Mystic Jael Chi'ra vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Mystic Jael Chi'ra

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Sephi, Force Disciple, Techweaver
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Gentlemen, thank you first and foremost for making my day and participating in the ACC's competition Tempered Iron. This was quite an interesting matchup with a few familiar faces. The story was pretty solid, with a few surprising elements put into play, but all in all seemed normal between the both of you. The syntax errors found could easily be solved by scanning to make sure it's all past tense, and the use of spell check and/or proofreader. What really made a difference here was the realism. Both sides had issues in realism in their own respective way. What made the difference in this fight was how many realism highlights were addressed. This is a simple problem with a solution that just takes familiarity with skills and force powers on their CS. Reading in depth on their descriptions, knowing their limitations, or even checking with the staff can make all the difference. Aside from that, it was an absolute pleasure to read and learn about each of your characters in this conflict. I hope to see more of you in the future.

The winner, by a difference of 0.125, is Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Mystic Jael Chi'ra, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Mystic Jael Chi'ra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 7 September, 2018 9:47 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Lieutenant Creon Neverse
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: I give the advantage here because, although there were some details found, they weren't as frequent. I went back to tally the number on both sides, compared them, and concluded that one had less than the other. Like the example mentioned in the comment, spellcheck could have caught that, and something like a syntax advantage can make the difference in winning or losing. It never hurts to run it through before posting. Rationale: There were a few areas that could have been addressed easily with a grammarly/spellcheck review or a buddy. Some tense dancing to be aware of, we like past tense. However, none of these issues detracted from enjoying the story or caused any confusion. Good job.
Story - 40%
Deleted Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: There were good elements of sticking to each other's characters, their aspects, and the venue. There is always, however, a way to add depth to any story. Doing so will engage readers and make that 4 or 5 happen. Rationale: I give advantage here because, although telepathy was described being used instead of illusion, it was an interesting way to trigger combat. It avoided the cliche of running into each other, or having Jael refuse to leave his opponent alone until they fought. Instead Jael outright taunted Adrelious in a way that would get most men to put up their fists.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: As mentioned in the comments about when two fighters are engaged using the same combat skills against each other. Adrelious was far more superior than Jael in saber combat, addressing that would have helped instead of allowing Jael to easily hold his defense. Rationale: There were struggles with the use of Telepathy as well as Jael's immediate recovery from Force lightning. Looking a bit more into the descriptions of the powers, or asking us when using them, will help avoid those confusing grey areas on what a power can do versus what we assume they can do. Alsotake into consideration when adding an element or putting in a cause what the effects and reactions should be.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Vorran Shadowfeather
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: No issues
Deleted's Score: 3.87 Vorran Shadowfeather's Score: 3.75
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Shadows often spoke louder in terms of what was within the darkness of the Godless Matron, especially within Chute Town, where there were very many corners for one to hide behind. Those who wished to not be seen often stayed behind the veil of shade from what would be the illumination of lights of various intensity. This had been a known town to bring in the worst of folks, even true for the half-Sephi Odanite who walked through the streets with his BB-8 following closely behind him, the sounds of metal rubbing around in his chassis.

“Careful, droid,” Jael spoke up as he shifted his arms around the large metal container he carried. “We don't want to alert Ikesh to anything we might be doing… After all, we need to get out of this damned contract with him.” The Odanite had hated Hutt sympathizer for his asinine agenda and demands while he attempted to lead the Wildcards in his sister’s absence. “Hurry up,” Jael spoke again to his droid.

As his ears twitched with hearing an alert from his unit, Jael turned his head to see a secluded alleyway of Chute Town. “Over here.” He motioned with his head towards the alleyway by a dilapidated hovel. The Odanite silently relented against the sight of other criminals and placed the larger metal storage container upon the floor. “Now, tell me what you found.”

The BB-8 unit beeped, allowing a metal appendage to extend from its chassis towards the datapad Jael now held in his hands. As he turned his attention away from the droid, slightly glancing towards the end of the alleyway, Jael motioned with a quick nod of his head for the BB-8 to stand guard at the entrance. While the droid responded by following the command, Jael returned to the pad to begin reading the new information with the motion of his thumb, scrolling while he contemplated his next mission. He knew Ikesh had assigned him to rid the world of some man, but he did not realize the person would be so out of place for an establishment such as this.

Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj. Well, you have an extensive history. His thoughts started to hatch a series of haphazard plans on how to complete this demand from Ikesh. Nothing personal. Just another job. Ah… it says here he has kids… and a wife… I’ll have to make sure he can go home to them, now won’t I? Jael continued to flip through the stream of data, finding nothing really that resourceful and cursing the unit within his mind. So it seems he is an Imperial or was… He fought in wars, killed people, so he might be a challenge. However, why is he here on this ship?

The Odanite looked towards the droid, who motioned for him to come closer. “Yes, bud?” He spoke calmly as he moved nearer to the droid in a slightly relaxed appearance, yet he was very much on alert.


Anderlious stood just across the “street” from Jael’s position conversing with a man who appeared to be selling some goods of sorts. The Ex-Imperial had turned his head slightly to get a sense of his surroundings though he could not get a great deal of information in the horde of people.

“Sir?” the Ithorian had noticed the change in Anderlious’s expression which had become slightly pained. The merchant spoke again, but this time in Ithorese to another of his kind who sat behind him. “If you don’t want this,” the Ithorian motioned to a hunk of metal construct upon his stall. “Then I would suggest you leave, as you might attract attention.”

The Ex-Imperial narrowed his eyes at the creature, contemplating if he should make a scene, but understanding that if he did so then he might actually attract scrutiny that Anderlious did not need from these vagabonds. He let out a displeased sigh and angrily glared at the lowlife before he began to walk away heavily irked by the galls of such trash. “Fraking leatherneck…”

“Hey!” the Odanite called out as he followed after Anderlious with his droid feverishly releasing a series of beeps as it rolled after the pair. The Ex-Imperial smirked without turning his head as he continued to walk on. He had caught the would-be assassin and extended his thoughts to Jael just after he rounded a corner and focused upon the half-Sephi’s mind. He gathered what information he could while still being a bit out of touch with his sensing ability.

Once the Odanite rounded the corner, he met with Anderlious face-to-face, who appeared unhappy.

“What do you want, Jedi scum?” the man shot at Jael quickly once his focus upon the Odanite’s mind released.

Jael huffed for a few seconds and then smirked. “I just wanted to tell you one thing before you go.”

“Well?” Anderlious asked impatiently.

Once Jael cleared his mind of his wild plans on what he might say, he chuckled and spoke with a casual shrug, “I just wanted to tell you… that your wife is a dev’kuza.”

Within the Odanite’s mind as he reached out to the man’s thoughts, Jael gathered the image of Anderlious' wife and displayed her in a vulgar way telepathically, imagining himself toying with her and using her as the streetwalker she is. The Ex-Imperial’s eyes widened as he started to fume in anger with the vision continuing to play in his mind.

Seconds after the images had appeared in Anderlious’ mind there was a connection of his fist to Jael’s face in an uncoordinated right hook. The Odanite took a few steps back in shock and groaned in pain. He spit blood and smirked as he placed his hands up to return the favor with a quick set of jabs. He paused once his fists were up, collecting his focus before he released two empowered punches to Anderlious’ face and knocked the Ex-Imperial back.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 13 September, 2018 1:20 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I enjoy how you project both characters. Jael, I think, a clever guy. He used the information, specifically his wife, to draw him into fighting. Most writers just use the bit of “I’m not leaving cause I have to kill you” with the other guy saying “Welp, guess we gotta fight so I can go about my day”. You don’t do that here. You straight piss your opponent off. This both adds a unique interest into your character from readers and avoids cliches. It will be nice to see more of how Jael goes about things in future matches.

Can be Improved

Jael gathered the image of Anderlious' wife and displayed her in a vulgar way telepathically

As much as I LOVE this to be the instigation of the fight, it’s not how Telepathy works. It’s creative, clever, funny, and can set any man off. However Telepathy doesn’t relay visuals in one’s mind. It’s limited to concepts, intents, and passive thoughts. You can try to relay the shape of his wife telepathically, but what’s being received is moreso a description rather than a visual. Illusion, one to which Jael could have easily substituted, would have made this perfect.

Also, although there was a bit of combat towards the end, try to add a bit more for the first post. I get it, the first post is often the one who has to set up the scene, stage the characters, and give them reason to engage. But what’s the bread and butter of the ACC is combat writing. You got the bread, just needed a bit more butter.

Andrelious remained fuming as he stumbled backwards. He had no idea who the Sephi-Kiffar hybrid attacking him was, or why he was being targeted. But that no longer mattered to the Sith; Jael had crossed a line.

“It’s time you learned some respect, Jedi,” the Taldryanite fumed.

Jael moved forward to attack the Seeker again, but Andrelious, his movements steered by the Force, simply stepped away and left the Sephi swinging through air.

“Enough brawling. We’re going to settle this properly!” Mimosa-Inahj snarled, scooping his silver hilted lightsaber from its belt clip.

Jael peered around the area, as if he were looking for a fast exit, but not before activating his own lightsaber.

On seeing the two Force users arm themselves, many of Chute Town’s denizens quickly vacated the area. Even Jael’s BB droid rolled away a little, before thinking better of it and scooting back towards the Sephi.

“Your move, Sith,” Jael stated, his feet firmly in the reserved stance of a Niman user.

Andrelious didn’t need a second invitation. He went in on a heavy offensive, quickly forcing the Odanite into a series of determined defensive movements as he probed for an opening, chaining together blow after blow. As each attack was blocked, the Sith became more and more frustrated.

“You didn’t just seek me out because I’m a Sith, boy. Tell me. You have other reasons,” Andrelious stated between blows.

“None of your business!” Jael shot back.

“That’s where you’re wrong, boy. You’ll tell me what this is about. I assure you of that,” the Sith hissed, raising a single finger skywards. Jael spotted what his opponent was doing.

Some kind of signal. What’s he doing?

The half-Sephi had no time to wonder what was happening as Andrelious attacked again, but as the two lightsabers locked against each other in a shower of sparks, Jael spotted a black sphere in the corner of his eye. His BB unit emitted a high pitched screech.

Andrelious’ IT-000 responded with a series of beeps that almost sounded smug. The Odanite’s BB unit rolled behind its master.

“You have your little friend. This is mine. But it doesn’t play nice,” Andrelious added.

The arrival of the interrogation droid didn’t faze Jael. The files that Ikesh had provided regarding Andrelious warned that the Sith owned such a droid, although its usage in combat was questionable. The fact that it had so easily spooked the BB unit was enough to spur the Sephi-Kiffar into action.

“I don’t play nice with bullies,” Jael replied, staring straight at the IT-000, enveloping its circuitry with the Force. As Andrelious swung his lightsaber back to perform another attack, the Odanite used the few hundredths of a second he had to order the Interrogation droid’s motors to shut down.

The IT-000 dropped to the ground, emitting a screaming sound. Jael’s BB unit peeped out, snickering.

“Most impressive. Turning my droid off won’t be enough to save you, boy!” Andrelious roared. Jael waited for the Sith to attack again, but found his opponent had stepped back, as if to invite the Odanite onto him.

Chi’ra, seeing an opportunity to attack, rushed in, but immediately realised his mistake as Andrelious lifted his right arm, with his hand extended. The half-Sephi was knocked off his feet as though he’d slammed into a wall of duracrete.

“No more manipulation. Just your death!” Mimosa-Inahj hissed, conjuring a stream of Force lightning towards the floored hybrid.

The electric hatred surged straight into Jael’s body, hurting him moments before he was able to will the Force to protect him.

“One last chance, boy. Tell me why you sought me out. And I’ll let you live,” Andrelious declared.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 13 September, 2018 1:21 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

A lot of people actually don’t really do much with their droids. They are allowed to help with the fight in their own way if they are on your loadout. Which you took advantage of for this. It adds more elements in play than just the two main characters by giving the droids some attention. This is what real Star Wars does too, so i’m glad you brought yours into the fight.

Can be Improved

He went in on a heavy offensive, quickly forcing the Odanite into a series of determined defensive movements as he probed for an opening, chaining together blow after blow. As each attack was blocked, the Sith became more and more frustrated.

Andrelious’ skill in saber combat is scary. Yet here, as well as later on through the post, it didn’t seem as such. Djem So at +4 against a +2 Niman would have easily carved Jael outright. I understand that it would be very bad for story to outright end the fight on your first post. The point being, however, it would be good to steer the fight into the favor of the one who has better skill. This is minor, but a reader could think that Jael was easily able to hold his ground in a saber fight with Andrelious.

While the streaming surge of lightning entered his body, Jael’s mind swirled with wild dread and trepidation regarding his potential demise, his droid emit a series of panicked beeps. His hand quickly released his saber as his arms retracted inwards to his chest in an attempt to shield his torso. His body wiggled in agony even with his ability to lessen the sensation of pain. His thoughts could not concentrate on anything other than pain management as he struggled to stay conscious with the lightning coursing through him. Jael’s ears caught the sound of his droid rolling away with the rubbing of metal still in his chassis. The pain intensified for the Odanite as Andrelious pressed his will into his use of the Force more intently, Jael’s body convulsing more, and he lost his focus upon his unit again.

“The piece of trash you call a droid is none of your concern,” the Taldryanite growled as he ignored the unit, which rolled into a spectating group of onlookers who were brave enough to stay. “As I said, speak or you shall forever be silenced!”

The Sephi-Kiffar groaned loudly as his body convulsed with the unremitting hatred fueling Andrelious’ consistent attack. While the stream remained, Andrelious’ expression grew darker as his smile widened in a slightly unnatural way and a sense of a familiar rage crept in.

While his focus was upon the Odanite, Andrelious did not notice the BB-8 had wheeled around from the group to his left side with an extended metal appendage as the unit attempted to distract the Taldryanite with negligible success. The man had, within a matter of seconds, realized the droid had activated its shock weapon and withdrew away from Jael to refocus the lightning into the chassis of the unit before the tip of the prongs could even reach him.

As seconds passed between the sudden cessation of pain and refocusing on his surroundings, the Odanite willed his saber back to his hands before whipping his body around, jumping up to his feet, and igniting the blade. Before he could place his attention completely on his opponent, Jael felt himself pushed backwards with an incredible force into a merchant stand, scattering remaining onlookers from around the stall.

“Fraking hell, man!” Jael yelled as he began to lift himself from the stall’s remains before he experienced a sensation of immediate dread and dismay as he looked up to see the BB-8 in disarray with parts of its chassis blown to pieces. “Hey! My buddy did not deserve that!”

Andrelious turned his attention to the Jedi stray, sending the droid’s remains away from the area with a motion of his hand and proceeding to walk towards Jael.

“Woah, man. I’m just here for a job. Nothing personal.” The Odanite placed his hands up, softly smirking with his “winning” inappropriate smile. He knew he would be in trouble soon if he did not plan out his next move or pull something out of his ass.

“Who sent you?” the Taldryanite grit his teeth as he growled and his unarmed hand lit up with lightning in response to his building rage.

“You must be a joy at parties.” Jael’s attitude became more apparent as he made a gesture of his arms in a crossing motion and his middle finger extended with his tongue out.

Growling loudly, Andrelious lifted his right hand with his saber ignited as he came closer to the Sephi-Kiffar, poised to strike him for his insolence. He commanded his will with the Force to begin pulling the man closer as he gestured with his opposite hand. The man’s divided focus would allow for Jael to use his own abilities upon the IT-000 unit — which was still deactivated — as his eyes moved from the impending attack to the metal heap of circuits. Within his mind, the Odanite could visualize the changes he would need to make to assure this half-baked plan worked. He made a motion of his hand as he fought the mental strength of his opponent, improvising an attempt to change the droid’s system and activate the self-destruct protocol.

As the distance shrunk between them, Jael changed his mental strain from the droid’s inner workings, silently hoping the protocol would succeed as he did and willed himself out of his opponent’s psychic grasp. Once he hit the floor of the ship, he covered his head and curled tight in order to protect himself as the unit began to malfunction.

The Taldryanite turned as he realized what the man had done to his droid with the last few seconds remaining on the self-destruct protocol. He pulled his arms up to cover his face as a blast of energy erupted from the unit, sending him backward into a group of mercenaries who ran to assess the situation after enough citizens reported a fight between Force-users. When he noticed the mercenaries surrounding him in an attempt to arrest him, the man boiled completely in his rage, willing the Force to send them flying back into various spots.

He stood up from the floor and scanned the area for signs of the Odanite, but found he had escaped and only the screaming citizens remained. Disgruntled and displeased he was not able to kill the man or obtain real information regarding who sent him, Andrelious began to leave the area down the same path he came from, unleashing one last stream of lightning into the Ithorian merchant who had stayed behind his stall during the commotion in spite.

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 13 September, 2018 1:21 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Where the previous post introduced a droid conflict, you ended it with a droid conflict. Using Mecha Duru to activate a self-destruct protocol was pretty creative.

Can Be Improved

As seconds passed between the sudden cessation of pain and refocusing on his surroundings, the Odanite willed his saber back to his hands before whipping his body around, jumping up to his feet, and igniting the blade.

Being electrocuted sucks, and every iteration i’ve seen in Star Wars where someone took a direct hit of Force Lightning often took much more than a few seconds to recover. They struggle for quite a while, and sometimes are even knocked flat out unconscious. Having Jael recover this quickly and be ready to fight again doesn’t seem to fit.

Jael was not about to give into the Sith, even if it was becoming obvious that he was biting off more than he could chew.

“Well? What’s it to be?” Andrelious demanded.

The Sephi-Kiffar answered by climbing back to his feet. Surrendering to Andrelious was not an option; there was no guarantee that the Sith wouldn’t kill him anyway.

“Once again, I’m impressed. You have anger. You have hate. You just need to allow them to flourish. Now, strike me down. Give yourself to the dark,” the Taldryanite continued.

Jael looked unimpressed, remaining in a firm defensive stance. Andrelious could sense conflict within the hybrid, but also a cold determination to get the job done. He couldn’t establish exactly what the Odanite’s mission was, but as he was the target, that didn’t matter. He could find that out after he’d dealt with the upstart Sephi.

Andrelious charged at Jael with a roar, almost knocking his opponent to the ground with an aggressive series of slashes that tested the Odanite’s training to the core. Jael fended off the attacks with a little difficulty. Andrelious’ lightning hadn’t damaged his cybernetics, but his flesh hadn’t been so fortunate: his chest was singed and his scarring hurt every time he moved his arms.

Mimosa-Inahj’s eyes glinted yellow as he immersed himself in the dark side, looking for extra help in his quest to find a way past Jael’s determined defences. He could hear the hybrid’s breathing starting to become a little laboured and noticed beads of sweat starting to form on Chi’ra’s forehead.

Just a little more pushing and he’s mine!

Jael knew he was in trouble. If he didn’t act soon, Andrelious’ seemingly never ending onslaught would find a way through. As he blocked another attack, the Odanite spotted the Sith overextending himself just enough to expose his lower body.

Driven by desperation more that determination, Jael’s cybernetic arm moved off his lightsaber and moved towards his opponent’s legs The move pushed Andrelious back just enough to force him to stumble back, but the hybrid wasn’t quick enough to capitalise fully and managed only a half hearted attempt to chop the Sith’s left arm off.

“Nice try, boy!” Andrelious roared as he defended the counter attack. He steadied himself, changing the angle of his attacks to prevent the Odanite from trying to knock him off balance again, before unleashing a deadly chain of slashes that put Jael firmly back onto the defensive.

Mimosa-Inahj was starting to feel the effects of fatigue himself. His arms were finding the almost weightless lightsaber surprisingly heavy, but the idea of resting did not even cross the Sith’s mind. Instead, he just kept on looking for that opening.

Stepping back as the Force screamed a warning that Jael was about to try something again, Andrelious was not kept waiting for long. The hybrid aimed a high kick at the Taldryanite’s chest, clearly hoping to catch Mimosa-Inahj off guard. Instead, he had all the time he needed to neatly cut Jael’s incoming leg off at the knee, immediately following up with another slash to remove the Sephi-Kiffar’s other leg near the hip. Jael fell to the ground, still desperately clinging onto his lightsaber, but the victorious Andrelious simply pointed the end of his blade at the Odanite’s throat.

“Now. Let’s find out what you wanted with me,” the Sith declared, holding an outstretched hand near Jael’s head. The Odanite screamed as Andrelious started to aggressively probe through his mind.

“Ah! So Ikesh sent you! But I’ll bet you don’t know why,” Andrelious declared.

“It’s just a job,” Jael answered between heavy breaths.

“That overgrown slug tried to get involved with Taldryan business. That you came for me means he’s still got spies in the Caelus system,” the SIth continued. “As for you, you’re not going to be of use to Ikesh, anymore. I think I’ll let that overgrown slug’s men deal with you,”

Jael, tired and hurt, remained unmoving. His BB droid, which had been watching the duel unfold, beeped sadly, wishing it could do more but fearful of the Sith slaying its master if it dared to show any defiance.

Andrelious skulked away, scooping up his disabled IT-000.

I wonder if there’s a good place for deep fried porg in this hellhole

Lieutenant Creon Neverse, 13 September, 2018 1:26 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

feel the effects of fatigue himself. His arms were finding the almost weightless lightsaber surprisingly heavy,

This is good play for when you’re character is the latter portions of the fight. It gives a nod to both Endurance and Resolve when one’s stamina is getting pressed. When people put points into Endurance, they think it’s a way to ignore having to write their characters getting tired. This post avoids that. Good job.

Also, deep fried porg? Someone knows how to push Jael’s buttons. Thanks for the laugh. :P

Can be Improved

the SIth continued

Small Syntax. Nothing spellcheck or a proofer can’t fix.