Warlord Vestril vs. Battlelord Raiju Kang

Warlord Vestril

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Sephi, Sith, Juggernaut, Obelisk
vs.

Battlelord Raiju Kang

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Nautolan, Sith, Marauder
Comment

Thank you, both for putting up such a close fight here. I hope you will continue to make use of the ACC and always strive to improve your writing.

For this match, in particular, I loved the level of storytelling and description on display from Raiju, but got the feeling that Vestril was much more adept with the combat and action writing. Both of you had some significant problems with syntax that, unfortunately, detracted from my enjoyment of this, however. As a general note, I would recommend that both of you make sure to have your posts proofread prior to posting, as these are very easy points.

Early on in the match, Raiju story pulled ahead with a more engaging and well thought out narrative, but a number of slip-ups evened the score out with his opponent. As such this match ended up primarily being determined by the differences in realism between the two opponents. While Raiju's posts had a minor error involving the color of his lightsaber, this ultimately ended up being a minor issue. Vestril's posts, despite the engaging combat, struggled to portray the combat and use of Force powers accurately according to the ACC's system, and ended up losing enough points to decide the match.

As such, the winner is Raiju Kang

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Vestril, Battlelord Raiju Kang
Winner Battlelord Raiju Kang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Vestril's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Battlelord Raiju Kang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Luprora: Rising Tides
Last Post 13 February, 2018 3:52 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Grot
Syntax - 15%
Warden Lontra Boglach Occultan Iacul
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Significant errors with punctuation, spelling, and formatting. Rationale: Significant errors with punctuation, spelling, and formatting.
Story - 40%
Warden Lontra Boglach Occultan Iacul
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: The story was interesting and well written, with a good amount of context and story to back it up. However, a lack of conflict in the first post and an erroneous use of NPCs in the last post significantly hurt the score. Rationale: The story was perfectly adequate, with the actions sequences in particular standing out. However, it lacks the sort of narrative, context, or artistry that would characterize a higher score.
Realism - 25%
Warden Lontra Boglach Occultan Iacul
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: A single error involving Raju's lightsaber Rationale: Multiple realism errors significantly hurt the score here.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Lontra Boglach Occultan Iacul
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors were noted. Rationale: No errors were noted.
Warden Lontra Boglach's Score: 3.65 Occultan Iacul's Score: 3.4
Posts

Luprora Rising Tides

At one point in time Luprora stood as a haven to the immigrated Lupr’or. The haven did not last as worsening climates reduced the population down to a single settlement. All that remains is the corpse of a civilization, constructed from a combination of wood and metal that barely resemble buildings. They function more as a protective shell and a solid frame for those that remain, hoped to be far outside the reach of the native threats.

The rising tide of the expansive seas lap at the outcroppings of obsidian rock that makes up what remains of the land. Mountainous croppings that shrink with the coming waters. Passageways and staircases are carved into the stone itself, left to assist those travelling in low tide. The scattered relics of technology lies abandoned throughout the expanse as a testament to the Lupr'or's original immigration, left unused and at the mercy of erosion and time.

Luprora Rising Tides

The tide stands as the greatest threat to life on Luprora. Starting at its lowest point at dawn, the tide rises throughout the day and brings with it the native Tsw’ells. These tentacled monstrosities sleep in the earliest hours of the morning and reside in the ocean’s waters. It is ill-advised to travel along the shoreline, as Tsw’ells have been known to drag unsuspecting individuals to their deaths beneath the waves. These massive creatures aren't the lone threat to those who trespass upon the surface. The R’ora live among the shallow outcroppings across the planet. Extremely territorial, this species is sentient enough to wield primitive polearms and rely on the presence of Tsw’ells for protection.

Luprora the haven is a promise lost to the sea, with only the battle for survival left behind.

Luprora
Edge of the Planet’s Atmosphere

“Who in their right mind would come here…?”

The words had been quick to leave the Nautolan’s mouth following a whistle. When the planet had first appeared as a bright blue orb in the TIE Defender’s viewport, it had looked inviting - especially since the deep blue of the planet’s oceans called to a longing in the Nautolan that he would never shake. Yet, as the fighter approached the planet, the planet’s hostile nature began to show on the craft’s sensors. Meant as pungent at first, the remark seemed inconsideration as the alien skimmed over the nav computer’s summary showcasing that all that was known on this world; was suffering.

Adjusting a dial on the scanner, Raiju Kang focused the craft’s scans on the pocketed islands and mountain ranges in the vicinity of the planet’s only known settlement. It didn’t take the craft long to search through the few tractable pieces of land, and sure enough, he had a hit - which was interrupted by the buzzing call of the craft’s comlink.

“For forcesake…What does he want now?” The Nautolan muttered to himself, switching his ship’s comlink to an encrypted setting before accepting the hail.

“Imperator, are you receiving?” The familiar, husky voice of the clan’s Proconsul crackled out of the comlink.

“Can confirm, go ahead Braecen.”

“I wanted to remind you of the importance of taking the target alive.” The Proconsul seemed to dwell on the last word. However, before the Nautolan could respond, the man quickly continued. “She could be a great asset to both of us, but I will be the one determining that. When you’ve made contact and have control on the situation, send us your location.”

A pop sounded from the comlink as the connection was hastily ended, and Raiju gave the terminal a side glare.

“Micro-managing, moof-milker.”


Every step had the potential to be hazardous.

With the waves crashing on the rocks below, climbing towards the mid-day sun overhead, Raiju was careful as he made his way down the obsidian stone. Having been able to find, what seemed like, the only flat and stable terrain to land his fighter; the Nautolan had began making his way along the passageways and staircases that lead down from mountain top to the perils below. Every so often, when he felt confident in the terrain under his foot, the Nautolan would activate the scan pulse on his wrist to see if the target was within his vicinity. While nothing continued to show up on land, for awhile now some large creature had moved along the shoreline with the Nautolan as he carefully navigated the cliffs - no doubt, some aquatic predator waiting for an easy snack if the Nautolan fell.

Moving as best he could towards the inner island when given the chance to by the passageways, Raiju noticed abandoned eroding equipment had began to line his path. Stopping at one point to examine a peculiar device, that strangely looked like an old astromech droid, the Nautolan fiddled with the machine. He had no idea what the thing was and just happened upon a small hatch that’s hinge was partly seized - allowing him to just barely see something that looked like a fuse box inside. Shrugging in dismissal, he had attempted to close the hatch but it seemed to be stuck in place now. Kicking the machine in frustration, the Nautolan’s toe protested in pain and caused a curse leap from Raiju’s lips. No sooner then when he had regained composure, did an eerie feeling fall over the open top passageway and the Nautolan realize it had been some time since he checked his pulse scan.

Something told the Nautolan he didn’t have time to check the device now, following the instinct he leapt forward on the path, hopped again, and then dove towards the ground. Behind the Nautolan, it sounded like something heavy slapped the stone ground before something else clanged into the stone, and then it happened again. At this point, the Nautolan had tucked himself forward so that he landed on the nap of his neck and rolled his weight onto his shoulder blades; rolling himself across the ground and away from the threat behind him. The momentum carried him forward as he twisted on the ground from his back to his side and then to his front, resting on his stomach and looking back from which he had came.

Standing in the passageway, just a few feet away from the machine the Nautolan had been playing with, two large bipedal creatures howled at the Nautolan. One was dark red in skin tone, while his counterpart was lighter; yet both had the same gruesome features. Almost reptilian in nature, the pair had a mouth full of pointed teeth and a long tongue that flickered between the rows. Sharp scales protruded from the back of their skulls, while their faces were smooth and highlighted dark eyes. While the pink one carried a spear, the red one had a makeshift two-handed axe; and yet both had a pair of long tentacles that wrapped around their shoulders from their spines and flailed in the air as the creatures hissed and howled.

Clambering to his feet, Raiju’s hands darted to his belt. Producing a sith sword in his left hand, held in a reverse grip that ran it protectively down his forearm, while his right hand clutched his lightsaber; the passageway was illuminated with the dark orange tone of the lightsaber’s blade. Holding his ground, Raiju planted his left side towards the creatures and held his sith sword protectively in front of him while his lightsaber hung loosely behind him.

The creatures didn’t seem hesitant at the sight of a lightsaber, perhaps not even knowing what it was, and were quick to advance on the Sith. The creature with the spear was the first to reach the Nautolan and he wasted no time thrusting his spear tip at Raiju’s head. The weapon glance high in the air as Raiju’s sith sword lifted it up, stabled by the forearm it rested upon, and there the Nautolan held the spear as he wanted to bring his lightsaber round to cleave the weapon in half. Yet, another blade was quick to beat the Nautolan’s to it.

From the top of the passageway wall, a crimson blade soared into the battle and clipped the creature’s spear. Another clang echoed through the passageway as the top half of the spear rolled down Raiju’s blade and landed at the feet of a long-eared woman - who held a crimson lightsaber pike. Counting the new combatant as an ally, Raiju adjusted the swipe of his lightsaber to plunge deep into the chest of the pink creature. Yet, a sharp pain gabbed into his side from the blunt end of the woman’s lightsaber pike - knocking the wind from the Nautolan and forcing him to take a knee in recoil.

“Don’t kill, more come!” Were the only words of explanation the woman offered, which fed the fury in the Nautolan.

As the woman advanced upon the creatures in an effort to pacify them, or so that’s how Raiju understood it, the Nautolan regained his composure and watched as the Sephi woman cleaved the remaining hilt of the spear in half again. This time, with her body extended and the point of her lightsaber extended protectively between her and the pink creature, Raiju focused on a point in front of his palm which he shoved forward towards the woman’s back. The momentum of the attack wasn’t enough to topple the woman, for that hadn’t been the purpose, but it had been enough to stumble the woman forward and plunge her crimson blade into the creature’s body cavity.

A squeal of pain died as the pink creature sunk from the woman’s blade to the ground, slapping the stone heavily. After which, a blood-curdling howl erupted from the red-skinned creature as it took in the sight of his counterpart. When the woman recovered her feet, she was quick to shot the Nautolan a look of disbelief as a smile quickly crossed Raiju’s face.

Grot, 20 February, 2018 12:51 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The level of description here is quite impressive. The post does a great job of establishing the setting and driving home how treacherous Luprora is.

Can be Improved

Numerous spelling, punctuation, capitalization, and formatting errors that really detracted from the post. In particular there were persistent problems with comma splices and run-on sentences. It's important to have every post proofread before posting.

There was a significant lack of conflict between Vestril and Raiju in this post. Keep in mind that the ACC is intended to be a battle between the two opponents, and the focus of the writing should be surrounding that conflict.

When Raiju first draws his lightsaber, the following is written,

"..the passageway was illuminated with the dark orange tone of the lightsaber’s blade"

However, on Raiju's character sheet his lightsaber is listed as having a bright blue blade. It's important to ensure you use your weapons they way they are listed and described on the character sheet, and this is an error which will count towards realism.

“Fool,” the woman spat at Raiju as she flicked her lightsaber pike’s blade sideways, and silenced the screeching monster. Vestril turned slowly to face the Battlelord and raised her weapon to point at the man. The Sephi’s reddish-orange eyes seemed to bore into the Nautolan.

My Braecen said to show you my skill. Said not to let you leave.” Raiju took a small step back at her words and murderous grin spread across the Warlord’s lips. The Quaestor managed to repress the rising feeling of doom within himself even as he began to feel betrayed. The two Sith stared each other down for several seconds as Raiju gauged his chances and realized his Proconsul had sent him after his assassin.

Without warning Vestril flicked two fingers toward Raiju and the monster corpses flung past her at the Battlelord. A quick succession of slashes cleared the bodies from in front of the Quaestor. With Force augmented speed in the blink of an eye Vestril had closed the distance between them. Her blade moved in a flurry - a promise of death. Raiju found himself pushed backwards by the continuous onslaught of probing strikes smashed against his defenses. His fingers and hands gradually became numb as his forearms screamed in protest from the powerful onslaught of Vestril’s attacks crashed like waves against his Sith sword and lightsaber. Finally with a cross guard the Battlelord managed to catch the Sephi’s blade upon both of his weapons, and the two Sith became bound into a saber lock.

A red-orange glow illuminated their faces as they strained against one another. With her sheer strength, the Warlord forced Raiju backward and down onto a knee. Raiju dared a peek behindand noted that roughly in a meter the passageway ended. Vestril seized the opening and lashed out with a quick kick, catching the Quaestor in the chest and sent him to the ground. The man rolled backward with the momentum and quickly found his feet. The Force screamed a warning into his mind. With not a moment to spare he dove out of the passageway. The stone wall, just behind where he had stood, cracked and broke apart as if a landspeeder had collided with it.

Vestril stared at where her quarry had escaped. Repressed memories flooded her mind. Her right eye began to twitch as she mentally strained against the oncoming psychosis. With rising anger, the Sephi sprung onto the wall opposite the opening Raiju had disappeared through and leapt out of the passageway. While in mid air, pain flooded into her awareness as and invisible fist struck her in the jaw. The Warlord bounced off the ground, still a meter from where Raiju stood, and her pike skidded away across the open courtyard. The pain quickly rushed out of her consciousness with help from the Force. Vestril propelled herself to the right, the Force’s warning still tingled along her spine. The Battlelord’s orange saber cut deep into the rocks where the Sephi had been moments before.

“Why would Bracen want me dead?” The Quaestor questioned the older Sith and altered his stance in preparation.

My Braecen did not say,” the reply came slowly as she rose to her feet, “and I did not ask.” The Warlord’s posture had drastically changed from moments before. Half crouched, she stood on the balls of her feet, and let her arms hang at her side. Raiju shifted his stance once more, as he noted something was different about the Sephi; her behavior seemed more akin to a predatory feline than a sentient being.

As the two Sith stared each other down they began to hear the howling of beasts from the passageway they had just inhabited.

Grot, 20 February, 2018 1:14 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The fight was fast and thoroughly entertaining to read. The speed and pace of the action felt very well done and exciting.

Can be Improved

A number of spelling, formatting, and punctuation mistakes brought the score down here. It's important to proofread every post thoroughly before submitting.

The story feels very sparse, and while packed with action, I find myself missing a lot of context and narrative that might have made the post more interesting to read.

The lightsaber battle between Vestril and Kang felt unrealistically one-sided. Though Raiju may be inferior to Vestril physically, he is still fast and more skilled in the use of both his saber and Sith sword. Further, taking into account his Force abilities, he should have been able to put up much more of an even fight, at least for a time.

Following the lightsaber battle, there's the following incident,

"With not a moment to spare he dove out of the passageway. The stone wall, just behind where he had stood, cracked and broke apart as if a landspeeder had collided with it."

It's not very clear here what sort of Force power may have caused this, but I'm going to operate under the assumption it was a use of the Hammer Time feat as it's the only power on Vestril's sheet that might be capable of this. Put simply, Hammer Time is not in any way strong enough to cause this sort of damage to a solid rock wall. The feat's text describes it as being as "powerful as a haymaker punch", enough to knock people off their feet, but nowhere near enough to smash boulders.

A lump formed in the Nautolan’s throat, which briefly refused to be swallowed by the Battlelord. If it wasn’t from the howls on the coming threat, it had to be from the complications surrounding the woman in front of him. And it caused a brief sense of panic.

Enough. Raiju was forceful with himself. It wouldn’t be the first time an assassin lied, or a Sith for that matter, but doubt in this moment will just throw off your game.

The Nautolan’s body had started to protest the previous exchange with aches and stiffness setting into Raiju’s extremities. Yet, when the Nautolan dismissed his concerns over the potential assassin and moved to reengage; a familiar warmth touched his flesh and soothed it’s concerns. Perhaps sensing the Nautolan’s actions, the woman used her stance to leap for her lightsaber pike and rolled over the device to spring back onto her feet with it clutched in her hands again.

A renewed sense of vigor built in the Nautolan with each step and swing he took towards the Sephi, constructing a series wild strikes, parries, and ripostes into a fluid dance. Feeling awkward and clumsy at first, the combination of movements fed into one another and gave his strikes confidence and precision. Guided by his rubbery skinned right hand, the Battelord’s lightsaber was the first to leap at the lady and just slightly clipped her lightsaber pike on it’s tip; forcing the weapon to kick up. No longer in it’s reverse grip, Raiju’s sith sword dove over the Nautolan’s shoulder to protect his back as he spun on his toes with the momentum. From here, the Nautolan advanced upon the woman with his lightsaber and sith sword battering either side of the Sephi’s defenses; and when an opportunity presented itself the Nautolan would stab at the lady in her opening.

To her credit, while upon constant assault, she still was able to twist and contort her body to avoid the edge of the Nautolan’s weapons. Yet, when Raiju had settled into a connecting series of attacks; he didn’t let up. This drove the battle across the clearing and back again, all the while the howling of approaching danger grew. When the wave of hostiles finally entered the clearing, they were met by what could only be described as organized chaos.

The first red-skinned creature to emerge from the passage with a blood curdling roar made the mistake of pausing to look at the two combatants; and quickly found the Nautolan disengaging from the Sephi. From the Nautolan’s open grasp, his lightsaber sailed into the creature’s chest before leaping back out to its master’s outstretched hand. Every following creature now had to leap over their fallen comrade as they entered the clearing, and the Nautolan made note of each new arrival along with the Sephi’s movements. When the next creature entered, Raiju was riding across the ground on his knees, bent back to avoid the horizontal slash of Vestril’s pike, and closed the distance to the new challenger. From here, Raiju leap to his feet again and slashed his lightsaber up from the ground through the creature’s crotch, midsection, and head; causing the dissected creature’s mass to collapse to separate piles.

The next pair of creatures to enter the clearing chose to engage the woman instead, allowing Raiju the freedom to intercept a third trailing creature. Switching to a reverse grip, the Nautolan charged forward with his left forearm raised and collided with the creature as a holo-ball carrier into the defensive team. Using the flat side of his sith sword as a shield between them, Raiju drove the creature into the stone wall and held him there, while he jabbed his lightsaber into its side. During this time he noted the Sephi had quickly caught one of the creature’s attacked on the hilt of her pike and had it held there while she kicked the other smartly in the stomach and doubled it over. Yet, while she was quick to use the tip of her weapon to cleave cleanly through both after this, Raiju knew it was just a matter of time before they would be overrun. Remembering the other passage leading to a dead-end, the Nautolan knew they could only go back now.

“Our best chance now is to drive back, towards the water’s edge and see if there is another pathway along the cliff-face!” The Nautolan’s voice was firm, and left no opening for arguments from the Sephi as he leapt over the corpse blocking the passage’s entrance.

Raiju had little care or concern at this point if the the Sephi followed his flight, but when he rounded a corner into a hard punch that grounded him, he was thankful for the crimson blade that lashed out over him into the creature. Now following the Sephi, Raiju had to admire her when she kept the creature on the end of her pike and trotted it backwards into the next coming pair of enemies and downed the trio like they were just a skewer for the barbeque. As Sephi and Nautolan leapt over the bodies, the sound of waves on the rocks alerted Raiju to the nearing of the shoreline.

Yet. what was suppose to be a comforting scenery for the Nautolan ended up being a nightmare.

Coming to the end of the passageway, a small clearing connected the passage to intersecting paths along the coastline and to either side the paths were blocked by the red-skinned creatures. However, this wasn’t even the worst of the scenery. Instead, flailing as they climbed higher and higher along the rock face were massive pink tentacles that lead back to the water below. And to make matters worse, howling from behind the pair warned the Nautolan that returning to the passage was futile as well. The Nautolan and Sephi were properly trapped.

“I’m starting to think that Braecen didn’t want just one of us dead…” Raiju mumbled under his breath, as he took in the view of their surroundings. It was a tense moment, but the Nautolan wasn’t able to give up.

Launching himself at the R’ora blocking the trail to this left, Raiju had hopes that the Sephi would cover the trail to the right. While he was able to cut down a few of the creatures, he noticed they weren’t as willing to engage him anymore and seemed to be waving and jesturing at the Nautolan and Sephi while calling towards the water in some ill-formed hoots and whistles. This prompted the tentacles to begin slapping the rockface around the Nautolan and Sephi. However, Raiju wasn’t going to allow the pair to be fish food and gathered his hilts in one hand while the other dove into the pockets of his robe. Emerging with an active countdown ticking on the device, Raiju produced a thermal detonator and hurdled the object back towards the small clearing and opening of the passage way.

Uncaring how the Sephi would handle the explosion, Raiju quickly turned into the cliff-face and huddled into the largest crack he could find.

The sound of the explosion was deafening, leaving a ringing in the Nautolan’s ears. While he struggled to clear his sense, opening and closing his jaw to stop that damn ring, Raiju turned to look at the damaged the device had caused. Where there had once been a small clearing, it now had been removed and left a number of jagged rocks tumbling to the water’s surface below and driving the tentacled monster back from the shoreline. Across from him, on the opposite pathway up the cliff-face, an angered looking Sephi stood with her lightsaber pike still draw but the last of the R’ora blocking her path had tumbled from their ledges leaving her pathway clear - away from the Nautolan.

While Raiju’s own pathway seemed clear of threats, having either tumbled down to the water with the rocks or abandoned in retreat, he knew that his own path would take him far away from the Sephi and back to his fighter. Yet, given what he had learned today he was okay with letting the Sephi go for now.

Grot, 20 February, 2018 6:46 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I continue to enjoy the level of description and storytelling on display. It's clear that thought and effort were put into the narrative.

Can be Improved

Syntax continues to be an issue, It's important to remember to have your posts proofread prior to posting.

It's important to remember that the ACC is a venue for two characters to fight eachother in a duel. In that spirit, having NPCs interfere in the fight between two combatants, or come in to end the fight, is something that should not be done under any circumstances. The fight is between Raiju and Vestril, not them and a pack of R'ora. Their prominent appearance here significantly hurt the story.

The howls grew progressively louder and louder as the two Sith stared each other down, their muscles tensed and relaxed in reaction to the smallest movement from the other. A sneer distorted the Sephi’s face as a rumbling growl issued forth from her lips. Vestril flicked two fingers and the five throwing daggers on Raiju’s belt, propelled by the Force, tore out of their pouch like shrapnel from an explosion. It took but a heartbeat for the daggers to find a new home in the first beasts skull as it rounded the corner out of the passageway.

The other three beasts stumbled clumsily over the body of their leader. It was enough of a distraction to keep the beasts from having noticed the small metallic orb the Battlelord had tossed into their midst. The thermal detonator exploded and engulfed the remaining beasts in fire and death. Shrapnel shot out from the explosion and kicked up dust and stone chunks where it impacted. A few bits of debris bounced of the woman, though they had lost too much momentum from distance to cause damage. The Sephi did not seem to have noticed anyway, her reddish-orange eyes had locked onto her target.

“You must have mistaken what Braecen said to you,” the Nautolan began in a jovial tone, however the smirk of their recent combined victory slowly shrank from his face. He could feel the living Force pulsating and building inside the older Sith at his words.

“No...Mistake,” the woman more growled then spoke the words.

“Let’s not be hasty here, together we seem to make quite the pair. Perhaps you should just report back that you won but let me walk out of here alive.” The Quaestor retorted, quickly changing tactic. No sense in killing such an asset he figured.

NO MORE TALKING!” Her reply was quick as her rage at the man peaked. ‘How dare he belittle me by thinking I misheard! ’ one coherent part of her mind thought as another relished in her rage, her anger.

“A shame,” Raiju spoke even as he shoved a hand forward and pushed out with the Force. A small tinge of dread found root in the Nautolan as the telekinetic energy washed over the woman, and merely pushed her long hair back as if by a strong breeze.

Vestril’s thin frame tensed as the power, the rage, flooded through her body. Every part of her felt alive, strong, as if she could easily rip the man in front of her apart with her hands. Her shattered thoughts suddenly conquered on her course of action. Small stone chunks and dust kicked up from the ground as her naturally powerful legs rocketed her forward. The Battlelord lashed out with a sweeping stroke from his prized Sith sword. However he slightly underestimated the Warlords augmented speed, the crunch of bones popping and shattering punctuated in his mind as she caught his wrist and squeezed.

The pain crashed like a wave upon Raiju as the woman placed her free hand upon his elbow and straightened out his arm. Vestril pushed the Nautolan’s elbow past the point of locking, a blood thirsty grin spread across her face at the sickening wet sound as bone exited flesh.

The Sephi woman spun quickly behind him in an almost dance like fashion. Raiju Kang fell upon his knees, mouth agape as the pain from his ruined arm consumed his consciousness. The man’s lightsaber deactivated as it clattered against the stone ground. Her foot against the Battlelords back and two handfuls of his ten head-tresses in hand, Vestril pulled with all her enhanced might. As the head-tresses came free the force from her foot pushed the Marauder to the ground. The Nautolan’s blood squirted from four fresh stumps along the back of his skull as the woman dropped the head-tresses in front of his eyes.

A glint in the distance caught the Sephi’s eye, with a quick pull of the Force, her Lightsaber pike flew into her hands. Vestril pressed the cold steel of the weapons emitter against her opponent’s temple and depressed the button.

The smell of burnt flesh wafted through the area as the Warlord picked up Raiju’s lightsaber and Sith sword. A smile came to her face as she remembered Braecen’s words, ‘I will be waiting where I left you, return with his weapons after you have killed him.’ With a skip in her step Vestril began to make her way back to him.

Grot, 20 February, 2018 6:36 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

As before the combat writing is inventive and interesting. The action scenes are well done and succeed in being engaging to the reader.

Can be Improved

Syntax continues to be an issue, It's important to remember to have your posts proofread prior to posting.

Further, there were two seperate realism errors in this post.

Vestril flicked two fingers and the five throwing daggers on Raiju’s belt, propelled by the Force, tore out of their pouch like shrapnel from an explosion.

Vestril's telekenisis is certainly capable of this, but it requires that she was actually aware of these daggers prior. Raiju has not used these daggers at all in the battle, and they have been in his pouch the entire time. There is no way Vestril would have known they were there to be able to telekinetically control them.

A small tinge of dread found root in the Nautolan as the telekinetic energy washed over the woman, and merely pushed her long hair back as if by a strong breeze.

It's not clear exactly how Vestril accomplished this but there is, quite simply, no way she could have done this. Iron Skin would only have allowed her to take the hit without falling over, not ignore it completely. Disjunction and Rampage do not have the ability to ignore telekinetic effects. Suppression would not have allowed her to ignore it, but rather would have stopped Raiju from performing it in the first place. This is a significant error.