Acolyte Kadrol Hauen vs. Ranger Ka Tarvitz

Acolyte Kadrol Hauen

Journeyman, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Male Pantoran, Force Disciple, Marauder
vs.

Ranger Ka Tarvitz

Equite, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Juggernaut, Guardian
Comment

Thank you both for participating in Coach's Corner, and thank you for seeing this match through to completion.

You both have definite strengths that are apparent when reading the content herein. That said, there is always room for improvement for even the best of writers. I'd love to see what was done well be embellished and integrated into the areas of improvement, resulting in even stronger match-ups in the future.

Ka demonstrated a depth of knowledge in Star Wars lore, as well as a richness in description that brought that knowledge and history to life. However, the action of the piece lacked in favor of this strength. Refocused, it could be a strong asset.

Kadrol demonstrated a knowledge of action writing that seems still in a state of growth, and there's no reason that it can't reach a greater potential. Don't be afraid to use the space allotted, rather than doing just enough. Take command of the story, even if you may not have the leading post.

I hope you both are able to take from this experience and the comments included within to better both your writing and your enjoyment of the ACC. I hope you enjoyed your teams and will take that group environment with you as you compete in the future. You may be writing alone, but you are not without support. Find your support group and don't be afraid to lean on them.

With the scores tallied, Ka Tarvitz is the winner. Good luck to you both!

Hall Coach's Corner [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 5 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Acolyte Kadrol Hauen, Ranger Ka Tarvitz
Winner Ranger Ka Tarvitz
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Acolyte Kadrol Hauen's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Ranger Ka Tarvitz's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Kalsunor: Massassi Arena
Last Post 10 June, 2018 11:46 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Darth Renatus
Syntax - 15%
Essik Lyccane Dr. Kadrol Hauen
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: There wasn't a whole lot to point out in regards to your posts, but a few missteps were evident. Rationale: Aside from a few minor errors, the stunted nature of the writing in the second post was really jarring to the flow.
Story - 40%
Essik Lyccane Dr. Kadrol Hauen
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: While the writing itself was strong with much history present, the same care didn't go into the action-oriented conflict which is the focus of the Antei Combat Center. If this could be transitioned, your posts would be difficult to contend with in a competitive environment. The potential is there, and it needs to be brought out to really play to your advantages. The story, as presented, was complete in structure and content, but the action itself failed to hook and was hurt by the lacking in the initial post. Rationale: The potential exists to be a strong writer in the ACC. As it stands, the only thing that can really be said for the story on offer is that it was complete. There was a definite ending, with goals and conflict included. However, it was lacking in content and felt extremely rushed as a reader. There wasn't much to enjoy about it. Rely on your strengths and gain more of a comfort level in combat. Create a story through the motions of the combatants and how that interplays with the world around them. Then you can elevate this score.
Realism - 25%
Essik Lyccane Dr. Kadrol Hauen
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: Please refer to the detailed comments on your first post. There was an apparent disregard or misunderstanding of the skills in play on both Character Sheets.
Continuity - 20%
Essik Lyccane Dr. Kadrol Hauen
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing that was noted. Rationale: A contradiction of the reason for Odan-Urr's presence added to your final post compared to Ka's initial post.
Essik Lyccane's Score: 4.32 Dr. Kadrol Hauen's Score: 3.6
Posts

Kalsunor Massassi Arena

Elevated over a ravine, the Massassi Arena has withstood the tests of time. It is arranged in a circular formation and made by a slab of stone that connects the opposite slopes of the ravine. On its eastern side, the floating arena leads to a staircase and into a near-vertical cliff face. Because of its nearly unsupported vantage that overlooks a several hundred-meter fall, even the smallest creatures can feel the occasional motion the platform makes as the breeze brushes across its cold surface.

Adding to the adrenaline rush of standing within the slab’s concentric patterns carved into the rock, barriers and obstacles echo the Massassi’s commitment to taking every advantage over their opponents. Pillars ring the outer edge without guardrails linking them, some remaining intact and others having toppled into the arena or over the perilous heights to the ground far below. Weeds and other flora cover each surface as nature seeks to reclaim the ravine and eventually send the arena itself to the depths.

A creaky rope-bridge leads away towards another ancient suspended platform with the same weathered, upturned stones. Mossy footing, and uneven ground make each of these platforms unique in small subtle ways. While there is no seating for formal spectators, the ancient stones of the Massassi Arena hold an omniscient, aged wisdom that speak to the things they have seen and the battles fought through history.

A third rope-bridge leads to yet another platform, completing the triad of battlegrounds that make up the Massassi Arena.

Whatever could be said about the Massassi, they were not without a sense of theatricality. Suspended high above the ravine, with the perpetual roar of the waterfall echoing up from its depths, the circular disc of the arena jutted out from the cliff-faces. Suspended by seemingly little more than a handful of carefully placed stones, it was as if the architect was daring fate to claim his creation, challenging gravity itself to tear down what had been built there. It was the habitual arrogance one would have expected of the ancient Sith Empire. Yet the fact it was still there, with barely a brick out of place, spoke of expertise to back that confidence.

To Tarvitz, such ruins had always been a point of fascination. Such remnants of past eras, ideas and theologies were one part of a larger tapestry woven throughout the galaxy’s history. They were all too often ignored in favour of more pressing matters, or avoided for fear of drawing the attention of any Sith spirit perhaps bound to the place. That was why they made for such effective dead drop locations between members of the Lotus Resistance.

Gingerly making one creaking step after the other across the rope bridge dangling over the ravine, Tarvitz made his way toward the platform. He had made the trip enough times to know where exactly to stand, treading only on those capable of holding his considerable weight. A few broken splinters was usually a good sign that the site had been recently visited, but it seemed to be largely intact. Instead, as he finished crossing onto the platform it was another sign that alerted Tarvitz to the fact he was not alone.

A tinny artificial whine, barely perceptible over the thunder of rushing water, was issuing from a pillar. He had been around enough engines to recognise a repulsorlift system when he heard one and as Tarvitz watched, a regal plated droid hovered into view. It was carefully examining every inch of the pillar, poking every crack and loose slab. It was clearly hunting for something and, as it began to pull away at the weakened stonework, he unbuckled his holster. It was best not to take any chances then. Tarvitz coughed loudly. The droid turned to face him, and he levelled his pistol at its head.

“That’s far enough,” he said, gesturing to one side, “Move away back and deactivate yourself.”

The droid began to follow his orders, even raising both hands in a gesture of surrender, before the familiar snap hiss of a lightsaber came from somewhere to his right. Risking a glance, Tarvitz caught sight of a figure waiting at the forest’s edge. He had been hidden beneath the shade of a tree, a greying cloak hooded blending with the texture of the ashen coloured bark behind him. The violet glow of the lightsaber highlighted his build, and Tarvitz could barely make out plain sable armour and the silver trim of an elaborately designed helmet beneath his hood. Tarvitz had seen the design a scant few times before, on holovids of possible external threats to the Brotherhood, but he knew the armour of a Knight of Ren when he saw one.

“Would you believe me if I said I was sightseeing?” Tarvitz asked, keeping his weapon levelled at the droid. A synthesized hiss escaped from under Knight’s hood. It took him a few moments to realise it was a chuckle.

"Not with that many weapons." the Knight answered, its voice too distorted for Tarvitz to guess anything of the warrior behind the helmet. He began to walk forward, lazily spinning the humming blade in one hand.

Tarvitz sighed, then twisted in place and pulled the pistol's trigger three times. A trio of fat emerald bolts burned through the air, only for his opponent to break into a loping run, deflecting each of them with a precise sweep of his blade. Within a heartbeat the Knight was upon him, hacking through the gun’s barrel before he could fire again. Tarvitz rolled back, ducking beneath a slash toward his head and unhooking his own lightsaber from his belt.

"I don't suppose I could convince you to surrender first, eh?"

Darth Renatus, 12 June, 2018 12:39 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Your descriptions and application of in-world knowledge is fantastic. It truly is. It would be beneficial to leverage this more unilaterally, into not just world building but into the conflict itself. If the encounter held just as much depth as the scenery and said scenery's history, then it would be difficult to beat you.


Areas For Improvement

Instead, as he finished crossing onto the platform[,] it was another sign that alerted Tarvitz to the fact he was not alone.

Commas. These are probably one of the greatest banes of writing. Used too much or used too little, they have so many rules and exceptions that it can make anyone's head spin. Sometimes, it can help to read it out loud and then the flow of it will make more sense. In this case, that flow would be improved thanks to the complex sentence structure by adding the second comma shown.

[...] a greying cloak hooded blending with the texture [...]

Much like above, the flow of a sentence can be interrupted based on syntax. In this case, "hooded" is jarring and stops the reader from continuing to enjoy the narrative unimpeded. It's grammatically incorrect and that stands out.

Story Pacing

This is something that can really make or break an opening post in a match. This post is charged with not just defining the situation that leads to combat, but also including that combat itself. It's a balancing act. A good rule of thumb is to have actual conflict, especially in a 2+2 format, take up at least 50% of the opening post. Of your 700 words, it's only the last paragraph that has this conflict. A lot of the time devoted to set-up could have been given to creating interesting action with narrative interwoven instead.

“Why would I do that? You were trying to put a hole in my droid!” Kadrol growled through his helmet. He looked over his shoulder to see that his droid had resumed his task looking for a rumored Amulet used by the great Sith Lord Naga Sadow, which Kadrol had tracked down using records of the battles of the Great Hyperspace War, as well as other artifacts from the era. Turning back to the human, Kadrol held his amethyst colored saber in a defensive position, wary of what the Odanite would do next.

“You and that droid are trespassing on Massassi grounds!” Ka barked, briefly turning his attention to the droid, before returning his focus back to the armored figure. Kadrol didn’t move at all. He was busy working out a plan of attack that would allow his analysis droid to complete its task and allow both of them to get back to the shuttle he had borrowed from his clan, Scholae Palatinae, to use for this mission.

Ka was getting wary, as he hadn’t seen the Gray Jedi move during the past couple minutes. The Odanite ignited his lightsaber. The golden blade made a gentle humming sound. From his lower position, the ranger made a sweeping attack at Kadrol’s waist, following through with his left leg, spinning himself into a standing position. Kadrol easily parried the attack, creating a loud crack as the blades met.

Utilizing both hands on his weapon, Kadrol swung the saber in an arc from his left hip up towards his right shoulder. The Jedi blocked the attack, but the lefty wasn’t fast enough, as the very edge of the violet blade sliced through his equally purple armor, leaving a gash of molten plastoid alloy dripping down the exterior of the suit. Ka winced in agony as the very tip of the weapon touched his skin.

Darth Renatus, 12 June, 2018 12:55 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You demonstrate an understanding for detailing the movements of bodies in combat. That's a great skill to have. You should really lean into that and show more combat in your post. You had a maximum of 750 words to play with. Instead, you settled for 311. As the middle post, you had the opportunity to drive the climactic portions of the fight and give it a really cinematic feel. With your writing, it could have been done quite easily. Use that more. You also show an understanding of putting in subtleties, as demonstrated by circling back to your droid and expanding on a possible mission from what was given to you in the first post.


Areas For Improvement

rumored Amulet used

Careful when tossing capitals onto words that don't necessarily need them. It's a simple grammar rule once you get the hang of it. In this case, it's not a title of any kind. Just an amulet. So, there's no reason to make it a capital.

He looked over his shoulder [...] as other artifacts from the era.

This section runs more than a little on, which is what leads to the phrase "run-on sentence". Sentence structure is an important part of tempo. If you have a lot of compounded sentences with comma after comma, you can exhaust your reader. It ends up like a rapid mental sprint from line to line. When writing, it's important to do it for yourself, but you should also keep the audience in mind.

Kadrol easily parried the attack [...] the lefty wasn’t fast enough [...]

It's cases like this where you really need to look at the levels on the Character Sheets. Being too careless in this regard leads to Realism issues. In combat, specifically with lightsabers, there are a couple things to keep in mind. You have the lightsaber form skill, which you both have at +3, then you have Athletics. This determines how fast one can move. Couple that with Might, and you have the results of a saber lock. So, that all said, Ka is both stronger and faster than Kadrol. It stretches the concept of Realism to see Kadrol "easily" parry such a fighter, and then not just be faster (when limited to the concepts of Form 0 and not the intricate maneuvers of a proper form), but to also counter-attack successfully. This also completely ignores any warning that would come from +4 Precognition for Ka. Really keep in mind these little intricacies when constructing a fight scene.

The sudden burst of pain died almost as soon as it had begun, dulled by the Force as Tarvitz stepped back from his opponent. The stab had only managed to graze his skin, enough to inflict pain rather than true damage, but any deeper and the fight would have been lost. Tarvitz frowned as the Knight began to walk toward him again, motioning in the air with his lightsaber and driving him toward the arena’s edge by hacking at the air. He was slower than his initial burst of speed had suggested, but that at least could be explained by use of the Force’s amplifying powers. What was more concerning was that there was no obvious rhythm to his attacks.

As Tarvitz tried to decipher the series of strikes and hacking motions his foe made in the air, he came at Tarvitz again, swinging his own blade in a decapitating strike. Tarvitz blocked it, guided more by the Force than recognition of the method behind the attack in question. He was almost at the edge of the arena, a step away from tumbling back over the edge of the crumbling brickwork, before some semblance of the style finally registered in his mind.

“Banlanth, really?” Tarvitz said, bursting out laughing as he finally saw the pattern behind the Knight’s slashing, “Is this the feared power of the Knights of Ren? A style reserved for apprentices?”

“I’m not-” the Knight answered, a flustered note managing to break through the monotone expressions of his modulated voice “You’re hardly one to talk, so far you’ve not landed a single blow on me.”

“A fair point,” Tarvitz conceded, “So, let’s see you keep up with this, then.”

Making a number of exaggerated motions, he dropped into an elaborate stance. Lightsaber held above his head, point directed toward the sky, knees bent in an impractically heroic pose, and the palm of his other hand outstretched with his fingers curled into a claw-like gesture. The Knight simply stood there, head tilted to one side at the sudden display, apparently unsure of just what to make of this.

“Emperor’s Black Bones, what are you trying to-” he started, before Tarvitz pulled back his free hand and made a number of overly-dramatic displays in the air. The Knight was focused purely on him, so utterly baffled at the apparent stupidity, that he apparently failed to notice just Tarvitz reaching out with the Force. Or, for that matter, the sound of straining repulsorlift drives roaring toward the back of his head.

The Knight picked up on what was going on at the last second, either hearing the noise over the waterfall’s roar or forewarned by his own connection to the Force. He dived to one side as his droid swept past, dragged through the air by Tarvitz’s telekinesis. One flailing metal arm clipped his shoulder as it passed, impacting with a resounding crack and sending the Knight rolling away. Tarvitz’s halted his exaggerated distractions as the droid swept toward him, swinging out with its blade and parting its head from his shoulders.

Without pausing, Tarvitz dragged a pair of throwing daggers from his belt, hurling them both toward the prone Knight as he attempted to rise. Caught off-guard, the Knight raised his blade, reducing one to molten durasteel but only striking the other’s edge. Deflected, it missed his chest, instead lodging itself deep within the Knight’s right thigh.

To his credit, the Knight neither yelled nor screamed, offering only a pained grunt as the blade pierced both clothing and flesh. He still tried to rise to his feet, ready to fight again, but another Telekinetic push from Tarvitz sent him sprawling to the ground and rolling to the arena’s far edge.

With his opponent down, Tarvitz looked toward the items held in by the decapitated droid. One an angular white box of a data cube, the dead drop he had been seeking to locate. In the other, a golden torc of an ancient design, bearing a stylised intricate and jeweled insignia of a long-dead Sith Lord. Tarvitz pocketed them both without hesitation.

“I’m going to leave you now,” Tarvitz called out to the wounded Knight, “Alive, not dead, don’t worry about that. But just take this word back to your masters - The First Order aren’t welcome here. Try this again, and none of you will walk away alive.”

Tarvitz turned, departing swiftly without another word, racing across the bridge and back into the depths of the jungle.

Darth Renatus, 12 June, 2018 1:23 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You adapted well to the scarcity of action offered to you by the preceding post. You tried to add to it with good descriptions and then a creative encounter. It felt a bit dishonest to the qualities of the opponent, but didn't outright contradict any skills or aspects on offer. It's good that you tossed some dialogue into lulls in the combat. Use this style more in an opening post to really strengthen the content.


Areas For Improvement

Tarvitz’s halted his exaggerated [...]

No proofreader is perfect. It's good to get a couple passes from different people. The group settings of a coaching team is one good place for this, and can easily be constructed by a group of friends, allies, or clanmates. It's easy to miss "'s" here, but it still happened.

another Telekinetic push from [...]

This capitalization is both inconsistent and unnecessary. Earlier in the post, there was no capital. Which was correct, but it also set precedent. If you were to use "human" in your post earlier, but then "Human" later, both would be technically correct but applied inconsistently. That creates an error. In this case, there's no need for the capital at all, so it is both, but more importantly it is just a syntax error.

The pain of his new-found injury didn’t deter Tarvitz from driving his opponent away from the ancient arena of the Massassi. The Jedi had tasked him with protecting the site, along with whatever contents laid within. The arena, as well as the buildings surrounding it, had been subject to countless raids and attacks by huge Sith creatures, called Silooths, over the last century, and the Jedi of Odan-Urr had decided to step in.

Ka needed to fend off the Acolyte so he could retrieve the data from the dead drop in the pillar the droid had been searching around earlier. The droid was no longer searching the pillar, but had flown back inside the building on the opposite side of the platform from where Ka was. With his blaster in two pieces, the ranger was limited with range, and could only hit his opponent from a maximum of five meters away with his only remaining ranged weapon. He decided to give it a go, and deactivated his lightsaber. The Jedi raised both of his toes up, activating the sensors in his boots, which propelled him into the air using the thrusters strapped to each boot. As he quickly rose to a height three meters higher than Kadrol, he pushed a button on his wrist, which sent a plume of wild, orange fire directly at his opponent.

He held the button down for a few seconds before he noticed that the Gray Jedi was neither dead, nor had moved out of the range of the flames, but the ebbof the violet blade was gone. Tarvitz released the button, and the flames seemed to withdraw back into the flamethrower as the fuel slowly cut out over a few hundredths of a second. Kadrol quickly removed the cloak and stamped out a few of the small fires that had started in the three seconds he was in the flames. Ka took this time to make a strike on his opponent. He activated his lightsaber once again, charging his opponent from the air. Kadrol, who wasn’t entirely paying attention, was caught off guard, and the Force alerted him of the danger just in time for Kadrol to dive out of the way of the yellow blade sweeping just over his body.

Kadrol finished off the diving maneuver with a roll into a squatting position. At this time, Kadrol heard his droid, Bones, make a combination of beeps and whistles. Bones had found the amulet! Kadrol needed to get past the Jedi to get back to his spacecraft. He reached down and grabbed his cloak, quickly rolling it around his right arm as Ka closed the gap between them. Kadrol called upon the Force, entering a dead sprint toward his aggressor before leaping over him, tucking in his legs and doing a full flip before landing on the other side of the Jedi and resuming his beeline towards his spacecraft.

There was nothing Ka could do now to stop him. As Kadrol reached his vehicle, he slowed his pace, and climbed in. Bones was already aboard the shuttle, and had started the thrusters. Kadrol let out a sigh as the platform he had been on shrunk down to a dot as he headed back to Caelestis City to report his findings back to his master.

Darth Renatus, 12 June, 2018 1:35 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

There is an apparent level of research in your writing. That's a great thing to do, but it needs to be plied evenly. Try to give the same care to your opponent—the character and history, alongside motivations—as you would to your own. This can help you form a complete story.


Areas For Improvement

the ebbof the violet blade

Careful proofreading, and multiple proofers, can catch simple errors like this. The space between "ebb" and "of" ran off, and no one caught it. It's critical, when afforded the opportunity, to use the resources available to you. Something to keep in mind.

Pacing and Tempo

There's a rushed quality to your writing that really comes through, with several sentences feeling stunted. The action just sort of hops from movement to movement without any sort of fluidity. That's not completely terrible, but it can be very odd. You show the ability to write action well. It just needs to be smoother. This comes from practice and becoming more comfortable. The ending itself is very sudden. Ka is quite capable and the escape was both convenient and too easy. There's no real reason for Ka to let Kadrol leave so easily, without inhibiting it. Beyond that, at the beginning of this post it uproots the motivations for the conflict. In the set-up, Ka denotes that the purpose of being there is for a dead drop. In this post, apparently the Jedi are intervening with Silooths? It's an unnecessary inclusion in a final post that contradicts the established reasoning.