Seer Kelly Mendes vs. Professional TuQ'uan Varick

Seer Kelly Mendes

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Professional TuQ'uan Varick

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kel Dor, Mercenary, Infiltrator
Comment

Fun little fight on both of your parts. Not bad at all.

The story was pretty conventional, not quite tropey but not far off, either.

TuQ'uan, take your time, work with your proofer, and make sure you read your opponent's post carefully, If not for the errors in your second post, syntax wise, and the dart debacle, you would have tied point-wise with Kelly.

Kelly, not a lot to tell you here. Outside of the soaring bit in your first post, you were pretty spot on, with minor errors in syntax here and there. I would have liked to see you play with the hallucinogenic stuff some more, it can give you a lot to work with.

With a score of 4.2 to 3.85, I declare Kelly Mendes the winner!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Kelly Mendes, Professional TuQ'uan Varick
Winner Seer Kelly Mendes
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Professional TuQ'uan Varick's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Jakku: Fallen Starship
Last Post 16 August, 2017 1:45 PM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Giyana Jurro TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Few commas here and there. Rationale: First post was pretty solid, second had numerous issues with commas.
Story - 40%
Dr. Giyana Jurro TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Not bad, bit rushed near the end and not a lot of tension to be found, though the character's mismatched levels of power can be blamed. Rationale: Overall a solid story. Your representation of hallucinogenic poison would have pulled this to a five, probably, if not for the issues.
Realism - 25%
Dr. Giyana Jurro TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Outside of the soaring bit in your first post, solid. Rationale: Overpowering Kelly's initial barrier got you a ding.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Giyana Jurro TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: As commented in your ending post, the dart issue.
Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 4.2 TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia's Score: 3.85
Posts

Jakku Fallen Starship

A year after the destruction of the second Death Star in the celebrated Battle of Endor, another war was waged between the New Republic and Galactic Empire. Basking beneath the desert sun of Jakku rests the remnants of this hostility. Shifting sands have since buried and uncovered countless treasures and relics- to the delight of scavengers eager who hope to recover tokens from either side of the conflict!

The harsh desert offers little shelter from the elements, remaining barren and flat against the imposing backdrop of a fallen Star Destroyer that was left uncovered after the famed Battle of Jakku. Rather than allowing the vessel to fall into the hands of the Republic after the self-destruct had been sabotaged, Captain Ciena Ree ordered the Inflictor evacuated and sent it crashing to the planet’s surface. Sunken into the shifting desert sea, the upper portion of the Inflictor’s hull and exhaust ports remain otherwise intact, preserved amidst the rubble of untold casualties that had once occurred on both sides. Although it has been scoured by the passing of several sandstorms, it still displays the former power and might of the Galactic Empire.

Fallen Starship

Innumerous scraps of metal and machines of war share the same grave, echoing the lives of those who fought and died among the perilous wastes. Hundreds of these relics sit untouched, lingering amidst the ghosts that tend and reside in Jakku’s graveyard.

The blazing sun beat down on the desert planet of Jakku, the warm breeze doing nothing to ease the relentless heat. TuQ’uan Varick shuffled through the sand along the top of a dune, pausing briefly in the shade offered by a half buried Tie Fighter well worn from decades spent in the harsh desert climate. The mercenary removed his hat and gazed down at the remains of the Star Destroyer that lay ahead, its massive, decrepit hull intersecting the dune below. Rumour had it that somewhere aboard the Inflictor an ancient Sith Artifact still remained hidden. TuQ’uan had it on good authority that a few members of the Dark Council would be more than willing to part with a large sum of credits to have it in their possession.

I should have landed closer, he grumbled inwardly. The shifting sands limited the number of safe places to land a shuttle in the area. Placing his hat back on his head he continued on his way across the top of the dune, looking for a safe place to make his way down.

The mercenary spotted a silhouetted shape a little ways ahead, as he approached he was able to make out the the human form before him looking down towards his destination. Slowing his step from its already sluggish pace, he drew his blaster.

“Kelly,” TuQ’uan broke the silence between them, attempting a conversational tone, with a little more edge than he intended, “funny running into you here.” He already knew the Seer was here for the same reason he was. Always looking to further her own career.

Kelly Mendes lifted her gaze from the Inflictor and turned to him, piercing emerald eyes filled with contempt as they bore down on him. Her dark lips formed a hard line. Kelly turned the rest of her body and took a step forward.

“Don't make me shoot you,” the mercenary raised his blaster and took as firm a stance as the sand allowed. Kelly’s deep brown hair bounced on her shoulders as she let out a laugh at the mere idea.

“Do you really think you could?” a sneer crept across her face, “look, I'll give you this offer once. Shoot me. If you don't kill me though, I will kill you.”

The Kel Dor hesitated for a moment before firing a volley of plasma at his enemy, he knew there would be a fight no matter what and he'd rather shoot first. Kelly’s face remained unfazed as the bolts ploughed into the invincible shield erected in front of her.

In a flash the human pulled out her shock whip and in one fluid movement lifted the handle above her head before pulling it down, cracking the whip, sending the tail flying through the air at the mercenary. Attempting to dodge the attack, TuQ’uan lept to the right but before he could get far the shock whip wrapped around his ankle sending electricity through his body, causing him to come crashing down face first in the sand.

The Kel Dor let out a groan, muffled by the sand in his face. The electricity was clouding his mind, making him groggy. The shock whip relieved its grasp on his ankle and began slithering away as Kelly prepared for another attack. Concentrating hard, TuQ’uan gathered his strength and pushed himself onto his back.

Kelly continued her menacing approach, readying her whip for a second attack. She lifted her arm and with a snap of her wrist brought the whip down, the Kel Dor was prepared this time and rolled out of the way narrowly avoiding the attack but forgetting how close he was to the edge of the dune. Rolling over the brink TuQ’uan began a chaotic slide through the sand towards the Star Destroyer.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 21 August, 2017 11:24 PM UTC

The Kel Dor hesitated for a moment before firing a volley of plasma at his enemy, he knew there would be a fight no matter what and he'd rather shoot first.

Syntax error, here. When using a species name, stick to one capitalization or another, but be consistent. You refer to Kelly as a human earlier, yet yourself as a Kel Dor here. Either she should have been a Human, or you a kel dor.

Kelly’s face remained unfazed as the bolts ploughed into the invincible shield erected in front of her.

I don't know if you meant to say invisible here, or if you're presenting Barrier as far more powerful than it is, I suspect the latter so this is a minor realism ding.

Tone wise you set up well, as well as the ambiance. Story wise you gave them a reason to fight; though your points of view get a bit harder to track in your last few paragraphs of combat. Try to focus more on how either your character is viewing what Kelly's is doing, or make it more clear who's perspective the reader is observing.

TuQ’uan tumbled down the dune with speed, his body rotating as it rolled towards the foot of the dune. The Kel Dor had been careless, but at least Kelly was still atop the dune. It gave the mercenary time to prepare. Granted, being somewhere without a crowd took away the ability to infiltrate from the man. TuQ’uan drew his lightsaber from his hip and ignited the weapon. He had somewhat studied blade work, the lightsaber being essentially a shiny sword in his hands. Looking up towards the dune, the Kel Dor saw Kelly had moved to the edge of the dune, looking down on him. Of course, she usually looked down on him figuratively because he wasn’t a user of The Force. Only now she wasn’t alone, a droid painted as black as the Kel Dor’s eyes stood next to her. It was holding a large shield in its left hand. If Kelly wasn’t already a threat, she was now. TuQ’uan wondered how he could defeat her.

Kelly looked across to her droid, an Imperial Sentry Droid, and grinned. The droid would likely be able to wear down, if not outright defeat TuQ’uan. Sure, it was bulkier than standard, but it had also been modified to excel in combat. Kelly pointed down to the Kel Dor, and the droid began making its way slowly down the dune towards TuQ’uan. It was the droid’s bulkiness ensuring it didn’t go into an uncontrolled fall like the mercenary. Meanwhile, Kelly deactivated the shock whip and furled it before placing it on the left side of her belt. The warm sun beat down mercilessly, luckily Kelly had applied plenty of suntan lotion to avoid the darkening of her pale skin. It was something of an odd fascination she had, but she couldn’t focus on the sun for too long. She heard a lightsaber being swung, it was TuQ’uan. It was nothing special, more being used as a sword than as the ultimate weapon it could be in the right hands. Still, it posed a danger to her droid. The riot shield could at best take a few weak hits before the energy portion faded and it just became a lump of metal. Kelly looked on as her droid began to walk away. Surprised initially, Kelly was relieved to find the droid was beginning to circle the Kel Dor, like a Sand-panther stalking its prey. Wanting a closer view of the action, Kelly soared through the sky, before guiding herself down gently at the foot of the dune.

Kelly looked at TuQ’uan, he was putting up a decent fight against the droid, but the droid wasn’t the main threat. The Quaestor had forced the junior leader into taking his eyes off her. Now was her chance to take advantage of that fact. Recoiling her arms, the Human felt the power coursing through her body. Her upper limbs now held behind her body at shoulder length apart, Kelly prepared to strike. Throwing her arms forward, a barrage of unseen energy crashed violently into the Kel Dor. Hitting him in the back, the energy flung TuQ’uan into the droid. The droid stumbled slightly, not anticipating it would be used as a duracrete wall. After seeing its master beckon, the Droid clunkily moved towards Kelly. TuQ’uan began to stir, having previously laid motionless on the sand. Kelly checked her dart launchers were loaded. The hallucination inducing poison covered the darts loaded into the launcher on her left wrist, while the other, mounted on her right wrist, was covered with a different poison. Kelly chuckled as she saw the alien reach his feet. His courage was admirable, but then maybe it was the same stubbornness she had seen from other Plagueians. Whatever the case, the Kel Dor needed to get something to land on Kelly.

TuQ’uan furiously began patting his sides, trying to find the EMP grenade he kept with him. Why hadn’t he used it sooner? Luckily, it was a different shape to the Sonic grenade he carried. Holding the EMP grenade in his hand, the Kel Dor set the timer and hurled it towards Kelly, who was stood next to the droid at this point. Kelly saw what was coming and rolled out of the way, her droid wasn’t quite so fortunate. Kelly had yelled at him to move, but he was too slow. The electromagnetic pulse short circuited the droid. It dropped the shield and its head dropped. Now TuQ’uan had managed to make it a one on one fight with Kelly. Now he just had to figure out how he could win, or at least survive. He glanced briefly to his left, towards the remnants of the Inflictor. That could be his chance if he forwent the battle and just headed to the objective.

TuQ’uan already had a head start on his opponent, things were going well. Not one to take chances, he pulled out his blaster and unleashed a volley of blaster bolts in the woman’s direction. Some came close, forcing Kelly to move out of the way. The rest harmlessly flew by. But they had served their purpose, the Kel Dor was almost inside the Inflictor’s engine. Kelly was taking a leisurely walk towards him, but she couldn’t hit him from that far out. TuQ’uan needed to hit the treadmill more, he was tiring rapidly. At least he would have some time to recover before Kelly would catch up to him. TuQ’uan looked out to track Kelly’s progress.

Kelly briefly stopped and glanced back at her deactivated droid. Having been to Jakku before she knew the dangers of scavengers just taking things that didn’t belong to them. Fortunately for her, the droid’s head rose, indicating it had come back online. It picked up the shield once more. Confident it could handle itself from there, Kelly turned back and continued her slow walk to TuQ’uan. She’d be in the range of his blaster soon, but the Kel Dor had expended too much energy to fire on her for now. Kelly strolled towards her foe with a sense of swagger. She had things well in hand, the artefact would be hers and Vahl would speak to nobody but her. That’s what she had told Kelly. It was likely TuQ’uan didn’t even know what the artefact did. But nonetheless, he was in the way and well on his way to being removed as a roadblock. It also couldn’t hurt to have him serve as a reminder of her power. Just to be safe, Kelly stopped just outside the range of the Professional’s blaster. She narrowed her eyes as she inspected the Kel Dor. He appeared to be almost in fighting shape again. Kelly yawned mockingly at the alien and awaited his return to combat.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 23 August, 2017 10:06 AM UTC

Of course, she usually looked down on him figuratively because he wasn’t a user of The Force.

Very minor syntax, we capitalize Force, you don't need to do the same to 'the.'

Kelly looked across to her droid, an Imperial Sentry Droid, and grinned.

Again, very minor, but you might want to come up with some more means to reference the droid (I see a name for it on your loadout, for example), as you refer to it as 'the droid' five times over the next couple of sentences.

Wanting a closer view of the action, Kelly soared through the sky, before guiding herself down gently at the foot of the dune.

I'll give you the 'soaring' as having the high ground and jumping, but Telekinesis doesn't allow you to manipulate how you move or land, as you can't affect yourself. Now Amplification allows you to take harder landings (this has been debated and discussed by the Judges to more extent than I'd like to admit), but I see nothing leading up to this that suggests the Force was in play.

It dropped the shield and its head dropped.

Short a comma in the compound here.

A bit of story and action to move things along here, though there was a lot of words and not a lot happening. Technically a good post, very few errors.

The Kel Dor paused for a brief moment inside the cavernous engines of the Inflictor to catch his breath and observe the Quaestor behind him. Standing just out of reach of his weapons, Kelly waited for him to make the same mistake again and initiate the combat, a smug smirk on her face. Unfortunately for her, he had learned his lesson the first time, and instead of attacking her in this wide open area, looked for an escape route leading further into the ship and closer to the artifact.

Less than halfway between the two TuQ’uan spotted exactly what he was looking for, a door sized hole off to his right with what appeared to be a hallway of some sort beyond. The only downside to this route is that it would take him closer to Kelly, but that was a risk he was going to take. The mercenary straightened his body, ignoring the growing pain from using Kelly's droid as a cushion, and took a deep breath before putting all of his strength into his legs and running as fast as he could for the hole in the engine walls. TuQ’uan misjudged the angle he was running at and bumped into the wall as he skidded into the hole, feeling just a brief sting upon impact, he had made it into the dark hall now and just had to work his way toward the front of the ship.

Kelly lowered her right wrist and began her pursuit of the mercenary, since he was going to run, she was going to have a little fun.

As TuQ’uan moved further into the downed Star Destroyer it began getting darker and darker, he wove through the half harvested interior attempting to shake his tail while still continuing to where his intel told him the artifact may be. No matter how hard he tried to lose Kelly he could always hear her slow footsteps just behind him.

Turning a corner the mercenary stopped as he came face to face with two Rodian scavengers in the process of cutting a piece of durasteel from the wall. Without stopping their work the two turned their heads and simply gazed at the Kel Dor, sending shivers down his spine, something wasn't right here. Having wasted too much time TuQ’uan turned and ran in the other direction, the Seer’s slow methodical footsteps getting louder all the time, she was somehow not just keeping pace with him but catching up.

The light was getting dim and he knew even if he got the artifact first, he would still need to face the Quaestor in order to get out of here. Coming into what appeared to be an old section of barracks mostly emptied from years of thievery, the professional decided one way or another it would end here.

The footsteps echoed through the durasteel interior, it almost sounded as if an army were growing on all sides, the mercenary could no longer tell which direction they originated from. He needed to find a way to get the drop on his enemy. Searching he found a few holes in the wall just to the left of the way he came in, that he could use for hand holds to climb into what remained of the ceiling. Finding a spot relatively close to the centre of the room the Kel Dor sprawled out on his stomach with a sonic grenade in hand.

As TuQ’uan patiently awaited the arrival of the Dark Jedi he could feel tiny insects crawling over his body, slowly making their way up his back towards his head. Unsure of where and when Kelly would appear, he dared not move.

Suddenly she was there in the room below him, there was a fiery red aura around her, and as she swept her gaze around the room her emerald eyes glowed. As the Human came to a stop inside the room, the echoes of footsteps continued to ring throughout the Star Destroyer’s decaying interior. TuQ’uan readied to throw the sonic grenade below, but as he did he could feel the insects begin crawling across his face, attempting to get beneath his antiox mask. Suddenly it became too much for the Kel Dor to handle, rolling over and brushing wildly at his face in an attempt to knock the bugs away, he began making a commotion drawing Kelly's attention upwards.

Taking a step back as she watched the mercenary flail wildly about, the Seer raised her open hands upwards before snapping her fists shut and yanking down at the open air. Using the Force, Kelly ripped the durasteel panel out from underneath TuQ’uan sending him into a free fall only to come crashing down on the floor below. Writhing in pain, the mercenary finally let the sonic grenade fall from his hand. Lines of concentration formed as Kelly threw her arms forward launching TuQ’uan towards the wall behind, the durasteel sheet and sonic grenade followed closely, the latter flying through a gap in the wall detonating off in the distance while the former flew wildly coming to a stop planted in the wall, bisecting the Kel Dor's legs.

Letting out screams of pain the mercenary collapsed to the floor yet again, rolling around, fighting for consciousness, the echoing footsteps finally subsiding.

“I warned you,” Kelly spoke casually. “Though I'd hoped you would put up more of a fight.”

The agony was becoming unbearable, TuQ’uan tried to raise his hand towards Kelly, reaching for her.

“Kill me,” he could barely whisper the words between screams of pain.

“I'll let you suffer a little while yet.” The Dark Jedi turned to leave. “Don't worry, I’ll check on you before I leave.”

Kelly walked out of the room with a slight spring in her step, it was another non-Force user gone from the galaxy, now she just had to finish what she came here to do. The Quaestor began whistling over TuQ’uan’s cries.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 23 August, 2017 10:37 PM UTC

Unfortunately for her, he had learned his lesson the first time, and instead of attacking her in this wide open area, looked for an escape route leading further into the ship and closer to the artifact.

Dropped a bit of a tense change, more an improper version of a verb with 'looked' where 'looking' would have been appropriate.

Kelly lowered her right wrist and began her pursuit of the mercenary, since he was going to run, she was going to have a little fun.

Bit bulky, would have served better to split every after Mercenary into a separate sentence.

No matter how hard he tried to lose Kelly he could always hear her slow footsteps just behind him.

Turning a corner the mercenary stopped as he came face to face with two Rodian scavengers in the process of cutting a piece of durasteel from the wall.

Missing commas here after the introductory portion of the sentences, both after 'Kelly' and 'Turning a corner,' you may need to speak back some of your writing to catch these things at first.

the Seer’s slow methodical footsteps getting louder all the time

Missing a comma after slow, here, when you have two adjectives (slow and methodical) describing or modifying a noun like this, you need to separate them out with a comma.

The light was getting dim and he knew even if he got the artifact first, he would still need to face the Quaestor in order to get out of here.

Another comma, this time after dim. You combined two different thoughts into a single statement, that needs a separator of some kind.

Suddenly she was there in the room below him, there was a fiery red aura around her, and as she swept her gaze around the room her emerald eyes glowed.

Okay, this, the bugs, the footsteps, it seems you have TuQ'uan working under the effects of a hallucinogen dart. The problem is, that while Kelly mentioned the darts in her post, no darts were fired. In her post, or before this action sequence, garnering you a penalty to Continuity. I will say that I appreciate the way you showed the drug in action, though.

Lines of concentration formed as Kelly threw her arms forward launching TuQ’uan towards the wall behind, the durasteel sheet and sonic grenade followed closely, the latter flying through a gap in the wall detonating off in the distance while the former flew wildly coming to a stop planted in the wall, bisecting the Kel Dor's legs.

Run on sentence, split it up next time, there's a lot going on and a lot of words here without a period to break it up.

Alright, first off, you had some syntax errors, that happens, not every proofer is gonna pick them up. You continued the fight well enough, and while some of it was confusing up until I realized what you were trying to do with it, you never got hit with the poison, so that hurt your score.

TuQ’uan stood up, blaster in hand, as he prepared to re-engage. Kelly was close enough to shoot at now. Yet the Kel Dor held off. Almost like he was waiting for something. He looked across at the Quaestor, she exuded a sense of confidence. Though that was pretty normal, there was something different this time. A fire in her usually emerald eyes showed a marked change in the woman. An aggression TuQ’uan had only heard of before but never witnessed. Laren had informed him of such a mood, and that it wasn’t a good sight. TuQ’uan wondered how his opposition would react. It was obvious she’d rather be the one to restart combat, and he was willing to let her do so. Because he had a plan. As Kelly would find out.

Kelly briefly glanced back to see her droid approaching her. It seemed like if she could keep the fight going long enough she could enjoy the numerical advantage and take control of the situation. But then she also didn’t want to give the Infiltrator a genuine chance at winning. Kelly didn’t even know who his employer was, just that it wasn’t her. That meant he couldn’t be allowed to succeed. It was just a matter of deciding how to defeat him.Did she want to make use of her wrist launchers? Or go with the whips? It was nice to have options. Whichever she was going to choose, she’d have to do so quickly. TuQ’uan was priming himself for combat. He already had a blaster in hand, now he was moving his spare hand over his shoulder and towards his back, where Kelly had earlier noticed a few bladed weapons. Kelly wasn’t sure how adept the Kel Dor would be at wielding two weapons simultaneously, but she couldn’t take her chances. Firing off a barrage of darts aimed at the alien’s neck, Kelly found herself having to avoid a similar amount of blaster fire. TuQ’uan seemed to be ok, but Kelly didn’t get a good enough look as she was preoccupied with self-preservation. Looking at TuQ’uan, there appeared to be a lone dart that had was loosely stuck in his neck on the right-hand side. Success, all Kelly had to do was wait for the poison to take effect and react to TuQ’uan’s response.

TuQ’uan yanked the strange looking object out of his neck, it’s barb was sharp, but not enough to do long term damage. It looked like a dart of sorts, not exactly the most efficient way of dispatching of him. But then that wasn’t Kelly’s intention. She had something more sinister in mind. The Kel Dor began feeling slightly unwell, the space around him also began to change. The Inflictor appeared to be closing in on him. TuQ’uan ran further into the closing ruins, as it opened up the further in he went. He was pursued by a woman that looked similar to Kelly upon a jet black steed that shrieked as it pursued him. It surely couldn’t be real, but he was seeing it and perception was the reality. Still, on the move, the Kel Dor tucked the blaster away and drew out the lightsaber he carried with him, as well as a vibroblade in his other hand. Things were starting to return to normal, he had moved from the engine a good thirty meters, Kelly slightly more than that. She was now close enough to use her whips to devastating effect. TuQ’uan couldn’t quite hit her from where he stood, and to move closer seemed unwise. He would have to respond, but Kelly took a couple of steps backwards as she brandished her whips.

“Enough with the running, you clearly can’t go for much longer. So drop to your knees, take the beating you have coming and run away like a good little boy. Do you think you can do that for me? Because, if you don’t I’ll have to leave you with no choice but to do as I say.” Kelly spoke with a harsh tone, one she was usually better at hiding, but she had been forced into having to project her power through as many means as possible. Of course, she could target the alien’s breath mask, but then she’d be bringing back a corpse to Aliso, instead of an asset. Kelly much rather preferred the latter scenario than the former, but things happen in the heat of the moment and she couldn’t be blamed for that.

“Sorry Kelly, this artefact is worth a pile of credits to my client, and it’s enough of a challenging mission I’m not going to give it up. So do what you have to do, but I’m darn sure not going to give up so easily.” The Kel Dor may have been feeling slightly unnerved by Kelly, but he wasn’t going to outwardly show it if he could help it. She would have to drag it out of him, though she was perfectly capable of doing so. TuQ’uan prepared his weapons as Kelly began advancing, her whips striking ahead of her. Then as she walked past where they landed, the whips would be flung forward. TuQ’uan was barely managing to dodge. He would have to react. And react he did. With his lightsaber, he trapped the shock whip as the vibroblade attempted to cut off the tip of the bantha hide whip. Then came the surprise. Instead of continuing in her pattern, the hide whip crashed into TuQ’uan’s right knee. The Kel Dor dropped his weapons as the pain surged to the affected area. This allowed Kelly to unload furiously on the alien, a sinister cackle escaped her mouth as she revelled in the pain that could be seen and heard coming from TuQ’uan. He was begging for the beating to stop, and Kelly obliged begrudgingly. She outstretched her fingers and pushed the lightsaber and vibroblade out of his reach. She had broken him alright. The Kel Dor didn’t even try to retrieve them, instead, he simply bowed his head in submission and accepted defeat.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 23 August, 2017 10:55 PM UTC

It was just a matter of deciding how to defeat him.Did she want to make use of her wrist launchers?

Minor syntax ding, guessing something happened in your Markdown and you missed a space between sentences.

Looking at TuQ’uan, there appeared to be a lone dart that had was loosely stuck in his neck on the right-hand side.

Minor syntax, accidentally a word there in the 'had was.'

The Kel Dor didn’t even try to retrieve them, instead, he simply bowed his head in submission and accepted defeat.

Minor syntax, very minor, this should have just been two sentences.

Some of your action felt rushed as if you went from one thing to another with little transition. The ending was abrupt, could have gone with some more gloating from Kelly.