Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor vs. Knight Alara Deathbane

Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Sith, Techweaver, Krath
vs.

Knight Alara Deathbane

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Force Disciple, Marauder
Comment

Alara: Your opening post goes into Alara’s motivation for being on Ilum and what pushes her to fight Lexiconus. Unfortunately, you do not use this to create significant conflict. The final post transitions into a peaceful, friendly setting quite quickly, and this clashes with the ACC as an arena for rivalry between two characters. Your description of Alara’s mood swings is well executed and brings the story forward; all you need to do is use it as a catalyst for conflict within your own posts.

Lexic: Your posts are kept lively and exciting by plenty of action. Your first post does not do much to bring the story forward, but the final post brings out the personalities of both characters and uses them to write a stimulating conclusion. The progress of the final post is marred by a repeated misinterpretation of the two characters’ Skills. The usage of Manipulation and Subterfuge can be difficult to interpret on their own. However, Lexiconus is decidedly mediocre in these areas. His repeated successful attempts at deceiving Alara’s trained Perception make the Realism of the final post suffer. Nonetheless, you make good use of the environment in your posts, both to enhance action and imagery, and this helps to bring the arena to life.

One detail in your final posts that I found appealing was your two characters’ craving for a different beverage (rum for Alara and port for Lexiconus). The inadvertent comparison of each character’s idea of a relaxing drink was a nice nod to their difference in personality.

Alara’s depiction of her character’s emotional turmoil was interesting to read, but in the end Lexic’s action-driven writing won him the match.

The winner is Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor

Hall Unconventional Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor, Knight Alara Deathbane
Winner Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Lexiconus Qor's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Alara Deathbane's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 11 September, 2016 6:17 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Korroth
Syntax - 15%
Alara Deathbane Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Punctuation around speech quotes is something you will want to look at. Some odd word usage and some minor errors, as shown in the post comments. Rationale: Isolated errors of various kinds, see post comments.
Story - 40%
Alara Deathbane Qor Kith
Score: 2 Score: 3
Rationale: Alara’s motives for conflict are explained, but not Lexiconus’. There is no fighting. The opening post contains a verbal confrontation, but in the final post that soon disappears as well. There is little action that makes use of the environment. Rationale: Your posts contain conflict and action. Character motivation comes into play in the final post. You make good use of the environment for both action and imagery. One loose plot thread. Awkward use of words damages your ability to convey the story.
Realism - 25%
Alara Deathbane Qor Kith
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A leg injury is mentioned but its consequences are poorly addressed. Alara’s Species in your posts does not match that in her Character Sheet (Human). Rationale: A lapse in the interpretation of Lexiconus’ ability to overcome Alara’s Perception, repeated thrice in the final post. An issue with the way Lexiconus defends against Alara’s attack in your first post.
Continuity - 20%
Alara Deathbane Qor Kith
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Alara spits blood, but the source of the blood is not explained. Rationale: No issues found.
Alara Deathbane's Score: 2.8 Qor Kith's Score: 3.55
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On the planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws; cracks formed through thousands of years. Glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, racing and scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, multi-coloured clusters of kyber crystals reflect the light into the deepest crevices from the surface. Untouched for a millennia, the value in this chamber once sparked an entire battle between the Galactic Republic and the Sith Empire. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

The Knight kneeled down to observe the luminescent kyber crystals before her. Each reflected its own beautiful hue, practically humming with energy and light. Alara couldn’t help but smile as she gazed upon such natural charm. Her heart grew with anticipation as she glanced over each crystal. Which would she choose now? You could never have too many kyber crystals, or so she liked to tell herself. If there was a way to gain more power, Alara Deathbane would find it. That’s just the way she is. Her thirst for more led her down here in the first place. She almost forgot all about the dark and chilling cavern all around her. She wasn’t even bothered by the corpses, monsters, and danger that she had to go through to get here. She felt, for once, some peace within her darkened heart.

A set of eyes joined her in the cave. The male Quarren loomed carefully, but quietly, observing the Sephi who appeared to be spending a few moments in bliss. He recognized her immediately, and a slight smile went across his tentacle-textured face. He stuck closely to the shadows, and decided to see what the Sephi was up to.

Alara reached her hand toward one crystal before her. It flickered in several different colors. Blue? No, red! But wait... green? The crystal, nor the Sephi could make up her mind, so Alara decided to reach for another. This one seemed to flicker in random arrays as well. Perplexed, the Knight bit her lip with a furrowed brow.

“Do you forget your training, Lass?” Lexiconus Qor finally spoke up, stepping out of the shadows. The Battlemaster gave her a smile, and knelt down to her side.

“Huh?” Alara turned around, hovered her hand over the lightsaber strapped to her belt, and then let out a slight sigh, “Oh, sorry Lex. Hello. I’m not exactly sure as to why the colors keep changing in the crystals.”

“Oh Alara... “ Lex placed his tentacled-hand on her shoulder, “I think we both know why the colors keep changing.”

“Oh?” Alara’s frown turned into a cautious, unsure cocked eyebrow. She wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but she felt almost tested.

“Alara…” Lexiconus took his hand from her shoulder and sat cross-legged beside her, “You’ve obviously been… wrestling with yourself lately. A lot is going on with you. I can sense it within the Force.”

“Wait.. Wha?!” Alara jumped up, “Excuse me?”

Lexiconus sighed, stood up, and wiped the dirt from his cloak, “Yes, Sephi. You’re at war. Within the Force, and more importantly within yourself. What’s going on?” Alara growled, “That’s enough Lex. I don’t appreciate people telling me what’s going on in my head. I know what’s going on in my head. I own it!”

“Easy, easy. No need to get defensive. I mean it out of kindness. Something's obviously bothering you. How can I help?” he stepped towards her.

Alara suddenly felt a twinge of guilt and a shock of heated anger within her. She killed her parents just recently. She thought she was over it. She thought no one knew about it. Did Lex find out? How? She did not meet his glance. The Sephi felt as though he was reading her mind during her moments of hesitation.

Suddenly, with a huff of detest, Alara grabbed her lightsaber and ignited it before the Quarren, “I don’t know what you know, and I don’t know how you figured it out, but whatever your inquisitive brain has learned about me can’t leave this room. I hate to do this to a friend, but I see no other choice, Lex. You shouldn’t meddle in affairs that aren’t yours!”

“Alara, relax. I didn’t mean to offend you,” The Battlemaster stepped back, holding his hand towards her cautiously while using the other to retrieve his saber, “We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready…”

The Knight roared and leapt towards her new opponent, lightsaber held above her head, “You will not ruin this! YOU WON’T!”

Korroth, 13 September, 2016 9:16 PM UTC

Story

She felt, for once, some peace within her darkened heart.

A nice way to hint at a reason she came here and tie it to the latter half of your post.

The male Quarren loomed carefully, but quietly, observing

Be careful when using adverbs in a description. Ideally they should add to an already fleshed-out description, rather than substituting it. By cramming two adverbs in a single sentence, you also halted the flow of the writing (loomed carefully, but quietly, observing). To refine the way you portray Lexiconus' stance, you could expand on his position in relation to Alara and to the environment (which you partly do later on), e.g. was he close or far behind her, was he in the shadow of a large stalagmite? Try to connect the characters to the environment whenever you can. Don't be afraid to flesh out your descriptions here—the start of a match is the best place for it.

Syntax

The crystal, nor the Sephi could make up her mind

If you wanted to complete the bracketing comma, you would put another comma after Sephi, The crystal, nor the Sephi, could make up their mind

“Do you forget your training, Lass?”

Unless “Lass” is a nickname used especially to refer to Alara, you don't need to capitalise it.

Alara turned around, hovered her hand over the lightsaber strapped to her belt, and then let out a slight sigh, “Oh, sorry Lex.

This is a bit of a long sentence. To improve the pacing you could have split it after strapped to her belt. A full-stop would also have gone after let out a sigh, since the speech quotation is a separate sentence.

Lexiconus took his hand from her shoulder and sat cross-legged beside her, “You’ve obviously been… wrestling with yourself

These are two separate sentences. You would use a comma, for example, if a statement modifies the way the speech quotation is read. Here, and several other times through your posts, a full stop is required. To see an explanation and examples, see the Syntax section of the ACC Guide.

Alara growled, “That’s enough Lex.

You should have started this on a new paragraph, to reflect the transition from Lexiconus speaking to Alara speaking.

How can I help?” he stepped towards her.

Should be How can I help?" He stepped towards her. I'm sure you would have spotted this with another proofread.

Suddenly, with a huff of detest

I see what you were trying to depict here, but “detest” can't be used as a noun. You could have used “contempt”, or perhaps an adjective, e.g. with an angry huff.

Realism

Each reflected its own beautiful hue, practically humming with energy and light.

[This point did not affect your score] The quote above suggests the crystals display multiple colours in their natural state. In fact, current Canon sources (Wookieepedia entry, Star Wars Databank entry) state that the crystals are colourless until they become attuned to a Force user. Now, you may have noticed that the Venue description said “multi-coloured clusters of kyber crystals”, so of course your scores are unaffected by the discrepancy. We just wanted to mention this Canon fact for your future matches on Ilum, which shall have an appropriately Canon-updated Venue description.

what the Sephi was up to.

Alara’s half-Sephi blood needs to be mentioned in your Character Sheet before she can be described as such in your posts. A person reading the match relies in part on the Species to form an image of Alara, and this image clashes with the information on her Character Sheet. As mentioned in the Character Creation Guide, you can indicate she is half-Sephi in your character’s Physical Description field. While your character Wiki page does state she is half-Sephi, the information on your Character Sheet supersedes the Wiki in terms of ACC Realism.

Alara attacked him with ferocious and relentless speed, her lightsaber swinging at Lexiconus in a multitude of arches, stabs and swipes. His ruby blade ignited and cross-guarded the mighty thrashes at him. He tightened and controlled his defense, patiently waiting for the right moment. It was a blessing of the Force. Acting rather on commands and instinct than memory, Lexiconus back-peddled from the kyber clusters. With his back against the wall, the Force urged the Quaestor.

Duck! Now

Dropping to his knees and rolling aside, he was only a slither away from Alara’s powerful sweep. Cutting a stalagmite in half, the rock cut the combatants apart and crumbled into an explosive dust cloud. He needed to get through to her sanity, but Lexiconus was unsure how.

“Alara, please stop this madness and listen to me! You are not thinking straight!” The Quarren pleaded, but as he stared into the bloodshot eyes of the female, who was panting and sweating heavily, he could see his words were useless. The Knight leapt over the rock pile and continued her overwhelming assault, trenching the ground with cinders and molten limestone. His shaky hand holding the lightsaber in front of him, Alara battered down on it, forcing the blade closer to the Quarren’s face. The smell of cooked flesh crept into her nostrils as his blade sliced and scarred his tentacle.

“Argh! Alara, stop!” Lexiconus lifted his off-hand from the stony floor and focused on the Human. He summoned the strength of the Force, calling it to lift her from her feet and threw her across the cave chamber. She crashed into a loose rock pile and a curtain of dust formed around her landing site, while smaller rocks tumbled around her crater. The Quarren coughed heavily into his hand, blood spitting into his palm, as he forced himself to stand. While the dark side began to subconsciously stitch his body to normal parameters, Lexiconus cautiously approached Alara’s landing site. He felt the pending anger from her mind, mixed in with pain and fear. Another rock tumbled from above and she grew in fear.

“Alara! Get out, now! It’s going to kill you!” The Quaestor pleaded. He limped forward and began to lift the rocks from her body, throwing them into a crevice nearby.

*She has to stay alive. The kyber chose her, not me…”

Korroth, 13 September, 2016 9:18 PM UTC

Syntax

His ruby blade ignited and cross-guarded the mighty thrashes at him.

A couple of issues in this sentence. Converting “crossguard” from noun to verb disrupts the flow of the sentence. Using a more common phrase like “crossed with” would have convey a clearer and more immediate picture to the reader. The words “mighty thrashes” do not sit well together. “To thrash” indicates a repeated, rapid motion, often with a thin, light instrument such as a stick, but “mighty” has connotations of great power and size, not rapidity.

the mighty thrashes at him.

A verb is missing here. You could write the mighty thrashes **thrown* at him* or the mighty thrashes **leveled* at him.*

back-peddled

Looks like a typo, should be back-pedaled

a slither away from Alara’s powerful sweep. Cutting a stalagmite in half, the rock cut the combatants apart

Here the verb “Cutting” does not have a subject. The reader is forced to go back in the text to find it (Alara’s sweep), and this breaks the flow of the writing. To solve this problem, you could have made the action in question a full and free-standing sentence.

he was only a slither away

You must have meant “sliver” here. “Sliver” is a noun that indicates distance, while “slither” is a verb that indicates smooth twisting motion.

He summoned the strength of the Force, calling it to lift her from her feet and threw her across the cave chamber.

Careful with the tenses here. In this sentence the verb "to throw" is still, grammatically, an action performed by "the strength of the Force", rather than Lexiconus. So it should be He summoned the strength of the Force, calling it to lift her from her feet and throw her across the cave chamber.

*She has to stay alive. The kyber chose her, not me…”

A minor formatting oversight. Should be another asterisk at the end. Also, a plot-line point—you do not address this particular issue ("She has to stay alive") in your final post, it remains a loose thread in the story.

Story

While the dark side began to subconsciously stitch his body

Good use of Accelerated Healing.

Realism

He tightened and controlled his defense, patiently waiting for the right moment.

Vaapad is indeed about timing and opportunity, but even when stepping back a Vaapad practitioner will favour an aggressive stance to a defensive one. In this case, Lexiconus' basic training in Vaapad would not allow him to defend against Alara's determined and proficient Juyo offence. In future battles, rather than changing the way you write Lexiconus’ fighting style, you might consider changing his CS Lightsaber Form to a defensive one like Soresu. It depends what style you feel most comfortable writing.

The Sephi coughed steadily and sharply for quite some time. Her head throbbed with pain, anxiety, tiredness, and fear. Alara spat some blood towards some pebbles lying next to her and attempted to get up. She howled in pain as she realized there was a large rock holding down her leg in an awkward formation.

“Look what you’ve done! Why did you have to get your nose in other people's’ business?!” Alara growled. Her stomach suddenly dropped. The vulnerability of her position came to realization in her mind. He could kill me easily now. He’d have no trouble at all with slicing my neck in half. The thought of this sent a shrill of fear and adrenaline through her body. The Knight focused with all her strength and managed to muster enough strength to push the large boulder to the side. Alara breathed a sigh of relief and hopped up, attempting to gain her footing despite the injured, most likely broken leg.

“Are you okay?” Lexiconus questioned with a concerning air, offering her a tentacle. Alara glanced at the tentacle, then looked at Lexiconus.

“Why are you still here? Don’t you want to ruin my life?” Alara interrogated loudly, brushing off dirt and blood from her legs. She ignored the gesture for a moment. The panic and anxiety still crept throughout her body, but something within Alara told her to wait.

“No. Not at all, Alara. You’re not quite in your frame of mind. Do you want to talk about something?” the Quaestor offered his tentacle to her again.

The Battle Sergeant paused for a moment, but accepted the kind offer and took his tentacle in her palm. She didn’t speak a word.The Quarren swung her arm around his shoulder, and began to pull her towards a platform next to some water. “Sit down, Alara. You need to rest a moment.”

They sat in the quiet for a few breaths. Alara scooped up some water in her hands and began to drink slowly.

“Look at this place… isn’t it beautiful? Glistening in all sorts of hues and light?” Lexiconus sighed, his tentacles rested upon his thighs. He turned to Alara, who seemed to be staring intently at the Quarren next to him.

“Why are you here?” Alara questioned.

“Ahh. You’re realizing that I’m not here to kill you. Good. I came to visit. Look at the kyber crystals. However, it seems that you had the same idea, right?” Lexiconus smiled politely.

“Yes. I really admire kyber crystals. I always scope out a new one here and there when they call to me,” Alara blinked rapidly, unsure of what to think of her situation.

“Aye. They’re a beautiful sight to see. One can never have too many,” the Quaestor made small talk, trying to think of what next to say. He knew that if he breathed even the slightest negative comment, Alara may spark up again.

“So what’s going on, Alara?” he took a chance, cocking his eyebrow.

“It’s…” Alara sighed, “It’s complicated. I just don’t know if I should involve anyone else. Too many people are getting hurt.”

“Well,” Lexiconus reasoned, “Will you be okay? Are you in any sort of danger?”

The Sephi woman looked at the Quarren’s face and saw a set of eyes with emotion she didn’t see that often: concern, care, and possibly even friendship. Despite all that Alara had done, whether he knew what it was or not, she didn’t expect to see such feelings in a glance towards her like that. She slightly teared up a bit. The Knight began to rub her eyes violently.

“I, I don’t know… As of right now, no. I don’t think so. We shall see how it goes,” she replied.

“You know you have a friend in me, right? I’m here to help you. Always,” Lexiconus placed a tentacle on her shoulder. Alara looked up with glassy eyes and shuddered with emotion.

“Despite how I hurt you?” Alara sniffed slightly. Her belly twisted up with all sorts of emotion. The embers inside seemed to be cooling down, but her anxiety was way up.

Lexiconus chuckled slightly, “Yes. It’ll heal. Awkwardly, but it’ll heal nonetheless.”

The Knight stayed quiet for a moment, contemplating what to do next. It seemed as though her anger and frustrations had calmed down. What was this...light feeling? Whatever it was, it felt slightly nostalgic to her. She was unsure why.

“I recommend that you allow me to take you to the nearest point of civilization. I’ll wrap up this slice, get your leg looked at, bring you to the local cantina, and buy you a drink. Sound good?” the Battlemaster offered. With a slight smirk, Alara nodded, thinking that perhaps rum would settle this tight knot in her gut.

“You don’t have to give me explanation either. I’ll understand if you want to keep quiet. However it is rather damp and drafty in here. I wouldn’t mind a cantina complete with a fireplace,” Lexiconus laughed. Alara chuckled alongside him. The Quaestor stepped up from his seated position, and offered his tentacle to the Sephi once again. She took it, almost instantly, and stepped up as well. The two hobbled towards the cavern’s exit. As they left the cavern, a nearby kyber crystal flickered in a amber/yellow hue. Perhaps Alara wasn’t consumed by evil after all.

Korroth, 13 September, 2016 9:21 PM UTC

Story

The Sephi coughed steadily and sharply for quite some time.

When transitioning from one post to another, try to follow on immediately from the action at the end of the previous post (in this case Lexiconus trying to dig Alara out). This will make the transition seem more seamless.

Look at the kyber crystals.

This could have been a good spot to interrupt the speech quote and flesh out on a description of the crystals. It would also help to slow the pace of the post, as it transitions from battle to chatting.

Continuity

Alara spat some blood

There is no direct indication of an injury to Alara's chest or face in the previous post or in yours. If it was Lexiconus’ Telekinetic throw that caused this damage, you would make the injury more “real” in the reader’s mind by addressing more of its manifestations, such as chest pain, difficulty moving or a visible bruise.

Realism

Alara breathed a sigh of relief and hopped up, attempting to gain her footing despite the injured, most likely broken leg.

The pain of Alara’s possibly broken leg is not addressed after this point. Describing Alara’s reaction to the injury and how it affects her actions would help to bring her condition to life for the reader. Alara’s lack of a pain response could in theory be explained by an application of the Force, but you do not show her using Control Self.

Syntax

people's’

people’s—might have been caught by another proofread.

He could kill me easily now. He’d have no trouble at all with slicing my neck in half.

While the transition from third person to first person makes it clear that this is an unspoken thought by Alara, you could back it up with Markdown formatting. You can use single asterisks on either side of the sentence to italicise it: *He could kill me easily now. He’d have no trouble at all with slicing my neck in half.*

Lexiconus questioned with a concerning air

I think you probably meant Lexiconus questioned with a concerned air

Alara shoved the rocks from her body, one by one they tumbled from the pile and collected nearby. Her bloodied face shook with rage as her teeth bared and snarled, she wasn’t done with Lexiconus just yet. The Quarren retreated from his attempts and walked back to the crystals, noticing a yellow crystal glowing brightly. Lexiconus caught the glint of the gem in his eye, it was rough and callous on the edges, blunt and angular, but nothing a simple sanding down couldn’t fix.

“You stay away from my crystal!” Alara roared as she stumbled from the rock, her lightsaber ignited and by her side. Her bloodshot eyes targeted the Quarren with fury. She began to swing and stab at Lexiconus, determined and unrelenting in her cause. The Battlemaster ignited his lightsaber and brought it between them to defend himself, but her strength was too much for him.

Get away, you’re going to die!

His controlled and precise ripostes were good to block, as sparks and hissing from the blades surrounded them. But with each strike, Alara overwhelmed the Quarren. He blocked a ferocious uppercut, and Lexiconus collapsed onto the floor. His head whacked the stone, and he fell into a hazy state. The Quarren slowly looked back up to the Human, his lightsaber rolling from him, and forced himself to stay alert.

“That crystal is mine, and you will not take it from me!” The Knight roared with command. She reached down and snapped the crystal from its cluster, then stirred into the beauty. Its amber and pristine state locked her eyes.

“Do not let its power take hold of you, Alara. You are stronger than this crystal. It is just that, just a crystal.” Alara slowly looked to Lexiconus as he talked her down from the rage, which he noticed pass her by as her expression returned to a calm but exhausted look. The Knight nodded with agreement and rubbed the dust and blood from her cheek.

“You’re right. You’re absolutely right, a simple crystal will not rule me. I am a Jedi.” She wanted to bolster her confidence with her own words, but Lexiconus could see her brow frowned and her eyes filled with worry. She wasn’t exactly confident in her own skills. But the Quarren wasn’t a mentor. He wanted that crystal.

“Give it to me, Alara. I will take care of it for you, make it sharp and precise for your weapon.” He extended his hand as he requested the amber jewel. Alara’s own hand shook and reserved the crystal at first, but she dropped it into his hand and sighed with relief.

“If I do not have that crystal back within the seventh night, Lexiconus. I will come for you and I will murder you in your sleep. You will not know what day, or what time, or if at work or home. But I will end your life. And collect a debt owed.” She spoke with a confident purpose, but it didn’t phase Lexiconus. He brushed off the threat with a shrug of his shoulders, and stood from the rubble. Inspecting the crystal closer, he could see the flaws of its surface clearly, a small crack, a few scratches and chips, but nothing the droids of the workshop couldn’t clean up. The Battlemaster commanded the Force to tug his lightsaber back into his open hand, and approached the Human, his hand firmly on the hilt.

“What should I do about this small crack here? It may cause instability.” He placed it closer to her face, his lightsaber faced to her stomach. As Alara’s eyes inspected the severity of the crack, he quickly ignited his ruby blade and stabbed her with surgical precision. Her mouth gaped open in shock, choking on blood as her face went pale and her eyes widened. The Battlemaster swiftly yanked his blade through and out of her side, then shoved her to the ground.

“I will not be beaten by a simple, stupid Knight! You will rot in this cave as a reminder to all in Excidium! Imperium will never bow down to your scoundrel ilk!” He roared into her pale face, but Alara was already gone. Lexiconus wiped the blood from his gills and started to head for the exit. He reached into his waistcloth and pulled a holocommunicator out, and the image of a commander appeared. He saluted promptly, and awaited his order.

“Dispatch a shuttle to pick me up from the Ilum crystal cave, I’ll place a flare for you to see.” Lexiconus ordered as he tried to catch his breath, the commander nodded to someone off-screen and the Quarren turned off his device. It was time to leave this tomb.

I need a shower, or just a soak in the bay. Maybe a bottle of port…

Korroth, 13 September, 2016 9:21 PM UTC

Syntax

walked back to the crystals, noticing a yellow crystal glowing brightly.

Some repetition here. You could use an approximate synonym like "stone" or describe it by its shape, e.g. yellow fragment/shard/flake.

stirred into the beauty.

You probably meant stared into the beauty. A careful proofread might have rectified this.

Lexiconus ordered as he tried to catch his breath, the commander nodded to someone off-screen and the Quarren turned off his device.

Somewhat of a run-on sentence, could have been split after to catch his breath.

Continuity

Her bloodshot eyes

A nice little reminder of the dust lifted up by Alara's crash landing.

Realism

as he talked her down from the rage

Lexiconus does not have any Skill in Subterfuge or Manipulation, while Alara is well trained in Perception. This means that she can spot when someone is trying to influence her. If it wasn't for the sentence quoted above, I would have said Alara was calming down on her own. However, that statement signals a lapse in Realism. The same counts for Lexiconus convincing Alara to give him the crystal, and later when he uses it to trick her. Remember that, while actions related to Subterfuge and Manipulation can be difficult to “measure,” the opposite character’s Perception makes the result of the interaction much more objective.