Savant Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind vs. Warden Celevon Edraven Erinos

Savant Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Naga Sadow
Female Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Consular
vs.

Warden Celevon Edraven Erinos

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Shadow
Comment

Thank you both for participating in this first phase of the ACC's GJW event!

As you can tell from the score breakdown, both of you were fairly evenly matched in this battle. You both had a minor realism detractor (both in your final posts, oddly enough), and you both unfortunately had a number of syntax errors. What set you apart was in the story itself. Celevon, the story you wrote across the two posts was interesting to read and made good use of the setting and each character's sheets. Lilith, you did some interesting things as well - I liked your ending in particular - but there just wasn't enough of it to bring you up from a 3. You left a lot of space in your available word count, and I'd advise trying to push to get closer to it next time. For both of you, I'd also highly recommend linking up with others in your Clans to assist with proofreading - some of the best ACCers do it, and it certainly shows in their efforts!

The winner of this battle is Celevon Edraven Erinos.

Hall Phase I: Winds of Change [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [GJW XII Event Long] Combat Writing - ACC Ladder
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind, Warden Celevon Edraven Erinos
Winner Warden Celevon Edraven Erinos
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warden Celevon Edraven Erinos's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Hoth: Ice Cave
Last Post 24 July, 2017 3:09 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae
Syntax - 15%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Multiple spelling and grammar errors throughout. Rationale: Multiple spelling and grammar errors throughout.
Story - 40%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: The action was mostly enjoyable and I thought you wrote both characters in a fairly interesting manner. Rationale: I don't feel I really got to know Lilith that well from your posts. Expanding on them, especially in your first post, would have certainly helped here. As it was, there just wasn't enough story to warrant a higher mark.
Realism - 25%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: One minor issue noted in the final post (writing her usage of TK in the midst of battle when she's only got it at +2). Rationale: One minor issue noted in the final post (writing him as half-Chiss instead of half-Echani).
Continuity - 20%
Adept Celevon Werd'a Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues noted. Rationale: No issues noted.
Adept Celevon Werd'a's Score: 4.05 Lilith Alema'rha Versea-Stormwind's Score: 3.65
Posts

Hoth Ice Cave

On the fringes of the Outer Rim territories and famous for being the one-time location of the Rebel Alliance, Hoth is a frigid world marred with fissures created from the tidal pull of Hoth’s three moons. Blanketed in a frozen ocean, massive oceanic currents beneath the southern hemisphere are the cause of constant seismic activities that result in a constantly shifting landscape of tunnels and caves.

Buried into the side of a fissure reaching hundreds of meters into the core of the planet is a network of tunnels leading into a cave. Its sole entrance is suspended within the wall of the fissure, requiring one to rappel down the dangerous crevasse and into the tunnels; one small miscalculation could send explorers descending the rest of the unmeasured height deep within the planet’s core.

Hoth Ice Cave

Insulated under several hundred meters of ice in all directions, the cave is protected against the gale force winds and the intense snowstorms that sweep along the planet’s surface. As a result, the cave is warmer than most of Hoth’s unforgiving cold with melting icicles dangling precariously overhead. In turn, this allows for more life to grow in addition to being a promising habitat for the hulking wampas that have been trapped this far below the surface. Beginning to thaw, it is obvious that this cave will eventually fall victim to seismic activity and disappear into the sheets of ice that surround it. Illuminating the cave’s interior with a dull blue glow, the luminous forms of lichen have taken up residence among the bones of the creatures unfortunate enough to be trapped here.

Caution must be exercised if one is to navigate the slippery slopes of the cave as melted icicles drip onto the cavern’s floor surface. In one corner of the cave, the ocean water has accumulated to form a large pool, providing sustenance to the rare lumni-spice growing within the crystalline complex, never to see the blue-white sun.

The Onderonian paused to stare at the massive underground lake of an unknown depth; for all Celevon knew, it could travel down to the core of the planet itself. He had been assigned a task to retrieve an artifact detected in the area, and had nearly slipped into a crevice hundreds of feet above his head, which had been hidden under a thin layer of snow. Since it was near where the artifact had been detected, Celevon had been forced to rappel down after he failed to locate a safer entrance.

“Important artifact or not, I’m not swimming in that pool of icy hell to find it,” the half-Echani muttered to himself, visually scanning the banks for anything that stood out.

Celevon was drawn from his search by an echo of sound from the tunnels behind him. The impact alone would have been easy to ignore, as he had been hearing loose bits of ice tumblr down since his descent. The ignition of a lightsaber, however, was unnatural in the near silence. Prior to that, all the Aedile heard was the occasional drip from the melting stalactites overhead and the faint howl of the distant wind.

Though what was said was indiscernible, the Onderonian was able to make out what was unmistakably a woman’s voice. A small grin curved Celevon’s lips as mercurial eyes closed, drawing upon energies of the Force as he brought up an image from his past.


As the Sorceress entered the icy cavern, Lilith deactivated the emerald lightsaber she had been using as a source of light. She heard the sound of someone moving as the hilt was returned to her belt. It took a moment for the Savant’s gaze to adjust to the light and spot a blonde on the opposite bank of the underground body of water.

Lilith observed the woman in what appeared to be a black bodysuit, hands covered by leather gloves. She appeared to be digging, long platinum blonde locks bound in a long braid over her shoulder.

The chill she felt as her gaze went from the dancer’s physique had nothing to do with ambient temperatures as the other woman lifted what was clearly a holocron, using a thumb to clear the edges of melting ice. “I believe that’s mine,” Lilith spoke up, voice raised.

Jade green eyes turned her way, sparkling with amusement. As the woman smiled at her, tucking the artifact away, the Sorceress got the distinct impression that something was... off about the blonde. “You will have to pry it from my cold, lifeless fingers. This little trinket will fetch a nice price on the black market.”

If that was the way she wanted to play, Lilith was more than happy to oblige as she drew her blaster pistol and fired. The blonde somersaulted, smile growing larger as she started to run along the edge of the water.

The Battleteam Leader faltered from firing when the woman flipped over an obstruction, features that appeared to melt into—

An illusion!

A man with silver eyes grinned at her as he continued running toward her position. Lilith squeezed off a few more shots at his midsection, only for the half-Echani to run up a stalagmite and launch himself off of it into a somersault over the bolts.

Celevon drew closer and, when the Sorceress lined up a shot, he extended a hand and telekinetically ripped the weapon from her grasp. As the blaster skidded across the ice, she drew the lightsaber from her belt and ignited the blade. When he got close enough, Lilith slashed downward as the half-Echani grasped something from his lower back and spun, deflecting the humming beam.

The Onderonian held the blade pointed down in his right, free hand open as he continued to appear amused but ready for a fight. The female took in the green-hued blade of the dagger, momentarily frowning at the fact that she hadn’t cut through it. “Just how much do you want that little trinket?”

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 13 August, 2017 7:52 PM UTC

...as he had been hearing loose bits of ice tumblr down since his descent.

tumble* (though tumblr is funnier to me for some reason)

She heard the sound of someone moving as the hilt was returned to her belt.

I'm not counting it as a detractor, but I don't really like the use of the passive voice here.

It took a moment for the Savant’s gaze to adjust to the light and spot a blonde on the opposite bank of the underground body of water.

A blonde what? :)

The Battleteam Leader faltered from firing when the woman flipped over an obstruction, features that appeared to melt into—

Weird tense issues at the end of this sentence. I think it should be "featuring appearing to melt"

An illusion!

You've got Illusion at +2 on your CS. For me, it's borderline on whether or not that's enough to do what you're doing here. We generally give the benefit of the doubt in cases like this to the writer, so I'm not going to count it as a detractor. Just keep it in mind for the future.

“Well, well, well. What an impressive array of tricks you have. Do you always feel the need to show off?” Lilith responded to the man standing in front of her as she took a small step back in order to take in more of the situation.

Celevon thought great, I end up in an ice cave with a chatty female as he looked at the woman with a hint of disdain in his eyes at her question

Seeing the Lotus emblem on his armor, she once again looked at the Sith dagger that he wielded. “That’s a different kind of weapon for a Jedi to be carrying,” she commented. Lilith extended her right hand, never taking her eyes off the man in front of her, wiggled her fingers, concentrated, and called her blaster back to her from where it had landed. Catching the blaster as it flew back to her hand and holstering it, she finally replied to his question. “As for the trinket, I WILL be leaving here with it.”

“That was a nice little trick yourself,” he said as he waved his hand about indicating her use of the Force to retrieve her weapon in the same manner that he had taken it from her. “But as I said before, you will have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.”

With that statement, the Onderonian brought his dagger up and quickly slashed out at the Savant. Lilith sensing his intention, bent backward at the last moment avoiding what would have been a very painful wound. The Battleteam Leader shifted away to give herself some room and brought up her lightsaber again. Gripping her lightsaber with both hands, Lilith forcefully started swinging at the Warden in an aggressive manner. Taking advantage of the longer reach of the blade, she kept him on the defensive all the while backing him across the room.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 13 August, 2017 7:59 PM UTC

Celevon thought great, I end up in an ice cave with a chatty female as he looked at the woman with a hint of disdain in his eyes at her question

You're missing a period at the end of the sentence. Also, you generally want to punctuate thoughts similar to conversation. Because of that, you'd want to capitalize the "G" in "great" and I'd put a comma after "female".

Lilith extended her right hand, never taking her eyes off the man in front of her, wiggled her fingers, concentrated, and called her blaster back to her from where it had landed.

With TK at +2, I appreciate you showing concentration here to use the power. However, you're trying to cram a bit too much into one sentence and so it turns into a syntax issue.

Lilith sensing his intention, bent backward at the last moment avoiding what would have been a very painful wound.

It should either be "Lilith, sensing his intention, bent..." or "Sensing his intention, Lilith bent..."

The half-Echani ducked beneath a horizontal slash of the emerald lightsaber, then leapt aside to avoid the follow-up vertical motion. Even without using the Force to skim his opponent’s surface thoughts, Celevon knew that the Sorceress was growing frustrated.

Lilith growled, power coiling almost visibly within her palm before she slammed her open hand against the floor of the cave.

More frustrated, the Onderonian mentally conceded as he stumbled back. A warning screamed through the Force had Celevon diving to the left, seconds before a stalactite of ice shattered where he had been standing. If she isn’t careful, she’s going to collapse this damn cave—

Any thoughts were cut off when the Savant rushed in, lightsaber a rush of deadly intent as Lilith hacked and slashed at the nimble half-Echani. The Assassin mostly kept his distance, occasionally closing the distance to connect, drawing blood, only for the wound to close within moments of it being inflicted.

As the two fought, Celevon noticed his opponent slowing, her breathing becoming heavier and the aggressive onslaught steadily growing more clumsy. The Aedile decided to test this, making it seem as though he were going to block an overhand strike, only to step aside at the last moment.

Lilith stumbled from the lack of resistance she had been prepared for. Before she could regain her footing, the dagger slashed just below the back of her knee, digging in deep enough to sever the tendon. As the Sorceress fell to a knee, the Onderonian sliced through the exact same part behind her other knee.

Despite being unable to remain upright, the Savant lashed out with her saber, only to have it telekinetically ripped from her grasp and flung across the cave. The dull thunk after the sound of it sliding across the ice told her it had landed in the underground lake. As the half-Echani circled around, Lilith glared defiantly. “Go on, then. Do it. Kill me,” she hissed from between clenched teeth, refusing to show fear or the pain she was in.

Celevon tilted his head to the side before slowly shaking it. “Not today. I got what I came here for,” he patted the pouch holding the holocron and returned the Sith Dagger to its sheath on his lower back. The Shadow turned and ran for the entrance to the cave.

Rage filled her veins at the casual dismissal, the butt of her blaster smacked into her palm before Lilith lifted and fired the weapon. In the exact moment that Lilith depressed the trigger, Celevon pivoted in place, lifted his gloved hands and brought them down. Whether the blaster bolt landed or not was indeterminable, as sheets of ice came crashing down a from the previously unstable roof and obscured the Battleteam Leader’s vision.

When it cleared, the Assassin was gone.

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 13 August, 2017 8:10 PM UTC

Lilith growled, power coiling almost visibly within her palm before she slammed her open hand against the floor of the cave.

I gave you the benefit of the doubt on Illusion at +2 in your opening post because you weren't in battle. Here, however, it's problematic. TK at +2, even with TK Pound, is not going to work in the middle of battle.

More frustrated, the Onderonian mentally conceded as he stumbled back.

I think this is supposed to be "frustration."

The Assassin mostly kept his distance, occasionally closing the distance to connect, drawing blood, only for the wound to close within moments of it being inflicted.

Like with Lilith in her first post, you're trying to cram a bit too much into this sentence. I think an easy solution here would be to write it as "...connect and draw blood, only..."

Rage filled her veins at the casual dismissal, the butt of her blaster smacked into her palm before Lilith lifted and fired the weapon.

See my comment above on this one as well.

...as sheets of ice came crashing down a from the previously unstable roof and obscured the Battleteam Leader’s vision.

Extraneous "a" after "down"

Feeling that this was going nowhere, Celevon pulled on the Force and vanished from sight. Lilith stumbled to a halt mid-swing. Looking around, she quickly put her back against the nearest wall so that she was protected from attack from behind. Deactivating her saber and snapping it back on her belt, she pulled her blaster from its holster again. Reaching out with all her senses, she could feel that he was still there in the cavern, somewhere.

“I know that you are still here,” she called to him. “I can feel you.” Suddenly feeling a sense of dread, she quickly called upon Force to create a shield around her. No sooner than it was in place she heard a trio of pings as several knives hitting the barrier and fell to the ground. Lilith, dropped her shielding and returned fire from the direction that the knives had come from, hitting the stalagmite where she felt he was hiding. Pieces of rock and ice flew up with each bolt, to rain back down onto the ground and the man that was behind it. Hearing him swear as he was hit with debris, she smiled and began to move closer, using the natural formations as camouflage.

Peeking around a chunk of ice, Lilith tried to get a good look at her adversary's hiding place. Celevon seized the opportunity and let fly with another knife. The Savant, unfortunately, didn't notice until it was too late. The knife grazed her ear as it flew by, the angle of the attack being the only reason it didn't hit her square on. Lilith ducked back clamping her hand on the wound.

That was close, she thought, too close. He's good with those knives. I'm not that great of a fighter. If I am going to defeat him, I'm going to have to out think him. While Lilith concentrated on healing her ear she kept in tune with the force trying to sense what his next move was going to be. After a couple of minutes, she had what she thought was a good plan.

Calling out to the half-Chiss, “I don't know about you, but I feel that we are at an impasse. I propose a truce.”

“I'm listening,” came the reply.

“I realize that I can't beat you, and I'd much rather go home than stay on this frozen rock any longer. So you let me leave without any more harm and you can have the artifact.”

“You're just giving up?” The Warden yelled back. “Just like that?”

“Yes, just like that. No artifact is worth my life.”

“Ok, I accept your truce on the condition that you leave the planet as soon as you are topside. I don't want any surprises waiting for me when I come up.”

“I swear on my oath as a healer,” Lilith told him. And with that, she carefully backed away towards the tunnel that she had originally come down. Making sure that she wasn't followed, the Battleteam Leader quick ascended to the top of the fissure. Once she pulled up her rope, she scanned the opening, seeing the rope that he had used she pulled it up also. With that, she headed to her shuttle. I said that I would leave right away so that there would be no surprises up top, I didn't say that he'd be able to make it to the top.

One week later

Lilith landed her shuttle on the surface of Hoth, smiling when she saw his craft still sitting there. Carefully making her way across the ice to the fissure, she secured her rope and rappelled back down into the tunnels. Quietly walking back towards the underground lake she found Celevon. THe man was frozen stiff, the artifact still clutched between frigid fingers. As she took the object from him, she smirked at the corpse.told him, “Well, you told me I could have it when I pried it from your cold, dead fingers.”

Adept Farrin Xies Tarentae, 13 August, 2017 8:17 PM UTC

Lilith, dropped her shielding...

No need for this comma.

Calling out to the half-Chiss...

He's a half-Echani, not a half-Chiss.

...the Battleteam Leader quick ascended to the top of the fissure.

quickly*

Once she pulled up her rope, she scanned the opening, seeing the rope that he had used she pulled it up also.

This isn't grammatically correct as written, but could easily be with some minor editing. Maybe a semicolon after "opening" or just rephrasing the last bit of the sentence.

THe man...

The*

As she took the object from him, she smirked at the corpse.told him...

I'm sure the comma here is a typo. If you replace it with "and" I think this works better.