Competition: The Speculation Awakens - Who is Snoke?

Finished
The Speculation Awakens - Who is Snoke?

We've all seen articles popping up all over the internet about who the mysterious Supreme Leader Snoke is that made his debut in Episode VII. These theories range from the plausible to the downright hilarious. As the preeminent Star Wars club around we can do so much better.

  • Submit your most off the wall, outlandish, theory on who Supreme Leader Snoke really is. This is a comedy comp, so go for laughs.

  • Each entry must contain a single sentence of the theory (e.g. "Snoke is really X") followed by the various arguments for why. Each valid entry must provide at least three distinct arguments in support of the theory

  • There is no length requirement for the required argument sections (aside from them needing to be at least complete sentences), but remember this is where you make your money comedy-wise. Successful entries will have multiple, detailed, argument sections to bolster the parody/absurdity element.

  • Clusters of Ice will not be awarded for this competition.

  • Entries can be inputted directly into the site or submitted in any standard word processing format.

  • This competition will be graded based on creativity, relation to the source material and humor.

Competition Information
Organized by
Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Running time
2016-01-27 until 2016-02-08 (13 days)
Target Unit
Entire DJB
Competition Type
Other
Awards
Third Level Crescents
Participants
24 subscribers, of which 15 have participated.
Results
Member
Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
File submission
TheSpeculationAwakens_(1).pdf
Placement
1st place
2nd place
Aiden Dru
Member
Aiden Dru
Submission
Aiden Dru opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
2nd place
Member
Boss Morgan B. Sorenn
Textual submission

It is abundantly clear to me that Snoke is [Wicket W. Warrick](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Wicket_W._Warrick) in disguise. Consider the facts.

1) Darth Vader's helmet, the thing that keeps Kylo anchored to the Dark Side, just happens to find it's way to Snoke and by extension Kylo. Wicket W. Warrick was there when Vader was burned. Coincidence? I think not!
2) Remember the story of the Wizard of Oz? Ewok behind the curtain isn't so far fetched now, is it? especially considering Snoke is a huge hologram. Coincidence? I think not!
3) Snoke's voice is clearly modified with a modulator. Come on, no one talks that way and no one has that deep a voice (apart from Andy Serkis who is not canon!). Coincidence? I think not!
4) The argument that seals the deal: Ewoks miraculously manage to defeat the Emperor's most **ELITE** troops with sticks and stones (heh :P). I call poodoo. They were all Force Sensitive from the start and Wicket W. Warrick was their leader. Think about it, Rey defeated Kylo, a trained Force user, just by being immensely strong in the Force. Now imagine an army of Ewoks. Coincidence? I think not!

Thank you for your time.

Placement
3rd place
Member
Ashura Isradia Sadow
Textual submission

It is quite simple, Snoke is really a defective chimera made from the DNA of Palpatine, Anakin, and Master Yoda. He has a face only his pappy could love (since Palpatine himself like the inside of Hutts buttocks). He has an unhealthy attachment to Ben Solo/Kylo Ren which borders on Anakin's love/lust for family and Palpatine's pedophilia tendencies to bugger children (i.e. young Anakin), which would explain a lot more about Kylo Ren's sexual frustration. Finally, he is the Anti-Yoda, while Yoda was small, spoke back to front and was a great Jedi. Snoke is tall, has the typical villainous monotonic voice and has no real power at all which leads him to compensate for trying to be evil and "underhanded methods".

Placement
No placement
Member
Dr. Giyana Jurro
Submission
Dr. Giyana Jurro opted out of publishing her submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Kryy Vitaan
Textual submission

I've alot of rumours that Snoke is this "x" guy. Now I dont know who X is but I cant seem to find him anywhere in the wikis...
Starting to think Im being led down a path I cant follow here guys.

Snoke IS NOT Plagueis, spoiler alert, sorry team. I hate to break it to you, but Snoke is not Plagueis back from the dead though imagine the havoc he could reek!

Snoke is The Viceroy of the Trade Federation.
It is obvious just by looking at Snoke's adorable plushie face that its indeed The Viceroy for the following reasons:
- Nute Gunray was always force sensitive, he just never learnt to use the force and instead joined the trade federation and used his ignorance to the force to prevent himself from being detected
- Gunray was not killed on Mustufar, Anakin sliced the coward viceroys face instead and he collapsed to the ground unconscious and merely lay there until everyone had gone before he fled the planet for wild space
- Snoke = Banking clan, Banking clan = Nute gunray. if you count the numbers in the viceroys name, it make 4 + 6 which = 10 - 1 for the space between the two = 9. There are 9 Star Wars movies, Nute Gunray is in star wars. There are 3 sides to a triangle 9 divided by the original trilogy = 9 / 3 = 3. Illuminati can confirm. General Snoke is the Viceroy back to seek revenge on Vader grandson

Placement
No placement
Member
Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor
Submission
Keirdagh Taldrya Cantor opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Mar Sûl
Submission
Mar Sûl opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Edgar Drachen
Submission
Edgar Drachen opted out of publishing his submission.
Placement
No placement
Member
Mauro Wynter
File submission
The_Usual_Suspect.pdf
Placement
No placement
Member
Occultan Iacul
File submission
TheSpeculationawakens-Mako7640.pdf
Placement
No placement
Member
Colonel Len Iode
Textual submission

Supreme Leader Snoke is really...

You Turel Sorenn!

1. After finding out that A'lora was carrying your baby, you decided to do everything in your power to protect the child and like a certain Skywalker, fell to the Dark Side

2. V'yr, your love, attempted to save you from falling, but in the process wounded you pretty badly and she went into hiding on Kashyyyk.

3. The KUDF remained loyal to you and started as the basis for the First Order Stormtrooper Corps

4. You had access to the New Jedi Order while off planet doing something and had befriended Ben Solo

4.5. You then used his love of his Grandfather to turn him when you fell to the Dark Side

5. The rest of the Clan divided itself and part joined the resistance and part remained loyal to you (the Knights of Ren).

Placement
No placement
Member
Ranarr Kul-Tarentae
File submission
snoke.docx
Placement
No placement
Member
Damian Gawonii
Textual submission

Duh it's Darth Deadpool.

1. His face is very messed up

2. He's somewhat of a douche

3. He's crazy

Placement
No placement
Member
Warlord Hades
Textual submission

Snoke is really Boba Fett.

-Boba Fett was swallowed by the Sarlacc and while Fett awesome looking armor prevented his ass from becoming a 1000 year old $#!& stain in the sand it would explain why he face was kinda melted and fugly.

-We know Boba Fett was a clone and while it was said during AOTC that he was an unaltered clone, that didn't mean the lovely walking fish of Kamino didn't mess around with Midichlorian research. And while we never saw Boba Fett use any force powers doesn't mean he doesn't possess them.

-Han knocked his ass into the Sarlacc in the first place! What better revenge against that old SOB than to secretly turn his only son against him which ultimately led Han becoming a skewer.

-AND, during Rey's little force vision/acid trip thingy, there is a guy wearing Mando armor JUST like Fett's standing to the side of Kylo (besides, what kind of FU Sith name is Kylo Ren anyway? His Grandfather was Darth Vader, Vader's Master was Sidious. Those were cool names! Kylo Ren sounds like a name you give a cross-eyed stray cat) the night he broke bad and went all stabby stabby with Luke's other students.

- Because that would be BADASS! That's why!

Placement
No placement