Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj vs. Warlord Granta Prackx

Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Female Human, Sith, Shadow, Krath
vs.

Warlord Granta Prackx

Equite 4, Equite tier, Unaffiliated
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

First off, I'd like to thank you both for participating in this event. This was indeed an entertaining match to both read and judge for different reasons.

Kookimarissia, you did a good job of explaining the history between the two characters, which is important. A judge isn't going to know everything about every character, we're only human, so it was nice to see that from you. Your first post did this well, but there was a drop off between posts in things like Syntax and most notably Realism. I've expanded on these in the post comments to try and hopefully provide the means with which to avoid such things in the future. I'd be interested to see what you can do within the ACC in the future.

Andrelious, I can certainly see why you chose to make use of your alt in this match, it certainly added more of a flavour to the match than one would expect to see in a husband vs wife fight. You did a good job of writing the combat in both your posts, though Kookimarissia put up a bit too good of a fight in your first post. I've explained how I arrived at that in the post comments. Despite that blip, you proved to be a technically solid writer while there wasn't anything revolutionary about what you did with the plot you were presented. It was a strong effort nonetheless.

After compiling the scores and evaluating them, I declare Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj the winner

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj, Warlord Granta Prackx
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Granta Prackx's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 11 September, 2018 9:32 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Errors existed, but there were generally few of them, nowhere near enough to cause a drop to a score of 3 though. Rationale: Errors were present but didn't detract from the overall readability of the posts.
Story - 40%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: You follow the narrative set forth by your opponent without doing too much to make it your own. Some good combat writing and dialogue, but it doesn't quite go far enough for a 4. Rationale: You set forward a cliché plot, which is ok and it does the job of justifying the conflict, but a lack of action in the first post combined with the ending to your second post significantly hurt your score.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Kooki puts up too good of a fight given her injury and Prackx's boosted power advantage. Rationale: The stunt pulled with the boot rebounding the blaster bolt was quite a significant break in my suspension of disbelief, especially given the lack of such things in your loadout.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: Nothing spotted here.
Deleted's Score: 4.07 Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj's Score: 3.55
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer, it is only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

It had been a while since Kooki had last been out alone without one or more others in tow, but even though her love for her children was absolute, she was beginning to yearn for just a short time alone, without a whiny request. The feisty mother had arrived at this peculiar-looking place, which was already bustling with various people with various requirements. Unlike a lot of people, Kooki liked the crowds, as it was easier to blend in. This place fascinated Kooki, as she had never seen a place quite like it. People from all backgrounds shoved past her, through this metallic transformed location. She couldn’t help but wonder what adventures would unfold while she was here. Kooki looked around and inhaled and exhaled deeply. Now what to do first…

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a very tall figure shoved past Kooki with enough force to cause her to lose her footing and land in a small heap on the floor. As she rose to her feet, the irritated female looked round to see who had caused her downfall. It shouldn’t be too hard, given they were unusually tall. In the blink of an eye, Kooki caught sight of a reddish blur, but disregarded it and rubbed her eyes and brushed her hands. Once stood up, she noticed a smudge of blood across her hand. Kooki was not going to allow a cut on her palm to stop her from avenging her new enemy. She hastily ripped the base of her trademark cape and wrapped it around her hand, applying pressure as she did so.

No one injures Kookimarissia Mimosa-Inahj and gets away with it!

From a distance, seeing the black-haired female scrabbling about and nursing her injury was sadistically pleasing. But this was only the beginning. As the flame-haired female watched Kooki stand around scouring the crowded area for who injured her, she managed to avoid laughing out loud.

Wasting no time, Prackx cried out, “Hey! Hungry for more, missy?”

Kooki looked up and spotted the female towering above people in the crowd.

It was HER!

“You bet!” Kooki boomed.

Prackx stopped outside a building rather like herself- one that towered over the rest. Meanwhile, Kooki charged through the crowds trying to locate her opponent like a predator on the prowl for its prey. Just as she caught sight of the very tall female, Kooki shoved an official looking individual out of her path.

“Stop there!” the official ordered.

Prackx began to snigger.

Kooki breathed heavily, she tried to clench her fist, but her cut made it painful.

“I am not a threat,” Kooki explained, hastily whilst waving her sore hand.

“You are not a threat,” the officer replied robotically.

“You coming to get me or not?” Prackx baited.

“You bet!” Kooki boomed again.

Prackx ran inside the building and started teasing Kooki.

It wasn’t long before the duo were up on the rooftop terrace several feet in the air.

“You let your sweetheart get away...but I won’t give up so easily!” Kooki teased.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 12 September, 2018 10:56 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Syntax


I couldn’t find any errors in the post, which is something of a rare achievement so keep it up. I would say that proofing is good for everyone and it can help maintain the standard this post holds itself to.

Can Be Improved

Combat


The first post of a match is inevitably responsible for the setup of the conflict between the characters. However, this should not come at the expense of any combat. I would suggest planning out a post, making sure there’s both plenty of setup and combat to drive the narrative forward.

Granta Prackx had mixed feelings about running into Kooki. She held a great deal of disdain for the Alderaanian after finding out that she was married to Andrelious, but also secretly admired that Kooki, unlike most, did not appear remotely scared of her.

The two females stared across the roof terrace at each other, activating their lightsabers almost simultaneously, but both knew that they’d duel with words, first.

Granta knew she’d have to proceed carefully. If she killed Kooki, she knew that Andrelious would never forgive her, but she wasn’t about to allow the smaller woman to get away completely unscathed.

“He was mine long before you came along. He will be mine again. I know what he sees in you. He’s always been the same. Can’t resist a powerful female. When he sees just how powerful I’ve become, he’ll be back in my arms in no time!” Prackx stated.

“Hardly likely, love,” Kooki spat back, her tone dripping with sarcasm. “I’ve given him things you never even considered. With you, he just had a silly crush. With me he has a family,”

Granta raised an eyebrow. “Really? Pretty sure he was already a father when he met you,”

The last comment was enough for Kooki to charge at the larger woman. Prackx didn’t flinch as she moved into an aggressive stance and raised her blade to fend off the fuming Taldryanite’s initial attack. The Juggernaut, although considering herself Kooki’s rival, had never actually engaged her in combat before and was a little surprised by just how hard the Alderaanian was able to hit.

“Very good. I see you take fighting seriously,” Prackx said. Kooki could have sworn that the redhead even winked at her, but she was far too busy with trying to defeat her rival to care about such things.

Granta channeled her anger through herself, feeling her muscles harden as the dark side bolstered her already impressive physique. She started to try to smash Kooki’s lightsaber out of her hands, hoping for a quick resolution, but the Alderaanian remained firm.

The Juggernaut continued her onslaught, probing around Kooki’s defences, but she was unable to find any kind of an opening. Kooki, in spite of her injured hand, wasn’t about to give her rival a single inch. Fear that Prackx could indeed find a way to steal Andrelious back only drove the Alderaanian to fight harder, but she was finding it difficult to make any kind of attack against the taller female.

The two lightsabers clashed in mid-air, their blades locking together in a shower of sparks. Both fighters glared so icily at each other that the area suddenly felt a dozen degrees colder. Eventually, Prackx’s superior strength started to tell and the locked blades moved dangerously close to Kooki’s throat.

The Shadow, acting on pure instinct, pulled away from the lock, allowing herself to fall backwards and roll away moments before Granta’s blade lurched forward. Kooki rose back to her feet a short distance away, but was immediately forced to side-step an onrushing Prackx, whose blade sliced straight through the railings on the end of the terrace.

“That’s one hell of a drop. I’d hate to see you fall. That’d be a nasty accident!” Granta taunted.

“He’d never believe it was an accident. He knows what you’re like!” Kooki answered as the pair squared up again.

“And that’s why he’ll come back to me when I defeat you!” Prackx stated with a smirk.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 12 September, 2018 12:17 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Combat Writing


The two lightsabers clashed in mid-air, their blades locking together in a shower of sparks. Both fighters glared so icily at each other that the area suddenly felt a dozen degrees colder.

This was my favourite part of the post, it plays on the time honoured tradition of the faceoff during a saber lock and shows the disdain both characters have for each other. Moments like this have a place in the ACC and whether it’s a saber lock or some other tense moment the emotion can always be ramped up through added description.

Can Be Improved

Realism


She started to try to smash Kooki’s lightsaber out of her hands, hoping for a quick resolution, but the Alderaanian remained firm.

Here Prackx, with a natural might of 4, which is being boosted by Amplification, to Kooki’s 3 and with the ailment of a wounded hand should make for more of a struggle than Kooki being able to remain firm.

“Never!” Kooki hissed.

Pushing Prackx from behind would be far too easy, besides Kooki wanted to make her opponent squirm a bit more. The Alderaanian noticed Prackx shaking as she retracted her saber blade back through the damaged railings, whilst facing away from Kooki. She made the most of such an opportunity and sent a quick message on her datapad.

Minutes later, Prackx was facing Kooki once again, who had started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Prackx boomed.

Between giggles, Kooki managed to speak.

“You...you’re not scared of a bit of height are you?” she teased.

“You’d think being so tall, you’d be used to heights!” Kooki baited, and continued laughing.

Vasodilation in the tall female’s cheeks began to occur, as they started to change colour. Her inner anger at the pitch of Kooki’s laugh, almost cut through her entirely.

“HA! I’m NEVER afraid of ANYTHING!” Prackx yelled, as she held out her WESTAR-M5 blaster and pointed it toward Kooki’s hilt.

“At least I haven’t got children to lose. They will call me Mummy in no time!”

Without a second thought, a shot resounded and Kooki’s hilt flew across the metallic floor through the base of a pile of scraps of metal. The Alderaanian reached out to retrieve it, yet a scrap piece of metal came into her hand first. Not to be deterred by this, Kooki held the metallic object with sharp jagged edges and swung it across Prackx’s torso. A ripping sound echoed, as the scrap metal tore at the Warlord’s Imperial uniform and scratched her skin underneath. Two victories in one sweep in Kooki’s mind. As Prackx held one arm across her sore wound, she held out her blaster again, and fired another shot towards Kooki’s foot.

A loud scream echoed.

The blaster fell to the floor.

Kooki nervously approached Prackx crouched on the floor.

“What...the...frak?” the flame-haired female uttered.

“My...my...arm? But...how?” she continued to stammer.

Kooki grinned, and pointed at her boots.

“Steel-toe caps! Ricocheted the blaster bolt, dear!” she mused.

Her lightsaber hilt came into view. With a quick wave of her hand, Kooki was reunited with her trusted personalised lightsaber.

Prackx wasn’t impressed and began to scowl.

Kooki stumbled backwards, as she saw the anger in the whites of her enemy’s eyes.

Her ankles caught the edge of the rooftop terrace near the damaged railings, causing her to suddenly stop, trying to regain her balance.

She glanced over her shoulders slightly. The drop was admittedly very high, it almost blurred her vision. Kooki cautiously looked back round at the still crouching wounded Prackx.

“Quite...high...right?” Prackx managed to stutter. Kooki didn’t respond.

“I...almost feel...bad,” she continued.

“When you fell...for Andrelious...you fell...HARD!”

With her inner anger and jealousy and dismissing prior rational, Prackx reached out a hand.

Kooki fell.

Nervously, Prackx hobbled to the edge of the terrace. She peered over the edge.

Kooki seemed to be floating in mid-air.

A speeder door opened at the side and knocked Prackx on the forehead and she fell to the ground.

Kooki clambered inside the speeder.

“Let’s get outta here!” she ordered.

A few legal officials had been alerted to all the unusual noises from the rooftop terrace and burst onto the area. They noticed the female on the ground and rushed to her side.

“Unknown female. Very tall. Blaster wound to the arm. Scratched torso. Looks rather dirty. Signs of a dangerous spar. Unsure how severe. Get her to a medcentre. And fast.” the Officer in charge ordered.

Medics were soon on the scene and picked up Prackx and put her on a stretcher. As they did so, Prackx’s eyes flickered open.

“It’s alright, dear.” soothed a medic.

“It’s all over now.”

“It’s far from over!” Prackx scowled once again.

“It’s only just the beginning!”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 12 September, 2018 3:40 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Dialogue


I liked the dialogue in this post. It felt like it belonged within the context of the match. I would suggest taking notes of each character’s aspects for things to take advantage of while writing future dialogue.

Can Be Improved

Realism


The whole thing with the blaster bolt is pretty implausible and only made worse by the lack of mention of any such boots in the loadout. For something so crucial to the match more care should have been given and potentially used something else to stop the bolts. I would pay attention to loadouts to make sure you aren’t writing something that doesn’t make sense.

“He’s never coming back to you!” Kooki hissed. “He’s never even going to see you again!”

The seething Alderaanian didn’t give Prackx a chance to respond as she attacked, trying to make the most of the Juggernaut’s proximity to a dangerous drop. Granta was for the first time in the encounter forced to defend, but kept her feet stubbornly planted in the ground, refusing to give a single inch to the woman who had stolen her sweetheart.

The two females continued to exchange powerful blows as they tried to find an opening, but found themselves to be very well matched. Prackx was stronger, but any advantage that gave was neatly cancelled by Kooki’s ability to predict the Juggernaut’s next move with the Force.

As the fight continued, a pair of local enforcers entered the area, having heard reports of a scuffle. As soon as they saw the speed and ferocity of the combat, they quickly turned to leave the area, almost falling over each other in their desperation to get away from the duelling women.

“Enough of this! I’m getting through!” Granta roared, digging deep into the Force.

Prackx’s attacks started to get faster, forcing the Alderaanian into a far more defensive footing. Kooki started to show beginnings of fatigue as beads of sweat began to form on her forehead.

Now or never! the shorter female thought to herself.

As Prackx reared back to build up momentum for an almighty hit, Kooki quickly reversed her grip, her left hand now at the front. As the attack came in, the Juggernaut, having not spotted the rather subtle change, was completely caught out as her opponent was able to counter attack along a different series of angles.

Ducking to avoid Granta’s blade, the shorter female lurched forwards, nicking Prackx’s leg.

Screaming in pain, the former soldier tried her best not to completely lose her composure. She could sense that Kooki was starting to flag. She was about to go for another huge hit when she noticed that the Alderaanian hadn’t completely avoided her last attack. She allowed herself a laugh as she steadied herself for another round.

“What’s so funny!?” Kooki snapped.

“Now now. Keep your hair on!” Prackx taunted.

Kooki’s face fell. She moved her right hand to examine the top of her head. Sure enough, she felt the raggedy ends of swiftly severed hair.

“That’s it! No-one takes my hair!” Kooki snarled. Charging at her opponent, Kooki again switched her hands over on her hilt. Prackx, leaning forward, put too much weight on her injured leg. Pulling out of her move, the Juggernaut could do little to stop the Alderaanian’s fierce attack from slicing through her left wrist.

“You take my hair. I take your hand!” Mimosa-Inahj announced in a tone that sounded more tired than triumphant.

Prackx, having fallen into a heap, moved into a sitting position but didn’t try to stand. She still clutched her lightsaber in her remaining hand, ready to block any attempted finishing moves from Kooki.

“You fight very hard, Prackx. I like that,” Kooki said, winking. “If circumstances had been different, the two of us could have taken on the galaxy as allies. But as it is, you’re frakking lucky that I’ve only taken your hand,”

“Aren’t you going to finish things here, Mimosa?” Granta answered, deliberately omitting the second half of the Alderaanian’s family name.

“Not today. I’ve made my point. But if you ever threaten to take Andrelious from me again, it’ll be far more than your hand I take! Do I make myself clear?” the Shadow warned, pointing the end of her blade at Prackx’s throat.

The taller female answered only with a nod.

Kooki turned to leave the roof terrace, grinning from ear to ear.

Me 1. Prackx 0.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 12 September, 2018 4:30 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Continuity


I like how the post starts with a response to the end of the last post. It helps make it feel as if the events of this post happened immediately after the action of the last post took place which should always be the case. I would encourage writing the end of a preceding post down so you can figure out how to use it to form a bridge between the action or dialogue taking place to your own post.

Can Be Improved

Syntax


A few niggling errors here and there, nothing major but having a post proofread is a good way to try and mitigate these appearing in the future. Reading out your post would also help.