Peacekeeper Droveth Kathera Vectivi vs. Ranger Maximus Alvinius

Peacekeeper Droveth Kathera Vectivi

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Marauder
vs.

Ranger Maximus Alvinius

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Juggernaut, Sentinel
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the ACC! This was an action-packed match from start to finish that was very easy to read and follow along with.

The story across the board was a straight forward sparring match, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Simple and classic can be positive points, especially when it's easy for a reader to follow. You both missed some opportunities to expand upon that basic story premise and show the reader a little more about their dynamic as characters. Is there a rivalry between them? Did this fight change one's opinion of the other? Did one have something to prove over the other? There were a lot of possibilities. Keep that in mind for future matches as that could have taken either of you into the 4 or higher territory for story. The description of the action/combat was also strong for both of you.

Droveth, your use of the venue in both of your posts was superb and definitely something you should continue in future matches. You took some risks with your combat imagery which helped you in story but you got a few realism snags. Pay close attention to the powers on both CSs especially where there's a gap in skills or abilities and look for ways to bring those out in future matches.

Maximus, you really brought out more of the characters' personalities in your posts. What hurt you the most in story was not really using the venue or the environment in your posts. That's something you can easily implement in future matches to help your story score. You got snagged by a loadout issue, pay very close attention to what a character has on their loadout, especially weapons. What's on their dossier for robes and weapons isn't what they are bringing to a particular fight unless the item itself says 'dossier' as a comestic aspect or it's something like Droveth's Inquisitor armor which is an award where the item and dossier automatically match.

Again, this was a very enjoyable match to read and grade and I hope to see you both again soon in the ACC. There must be a winner and with an edge on syntax and a slight edge in story, Droveth is the winner.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Peacekeeper Droveth Kathera Vectivi, Ranger Maximus Alvinius
Winner Peacekeeper Droveth Kathera Vectivi
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Peacekeeper Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Ranger Maximus Alvinius's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 6 February, 2018 6:55 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Maximus Alvinius
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Only one or two minor syntax errors I found (typos), but nothing that detracted from reading. Rationale: You had enough syntax errors and unclear language in some places that it did affect my reading of your posts, especially your first post. Your second post was far cleaner.
Story - 40%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Maximus Alvinius
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: You did an outstanding job using the venue in your posts and really bringing the scene to life in the mind of the reader. You gave the combatants a reason to fight and followed their character sheets closely enough but a little more detail on why they were fighting, their relationship and how this fight affected said relationship could have brought you up to a 4 in story. Rationale: You really brought the characters' personalities into the foreground using dialogue and your descriptions of the combat were solid enough but you barely used the venue at all. Your final post in particular could have taken place in a blank box. In future matches look for ways to make the venue a part of the action and feel alive without sacrificing pacing and find ways to deepen the in-character conflict. That will bring you up to a 4 or even a 5 level in story.
Realism - 25%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Maximus Alvinius
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You had the telekinesis issue in your first post (which I'm counting as one error even though I made two comments) and the endurance issue in your final post. Two small realism errors leave you at a 4 but that is dangerously close to a 3. Rationale: You misstated a lightsaber color in one of your posts. Pay close attention to both character's loadouts. For the saber image in a person's dossier to be their saber they need to select the "dossier" item cosmetic for their saber in their loadout.
Continuity - 20%
Droveth Kathera Vectivi Maximus Alvinius
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: No errors that I could see.
Droveth Kathera Vectivi's Score: 3.8 Maximus Alvinius's Score: 3.65
Posts

Mustafar Mining Facility

Lava is mined as a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. The opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities - originally constructed by the Techno Union - are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles—the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

Beyond the blistering heat of the volcanic world, Mustafar served as the battlefield for the fabled final duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

“It is hot as a bantha’s crack here, Max. I don’t think I can handle it anymore.” Droveth groaned as he wiped the sweat from his bald head once again. His robes had served no purpose but trapping moisture to his body, soaking him through every layer. He grasped longingly at the empty water jug he had grabbed from the ship. “I’m so damn thirsty.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have dumped it all on your head.” Maximus chuckled, handing his Jedi compatriot his own jug. “Don’t waste all mine now,” he chided as the Peacekeeper hastily gulped down the water. A flurry of ash rained down onto the two Jedi, sticking into their sweat and giving the appearance of snow. They moved anxiously across a catwalk towards their final scouting location.

Mustafar was a hellhole, they both agreed, but had little choice in the matter. Droveth had counted himself lucky to have such an agreeable partner for this mission. While he and Maximus may cast a stark contrast when walking side-by-side, their personalities were well suited for each other. The past few days had been almost fun, if not for the constant heat and rivers of lava. As they approached a doorway Maximus held his hand up. Both men strained to sense any presence within the room.

I believe the room is empty, Droveth’s thought penetrated the Ranger’s mind, startling him.

“If it’s empty, you could have just said it.” Maximus sighed as he willed the door open, careful not to touch the superheated metal with his exposed hand. The room appeared to have functioned as a control station at some point, though its days of action were long past.

“No one has been here for years, another dead end.” The Peacekeeper groaned, removing his sweat soaked robes and laying them across a defunct panel. Steam sizzled up from the cloth.

“I was actually looking forward to the fight. We’ve been chasing lose ends for days.” The gears slowly turned in Droveth’s head. He looked up with a grin and met the eyes of Maximus, who clearly had come to the same idea.

“I mean, they don’t know when we’re gonna be back. We could spar for a little while?” the bald Jedi suggested. The Ranger agreed enthusiastically, throwing off his robes and retrieving his hilt. Emerald and azure flooded the control room and illuminated the two Odanites. Droveth was the first to move, dashing forward with his lightsaber extended to the left, outside of his body. He flourished it with intricate spins and twirls. Maximus stood his ground, both hands gripped tightly to his hilt.

The Peacekeeper spun his body right at the last second, attacking from the opposite side. Maximus hurriedly brought his blade up to parry, sparks showering down between the two of them. Droveth brought his right elbow up to the Ranger’s face while simultaneously sweeping his left leg; Maximus deflected the strike but was rendered off balance and slipped. As he fell backwards, he closed his eyes and focused the Force into his palm.

A powerful blast crashed into Droveth’s chest and he dropped to one knee, sliding back a few feet. His lightsaber dug into the floor and sent another burst of sparks into the air.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 February, 2018 10:03 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You did an excellent job describing the venue (I could feel the Mustafar heat) and the sequence of combat. You painted a very clear picture in the reader's mind.


Can be Improved

Maximus deflected the strike but was rendered off balance and slipped. As he fell backwards, he closed his eyes and focused the Force into his palm.

As written this suggests that he was able to focus while falling in order to build up for the telekinetic strike. This stretches realism some, even at +4 TK. I would suggest advancing time a little and having him land on his back and then execute the strike for a passage like this.

A powerful blast crashed into Droveth’s chest and he dropped to one knee, sliding back a few feet. His lightsaber dug into the floor and sent another burst of sparks into the air.

Visually, this is some outstanding imagery. However, this also stretches realism some. Maximus has +4 Telekinesis with the Hammer Time feat. If Droveth were a Juggernaut with the Iron Skin II feat, this passage could work. If you had Droveth dodge the TK blast, it probably would have worked. But having him take the "powerful blast" and then be able to control his movement enough to crouch down and dig his saber into the ground instead of just being knocked off his feet is probably beyond his ability.

Looking at the slightly taller bald Peacekeeper in front of him after picking himself up off the ground, Maximus couldn’t help, but shake his head a bit.

“Is this really what you want? Just because we couldn’t find the kind of action you wanted to here, I promise you this seems more than a sparring match. We have the slave camp the Jedi Praxeum for that Droveth,” Maximus said are he raised his eyebrows to see how far he could take this match.

“I thought it would be a bit more fun to see how far I could push a War Hero,” Droveth said, with a grin on his face brushed off his left shoulder while holding his lightsaber in his left hand.

“Oh we got jokes huh. I got no worries pressing you to the maximum threshold, but I hope you came prepared. I pride myself in a great fight. You think you could take me with just your saber and neither of us using Force powers? Maximus responded with a laugh as he quickly began spinning his golden lightsaber from side to side.

Immediately Droveth ran towards Maximus and sprung in the air with his lightsaber overhead as he came down towards Maximus who had assumed a defensive positioning as Droveth smashed down into Maximus blade as sparks began to fly. The two began to swap blows with each strike illuminating the walls of the room around them.

“Nice offensive tactics, but it’s going to take more than a few leg swipe and aerobatics for you to win this sparring match,” Maximus roared as he systematically blocked the flurry of blows Droveth delivered.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 February, 2018 9:55 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You did an excellent job injecting some character into the match through your dialogue. It gave the reader some insight into their conflicting personalities.

You think you could take me with just your saber and neither of us using Force powers?

I loved this interesting wrinkle in an otherwise straightforward sparring match. It's a nice curve-ball to throw your opponent.


Can be Improved

You had a few syntax errors that caused me to have to re-read a sentence or two. Aside from more proofing I'd suggest reading your passages out loud as you do your own proofing, it will catch awkward phrasing.

Maximus responded with a laugh as he quickly began spinning his golden lightsaber from side to side.

Golden lightsaber? Both Maximus' loadout lightsabers are blue. Not that a golden lightsaber isn't a worthwhile goal.

Droveth panted heavily as he stood back, his body thick with sweat. What was formerly beads now was a constant downpour. The Peacekeeper hastily ripped off his cuirass and threw it to the floor. He wiped the burning from his eyes and looked across to his opponent, who looked in no better shape. Maximus was 20 feet away, but steam wafted up through the floor grates and sporadically blocked his view. Even in the worst visibility, the Jedi could still see the glisten of sweat and the glimmer of his golden hilt.

The two Odanites had gone blow for blow for nearly an hour, neither able to get the upper hand. Without manipulating the Force they found themselves quite evenly matched. As the fight had drug on, the Peacekeeper could feel his strength fading. Maximus surely had to be just as exhausted, but he hid it well.

As another cloud of steam moved into position, Droveth dashed forward across the room. He channeled some of his remaining energy in his legs and burst through the cloud. The Ranger was ready with azure blade ignited, but the Peacekeepers’ was nowhere to be seen. Instead, he leaned backwards and used his momentum to slide past Maximus, catching both of his legs and whipping him to the floor.

Though the Ranger was able to get his hands up and protect his face, his head still emitted a tremendous thwack as it made contact. He groaned loudly and rolled over, fighting the ringing in his ears. Droveth sat beside him on his knees, using all his remaining strength to stay upright.

“You cheated.” Maximus spat a mixture of blood and sweat as me spoke.

“Just… a little.” Droveth wheezed back. “I'm done. I got nothing left.” The Ranger sighed and rolled over, slowly pushing himself to his feet. He then reached down and helped Droveth up. Though both Odanites were clearly exhausted, they still had enough energy to laugh. With neither quite able to stand, they supported each other on the long, painful walk back to their transport.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 February, 2018 10:15 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You used the environment to really give the fight atmosphere. I was almost sweating just reading it. Your ending was also satisfying and true to character of the two clan mates.


Can be Improved

He wiped the burning from his eyes and looked across to his opponent, who looked in no better shape.

Maximus has +2 Endurance and the Surge II feat which raises his endurance during combat. Compared to Droveth's +0 Endurance there would be a noticeable difference in the fatigue of both men.

Maximus quickly jumped to his feet, displaying a great combination of balance and coordination. Looking over at Droveth, he was prepared to weather the onslaught the Peacekeeper was prepared to deliver against him. Mind over matter, Maximus told himself, as he began to analyze the opponent in front of him.

Maximus turned off his lightsaber, taking his cue from Droveth who did the same with his own blade.

“Glad we are going to make this a real fight,” Maximus said with a laugh as he quickly adjusted his stance.

Droveth utilized the moment Maximus took to regain his setting in order to focus the Force, pulling Maximus towards him as he began to pivot to grab Maximus. He was attempting to throw Maximus to the ground, utilizing his primary combat form, Whiptree.

Maximus, however, countered as the Peacekeeper opened himself up for the throw by striking Droveth directly. The withering two head strikes unbalanced the Marauder. In that moment Maximus focused the Force to with telekinesis to throw a devastatingly invisible sledgehammer to smash the Peacekeeper, sending him reeling from his feet.

Realizing the opportunity was opened against Droveth, Maximus quickly began to maneuvering over the Peacekeeper, hoping to position himself upon his foe to force him to submission. Tired, but still focused, Droveth attempted to use Maximus’s momentum against him as they grappled. This stratagem worked, and allowed him to reposition himself against the submission. Maximus was now directly on top of his opponent, with a neutral advantage. Maximus knew he needed to use his might along with his clinching skills from Wrruushi to punish his opponent into submission.

Maximus quickly threw one more head-strike as he swung around to Droveth’s left arm and seized it quickly, bending it against its natural position. It was only a matter of seconds before the Peacekeeper quickly tapped the ground with his right arm.

“Well, not too bad of a fight, but I did think you would have lasted a bit longer,” Maximus said as he let go of Droveth’s arm.

“Indeed, I didn’t realize your might and ability with combat grappling would have been this effective,” Droveth responded as he began catching his breath.

“It was fun. We will have to do it again,” Maximus responded with a smile as he reached out to help the Peacekeeper up.

“Yes, we will good friend,” Droveth replied as he reached out for Maximus hand.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 13 February, 2018 10:21 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Outstanding depiction of a martial arts fight! It was clear, detailed and well-paced.


Can be Improved

I would have liked to some use of the venue/environment in your ending post. Also, while it's technically correct to name a lightsaber or martial arts style I would just try describing them in the future. It goes to 'show, don't tell.'