Seer Kelly Mendes vs. Adept Braecen Kaeth

Seer Kelly Mendes

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Human, Force Disciple, Seeker
vs.

Adept Braecen Kaeth

Elder 1, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut, Krath
Comment

This was a good match and I'm glad you were able to complete it under the limitations of the Great Jedi War!

You both did a good job devising and sticking to the story you had in mind, writing well on the whole and hitting most of the targets we hope for in a match. At the same time, you stumbled in similar places such as Realism and Syntax. It was close going into the final posts, but the technical side of things slipped a bit for at least one competitor at that point.

What I liked most was the similar threads and portrayals. You both stuck to the characters and didn't do anything too deviant from the aspects and skills presented. Some might call that safe, but safe is definitely the way to go during a high stakes match-up.

Again, thank you both for the showing you had here. It was a tighter race than the rubric may show and both members should be proud of what they did here.

After having the Voice and Deputy Grand Master review your scores, the final tally shows Braecen Kaeth as the winner.

Hall Phase II: Retribution [GJWXII]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 1.5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Seer Kelly Mendes, Adept Braecen Kaeth
Winner Adept Braecen Kaeth
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Seer Kelly Mendes's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Braecen Kaeth's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: Faron City
Last Post 19 October, 2017 5:35 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Braecen Kaeth Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Small issues appear in both posts. Some could have easily slipped through the cracks of a rushed proofing, but that's to be expected with tight timelines. Rationale: There were several small issues in the first post, but the second post gives an impression that there wasn't time for a proper proofing. Misused and outright missing punctuation and capitals hit you hard there.
Story - 40%
Braecen Kaeth Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A really strong showing that threatened to hit a 5. What held it back was some of the almost robotic descriptions of traits in the posts as well as the rushed feeling at the end of the match where you don't manage to stick the landing. Rationale: The constant back and forth in the first post really brought me out of things as a reader. Made it hard to follow, and then it was difficult to re-engage in the story you were trying to tell. Potential for higher, but the difficulty in following held it back.
Realism - 25%
Braecen Kaeth Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A minor issue regarding the capabilities of the redirected Force Lightning in your first post. Yes, it has strengthened potency, but its functionality is still dependent on the source's Feats. Rationale: Two minor issues, one more so than the other. Thankfully, they didn't add up to a major. Paying attention to the specifics of the sheets will help going forward.
Continuity - 20%
Braecen Kaeth Dr. Giyana Jurro
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Nothing that was noted.
Braecen Kaeth's Score: 4.2 Dr. Giyana Jurro's Score: 3.65
Posts

faron_city

Faron is one of the twin cities on Nancora alongside Axio, breaking up the planet's scarred surface with their presence. Originally existing in the form of underground shelters, the city was built up slowly—layer by layer—until it became a metropolis so large that it can be clearly seen from orbit. In order to maintain an organized infrastructure, the city itself is separated into districts based on the disc-like, concentric blocks that make up its design.

The outer district is the largest of these. Here, the buildings form alleys and streets that criss-cross as they either run straight towards the center of Faron or curve along its circumference. The complexes found here are almost mathematical in design. Towers built upon towers, they all link together like geometric puzzle pieces with harsh lines and angles in lieu of softer edges. Having to deal with the elements, the durasteel constructs appear weathered and worn, but maintain a bright coloring to reflect as much light as possible and reduce its thermal conversion.

Industry thrives in Faron, and its districts embody this. In the outer district, shops meet with living centers and the lines between them blur. An apartment cluster appears much the same as a grand complex containing a myriad of speeders or other such technological constructions. Power relays, the key to keeping the city functioning in its entirely, are staggered along the streets and each level. Through redundancy, the system prevents the loss of a single relay from crippling it. The citizens flood the district at ground level, marching with haste towards their destinations while the skylanes flicker with activity high above.

In Faron's outer district, the thriving metropolis can be seen in all its many facets, but also at its most vulnerable.

High Priority Target

Name: Kerwin Drake
Affiliation: Technocratic Guild
Species: Devaronian
Gender: Male
Height: 2.03 m
Weight: 136.08 kg

A loyal member of the Technocratic Guild, Kerwin Drake has been identified as a notable scavenger and demolitions specialist within their ranks. It is possible that he is acting in a solo capacity, but it is statistically more likely that he is flanked by a contingent of loyal combatants. Approach with utmost caution.

Click for full dossier details.

Six foot eight, three hundred pounds. Devaronian male, affiliated with the Technocratic Guild though technically a Mercenary. This is what the intel report on Kerwin Drake told Kelly. He was likely to be surrounded by cronies. These weren’t ideal circumstances but Kelly had been chosen by Selika to be dropped into the cold, towering megacity called Faron City, that was one of two cities on the planet Nancora. She was in the belly of a mechanical beast and it was evident. As the Plagueian looked around all she could see were metal buildings. As she walked through what she assumed were supposed to be streets, the dullness of the environment began weighing on her mind. All the exposed durasteel, The Collective certainly held no interest in the aesthetic appeal of their holdings.

Braecen had been a relatively easy choice as Scholae’s “Champion” sent to eliminate Kerwin Drake. Preliminary intelligence suggested at least one other clan had sent a representative but he had no names or faces to go on. He made sure to regularly check if he was being followed, now was not the time for clans to be squabbling, Drake was a fierce combatant to be sure, but not The Collective’s best. That was scary, that they couldn’t be beaten by pure numbers, but rather skilled individuals would have to work together to defeat the menace. No sign of anyone, but Braecen couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was nearby, it could have been paranoia or something far more dangerous lurking in the shadows.

Kelly had been wandering around for what felt like hours but had likely been only minutes. A while back she hopped up onto a building’s roof to gain a better view and it was from there she saw a man walking the streets, much like she had been. He didn’t appear to be a member of The Collective. No, the figure wore no uniform. Quieting her mind and closing her eyes in order to focus, The Dark Jedi discovered that the man was indeed a Force-user. The other clans, that was it. Kelly hadn’t been the only one sent to dispose of Drake. This man represented one of the other six clans. Kelly began following him, hoping he would draw Drake out for her.

Braecen still couldn’t shake the feeling he was being watched, not that he was wrong to feel that way. The Technocratic Guild had made sure there was an extensive surveillance network on Nancora, not to mention the lone figure stalking him from above. The Palatinaean suddenly stopped and spun around. There, upon the nearby building, he had seen something dash into cover. This was silly, he knew it wouldn’t be Drake, the Devaronian was too tall. “Look, come on out, I’m not your enemy,” Braecen spoke to the hidden figure, not quite sure what to expect. To his surprise, the figure emerged. It was that of a woman, slightly taller than he, she had the most interesting silver hair.

“So which cesspit did they pluck you from? It’s clear we’re here for the same reason. So you scratch my back, I might let you watch me kill Drake.” The prideful arrogance of youth was slathered upon the woman's’ words. She hopped down to Braecen’s level and began to approach him. She walked with a swagger that was unearned, at least at this moment in time. As she got closer, Braecen pulled out his lightsabers.

“I always thought Oligar was spouting a bunch of nonsense, but seeing you two like this just reaffirms why you need to be destroyed.” The unmistakable figure of Kerwin Drake stood above the Force-users. He wasn’t alone either. An HK-series Assassin Droid as well as a handful of the Technocratic Guild’s cybernetically enhanced warriors. In one fell swoop, he had outmanoeuvred the ones sent to kill him. Rubbing his hands together as his amber-hued eyes looked on, Kerwin Drake eagerly awaited his would-be assassin’s next moves.

“Look, I don’t know who you are, or why you seem to dislike me so much, but we can go back to trying to destroy each other once this threat has been dealt with,” Braecen made an impassioned appeal to the woman he found himself standing back to back with.

“Fine, what are you thinking? I hit you and then we take them when they swoop in for the kill?” Kelly offered a suggestion for how they should proceed. If Kerwin thought the two were no threat he wouldn't denigrate himself by killing them personally. If he thought his troops could get it done then he would let them. That would allow the pair to strategize a little before taking him on.

“Well, a plan’s better than no plan. Go for it, I don’t think you’ll hurt me too much.” Braecen was now slightly concerned he’d provoked her into trying to hurt him, she seemed the type to do so.

Kelly turned around and casting her dress aside momentarily, she swung her left boot right up between Braecen’s legs and hit him in a rather delicate area. The Palatinaean doubled over and slightly overplayed how painful it was. Kelly looked to Drake, who had turned his back to them. Then panning her head from left to right, she saw why. The cybernetically enhanced warriors were advancing towards her “Hey, guy, you might want to start getting up right about now before they make you their first victim.” Kelly warned Braecen as the pair’s opponents were coming ever closer in an encircling manoeuvre. Braecen stayed down. Kelly began to worry ever so slightly, had she signed up for a suicide mission? Or would she be able to survive alone? Braecen sprung to life and as Kelly lashed out with her whips, he leapt around the area, slicing cybernetics off adeptly. The pair cleaved a path through the small group, now they had to find Drake.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 1:32 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

What I find stands out most here is that you seem to have a clear idea of the story you're trying to tell. It follows a logical flow and is structured to match. Leaning into this and cleaning up the transitions will really help strengthen your story going forward. It's definitely your best asset.


Areas For Improvement

Just some minor slips of grammar were of note when it came to syntax in this post. There were cases of run-on sentences and other missteps. An example would be the following, where the comma usage interrupted the flow of reading. You either needed an additional comma leading into it to account for the comma trailing 'Faron City', or restructure entirely:

[...] dropped into the cold, towering megacity called Faron City, that was one of two cities on the planet Nancora.

The sudden perspective shift from the first paragraph to the second, moving from Kelly to Braecen while maintaining limited point of view over omniscient, was very jarring as a reader. Pulled me out of the content and left me having to re-engage.

This portion is also somewhat jarring, grammatically, but more importantly it's a head scratcher based on the sheets. Here's the section: "It was that of a woman, slightly taller than he, she had the most interesting silver hair." So, other than the jarring flow trailing the second comma, both sheets have the members at 1.8m / 5'11". Saying she's taller is inaccurate as a result, and a significantly minor Realism error, but still one that exists.

The duo had cleaved a path to the edge of the confrontation, but they had not resolved it. Before fleeing in Kerwin Drake's wake, Braecen made a choice about the enemies that would assuredly nip at their heels while in pursuit. The Daughter of Clan Plagueis darted forward, leaving Braecen in the midst of several opponents comprised of Kerwin’s Brute Squad. The Elder, still tender from Kelly’s assault, could not flee on her heels. His pale blue eyes quickly scanned the faces of his foes. The sight unnerved him deeply and sent a chill down his spine. He could not readily distinguish one soldier from another. Each possessed pale skin, thin lips and square, stubby noses. They had no hair or other distinguishing features beyond powerful muscles bulging beneath their armor plates. Deadly blaster rifles remained pointed in Braecen’s direction however.

Those, he mused, I at least understand.

While no one had predicted the emergence of The Collective, the Proconsul of Scholae Palatinae had been turned against the enemy at the first chance - the point of the spear - by his Consul, and Empress, Elincia Rei. Time and time again she had sent her right hand into dangerous, life-threatening situations in an attempt to rid herself of the Consul Emeritus’ presence amongst her cadre of leaders. Braecen decided that she may finally be granted her wish as he stood in the center of several Technocrat Soldiers. His only ally forged by necessity: a Quaestor dispatched by the Dread Lord of Clan Plagueis. The Elder’s mission was on the brink of calamity.

Braecen’s voice cracked as he screamed, “Harlot!” The word cracked through the makeshift battle arena like a whip. Kelly slid to a halt, her black boots - obscured by her red, strapless dress - scraped across the duracrete ground beneath them. Pain and surprise were quickly consumed by fiery hate in her almond shaped emerald eyes. Her mouth hung half open as she stood frozen by the implication. If the moment had not been so dire, Braecen might have laughed. Instead, he followed his previous word with a command. “Catch!”

Kelly disdained those who were not subservient to the Dark Side. Begrudgingly, she respected the Sith Elder for his nobility in pursuing power in a similar manner to her. She drank in the industrial elements of the city and the high buildings. Then she turned her keen eye and attention to detail to full power as she prepared for whatever Braecen was going to attempt. She had been the one after all to decide to lure their opponent within close range and work together in pursuit of the higher mission: the Devorian, Kerwin Drake.

The Elder of the Brotherhood embraced the Force wholly. It came at his beck and call - a tempest of destructive, swirling power. Braecen recoiled from its oily touch and ground his teeth as he manipulated the raw power to do his bidding. It boiled his blood as hot as fire and left his muscles glacially cold as it moved through his body. Weakness was replaced with strength, doubt with determination. He dropped the bronze and ebony lightsaber in his left hand. Without his finger on the activation switch, the white flame disappeared and the metal cylinder unceremoniously clattered upon the ground. Empowered with the Dark Side, he splayed his fingers and hurled blue-white lightning from their tips towards the Equite.

One good turn deserves another, Braecen grinned as the malevolent thought crossed through his consciousness.

Momentary surprise was replaced with casual contempt and confidence in Kelly’s eyes. She steeled herself, tapping into the Living Force, as the lightning fragmented across the distance between them. She discarded both whips and raised her outstretched hands before her. The attack had been telegraphed by her allied-opponent and gave her more than enough time to react accordingly. Kelly twisted the Force into an unseen convex dome before her. As the initial forks of lightning licked against the defensive corona, she was forced to lean into the attack or risk being bowled over by the severity of the assault. She gritted her teeth as a result of the effort to grapple with the hot, blue-white lightning momentarily surrounding her. As she morphed and shaped the Dark Side to her will, her flat expression turned the corners of her mouth up into a self-satisfied smirk.

The ease of the battlefield rapport between Kelly and Braecen was startling. Perhaps it was shared ideology learned through the Shadow Academy. Perhaps there were darker, hidden secrets that both of the Dark Jedi shared. His aggression, his brutality, it reeked of the beliefs of Clan Plagueis. Braecen watched her through the manmade tempest and saw as dawning realization widened her eyes, but was abandoned as she focused on the task of the moment. She was entrapped within a momentary maelstrom of Dark Side energy that demanded her full attention.

The Plagueian redirected and unleashed the Force Lightning, supercharged by the Elder, back towards her opponents. Its trajectory was altered and her own power added to the assault as it danced across the bodies between Braecen and Kelly. Despite their training, the soldiers bodies jerked in violent spasms before they fell to the ground. A wide, momentary gulf opened before the Palatinaen in the aftermath. Greedily, he dashed forward without consideration.

A concussion grenade malfunctioned, triggered by the power surge, and detonated. A whisper from the Force directed Braecen’s actions and the Dark Side engulfed the brunt of the explosion to keep the Juggernaut on his feet. The explosion was more than a single sound. Unlike a blaster shot, it did not ring out as much as it crushed him under a wave of disorienting pressure. His ears popped a moment before an incredibly high-pitched buzzing replaced every sound. The Elder fell to his knees and turned his eyes towards Kelly. “Go” he mouthed. Hastily, he began to mend his body with the assistance of the Force.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 1:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

As always, your attention to detail regarding the skills, powers, and aspects of the sheets is on full display. Leaning into this and refining it will become your greatest asset in writing. Integrating it a touch more organically, losing some of the mechanical intonation, will certainly make this a stand-out for future matches. Can't wait to see how it evolves.


Areas For Improvement

A soft moment in your syntax is the grammatical hiccup here: "His only ally forged by necessity: a Quaestor dispatched by the Dread Lord of Clan Plagueis." The lead in to the colon is a fragment, and it remains so even after the sentence completes. Just adding "was forged" would correct this issue. There are several similar sentences throughout this post.

A small hit of realism here, in regards to the Force Lightning employed as follows:

Its trajectory was altered and her own power added to the assault as it danced across the bodies between Braecen and Kelly.

This power, by default, only targets a single individual. There are Feats that modify this, however. "Fork It" and "Chain It" being those that would allow multiple targets to be hit. As an Elder, you would also have access to "Elder Storm" which combines all the previous. Without it, the Lightning would only hit a single foe.

Kelly nodded before turning to give chase. She hated following orders, but sometimes other people's commands made good sense. The Sith couldn’t allow Drake to get away. The Devaronian wouldn’t be too hard to find with his large frame. The path at least was clear. The Plagueian caught sight of her target and increased the pace of her pursuit. The green skin made him easy to track, as he stood out among the soulless shades of grey that emphasised the enforced aesthetics of the Technocratic Guild.

The Scavenger was proving to be quite the athlete. Even accounting for the pre-existing gap, he was pulling away. Kelly focused as she moved, reaching out to the Force and using it to empower her body. The distance continued to increase, though at a slower pace, and then Drake stopped. He pivoted to face his lone pursuer. His face moved as if he was about to laugh, only for it to stop and vanish, as if the Eminent had almost chuckled. With a taut face, drawn tight as though in concentration, he watched as the smaller female raced towards him. The Devaronian glanced down and began adjusting the wrist-mounted rocket launcher on the back of his left hand. Stretching, Drake drew his Electro-staff from its resting position on his belt and pressed his thumb on the activation switch causing the tips to spring to life. Kelly slid to a halt before him, chest heaving from the exertion of fighting the lackeys and then giving chase. Even as she sought to take control of herself, her chest heaved as the Force left her flesh weakened as it faded away. The almost-smile appeared and vanished again, as if something within Kerwin fought to find humour in the situation, and was denied.

"Without your playmate, you are little more than some dust in my gears Human. You should have let me leave." Kerwin said to her in a flat, monotone voice. Without the rage of seeing their conflict, it seemed he lacked any other emotion to influence his speech.

Kelly reached for her whips before remembering she had cast them aside to help Braecen. She let out an audible sigh, and shook her head, frustrated that she was now at nearly every conceivable disadvantage when compared to the tall man she found herself face to chest with.

At least, she thought to herself, I still have the Force.
Drake had no access to it, and she had the means to shut down his cybernetic arm. It was just a matter of getting him to the point where that became a viable option. Kelly wondered why Drake had not yet advanced. Drake charged unexpectedly, coming at Kelly with a fury she’d never seen before, the rage from earlier returning to twist his face into a visage of horror. Surprisingly, he kept going swinging she dodged out of the way. Then she saw it, Braecen had caught up to them, and he held Kelly’s whips.

Faced with a stampeding Devaronian, Braecen didn’t have time to formulate a plan. As a precaution, he gathered the whips in one hand and launched them into the air over Kerwin’s head. With no time left to see if they were caught, the Kaeth progenitor steeled himself for the impact as Drake slammed into him, and rebounded as if he'd slammed into a wall. Drake shook his head as if to clear it, surprised to look down and see a grin upon the Human male's face.

"That'll teach you to think that smaller people can be run over you mechanical trash! Come at me!" Braecen taunted the Scavenger. It worked, long enough for a flush to rise and give colour to the pale skin of the Technocrat.The buzzing of the tips grew more intense, signifying the power had been turned up to lethal levels. Kerwin raised the staff above his head, ready to slam it into the Elder’s chest, except it didn’t come down.

Kerwin looked slowly over his shoulder in disbelief as he saw Kelly holding it in place with a whip. Then it flew out of his hands as the Plagueian moved her left arm behind her body. Braecen, seizing the moment, leapt at the Technocrat and sliced off Drake’s cybernetic arm with one lightsaber while detaching the Devaronian’s head with the other. Drake seemed to hang for a moment before he collapsed in a heap, broken and lifeless. Kelly audibly chuckled.

"And here I was, thinking that I was outclassed. It seems that we make a good team and that you're not half bad," she quipped to Braecem.

“Now, are you going to apologise for calling me a harlot or am I going to leave two corpses behind?” She asked. killed people for such things before".

“I’m just glad he died, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to go back and gloat to my Consul about killing him single-handedly.” Braecen confided.

“Oh please!" She scoffed. "If it wasn’t for me he’d have stopped your heart and you’d be left to rot on the ground.” Kelly reminded the Elder. “Do you mind if I take a couple of trophies back to the Dread Lord?” She inquired sweetly, "Knowing Selika, she would like proof of Drake’s death."

“Be my guest, heads and scrap aren’t really my thing. He turned to walk away and then stopped to look over his shoulder. "Oh, and you’re welcome,” Braecen responded.

"For what?" she inquired as he resumed walking away.

"For your whips. I know a crazy badass bitch who would love them" he replied before turning a corner and vanishing.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 2:29 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The almost-smile appeared and vanished again, as if something within Kerwin fought to find humour in the situation, and was denied.

This is wonderful storytelling. I'd love to see more of this type of narrative flow. Paints a wonderful picture.


Areas For Improvement

Again, some minor to major issues with syntax and presentation. You missed a line space at one point in the post and had little things like "his Electro-staff" where a capital wasn't needed. Also, the wrong punctuation or capitalization at the end of dialogue in several cases, or missing quotes entirely.

With no time left to see if they were caught, the Kaeth progenitor steeled himself for the impact as Drake slammed into him, and rebounded as if he'd slammed into a wall. Drake shook his head as if to clear it, surprised to look down and see a grin upon the Human male's face.

Even with Iron Skin, which shrugs off knockback effects and the like, there should be a reaction to the pain of (what is essentially) being hit by a semi-organic freight truck. There's no sense of that in this or the following narrative.

Kelly reached out and summoned both her previously discarded weapons and they leapt into her hands. She stared at the Elder for a moment and hesitated before she turned away to run after the Devorian. Buildings reached skyward, but all of them fell into a clean line towards the center of Faron City. Their weathered and worn exteriors blended together and were only broken up by the cross streets that curved parallel to the outer circumference of Nancora’s industrial city.

She turned a corner and slid to a halt. Sweat glistened on her brow and threatened to cascade through her sculpted eyebrows into her searching emerald eyes. Smoke choked the side street, but it held a metallic and manufactured smell of a recent detonation. Carefully, she advanced one step at a time. Her ears strained to catch any abnormal sound: a boot scraping across the ground, a weapon whistling through the air, or the whine of a blaster. Inch by inch, she crept forward. Seconds stretched into minutes as the alert Equite moved forward. Through the smoke a hulking form that watched her progress.

As the air became less obscured, the finer details of the Technocrat Field Commander sharpened. A thick torso of mountainous muscle stood atop a pair of ancient oak tree trunks. One arm matched his seafoam green skin tone, but the other stood out in sharp contrast - a menacing black cybernetic replacement. It radiated the same sense of danger as his amber eyes, sharp teeth, and pointed horns atop his head. A thick beard fell from his lower face towards his chest completing his malevolent appearance. He brandished a polearm in one hand as he beckoned Kelly forward with the other.

She gripped her whips tighter and prepared to move forward with a determined step. “Stop!” a voice shouted from behind. The Elder had finally caught up to her, but his gait was noticeably impaired. Her eyes moved from his outstretched index finger towards the wall behind her where a small triangular casing of a land mine rested.

“Curious,” she whispered. “I am in your debt.” Kelly gave him a questioning look as he fell to all fours on the ground, but turned her focus back towards their target.

“You should both be dead,” a gravelly baritone voice barked. “I will simply have to finish the job myself.” Kerwin Drake advanced with the speed and grace of a humanoid much smaller and of a lithe physique. Deftly, he jumped over the laser without breaking his stride. The suddenness of the action caused Kelly’s eyes to widen in alarm as she retreated under his advance. With a weapon in each hand, she unleashed her first assault. Kerwin raised his staff into a blocking position, but one whip arced in from a high position while the second started to bend around from an alternate direction.

“Raawwwrrgh!” He unleashed an animalistic roar as he caught the first whip upon the flat edge of his polearm and the second bit into his leg. His amber eyes flared with pain and disgust as he dismissed the pain and hurried forward. Kelly snapped her whips again at the oncoming freight train. Unlike other foes, Drake was not intimidated by the whips awkward angles or the lethality with which they cut through the air. Onward, Kerwin came upon the young Equite.

Her first whip wound around his cybernetic arm. The metal strands seemed to glow with a holy light as the woven metal bit into his unholy black arm. Kelly harrumphed with joy as her Shock Whip found purchase. Her jubilation was quickly strangled with a scream of panic as the charging mountain failed to slow - as if the pain had not registered in his consciousness. His staff slammed into her left knee and she strained against the impulse to collapse. Her body remained upright and frozen as she fought gravity and her body’s natural reaction. Drake lowered his shoulder into the woman as his momentum crashed with her still form.

Kelly sailed through the air and crashed against the wall behind her. Her eyes glazed over and her head rolled left and right. A second blow from the electrostaff connected to her temple and she dropped to the ground with an unceremonious thud. Her body sprawled across the duracrete street. The Field Commander raised one of his enormous feet above the Equite’s head. Before he could put his weight behind the fatal blow, though, his body was engulfed in blue-white tongues of lightning.

From his hands and knees, Braecen poured every ounce of his existence into a singular attack. He felt as the Dark Side greedily drank his vitality and he became a furnace of Force potential. And then it burned out.

Kerwin Drake’s step faltered and he crashed to the ground on his side. His technology implants failed under the massive surge. The Devorian’s cybernetic arm hung lifeless from his shoulder as he rolled onto his knees. Unafraid, but unwilling to gamble on the outcome of the skirmish, Kerwin Drake propelled himself towards the Technocrat stronghold. He glanced backwards at the two prone Dark Jedi and cursed their good fortune. “Next time,” he promised.

Braecen drug himself across the ground with his arms. The task seemed impossible, but he clawed his way across the distance until he came to rest beside Kelly. Her brilliant green eyes fluttered open for a moment, “I recognize you.”

“I’m the Proconsul of Scholae Palatinae,” he said matter-of-factly.

“No,” she closed her eyes and shook her head slightly from left to right. “You were a founder of Plagueis. A secret kept in only our archives.”

Braecen raised a single lightsaber towards her heart. He pressed the nozzle against her pale skin before he pushed the activation switch. Snap-hiss! The white flame erupted and her heart evaporated in its wake. “I’m afraid that is a secret that cannot come to light,” he croaked.

Darth Renatus, 21 October, 2017 2:40 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I like how you manage to run smaller plot threads alongside the overarching goal. You have references to Braecen's secret past blended into the fight, as well as not going full "I'm an Elder, fear me" in your writing. There is weakness to your characters, which is a fact of our system. It forces those weaknesses and it's easy to try to gloss over them because "rawr I has high rank!" The imagery is strong and easy to follow, as well.


Areas For Improvement

There was some repetition, for example: "Inch by inch, she crept forward. Seconds stretched into minutes as the alert Equite moved forward." More or less repeating yourself with the "forward" references. There were also some very minor missteps in syntax, such as "Through the smoke a hulking form that watched her progress." The "that watched" doesn't fit in this example.

The Devorian’s cybernetic arm hung lifeless from his shoulder as he rolled onto his knees. Unafraid, but unwilling to gamble on the outcome of the skirmish, Kerwin Drake propelled himself towards the Technocrat stronghold. He glanced backwards at the two prone Dark Jedi and cursed their good fortune. “Next time,” he promised.

This doesn't quite stick the landing for me as a reader. Yes, he is inhibited from continuing the fight, but there is no sense of pain or weariness on the part of Kerwin. That much internal damage should be visible in how he functions. I get no sense of that here.