Privateer TuQ'uan Varick vs. Savant Kylex

Privateer TuQ'uan Varick

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kel Dor, Mercenary, Infiltrator
vs.

Savant Kylex

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Human, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Mandalorian
Comment

Hi Guys, first off I’d like to thank you both for taking the time to see this match through to completion. It was an entertaining read so thanks again.

TuQ’uan, you did well to explain why your character was in the location and provided a plausible motive for both people to engage in combat. This isn’t always easy to do, so well done on that. You also managed to end well, using Kylex’s cockiness and TuQ’uan’s love of his hat to play into the ending. However, I was able to find plenty of niggling errors that added up in a big way with regards to syntax, I’ve mentioned it in the post comments, but perhaps leave more time for proofing or get an extra pair of eyes on your posts if possible in the future. I know you can write well, it’s just taking the extra time to check things.

Kylex, you played your part well, though perhaps a little more attention to Realism could’ve seen you put up an even better fight, I liked your storytelling in your ending and would’ve liked to have seen it more consistently to push it up higher. Like TuQ, you struggled with syntax and like I said to him, more proofing and paying that little bit extra attention to a post or getting a second proofreader, while I understand isn’t always possible, is highly beneficial to your writing.

Thanks again gentlemen, it was an excellent battle to read, but as in all battles there must be a winner. So without further adieu, I proclaim TuQ’uan Varick the winner.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Privateer TuQ'uan Varick, Savant Kylex
Winner Privateer TuQ'uan Varick
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Privateer TuQ'uan Varick's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Kylex's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: Faron City
Last Post 26 April, 2018 10:47 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Kylex Sanguris TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: Commas are mostly your downfall here, though there are spellings of words that also took from the reading experience. Reading out loud can be a good tool, proofers are another. Rationale: There are multiple repeated errors across both posts. See post comments for details. More proofing would also be a way to improve here
Story - 40%
Kylex Sanguris TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: A pretty straightforward story, a nice twist at the end but it’s pretty simple up until that point. Try to build up the unpredictability without one person being in control and then letting the pendulum swing. Rationale: You explained why TuQ’uan was there well and had a definite ending, but the middle didn’t quite match up to that. I would suggest building to that finale because while a reader may expect it more, a little mention here and there builds up a sense of drama.
Realism - 25%
Kylex Sanguris TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: The scene with the cybernetic at the end of your first post significantly hurts you here, I’ve elaborated in the post comments. Rationale: No errors I could find.
Continuity - 20%
Kylex Sanguris TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Nothing wrong here. Rationale: No errors spotted.
Kylex Sanguris's Score: 3.4 TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia's Score: 3.9
Posts

faron_city

Faron is one of the twin cities on Nancora alongside Axio, breaking up the planet's scarred surface with their presence. Originally existing in the form of underground shelters, the city was built up slowly—layer by layer—until it became a metropolis so large that it can be clearly seen from orbit. In order to maintain an organized infrastructure, the city itself is separated into districts based on the disc-like, concentric blocks that make up its design.

The outer district is the largest of these. Here, the buildings form alleys and streets that criss-cross as they either run straight towards the center of Faron or curve along its circumference. The complexes found here are almost mathematical in design. Towers built upon towers, they all link together like geometric puzzle pieces with harsh lines and angles in lieu of softer edges. Having to deal with the elements, the durasteel constructs appear weathered and worn, but maintain a bright coloring to reflect as much light as possible and reduce its thermal conversion.

Industry thrives in Faron, and its districts embody this. In the outer district, shops meet with living centers and the lines between them blur. An apartment cluster appears much the same as a grand complex containing a myriad of speeders or other such technological constructions. Power relays, the key to keeping the city functioning in its entirely, are staggered along the streets and each level. Through redundancy, the system prevents the loss of a single relay from crippling it. The citizens flood the district at ground level, marching with haste towards their destinations while the skylanes flicker with activity high above.

In Faron's outer district, the thriving metropolis can be seen in all its many facets, but also at its most vulnerable.

The ship’s computer let out a series of beeps notifying TuQ’uan of the imminent drop from hyperspace. Tearing his attention away from the betting pools he ran, the Kel Dor made his way to the controls of the Krayt Dragon’s Breath. The stars all around the ship began solidifying back into tiny specks of light in all directions as the ship returned to real space.

TuQ’uan took over control of the ship and guided it towards the brown wasteland of a planet known as Nancora. He had come out of hyperspace a little further away from the planet than he had liked but debris and destruction still littered the space around the planet from the recent war. Plus, he loved being in control of a ship.

Taking a deep breath, he bagan weaving his way through the battlefield towards the planet he had wished to never visit again. But when the Dread Lord gives you a mission, you don’t refuse.

It wasn’t a particularly long or challenging flight but it gave the mercenary time to collect his thoughts before touching down in Faron City. All he had to do was get some information on the Collective and get out, this was his specialty, what could possibly go wrong? TuQ’uan took one last breath of oxygen free air before putting on his antiox mask and disembarking from his ship.


Making his way through the streets of Faron City’s outer district brought back many memories of the war for the Kel Dor. The streets were crowded with as many people moving to and fro as there were just sitting in corners and against walls. The people here had only started to rebuild after the Brotherhood’s attack on the Collective. The destruction in the outer district was random, some buildings stood in taters while their neighbour was untouched. Despite this, they all seemed to blend together.

As TuQ’uan made his way through the street a vendor with a makeshift stall caught his eye. A lone Human stood glancing at the vendor’s wares, his snow white hair stood out in this drab city. The Kel Dor approached, curious as to what this stall had to offer.

An old analogue device for telling time sat tucked off to the side in a pile of trinkets, the seal of the Grand Master was stamped onto the back of it. It looked to TuQ’uan like the Human hadn’t made it this far yet. Well this is interesting, the Kel Dor thought to himself as he grabbed it by the chain it was attached to, leaving the circular device to dangle in front of his eyes.

“How much?” he asked the vendor, drawing the Human’s attention.

“I wouldn’t part with that for less than… seventy-five credits!”

After a moment of consideration the Kel Dor accepted the offer, pocketing his new trinket he continued on down the street.

The mercenary’s intel indicated that there was an underground cantina around here that used to be a hotspot for Collective forces looking to blow off some steam. Rounding a corner into an alley, the Kel Dor approached the first possible location. As he walked down the alley, TuQ’uan got the feeling that he was being watched. He slowed his pace listening for footsteps behind him but heard nothing.

Eventually he came to a stop and turned around. The white haired Human from before stood in the middle of the alley, staring him down, his incredible violet eyes bore holes in the Kel Dor.

“Are you lost? Can I help you?” TuQ’uan shouted at the man.

“Yeah, I think you have something of mine.”

“I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong Kel Dor.” TuQ’uan began to turn away.

“That trinket you purchased back there, I dropped it while looking at what was for sale!”

TuQ’uan thought for a moment.

“Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll let it go for… four hundred credits.”

“That’s insane, you only payed seventy-five for it!” He was beginning to lose his cool. “Fine!” He stomped his way towards the Kel Dor. “I was kind of hoping it would go this way anyway.”

As he closed the distance between them, the pale man reached under his cloak and drew his lightsaber. With a snap-hiss the crimson lightsaber was ignited and raised high in the air. Swiftly the blade swung down in an arc aimed directly at the Kel Dor’s head.

Jumping to the side, TuQ’uan narrowly avoided being bisected by the Dark Jedi. As he hit the ground in a somersault, the mercenary could still feel the heat of the blade on his arm. He quickly popped back up and drew his Sith Sword just in time to block the next ferocious swing of the lightsaber.

“Why the frak are you trying to kill me?” the Kel Dor screamed as he took a step back to get out of the Human’s range.

“Why not? Nobody told me not to.” He swung again.

“Well… then, don’t kill me?”

This gave the man pause, contemplation clear in his eyes.

“Alright, I won’t kill you.” The hint of a smile touched his face. “But you didn’t say anything about maiming. And yes, before you ask it is too late.”

The Dark Jedi advanced on TuQ’uan bringing on a much more determined barrage of attacks.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 29 April, 2018 8:42 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


As TuQ’uan made his way through the street a vendor with a makeshift stall caught his eye. A lone Human stood glancing at the vendor’s wares, his snow white hair stood out in this drab city. The Kel Dor approached, curious as to what this stall had to offer.

This part of the post excellently sets up Kylex, using one of his distinctive features rather than anything TuQ’uan wouldn’t know about him. The post also then builds on this introduction to adequately explain the following conflict.


Can Be Improved

Syntax


[...] It wasn’t a particularly long or challenging [flight,] but [...]

This is post has multiple instances where commas have been misapplied or not applied when they should have been.

It was meant to be a holiday. 5 days off from constant assassinations and rigorous training. Also, the unpleasantness of cleaning up after Loki and Tsune, the Loth wolf and Anooba belonging to Kylex’s Aedile. Instead of relaxing at some bar, the Mandalorian once again found himself trying to rip apart some street urchin.

“HERE COMES THE THUNDER!” shouted the Juggernaut as purple, crackling electricity surging from his left hand. The blast flew towards his opponent, narrowly missing the Infiltrator. It hit the wall of the alley, harmlessly dissipating.

“That pun was horrifically bad!” retorted the Infiltrator, raising his Sith Sword to block a lightsaber strike from above. Kylex laughed, shifting his weight into his blade, working against the Sith weapon.

The Kel Dor, struggling under the pressure, quickly kicked out, striking the Human in the Solar Plexus.

“That orta sting!” he said, doubling back from his position, and out into the crowded street.

Kylex looked into the street, his left hand clutching his gut. It had been a while since Kylex had ‘let’ an opponent do that, and he was not happy it happened.

“Bastard…” grunted the Juggernaut, regaining his posture. “I’M GONNA TEAR YOUR HEART OUT YER KNEECAP!” He advanced after his foe, only stopping after a few meters, by the sound of metal bouncing on concrete. Kylex looked down, spotting the grenade at his feet.

“Bugger.”

The grenade detonated, sending an electronic pulse throughout the Mandalorian’s being. Each muscle in his body spasmed and contracted, until the pulse had run its course.

CLANK!

Kylex’s lightsaber dropped to the ground, suddenly shut off from the EMP. So had the Juggernaut’s right arm, which now slacked, deactivated after so many years of use. He smacked the arm, trying to get it to function once more.

“Reset phrase: Lateralus.” said the Mandalorian, commanding his arm to reactivate.” A small voice came from the arm, chirping happily.

“1. Minute. To. Restored. Functions.” it said.

“Alright then, come at me you bastard.” Kylex said with a grin, calling his lightsaber to his left hand, ready for anything.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 29 April, 2018 8:45 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


“HERE COMES THE THUNDER!” shouted the Juggernaut as purple, crackling electricity surging from his left hand. The blast flew towards his opponent, narrowly missing the Infiltrator. It hit the wall of the alley, harmlessly dissipating.

“That pun was horrifically bad!” retorted the Infiltrator, raising his Sith Sword to block a lightsaber strike from above. Kylex laughed, shifting his weight into his blade, working against the Sith weapon.

For a short post, this part of the post brings us back into the action which the post had strayed from to explain Kylex’s being on Nancora.


Can Be Improved

Realism


[...] Kylex’s lightsaber dropped to the ground, suddenly shut off from the EMP. So had the Juggernaut’s right arm, which now slacked, deactivated after so many years of use. He smacked the arm, trying to get it to function once more.

“Reset phrase: Lateralus.” said the Mandalorian, commanding his arm to reactivate.” A small voice came from the arm, chirping happily.

“1. Minute. To. Restored. Functions.” it said. [...]

A few things here, we’ll work through the passage. The first thing is the lightsaber being deactivated by the EMP. This shouldn’t happen. Next up is the talking cybernetic, which is an error because cybernetics don’t do anything in the ACC, especially since there are no such functions in possessions then we add the sudden functionality right after it was supposedly deactivated.

This guy might ACTUALLY be insane, TuQ’uan thought to himself. He gripped the handle of his Sith Sword tighter. According to the voice that came from the Juggernaut’s arm, he didn’t have much time before the massive Human in front of him was able to use his mechanical arm again. He had a temporary advantage.

Bending his knees and turning his body, TuQ’uan raised his sword so the handle was parallel to his face and both hands gripped it tightly. Pushing off with his right foot, the Kel Dor charged at his target who simply laughed.

The mercenary swung his sword — all of his might behind the attack.

The air sizzled as the opponents clashed. Despite the Human’s massive size and strength, it was clear in how he wielded the lightsaber in his left hand that it was something he had never practiced. His form was sloppy, he was able to block the incoming attacks, but just barely.

TuQ’uan swung at the Dark Jedi’s head in a faint. As his opponent attempted to deflect the blow, the Kel Dor changed the direction of his sword, sending it over the head of the Juggernaut and bringing it around in a wide arc slashing at his leg. He connected. While not a mortal wound, it did bite deeply into the Humans flash.

Rage formed in Dark Jedi’s violet eyes. With the sword still stuck in his leg, the Juggernaut lifted the wounded leg and kicked the Kel Dor. They both let out a cry of pain. TuQ’uan let go of his sword and fell backwards, scrambling away from the giant that stood over him.

“I’LL EAT YOU FOR THAT!” the clearly unstable Human yelled. He grit his teeth and removed the sword from his leg, tossing it to the ground.

“Is this what you want?” TuQ’uan pulled his newly acquired trinket from his pocket. “Kark man, just take it!” He tossed it at the Juggernaut.

The Human simply watched the time piece bounce on the ground.

Beep

”Functions. Fully. Restored. Have. A. Great. Day.”

The two simultaneously looked at the mechanical arm as it began twitching back to life. As if rehearsed, their heads turned, their eyes locked. The Human smiled. The Kel Dor would have frowned — if his face were capable of it.

TuQ’uan, still on the ground, scuttled backwards as the Force User limped forward. His back was against a wall, literally. Seeing his prey trapped, the giant man pulled his metal fist back and threw a brutal punch at the Kel Dor’s face. Dropping to his side, the mercenary was able to avoid the fist that was now planted in the stone wall where his head had been.

Crawling out from under the hulking figure, TuQ’uan jumped up to his feet and drew his blaster. He fired off a volley of shots at the Human. A light shimmered as the plasma came into contact with a near invisible wall just short of their intended target.

Every. Fraking. Time, TuQ’uan cursed inwardly.

The Human tossed his lightsaber to his rebooted mechanical hand before raising his remaining organic hand in the air. Lightning jumped the distance between the two and enveloped the Kel Dor. He couldn’t help but scream.

His body was convulsing from the electricity coursing through it. The mercenary attempted to aim his blaster but he ended up just shooting a bolt into his foot.

The pain was becoming unbearable, he was fighting for consciousness and the smell of something burning filled the air. FInally it became too much and the Plagueian’s world went black.

The Human dropped his hand and bent to pick up the trinket that had started this whole thing. Removing the chain from the device, he dropped it back on the ground and pocketed the chain.

Panting, the Juggernaut walked over to where the Kel Dor lay, dragging his leg behind him the whole time. Nudging his unmoving prey, the man decided the fight was truly over. Grabbing TuQ’uan’s hat from where it fell on the ground, the Dark Jedi brushed it off and placed it on his own head before moving back into the street to continue enjoying his holiday.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 29 April, 2018 8:47 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


This guy might ACTUALLY be insane, TuQ’uan thought to himself. He gripped the handle of his Sith Sword tighter. According to the voice that came from the Juggernaut’s arm, he didn’t have much time before the massive Human in front of him was able to use his mechanical arm again. He had a temporary advantage.[...]

This transitional part of the post picks up from where Kylex left off well and sets up the rest of the post.


Can Be Improved

Syntax


[...] attempted to aim his [blaster,] but [...]

This error is like the earlier post in the match, one of a few times the post misses out a comma where there should be one. Perhaps proofing could help catch these.

This wasn’t the first time Kylex had been without his cybernetic arm in battle, and he knew he had two options. The Juggernaut could turn tail and run, or he could end this fight. While any sane man might’ve ran, Kylex had a distinct and severe lack of sanity at the best of times. He stood there, wind blowing softly through his hair and robes as it passed through the alleyway.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!” shouted Kylex. He glanced out over the sea of faces passing by the alley, and a few faces that watched the Dark Jedi in awe. Without warning, blaster bolts flew out of the crowd, one narrowly missing the Savant, while another struck him in the left shoulder. He winced in pain, but the sensation of flesh vaporizing from a blaster was not an alien one.

BWAP BWAP BWAP

Three more bolts leapt out, hurtling towards Kylex, but this time he was prepared. With pain, the Savant raised his left arm, focusing The Force before him. He watched carefully as the blaster fire splashed against the invisible shield, and quickly traced the origin point. He spotted a wide brim hat, and the shifty Kel Dor that wore it.

“I have you now.” Kylex said with an evil grin, feeling his arm coming back online. Without a moment’s hesitation, the Dark Jedi called his lightsaber to his hand, and threw it towards his foe. The hilt flew towards the Kel Dor, spinning rapidly as Kylex guided the weapon artfully. With a quick flick of his thumb, the blade sprang forth from the hilt, slicing up the alley wall as it flew.

“GET DOWN!” Yelled a voice from within the crowd, evidently alarmed at seeing a lightsaber fly towards them. The crowd paniced, some running, some ducking, and some unfortunate enough to not notice the energy blade passing through their necks.

“Lucky miss.” muttered the Dark Jedi to himself. In that same moment, the Juggernaut rocketed forward, towards the crowd. Kylex could see the Kel Dor more clearly now, and with a quick flick of the wrist, called his lightsaber back to him. The Mandalorian focused his energy in his legs, feeling the living Force flow around and bind to his muscles. With a roar as savage as a Rancor’s, Kylex leapt towards the Kel Dor, lightsaber raised.

“Time out.” said the Infiltrator bluntly, raising his hands in surrender. “I give up.”

Kylex froze, a wave of confusion hitting him like a runaway speeder. He crashed back down to the ground, hitting the cold durasteel floor.

“What do you mean time out?!” yelled the Juggernaut, confused and angry at the sudden disappearance of a real challenge. “Things were just starting to get interesting!”

“Being severed in two doesn’t sound very interesting to me.” retorted the Kel Dor, evidently annoyed and ashamed of having to surrender. “Besides, at least this way you might spare my life. Here, It’s yours.”

The Infiltrator fished the circular trinket from his breast pocket, holding it out by the chain. Kylex huffed, deactivating his lightsaber.

“Smart choice.” he said, using the Force to retrieve the trinket. He gave it a quick look over, then stashed it away. The Human gave a skeptical look, looking the Kel Dor up and down, before shrugging.

“What the hell.” he said, extending a hand. “My name is Kylex Sanguris. You seem like a useful person to have as an ally.”

The Kel Dor Hesitated. He looked at the man, whose was now smiling innocently as if he didn’t just try to mulch him. After a long, awkward pause, the Kel Dor slowly took the man's hand, shaking it firmly.

“Call me TuQ’uan.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 29 April, 2018 9:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


The Kel Dor [hesitated]. He looked at the man, whose was now smiling innocently as if he didn’t just try to mulch him. After a long, awkward pause, the Kel Dor slowly took the man's hand, shaking it firmly.[...]

This part of the post near the end throws an unexpected but plausible twist to the narrative.


Can Be Improved

Syntax


[...] “What the hell[,]”[...]

This post suffers from not knowing when to use commas as opposed to using other punctuation to end dialogue. Perhaps read up on the rules about this for a better understanding.