Competition: [CA:CW] Edgelords

It's your task to come up with the most horrible, edgey, mary-sue character backstory you possibly can. Make us cringe, make us laugh, make us face palm so hard we knock ourselves out.

If you don't get this joke, just post your actual character backstory, there's a good chance it'll qualify for the comp!

500 words minimum, graded by edginess.