Savant Lexiconus Qor vs. Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Savant Lexiconus Qor

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Force Disciple, Techweaver
vs.

Vanguard Turel Sorenn

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Seeker, Sentinel
Comment

Thank you for being patient in this grading. Please refer to your in-flight pamphlets for emergency information. I don't do that; I'm not an airline attendant.

Lexic, you had a strong start on your first post, even with all of the detractors in the notes section. What was lacking was improvement. Your errors were consistently repeated in each post, creating an overall difficult reading experience. My biggest recommendation is to pay closer attention to your story, including setting, and look for gaps. As one of the greatest problems with your story, this is something that having a second set of eyes would help most with, since you already have the image you want in your head, which can create mental "negative space" that you won't notice as easily as someone else. I would also recommend having several DJB Wiki tabs open in order to rectify your misuse of some elements, such as lightsaber combat forms.

Turel, your posts were — for the most part — strong and easy to read, and created an entertaining experience that filled in gaps that the venue did not provide for the story. The greatest issue I found was in your second post where, as stated in the notes, you seemed to "phone it in" on your writing quality toward the second half. To that end, please take what is noted there to heart, as that was the only great story detractor as I saw it. With a few minor Syntax errors, the only other advice I might give is to grab another decent writer had have them proof your posts for that flawless victory.

With all commentary concluded, I declare Turel victor by points. Thank you for flying Air Q, and we hope to see you again in the future.

Hall 'Guests' of the Matron [2016]
Messages 6 out of 6
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition 'Guests' of the Matron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Lexiconus Qor, Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Winner Vanguard Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Vanguard Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: The Gauntlet
Last Post 28 November, 2016 1:23 AM UTC
Syntax - 15%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: A few minor instances appeared, but nothing of particular extremity. See notes for further detail. Rationale: Repeated errors with capitalization and punctuation, especially with transitions between dialogue and narration. See notes for further detail.
Story - 40%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Few detractors coupled with good background and scene building. Only distracting issue present in second post. See notes for further detail. Rationale: The technical development of the plot was present, but there were repeated holes in the narrative and several discrepancies in the logic presented by the characters. See notes for further detail.
Realism - 25%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Few detractors, all of which involved more nuanced elements than adherence to CSes or other such material. See notes for further detail. Rationale: Multiple detractors present throughout, both major and minor. Did not completely break suspension of disbelief, but only just. See notes for further detail.
Continuity - 20%
Champion Rajhin Cindertail Qor Kith
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No errors present or otherwise noted. Rationale: Several minor errors present. See notes for further detail.
Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.35 Qor Kith's Score: 2.6
Posts

Matron_TheGauntlet

The Godless Matron was once a Trade Federation battleship, crewed by countless droid workers. Since then, many sections of the ship have fallen into disrepair due to the sheer amount of manpower involved in its maintenance. As a result, parts of the central sphere of the Lucrehulk-class battleship has been left to the ravages of time and the scars of the Clone War itself.

The crew has come to refer to this section of the Matron as The Gauntlet, largely due to the danger it represents. Located in the lower regions of the command sphere, it is a crosshatched network of ruined and damaged hallways, repair bays, and even crew quarters. While most power has been shut off to this section — save for critical systems such as life support — the systems and circuitry still require occasional maintenance in order to keep the entire framework operational. Such tech runs have become a matter of betting amongst the crew, earning it the nickname: running the gauntlet.

Matron_HangarZerek

A heavy layer of dust sits mostly undisturbed along the debris of the halls, save for the footprints of the few crew that have tread the path before. These previously walked paths are a safety net for those who venture into The Gauntlet unknowingly. It is also thought that the remaining Separatist forces staged a last ditch defense within this area of the ship, and did so by any means necessary. Many traps, ranging from explosives to spring-loaded mechanisms, are littered throughout the untravelled pathways — or even still undisturbed within the known sections. Further still, malfunctioning B1 droids and even semi-active Spy Drones remain, ready to ambush the unsuspecting observer and adding to the dangers of the dark, debris filled tomb The Gauntlet has become.

Countless perils awaited those who ventured into the furthest depths of the Gauntlet. This fact was known to the crew of the Godless Matron better than most. There was opportunity, however, when the right circumstances presented themselves. The Herald had offered safe passage and not an entirely small sum of credits to whomsoever managed to 'run the Gauntlet' successfully. The proof of such a feat lay deep within the labyrinthine halls themselves, with a banner bearing the Herald's crest waiting to be claimed.

The risks of the Gauntlet alone were enough to dissuade most, but the crew of the Godless Matron had insured that the ante, so to speak, was to be raised. Those who entered the Gauntlet would do so from varying access points, and all would gain entry at the same designated intervals until the prize was claimed.

“Alright Lex, you can do this,” The Quarren sighed, his hand slid and guided him across the cold durasteel of the wall. “You’ve done this many times. Watch the holes, find Sorenn’s banner and get out.” He continued with a bravery that would match a hero entering a Krayt Dragon’s cave. Lexiconus had read about the Gauntlet before, but only in the briefing from the Captain and First Mate’s messages. The figures of how many crew and travellers died down here were sketchy and didn’t match, maybe they were covering something. Lexiconus dropped the problem from his mind and focused on the task of carefully walking through this rickety hallway. Each careful step he took, the metal beneath his feet shook and trembled, sending creaking vibrations across the hallway.

“Perhaps I can find a body with a map.” He wondered, it was a bold suggestion, but from the looks of the place, anything that survived the murder and bloodshed was dropped into the void of space. After carefully stepping and hugging the wall, Lexiconus made it across the treacherous drop and faced three paths; east, north and west. The Savant scanned the dusty floors and walls, he saw a large scuffling of feet leading east, while only singular tracks led north and no one took the west path. Peering down the west corridor Lexiconus could see why, with flames bursting from the walls, cargo boxes floating in mid-air and a beautiful view of space from where, according to an aurebesh sign, a docking bay should be.

“Judging from the path adventurers before have took, and the immediate signs of danger, I’ll just take the north path and see where I go.” He concluded with a smile, turning off and stepping in the footsteps of others. Venturing down the cold and dark corridor, following the dusty steps of his predecessors, he quickly found the reason why so few people took this path. Trap doors in the curve of the floor, small silvery lumps that flashed red, and a corpse lay in the darkness that wasn’t quite humanoid. It looked similar to the bulky torso of a B1 unit droid.

“Hm, perhaps the east path was best, after all.” Lexiconus assures himself and slowly turns around, retracing the clean footprints through the dust. The Savant decides to bring up his notes on the Gauntlet, skimming the necessary information. As he haphazardly turned the corner without looking, his head went straight into the chest of another, stumbling him. He looked up to find some sort of pistol cocked and pointed straight at his forehead, and the face of a very frustrated but calm Human.

“Less talk, more action, squid. Empty the pockets, throw it on the ground, toss that lovely lightsaber of yours and then we can talk about why you’re here.” He said with a strong conviction. The Quarren immediately did as he said and quickly dropped what he owned, throwing the saber staff onto the ground near his feet. Lexiconus raised his hands in surrender and watching as the Human scanned the objects.

“You will die if you do not cooperate.” He said with a wave of his hand. The Force penetrated and invaded Lexiconus’ mind, urging him to co-operate and to re-iterate the command given. The Savant furrowed and grumbled, resisting the attempt of mind trickery. Fighting through the stress, Lexiconus growled out and tried his best to push out the mind tricks.

“I will not cooperate! I will not be your pawn!” He shouted out, finally pushing the Human from his mind. The Savant pushed his hands out and the Human was launched into the air, gliding back down the corridor. Lexiconus profited from the split-second, picking up his saberstaff, he made a run for it down the eastern corridor. Red plasma exploded and darted near his feet as the Human fired repeatedly at his moving target.

“Don’t do this, squid. You don’t want to upset the wrong Sorenn.” He shouted with urge.

Sorenn? Isn’t the Captain called Sorenn? Wait, she had a brother, Turel. But he was a Jedi who escaped...That Human had a lightsaber.

Cogs clicked and churned in place as Lexiconus finally saw the mystery behind the maverick Human.

“Turel Sorenn. Leader of the Jedi, huh? Pravus will have your head if he catches you here!” Lexiconus shouted back. “Perhaps we can make a deal!”

Qyreia Arronen, 4 December, 2016 12:05 AM UTC

Syntax

“Perhaps I can find a body with a map.” He wondered, it was a bold suggestion, but[...]

The error with this can be summed up as an improper closing of the quote and continuation into the next sentence. It should read: "Perhaps I can find a body with a map," he wondered. It was a bold[...]

The Savant scanned the dusty floors and walls, he saw a large scuffling of feet[...]

You either need to add some form of preposition at the beginning (as, when, etc.) or change the comma into a period and begin a new sentence at "he saw." As it is, it's both awkward to read an grammatically unsound.

“Judging from the path adventurers before have took[...]

I am unsure if this is just a care of Lexic's speech patterns or a mistake, but if not a speech ism, it should be written as "taken," not "took." There are additional ways this could be improved, but that is the major factor.

“Hm, perhaps the east path was best, after all.” Lexiconus assures himself[...]

As in the first note, you ended the quote with a period when the sentence actually carried on from that point, and so should have been a comma. You also drop the past tense in this and the following sentence, which is a no-no.

Story

He continued with a bravery that would match a hero entering a Krayt Dragon’s cave.

I can see the imagery you're trying to create here, and it's good, but there are better way that you could have written it to describe the scene rather than flat-out touting your character's supposed heroism. For example: He continued forward, his stoic expression reminiscent of heroic images of a warrior walking boldly into a Krayt dragon's den.

[...]Lexiconus made it across the treacherous drop [...]

You made no mention of any sort of drop-off prior to this. This is a case of scenery depiction that never happened, but is written as though it had. If it was supposed to reference the "void of space" in the preceding sentence, it didn't have the desired effect. Choose your setting description carefully and determine what really is and isn't necessary. This is particularly helpful when you have a maximum word count.

[...]and faced three paths; east, north and west.

Like how no one can hear you scream in space, there's also no compass directions; at least not on ships. Front, left, right, starboard, port, fore, aft. These are all terms people can relate to in this sort of setting.

As he haphazardly turned the corner without looking, his head went straight into the chest of another, stumbling him.

"Another" what? He was the only one there last the audience knew. There is a lot you could have said here to elaborate on the situation — Lexic's reaction, where he is in relation to the junction/drop-off, etc. — but you don't really give any details. I also would have been a good opportunity to use Lexic's +3 Sense.

Realism

The figures of how many crew and travellers died down here were sketchy and didn’t match, maybe they were covering something.

I don't know where Lexic got these "figures," but I'd like to see them, since this information is not made available in the venue details, nor is it realistic that Lexic would have innate knowledge of the Matron as described here. Syntax-wise, the comma should also either be changed into a period or semicolon, as the latter clause is independent of the first.

Each careful step he took, the metal beneath his feet shook and trembled, sending creaking vibrations across the hallway.

Especially considering these floors used to be able to carry the weight of large metal battledroids, it is unlikely that Lexic's fifty-three kilograms would cause any sort of flooring to react as described.

The Savant decides to bring up his notes on the Gauntlet, skimming the necessary information.

As previously noted, there is no mention of distributed information about the Gauntlet in the venue details and Lexic is not a regular onboard the Matron, so it is rather implausible that he would have such details to-hand.

“You will die if you do not cooperate.” He said with a wave of his hand.

Yet again, you fail to properly transition from dialogue to narration, but that isn't why this falls under the Realism section. I can tell you're tying to do a Mind Trick display here, but the statement doesn't support a mind-altering state or other command (like "These aren't the droids you're looking for"). Further, this rather crude display isn't in keeping with any of Turel's Aspects and, if anything, is counter to both his Why So Serious? and Let He Who Is Without Sin... Aspects by directly becoming hostile without any provocation.

Red plasma exploded and darted near his feet as the Human fired repeatedly at his moving target.

Read the loadouts. Turel doesn't have a blaster; his pistol is a slugthrower.

Summary

Thankfully this was the first post, so there was little room for Continuity errors. You do a decent job of setting the scene, describing the general situation and at least trying to describe the characters' surroundings. However, there were consistent errors made throughout. Syntax is an easy enough fix; just properly transition from dialogue to narration. Having someone review your post beforehand will help with this. For Story, the common denominator was your lack of description or mention of critical details (ex. the drop-off), while Realism largely revolved around including items like Lexic's pre-established knowledge/notes of the Gauntlet, and ignorance of Turel's loadout.

”A deal? Yeah, sure buddy.”

Turel gave no audible response to the Quarren’s offer of a deal. He continued his pursuit down the dusty and decrepit corridor. Loose wires hung from the ceiling and debris cluttered the path ahead as the Sentinel cautiously moved forward. Danger lurked in every loose bulkhead, wrecked battledroid and pile of rubble. The entire level was a web of traps from both the Clone Wars and more recent additions. It was a miracle they were not sucked into space given the utter state of disrepair this section of the Matron was in. He made a note to jokingly chastise his sister later for her sloppy housekeeping.

The ex-gangster silently cursed himself for so flippantly revealing his identity for the sake of a one-liner. It was a brash and short-sighted decision. He was glad none of his colleagues in the Sentinel Network had been around to witness such a grievous breach of basic tradecraft. Turel had zeroed in on the Quarren when he felt his presence in the Force, taking great care to conceal his own. He had a fairly strong inclination that the Quarren was Lexiconus Qor, a Quaestor in Clan Scholae Palatinae. There weren’t many Quarren in the Brotherhood after all, especially after Pravus’ purge. The Sentinel Network profiles on Scholae Palatinae were woefully incomplete but it was safe to assume one of their senior leaders was not a friend to Odan-Urr’s cause. The capture and field interrogation of a Quaestor presented an invaluable opportunity to gather intelligence. He’d have to make it a quick interrogation if he still wanted to reach Morgan’s banner in time to collect the creds before someone else did. He likely wouldn’t be able to actually collect on the bounty without revealing himself to the Inquisition agents lurking on the ship. He also knew the safe passage associated with prevailing in this challenge was his only way off the Matron.

The ruined hallway lead into a sprawling chamber lined end to end with industrial looking machines Turel could not identify and racks of old B1 battledroids in various states of disrepair. This chamber had to be one of the old separatist droid repair facilities. He spotted the Quarren on the far side of the room attempting to force open a rusted door to the next hallway segment. Still concealing his presence in the Force, Turel crept as quietly as he could upon his prey. He readied his dart launcher for a non-lethal takedown. All he needed was a clear shot and he could incapacitate and restrain the suspected Quaestor for a little game of truth or dare with an emphasis on truth.

As Turel moved silently across the repair bay a malfunctioning B1 upper torso on the floor sprang to life and reached for his feet.

“JEEEEDI DETECTED. ENGAGE COMBAT PROTOCOLS,” the droid announced in a warbled and broken voice.

The Quarren spun around at the sudden disruption of the otherwise quiet room and ignited his saberstaff. Twin emerald blades cast a light green hue over the dimly lit repair bay.

“I know you’re there Turel. We can still make a deal.”

The Sentinel kicked the B1 torso away from his feet. “Uh, beep boop beep. No one here but us droids. Crush the Republic. Beep boop.” There was no use attempting to hide while the B1 was clawing at him, he might as well get a joke in.

Lexiconus lowered his still blazing saberstaff to a one handed grip at his side and raised his right hand toward the direction of the noise. He reached out through the Force and found a whole B1 unit. The Techweaver gave the droid the command to activate and enter combat mode as he slowly approached Turel’s location.

Turel reflexively readied his own saber as a second B1 climbed out of a nearby rack and readied its blaster rifle.

With the Jedi’s attention now fixed on the droid in front of him, Lexiconus maneuvered to his flank. The Quarren deactivated his saberstaff and readied it to throw. With the combat command firmly implanted into the droid his full concentration was available for an attack upon the Odan-Urr High Councilor. He waited for the droid to open fire then threw the saberstaff at his opponent like a boomerang. Lexiconus telekinetically pressed the activation switch as he released and continued to guide its path through the Force.

Qyreia Arronen, 4 December, 2016 12:07 AM UTC

Story

”A deal? Yeah, sure buddy.”

For the sake of understanding, you may want to delineate thought from Telepathy. As it stands, there is no way to tell if this was a solitary thought or a communication through the Force.

The ex-gangster silently cursed himself for so flippantly revealing his identity for the sake of a one-liner.

This whole paragraph is a great extrapolation on the background for the reader who might be unfamiliar with either character. My only suggestion is to try and "trim the fat" where able in order to give you more word-count room later on in the post.

“Uh, beep boop beep. No one here but us droids. Crush the Republic. Beep boop.”

...Bwahahahaaa!

Realism

“JEEEEDI DETECTED. ENGAGE COMBAT PROTOCOLS,” the droid announced in a warbled and broken voice.

While not unbelievable in entirety and somewhat funny to imagine (because schadenfreude), it seems something of a stretch that a malfunctioning B1 droid would be able to identify a target as a Jedi. This is especially poignant since Turel's only signature of being a Force user is his lightsaber; everything else about his appearance suggests scoundrel/smuggler/pistoleer. "Intruder alert" works just as well.

Summary

An excellent post that showed off a lot of conflict — internal and external — as well as describing the setting and character backgrounds with enough detail to allow the reader's imagination to fill in the blank space, but not actively have to think about it. Only some minor improvements as noted above that might make the reading easier or more accurate/realistic.

Clanking and marching towards Turel with its blaster rifle ready, the B1 droid fired several shots, which Turel deflected away with trivial effort. But his real focus was on the saberstaff hurling and gliding through the air, speeding closer. The droid recycled its message as it closed the gap and fired more frequently.

“Kill the Jedi! Kill the Jedi!” With little time to spare, the Vanguard had to think fast. Ducking and rolling forward, he pierced the metal hull of the droid and dragged the saber upwards, destroying the control module at the head. Whirring and spinning closer, the saberstaff closed the gap and as Turel ducked, the saberstaff clawed across his hair, severing the wolf tail.

The saberstaff was seamlessly recalled to the owner’s hand, Turel stood and readied his lightsaber again, he was prepared to take on the Quarren in a duel. Spinning his lightsaber in a flurry, the Jedi rushed forward and leapt across the scrap metal. Focused on closing in to finish off the Quarren, he weaved his body over the scrap metal and past the countless bodies of droids forgotten in time. It seemed to be his only option in order to win.

Lexiconus forced his saberstaff into the rustic metal of the door, slicing and chopping through the hinges with haste. He didn’t want to be a prisoner, he had a mission to complete. Above all, the mission came first, over life and death, even if that meant his own. A loud and sharp clank against the ship floor told Lexiconus that the door finally surrendered to the cutting, allowing the Quarren to slip through the doorway. Hidden in the darkness of the empty and dusty corridor, Lexiconus concentrated fully on the hulking door and telekinetically lifted it from the floor, then rotated it as fast as he could in the air. With a harsh shove, he blasted it towards Turel.

“Oh karabast!” Turel cursed as he watched the door soar towards him. Hesitant about moving, Turel deactivated his lightsaber and looked for a quick escape route or protection. To his right, Turel spotted a mechanical arm responsible for repairs and dived towards the protection of the bulky limb. The flying door crashed and burst into shrapnel that speared into the ground and across the repair bay.

Still hidden and concealed in the shadows as best he could, Lexiconus observed the mayhem unfold and came to believe that Turel was finally dead.

Lexiconus followed the same method as he did before, using the dusty footsteps of the crew members before, scanning his surroundings for traps and droid units. Making his way through the hallway, the Savant came to a cube room with a blast door. Judging from the keypad and the blinking lights, he could see the door was still locked. However, he peered into the thin, oval window at the top and scanned inside. It was there, his mission, his prize and claim of championship.

The flag is mine!

Bringing his emerald saberstaff to life and shoving the blade into the lock of the door, Lexiconus began to cut. But the rattling of the vents above caught his attention. The Savant turned and yanked the grating from the vent with telekinesis, and Turel dropped hard onto the floor. He looked exhausted and bruised across his hands and face, but as he quickly stood, igniting his lightsaber and pointing the tip to Lexiconus’ neck, the Savant realised it was a ruse.

“Alright squid, you’ve lost. Let’s call it off, the flag is mine.” He panted out heavily.

“What’s the matter, Jedi? Is the Gauntlet too much for you?” Lexiconus said, but Turel seemed to be somewhere else. Voices of his master penetrated his mind and tried to bring him back into concentration. The Vanguard snapped from his moment of relapse and tightened his grip on the lightsaber.

“I said unlock the door, Lex! This isn’t a game!” He spat out, but Lexiconus shrugged it off.

“I’m trying to cut it open!” The Quarren was immediately cut off as Turel swung his fist around in a brutal throat punch. Lexiconus collapsed onto the floor in a fit of choking and panting, while Turel shoved his own lightsaber into the blast door and began cutting.

“Stay down, squid, or you’ll regret it!” The Jedi intimidated him with his vicious words, but Lexiconus wasn’t about to back down. This was his mission. The mission came first.

Qyreia Arronen, 4 December, 2016 12:08 AM UTC

Syntax

The saberstaff was seamlessly recalled to the owner’s hand, Turel stood and readied his lightsaber again, he was prepared to take on the Quarren in a duel.

This one sentence should be three separate sentences or have some major additions made in order to transition between the different sections. Similar to the second Syntax note made for you first post, only bigger in scope.

[...]the rustic metal of the door[...]

Rustic means rural or constructed/made in a plain and simple fashion. Rusty means coated in rust. Word choice is important.

Story

Above all, the mission came first, over life and death, even if that meant his own.

Which mission is that? Getting the flag? This would be a good connector to a character Aspect, but the only one with anything remotely similar is Turel — the one that isn't trying to cut through the doorway.

A loud and sharp clank against the ship floor told Lexiconus that the door finally surrendered to the cutting[...]

Seeing the door drop to the ground would also tell Lexic and the reader this. However, the way you have it written required that I read on to understand that the entire door had fallen as opposed to simply no longer being suspended above the floor (see the related Realism note below).

Hesitant about moving, Turel deactivated his lightsaber and looked for a quick escape route or protection.

He is hesitant to move, so he... makes a plan to move out of the way? I'll let you do the math on that one.

Realism

With little time to spare, the Vanguard had to think fast.

Something you need to keep in mind is time relative to action. In the course of this exchange, Turel deflects incoming blaster bolts, the B1 has time to repeat it's message, and Turel closes with and engages the droid in melee. While the size of the repair bay was not necessarily articulated in exact measurements, that is a lot of action happening in the very short time that it would take for a Force-assisted thrown object to meet its target. If you're going to allow this time extension, add in some maneuvering of the saber-throw.

Spinning his lightsaber in a flurry, the Jedi rushed forward and leapt across the scrap metal.

Turel is a Soresu practitioner. This is not only a defensive Form, but one that uses small shuffling movements in combat; not headlong rushes. I recommend keeping a tab open on the DJB wiki for such things when writing for easy and accurate reference.

[...]slicing and chopping through the hinges with haste.

If you watch Episode I of Star Wars, you might note a distinct lack of any hinged doors on a Lucrehulk-class battleship. Beyond that, referring to one of the first scenes, where Kenobi and Qui-Gon try to cut through the metal door, even a basic ship hatch takes quite some time to completely breach.

The flying door crashed and burst into shrapnel that speared into the ground and across the repair bay.

A door is an inert object. This door is metal. There are so many ways to make something burst into shards of shrapnel (explosives for example), but a telekinetic throw is not among them. It simply doesn't generate enough force to effect such a pronounced result.

Continuity

But his real focus was on the saberstaff hurling and gliding through the air, speeding closer.

If you read the previous post by Turel, the entire premise established is that Turel did not know the saber-throw was incoming. You fail to address this in your own writing, making this a continuity issue.

Lexiconus forced his saberstaff into the rustic metal of the door[...]

When did he move back to the door? If you read Turel's preceding post, Lexic had "maneuvered to [Turel's] flank," meaning he was well away from the door during the action with the saber throw.

Summary

Unfortunately I have little to say of this post that is positive. Your Syntax issues with quotes was not only continued, but compounded by the above-noted items. The story had several sputtering points, and in general read like uninspired combat and overdramatic faffing material. Your egregious Realism errors, both with the venue, physics, and Character Sheets, left quite a lot to be desired. Topped off by your Continuity detractors, it looks as though you had little intention of trying to create an engaging post.

Just a few more millimeters and I’ve got it.

Turel continued trying to cut the blast door open with his saber. A thought occurred to him that the door was probably trapped and he should have let Lexic finish opening it before he closed in on him. Crawling through vents was never his speciality anyway. He only had seconds before the Quarren would get up and try to attack him; hopefully he could make it through the door before that happened.

Multiple sets of footsteps coming from behind gave Turel pause. He pulled his saber out of the door and whirled around to find a trio of the Matron’s denizens aiming their weapons at the two Force users. The trio was comprised of a wookie with a bowcaster, a male Devaronian with a scattergun and a Human with a blaster pistol. All three were dressed in outfits so stereotypically pirate that they could have been extras on a trashy holonovel.

“How nice of you to get the door for us. Now drop the glow bat and maybe we’ll let you live,” the Human commanded.

The Devaronian cocked his scattergun, “The lightsabers would fetch a load o’ creds on da market. We should take em’.”

The Human nodded in agreement, “Scratch that, hand over the fancy swords and we might let you live.”

By this time Lexic has slowly risen to his feet behind Turel and had turned to face this new threat. The Jedi pondered how much help the Quarren would be in the current situation or if he’d take advantage of the chaos to stab him in the back. He had no choice but to face the greater threat to his front and trust that the Quaestor had made a similar assessment of their predicament.

Turel’s eyes darted around the room for a moment as he carefully considered his options. There were too many for mind trick to work and they had him cornered with no places to hide. The only way out of this was to fight head on. He discretely readied the personal energy shield on his wrist using some of his old sleight of hand tricks. The Devaronian would be his priority target. He only hoped Lexic would take the cue and hold the others at bay with his saberstaff. The Sentinel took a deep breath and called upon the Force to strengthen his leg muscles for the initial dash, taking advantage of the precious seconds before the combat started.

“Sure, you can have my saber. Just take it and go,” Turel bluffed as convincingly as he could. He deactivated his saber as he prepared to charge.

Lexic activated his saberstaff with a flourish. “I won’t give up that easily!”

Just follow my lead moron!

Turel raised his hands and dormant saber as if he was going to surrender. He could see the thugs’ attention focusing on the Quarren. He slowly stepped to the side, moving away from Lexic but closer to the Devaronian.

“I’m not gonna ask again fish-boy, make like your friend here and drop the glowstick,” the Human commanded with a deadly seriousness in his voice.

Seizing the moment, Turel dashed toward the Devaronian. As he ran he threw his saber arm behind him and his shield arm toward the front. The personal energy shield sprang to life with a deep hum as a circular disc of pure energy assembled over his left forearm. The thug panicked and fired one volley from his scattergun directly into the shield causing it to overheat and shatter as it absorbed countless pellets travelling at supersonic speed. Turel drove forward as his Force-enhanced legs exhausted their temporary boost of energy. Before the Devaronian could squeeze the trigger a second time, Turel swung his left arm wide and struck the pirate in the face with his now depleted shield generator. It bruised the Jedi’s forearm, but it hurt the thug more. The horned man collapsed to the ground like a sack of Lothal beets. Turel kicked the scattergun out of his hands before activating his saber in a two-handed grip.

While this was happening, Lexic had effortlessly deflected a few blaster bolts from the Human’s pistol. Then the Wookie took aim. To his credit, the Quarren took the bowcaster bolt like a champ. He attempted to block the bolt with his saber only to have the sheer force of the blast send him flying backwards into some rubble.

Qyreia Arronen, 4 December, 2016 12:14 AM UTC

Syntax

By this time Lexic has slowly risen to his feet[...]

I am assuming this is a typo as it is not repeated later in the sentence. Review, proof, repeat!

There were too many for mind trick to work and they had him cornered with no places to hide.

While not technically incorrect, the flow of the sentence could be improved by some minor alterations. Adding "a" before "mind trick" would make it sound less like a mere statement of a Force power. Later in the sentence, "nowhere" or "no place" to hide might serve better than "no places," especially since Turel isn't likely to split up and hide in multiple spots simultaneously.

Story

Seizing the moment, Turel dashed toward the Devaronian.

The paragraph that this sentence begins is extremely descriptive, almost to the point of being redundant. I would also call this an issue of syntax because of the very staccatoed flow of the narrative, but the impact to the story is of greater import. You use up a lot of word space with this fight, and each little section is its own sentence in what should otherwise be a fluid scene. Case in point, the final sentence is very clipped and, while it says what Turel is doing, it does nothing else to expound on the scene as a whole. It looks more like you're covering your tracks for your opponent's next post rather than developing the story.

Summary

Most of the notations here were suggestions rather than outright detractors, showing that you had a strong post overall. However, as the post progressed, I could see you struggling to maintain the quality that you had portrayed in the first half. Your sentences became short and clipped, the flowing description you had in your first post stopped, and it generally lacked the flair that had characterized your writing thus far. I don't know what caused it — if it was as I said in my Story note or something else — but it is nuances like that which separate the good from the great.

Flowing through the moment, Turel stood on the downed Devaronian’s back and leapt at the Human. Hip-firing while the Jedi deflected the blasters with trivial effort, he backed closer to the wall. The Vanguard needed to close the gap, if he ever wanted to survive the volley of shots from the Wookiee. His blaster deflections timed like clockwork, Turel rushed the Human and slid behind him, covering himself. The bowcaster pointed at the duo, and as they were expendable to the Captain of the Matron, the Wookiee gangster blasted the Human shield. The spray of blood and burnt cloth covered Turel, while he evaded the ricochet from the corpse. But now he had no cover.

“Karabast, this is gonna sting!” The Vanguard cursed to himself, readying his two-handed grip again. The Wookiee gave out a blood-curdling roar as his bulky weapon swooped back to aim at Turel, the Human squinting in anticipation. He impatiently awaited the kick-back of the bowcaster blast, but it never came. Turel looked up to see the weapon itself vibrating and trembling in the Wookiee’s hands. The arch of the bow contorted and curled to the nozzle, as the weapon itself was slowly crushed. A wave of icy coldness washed over the Vanguard, and he witnessed the Wookiee levitate from the floor. Choking and grabbing an invisible hand against his neck, the Wookiee pleaded for mercy.

“You want to play, furball? Game on,” Turel turned to the voice, and saw Lexiconus stride through the smoke of the rubble. His hand extended and gripped, the Quarren squeezed more, and the sound of the Wookiee’s windpipe broke through. Lexiconus gritted his teeth and with a shove of his hand, the Wookiee soared down the corridor, slamming into the durasteel wall. His body formed a dint in the rusty metal, then he slid down unconscious. The Savant looked around and assessed the battle scene, then chuckled as he saw the dead Human.

“Sorry, Jedi, I cannot save this one.” He teased, Turel bluffed a light chuckle and turned back to the blast door. Upon inspection, Lexiconus noticed their damage to the mechanisms welded the door shut. However, lightsabers are able to cut through blast doors, given enough time.

“Listen, Jedi,” The Savant prodded at Turel. “Yes, inbetweener?” He replied, the dry humour on Lexiconus’ Gray choice wasn’t received well.

“Look, as far as I’m concerned you can have the banner. This trivial game of cat and mouse is not something I signed up for. I came for my medicine. I’ve got it, now I want to go home. Can you at least stop killing me until we go our separate ways?” The Quarren asked the doubtful Jedi, in an attempt to win him over.

“Sure, we can parlay,” Turel’s reply was short cut, his attention more on his bruised arm. Lexiconus could see he was carefully rubbing and feeling it. He hissed and flinched at the pain, his teeth gritted. A deceitful play to coax the doctor in, and it was working.

The poor Jedi must be suffering badly. Lexiconus thought.

Slowly, the Savant approached Turel and extended his hand in aid, but the Human was hesitant at first. They were, after all, enemies, albeit indirectly.

“I just want to help, we’re parlaying, remember?” Lexiconus asked, it was genuine and Turel could sense it. Giving in and showing his bruised arm, Turel removed his personal shield generator for Lexiconus to get a closer look. On Turel’s other hand, Lexiconus noticed a beautiful signet ring, the symbol of the Sith carved into it.

“Am I right in assuming this ring is what Pravus gave you, for surviving those barbaric arenas?” Lexiconus asked, a simple nod was all Turel gave while the Savant inspected it more.

“I keep an antidote inside, just for the right occasion.” Turel said, as Lexiconus held the ring right in front of his face. The Jedi wasn’t sure if he was going to kiss it, or eat it whole. Chancing the moment, the Vanguard carefully raised his right arm to the Quarren’s neck. A small click and a puff of air came from Turel’s wrist, shooting out a poison-laced dart into Lexiconus’ neck. The Quarren sank to the floor in a state of spinal paralysis.

Turning to the blast door, Turel sighed as he stroked his chin.

“So how will I open you now? I wonder if the vents lead into this room.”

Qyreia Arronen, 5 December, 2016 12:34 AM UTC

Syntax

The Vanguard needed to close the gap, if he ever wanted to survive the volley of shots from the Wookiee.

The comma here is unneccessary.

“Listen, Jedi,” The Savant prodded at Turel. “Yes, inbetweener?” He replied, the dry humour on Lexiconus’ Gray choice wasn’t received well.

Always separate two characters' dialogue into separate lines. Having it on the same line is awkward and can be difficult to read.

Story

“So how will I open you now? I wonder if the vents lead into this room.”

This is as much a Continuity error as it is Story, as in the previous post, Turel had been cutting through the door with his lightsaber, meaning he would know how to get past it in its curren condition. You even acknowledge earlier in this post a lightsaber would be able to cut through it given enough time. In effect, you are contradicting your own writing.

Realism

His blaster deflections timed like clockwork, Turel rushed the Human and slid behind him, covering himself.

Blaster deflections come with the blaster rounds, so unless they're being shot rhythmically like a clock... no. The second part of the sentence simply makes no sense, in addition to it not following his Soresu skillset.

The spray of blood and burnt cloth covered Turel, while he evaded the ricochet from the corpse. But now he had no cover.

While a bowcaster does use a solid projectile, it is enveloped in plasma, meaning that at least some of the bleeding would be prevented through cauterization. Further, I don't understand where this ricochet is coming from, but I know that rounds don't tend to do so off of soft, squishy flesh.

“Karabast, this is gonna sting!”

Use this link to diversify your lingo a bit. The only expletive you have Turel use is karabast.

[...]the Wookiee pleaded for mercy.

Not that either of the characters would know, since neither understands/speaks Shyriiwook or any other Wookiee language.

Continuity

Flowing through the moment, Turel stood on the downed Devaronian’s back and leapt at the Human.

There was no flowing motion here. Turel had stopped to kick the scattergun aside after knocking the Devaronian down with his forearm (i.e. a sideward motion, which would place the prostrate foe off-center of the Jedi).

Summary

What quality you had to your previous posts was not extant here. The combat was difficult to read as well as being unrealistic — both for the characters as well as physics in general. Your previous diffictulties with Syntax, including dialogue, are likewise continued. Overall, there were enough errors that I stopped making note of them for this post.

Crimson bolts flew across the room as Turel batted them away with a few close saber orbits. He remained calm, stood his ground and kept his saber close to his body with minimal movement to deflect. The Human thug grew frustrated at how effortlessly the Jedi deflected the bolts from his blaster pistol.

“Don’t just stand there you walking carpet! Blast him!”

The Wookie traversed his bowcaster in Turel’s direction. The Sentinel was not about to attempt to deflect a bowcaster bolt after seeing what happened to Lexic. He darted to his right to keep the Human thug between himself and the business end of the Wookie’s weapon. The thug leader caught on to what Turel was doing and fired a few more blaster bolts his way. At closer range, it was far easier to deflect the bolts back at the firer, and one of the bolts struck the Human in the chest.

A bellowing Wookie roar signaled the thug’s frustration at his leader going down. The furry criminal took aim yet again and fired. Turel attempted to dodge, but the bolt struck the ground below him, knocking him off his feet.

Before the Wookie could move to investigate the downed Jedi, the whirring sound of a saberstaff flying toward him caught his attention. A loud thud followed by a softer thud echoed in the chamber as the Wookie dropped his weapon and slumped to the ground headless. Lexic recalled his saber to his hand and limped over to where Turel was, thoroughly bruised from landing in the rubble pile. He found the Sentinel laying prostrate on his stomach.

As the Quarren approached he noticed something was off; Turel had no visible injuries. Lexic tightened his grip on the saber hilt. This was likely a ruse. Suddenly a warning echoing through the Force confirmed his suspicion.

Turel rolled over onto his back with the Devaronian’s scattergun in his hands. “Surprise!” He pulled the trigger.

Lexic had mere seconds to react. He reflexively tried to block the shot with his saberstaff, but most of the pellets slipped past. Luckily for the Quaestor he was far enough away that the cone of the scattergun blast was relatively wide. Unfortunately for the Quarren he caught several pellets in his chest and arms. The blow knocked him over with the wind kicked out of his lungs.

The ex-gangster rose to his feet and cocked the scattergun. “That was for my hair. Do you have any idea how long it took me to grow that wolf tail? It’s going to take forever to get that back and people will think I’m a Padawan or something and-”

Turel was interrupted by Lexic coughing up blood and trying to sit up. He pondered what to do next as he stared at his vanquished opponent. The immediate threat had passed, and there was no need to take his life. The Jedi called Lexic’s saberstaff to his free hand with the Force. “You won’t be needing this.”

The Quarren’s wheezing and struggling became painful to hear. The Jedi’s mind raced with possibilities of what to do next. He tensed as he noticed Lexic reaching for something on his belt, only to relax when he saw it was a medpac. He wasn’t a medic, but he felt the Quarren would survive the injuries. He’d have a tough time making it out of the Gauntlet in that state, though.

Turel marched back over to the blast door and finished cutting it open. Beyond the door lay a banner with Morgan’s signature skull and tentacles sitting on a table. Ironic, the Jedi thought to himself as he carefully collected the banner after checking for traps. As soon as he picked up the prize he heard the familiar whirring of a spy drone coming his way.

After stepping back into the larger chamber, Turel stopped. He looked at the banner then looked down at his Quarren adversary. It was almost too much of a coincidence. He walked over to Lexic and stood over him once more. The Quaestor seemed focused on tending to his injuries.

“Well, you won.” He spat out between labored breaths.

Turel leaned down and thrust the banner into Lexic’s hand. “No, you did. I don’t need the safe passage.”

The confusion on the Quarren’s face was palpable. It wasn't until Turel left that the Quaestor understoood the Jedi's act of mercy.

Qyreia Arronen, 5 December, 2016 1:17 AM UTC

Syntax

Unfortunately for the Quarren he caught several pellets in his chest and arms.

Should have a comma after "Quarren."

Realism

Turel attempted to dodge, but the bolt struck the ground below him, knocking him off his feet.

While an energy weapon, a bowcaster doesn't work like this. Even TFA has an example where it looks like this is acurate, but Han shot an explosive barrel.

Lexic had mere seconds to react.

Second. At that proximity, and given the weapon type, this would not allow for more than an brief instant of reaction time.

Summary

This post was much improved over your previous one in terms of quality. Only one Syntax error was noted that I could see, and the sole Realism error was an easy mistake based on a very brief scene in the most recent installment of the SW movie series. The ending seemed a bit odd, but it was in keeping with both of ther chraracters' Aspects, so... yeah, good job.