Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr vs. Vanguard Kah Manet

Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Equite, Clan Plagueis
Male Chiss, Sith, Marauder, Imperial
vs.

Vanguard Kah Manet

Equite, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Gungan, Jedi, Shadow, Consular
Comment

This match was reviewed by the CM after the original judgement was complete. Due to issues found in that review, the winner is to be overturned.

The scores remain the same as the original judgement, and the comments remain.

With the winner now noted as Kah Manet, I will take a moment to point out some observations in my review.

Kah, you do descriptions very well and offer a complete story. You got hurt by some missteps, such as it not being apparent that Kah was actually hurt by the lightning in the ending. Don't lose sight of the little things when crafting the big picture.

Brimstone, you told a complete story and really take care to portray your own character as well as. Be careful to maintain details established between posts and to demonstrate the contrast between your character and others properly, especially their skills and how they might counter your own.


Gentlemen, first thank you for participating in the ACC and in the Coach's Corner competition! It's exciting to see activity from a wide range of versatile characters both familiar and new. Both of you have strengths in making a good story with your characters, either through fleshing them out in unique ways, or how detailed the combative scenes are written. If both of those elements came together in your battles, you'd be unstoppable.

There's still a little homework that needs to be done. Lightsaber functionality underwater was something I had to stop, think, and ask "Do they flicker? Do they even work underwater?" and then googled away. Honest it was something I didn't know before reading this ACC battle, or even considered. Lightning underwater is another characteristic for consideration too. How does it spread? Does it dampen or amplify the electricity in anyway? How many people survive that kind of thing? It's good to ask yourself that kind of question too when writing. Story elements, especially ones with a unique venue, gives all kinds of opportunity. Just be sure to ask "Will that work?" while going into it.

I hope that some of these suggestions help you guys going forward in battles to come. It would be really great to see both of you continue to battle as it was such a blast to read your characters and how you both described your fights. I hope you enjoyed working with your teams and that the group environment made a difference in both your experiences. Not only do they have your back, I am always happy to help as well, just find me on Telegram.

With the scored tallied, by a tiny shred of difference, Brimstone is the winner. Thank you, and good luck to you both!

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr, Vanguard Kah Manet
Winner Vanguard Kah Manet
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Vanguard Kah Manet's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kalsunor: Massassi Arena
Last Post 11 June, 2018 7:06 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Sala Fe Blade Master Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: As per original scores. --- No real issues at all, even when dealing with an accented character. Good job! Keep up that balance between keeping how the character speaks while maintaining clarity. Awesome stuff! Rationale: As per original scores. --- Grammarly didn't have much of an issue, but the thought quote from your first post caught my eye. That was really the only thing, everything else was perfect and easy to read.
Story - 40%
Sala Fe Blade Master Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: As per original scores. --- This was an intriguing story. The first post set up the reasoning for conflict and gave familiarity to both contenders and their personalities from the aspects. The combat took advantage of the environment around them, and it even showed a side to Kah at the end that changed the reader's initial view. Excellent all throughout, that kind of writing will take you far in the ACC. Rationale: As per original scores. --- You told a good story. It was a very detailed hashed out in combat, and Brimstone is so versatile with his options in battle. Two different saber styles! Blocking a saber with the force, forked lightning, TKing a lightsaber, that's a lot to use! Not every writer uses everything on their character sheet, and it's good to see nothing withheld in this fight.
Realism - 25%
Sala Fe Blade Master Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: As per original scores. --- Underwater lightning kills everyone. Had there been some kind of force protection written, or Kah wore something to help, or even him barely crawling out with his life, I can work with that. Just walking away from it, however? Just be careful in those kind of situations. It's all chance really in terms of survivability. Rationale: As per original scores. --- The lightsaber underwater had me go out and do some homework. It would make sense having them powered by some form of electrcity and flicker a bit when going out. Alas, The Clone Wars series has multiple uses of fully submerged sabers with no hinderance.
Continuity - 20%
Sala Fe Blade Master Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: As per original scores. --- You had no real issues worth detracting from your score. A suggestion though, Kah had nothing on their loadout in terms of apparel. This was well ignored, though a quote on Kah's robes was mentioned. I'd be careful with that in the case of continuity. We honestly don't know what he's wearing, be it robes, a loin cloth, or anything at all. Now that's not your concern, but it's something better left alone for your sake when it's vague and unclear. Rationale: As per original scores. --- No real issues here.
Sala Fe's Score: 4.75 Blade Master Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Score: 4.8
Posts

Kalsunor Massassi Arena

Elevated over a ravine, the Massassi Arena has withstood the tests of time. It is arranged in a circular formation and made by a slab of stone that connects the opposite slopes of the ravine. On its eastern side, the floating arena leads to a staircase and into a near-vertical cliff face. Because of its nearly unsupported vantage that overlooks a several hundred-meter fall, even the smallest creatures can feel the occasional motion the platform makes as the breeze brushes across its cold surface.

Adding to the adrenaline rush of standing within the slab’s concentric patterns carved into the rock, barriers and obstacles echo the Massassi’s commitment to taking every advantage over their opponents. Pillars ring the outer edge without guardrails linking them, some remaining intact and others having toppled into the arena or over the perilous heights to the ground far below. Weeds and other flora cover each surface as nature seeks to reclaim the ravine and eventually send the arena itself to the depths.

A creaky rope-bridge leads away towards another ancient suspended platform with the same weathered, upturned stones. Mossy footing, and uneven ground make each of these platforms unique in small subtle ways. While there is no seating for formal spectators, the ancient stones of the Massassi Arena hold an omniscient, aged wisdom that speak to the things they have seen and the battles fought through history.

A third rope-bridge leads to yet another platform, completing the triad of battlegrounds that make up the Massassi Arena.

A gentle breeze blew through the ravine, causing one of the platforms to sway as it felt the embrace of the wind. Kah smiled as he felt the motion, reminded of the lily pads in the Lianorm swamp he spent much of his childhood in. He moved from the center of the platform to the outer edge, staring down the ravine and spitting. He shifted an ear flap to listen better, and when he could not hear it land he whistled in surprise. The Gungan could feel a tickle in the back of his head, as though he were being watched or someone was coming. He pretended to still be distracted by the loogie he had spat over the side, nonchalantly scanning the area around him a little better.

“Hello,” said a voice Kah did not recognize, but those syllables sent a shiver down the Gungan’s spine. The Odanite slowly turned to face the voice, and he clicked in frustration when he saw who it belonged to. The first thing he noticed was the Inquisitor armor; the second thing he noticed was the hand placed on a lightsaber. In response, Kah nodded politely while never taking his eyes off the man’s hand.

“Mesa tinkin’ mesa all alone out here,” said Kah. “That bein’ dah hope at least.”

“Perhaps you should have covered your tracks better. My time is precious, and how much of your time I take up is entirely up to you.”

The Gungan clicked again, the frustration practically smacking the air as it came from him. He motioned his hand for the man to continue, tapping his foot as he did so.

“What would you say if I could provide you with what you want, the names of the people who hired the slavers that killed your family, if you provided me with something I want?” said the man, his blue lips curling into a small smile as he saw the expression of the Gungan go from frustrated to intrigued.

“And whatsa be dis ting you want?” asked Kah.

“You to follow your heart. I can feel the struggle inside you, the anger you hold onto and the vengeance you wish to taste. Start by ridding yourself of those that chain you.”

Kah nodded his head, his fingers rubbing his bill as he looked at the person in front of him. Kah knew what the Chiss was; the Gungan knew that his own criminal record was public knowledge across the galaxy, and it wasn’t hard to guess what Kah burned for most of all. Those weren’t the answers that the Odanite wanted. What perceived chains did this stranger see?

“Mesa tinkin’ mesa gon’ pass hard on ya offa. And metinks yousa won’t be leavin’ dat answah alone, hm?” said Kah, his muscles tensing as his prepared to defend himself.

“I’ll give you one chance to reconsider. You aren’t prepared for this battle, and I don’t care how strong you think you are, preparation always trumps brute strength. You won’t survive this. Plain and simple.”

“As long as yousa die, mesa no bothered.”

Sabers hissed into life and the soft glow of cyan and red covered the two opponents. Kah clicked aggressively, and readied himself for an attack. Wasting no time, the Sith burst forth with a flurry of strikes and slashes but the Jedi dodged his attacks as they came at him. Kah lunged to the side to give himself some distance, and then used his powerful frog legs to propel himself to other side of the platform. The Chiss charged at him, attempting to land a strike on the Gungan’s shoulder or bicep, only to be blocked by the azure blade of his enemy. Kah pushed hard against his opponent, forcing the Chiss onto his back foot, and making him give ground.

Capitalizing on this, Kah struck back with a fury unbecoming of a so-called Jedi. Again, and again, the Gungan struck against the red blade of his foe, each attempt parried by the Plagueian. The Odanite started to smile; perhaps he had finally found the person who would end his suffering. Perhaps, in a way, the Chiss would help him remove his chains after all.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 19 June, 2018 12:01 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Thank you for not taking the accent too far. I can definitely feel Kah is a gungan. There is enough display in the dialogue that can let the reader engage with Kah as the story goes on. Often times people will right the accents too far to the point you can't comprehend what their actually saying. Kah's words are not confusing one bit, and it's fun to read him here.

Can be Improved


The relationship to the story and the loadout are actually an important factor. It gives us a visual on what the character is wearing, and where they draw their weapons from. At best I can imagine a gungan in a loin cloth or something. Doesn't Kah also have a really nice and expensive combat droid, one that can be used in ACC battles, why not include it?

Brimstone countered each of the Gray Jedi’s strikes: A slash to the left, a parry to the midsection, a thrust to the right. Each was countered to perfection. Vapaad was an unusual style, but only those who had mastered it knew the intricacies of countering each aspect of that fluid motion. In the hands of a light sider or even a gray, it helped them tap lightly into the dark side of the Force. To a Sith, like himself, it opened him fully into a deadly weapon of power. The Chiss knew he was facing it, hence why he was able to counter it. As they battled, he studied his opponent's movement. He knew he was relying on brute strength only.

Kah, while in mid attack, quickly jerked vibrodagger from his belt a in an attempt to slit one of the Chiss’ wrist. The attack failed as Brimstone sensed the attack coming through a tremor in the Force, allowing him to slice the dagger in half with a flick of his saber. This momentary distraction at the loss of the Vanguard’s dagger made him unaware of the Chiss grabbing a hold of his left elbow. With a twist drop of his hip, the Gungan was sent with a jolt and hurled into the ravine. A noticeable splash, unlike before, was heard as the Odanite hit the water, dropping his lightsaber into its depths.

The Plagueian turned off his lightsaber and placed it back on his belt, all while taking a kneeling crouch. He then pulled out one of his blasters, a chromium plated WESTAR-35. With its hair trigger modification, he knew the Jedi, once he returned, would expect a delay in the shot. Brimstone knew this split reaction was the difference between catching an opponent off guard or not.

Meanwhile, in the water, Kah found his lightsaber, flickering its green blade due to the water seeping within. He reached out to grab its handle, turning it off. As he slipped it to his belt under his now waterlogged robe, he swam back up to the water’s edge. With his bulbous eyes, he peered out to see the Chiss pointing a blaster towards him, waiting. The Gungan knew his lightsaber wasn’t going to deflect any incoming blasts due to the water within it. Kah thought for a second. He decided to see what the Chiss had to say about the slavers that he mentioned before. “Anything is better than dying after a blunder meesa fell for” he thought to himself.

As the Vanguard stood, Brimstone watched him shake the water out of his elongated ears. Noticing that his weapon wasn’t in his hands, he removed his finger away from the trigger and replaced hit pistol back into his sheath on his left hip.

“So I see yousa are ambidextrous, Plaguieian” spoke the Gungan.

“I’ve learned through war that one must use all his extremities to the fullest extent” replied Brimstone with a slight smirk. “Now that you have learned quickly that brute strength isn’t the answer, perhaps you are willing to consider my offer before our sparring session you wanted.”

Brimstone stood back up. As he looked around the surrounded landscape of the former Massassi Arena, he spoke to him. “This planet was once a haven of slavers by the Empire during the post-Republic events. Our military had run ins with many over our time. To be honest, I don’t care for slavers.”

Kah snorted out a chuckle.

“What’s seems to be amusing?” asked the Chiss.

“Only that Plagueis is well known for using slaves for their benefit and yousa here claiming yousa don’t like those who enslave. Hypocritical meesa think?”

Brimstone smiled. “Good reply. So I guess instead of fulfilling your thirst of revenge, you’d rather end your life here and by another’s hand because you are a coward. And here I thought you were the Scourge of Lianorm, the thorn in the side of the Empire.” Brimstone felt the rage build within his adversary. As he tapped both of his blasters on his sides, he continued. “Your choice. We can fight here and you die as you are, a nobody or we can go kill some slavers nearby and you live as you once did, the Scourge, Gungan.”

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 19 June, 2018 12:34 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


This description of combat is exquisite. Clarity and detail in every sentence, it was very easy to get a clear picture of what happened in the struggle. This is the heart of what storytelling involving combat.

Can be Improved


Interesting fact, there is speculation as to what happens to a lightsaber when it is completely underwater. The only mention of it malfunctioning is from a deleted scene in Episode 1, where Obi-Wan is scolded by Qui-Gon on Naboo. However, in the canonized Clone Wars series, it shows Kit Fisto and Anakin both using their sabers completely submerged without issue. One could argue that their lightsabers could have been altered to adjust for underwater activity, but I'm certain if that were the case, a gungan would have definitely applied said modifications.

“Anything is better than dying after a blunder meesa fell for” he thought to himself.

The ACC Rubric recommends using markdown italics for thought dialogue.

The Gungan stared up at the Chiss, hearing Sithly words come from him and wiggle into the ears of the Jedi. He stared for but a moment and then nodded enough for it to be visible, pretending he had reconsidered the offer the Plagueian had laid out.

“Yousa right, boyo. Mesa not be da ting mesa once was. It be high time mesa change dat,” shouted Kah.

Victory. Brimstone seemed to relax, and that was exactly what the Odanite wanted. When he saw his opponent’s hands go limp and move away from their weapons, Kah reacted. He reached out with his mind and unleashed a burst of raw power centered at his enemy. Sensing it coming, Brimstone was able to dodge the brunt of the attack only to be struck in the shoulder and sent spinning to the ground.

The Gungan wasted no time, reaching out once more with mental tendrils to grip the various rocks and boulders one at a time that surrounded him. Different sizes and shapes flew from him one at a time as he gazed up at the platform, aiming at precise targets. He hurled them at the various branches and supports that kept it stable, and with little effort the stone structure crumbled and gave way. The Chiss fell with the crumbling rock and into the depths below. Kah launched himself into the air over the water with his powerful frog legs, using the momentum from his descent to pierce the surface and spear tackle the Sith further into the depths. The Plagueian fumbled for a moment, trying to grab his saber, trying to pierce the heart of the Scourge. But it wasn’t there, an inconvenience from the fall. Kah smiled, watching bubbles pour out of the Sith’s mouth as he uttered something negative.

The Odanite delivered a series of blows to Brimstone’s side, eventually kicking the Plagueian away from him. Brimstone reached for his blasters as he propelled through the water, firing at his target with murderous intent, only to have Kah dodge each one with ease in his natural environment. Another inconvenience from the fall. He cursed himself for kicking his opponent into a home field advantage, angry for creating such a tactical blunder.

Kah swam towards an outcropping of rocks, placing his legs against it and propelling him back towards Brimstone. When he reached the Chiss, his hands laced around his throat and began squeezing harder. The Gungan smiled when he watched the Sith struggle, hitting the Odanite’s arms first in an attempt to break the hold. But the Scourge was stronger than his opponent. Kah smashed his head against the Plagueian’s and smiled as he saw blood from the blue nose of Brimstone begin to mix with the water. Harder and harder, Kah’s grip squeezed the windpipe of his enemy.

It was at this point, Brimstone realized he was losing and made a last ditch effort to preserve his legacy. He summoned all the anger and rage inside himself and expelled it through beautiful arcs of lightning. As the lightning ripped from his fingertips, it encircled both he and the Gungan. Pain rippled through both of their bodies, and yet the vice grip the Scourge had around the Plagueian’s neck did not budge. More rage, more anger, more pain. The lightning continued for a few more moments, the Gungan feeling the dark energy of the Sith ripple through him.

And then, as quickly as it started, the lightning ceased. Both men rose to the surface of the water, backs breaching the surface and beginning to bob as corpses do. Blistered skin and a strange aroma peeked out from the water, until finally Kah’s head whipped upward. He looked frantically to his left and right, eventually seeing the lifeless body of Brimstone. He swam over, grabbing the armor that once belonged to the Chiss, and dragged him to the shore.

“Huh. Yousa don’t change color when yousa get strangled. Interestin’,” said Kah, as he dragged the Plagueian through the sand.

He nudged the corpse onto its back, kneeling down and removing the cowl of the Chiss. He grabbed the dagger he still had sheathed on his belt, and dragged the blade hard against the soft flesh of Brimstone’s neck, bringing it to his mouth and lightly dragging his tongue against the blade. He leaned closer to the defeated corpse and whispered in his ear.

“Yoursa clan be next.”

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 19 June, 2018 1:18 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Chills ran down my spine of the thought of a gungan licking the blood off the corpse of his fallen foe. Not something to expect from a jedi, which is intriguing. This character has a horrresque feel to him, and even as a Plageuian myself, I'd fear running into him. This is good storytelling, a dramatic end that shows a side to a character we would not expect to see.

Can be Improved


Lightning spreads it's energy in every direction since water is such a massive conductor. It's very dangerous to use that in a story element because very few can walk away from being electrocuted underwater. If this was written as a tragic end to them both, along with some fishies, that would have been an unexpected turn.

Kah thought about it for a moment, contemplating the Chiss’ offer. “Meesa think I can take care of the slavers meesa self, so the answer is no.”

“I am discouraged that you decided that. Too bad!” retorted Brimstone.

Before the Vanguard can do anything, Brim raised his hand and forked out blue-green lightning at the Gungan. The impact lifted and tossed him backwards against the embankment. Kah’s robe smoked and smelt of sulphur in his nostrils.

”You little runt. I am giving you a chance to fulfill your destiny and you want to waste my time being here” sneered Brimstone, “Now you will die as a runt Gungan that you are or perhaps I’ll just turn you over to the slavers here to be their pawn.”

This pissed him off. Kah used his powerful legs to kip up, grabbing his lightsaber and bringing it to life. “Never again” yelled the Gungan as he leaped towards the blue skinned alien. Brimstone fired off another blast of lightning at his opponent, but this time he was ready and caught it with his blade. Kah closed the distance between two. As he went to strike down, The Plagueian threw up a barrier in time, blocking the lightsaber in a glancing blow. Kah struck time and time again while the chiss concentrated. Brimstone knew he wasn’t going to keep his protective barrier up for long from the powerful blows.

The Chiss made a sweep of his right leg, but Kah felt it coming and leaped backwards in a somersault. As he landed, Brimstone pulled out both of his lightsabers and took a Jar’kai stance, They both ran towards each other. As the drew close,The odanite dove with a strike, but the Chiss flipped over him, blocking the strike in mid form. As he landed, he swung both blades back at the Gungan; Red blade to his head, Purple blade to his sternum alternately. Kah tried with his strength to stand his ground, but the relentless attack was overwhelming. Brimstone dropped his purple bladed lightsaber and in the same moment of distraction, blasted the Gungan with another strike of lightning, hitting him in full impact. As the Gungan was sent backwards again, Brimstone telekinetically hurled his dropped lightsaber at Kah. Before he can get his bearings, the blade struck true into the Jedi’s chest, impaling him fully, making him gasp and drop his weapon into the sand.

Brimstone, with his other blade in his hand, walked over to the limp body of his foe. Freeing the blade out of his chest, he looked down on his victim. “Gungans never learn the true art of the fight” he exclaimed. He then replaced his blades to his belt and walked off.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 19 June, 2018 1:44 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


There is a versatile display of multiple battle features here. From applying a new saber style fom before, to utilizing multiple different force abilities throughout the fight. That's awesome, that's using a character's abilities to their extent. Outstanding and fantastic job.

Can be Improved


waste my time being here[,]” sneered Brimstone,

“Gungans never learn the true art of the fight[,]” he exclaimed.

Badass quote at the end, something I'd expect from a fellow Plagueian. Though a comma is needed at the end of the dialogue when there is more to the sentence. It's extremely minor. This was a good post, and I couldn't find any major ways of improving it. Although it's negligible, and these in particular didn't really go against syntax on it for your judgement, it's good to include in the future.