Witches and wise men, killer rabbits and deadly bridges. These iconic scenes, each a comedy sketch unto themselves, combine to make one of the greatest funny-films of all time that only an uncultured peasant of an anarcho-syndicalist commune couldn’t appreciate.

For this competition, you are presented with the following prompts to choose from, though you may tackle more than one if you wish for a grander adventure for your character. Place your character(s) in the story and see how the shenanigans and coconuts play out. Additional rules below the prompts.

Besieging the French

They farted in your general direction. They called your mother hyper-reproductive and your father a drunkard. And perhaps worst of all, they launched a cow at you and your fellow kanighits, killing one of your porters/“horses”. Now you must face not only a second taunting, but maybe even try to defeat those baguette-eating invaders who claim to have the Grail. And don’t get me started on the engineering behind constructing giant wooden rabbits.

The Rabbit of Caer Bannog

It’s got massive teeth! Look at the bones! It’s nay just a wee rabbit! It’s the Beast of Caer Bannog! As Arthur and his knights of questionable credentials look on, how do you fare against this vile beasty? Perhaps it’s time to call in reinforcements.

Peril at Castle Anthrax

Sir Lancelot said it was much too perilous. Yet all you see as you approach is the brief glimpse of a glowing Grail in the sky, and as the doors open you are met with an apparent cloister of women aged eighteen to twenty-one-and-a-half (This isn’t 1970s Britain; this has to be legally appropriate) led by two identical twin sisters, Zoot and Dingo. Do you sample as much peril as you can, or do you need rescuing because it’s just like Lancelot said? Pray that it’s not Sir Robin that comes to your rescue.

From Black Knight to Burning Witches

Choose another of the infamous scenes of the film. From the indomitable Black Knight who is not so impervious to damage as he is dismissive of it, to the Knights Who Say “Ni” and their shrubbery addiction, to the questionable determinations of who may or may not be practicing witchcraft. Go and ruin a wedding for someone with huge… tracts of land, or forget your favorite color while crossing a bridge. Whatever you do: don’t forget your coconuts.

Additional Rules

• Entries shalt contain words in the minimum number of 500. No less, but possibly more. The minimum number of the words shalt be 500, and 500 shalt be the minimum. 400 being too few, and 20,000 not being too many but may taketh longer to grade. 100 is right out.
• When the writer doth submit their fiction, lo that the Lord spaketh the only accepted formats are PDF or text-box submissions. Nay Google Doc links, pictures of thine words in jpeg or png, and other beasts and file types shalt not be accepted.
• Grading will be done with some respect to the Fiction Grading Rubric, but additional emphasis to adherence to the knightly code of immersion and comedy. Edgelords shalt be placed in a catapult and launched at the silly English kanighits.
• The producers of the film acknowledge the likelihood of what things might occur in Castle Anthrax and assure the audience that adult content is permitted, but should not publish the submission for public viewing if it includes such content. A friendly warning to the organizer wouldn’t hurt.
• Second Level Crescents will be available to the top placements, and Clusters of Ice will be applied in accordance with individual word counts.
• AI generated content is not allowed. Period.