Sith Commander Report

2008/02/14, 1:14 PM, Battleteam Leader - Battleteam Sapphire Squadron

SAPPHIRE SQUADRON REPORT FEBRUARY 14TH, 2008

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="red"> <tr> <td>INTRODUCTION</td> </tr> </table>

Quaestor Ylith's homework assignment for the Sadow Conclave was to think of a true story with a moral, so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one.

The following day at the Sadow Conlcave, Proconsul Ashia raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday he loads the chicken eggs on the truck and drives into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday he hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

Consul Shan Long asks for the moral to the story. Ashia replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next is Quaestor Ashura. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend he takes the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Quaestor Ylith is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Bob fought in the last Sith War. His Tie Interceptor was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of vodka, a blaster rifle, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of vodka. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Taldryan soldiers. He shot 70 with his blaster rifle, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The Consul looks at Ylith confused and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Ylith replies, "Don't f#@k with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.''

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="red"> <tr> <td>REPORT SUMMARY</td> </tr> </table>

Game On
Coming and Going
Promotions and Awards

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="red"> <tr> <td>FRESSH NEWS</td> </tr> </table>

#001 - Game On

well, my attempt to get some good old CNS rivalry going failed miserably. The teams of our sister house (which fits in this case) didn't even muster a response.

However, our fellow Battleteam in Ludo Kressh managed to find the courage to face off with us. So the game is on!

We have placed the Alcoholocron on the line, while Tash has offered the Alcosword. Not sure what the hell the thing is, but we'll take it.

So do your squadron proud and take part in the Clan Artisan Competition.

#002 - Coming and Going

Lets Start with Coming:

Protector Vorion

And now Going:

None.

#003 - Awards and Promotions

Lets Start with Medals:

None.

And now Promotions:

None.

<td>THE CLAN ARTISAN'S COMPETITION</td> </tr> </table>

TOP PRIORITY!!!

Competition Details

Song of the Void

Please send all of your Artisan's Competition submission to:

[Log in to view e-mail addresses]

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="red"> <tr> <td>THE USUAL SUSPECTS</td> </tr> </table>

CMDR/SBL Bob _[ Drunken Kresshian ] _

I could tell you, but than I'd have to kill you.

FM/PRT Naiia Munlear _[ Ensign ] _

No Activity.

FM/JH Kairus _[ Ensign ] _

On Leave.

FM/SW Devani Kiriana Maharet _[ Ensign ] _

IRC Activity.

FL/JH Davin Olar _[ Ensign ] _

IRC Activity.

FM/JH Joseem Maruuch _[ Ensign ] _

On Leave - 3/11

FM/SBM Starrett _[ Ensign ] _

IRC Activity.

Returned to Sith Order.

FM/PRT Vorion

Joined Sapphire.

IRC Activity.

Posted on Artisan Run On.

FL/SWL Mononoke "Macron" Keibatsu Sadow _[ Ensign ] _

IRC Activity.

Posted on Artisan Run On.

FM/PRT Pylarus _[ Ensign ] _

Email Activity.

Submitted to Letter Puzzles comp.

FM/OT Morrigan Ryukossei Jade _[ Ensign ] _

Email Activity.

FM/PRT Fenris _[ Ensign ] _

IRC Activity.

Posted on Artisan Run On.

_NOTE: No Activity doesn't mean you didn't do a damn thing...It just means I just didn't see you do a damn thing :P

Also, if you don't tell me about it I can't report it._

<table border cols="1" width="100%" bgcolor="red"> <tr> <td>HAPPY VALENTINES DAY</td> </tr> </table>

To help you all have a Bob-like Valentines Day, I give you the following step-by-step instructions.

1.Preparation

Have you ever heard the expression 'Never drink on an empty stomach'. Well the 1st step to successful drinking is to completely ignore this. In fact don't eat anything 24 hours before the session is due to begin. This will ensure the effects of the alcohol having a faster effect.

PS Don't worry you will eat, only much much later.

2.Begin With The End in Mind

To different people, a session of successful drinking can lead to a different outcome. However I would class these 3 scenarios as an ideal conclusion to a successful drinking session:

Getting Laid
Getting arrested and looking at prison time
Unconscious in an alley lying in my own puke

*3.Getting Ready *

Required items:

Minimum of $80 (ideally borrowed with no intention of repayment)

3 Packets of Cigarettes & lighter (as above)

ID (as above)

A good attitude (later on this becomes just an attitude)

A large bottle of vodka for the morning (see 7)

4.The First Drink

Should be as early as possible and somewhere inexpensive. After all, this is the place where the transformation from a regular guy to a crazy, psychopathic, sex & alcohol crazed thug begins. To begin the session, order a beer and a vodka at the same time. Although people may tell you not to mix drinks. Tell them off.

Rule: Always Mix Drinks. It achieves the desired effects much faster.

Tip: Cider & Tequila

5.Now You're Drunk

And the only things on your mind are more drinks and women. Now the drinks are no problem as you still have a pocket full of money (and you just happened to go to the bathroom when it was your round).However women could be a problem. The problem is that, although in your intoxicated state you think that you are the best looking, best dressed, most charming, interesting, funny guy in the whole bar and really are gods gift to women, the truth is: you can't speak properly; your breath stinks; you have multiple alcohol (and other) stains on your new shirt; and the crap that is coming out of your mouth could put an amphetamine addict to sleep. My solution: Drink faster. There are women out there who will shag people like you. At first they may seem unattractive but as more alcohol is consumed they achieve model like status. Only at this point do you make your move.

6.Food

By this time you are a mean bastard and need some food, fast. However, there must be no messing around with sissy-like salads and crap like that. The food you now devour must be the greasiest in town. If there is nowhere open, go to a 7-Eleven. Buy some butter. Heat it in the microwave and eat that. Only after eating can you continue your session of more drinking, shagging, puking and childish vandalism.

7.The Morning After

Feeling hung over. I have no solution except drink more. You have got such a headache and messed up stomach that not even a bionic aspirin can help you. So go and pour a strong vodka & whatever and knock it back. Repeat this 9 times and the hangover soon becomes a memory. If you woke up in a strange women's bed then congratulations. You just indulged in some mindless, drunken sex without a care about contraception or if the women enjoyed it as much as you but who cares, there are more important things to worry about. Last night this woman looked like a supermodel. So in the morning do not look at here. Her supermodel looks may have changed to Godzilla with breasts. Quickly drink the whole bottle of vodka (see step 2, Note: stash vodka under pillow) in under 2 minutes. Now you may look at the beauty you just shagged. However, move quickly leaving a wrong name and phone number before the vodka wears off. I call this 'the vodka trick'.