Competition: Explain a DB plot badly

Finished
Explain a DB plot badly

The Dark Brotherhood has a rich literary history spanning over a decade, but let's be honest with ourselves no one has time to read all that.

There has been a recent trend on Twitter where people #explainafilmplotbadly. Summarize one of the following major DB events in a single sentence in the style of the #explainafilmplotbadly hashtag. Summaries must be one sentence and should separately indicate which event is being summarized. #explainaDBplotbadly

Entries will be evaluated based on comedy, creativity and adherence to DB lore.

Competition Information
Organized by
Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Running time
2016-10-30 until 2016-11-06 (8 days)
Target Unit
Entire DJB
Competition Type
Other
Awards
Third Level Crescents
Participants
16 subscribers, of which 14 have participated.
Results
Member
Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Textual submission

Seven friends reenact the American Revolution with internet trolls.

#ExplainTheExodusBadly

Placement
1st place
Member
A deleted dossier
Textual submission

Everyone conned into believing there was a real threat. #explainaDBplotbadly

(GJW XI)

Placement
2nd place
Member
Battlelord Mateus Kelborn
Textual submission

Dark Crusade:

the quest for a global reset

Placement
3rd place
Member
Morax Darkblade
Submission
Morax Darkblade opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Colonel Len Iode
Submission
Colonel Len Iode opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Aul Celsus
Textual submission

#Undesireables: Yet another racist guy in a white robe chasing people.

Placement
No placement
Member
Howlader Taldrya
Textual submission

The Exodus: Everything got blowed up because of an Australian jackass and a geologist from Jersey.

Placement
No placement
Member
Adept Bentre Stahoes
Submission
Adept Bentre Stahoes opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Edgar Drachen
Submission
Edgar Drachen opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Remurr Hijaa
Submission
Remurr Hijaa opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Tisto Kingang
Textual submission

This entire undesirables thing could have been avoided if the Grandmaster ever read how to Make Friends and influence People. #explainaDBplotbadly

Placement
No placement
Member
Xenna Azara
Textual submission

Undesirables

Everyone turned racist and wants all the other ones dead

Placement
No placement
Member
Keiji Suoh
Submission
Keiji Suoh opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Darth Renatus
Submission
Darth Renatus opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Occultan Iacul
Textual submission

Undesirables

A man becomes a god to indulge his hate and xenophobia.

Placement
No placement