Competition: The Death of Col. Earnie!

Specifics

As some of you know, our dearest Colonel Earnie, commanding officer of the Squirrel Horde, has passed away in a freak speeder accident.

While we're mourning, we don't know the exact circumstances of his death. Your mission is to write about the circumstances of his death. Keeping with the lighthearted tone that his life was associated with, the more amusing the entry, the better.

Less than two pages, please!

Platform

Any writing platform