Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven vs. Master Darth Aeternus

Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Master Darth Aeternus

Elder 2, Elder tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
Comment

Let me begin by saying that it was wonderful to see such a high-level match between two very experienced characters. The action was fast and furious, with fantastic skill on display. Lightning flew across the battlefield and it was clear that both of your characters were masters of their respective talents.

However, when dealing with such powerful characters, it's important to remind oneself that every power has limits. Realism errors were rampant in this match, mostly stemming from the extreme powers involved. It's important to have an intrinsic knowledge of the characters sheets, of the characters strengths, and especially of the limits of these strengths. Writing an ACC battle is just as much about writing what a character can't do as it is writing about what a character can do.

This match, then, was decided by the combatant who took a much more measured approach to the battle. With careful use of both characters abilities, an interesting story, and very clean syntax, the winner of this match is Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven, Master Darth Aeternus
Winner Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Master Darth Aeternus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 7 February, 2018 6:14 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Grot
Syntax - 15%
Darth Aeternus Rasilvenaira StormRaven
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Significant errors with punctuation, spelling, and formatting interfered with the reading experience Rationale: Minor errors were noted, but nothing that interfered with the reading.
Story - 40%
Darth Aeternus Rasilvenaira StormRaven
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: An interesting story to read, but repetitious description and a lack of detail prevented it from being more. Rationale: Well written and intriguing, clear effort was put into establishing the mood.
Realism - 25%
Darth Aeternus Rasilvenaira StormRaven
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple errors were noted, bringing this score down significantly. Rationale: One minor error was noted below.
Continuity - 20%
Darth Aeternus Rasilvenaira StormRaven
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: A single error was noted below. Rationale: A single error was noted below.
Darth Aeternus's Score: 3.2 Rasilvenaira StormRaven's Score: 4.0
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber—the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters itself through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with flora, large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumoured to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Lightning flashed overhead followed by the steady thrumming rolls of thunder. Rain started falling. Though it wasn't a torrential downpour, it was definitely steady enough to soak anyone out in it. The Sith scowled as she pulled her speeder bike up close to one of the toppled pillars near the entrance of the ruined Dark Temple. She cast a dark, baleful glare upward at the uncaring sky and then pulled the hood of her cloak further forward as she slipped off the speeder.

Clad entirely in black, the assassin blended perfectly with the shadows around her as she reached out to the Force, stretching her senses out as far as she could. Nothing appeared to be out of order, but the planet had always made Rasilvenaira's skin crawl for some reason. Shrugging it off, the Warlord pressed onward and headed slowly toward the entrance. Habit and paranoia had her fingers brushing lightly over each of her weapons ensuring their readiness should she need them, but for now she left them snugly clipped to her belt.

Just past what was once the grand, vaulted entryway glimpses of the sordid history of the Temple became visible. Carved reliefs on the walls, those that remained intact, recounted conquests and the power of the ancient Sith. However, it was the traces of more recent history that caught her dark eyes. Broken and long forgotten skeletons lay scattered against walls, or near crumbling pillars. Another scowl crossed her face. ”The things I do for my Clan. Braecen damned well be right about this or I might just end up killing him yet.” Her thoughts were dark as she moved further in, but she pushed them aside and focused on the task at hand. Her Proconsul had sent her here to find something, and that was what she intended to do.

Rasilvenaira glanced around, orienting herself as she compared what she saw around her to the details Braecen had given her. Nodding quietly, she moved further in. She kept her senses sharp, knowing full well the greatest dangers were often the ones unseen or overlooked. ”How he actually thinks there's anything left of value after ages of looters and this planet itself reclaiming the Temple..." her thought drifted off. He was an Adept, of course, and Braecen had always had an uncanny knack for knowing things and gaining information no one else would bother with. However, time after time that same information had ended up proving key to the Clan's continued survival. With a soft sigh, she shrugged again and kept walking. It wasn't her place to question. She just needed to get in, get the thing, and get out. Simple.

After several long minutes of searching, the Sith found what she was looking for, and chuckled softly to herself. Of course, a hidden cache that's become less hidden as the Temple falls down around it.

The Warlord ran her gloved fingers over the lines in the stone until she noticed where they were deeper. Grinning, she pulled the sturdy, well-worn hunting knife from its sheath and ran the spine of its blade down the crevice between stones, and then when she felt it catch, she pushed a little harder and the old mechanism gave way. The stone panel slowly slid open with a dull grinding noise. It got stuck part way open but that was enough space for the Sith to reach in and retrieve the small case. She tucked it into a pocket and started to turn around, and then froze. She heard footsteps coming toward her. She reached out with the Force, and growled softly under her breath.

She straightened herself up and slowly turned to face the figure as he stepped from the shadows. “Darth Aeternus,” her tone was cold, but she kept her voice low and steady. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

Aeternus arched a brow as he seemed to study the woman before him, “It appears you have something I want, and I can't let you take it back to Braecen.”

The Warlord grinned, holding her hands out to her sides, “Oh is that all? Well... I'm afraid that's unfortunate, probably for both of us. I have my orders, and I can't give you this. So, how about I just buy you a drink when we get back to the Clan and call it even, hm?”

The Dark Jedi Master shook his head, his expression grim. “That won't be good enough. I want that case. You'd do well to reconsider, Rasilvenaira. It'd be far less painful for you that way.”

Rasilvenaira frowned, “Yeah... never have been one to take the easy way. Sorry.” She slowly edged a couple steps to her left toward another large pile of rubble.

“So be it.” Aeternus delved deeply into the Force and took hold of the dark tendrils of power, bending them to his will. He raised one arm, hand outstretched. Ghostly pale tongues of lightning forked and sparked as they leapt toward his target.

The Sith dove for cover behind the rubble, but cursed as traces of the lightning still managed to catch her. She pressed herself against the ruined section of wall and tried to shake off the uncomfortable tingling that plagued her right leg. “Thrice damned Elders,” she muttered darkly.

Grot, 8 February, 2018 6:05 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

An interesting start to the story. A great effort is made to establish the mood and mystery of the scene, which drew me in instantly to the story. The text reads very smoothly and is generally very clean and well put together.

Can Be Improved

Some minor issues were noted with punctuation mistakes, but there was nothing that interrupted the flow especially.

A continuity error was made early into the post. The post begins by formatting thoughts with quotations marks and italics, then in the fifth paragraph the thoughts are presented in just italics, no quotation marks. Both of these formats are valid, but have to be used consistently.

A minor realism issue was also noted in the final paragraph when Rasilvenaira is partially struck by Aeternus’ Force Lightning. Force Lightning is a powerful ability, especially at +5, and even a glancing blow should cause significant pain and muscle spasms. Describing the effect as an “uncomfortable tingling” stretched my belief at the damage.

“Only thrice?” Aeternus answered, as he raised his other arm, and brought it to the side in a sweeping motion. He could feel the power of the Dark Side in the temple, and easily swept away most of the rubble Rasilvenaira was hiding behind, dangerously exposing her.

At the same time, the darkness became almost a physical thing. All light vanished from a small area, centered around where the warlord had hidden. Frustrated, the Sith Lord grunted, and raised both his hands. Drawing on the power centered in the temple, he let loose with several tendrils of blue, eldritch, lightning, into the area where he expected her to be.

Relishing in the pure power streaming from him, he was slightly startled by the unexpected sound that answered him. A cry of anger and hatred almost as pure as the darkness in the temple. It was not a human sound. As the darkness turned to light, he saw what had occurred.

An animal as tall as himself was staring at him, it’s eyes angry from the pain just inflicted on it. One of its four claws was scraping the floor. The fur on its neck was quivering, and as it saw what hurt it, it let out a large howl, sending slaver out of its maw, which was filled with dagger-like teeth. Somehow, Rasilvenaira had slipped away, and managed to urge a gundark to take her place. He knew of Sith who could manage that, even if the skill to influence animals was more common in Jedi, but had not expected to be facing one today. It was rare to be able to influence beasts to such a degree, but with the power emanating from the old temple, he was not entirely surprised she had managed such a feat. Nonetheless, in the brief timespan he had to prepare, he was impressed.

It howled again, and charged straight at him. Taking his regular lightsaber in his right hand, he let the dark side overcome him, and his mind cleared. He took his regular saber in his right hand, igniting it, and waited until the last moment possible to dodge aside. As he came to his feet in one fluid motion, and turned just in time to see the howl in pain again. In his dodge, the Master had cut off a large part of one of it’s claws. Raising his left hand, a brief burst of power send it stumbling enough for him to get in close enough to send his blade into the back of the animal. Already distracted by its pain, and fighting to keep his balance, the animal had not paid attention to what happened behind it, and had had its heart pierced.

Feeling more then hearing prevented the Sith Lord from falling to strangely calculated act of synchronous fate. Turning just in time turned the stiletto aimed for his own heart into a mere scratch on his arm. Almost instinctively he sent the other Sith flying a few feet away from him, and brought up his left arm to bring an end to this.

Before he had a chance, he felt his head spin. “What the.. “, he muttered, and saw the cut on his arm. As he focussed on staying on his knees, he let the power of the dark side flow through him once more, purging the poison from his blood.

Grot, 8 February, 2018 6:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The inclusion of the gundark was a wonderful use of the venue, and a clever use of Rasilvenaira’s character sheet. Both characters in general were written very well and the combat moved along at an exciting pace.

Can Be Improved

A bevy of grammatical problems have really hurt the score here. Numerous issues with comma splices, misspellings, and missing words were present throughout the post and detracted from the experience of reading it.

The story at times felt sparse and lacking in significant details. The descriptions can become repetitive and excessively dry, and detracted from my interest in the story.

A number of realism issues were noted throughout the post. In the first paragraph Aeternus easily swept away the rubble Rasilvenaira was hiding behind with barely an effort. However, with his Telekinesis at +3, moving such a large pile of debris out of the way should take considerable effort and concentration.

The appearance of the gundark was extremely sudden. From the moment Rasilvenaira hid herself with Blackness, there was enough time for Aeternus to grunt and launch a bolt of Force Lightning. Perhaps a few seconds. Yet in these few seconds Rasilvenaira not only escaped, but also managed to coax a gundark into her previous position. The timescale here significantly stretches belief.

At the end Aeternus uses Telekinesis to throw Rasilvenaira away from him a few feet. Assuming this was a use of the Hammer Time feat, it would be powerful enough to do so, but should have been a noticeably slow attack, giving Rasilvenaira time to react. Assuming this was more traditional Telekinesis, it would similarly be powerful enough, but should have also taken significant effort and concentration as Rasilvenaira is both a large object and almost certainly attempting to resist the power.

At the end there was a noted continuity error,

“Before he had a chance, he felt his head spin. “What the.. “, he muttered, and saw the cut on his arm. As he focussed on staying on his knees, he let the power of the dark side flow through him once more, purging the poison from his blood.

Aeternus ended the fight with the gundark up on his feet, and could not have dodged the strike from Rasilvenaira just a few seconds earlier if it had knocked him down to his knees. Having him suddenly described here down on his knees is missing a sentence of description to get him to that point.

Rasilvenaira cursed as the strike she'd intended missed its mark. Then she found herself tossed backwards into another pile of rubble. She grunted in pain at the impact and the feeling of rough stone digging into her through her clothes. The stiletto tumbled from her grasp as the pain jarred nerves throughout her body.

The minor reprieve granted by the effects of her poisoned weapon proved to be all too brief. The Warlord had just managed to push herself back up to her feet before she was slammed against the rubble again even harder. A cry of pain escaped her lips as Rasilvenaira was sure she felt ribs crack under the force of the blow. The Sith coughed, and winced as the motion sent fresh waves of agony through her battered body.

Rasilvenaira glanced up as she heard the Master approaching, the soft hum of his saber seeming louder than normal as he drew closer. She struggled to get back to her feet, her right hand dropping to the hilt of one of her own sabers.

“You really should have done this the easy way.” Aeternus' voice was cold as he spoke.

The Warlord managed a wry smile. “Where's the fun in that?”

Aeternus lifted his left hand and crackling arcs of lightning burst forth toward the Aedile. Rasilvenaira brought her saber up just in time to block the bulk of the bolt. She squinted and hissed under her breath as some still arced past her saber's blade.

Rasilvenaira's left hand closed on the small vial in one pocket as she took a step back. She adjusted the grip on the saber in her right hand, opting for a somewhat more defensive stance as she hoped to gain some distance. Her body ached and her breathing was growing ragged. The Sith knew she needed to end this fight or escape soon, and she wasn't liking the odds of actually surviving if it continued.

Anger darkened the Elder's expression as he pressed the attack. He gestured with his left hand and the Warlord growled as she felt the invisible fist closing around her throat, preventing her from getting away. Her lightsaber dropped to the ground, extinguishing itself with a low hiss.

He stalked closer, holding the woman in place. “Just give me the case you found here, and you can walk away from this,” he snarled at her.

Rasilvenaira attempted to laugh, but it came out more a raspy cough instead. “Too late, you already lost.”

He sneered, voice dripping with contempt. “And how do you figure that?”

The Sith felt the grip on her throat loosen just enough to let her speak, but she was still unable to move away from him. She gave a small shrug. “While you were playing with my gundark friend, I sent my droid off with the case. By now Wisp is on his way back home and Braecen will still get the item. And he'll know you were here too.”

Aeternus shook his head. “You're bluffing. What droid? I never saw a droid with you.”

Rasilvenaira's dark eyes flickered with amusement. “That's the thing about seeker droids. They see you, but you don't see them.”

She gasped when the grip on her throat tightened again as the Elder's anger surged. He stepped closer, and glared at her. “I can handle Braecen later then. As for you, I'm sure he already expected you to encounter some... hazards here.”

The Warlord focused every ounce of energy she could spare on the Force, and pushed out with it, seeking to disrupt the Elder's grip just enough. When his control over the Force wavered, Aeternus looked at her in a brief flash of surprise. In that instant, Rasilvenaira tipped the contents of the vial into her left hand and flung the blinding dust into the man's face.

Free of the Elder's grasp, Rasilvenaira turned and attempted to flee as quickly as she could manage, given the stabbing pain from her broken ribs and increasing difficulty in taking deeper breaths. She was reluctant to kill him, even though she might have had the chance. She knew he could still be useful to her Clan. Instead she focused her attention on fading into the shadows, wrapping the blackness around herself as she sought to put enough distance between herself and the Elder. She hoped he would give up on chasing her and leave.

However, in her bid for escape, the Sith allowed her efforts to distract her too much. Focused on maintaining the veil of shadows and tracking the Elder's whereabouts through the Force, the Warlord never noticed the gaping hole in the floor until it was too late.

More bones snapped on impact when Rasilvenaira hit the floor of the small cavern she'd fallen into. Above her she heard Aeternus' laughter; apparently, he realized what had happened to her. The sound faded, and it seemed he assumed she'd perished, or would soon.

The Sith attempted to sit up, then thought better of it as she felt the searing pain followed by the feeling of broken bones grating against each other. Then another sound caught her attention and she froze. Rasilvenaira found and managed to ignite her remaining saber, and the glow only served to confirm what her senses had suggested. The cavern was home to a small pack of Vine Cats, and they were eying what they considered to be their next meal, conveniently dropped into their home.

“Oh, gizka spit.”

Grot, 8 February, 2018 6:20 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The ending here was handled well and kept me interested until the very end. You do a very good job of injecting menace into the character of Darth Aeternus, making him seem to be a genuine threat, and having your character react realistically to that threat. The ending felt natural, like something I would see in an Indiana Jones movie.

Can Be Improved

Similar grammatical errors to the first post, but nothing that detracted from the writing.

The first sentences the post merely restates what has already been described in the previous post, but from Rasilvenaira’s point of view. This should generally be refrained from, to avoid confusing the reader.

The Sith lord went to one knee, the best he could manage under the circumstances. Knowing Rasilvenaira was going to attack while he was weakened, but not in a state to respond to it properly, he put one hand on the ground, grasping a handful of dirt. The Dark Side erupted around him, lightning springing from the ground in a circle.

As he used his power to rid himself of the poison, he quickly came to the conclusion that the terms of this fight had to change. He shook his head to clear the last bit of fog from his mind, and stood up again. The dirt he still had in his hand, he threw around him, using it as a focus. Everywhere it landed, his lightning arced. The immediate area around him was suddenly saturated with tendrils of electrified dark side energy, and not even the warlord could hide from it.

He finally heard her gasp in pain. Turning towards her, he saw she was now the one on her knees. While not as powerful as a focused blast, the tendril that struck her was still powerful enough to stun her briefly.

“I told you I would not let you have it”, Aeternus said, as he ignited both his sabers. Charging at her, he let go of all forms of subtlety, and simply rushed at his opponent.

His first trike was a blunt overhead attack, which the Shadow barely managed to block. Ducking out of its direction, she was just in time to deflect a stab from the Juggernaut’s saber claws, the darkness of those a contrast to the blue blade of his regular saber. Each strike was followed by another, and she had no chance to jump out. She had never seen him fight, but now saw why Grand Masters had put him on the front lines more then once: he was a weapon, and a deadly one at that. And in this fight, she was outmatched.

As she blocked another strike, she suddenly saw her saber spark. Part of her saber fell to the ground, cut off. Not even hesitating, she drew two knives, one regular, one double bladed, and raised them.

Even if she had been able to get them up in time, they would have done no good. A dark blue blade was coming straight for her throat, and she realized she would not be able to avoid it. She snarled, preparing to go out defiantly.

She could feel the heat on her throat. But the pain never came. Surprised, she noticed the attack had stopped with exact precision just away from hitting her. Frowning, she looked at the Sith Lord. “what are you waiting for? Finish this.”

The blue blade disappeared. “No. I won’t. You passed.”

A curious mixture of surprise, anger, and frustration crossed the warlord’s face. “Passed? What the feth are you talking about?”

“Braecen sent me here to test you. And perhaps to test me, as well. You passed. You faced death, and did so unflinchingly. You showed you would die for your clan.” a pause. “Our clan.”

Yet more surprise. “Our clan? Wait.. What?”

“Tarentum has been, for all intents and purposes, destroyed in the war. I have decided to move to Scholae Palatinae. So.. shall we go home?”

Grot, 8 February, 2018 6:35 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The story felt very well fleshed out in the post, and a significant improvement over the first. The fighting is fast, and does not allow itself to get dragged down. The ending was nice and the interaction between the characters felt believable.

Can Be Improved

Similar grammatical issues to the first post, which continued to distract from the story. One particular error in the final two paragraphs involved the use of ellipses. Ellipses should always use exactly three dots, not two.

Realism continues to be an issue, particularly with the use of Force Lightning in this post.

”...he put one hand on the ground, grasping a handful of dirt. The Dark Side erupted around him, lightning springing from the ground in a circle.”

” The dirt he still had in his hand, he threw around him, using it as a focus. Everywhere it landed, his lightning arced.”

Force Lightning is a targeted burst of electrical energy, which can be directed towards a single target. With the Elder Storm feat, Aeternus is capable of sustaining this lightning and channeling it in a chain from one target to another, or splitting it into multiple bursts and attacking multiple targets. Using force lightning in the ways described stretches the limits of this power to breaking, so much that it broke my suspension of belief. Aeternus can attack multiple targets, but he cannot attack dozens of targets as small as a clod of earth in a circle all around him. Aeternus can direct his lightning into a small area, but cannot electrify the earth and stone beneath him.