Warrior Derek Cinn vs. Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter

Warrior Derek Cinn

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Sephi, Sith, Shadow
Comment

Shadow Nighthunter, this fight was pretty good overall. Your realism and continuity were especially good, which forces your opponent to do the same if they want a chance to win. The spelling and grammar was pretty decent, but I still suggest that you get a pair of extra eyes on your posts. As to the story, you do a good job telling the basics and giving reasons for the fight and why it matters to Shadow, but take care to really fill the story out in future as that will net you a lot more story points. Overall, good job on the match!

Derek Cinn, this fight, as usual, was pretty action-packed. You do a particularly good job writing action scenes and involving the environment, which is always great to see. On the flip side, the story was a bit lacking in that I never really understood why Derek was there in the first place. Keep that in mind going forward as a key takeaway in order to improve your scores. In addition, I also suggest that you get a second pair of eyes on all your posts to catch realism and spelling/grammar mistakes. This is the second or third fight I’ve graded for you and I am pleased to say that you have improved your action scenes quite a bit. Keep up your good progress!

Overall, the winner of this match is Shadow Nighthunter. Realism and a better story score gave you the win in the end. Thank you both for taking the time to write this story. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to the sequel. Good job to both of you and see you again next time!!

~Aura Ta'var

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Derek Cinn, Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter
Winner Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Derek Cinn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlemaster Shadow Nighthunter's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 29 September, 2017 9:37 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Syntax - 15%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Derek Cinn
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Your biggest issues were concerning sentence structure and run-on sentences, both of which made reading your posts harder than it needed it be. In future, I suggest a more thorough proof. Rationale: You had a number of repeated basic errors throughout both posts. In future I would watch out for capitalization, repetition, sentence structure, and possessive forms versus pronouns. More proofers!
Story - 40%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Derek Cinn
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You do a good job at the fundamental task of writing a story but the story felt incomplete and lacked description in places that would have made the story much more unique. Rationale: While there is plenty of action, this story does not feel unique. More importantly, you do not provide a reason why Derek is fighting and there is very little explanation at key pivotal moments of the fight. You do an excellent job pulling in the environment but it wasn’t enough to raise you back up to a 3.
Realism - 25%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Derek Cinn
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: There were three minor realism errors in your first post. For more details, see comments.
Continuity - 20%
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter Derek Cinn
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: There was one minor continuity error in the transition from your first to second post. For more details, see comments in your last post.
Blade Mistress Shadow Nighthunter's Score: 3.9 Derek Cinn's Score: 2.65
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, quadrupedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

Blood red fields of tall grass stretched out across the land as ever-threatening storm-clouds tried to blot out the evening sun. A rumble in the distance disturbed the peaceful chorus of the land’s natural inhabitants singing their evening serenade. That, or perhaps it was the presence of a dark presence as a cloaked figure moved across the plains . The predatory eyes of Shadow Nighthunter scanned the landscape as she made her way through the sea of red towards a solitary tree. The crimson leaves lit up from the dying sun’s rays filtering through the foliage. Such beauty found within nature brought a smile to the Sith Battlelord’s face. The half-Sephi cherished the world’s grand and dangerous bounty of nature it had to offer, and she couldn’t help but envy the Togruta natives for being able to savor in the natural wonder everyday.

Another rumble in the darkening sky announced the soon arrival of the storm, but Shadow cared not. She reached the tree and placed her gloved-hand on the trunk as she sensed the ancient life hidden within. It was the sound of footsteps approaching from the right that grabbed her attention, although she chose not to let it distract her.

“It is a blessing for the youth to be in the presence of the old, but magnificent,” the Shadow Wolf commented. “There is much to learn. Even from those that speak in silence. They have plenty of stories and lessons to offer.”

The woman turned as she laid her sniper rifle by the tree, and faced the short newcomer clad in clone arc-trooper armor. Derek Cinn stood at attention before his Battle Team Leader, the thirteen year-old waiting for her to inform him of the reason behind her summons. With his helmet secured under his arm, he smiled as his green eyes flashed in amusement.

“With such talk, someone might think you’re a Jedi,” he responded lightly. “Lucky for me, I’ve seen you prove otherwise.”

“Even the Jedi hold wisdom beneficial to everyone.” Shadow uncovered her head and let the hood of her cloak hang loose as her elfin ears were revealed. “But tis not philosophy that has brought you here.”

“Then what is the reason you had me come here? A mission? Or maybe perhaps just a nice game of hide-and-seek in the wilderness? Oh! I know! You want to study the daily life of a Derek Cinn in the wilderness!”

The Battlelord felt tempted to facepalm, but she pushed away the urge. “Actually, I do want to study you, Derek Cinn.”

“Oh, I am so flattered! Don’t worry, Shadow. I promise that once the study is done, you’ll be able to write a fascinating report about-”

The young man didn’t have a chance to finish as the sound of Shadow’s lightsabers springing to life interrupted him. A look of slight amusement accompanied by a hollow coldness in her the Sith’s eyes graced the woman’s face. She twirled her sabers around a bit, feeling the cold hilts graze against her fingers as the thrill of fighting electrified her spirit. “Actually, just studying you in battle will do. You’ve made a name for yourself in Tacitus Athanasius, Derek Cinn. Please, do enlighten me on all that you’ve learned.”

Shadow grinned as a sinister spark flashed in her eyes as she held both sabers in a reverse grip and glared at him. "So please, do show me what you've got. Do not hold back."

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 5 October, 2017 1:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This is a nice introduction to the fight because it pulls in Shadow Nighthunter’s aspects, specifically her affinity for nature and her skills in using it. This helps me understand your character better in this setting, which is always a good thing.

The predatory eyes of Shadow Nighthunter scanned the landscape as she made her way through the sea of red towards a solitary tree. The crimson leaves lit up from the dying sun’s rays filtering through the foliage. Such beauty found within nature brought a smile to the Sith Battlelord’s face. The half-Sephi cherished the world’s grand and dangerous bounty of nature it had to offer, and she couldn’t help but envy the Togruta natives for being able to savor in the natural wonder everyday.

This is a nice use of your opponent’s aspects. This brings the story to life more. Well done.

“Then what is the reason you had me come here? A mission? Or maybe perhaps just a nice game of hide-and-seek in the wilderness? Oh! I know! You want to study the daily life of a Derek Cinn in the wilderness!”

Can Be Improved

You do well to provide a reason to fight but the first post should really kick off the fight as well. I suggest that you include this in future first posts to make a more complete setup.

Shadow grinned as a sinister spark flashed in her eyes as she held both sabers in a reverse grip and glared at him. "So please, do show me what you've got. Do not hold back."

Derek smiled at the challenge and pulled his painted helmet over his head. Instead of reaching for his sabers He unholstered his blasters as his jetpack rumbled to life. Blue bolts raced towards the assassin below who deflected the shots with ease.

“Oh come on now,” Shadow said with an amused smirk, “A few blaster bolts aren't gonna impress me.”

The young warrior landed softly and replied calmly, “No need to impress as long as I get the kill.”

The half-sephi almost smiled then advanced rapidly towards the young boy. He immediately began firing shots as he backed away steadily. Just as his opponent was poised to strike a quick movement holstered his pistols and his saber flew up to his hand, igniting on the way. His silver blade met Her orange and white ones. She drew back and attacked again sending Derek on the defensive. Their sabers clashed as both duelers twirled and spun with their sabers swirling around them. The tall reddish grass around had been shortened considerably and their tips blacked and scorched by the lightsabers.

The sun had drifted below the horizon but the two Sith were still locked in heated combat. Derek spun, using his momentum to slash aside Shadow's sabers and followed through with a quick kick to the battlelord's face. She stumbled back and wiped the blood now dripping from her nose. Her eyes burned with rage and she advanced again. Her Experience and years of training in the art of Jar'Kai had begun to take its toll on the younger Sith.

Knowing he could be moments away from losing this fight He decided as he separated from the swift attacks of his battleteam leader to remove himself from the situation for the time being. HE reached behind his back and threw his smoke grenade at the feet of his opponent. A plume of white smoke plumed from it and Shadow leaped back from the thick cloud, coughing slightly.

Her immense amount of discipline kept her eyes in front of her however but Derek had disappeared. She recalled the faint sound of his jetpack just as the smoke had obscured her vision and cursed as she scanned the field of tall grass around the base of the lonely tree.

Derek laid down as he attempted to catch his breath. He was not far from Shadow and knew he had to act fast. He reached for the fragmentation grenade attached to his hip.

“Come on out Derek.” Shadow taunted coldly. Her mind focused on her surroundings. Her eyes suddenly snapped towards her left. She could barely react as a small cylinder flew towards her and she leaped back just as it exploded in mid-air. The force sent her flying then landed roughly onto the dirt ground. She groaned and cursed the younger boy but moved her focus back towards the battle as she heard the jetpack once again. She saw the small armored figure rise up and dive towards her, his saber up above his head ready to deal a violent and crushing attack.

SHadow's saber flew from the ground a foot from her reach into her outstreched hands. The orange and silver blades crossed creating an oddly beautiful spectrum of light. Derek's blade met hers and he stumbled back but recovered quickly. He could feel the beads of sweat rolling down his face as he charged again with a downward swing. Shadow met the strike again, stopping the Warrior's blade inches from her face. She reached both her feet up and kicked Derek squarely in the stomach sending him flying into the air.

Derek landed, rolling to a stop. Coughing and sputtering, He gasped for air as he pushed himself up to his feet. He looked up to see the slim figure of his fellow Excidiac stepping slowly toward him. He focused his rage frustration and raised his left hand at her. Lightning began to fly from his fingertips causing the surrounding area to be bathed in the bright blue glow in the late dusk light.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 5 October, 2017 1:37 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice use of the environment to show the side-effects of the fight.

Their sabers clashed as both duelers twirled and spun with their sabers swirling around them. The tall reddish grass around had been shortened considerably and their tips blacked and scorched by the lightsabers.

You do a good job with the action scenes. I have put but one example below. Good job!

He could feel the beads of sweat rolling down his face as he charged again with a downward swing. Shadow met the strike again, stopping the Warrior's blade inches from her face. She reached both her feet up and kicked Derek squarely in the stomach sending him flying into the air.

Can Be Improved

In future fights, you should consider expanding on the premise of the fight to explore your character’s motivations and purpose behind being there. Stating why your character wants to fight your opponent is very important. This helps make your side of the story interesting and compliments the fighting portions, which you already do a good job on. Overall, this will raise your story score if you focus on showing the reader why this conflict matters to Derek.

I’ve noticed some consistent capitalization errors throughout this post in a variety of ways, especially with pronouns and at least one noun. I suggest that you revisit capitalization rules and as always highly suggest that you ask your future proofers to look specifically for this issue.

Knowing he could be moments away from losing this fight [H]e decided as he separated from the swift attacks of his battleteam leader to remove himself from the situation for the time being.

Her Experience and years of training in the art of Jar'Kai had begun to take its toll on the younger Sith.

Minor issue but will help in the future to avoid confusion. In this fight, both of you are relatively younger Sith and so the below statement is confusing on a first read. I suggest in future that you specify which younger Sith if both combatants are relatively young.

Her Experience and years of training in the art of Jar'Kai had begun to take its toll on the younger Sith.

Derek Cinn has an explosives skill of +0 and therefore doesn’t understand a blast radius. In addition, explosives skill +0 doesn’t give you a lot of control over how the grenade would land, which makes accuracy a bit difficult. As such, I suggest that you relook at your use of grenades and potentially bump up its skill if you want to have your character use grenades as you depicted them in this fight.

Knowing he could be moments away from losing this fight He decided as he separated from the swift attacks of his battleteam leader to remove himself from the situation for the time being. HE reached behind his back and threw his smoke grenade at the feet of his opponent. A plume of white smoke plumed from it and Shadow leaped back from the thick cloud, coughing slightly. “Come on out Derek.” Shadow taunted coldly. Her mind focused on her surroundings. Her eyes suddenly snapped towards her left. She could barely react as a small cylinder flew towards her and she leaped back just as it exploded in mid-air. The force sent her flying then landed roughly onto the dirt ground.

Given Shadow’s Perception skill and her Ranger aspect, I fully expect her to be able to see Derek, who has yet to lay down in the grass. At the very least, she would probably notice the break in the grass. For future, I would suggest that you have Derek finish hiding before his smoke cover is gone.

She recalled the faint sound of his jetpack just as the smoke had obscured her vision and cursed as she scanned the field of tall grass around the base of the lonely tree.

Derek laid down as he attempted to catch his breath.

Crackles of blue violent energy reached out towards Shadow, and twisted to the right to avoid it before backing off. "Impressive. But your little light show will not always save you."

"Oh I don't know. It just may dazzle the enemy," the teen countered jokingly as the lightning dissipated. He raised his saber up horizontally above his head as he studied her.

The Battlelord flicked her wrists as she maneuvered the hilts of her sabers within her fingers, the crying and whirling blades showing signs of her anticipation and confidence. She then quickly charged, entering a twisting dance of light and speed as her sabers followed her cyclonic path and collided the Warrior's already awaiting blade. She continued to strike viciously, using both strength and velocity to try and overwhelm him. Derek was holding his own, however, and that impressed the Sith immensely. Yet, she wasn't just testing him for his strength.

Easing off a bit, she let Derek recover. He quickly went on the offensive, his blade arching over his head and downward for his leader. Quickly, Shadow crossed her blade and caught his weapon within. She gazed into the visor of his helmet, focusing as she reached into his mind. The woman grasped hold, sensing that was the Warrior had in physical strength, he lacked mentally. What she was about to do would be quickly condemned by many others, but she knew it would be for the young man's own benefit as a learning experience.

As her opponent tried to strike again, the Battlelord defended herself once again and latched onto his mind with the Force. The new presence within his consciousness caused Derek to pause slightly. It was then Shadow took advantage. She induced great fear into the younger Sith's mind, and within seconds, Derek found himself disorientated and suddenly in terror as he froze completely, beads of chilling sweat forming on the back of his neck. His eyes were locked with hers, and more than anything, he desperately wanted to flee the great horror before him. To his dismay, his muscles had locked up as had his mind, and he couldn't get himself to escape.

A wicked grin formed on the pale, half-Sephi's face as her ears twitched in satisfaction. "Physical strength and trickery is all well and good for some occasions, Derek Cinn, but those who conquer the mind are the true victors."

With the Warrior's locked jaw prohibiting him from responding, Shadow quickly knocked his saber out of his hand. She sent her silver blade straight into his shoulder, the pain freeing Derek from the paralysis as he screamed in pain. The Battlelord then placed her right foot against his gut and pushed him off her blade. She then extinguished both of her lightsabers, and knelt next to the groaning boy.

"Strengthen your mind, Derek. The weak-minded have no place in this world."

With that, the Shadow Wolf stood back up, collected her sniper rifle from the tree, and walked off towards her awaiting ship. Her departure was marked by the arrival of the storm as lightning flashed and rain poured down on the wounded and broken Sith Warrior left to wallow in his defeat.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 5 October, 2017 1:38 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Good job closing the story with a suitable ending.

"Strengthen your mind, Derek. The weak-minded have no place in this world."

This is nice imagery at the end and it pairs well with the ending. Good job.

Her departure was marked by the arrival of the storm as lightning flashed and rain poured down on the wounded and broken Sith Warrior left to wallow in his defeat

Can Be Improved

Sentence structure could be improved. I suggest that you have your proofers specifically look over grammatical aspect or alternatively read the sentence out loud to see if it sounds right.

Crackles of blue violent energy reached out towards Shadow, and twisted to the right to avoid it before backing off.

Watch out for run-on sentences. I suggest breaking this up into a few sentences.

She induced great fear into the younger Sith's mind, and within seconds, Derek found himself disorientated and suddenly in terror as he froze completely, beads of chilling sweat forming on the back of his neck.

What is this great horror? I suggest that you write this out more to either describe what he sees or the effect it has on your opponent to perhaps hint at what he might see.

His eyes were locked with hers, and more than anything, he desperately wanted to flee the great horror before him.

“You've held your own but I think it's time to finish this Derek,” Shadow said confidently. 

Derek responded with a smile, He couldn't trust himself to say anything as his breathing was strained and somewhat labored. Shadow began to move forward slowly towards the small solitary figure. Derek watched her as he prepared for any move she might make. His muscles throbbed in exhaustion but he ignored the dull pain.

As his emerald eyes followed the slim woman, He pupils widened. Reacting to the presence behind him he turned. He could only see a flash of orange fur before he felt the weight of the beast upon him knock him to his back and his lightsaber out of his hand. He gripped the beast's throat tightly as it tried to gnaw at his face mask. He kicked uselessly at the muscular body of the predator as he struggled against the powerful beast.

Shadow merely watched the young Sith fight for his life with an amused smile. Derek, however, had only a determined grimace. Aligning his wrist with the throat of the Akul, Derek extended the vibroblade from his gauntlet. It sliced into the throat of the animal and dark red blood splattered over the Warrior's Phase II clone armor. He stabbed repeated at the beast till the gurgling and choking of the beast had ceased. The limp form of the beast laid silently over the armor-clad Dark Jedi.

Shadow stepped forward with a swift hand gesture to throw the lifeless corpse of the Akul from above her opponent. She stood above him for a moment before igniting her saber and pointed it at his neck.

“You performed well. But not well enough.” She said sternly before turning away. Derek raised he helmeted head to watch her walk off into the long Turu Grass. He dropped his head with a soft thump as she disappeared. He lay there cursing himself for failing Shadow as he angrily wiped the blood from his visor. The T visor hid the fury in his eyes as he rose to his feet. He retrieved his saber and walked into the long red grass, vowing to defeat her the next opportunity he had.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 5 October, 2017 1:39 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice use of vibroblade on a gauntlet. Well done.

Aligning his wrist with the throat of the Akul, Derek extended the vibroblade from his gauntlet. It sliced into the throat of the animal and dark red blood splattered over the Warrior's Phase II clone armor.

Nice ending that sets up the next fight potentially. Good job.

He lay there cursing himself for failing Shadow as he angrily wiped the blood from his visor. The T visor hid the fury in his eyes as he rose to his feet. He retrieved his saber and walked into the long red grass, vowing to defeat her the next opportunity he had.

Nice use of the environment in this match. It works nicely with the fight.

As his emerald eyes followed the slim woman, He pupils widened. Reacting to the presence behind him he turned. He could only see a flash of orange fur before he felt the weight of the beast upon him knock him to his back and his lightsaber out of his hand.

Can Be Improved

Watch out for your possessive forms. (His versus He)

Derek raised he helmeted head to watch her walk off into the long Turu Grass.

Sentence structure could be improved. I suggest that you have your proofers specifically look over grammatical aspect or alternatively read the sentence out loud to see if it sounds right.

As his emerald eyes followed the slim woman, He pupils widened.

Watch out for repetition, especially in the same sentence.

He stabbed repeated at the beast till the gurgling and choking of the beast had ceased.

For future, note that you could have expanded on his feelings and emotions to better tell the readers why he felt compelled enough to curse himself for failing Shadow.

He lay there cursing himself for failing Shadow as he angrily wiped the blood from his visor. The T visor hid the fury in his eyes as he rose to his feet. He retrieved his saber and walked into the long red grass, vowing to defeat her the next opportunity he had.

You mention this line in your first post but then never address it in your second post. In future, I suggest writing smooth transitions between your posts. As a result of not doing this, you have an action that has no reaction, which messes with Continuity.

“You've held your own but I think it's time to finish this Derek,” Shadow said confidently.

Derek responded with a smile, He couldn't trust himself to say anything as his breathing was strained and somewhat labored. Shadow began to move forward slowly towards the small solitary figure.