Warlord Granta Prackx vs. Hunter Hyle Alihandross

Warlord Granta Prackx

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
vs.

Hunter Hyle Alihandross

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow
Comment

Andrelious, I may be sounding like a broken record but it can't be helped. You write some pretty great fight scenes. I love the action. Unfortunately, they never pull me in any way because I don't know why your character fights. I don't know their motivations. I don't know why besides very cliche assumptions. This won't due for a story score of 3 and above. I highly suggest that you insert more "why" into your fights to really raise you to the next level. Besides, that another fight with pretty clean syntax. Good job on that front. In summary, more why.

Hyle, you had a good starting post. For that I congratulate you. Not every new ACCer gets that you need to set up the story and venue in the first post. Good job. There was potential for a story score of 3 or more, but you hurt yourself by not furthering that story, not taking the environment into consideration, and the open-ended finish. I list this not to discourage you but so that you can keep these in mind for your next fight. Bring in those emotions, tell me what Hyle is thinking, and give me more "why". This will elevate you in the ACC so much if you can work on just that. Lastly, realism really hurt you here, but this is part of the learning process. Feel free to ask me any questions on the realism dings. In summary, focus more on furthering the story more and his reactions/emotions, the realism will come with time and experience.

The winner of this match is Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj. Realism really made the difference today and skewed the match heavily in the victor's favor. Spelling and Grammar also helped. Never forget the value of a good proofer. Friends don't let friends post without proofing! Anyways, Good job to both of you. You both showed your own strengths and weaknesses. I hope my comments will help you improve. See you again next time!!

P.S: Does Kamino have sharks?

~Aura Ta'var

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Granta Prackx, Hunter Hyle Alihandross
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Granta Prackx's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Hyle Alihandross's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kamino: Landing Platform
Last Post 11 December, 2017 11:05 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Aurora "Aura" Ta'var
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Hyle Alihandross
Score: 4 Score: 2
Rationale: Few things here and there. Rationale: I highly suggest a proofer next match as there were many mistakes that could have easily been caught. Ask your clanmates or clan leaders!
Story - 40%
Deleted Hyle Alihandross
Score: 2 Score: 2
Rationale: While there were some shining examples of a 3 in the use of environment and taking advantage of the aspects/skills, this still gets a 2. I have no idea why your character is sticking around for this fight. I don't understand the motivations as they are not written. You tease on some lines but it isn't enough. Your opponent gave a reason but you didn't progress that story further in any way. It was just moving bodies past that. I suggest more why! Rationale: You started out a 3 but in the end you dipped down to a 2 because you failed to acknowledge the environment during your fight and I just didn't get enough of "why" Hyle was doing this or that. You nailed the basics of a first post quite well. It gave me a framework to work off of but then it just kinda sat there. It wasn't developed further. This was compounded by the open-ended finale post. I suggest following up your setup of the story with more why!
Realism - 25%
Deleted Hyle Alihandross
Score: 5 Score: 2
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: 1 major realism hit and 1 minor realism hit. See comments for your second post.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Hyle Alihandross
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Rationale: No issues.
Deleted's Score: 3.65 Hyle Alihandross's Score: 2.6
Posts

Kamino Landing Platform

Lightning shatters the sky and strikes the spire atop the cloning complex towering before anyone who steps off their ship and onto the rain-slick landing platform. Kamino, the Planet of Storms, is known for its roiling seas and constant torrential downpour. The fall of the Galactic Empire hit the planet’s primary export of military cloning projects extremely hard, but the Kaminoans remained afloat, both figuratively with contracts to galactic warlords, and literally with the brilliant engineering of their iconic seaborne cities.

The initial landing pad is a wide circle designed to accommodate a variety of ships, and is connected to a series of other platforms as well. Every surface is slick with rain, but avoids flooding due to the sloped edges that allow the water to run off into the sea below and away from the centerpoint.

The cloning facility’s exterior is characterized by similar slopes, and raindrops rapidly transform into steam as they touch against the series of lightning rods around the platform, much like they would if they dripped onto a lightsaber blade.

History tells of the fateful encounter between Obi Wan Kenobi and renowned Bounty Hunter Jango Fett. The doors of the facility are sealed, which means that whatever challenge awaits you, will have to be faced in the heart of the omnipresent rainstorm.

The War might be over but there were still loose ends to tie up The Sentinel Network had heard rumours that the Collective had been looking into bioenhancement technology and that some of their agents had visited Kamino for research purposes. Hyle had volunteered to visit the planet in order if there was any truth to the rumours, or any significance to the facts.

The landing pad was completely deserted. Reaching out with the Force, Hyle was aware of a faint buzzing above the din of the wind, the rain, and the waves. Following the sound, he saw the seeker droid approaching, spider like arms outstretched, although the photoreceptor could no convey any discernable expression, Hyle could tell it was watching him intently, presumable to identify him to the contact he was supposed to be meeting.

A door opened, revealing a tall, broad sillhoutte in what appeared to some kind of uniform. Hyle could sense nothing through the Force, but the whole situation seemed off somehow. Surely any investigation involving Kamino's biotechnology would be conducted with the help of the local authoritie.

"Just one man." The figure asked. A woman. She was tall, taller than Hyle himself, he couldn't see much in the way of detail, but her voice and bearing only added to the impression that this meeting meant trouble. It must be a trap.

"The collective were never here were they? You set this up to draw us out."

"It seems your clan was cleverer than I gave them credit for, I had hoped to deal with a team, or member of the council."

The figure stepped into the wet, windswept gloom. She was not only taller and stockier than Hyle, but she was also older, with a hardbitten face and a cruel smile. She was also wearing an Imperial uniform.

"Sorry to disappoint you." Hyle said, blandly.

"Not at all" She said, with smile "You figured out my plans, ywhich means you are capable of reasoning, but then, I'm not here to reason with anyone."

She made an abrupt gesture. The droid lunged through the air. Hyle drew his pistol and fired off two shots, one of which barely clipped his target. He holstered the blaster and drew one of his electro staves, taking brutal backwing swing at the droid.

The red haired woman simply watched.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 15 December, 2017 10:34 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great job saying the mission in your first post. And then setting up hooks for your opponent.

The War might be over but there were still loose ends to tie up The Sentinel Network had heard rumours that the Collective had been looking into bioenhancement technology and that some of their agents had visited Kamino for research purposes. Hyle had volunteered to visit the planet in order if there was any truth to the rumours, or any significance to the facts. "The collective were never here were they? You set this up to draw us out."

Good job setting up the action at the end.

She made an abrupt gesture. The droid lunged through the air. Hyle drew his pistol and fired off two shots, one of which barely clipped his target. He holstered the blaster and drew one of his electro staves, taking brutal backwing swing at the droid.

Nice setting of the match.

Reaching out with the Force, Hyle was aware of a faint buzzing above the din of the wind, the rain, and the waves.

Can Be Improved

Motivations are key to ACC matches, some of which can be established as your character reacts to others. These are moments you could have followed up on to really flesh out Hyle more. I would have liked more info here. Something to make me really understand how your character thinks.You could even pull in your aspects.

Hyle had volunteered to visit the planet in order if there was any truth to the rumours, or any significance to the facts. "The collective were never here were they? You set this up to draw us out."

Easy Spelling/Grammar mistakes were pretty prevalent. A good proof could have prevented this. A few key things I’d like to point out though. First, watch out for hyphenated words like red-skinned. Second, punctuation while using quotes. Usually, it follows the general formula of “stuff,” said person OR “stuff,” said person, “more stuff.” OR “stuff!” said person.

The red[-]haired woman simply watched. "Sorry to disappoint you[,]" Hyle said, blandly. "Not at all[,]" [s]he said, with smile[,] "[y]ou figured out my plans, []which means you are capable of reasoning, but then, I'm not here to reason with anyone."

Holy run on Batman! Break this up.

Following the sound, he saw the seeker droid approaching, spider like arms outstretched[.] [A]lthough the photoreceptor could no convey any discernable expression, Hyle could tell it was watching him intently, presumably to identify him to the contact he was supposed to be meeting.

Prackx was almost amused at the younger Human’s battle with her droid.

“If you’re having that much trouble with my little droid, I hate to think how hard you’re going to find it when I attack,” she warned, quickly starting to grow bored.

Hyle clumsily swung his electro stave through the air, as though he were almost completely unfamiliar with the weapon.

I’ve had enough of this already. It’s almost hurting me just to watch! Granta thought as she drew her WESTAR-M5.

“I’m not going to be your easy target,” Hyle roared, his focus changing from the droid to its master.

“What could you possibly do to me?” Prackx taunted, the poor weather doing nothing to affect her aim as she fired her blaster. The Odanite desperately twirled his electro stave in the air, successfully blocking the plasma bolt with a move that owed far more to luck than to judgment.

“Come on! You must have a weapon that you actually know how to use! Put that frakking trophy down and give me a decent fight!” the Juggernaut hissed.

Hyle tossed the electro stave away, activating a yellow bladed lightsaber. Prackx followed suit and immediately went on the attack, attempting to smash her way past the male’s defences with a powerful, downward slash. The Odanite raised his blade to defend, but the blow was hard enough to send him staggering backwards.

Granta gave her opponent no time to recover. She was immediately on the attack again, probing the Shadow’s defences with strong, well thought out movements. Hyle did his best to parry, deflect and block, but he was quickly realising that he was a very distant second best.

With desperation starting to grow, Hyle moved his free hand to his belt, knocking his flash grenade to the ground.

There was a blinding flash of light.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 15 December, 2017 10:35 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice of your character’s aspect and skills.

“What could you possibly do to me?” Prackx taunted, the poor weather doing nothing to affect her aim as she fired her blaster.

Overall, again good fight scenes. They flowed well and made your second post have decent combat.

Can Be Improved

Motivations are key to ACC matches, some of which can be established as your character reacts to others. These are moments you could have followed up on to really flesh out Granta more. I would have liked more of this in response to Hyle’s earlier motivations for Granta. It would have helped push the story forward rather than just the fight itself.

Hyle had volunteered to visit the planet in order if there was any truth to the rumours, or any significance to the facts.

This is telling me what happened. I suggest writing this out in future to show me instead.

She was immediately on the attack again, probing the Shadow’s defences with strong, well thought out movements.

Spelling and grammar were pretty decent. Just keep an eye out for hyphenated words

Hyle tossed the electro stave away, activating a yellow[-]bladed lightsaber.

Hyle had covered his eyes from the blast, and, taking advantage of his opponents confusion, shoved his opponent sending her reeling through a combination of amplified strength and his own basic telekinetic abilities. unfortunately she didn't lip over the side of the platform, but Hyle did have the time and the space to draw his blaster and loose of a shot while he was still dazed. Even shooting with his off hand, there was no way he could have missed at that range, and he didn't, the shot hit her square on the right shoulder and she went down, not flat on her back, but in an ungainly semi upright sprawl. Holding the pistol in two hands now, he took a shot at the droid, landing a much more direct hit. It went down with a crash it was out of action but probably repairable.

The droid's master was on her feet now. Hyle hosltered his blaster and drew his lightsabre one more. She extended a hand, inner fingers folded against the palm, and almost of its own accord, Hyle's lightsabre whipped round, seemingly of its own accord, to block the lighting bolt his opponent had loosed. He pulled his discarded stave to his right hand. She was seemingly none the worse for wear for her wounded shoulder, strode forward with brutal, two handed, horiontal slash, which Hyle barely blocked with the stave. He countered with an unstready thrust, but she twisted at the last minute, the blow barely grazing her side.

Another swing and Hyle jumped back to dodge, the blade caught in his armoured cloak and scored against his ribs. With some effort, he dulled the pain and faced his opponent. If he could hold off long enough for the local security forces to arrive, then he could slip away in the confusion.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 15 December, 2017 10:36 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice description of combat. It flows well.

She was seemingly none the worse for wear for her wounded shoulder, strode forward with brutal, two handed, horiontal slash, which Hyle barely blocked with the stave. He countered with an unstready thrust, but she twisted at the last minute, the blow barely grazing her side.

Can Be Improved

This is minor realism issue. It is okay to combo things but since your Telekinesis requires your full concentration this won’t work. There is no concentration to spare for the Amplification piece.

Hyle had covered his eyes from the blast, and, taking advantage of his opponents confusion, shoved his opponent sending her reeling through a combination of amplified strength and his own basic telekinetic abilities.

This is a major realism issue due to the fact that you are using you are using your offhand while dazed from the flash grenade. You need the Ambidexterity feat to make up for the deficiency in your offhand. I suggest you pick that up if you wish to write this in the future. In addition, your accuracy will suffer when the loud noise from the flash grenade is preventing you from concentrating.

unfortunately she didn't lip over the side of the platform, but Hyle did have the time and the space to draw his blaster and loose of a shot while he was still dazed. Even shooting with his off hand, there was no way he could have missed at that range, and he didn't, the shot hit her square on the right shoulder and she went down, not flat on her back, but in an ungainly semi upright sprawl.

Endings usually aren't so open-ended. I’d suggest something more final in future matches.

With some effort, he dulled the pain and faced his opponent. If he could hold off long enough for the local security forces to arrive, then he could slip away in the confusion.

Easy Spelling/Grammar mistakes were pretty prevalent. A good proof could have prevented this. A key thing I’d like to point out though. Introductory clauses are separated from the main sentence with a comma. Also, pay attention to subjects like he and she. I am not clear who you are referring to with “he was still dazed”. You seem to imply she but say he. And Hyle still gets hit by the disruptive noise the flash grenade gives off. As such, I have to take it as it is written.

[U]nfortunately[,] she didn't lip over the side of the platform, but Hyle did have the time and the space to draw his blaster and loose of a shot while he was still dazed.

Having spotted Hyle’s movement, Prackx was already moving away when the flash grenade activated, diving to the ground as she covered her eyes. The loud noise emitted by the device kept her from immediately following her opponent, but the experienced soldier soon regained her orientation.

Meanwhile, the Odanite had tried his best to slip away, but found his intended exit had been locked, likely to prevent the fight from extending into the cloning facility itself.

Faced with the approaching Prackx, Hyle realised his options were running out, fast.

“Your clan have sacrificed you. Typical of the Jedi. Too weak to take on a real fight themselves,” Granta snorted.

“Don’t be so sure of yourself, Sith!” Alihandross snapped, hoping to catch his opponent out with a sudden charge. As he reached Prackx, he ducked down, trying to reach beneath the larger Human’s aim. The Juggernaut simply smirked and stepped aside, easily avoiding the man’s desperate lunge.

Hyle cursed under his breath, but, as he tried to turn to engage his enemy again, skidded on the soaking wet landing platform.

Prackx seized the opportunity. She swung her left arm towards Hyle, commanding the Force to scoop the fallen Odanite and fling him along the surface. Landing with a crunch, Hyle’s face contorted as the pain from the impact shot through his body.

Granta was far from done. She lifted the Shadow again, tossing him hard into a nearby wall.

“You would not normally be worth the trouble of killing,” Prackx hissed, starting to walk away from the beaten Alihandross.

Hyle allowed himself a small sigh of relief. He’d had a very torrid time at the hands of the giant woman.

Suddenly, Granta turned back, facing her opponent once more. Lifting him again, she unceremoniously tossed him off the side of the platform, into the raging ocean far below.

“I said normally. Try not to get too wet,” the ex-soldier quipped coldly, wrapping herself under a cloak as she prepared to leave the planet.

Aurora "Aura" Ta'var, 15 December, 2017 10:38 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Nice use of his aspect!

Meanwhile, the Odanite had tried his best to slip away, but found his intended exit had been locked, likely to prevent the fight from extending into the cloning facility itself.

Nice use of the environment.

Hyle cursed under his breath, but, as he tried to turn to engage his enemy again, skidded on the soaking wet landing platform.

Nice conclusion. Well done.

Suddenly, Granta turned back, facing her opponent once more. Lifting him again, she unceremoniously tossed him off the side of the platform, into the raging ocean far below. “I said normally. Try not to get too wet,” the ex-soldier quipped coldly, wrapping herself under a cloak as she prepared to leave the planet.

Can Be Improved

Need more info on what is going on in your character’s head. Your fight scenes are good but I need more why to really get into them. This is perfect example of wanting to know more.

Suddenly, Granta turned back, facing her opponent once more. Lifting him again, she unceremoniously tossed him off the side of the platform, into the raging ocean far below. “I said normally. Try not to get too wet,” the ex-soldier quipped coldly, wrapping herself under a cloak as she prepared to leave the planet.