Mystic Justinios Drake vs. Warrior Magik

Mystic Justinios Drake

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Aleena, Force Disciple, Arcanist
vs.

Warrior Magik

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
Comment

Hey guys, I’d just like to thank you both for taking part in the Coach’s Corner event.

You both have definite strengths in the story department that are apparent when reading your posts. That said, everyone can improve, and I hope my post comments will allow you to do so. I'd love to see what was done well be built upon and fit into the areas of improvement, resulting in even stronger writing in the future.

Justinios, you wrote a solid opening post with plenty of description and set the scene up well. This is something I’d love to see you build on and produce more consistently, the combat could’ve used more polishing but the main factor in this match on your end was the word counts. I elaborate in my comments on your first post as to how you can go about adjusting to that in the future.

Magik, you did well to follow on from not only Justinios’ post, but your own to provide your ending. You stuck within the word count, which is always a plus, but I felt you could have also done more with the limit you had. I’ve gone into detail in post comments and hopefully, you find them useful and things you’ll try to incorporate more into your writing. You do typo Justinios' name a lot so taking time to make sure that's cleared up, especially when it's a name that isn't a name in our world really goes a long way.

Thanks again for taking part, I give the win to Magik

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Justinios Drake, Warrior Magik
Winner Warrior Magik
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Justinios Drake's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Hangar Zerek
Last Post 10 June, 2018 5:40 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Magik Raiheaux
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: There are a multitude of errors, but none that majorly take away from the reading experience. Rationale: Repeated errors with commas are the main offender here, though mishyphenation and incorrect spellings make an appearance.
Story - 40%
Magik Raiheaux
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: You followed on well from both Justinios’ and your own posts, I would’ve liked to see more written to flesh out the story in order to make the most of your writing potential. Rationale: The lack of anything real in the second post hurts you here as you already know.
Realism - 25%
Magik Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: No errors found Rationale: The way Justinios just ups and leaves without Magik trying to stop him took me out of the match.
Continuity - 20%
Magik Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: You did a good job of transitioning between posts, and I couldn’t find any errors. Rationale: The illogical transition between posts.
Magik's Score: 3.97 Raiheaux's Score: 2.6
Posts

Matron_HangarZerek

Pirates are a rowdy lot. It is a fact rarely questioned and merely accepted by those who deal with them regularly. While the Herald’s crew is no different, the band's leader has a different approach to facilitating their tendencies. To this end, one of the Matron's smaller hangars — designated Hangar Zerek — has been recommissioned as a combat arena... or execution chamber.

Once a dedicated repair bay, Hangar Zerek is still equipped with fabricator arms and an assortment of Trade Federation droid parts that have fallen into disrepair. A squared off section, including illumination banks at each corner, designates the intended arena. The section is denoted by active shock fences, run by nearby generators. It is here that the crew lets off steam, with the hangar bay sealed.

Matron_HangarZerek

The hangar itself still has a fully functioning force field that comes into play when matches are meant to become more interesting, or when it comes time to jettison troublesome captives. The hangar bay doors peel open, leaving only the active field to separate the arena from the vacuum of space. The control mechanisms for the hangar doors can be operated manually from the control booth or on a set timer, including the force field's toggle switch.

The control booth is the last segment of Hangar Zerek worth noting. Doubling as an observation deck, it is the only obvious entrance to the hangar. All maintenance hatches and access-ways have been sealed in advance, though the catwalks crisscrossing along the upper layers of the hangar remain. The booth itself is sealed, providing a safe haven for when the force field comes down.

Quaestor Justinios Drake could h to sounds of his own foot falls echoing back to him off of the docking bay bulkheads. The debris strewn across the hangar deck were clearly remnants from a time when the Lucrehulk-class battleship was the pride of the Trade Federation but the condition of the equipment indicated that those days had long since passed. The entire situation was essentially a proxy for the rest of the Aleena’s stay aboard the crime infested, half-derelict spacecraft: dark, dirty and far too smelly. Even though Justinios knew that the entire trip was going to be both messy and dangerous, the promise of old top secret Imperial files from labs that the New Republic supposedly hadn’t even known existed was just too good to pass up. As he made his way towards the illuminated square, which was shining a like beacon in the middle of the otherwise dark hangar bay, Justinios waited patiently for the inevitable double cross.

His "contact" was nowhere to be seen and the Aleena sighed to himself. Standing on the edge of what seemed to be a pit of some sort the Quaestor of House Ektrosis called out into the void, “This must be the part where you get me to a quiet part of the ship, rob me for my credits, probably steal my starship and then attempt to set up your whole little scheme again with another mark.”

“No, this is the part where the two of us realize we've been had," a disembodied voice replied from the shadows.

Justinios could not tell exactly where the response had come from and directed his own reply into the void of the hangar bay, "I suppose someone had their reasons for luring the two of us here and by the looks of this place I am guessing they are expecting us to fight each other." As if to immediately confirm Justinos' hypothesis the hangar bay doors flew open to reveal a thin blue forcefield that was keeping both atmosphere and other matter from meeting the cold vacuum of space.

'It doesn't exactly take a hypermatter scientist to figure that one out, little Aleena."

Justinios' initial instinct was to correct the speaker that he was an astrophysicist and not a hypermatter scientist but he stopped himself as he realized it was meant as a turn of phrase and not commentary on his post-secondary education. Whatever being this voice belonged to Justinios resolved to fight his way through it and escape the makeshift arena. The Quaestor decided that it was too risky trying to team up and escape alongside his new enemy. If whoever had setup this little scenario discovered they weren’t playing along Justinios knew he’d be an Aleena-cicle before you could say explosive decompression. With his mind made up, Justinios plucked the lightsaber off of his belt and the blue blade sprang to life with a snap-hiss.

The owner of the voice didn't respond to the new stimuli, at least in any way Justinios could sense. Reaching out with the Force he could tell someone shared the space with him but couldn't pin down just where they were. Even with the illumination towers activated, the web of catwalks above the hangar deck remained fairly dark. Justinios surmised that if he were trying to conceal himself from, that is exactly where he would be. Forming the image of a very tight parabolic arc in his mind, Justinios launched himself up onto the metal grating that formed the suspended walkway above him. Even being small in stature the old durasteel groaned loudly as the Aleena landed on it and it didn't stop protesting audibly as he walked along it.

"Listen this can end quickly, just show yourself so we can have a fight and one of us will win, probably me, which will allow the two of us to get on with more important things. I even promise that I won't intentionally kill you." Before conscious thought could take over Justinios was leaping through the air again and he made another loud landing on an adjacent piece of catwalk. Turning back towards his previous location he saw both the metal grating and the torso of a B2 Super Battle Droid falling back towards the deck plating below. A snarky comment entered his reptilian brain but before he could loose it on his hidden foe he focused his attention to his left. Right before the armored torso and the catwalk grating crashed loudly below him Justinios heard a faint tip-tap of combat boots on metal immediately to his left.

Without missing a beat the Aleena extended his hand and sent his weapons spinning like a top towards the area he perceived the sound had come from. Before the weapons could slice into anything of substance it was deflected away by the much longer blue blade of a fully sized lightsaber. Simultaneously, a tall human clad in Inquisitorious armor materialized out of thin air as the wielder of the other lightsaber. Still in control of his own flying weapon Justinios pulled it from it's diverted path back to his hand, but not before directing the weapon on a route that let it slice through the catwalk about 10 meters from where his foe stood. The destabilization was enough to shake the black clad warrior and make him stumble a bit. Possibly unhappy with the state of his footing, the human jumped down off of the catwalk and onto the hangar deck.

Justinios followed suit, adding a forward flip to his descent as a flourish. The human and Aleena stood across from each other, now only a few meters apart, in their respective ready stances. Not content to wait for another large piece of broken down battle droid to come hurtling towards him, Justinios gripped the hilt of his lightsaber a little tighter and prepared to attack.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 14 June, 2018 5:18 AM UTC

Story


'It doesn't exactly take a hypermatter scientist to figure that one out, little Aleena." Justinios' initial instinct was to correct the speaker that he was an astrophysicist and not a hypermatter scientist but he stopped himself as he realized it was meant as a turn of phrase and not commentary on his post-secondary education.

Here, you playfully have Magik make a comment that is made to work well because of Justinios' initial misinterpretation of the line as a figure of speech. Such dialogue is a strength of your writing and if it can be interwoven more with your writing and make sure it keeps in line with the situation at hand your writing can be powerful.

Can Be Improved

Standing on the edge of what seemed to be a pit of some sort[,] the Quaestor of House Ektrosis called out into the void, “This must be the part where you get me to a quiet part of the ship, rob me for my credits, probably steal my starship and then attempt to set up your whole little scheme again with another mark.”

Commas are one of the easiest things to trip up on when writing. There are so many rules, and each of those has exceptions, it's easy to forget when to use a comma or not. They're often used too much or not enough in writing. A possible way to help yourself improve is to read out what you've written, think about when you pause for breath and when you do so for effect. Another possible method of developing this, as the event was made to show, is proofing. One proofer, two proofers, three or four proofers, additional pairs of eyes on your work can only help your work.

The destabilization was enough to shake the [black-clad] warrior[...]

Similar to the above mention of commas, there are a couple of times you miss out hyphens in your writing. Taking time to check the rules about whether to hyphenate or not could see an improvement in this regard, as could the previously mentioned proofing.

Word Count

The Combat Master mentioned he'd spoken to you about this so I won't go into too much detail, just offer strategies that will help you better stick to word counts in the future. One approach is to write the combat first and then weave in justifications and setting of the scene around that.

You could also break the post down into chunks of a certain number of words so you know when and where you have things you could cut or can add to as the situation calls for.

You could also take the post-writing approach and edit after everything is written, see if there's stuff that doesn't entirely ruin what you've written by removing it.

Hangar Zerek was not the repair bay it once was. Now a full fledged combat area built for the crew of the Herald's entertainment. With the hangar bays of the Matron sealed it was here where arguments are settled. The combat area was squared off in the center with shock fences that you cannot climb. Looking above the area were grated platforms for observing and watching. Like a pattern they lined the hangar bay. As the hangar bay doors opened the active field was clearly visable. The vacuum of space was soothing to the mind as it engulfed the hangar bay. The shock fences surrounding the arena were now activated giving off a bright glow in each corner. While the whirling of the shock fences sent pain down the spine. Fragments of droid scrap covered the hangar bay. The Godless Matron was a rather large vessel. Magik knew he had docked here for another purpose.

As Magik stood several meters from his opponent in the center of the arena he stared at him directly into his eyes. "Can you see me now!", Magik directed his comments in Justinos direction. Magik's figure was well hidden in the darkness of the hangar bay behind layers of thick armor concealing his appearance. Grabbing his Inquisitors lightsaber from off his belt with his right hand Magik then emitted his dark blue blade. As the blade emitted the crackling and humming went echoing throughout the Zerek bay. Justinos now stood across from Magik in his attack stance. With nothing left to say Magik put out his left hand and extended it from his chest. He then quietly cleared his mind as he channeled his telekinesis powers. His opponent then flew backwards several meters as if he had been pushed to the ground. Magik walked half the distance to where Justinos was now quivering on the ground of the arena. Magik now standing over him looking down. "Get up and fight me like a man.", Magik said with disgust!

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 14 June, 2018 5:17 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


As Magik stood several meters from his opponent in the center of the arena he stared at him directly into his eyes. "Can you see me now!", Magik directed his comments in Justinos direction.

Here you reference Justinios not knowing where Magik was in the previous post. I found it a nice callback and something that is definitely a strength in your writing. Incorporating things like this show a clear sense of continuity within the story which not only helps to maintain that score at a high level but adds to the story.

Can Be Improved


Your post is a little short, while I do understand the nature of a word count can be intimidating, it's better to use as much of it as you can effectively. Sometimes less can be more, but it's harder to pull off more subtle nuances that can raise the standard of what is already a well-written story. Ways you could go about improving your use of the word count is to look at where you want to be by the end and break down your writing into chunks. By having a plan of how much you want to write about a particular section of the story you're able to make sure you don't rush things and take the time to make them special without going too far.

Justinios already was disqualified from going over the word count so he took his Lightsaber and went home.

As Justinios still lay quivering on the Matron's deck in pain from Magik's telekinesis strike. Magik quietly retracted his lightsaber and placed it on his hip. He clenched his fists as to recharge his strength. Standing over Justinios, Magik was now a shadowy blur in his eyes. The pain was deep and sharp. He could not feel his arms or legs as he cried in pain. "Should I finish you off now or leave you for the pirates.", Magik inflicted more pain in his mind with his dark voice. He cried over and over as the pain would not retreat from his body.

As the pirates were now watching from behind the shock fences. Surley they wanted Justinios dead. His ship and everything inside was enough to secure Magik a safe exit from the hangar.

"Get to your knees now!", Magik exclaimed. Justinios crawled towards Magik in a painstaking manner. He now lay in front of Magik. "One more time get to your knees.", Magik was relentless as he commanded Justinios. Justinious then stood up shaking on his knees with his arms to his side. He did not have enough strength to stand to his feet and face Magik.

Magik then gripped his lightsaber from his belt with his right hand. As his dark blue blade emitted from his lightsaber he held it up in a striking position and said to Justinios, "Do you have any last words." Justinios cried, "No Magik." Magik then came down in a sweeping manner and decapitated Justinios with a single strike. Blood splattered in the air as his body hit the ground. His eyes and his mouth were wide open as his head rolled around the hangar floor.

Magik had defeated Justinios as the pirates cheered from all around the hangar. The shock fences were turned off as Magik climbed his way out.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 14 June, 2018 5:16 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Telling a story appears to be a strength of your writing, which it should be in any good ACC Match. In particular, you have an idea for the action, and you stick with it.

Can Be Improved


Syntax trips you up on quite a few occasions here, most prominently on a couple of occasions you have a period where a comma would do much better for the overall flow of the piece. Knowing when and when not to use a comma can be a tricky issue, so there's no shame in looking up if you need to use one, or even easier, get a proofer to run through your work to make sure you haven't missed anything.