the human. Quickly summoning what energies he could, Aul leapt backwards, narrowly avoiding disembowelment.

The Akul was unphased about missing its target; apparently patience was within the budget for this meal. The beast made its way towards the pile of partially charred animals and sat quietly, facing towards the petrified pair of Grey Jedi. It began to quietly chew on a blackened rodent.

“I don’t get it, what’s going on?” the Umbaran blurted out in hushed exasperation after a moment of tense silence.

“The Akul can be surprisingly intelligent. It seems to be playing with us; must not be hurting for food. We should run; we stand a better chance against each other than this monster. At least one of us would survive,” Aul morbidly replied.

The swordsmen slowly backed away to put distance between them and their attendant, hoping for a small head-start to a sprint for safety. Barely audible above the sound of their feet crunching on dried grass and the Akul’s plentiful salivation, Aul detected the sound of a camera lens refocusing. The human realized his lightsaber was ten meters away, blocked by an Umbaran with a devilish smirk spreading across his face.

“I must confess, my favorite part of a drama was always the third Act; nothing beats a good, bloody climax,” Adem taunted with a tinge of delight. The Arconan deftly twirled his still-activated blade and revelled in the wide-eyed realization growing on the Sadowan’s face.

Aul reached for the DC-17 on the back of his belt only to find the holster empty. His vibroblade was missing as well. In a moment of clarity, Celsus became aware that only he and Bol’era were there; the Akul had vanished, and the small pile of animals remained untouched. Cruel laughter disrupted his thoughts.

“For such a learned fellow, you certainly turned out to be the village idiot,” Adem snickered. Aul’s confiscated weapons dropped with a thud and a clang at the feet of his opponent and were quickly destroyed by the glowing yellow energy of the Arconan’s blade. “And now, for my triumph.”

Adem breathed deep, still twirling his lightsaber in a showy taunt. Suddenly, the Arconan cleared the space between him and the Sadowan, blade searing through the air. Aul reactively leapt back, but too slow to keep clear. The human groaned in agony as Adem’s lightsaber sizzled through his shoulder muscle, leaving a deep, burnt track reeking of crisped flesh. Aul suppressed the pain to avoid losing focus on his attacker and rolled towards his lightsaber. Adem pursued his target, elaborately brandishing his blade to try and catch Aul once more.

As the human came out of his roll, he felt compelled to stay low and dove forward, flattening out onto the grass, his weapon still a couple of meters out of reach. Not expecting the sudden change in trajectory, Adem overcompensated and tumbled into the dry grass. The Umbaran hastened to his feet, but was caught by a powerful knee strike driving into his ribcage. The Arconan fell to the ground and coughed deeply, spraying the Turu-grass with bright blood. Before he could regain his composure Aul was upon him, delivering two heavy strikes to the Umbaran’s delicate face leaving deep, bloody gashes under his eyes.

The Arconan covered his face with his wiry hands. “My face! I can’t be seen like this!” Adem wailed loudly, disturbing some birds in a nearby tree.

“It’ll heal, quit whining,” Aul groaned as he picked up Adem’s lightsaber, which had rolled a short distance away. “You’ll have bigger problems if you keep making that much noise with the Akul prides nearby. As if our wounds weren’t big enough beacons.”

“Just finish me off,” muttered the Arconan as he sat up, his head hung in shame.

The scene was interrupted by rustling and a low growl from a nearby cluster of tall grass. “You really think you can get me like that again? I’m on to your games, showman,” Aul snarled as he bent down and retrieved his own lightsaber.

“No, really, that’s not me this time. I beg you, my lightsaber. I won’t betray you, but I don’t want to become an Akul’s meal,” pleaded the diminutive Umbaran, his face painted with terror.

“See, you do have jokes--” before Aul could finish his mocking reply, a massive Akul bounded out of the grass towards the Sadowan. Adrenaline flushed from his victory, the human refused to back down. Celsus held both hands aloft, pooled the living energies surrounding them into his palms and released an intense, white flash in the Akul’s face. The beast disorientingly wobbled and whimpered. Its pain was brief, however, as Aul’s blade severed its head, which heavily fell to the ground beside its limp body.

“This carcass will attract others. No weapons, but you can run for it. Clear?” Aul shot at the Umbaran.

“Really?” Adem replied quizzically.

“I won’t kill for the Grandmaster’s pleasure, but the show must go on, right?” Celsus returned.

“Yes, the show must go on.”

The two shared a respectful nod, gathered the surrounding Force, and sprinted off in opposite directions.

Darth Renatus, 15 May, 2016 3:04 PM UTC

Syntax

Alarmed by the sudden motion, the Akul hissed and made a sudden swipe at the human.

Repetition in the form of "sudden".

Quickly summoning what energies he could, Aul leapt backwards, narrowly avoiding disembowelment.

Leading comma is unnecessary.

Story

Aul reached for the DC-17 on the back of his belt only to find the holster empty. His vibroblade was missing as well. In a moment of clarity, Celsus became aware that only he and Bol’era were there; the Akul had vanished, and the small pile of animals remained untouched. Cruel laughter disrupted his thoughts.

This section is both a boon and a failing for you. As it is never mentioned what the state of your other weapons are, it doesn't fall on continuity but you leave your reader wondering what happened to them. Beyond that, great use of the strengths of your opponent's sheet.

Aul’s confiscated weapons dropped with a thud and a clang at the feet of his opponent

See above. When and how? Don't leave your reader with questions that don't make sense in the context of the story.

Realism

Aul suppressed the pain to avoid losing focus on his attacker and rolled towards his lightsaber.

You have +1 in Control Self, and +3 in Healing. With the wording of suppressed, it shows you leaning on the former over the latter. At that point, it would take intense concentration to dull the pain.

Celsus held both hands aloft, pooled the living energies surrounding them into his palms and released an intense, white flash in the Akul’s face.

Another case of using powers at +1 in an unrealistic way. It takes several seconds at that rank, and full concentration, to create the flash. That time period isn't displayed here.

Continuity

Your writing in the latter half completely ignores the damage from the saber strike to your shoulder without explaining any attempt at healing it.

The pair of Jedi dove away from the carrion pile to avoid the Akul surging towards them and scurried into the grass like field mice. The massive orange predator single-mindedly focused on its easy meal, but it wouldn’t last long.

“Well, this complicates matters,” Aul said, his voice low.

“Not helping,” Adem replied, his eyes shut to soothe them for another moment.

“I do have a hypothesis, provided you don’t mind your script being altered.”

The Arconan considered for a moment. “Improvisation works, I’m all ears.”

“Good, because I’m reasonably certain you won’t like this idea at all. Groups of Togruta hunt these creatures as a rite of passage. I suggest we trade weapons—”

“Trade what?”

“Our lightsabers. The sympathetic link is exceptionally strong, which makes tracking one another easy. Anyway, we’ll take turns fleeing the Akul. One of us moves at a resting pace and tracks the other in the grass via his weapon, intercepting the runner’s path and attacking the distracted animal, at which point we trade off. Do we have an understanding?” The Human held out his lightsaber hilt. Adem hesitantly nodded and offered his weapon in turn, too tired to be snide. He felt Aul’s weapon drop into his hand, while the Umbaran’s own left his fingers.

The Sadowan stood and drew his blaster. “I’ll go first, so you can recover. Be ready soon, I’ll have to run very hard.” he said. Adem took off into the grass, and heard the chirp of blaster fire followed shortly after by a very angry growl. He did his best to keep his pace effective yet relaxed, but the Arconan knew he wasn’t going to be able to move as swiftly and efficiently as he could in better conditions. The grass tickled and grazed his flesh just above his navel, pricking it occasionally and further reddening a few blades. He figured he had one more hard sprint left in him before he would be on the verge of collapse again.

Half a minute had passed, it would soon be Adem’s turn. He intensely focused his mind on linking the lightsaber back to Aul, and he probed the Force to find their connection. He ran his fingers over ridges he found so ugly, critiquing the hilt as he tracked Aul. Foggy images of a man followed closely by an orange hulk drifted across Adem’s thoughts. He imagined the lightsaber being magnetically pulled back to Aul and followed its tug as it grew stronger. Fortunately for Adem’s lagging body, the Human was close. He heard the grass violently rustle and through his squinted eyes, he barely made out the Akul first, with Aul precariously few meters ahead.

“I never expected to be pleased to see you! ” Aul breathlessly called, guiding the vicious predator the Umbaran’s way. Adem snapped the lightsaber to life, its blue blade eagerly humming as it waited to return to its master.

“Go for the eyes!” the Sadowan shouted. Adem picked up speed, though his lungs screamed for relief. He gulped down a breath, and braced his legs with the Force for a hard run. He dashed forward, aiming to meet the Akul at an angle. Adem’s amplified leap carried him over the predator’s head and he raked its right eye and forehead with the lightsaber as he passed over it. The Akul recoiled violently, swinging its head in pain and knocking the exhausted trouper away before he could land safely.

His left side crashed against the grass and exploded with pain. The Arconan was almost certain that some of his ribs had broken this time. He’d successfully drawn the Akul’s ire, but he would run no more. The beast furiously bore down on him, its wounded eye still smoldering. The remaining eye, a beady little gem filled with bloodlust, was trained on the prone Umbaran.

That was the moment that Adem wearily raised a hand. He struggled to breathe, his arm tremoring slightly. This sensation was horror to him, recalling the exact moment it destroyed his life, but it would preserve him. He clung to every particle he could find of fear, desperation, and pain in the fog of survival instinct swirling in his head, and he channeled them all. Adem felt energy crackle down his arm and dance across his knuckles, then bolts of blue fury arced from his fingertips to the Akul’s body. The creature whimpered for the brief moment the torrent lasted, its body convulsing with the electrical shock. One of its seizing legs batted Adem several meters away before the Akul almost collapsed, stunned by this pain it could not begin to understand.

Aul claimed his opportunity to kill the wounded creature, stabbing it through the head on its blinded side with Adem’s weapon. It slumped to the ground unceremoniously.

“Pity,” Aul panted, “I’d hoped to study the brain as well.” He remembered his partner after a few moments and surveyed the grass for a few moments to find the Umbaran’s limp body. His white flesh scratched all over, he nearly blended in with the foliage. Aul placed a finger on the unconscious trouper’s throat, the doctor’s brow furrowing when he did not feel a pulse after a few seconds. However, after half a minute, he smirked a little when he felt the tiniest of vibrations in the vein.

“Hibernation trance,” Aul said to himself, “clever boy. He’ll incur no more damage this way.” The holodrone from earlier had followed the Jedi all this time, and hovered above them like a carrion bird eager for death. The Sadowan slung Adem’s unconscious body over his shoulder and shook his head at the drone. “Too much life wasted today, no more. At least I have two specimens for study.”

Darth Renatus, 15 May, 2016 3:21 PM UTC

Syntax

He heard the grass violently rustle and through his squinted eyes, he barely made out the Akul first, with Aul precariously few meters ahead.

Trailing comma is unnecessary.

He remembered his partner after a few moments and surveyed the grass for a few moments to find the Umbaran’s limp body.

Repetition through the use of "a few moments".

His white flesh scratched all over, he nearly blended in with the foliage

Same awkward sentence structure from your opening post. Would be better suited beginning as "With his [...]".

Story

While well written for the most part, this entire post is a major departure from your previously written intentions. The Akul attack was very much an intentional occurrence by Adem, intended to take on Aul so he wouldn't have to. Yet, the topic of this post is the pair banding together to face this predator as a unified front? This makes absolutely no sense story wise. There was no build up to the pair working together, or that it was even possible, and there is no reason as a reader for me to believe that they would work together (or that Aul would trust Adem at all... or that Adem wouldn't just leave Aul to his fate if he was dumb enough to trust him).

This really hurt your overall story, and brought it down from what it could be by breaking the flow and expectations you both had forged up till this post.

Realism

He clung to every particle he could find of fear, desperation, and pain in the fog of survival instinct swirling in his head, and he channeled them all.

At +1, Force Lightning requires several second and "powerful immediate emotional stimulus to harness". Rage is the most common emotion attributed to it, though fear could lead to it. It also requires significant concentration. Due to the circumstances depicted here, I don't see those requirements being met. Nor do I think he would have the time to summon it with the beast charging him.

He’ll incur no more damage this way.”

Not going to ding you as a major detractor, but this doesn't depict the purpose of the hibernation trance. It is used to stave off the need for food, water, and other necessities for life. This wouldn't help him stave off damage. Aul could kick him and break a few ribs for instance.