Seer Qor Palpatine vs. Savant Tisto Kingang

Seer Qor Palpatine

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Quarren, Force Disciple, Techweaver
vs.

Savant Tisto Kingang

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
Comment

Thank you both for participating and seeing this match through to completion.

This match was confusing for me, as a reader, in a lot of places. There were jarring shifts, one-sided portrayals, and a disregard for plot threads that just left them tossed around and unresolved. There was no real "why" to this match other than the annoyance triggering a rather harsh reaction from Tisto in the first post.

With all that, I was never pulled into this match beyond the surface at any point. It was like watching a few things happen without any understanding of why, how, or where this was going. That's a bad place to be as a reader. I was almost as bad off as the bystanders. Still, there was proper flow of story with a beginning, middle, and end. In that way, it wasn't a total loss in that category. It would be good to see this improved in the future.

With the scores settled, the winner is Qor Palpatine.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Qor Palpatine, Savant Tisto Kingang
Winner Seer Qor Palpatine
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Qor Palpatine's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Tisto Kingang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Naboo: Jan-gwa City
Last Post 21 July, 2017 5:30 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Qor Kith Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Issues throughout, not all of which were identified through the comments. Rationale: Issues throughout, not all of which were identified through the comments.
Story - 40%
Qor Kith Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: While you endeavored to have action throughout, you never granted any motivation for Qor and none was provided by the opponent. You introduced a plot thread regarding "profit" that never gets resolved after being mentioned. The entire flow is confusing, and the jarring character shift in your first post was problematic. Rationale: The utter lack of action in your first post was the biggest hit. Then you have Qor, more or less, being a punching bag for much of your writing. Other instances of this one-sided writing come from the convenience of just not having Qor use his abilities.
Realism - 25%
Qor Kith Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: Issue regarding the vice-grip teeth maneuver in the final post.
Continuity - 20%
Qor Kith Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: None that were noted. Rationale: None that were noted.
Qor Kith's Score: 3.9 Grand Inquisitor Tisto Kingang's Score: 3.65
Posts

Naboo Jan-gwa City

Unlike the Gungan’s submerged capital below Naboo, Jan-gwa rests partially underwater; the majority of the city rests above the water’s surface. A waterfall runs along the cliffs behind Jan-gwa, creating a veil of mist around the base of the city’s rounded platforms. Nocturnally illuminated, domed structures encompass the center of each platform and are home to Jan-gwa’s Gungan inhabitants. Some of the these structures extend below the water’s surface, creating an anchor that keeps Jan-gwa from floating with the currents and provides shelter to hundreds of Gungans.

Etched into the cliff walls are several faces of unknown origin. Resembling a humanoid with unembellished features, these carvings are not reminiscent of the city’s Gungan inhabitants—perhaps an indication that some other civilization might have resided near the floating city.

Tisto walked through the streets of Jan-gwa angrily. He had come here due to rumors of plasma weapons, unlike the rank and file blaster. With the turmoil escalating due to the disappearance of Pravus, he wanted some uncommon weapons for his gang. Unfortunately that rumor had proved to be false, having wasted his time in this half submerged city. The biker brushed past another gungan, looking for something worthwhile before he contacted his ride. A street shop caught his eye. It had two words written in Aurebesh; Tea Shop. The biker smiled and walked over, immediately feeling better about his day.

“Hello,” he said to the gungan owner. “What teas do you have?”

“Wesa just have kopi tea sir,” the gungan replied. “Not many people come here.”

Tisto nodded, and pulled several credchips from his pocket. Each one was worth fifty credits, and would have paid for several cups of tea on their own, yet Tisto placed them all in a heap on the stand.

“One kopi tea then please,” the biker said. “Keep the change, I won’t be needing it.”

The shopkeeper stared at the pile and quickly handed over a cup of warm tea without a word. Tisto smiled as he took the cup and walked off, taking a sip. He started walking towards the edge of the bubble like district, stopping next to a hunched over Quarren.

“Interesting city is it now?” the biker said making small talk.

“Yes yes,” the Quarren responded without looking. “I wonder what those carvings could have been of. Do you know?”

“Great heroes,” Tisto said, saying the first thing that came to his mind. “But that's a guess really. Who are you friend?”

“The name’s Qor,” the Quarren said, turning around to look at who he was talking to. Qor’s eyes focused on the armorweave jacket. “Are you… part of a gang?”

“Yes,” Tisto replied, shuddering at the bluntness of the question. “I run a swoop gang actually. We are called the Void Snakes.”

“So you are a criminal?” the Seer asked, his face showing a strange mix of fear and curiosity. “Have you killed anyone? How many races have you won? Is…”

“Too many questions squid,” the biker replied taking another sip of tea.

“Are you drinking an alcoholic beverage?” Qor asked, his hands flying to the side as if trying to avoid being near the biker. The Quarren’s hands struck the cup, causing tea to spill on Tisto’s jacket.

Everything seemed to snap in Tisto’s mind just then. His day had been a miserable slog through this stupid city, with the only good thing having been that tea stand. Then this damn squid had to ruin the one good thing about the day, plus stain his jacket. The biker grabbed the collar of the Quarren’s cloak, pulling him face to face.

“Listen here squid,” he yelled. “You either pay for this jacket’s cleaning or I toss you into the water.”

Darth Renatus, 30 July, 2017 7:53 PM UTC

Syntax

Unfortunately[,] that rumor had proved to be false, having wasted his time in this half submerged city.

Need a comma after the introductory phrase.

Tisto smiled as he took the cup and walked off, taking a sip. He started walking towards the edge

Repetitious use of "walk" here. Change it up to keep the writing interesting for the reader.

I'm not flagging it, but you have a lack of comma use in your dialogue throughout. When you call someone "sir" or "squid" at the end of dialogue, it should come after a comma.


Story

I have to point out the pacing of the conflict you're setting up here. You didn't even rub up against the word cap so we can't attribute it to that, you just didn't bother planning for it. This is a 2+2 format match. In simplest terms, that means the story lasts three posts. Two of yours, one from your opponent. When you only have that much space to tell a story, you should have a good body of action going on in your opening post. A few paragraphs at least, though it's a good rule of thumb to attribute half your post to it. This post, as it is, is all set-up with no actual conflict, save for the sudden threat at the end. You are clearly trying to play to the Aspects of both characters, which is good, but there isn't anything going on here except set-up. There's no payoff and you put the meat of the fight on your opponent entirely.


General

Void Snakes.

Your jacket item aspect calls them the "Void Serpents". Not giving you a hit on this, as it's not really part of the Realism category (though you better call them Void Snakes for the rest of the match). Just want to remind you to keep such things consistent in your material.

The Quarren remained unsurprised by the Kiffar who yanked him from his feet, and stared into his bright hazel eyes.

“Why? Was it expensive? Did you make it? Did you steal it from a man you killed?” Qor persisted with the questions. Tisto’s mouth turned into a frown as he furrowed his brow in frustration.

“Better put a sock in it, squid, or you’ll be eating boot leather!” Tisto growled. Again, the Quarren remained steady. Qor placed his rough hands on the Kiffar’s jacket and smiled brightly.

“I am sure that your brothers love it. Who did you say you stole it from, again?” Qor teased the Savant and watched as his teeth gritted. His knuckles turned white against his medic uniform.

Qor grinned devilishly as the Kiffar turned red in anger. Pressing his palms firmly against Tisto’s chest, ignoring the slender frame of his muscles, and concentrated. Pushing his arms straight out as the Force blasted a telekinetic wave against the Kiffar. The Gray Jedi spun and tumbled backwards, smashing into a couple of benches. The Gungans quickly jumped from their conversation and snarled at the man.

“Looka what yousa did!”

“Yousa destroyed mysa party!”

Yousa will pay big-bad for this!”

The group of Gungans began to slap and pound their fists into the Kiffar in anger while Qor chuckled as he watched. The Kiffar bounced back to his feet, and the Quarren saw a build up of crinkles in his face as he began to storm back to Qor. Reaching into his pouch and yanked out a small but sturdy vial of poison from his pocket which he couldn’t read at the time.

“What’s that you got in your hand, eh? Another fancy Sith toy?” Tisto snarled, as his lips turned out and spittle flew across the floor.

Sith? I ain’t no Sith Qor thought. He then felt the yanking of Tisto’s rough hands against him, as the Kiffar tugged the Seer from the floor and tossed him into the nearby fountain. Qor tumbled through the water and settled near the far edge, finding it quite blissful to breathe in the water again. The Seer then stood slowly and noticed that Tisto was stamping towards him. He also noticed, due to the obvious lack of glass in his hand, that the vial had disappeared. The Kiffar strapped on a pair of gloves as he laughed at the Quarren.

“This is gonna hurt, squid. You’re gonna wish you never did that.”

Maybe. But it won’t hurt me, Qor thought as he reserved a grin.

Tisto rushed forward as the water soaked his pants and jacket, then coiled a fist down and slammed the glove up into Qor’s jaw. Tendrils of electricity raced across the Quarren’s face and gills as he arched backwards and back into the water again. His palm felt the hard edges of glass again, which he grabbed tightly onto.

“Give up already? Good, then stay down,” Tisto sighed as he took a step back and turned to the Gungans.

As the Kiffar was talking with the group of Gungans he collided with, Qor slowly stood and wiped the blood from his mouth. With the thin cylinder of the poison in his hand, he slowly walked towards the Savant. His attempt at stealth was not going to plan. The splashing of water against his ape-like movements caused Tisto to slowly turn.

“Listen, squid. I am not here to make enemies. We can talk this out. Now let me buy you a drink,” A shift in emotion caused Tisto to raise his voice at the Quaestor in friendly submission. Tisto smiled as he offered his hand. However, Qor wasn’t here for friends, or allies, or anything of this sort. Today was all about one thing; profit.

Qor limped up to the Kiffar, then grabbed him by the collar of his jacket and smirked.

“If you want peace, prepare for war,” Qor then arched his spare hand around and tossed the poison vial into Tisto’s face. Shards of glass and green fluid exploded from Tisto’s forehead as the vial shattered into his skin. The red of blood and green of the poison covered the Kiffar’s face, who grabbed his face and shrieked in shock.

Darth Renatus, 30 July, 2017 8:10 PM UTC

Syntax

His knuckles turned white against his medic uniform.

The context is lost here with "his" referring to two different people. It reads as "Qor" or as "Tisto" both.

Pressing his palms firmly against Tisto’s chest, ignoring the slender frame of his muscles, and concentrated.

Reaching into his pouch and yanked out a small but sturdy vial of poison from his pocket which he couldn’t read at the time.

You dance from past to present tense in these examples. You can trail with an "-ing" action, but starting with it changes the tense of the whole sentence, especially when you end with "-ed".

Yousa will pay big-bad for this!”

The leading quote mark ran off with Carmen Sandiego.

Sith? I ain’t no[,] Sith Qor thought.

Should have a comma here, since this is the same structure as "Qor said". It's a good way to remember.

Qor tumbled through the water and settled near the far edge, finding it quite blissful to breathe in the water again.

Repetition of "water" without enhancing the story.

stamping towards him.

This should be "stomping" to make it past tense.

“If you want peace, prepare for war,” Qor then arched his spare hand around and tossed the poison vial into Tisto’s face.

The dialogue should end with a period here, since these are their own contained sentences. You are describing an action following the dialogue.


Story

You do a good job of making the majority of your post action, even interspersing the venue and its NPCs into the flow. However, there are two things that are odd. No motivation was ever presented for Qor being there, prior to this post. In one of the final paragraphs you get around to mentioning that Qor was there for profit. How so? This is even more confusing than having no motivation up till now. It creates more questions without really providing an answer. Beyond that, the sudden shift from Tisto literally beating Qor down to suddenly offering drinks and chatting it out makes no sense whatsoever. It is a sudden and jarring shift without context.

Tisto quickly took his hands off his face. Whatever had just got thrown at him made his face burn when his hands had touched it. It’s probably a poison, he thought to himself.

The Kiffar hit the Quarren in the face with a left hook, sending a small electric current through the alien's head, despite the alien’s attempt to dodge. Qor arched back, releasing the Kiffar. Tisto followed it up with a right handed blow to the squidman’s stomach. The Quarren gasped as the electric current ran along the skin that surrounded the blow. Not stopping, Tisto stomped on one of Qor’s feet, hitting the alien in the head with his elbow. The biker released the pressure on the foot, pushing the Quarren back.

“What's wrong?” Tisto asked venomously, raising his fists. “Can’t win a fight without fraking cheating?”

The biker saw Qor raise his hand as if to use the Force, and decided to respond in kind. Tisto spread the fingers on his left hand, creating a protective barrier with the Force as a telekinetic shove came from his opponent. Without hesitation, Tisto leapt back in, leading with a right hook to the ribs. The Quarren dodged to Tisto’s left, acting like he had seen the blow. The biker countered with a kick from his left leg, hitting the Quarren.

“I don’t even need my lightsaber to beat a coward like you!” the biker screamed, calling on the Force.

Qor reached for his own lightsaber, now that the weapon had been brought up. He didn’t want to use it, but he couldn’t keep up with the shocks from the biker’s gloves. Just before his hand touched the weapon, Tisto ripped it from the Quarren’s belt using the Force. Catching it, Tisto tossed it back, sending it flying from view. He saw the Quarren look to his own belt where his lightsaber rested. Not willing to risk losing that special weapon to this squid, the biker punched Qor in his stomach.

“Please stop,” Qor begged as the electric current ran through him. “Can I take that drink now?”

Tisto responded with another punch to the Quarrens stomach. Qor twitched as the electricity ran through him. After repeated blows he was starting to loose feeling to his stomach. Tisto hit Qor’s temple with a left hook, sending the shock across the Quarrens face. Qor twitched again, his vision starting to blur.

“Giving up so soon?” Tisto spat.

Qor punched Tisto in the face, hoping the poison would help before he went down from the relentless Kiffar. The punch felt like being jabbed by a hot iron, and Tisto cried out as the punch hit. Lead by something the biker couldn’t understand, Tisto bit down just as the Quarren’s hand was leaving, his teeth smashing the rubbery skin of the hand. Without releasing Qor’s hand from his mouth, Tisto punched his foe’s face repeatedly.

The Quarren’s vision faded after the repeated shocks. He fell unconscious as they continued. It wasn’t until Qor was unconscious that Tisto released the rubbery hand from his bite and stopped the assault. He saw the Gungans watching his as he stood over the unconscious Quarren.

“He made himself my enemy,” he said before they could approach him. “I am going to make sure he never forgets.”

Before they could respond, Tisto began to search the Quarren’s robes, locating and pocketing several credchips. After he was done, he pulled the arcwelder from his belt and turned it on. Without hesitating, Tisto took one of Qor’s arms and put the flame on it. He pinned the squidman down with his legs, as the searing pain woke Qor up with a scream. Tisto began to move the arc welder, drawing out a burn to look like a skull and crossbones.

“Never forget who I am squid,” Tisto said as he burned Qor’s skin. “And if you see me again, run.”

Once he finished, he turned the arcwelder off and brushed his way past the gathering of Gungans. He ignored their looks of terror and their drawn weapons as he walked in the direction of his ship.

“I’m going home and getting off this miserable swamp.”

Darth Renatus, 30 July, 2017 8:38 PM UTC

Syntax

to the Quarrens stomach.

Unless he multiplied at some point and you're now punching a couple of Qors, this should be possessive.

After repeated blows[,] he was starting to [lose] feeling to his stomach.

This should have a comma after the introductory phrase and only one "o" in "lose".

The punch felt like being jabbed by a hot iron, and Tisto cried out as the punch hit.

Repetition of "punch".

He fell unconscious as they continued. It wasn’t until Qor was unconscious that Tisto released the rubbery hand from his bite and stopped the assault. He saw the Gungans watching his as he stood over the unconscious Quarren.

Repetition of "unconscious" here.


Story

Qor reached for his own lightsaber, now that the weapon had been brought up. He didn’t want to use it, but he couldn’t keep up with the shocks from the biker’s gloves. Just before his hand touched the weapon, Tisto ripped it from the Quarren’s belt using the Force. Catching it, Tisto tossed it back, sending it flying from view. He saw the Quarren look to his own belt where his lightsaber rested. Not willing to risk losing that special weapon to this squid, the biker punched Qor in his stomach.

Both characters have +4 Telekinesis. There's nothing stopping Qor pulling the same stunt or calling his saber back to hand while it is travelling through the air. That creates a lazy narrative here, without outright contradicting an ability Qor has since he didn't use any.


Realism

Lead by something the biker couldn’t understand, Tisto bit down just as the Quarren’s hand was leaving, his teeth smashing the rubbery skin of the hand. Without releasing Qor’s hand from his mouth, Tisto punched his foe’s face repeatedly.

To start, I have no idea what's going on in the beginning here. I'm leaning towards an attempt at Precog usage. However, the bite and holding on after is something that stretches the bounds of Realism. It's hard enough to swallow someone being "with it" enough to bite down on the retreating hand, but it is still clenched as a fist as far as the narrative is concerned. There isn't a lot of meaty tissue to hold on to, let alone enough to maintain a grip while you pummel them back.

Qor sprang away from the screams of Tisto and leapt over the lip of the fountain, then ran a safe distance away as he chuckled in delight. He reached into his pouch to search for the second vial, finding the fragile glass and yanking it out.

Philtre of the Lost it read.

But that means he has the Sarlaac’s kiss running through his veins. This should be wonderful to watch! Qor chuckled to himself as he clapped softly, then placed the vial back into his pouch.

“Squid! Gah! Where are you!” Tisto roared as he tried to step from the fountain. Due to a temporary loss of sight, the Kiffar stumbled forward and tripped on the fountain lip. His head and arm slammed into the floor heavily, which caused the nearby Gungans to gasp and gather in a crescent.

“Is hesa okee-day?”

“Wheresa is a doctor? Thisa man is boo-boo’d!”

“No you clumsy, hesa just drunkin!”

The Gungans squabbled and bickered about the Kiffar, who managed to slowly find his feet and glared at Qor. To the Quarren it wasn’t pretty, as he could see the vial still stuck to a cut in his forehead. A large amount of blood was blinding his left eye as a swelling began to grow from the cut’s source.

I should aim for his left side, he can’t see attacks from there, Qor thought as he slowly pulled out his saberstaff. The revealing of the weapon was not subtle enough, as many of the Gungans began to gasp loudly. They then shrieked and began to flee in terror at the sight of the weapon.

“I told you I do not want to fight, but you leave me no choice!” Tisto growled as the VROOM of his lightsaber echoed the area. Empty apart from some lone Gungans who anxiously waited, eager to see some carnage or a rare Jedi battle.

Qor then scurried forward as best he could which seemed rather pitiful to Tisto. With the saberstaff hilt in hand, Qor hopped towards Tisto and swung for his ribcage. The Savant seemed to subconsciously know about Qor’s attack and twisted himself around. His bright lightsaber blade snapped across and sliced Qor’s weapon into two pieces.

“Oh damn, why did you murder my weapon?” Qor grumbled.

Tisto shoved the Quarren back and span around again, the tip of his lightsaber cutting a tentacle from the Quarren’s jaw. Qor wailed out as the Force began to comfort him. His pulsating and hot pain began to cool into nothing more than an itch against his chin, as Qor’s body controlled its own pain.

“This is useless, squid! Stand down or I will kill you,” Tisto panted as the blood against his face thickened. Qor noticed that the Kiffar was slowly arching forward and flinching in pain, while his hands shook against the lightsaber.

I see the poison is slowly progressing, Qor thought.

“Okay fine, I will not fight. But you owe me a new saberstaff. These things are expensive and I will not have some simpleton destroying my only defence,” Qor lectured the Kiffar as he slowly walked back around and to the fountain.

“I am not paying for that, you attacked me and I reacted. If anything you should be paying for my hospital bills!” Tisto replied as he gritted his teeth, while the pain of using his lips caused him to whimper.

“Fine, then I shall treat your wounds myself. But that will still cost you, medicine isn’t free here.” Qor slowly got back into the fountain as Tisto’s eyes followed him. Qor’s arm yanked back as the Force swirled and grew to his arm, while the Kiffar began to feel more pain each second. Using the strength in the Force, Qor slammed his palm down into the water as a telekinetic wave washed the pair heavily.

“Owie! Karabast!”

The white water rained down onto Tisto’s face, who keeled onto his knees in agony, as if acid had soaked his skin.

“It was nice knowing you, Tisto. Just call me and book that appointment!” Qor shouted back as he rolled over the lip of the fountain and away. The Quarren raced to the edge of the bubble and looked back one more time, just to see Tisto stumble onto his feet. With a smile, Qor dived through the bubble and swam into the darkness of the ocean’s salt waters.

Darth Renatus, 30 July, 2017 8:56 PM UTC

Syntax

Philtre of the Lost[,] it read.

Should have a comma here.

To the Quarren[,] it wasn’t pretty,

Comma after the introductory phrase.

The revealing of the weapon was not subtle [...] at the sight of the weapon.

Repetition of "weapon".

Empty apart from some lone Gungans who anxiously waited, eager to see some carnage or a rare Jedi battle.

As a stand alone sentence, this reads awkwardly as there is no telling what the "empty" is referring to, though I assume it's the "area".

Qor then scurried forward as best he could[,] which seemed rather pitiful to Tisto.

Need a comma here.


Story

“Owie! Karabast!”

This was so child-like that it took me right out of things. You would think someone gang related would use something more... obscene than "owie" when in extreme pain.