DJK Aiden Dru vs. PAD Turel Sorenn

Knight Aiden Dru

Journeyman 4, Journeyman tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Marauder
vs.

Padawan Turel Sorenn

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Guardian, Marauder
Comment

The ACC is about excellence in not only writing combat clearly, but telling a compelling story.

In the end, regardless of the numbers, this fight goes to Turel Sorenn. His use of language to tell the story itself was superior, which translated to clear combat, easy to follow story, and a very accurate and detailed adhesion to the realism of combat based on both characters sheets. I loved the creative ending using Turels history/backstory as a Hutt enforcer.

Congratulations to both of you on a well fought fight.

Hall Duelist Hall - Old Container
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants DJK Aiden Dru, PAD Turel Sorenn
Winner PAD Turel Sorenn
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
DJK Aiden Dru's Character Snapshot Snapshot
PAD Turel Sorenn's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Streets
Last Post 18 May, 2014 3:02 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae
Syntax - 15%
Aiden Dru Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing hugely detracting, but a lot of small things add up over time that caused me to pause at certain points while reading. These pauses are as much about the flow of your writing as they are about the minor syntax errors. Rationale: A few syntax errors add up and nip at what could have been a 5. A second read through or a more intensive proof reading would have spotted the small errors.
Story - 40%
Aiden Dru Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Nice job setting up the premise for their meeting, and the conflict between both characters. As mentioned in my comments, you can see where I found things that gave me pause. Rationale: All things aside, I felt more in tune with the world, the two fighters, and what was going on through your posts. I was engaged in the narative, Turels misison. This honestly should have been a 5, but the few pitfalls I pointed out in the comments should give you an idea of how you could do better in the future. A little exposition is good, but don't overdue it. Also, the Lethal Weapon line. I don't mind it, but other judges will grade you down for it (*cough Mav cough*) I love the ending. Clever, creative, organic. I really wanted to give this a 5.
Realism - 25%
Aiden Dru Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: As mentioned in the comments, you can see the areas where I felt realism and adherence to the character sheets was off. Rationale: Very good adherence to the Character Sheets, venue, and Star Wars universe.
Continuity - 20%
Aiden Dru Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Maintained good continuity throughout posts. Rationale: Maintained good continuity throughout posts.
Aiden Dru's Score: 4.05 Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.45
Posts

The Vertical City. Nar Shaddaa. They call it the Smuggler's Moon—an apt description based on the myriad of sentients shuffling back and forth with their illegal wares and hidden weapons. The narrow streets below you criss-cross endlessly, soaring miles above the planet's surface. Exposed and uncovered, the streets offer a nearly perfect setting for someone with some skills with ranged weapons. Your own vantage point, standing on the ledge of a towering structure of glass and steel, offers you a dizzying view of the cityscape.

Your eyes scan the distance for enemies. Snipers could be set up in almost every building. The streets are plagued with violent gangs and the general riff raff of the poor and destitute. The streets may be an ideal place for blasters, but the winding streets are difficult to disappear from. An opponent would be easily boxed in and simple to finish with a few quick slashes of a lightsaber. The moon is dangerous—even for a Jedi.

The city below was busy as usual. Dru sat upon a rooftop as he took note of the civilians passing by, even spotting the occasional hand off of drugs. Dru didn’t know much about Nar Shadaa, but he did know it was full of questionable characters and he would eagerly watch, in hopes of finding a worthy adversary, so he too could dirty his hands in the filth of this city. There was another person, a Jedi Padawan, atop the same tower as Dru. The Padawan grew up here, they knew the underbelly of this city better than Dru could imagine, and they were ready to introduce him to some of the dirty tricks they learned along the way.

The Padawan known as Turel Sorenn eyed his target down. He noticed Dru had his back turned to him, so now was the opportune time to strike. The Padawan gripped a G-20 grenade in his metallic right hand and he planned to throw it at the floor of the rooftop behind the unaware Dru. The Sith had already heard the distinctive sound of metal rolling and felt the pulse of an explosion before Turell even threw the grenade. Dru quickly dove forward and tucked his knees in for a frontflip to brace his fall and roll along the lower rooftop as the grenade had gone off behind him.

Dru was quick to get back on his feet and look up at his challenger, but the four meter drop onto the nearby building still left him a bit shook up. Dru had started his way back up the building before he noticed Sorenn reaching for a blaster pistol on his holster. The young Sith decided to return the favor and he got a throwing razor from his utility belt, as the Padawan pulled his blaster out and took aim. Dru was about one meter away from the edge of the rooftop before he performed a flip with a slight twist, dodging two blaster shots, and let the razor fly towards his target in one fluid motion. The razor had just bounced off Turel’s metallic hand, as he let another blaster shot fire. The third shot wasn’t a complete miss and had hit one of Dru’s stun batons, leaving it disabled.

Turel couldn’t pass up the chance to throw an arrogant retort at Dru when he noticed the results, “Looks like you won’t get a chance to use that”. Dru only smiled devilishly, as a thought entered his mind “Oh yeah? Watch this!”

Dru grabbed what had now become a rather useless stun baton from his belt, and while Turel was busy basking in his own glory Dru threw his stun baton while he rolled in Turel’s direction. The baton had done the job and nailed the Padawan in the face, leaving him holding his hand to his forehead and stunned with pain long enough for Dru to get close and have his lightsaber drawn. The Padawan had stopped his dance of pain just as the Sith had thrusted a lightsaber towards his face.

Dru flashed another sharpened smile at Sorenn, as he stopped his lightsaber just ten centimeters from the Padawans face, “Too easy” Dru focused and let a burst of energy out as he pushed Sorenn backward over the now broken ledge he fell off earlier. Dru walked towards the ledge and watched his opponent stumble back to their feet. “I didn’t want your infantile mistake to end the fun so soon, I thought you’d appreciate this outcome a little more”

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 27 May, 2014 12:19 AM UTC

The Padawan gripped a G-20 grenade in his metallic right hand and he planned to throw it at the floor of the rooftop behind the unaware Dru.

The sentence does not flow very well because of the "and he planned to".

The Sith had already heard the distinctive sound of metal rolling and felt the pulse of an explosion before Turell even threw the grenade.

Who's Turell? :P This is confusing, still. How can you hear the explosion before it was even thrown? If you're trying to describe precognition, it's not very clear in describing the pacing of the action. The progression should be -> Sith heard the distinctive sound of metal rolling and sensed the pulse of an incoming detonation. -> Dru quickly dove...ect.

You're also muddling perspective mid-paragraph.

The young Sith decided to return the favor and he got a throwing razor from

Awkward syntax.

The razor had just bounced off Turel’s metallic hand, as he let another blaster shot fire.

Awkward syntax.

The baton had done the job and nailed the Padawan in the face, leaving him holding his hand to his forehead and stunned with pain long enough for Dru to get close and have his lightsaber drawn.

Turel has a +3 in Athletics, and +3 Precog. I think he'd be able to dodge a thrown projectile pretty easily. It would have had the same effect of creating space/time for Dru to draw his saber, just not very realistic.

“Get up! Get up you fool!” Turel’s inner voice screamed inside his mind. The flash of pain from landing on a durocrete roof after a four meter drop had caused his vision to black out for a few seconds. If Turel hadn’t instinctively thrown out a blast of Force energy to arrest his momentum, he would have been knocked out or worse. As the world came back into focus he saw that Sith punk on the ledge above taunting him. Why hadn’t the kid killed him? He surely could have.

“I didn’t want your infantile mistake to end the fun so soon, I thought you’d appreciate this outcome a little more”

“Oh, this is a game for him.” Turel thought to himself as he leapt to his feet. If this was a game, the Jedi Padawan was already losing to the Dark Jedi Knight.

Turel momentarily reflected on how he had ended up with a near death experience. He journeyed to the Smuggler’s moon to meet with an informant who possessed information on the next phase of the Dark Crusade and the Dark Council’s war plans. The meeting concluded successfully and as Turel left with holodisk in tow, he felt a distinct dark presence in the Force. He moved carefully with the flow of the crowd through the Nar Shaddaa streets until he came upon the source of the dark presence, a young man in his early twenties wearing white and red robes, with a lightsaber clearly visible on his belt, brooding on a rooftop ledge. This lanky kid was either supremely confident in his abilities or really terrible at his job as an assassin to so openly identify himself as a Force user on Nar Shaddaa. Turel decided to try to get the drop on the kid with a G-20 glop grenade so he could interrogate him on who had sent him and what he knew. Only things didn’t go according to plan. The grenade had missed and the young Sith had very nearly given him a lightsaber shave and thrown him off the roof. Flash forward to the present and the cocky Dark Jedi Knight was rubbing it in, adding insult to injury.

Once Turel got to his feet he quickly took aim with both his DL-44 blaster pistols and let loose. “How’s this for fun!”

Dru deflected the bolts easily with his emerald lightsaber and laughed “Is that the best you got? You’re pathetic, even for a filthy lighty. I thought you’d give me more of a challenge.”

Turel noticed that only his left pistol had fired. Something was wrong with the right. He took a few pot shots at Dru as he ducked behind the doorway of the roof exit. Upon close inspection he realized that the pistol was fine, it was his right hand that was malfunctioning. That throwing razer must have damaged something in his cybernetics upon impact as his fingers in that hand had become non-responsive. He was going to have to defeat the young Sith with only his left hand. Turel holstered his right pistol and forced the non-functioning fingers of his right hand into a fist. He’d get some use out of it until he could get it fixed.

“Stop hiding and come out and fight me!” Dru shouted as he leapt down from the tower landing on the roof with a graceful summersault. Turel seized the opportunity to attack and rushed out from behind the doorway with his single DL-44 blaster in his left hand blazing. Dru barely had time to roll to one side to avoid Turel’s poorly aimed shots. The young Sith felt unbridled exhilaration at his success in goading his opponent out of hiding and the thrill of a worthy battle.

Dru came to his feet and with a fluid, continuous motion, deflected blaster bolts with his bright lime saber in his right hand and launched a bolt of Force generated electricity at his Jedi adversary with his left. Turel threw up his now immobilized right fist and deflected the electricity bolt using his own command of the Force. “Nice try kid.”

Dru stood straight up with his lightsaber pointed at Turel in a ready stance. “I see your weak lighty masters have taught you something useful.”

“I see your Sith masters didn’t teach you manners.”

Dru let out a forced chuckle. “Why do you pull out that piece of junk Armory saber of yours and show me what else you know. You may not have lived like a Jedi but you can certainly die like one.”

Turel tensed up like a jungle cat getting ready to strike, “While I’d love to stay here and continue this little play date, I have other things I need to do.” He took off running toward the door with Force enhanced speed letting off blind shots with his blaster as he ran. As much as he desperately wanted to punch Dru in in his cocky mouth, getting the intel to the Odan-Urr summit was far more important. Turel’s pride would have to wait until another day.

The Taldryan Dark Jedi Knight was thoroughly disappointed. For a second there he thought his Jedi opponent was going to give him a passable challenge instead of running away like the coward he was. He began to regret not killing Turel earlier when he had the chance. Now he had to chase him down to kill him. How utterly tiresome.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 27 May, 2014 12:28 AM UTC

Turel momentarily reflected on how he had ended up with a near death experience...

Love what you're doing here, but it's not an intro post. You're the follow up second post. The combat has started. There is no time for flashbacks or a full paragraph of exposition. You're fighting. Get back to it. You also re-cap his post. I already his post and know what happened. This docks story points. You can do a better job of quickly and organically establishing your mission. You do it later on in your post anyway "his mission was more important".

He was going to have to defeat the young Sith with only his left hand.

Bold. Your character is a righty. This is bold and I love it, engaging story element.

tower landing on the roof with a graceful summersault.

Need a comma here, or an "and".

Dru thought quickly as he sheathed his lightsaber and decided to reach out to the Force in an attempt to read the Padawans mind. All he could get was a glimpse of a doorway and what looked like one of the slimey alleyways of Nar Shaddaa.

Dru assumed that Turel was going to a lower level of the building and into an alley, so he hastily peaked over the ledge in several areas until he caught a glimpse of the Padawan in a crowd.

It’s only a nine meter drop, how bad could it be? The Sith thought as he smiled to himself.

Putting his acrobatics to good use, Dru ran and leapt from rooftop to rooftop, getting lower and closer to his target with each jump. The Taldryanite had finally made his way to the Padawan’s level before he fell back against a wall behind a group of civilians for a quick breather.

Turel had his eyes on Aiden the moment he started showboating on the rooftops. He wanted to fire a shot before the Sith could react, but he figured that moment was as good a time as any to get in a quick break as well. Both the Sith and the Padawan had been breathing heavily and they savored the calm before the storm..

Dru had a moment of revelation as he rested. I’m getting tired of this, but I know what will make a believer of the Jedi fight. He couldn’t help but smile as the thought formed into action.

The Sith took the stun baton he had holstered into his left hand, while also grabbing and igniting his lightsaber. He took two steps before flashing a smile at Turel. He flicked the switch to his stun baton on with his thumb and sent volt after volt into the closest passerby. Turel’s eyes widened in awe as he watched. Dru didn’t stop there. He continued to bash and slash at civilians until they were either dead or crawling away.

“You’re not going to let me kill all of these poor people before you do something, are you?!” Dru shouted maniacally, staring Turel in the eyes, as he cut down yet another person.

Turel couldn’t hold back any longer. He had to do something, if not for the lives of those people, then for proof that he was a true follower of the Jedi code. Turel finally turned his lightsaber on and gave in to Dru’s sick game. Without a second thought the Padawan ran towards the Sith. Dru stood strong and awaited Turel’s next move. Turel got in close and swung his right arm forward while the Sith just stood there, as if he wanted to get hit. Turel faked the right hook to use the Force to his advantage and push the Sith backward.

Dru crashed into the wall behind him. His grip on his weapons strong as his back slammed into the wall, which roughly dropped him into a seated position. His smile seemed permanent, like it truly was just for fun. Dru stood clumsily to his feet as he focused his mind to help mend his wounds. Turel had begun to grow confident in his opportunity to finish the job and he readied another right hook aimed for Dru’s jaw. As if reawoken from a year long slumber, Dru became taken over by a burst of energy. He flipped over the Jedi and swung his lightsaber, severing Turel’s mechanical arm.

While the Padawan was in shock and gawking at his now exposed wires, Dru jammed his stun baton into Turel’s back and brought the Padawan to their knees. Dru was growing tired and figured he had enough fun for one day.

The Sith had one last sentence for the gasping Padawan, “Too bad, you would have made an excellent sparring partner.” Dru kept his baton pressed firmly into Turel’s back while he made a final slash with his lightsaber and sliced the Padawan’s head clean off.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 27 May, 2014 3:54 AM UTC

Putting his acrobatics to good use, Dru ran and leapt from rooftop to rooftop, getting lower and closer to his target with each jump. The Taldryanite had finally made his way to the Padawan’s level before he fell back against a wall behind a group of civilians for a quick breather.

Even with a +3 in Athletics, you'd still probably need to use a bit of Amplification in this case to ninja-bounce from that high up.

I think there would be more commotion in the streets. It's Nar Shada, its not exactly a bunch of women and children walking around.

His grip on his weapons strong as his back slammed into the wall, which roughly dropped him into a seated position.

Grammar is off. Also, you use a lot of gender-nuetrality which isn't wrong, but in this case throws off some of the flow to your combat. We know Turel is a human male, so it just seems out of place. Not a major thing, just something

Aiden Dru ran across the roof and gracefully hopped over the opposite ledge onto the fire escape. The young dark Jedi knight swiftly slide down the fire escape to the street below. He raced around to the front entrance of the building and pushed his way through the patrons into the front entryway. He squinted as he scanned the lobby for signs of his padawan quarry. The first three floors of the building was a marketplace with various shops. However, from the looks of things it was nearly closing time as shops were locking up and the patrons were trickling out. Turel couldn't hide here for long.

Suddenly Dru spotted his prey, racing down the stairs from the third floor to the second floor. He raced up the stairs to the second floor just in time to see Turel slip into an empty clothing store. "I've got you now!" Dru thought to himself as he approached the store. Turel had apparently broken the door mechanism in his haste to break into the closed store. The store lights were off and the room was filled with shadows from the streetlight coming in through the windows. The numerous mannequins and clothing racks provided amble places to hide. Dru didn't have the ability to sense Turel through the Force but he knew the Jedi was hiding in this store.

Dru shut the door behind him and ignited his lightsaber, casting an eerie green glow through the store. "Have you no shame? You can't hide from me, you might as well try to put up a respectable fight before you die." The Sith taunted as he slashed the first mannequin he came to. Dru continued his slow march from the front to the back of the store, pausing to shine his lightsaber into a dark corner or needlessly mutilate a mannequin for dramatic effect.

After the the Taldryan murdered a third mannequin he heard a rustling noise in the back of the store. "Got ya!" He moved with deliberate speed toward that part of the room. Dru caught a glimpse of Turel standing up behind a mannequin before the padawan threw the mannequin at him with an imprecise use of the Force. Dru effortlessly slashed the mannequin in two before starting to sprint toward his prey who had taken off toward the back window.

In the split second after Turel's failed mannequin attack Dru sensed impending danger, which was odd because the padawan was fleeing. Then he heard it, the unmistakable 'beep beep beep' of a thermal detonator about to go off. Dru was struck with the horrifying realization that Turel had placed a thermal detonator in the mannequin before launching it at him. That sly dog. The dark Jedi was too far from the window to get out in time so he reversed his course and dove out the door of the store into the hallway. He heard the sound of shattering glass caused by Turel leaping out the second story window before the explosive mannequin detonated.

"I'm getting too old for this." Turel pontificated to no one in particular as he stood up and brushed himself off. Even with the Force to help guide and arrest his movement, leaping out of a second story window was painful. It didn't help matters that this was the second time today Turel had been launched out of a building. Pain shot up his right leg as he took his first step. The padawan was no doctor but he was fairly certain he had a stress fracture from his last fall or a combination of both falls. He definitely wasn't going to win any fist fights or lightsaber duels with an injured leg and non-functioning hand. Turel found he was able to walk, albeit slowly, if he shifted his weight a certain way. The pain was bearable if he walked in this manner but was probably an indication that he shouldn't be walking at all.

Turel didn't have the luxury of stopping to treat his leg as he felt the white hot beacon of rage through the Force that was his Sith opponent. Dru had apparently survived the mannequin kamikaze attack and was not too happy about it. Turel hobbled away from the building as fast as he could under the circumstances. He frantically scanned the street for an idea, anything that would help him get away. He was the injured gazelle and the lion was hot on his trail. He had no illusion of surviving if Dru caught up to him.

Suddenly, Turel got an idea. He spotted the "Hunter's Den" cantina a block down the street. The "Hunter's Den" was a known bounty hunter watering hole. It was a risky maneuver given the large bounty Turel had on his own head, but he wagered that bounty was too old and too far down the bounty board for anyone to spot him right away. The standing bounty on any Jedi from Giradda the Hutt was fresh on everyone's mind though. Turel quickly tossed the armory saber he had hidden in his coat into a dumpster before heading to the bar. His masters wouldn't be happy but under the circumstances it was replaceable. Turel didn't look like a Jedi, but Dru did. The gazelle was about to lead the lion into the hyenas' den.

Dru burst out of the front entrance of the building in a rage, his face covered with tiny cuts from flying glass. He caught a glimpse of Turel ducking into a cantina down the street. The coward was probably trying to hide there. At this point the Taldryan knight was almost blind with rage. He'd slaughter the whole blasted bar if he had to. That cocky padawan was going to die and he was going to die right now!

Turel calmly sat at the bar and ordered a drink, knowing that Dru was moments behind him. He had to act like he belonged there for this charade to work. Right on cue, Dru forced his way past the bouncers, searching for Turel with his eyes full of rage. Turel stood up, pointed at Dru and began to yell in Huttese: "This man is a Jedi! His excellency Giradda the Hutt will pay ten thousand credits for his corpse and lightsaber and twenty thousand credits if you capture him alive!" The ruse worked because there was an actual posting on the bounty board for any and all Jedi. Dru was Sith, but the niceties of Force philosophy didn't matter to the bounty hunters, all they saw was a man with a lightsaber and chance to cash in.

The Taldryan knight had no idea what Turel had just said but from the way the bar's patrons were standing up and training their weapons on him it couldn't have been good. He instinctively ignited his lightsaber to defend himself. Turel's smile grew even wider when Dru pulled out his lightsaber. Why was that fool smiling? It didn't matter. The Sith knight would cut down the entire bar to get to the padawan. Finally a challenge!

Turel ducked behind the bar as the fighting inevitably broke out. He debated whether he should try to slip out the back or watch his little ruse play out. He opted to tip the balance in the bounty hunters' favor. He peeked over the edge of the bar to watch Dru cut down two Weequay bounty hunters in an elegant series of fluid motions. He had to admire the Sith, he was quite the artist of death. Turel had no intention of becoming Dru's next canvas for murder. He reached out with the Force using his full concentration. He just needed to stop Dru's movement for a second, just long enough to disrupt a deflection maneuver or a dodge. Success! Dru's forward momentum stopped just long enough for the Sith to catch a blaster bolt to the shoulder from a bounty hunter.

Two Weequay bounty hunters seized the moment and rushed Dru with stun batons before he could recover from taking the blaster bolt. Dru writhed in agony for few seconds before blacking out from repeated stun baton blows. Turel got up from behind the bar and congratulated the victorious bounty hunters. To his surprise the two Weequay paid the other bounty hunters involved in the scuffle and drug Dru's unconscious body back to their ship. They had no intention of turning in the bounty, at least not the bounty on a live Jedi anyway. He had killed two of their comrades, they would extract their bounty from the young Sith's flesh when he came to.

Turel paid his bar tab plus a little extra to cover the damage. He started to hobble toward his own ship when he felt a nagging sensation in the back of his mind. Turel the Hutt enforcer wouldn't have given a second thought to a would be assassin getting what he deserved but Turel the Jedi was trying to walk a different path. "This is stupid, I have a mission to complete." He thought to himself as he continued on. He couldn't escape a strong sensation from the Force that he had to save the young Sith from the horrific fate that awaited him at the hands of angry Weequay. "I can't believe I'm doing this."

Dru came to in a dark alley with his arms and legs still cuffed. He looked over and saw the two Weequay bounty hunters lying on the ground beside him. Turel was stripping the aliens of their weapons. The Jedi had noticed his Sith adversary had come to and knelt beside him.

"Ah, you're awake."

"Come to kill me yourself lighty?"

"Not exactly. These two are stunned and will wake up in about twenty minutes. The cuff keys are over there and your saber is in the dumpster. Don't bother coming after me, I'll be off world by the time you free yourself."

Dru was throughly confused. "Why are you doing this? This changes nothing lighty! I'm still going to find you and kill you!"

Turel shrugged. "And if I see you on a battlefield, I will kill you first. But consider us even for you not killing me earlier. See you on Begeren." The padawan walked away feeling surprisingly good about liberating Dru. Everyone needed a rival. Maybe this Jedi thing wasn't so bad after all.

Exarch Marick Tyris Arconae, 27 May, 2014 4:09 AM UTC

_The young dark Jedi knight swiftly slide down the fire escape to the street below. _

slid.

. Dru was struck with the horrifying realization that Turel had placed a thermal detonator in the mannequin before launching it at him. That sly dog.

This is a perspective change mid-paragraph as well. "That sly dog" should be an internal thought in italics typically. On a separate line, perhaps, since it's attributed to a Dru thought, not Turels.

"I'm getting too old for this." Turel pontificated to no one in particular as he stood up and brushed himself off.

Cliche much? Try making your own version of the famous quote, make it your own, not Donald Glover's.

The Taldryan knight

Knight in this case is a title, so it would be capitalized.