Acolyte Drae'lath Rahath vs. Savant Kylex

Acolyte Drae'lath Rahath

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Savant Kylex

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Mandalorian
Comment

Alright, both of you need to pay more attention to your proofers (I know you both got proofed, I've spoken to them :P).

You also both need to realize that in a Duelist Hall match, there MUST be direct conflict between the two combatants. In the first two posts, there isn't any combat. In one of the ending posts there's none either, though both of your endings had clear resolutions, so you got that part down.

Make sure you read your possessions descriptions thoroughly. I highly recommend you both work up custom aspects to help explain the unique quirks of your characters. Right now you're risking realism errors due to contradictions between stock aspects and how you want your characters to be viewed. You both have solid character concepts and custom aspects will help better convey these.

There was a lot of action in this fight, just not a lot of combat, work more on beating people up. I cannot stress this enough, the match's final score would have been dramatically different, as would the outcome.

With a score of 3.65, Savant Kylex takes the match!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Drae'lath Rahath, Savant Kylex
Winner Savant Kylex
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Drae'lath Rahath's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Kylex's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 5 January, 2018 10:00 PM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Kylex Sanguris Jashashi "Vesh" Zaes
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor errors in your first post, more in your second. Rationale: Very minor errors.
Story - 40%
Kylex Sanguris Jashashi "Vesh" Zaes
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Lack of conflict in your first post hurt you. Rationale: Backtracking in your first post and lack of conflict in both posts hurt you.
Realism - 25%
Kylex Sanguris Jashashi "Vesh" Zaes
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Grapple hook, as noted in post comments. Rationale: The entire Sith Spirit thing in your first post hurts you a bit, more so since I know your proofer, another Judge, suggested against it as well.
Continuity - 20%
Kylex Sanguris Jashashi "Vesh" Zaes
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues here! Rationale: No issues here.
Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.65 Jashashi "Vesh" Zaes's Score: 3.4
Posts

Nar Shaddaa Streets

The Vertical City, Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. From a vantage point on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel offers a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Simple shops and merchants peddle both legitimate and illegitimate wares. Storefronts are just as plentiful as open-market pop-up tents, and the cantina's adapt the same lowlife air as the rest of the Smuggler's Moon. Enemies could be hidden in plain sight, whether one of the Hutts’ gangsters or mercenaries-for-hire looking to earn some credits. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for one gifted in the Force.

Rain fell from the sky, splashing softly on the steel streets of the Smuggler's Moon. The sky was dark, however polluted with light from the many neon signs lining the crowded walkway. Drae’lath Rahath glided through the busy street, raindrops rolling off his leather cape that flapped with each step. He was on a mission, to locate Tasha’Vel Versea’s parents, who had been kidnapped only a few short days prior to the Human’s arrival on the wretched moon. Armed with only a scrap of information on the kidnapper, the old soldier had scoured the moon in search of the lost Twi’leks.

Unknown to the Sadowan, he had picked up a tail. Leaping from rooftop to rooftop, making sure to stay out of sight, Savant Kylex Sanguris of Clan Scholae Palatinae quietly stalked Drae’lath. Under orders from his Battleteam leader, Shadow Nighthunter, he was too make sure the Ex-Imperial didn't leave Nar Shaddaa. Kylex looked down at the street below, eyeing the gruff military man as he stopped and looked down at a datapad. The Dark Jedi knelt down, waiting for the moment to strike.

“Any second now… All this stalking won’t be in vain” He muttered to himself, quietly unhooking his lightsaber from his hip. Sudden pressure swelled at the Mandalorian’s temples, his mental affliction scratching at the surface of his conscious, wanting to break free. “Soon. You can scream and carry on once this man is dead, but for now we need the element of surprise.” He said with a frown. The pressure vanished, kept at bay by the promise of blood. Keeping a close eye on his target, Kylex saw his chance to strike. Drae’lath had answered a call from his wrist link, a fatal mistake.

With a surge of power, the Mandalorian lept from the roof, igniting his red lightsaber in the same moment. Suddenly, the pressure shot back though his mind, forcing its way into his voice and screamed!

“I’VE GOT THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 11 January, 2018 9:58 AM UTC

Good setup, I have to say that you should work up some custom Personality and/or General aspects about this second mental voice, as right now your sheet doesn't convey its existence.

Positive Takeaways


Ambience, pretty good setup of the atmosphere and tone.

You gave solid reasons for both of you being there.

Can Be Improved


Action. The lack of conflict in this post hurt you a bit.

Proofing, you had a few missing commas and a misspelled word in your last paragraph.

Drae’lath stood amongst the crowd of shady characters. The foul stench permeated through the air. With every inhaled breath, Drae’lath shuddered at the thought of having to be around such putrid filth. But he had to put such thoughts behind as the importance of his task was far greater than any feelings he had towards these lower forms. He lifted his arm and activated his wrist link.

Before he could even begin to talk, a large booming sound roared through the air.

“I’VE GOT THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!” A random voice boomed above the Sadowan.

Above you! Vesh, the old Sith Spirit bound to Drae’lath’s cybernetic arm, yelled into Drae’lath’s mind.

The sudden scream took the grizzled veteran by surprise. He looked up to see a wild beast that fell straight towards him. He immediately lunged forward to dodge the brazen attack. As the younger man landed, the crushing sound of the impact startled the nearby denizens. The crowd of denizens gazed in wonder, fearing as to the cause of the noise.

“Who the hells are you?” Drae’lath demanded as he drew his lightsaber.

“DEATH! MURDER AND SLAUGHTER!” The raging beast of a human roared. His words pierced the hearts of the onlookers, and caused them to flee in sheer terror. Drae’lath was stunned, the words caused him to fearfully take a few steps back. The Sadowan noticed that the man’s eyes were corrupted by Sith energies.

Damn. He’s too far gone to reason with. We need to get out of here. Now. Vesh, spoke into Drae’lath’s mind with great urgency.

You’re right Vesh. But we’ll need a distraction. And fast. Drae’lath needed to reserve his energy for his mission. Drae’lath had no interest in fighting his attacker. Vesh was able to sense the Savant’s energy, while Drae’lath could not. She knew the true power that hid beneath him.

The old soldier amplified his body’s strength and bolted away from the raging monster. The hunt was on. Drae’lath dashed through the city streets, trying to lose his murderous attacker. The raging Juggernaut chased Drae’lath down, staying on him no matter how many turns Drae’lath took.

Drae’lath ran as quickly as he could but to no avail. Dashing past group after group of Humans and Near-Humans alike. Using the Force while running was a difficult challenge, but Drae’lath managed to pull parts of the city’s ruined rubble, and piles of trash around him down to hinder his pursuer. The Savant pushed through them with relative ease.

In his attempts to flee the Savant, the Hunter ran into a few Humans and objects, breaking hiss concentration and obtaining a few bruises. The chase ended with Drae’lath starting at his attacker with his back towards the edge of the level. Out of breath, Drae’lath looked to the assailant. Drae’lath stood in front of the railings, looking over and seeing all the air-speeders flying by beneath Drae’lath. Taking no time to consider facing the raging Savant, Drae’lath vaulted over and plunged towards the lower depths below.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 11 January, 2018 10:10 AM UTC

Careful on the backtracking when writing your post, it takes the reader (in this case, the Judge) out of the flow and can hurt your Story score.

Relying on the 'spirit' throughout your post as something functional (mentioning it was able to sense things he Drae'lath could not, and relaying this information) didn't help you either. An interesting narrative device for fiction, though.

Positive Takeaways


Gave the scene a good bit of tension for the chase scene.

Can Be Improved


Much as I suggested in Kylex's post above, you may wish to custom up an aspect about the spirit.

Conflict, you had plenty of action but no direct conflict between the two characters.

With only seconds to decide whether to keep pursuing the Sadowan or break off the attack, the Savant took a deep breath between his strides.

“You can’t get away that easy!” roared Kylex as he ran, stashing his lightsaber back onto his belt. As he rushed towards the ledge in hot pursuit, the Juggernaut focused, feeling the Force course throughout his muscles. Pushing off with all his might, Kylex rocketed into the air after Drae’lath. Only mere inches behind his target, the Savant reached out, grabbing the Sadowan by the boot.

“LET GO!” yelled the Acolyte, shaking his foot around wildly as the pair fell past the many criss-crossing streets of the moon. Kylex grinned, his steel grip firm on the soldier’s foot. He had a plan.

Without a second to lose, the Savant quickly fired the grappling hook on his belt towards one of the walkways below. The silver line zipped through the air, wrapping itself securely around a large lamp post on the edge of the walkway. With a quick tap, the Juggernaut clicked the ‘scale’ button on the grapple.

“Brace yourself, meat.” shouted Kylex, gripping the wire with his right hand. The Savant felt the grappling hook tighten, changing the direction of their movement from down into an arc. Swinging through the sky, Kylex could see the other side of the walkway approach them. Quickly grabbing his lightsaber, the Savant slashed through the metal wire on the upswing, setting the two free as they sailed upwards. With only seconds before gravity took effect on them, the Juggernaut heaved, throwing Drae’lath to the walkway. As he began to fall, he reached out, quickly grabbing the protective railing on the side of the walkway.

“That… was way to close…” Kylex said to himself, stashing his lightsaber away. With his free hand, the Savant climbed over onto the steel walkway. He spotted his target, a few meters away, lying face down on the cold floor.

“Did anyone get the number of that nerfherder?” groaned Drae as he got back onto his feet. He looked over at Kylex, and sighed. “I guess there is no running away from you, Assassin?”

The Savant shook his head. He ignited his red lightsaber once more, pointing it in Drae’s direction. “At least go out with ya pride intact.” The Acolyte nodded, retrieving his own lightsaber, igniting the deep blue blade.

“Prepare yourself, Drae’lath Rahath.” said Kylex solemnly. Without a moment's notice, the Mandalorian charged, bringing his blade down. Drae went to evade, dodging to the left and slashing at Kylex’s middle in the same motion. Without thinking, the Savant’s blade instantly changed directions, swiftly parrying the bold strike. Drae kept a firm grip on his blade, trying to recover from the sheer blunt power of the parry. He only saw his mistake when it was too late. The red blade cleaved through his outstretched cybernetic arm, sending it clanging to the ground along with the lightsaber. The pain shot instantly throughout Drae’lath’s entire body as sparks spat out of the open cybernetics. He fell to the ground, clutching at the stump. Kylex looked down at the man, his mission was almost complete.

“I know the same pain you do, losing an arm twice…” he said, touching his right arm. “I’ll make this quick for you.” He raised his saber, angling it for the neck. Drae looked up at him, trying to mask the pain as best he could.

“Before you kill me, might I know the name of him who slew me?”

“It’s Kylex. Kylex Sanguris.”

Without a moment of hesitation, the Savant swung his blade, separating the old soldier’s head from his neck. Kylex stashed his lightsaber away, spinning on his heel before calling his Commander.

“Mission complete.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 12 January, 2018 12:35 AM UTC

First of all, you're taking a realism hit for the grapple hook. There's a pistol modification aspect that has a winch grapple, the grapple hook item is exactly what it says it is: a hook and a line.

Positive Takeaways


Again, lots of action, LOTS of it.

Can Be Improved


Pacing, you're going from full-bore action to just stopping.

Expand on your saber combat, you've got the points and the forms, play with it more, show off. This was a Juyo practitioner vs a Form 0 user, it could have been a lot more fun to read.

“Frak. Frak. Frak. Frak.”

Drae’lath darted down through the air into the lower levels of Nar Shaddaa. His mind was racing, trying to wonder what he could use to break his fall. The trash particles were biting at his face as Drae’lath tried to remain calm. His eyes squinted as he fell, trying to keep his sights open for something to catch him, but also tried to prevent anything from getting into his eyes.

Seeing no option, he shifted his weight towards the wall of the building, pulling his lightsaber out and holding it tightly in his hand. He ignited his lightsaber and tried to jam it into the wall. The attempt failed as his body had shifted too close and Drae’lath’s arm was severely damaged as he collided with the wall. He grunted in pain and muttered a “Frak.” under his breath. This incident caused Drae’lath to spin as he now tumbled. Drae’lath held firmly onto his lightsaber, timing his rotations to try to jam the saber into the wall again.

Drae’lath successfully timed his movements and pierced into the wall with his saber. He tensed the muscles in his arm, not wanting his momentum to dislocate his shoulder. He looked up to search for his opponent. Upon finding nothing resembling him, Drae’lath let out a long and heavy sigh of relief.

Drae’lath dangled over an air-speeder traffic lane like a piece of bait used to fish. He gazed at the various air-speeders, looking for the right one to safely land on. Drae’lath spotted a large freighter as it quickly approached. He had timed his movements with its speed and deactivated his lightsaber and soon fell on top. The adrenaline had dissipated from his body, causing fatigue to set in. This caused a slow in his reaction time, and Drae’lath fell on board the freighter with a heavy thud. Bruised, beaten, and exhausted, Drae’lath simply laid on top of the freighter and remained, resting from the tiring ordeal.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 12 January, 2018 12:49 AM UTC

Interesting follow up. Was curious how you were going to deal with jumping into a Nar Shaddaa chasm.

Positive Takeaways


Inventive.

Can Be Improved


Conflict. Your opponent doesn't even appear in this post. You have to have conflict in duelist hall matches.