Reaver Luna Okami vs. Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Reaver Luna Okami

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Human, Mercenary, Field Medic, Mandalorian
vs.

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
Comment

Oh, boy was this a close one. Thank you both for taking part in Operation: Tempered Iron, it was an interesting match to read, as NFU vs FU matches can be.

Turel, I found the opening to your first post to be weird at first, then I realised how creative it was since it was just an excuse to get both parties to the venue. Your posts were tidy and were able to show flashes of what would have made for an even better story, but your ending left a sour taste in my mouth as it was a confrontation that deserved to have a definitive winner and loser. Overall, you wrote well, with a few minor mistakes making this match closer than it could have been.

Mark, you are a very good technically sound writer, you don't make heaps of mistakes, though sometimes this doesn't always lend itself to a very engaging narrative. I'm glad to say that in this match you were able to take the story set out before you and continue it, but you were also able to add something of your own to it, and I particularly liked how you leveraged Luna's aspects into your posts. You did have some syntax errors, and the ending was a little underwhelming, but it was solid writing overall.

This match was incredibly close, so I must thank you both again for completing this match. After calculating the scores, I declare Luna Okami(Turel) the winner

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Reaver Luna Okami, Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj
Winner Reaver Luna Okami
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Reaver Luna Okami's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Dromund Kaas: Dark Temple Ruins
Last Post 19 September, 2018 9:50 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Not a whole lot, but more than a handful of errors. Rationale: Nothing major but there were a few mistakes.
Story - 40%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: You did well to add another dimension to the story you were presented with but your ending felt like a kick below the belt with regards to a solution to a conflict. Rationale: An interesting opening, though the first post was largely lacking in action. The ending came across as anticlimactic but overall it was an interesting story presented.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: Andrelious' positioning in the first post and him surviving the fall only to die soon after feel like minor stretches so it's not a three but I can't give a five either.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Not an error in sight Rationale: Nothing found.
Deleted's Score: 4.45 Champion Rajhin Cindertail's Score: 4.47
Posts

Dromund Kaas Dark Temple Ruins

Abandoned and forgotten, the ruins of the Dark Temple have slowly succumbed to the erosion of time. In the central chamber the walls have crumbled, the ceiling has caved in, and the jungle now flourishes within the once pristine halls.

Green light filters through the temple, mixing eerily with the dark, violet hue of Dromund Kaas’ sky. Lightning flickers overhead, the raw energy of the Force clashing high above. The floor is overgrown with large plants and grasses that have swallowed the old stone. Wild creatures roam freely, skittering away from the presence of intruders while vicious predators hide just out of sight.

The main hall is lined on both sides by towering statues, heads bowed in supplication. They stand in deference to the sculpture of a pure-blooded Sith, which towers over the chamber with outstretched arms. The sculpture has been split diagonally down the middle, as if cleaved in two by a rusted blade, but the majesty in the stone still echoes to the past.

On either side of the main hall, remnants of branches to inaccessible parts of the temple remain. One might tilt their head to take in what is left of the mezzanine—the balcony overlooking the chamber—still held aloft by the great pillars standing behind the statues. Several of the pillars have fallen, providing a pathway up to the mezzanine for those willing to take the risk for higher ground. Spirits of the Sith are rumored to still haunt the grounds—waiting for poor, misguided fools to walk blindly into their domain.

Flashing red lights and frantic beeping filled the cockpit as the Valkyrie shook with blaster impacts in the stormy atmosphere of Dromund Kaas. Luna Okami braced herself in the co-pilot seat while her companion Eris Okami tried in vain to keep the T-3c shuttle in the air.

“I thought that Collective defector was supposed to choose a deserted meeting place,” Eris quipped as she deftly worked the vessel’s controls. “I don’t know who’s in that shiny JV-7, but I’ve never seen anyone pull maneuvers like that in an escort shuttle,” her voice betraying a begrudging admiration.

The shuttle rocked violently as a missile from their pursuer found its mark. Luna clutched the edges of her chair with a sense of powerlessness; she hated space combat. “Osik'la,” the human instinctively swore in Mando’a before returning to Basic, “Focus on the task at hand.”

The Devaronian pilot shot a defiant glance at her senior passenger, “Shields are down, and that last hit took out the engines, you might want to secure yourself in the back. This is going to one of those landings.”

Luna did not need her fellow Okami to elaborate further; this wasn’t the first time they had crash landed. She unbuckled the co-pilot’s seat and fought against gravity and the momentum of the craft to get to the passenger section amidship. The Mandalorian secured herself into a chair and grasped the handles next to her head tightly.

Eris let out a string of curses, artfully blending Basic and Mando’a profanity, as she attempted to partially fold the side wings of the shuttle up and angle the landing so the belly of the ship would take most of the impact. The Devaronian was partly successful, for a multi-ton hunk of durasteel falling out of the sky it was about as graceful a landing as one could expect given the terrain. She had managed to steer the vessel toward a relatively flat piece of jungle near what appeared to be an ancient temple of black stone.

Luna blinked. From what she could tell the shuttle was still relatively intact, and she was uninjured save a bruise on her right shoulder and waist from the force of the impact channeled to the seat restraints held her in place. The Mandalorian freed herself and rushed to the cockpit to check on her companion. The safety features of the craft had done their job and held Eris in the pilot’s seat. Luna performed a quick examination of her friend. The Devaronian female had minor cuts from flying windshield glass and seemed unconscious with a possible concussion. The older woman removed the safety harness and lifted her friend out of the pilot's seat, thankful Eris didn’t weigh as much as some of her comrades and wore the lighter variant of their clan’s armor. She gingerly placed Eris into one of the shuttle’s medical capsules and hit the release on the ramp.

Luna stepped out into the Dromund Kaas jungle and scanned the cloudy evening sky for signs of their pursuer. If the mysterious escort shuttle made another pass, she’d have to move her companion’s capsule into the cover of the canopy. She spotted the pristine JV-7 circling around the crash site and moving for a landing about 150 meters away. Whoever had shot them down was coming on foot to examine their kill. The Okami secured her weapons and scout droid and moved into the jungle to intercept them.


Andrelious Mimosa-Inahj stepped off the ramp of his escort shuttle Tseb'si'tsaerb III into the humid air of Dromund Kaas. Thunder rolled in the rainless dark sky breaking up the cacophony of insect and birds in the surrounding wilderness. The whole planet seemed to overflow with the dark side, especially this close to the famed Dark Temple. Combined with the adrenaline rush of shooting down what he believed was a rogue Inquisitor loyal to Pravus, the Sith felt more invigorated than he had in a long time.

The seasoned pilot hiked up a small hill and followed the path of dug up terrain and fallen trees caused by his quarry’s crash landing. “A real shame,” he thought as the enemy craft came into view, “A fine Imperial design.” Andrelious clutched his faithful E-11 rifle and continued toward the now disabled T-3c, he had just noticed the ramp on the shuttle was down when a warning reverberated through the Force like a bolt of lightning, causing the hair on his neck to stand on end.

Without thinking, the Sith dove to the right mere seconds before a blaster bolt struck the ground directly behind where he had been walking. He rolled on his side behind a large log and barely had a moment to catch his breath from the sneak attack before a follow-on shot flew over his hiding spot hitting a tree outside of the crash zone.

“Damn sniper coward,” the older human spat with disdain as he considered his options. He did not know how many enemies had survived the crash. Andrelious struggled to calm himself enough to reach out through the Force. Another shot struck the base of the log. The Sith let his focus shift from his physical senses to the ethereal. He couldn’t sense the presence of another Force user, only the fierce determination of the sniper. They were either very good at disguising their presence in the Force or they were mundane.

Andrelious secured his rifle and readied one of his lightsabers. Drinking deep of the dark side energy around him, he channeled the Force into his muscles and leaped up from his prone position. His ruby blade sprang to life as he rose and deflected an incoming bolt with a single fluid motion.

The Sith continued his advance, holding his saber at the ready and batting away the occasional volley from his assailant with ease.

“Give up you fool,” he said quietly with a smirk as his advance toward the shuttle continued.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 September, 2018 3:06 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Introduction


I like the creative direction you went with for the set up of the match, even if it’s not exactly explained why someone would shoot down Luna’s ship. I’d suggest including the reason for shooting down the ship in the post to not leave the reader confused. Also, finding creative ways for characters to enter the venue can, within reason, be a positive in the future.

Can Be Improved

Realism


There’s a part of the post where Andrelious rolls on his side, then later on in the post he’s described as moving himself from a prone position with no mention of where he ends up after rolling on his side. I’d suggest using more specific language to define what you meant the result of the roll to be to avoid portraying an inaccurate image later on.

Luna aimed towards the approaching Andrelious and squeezed the trigger of her rifle again. The weapon responded with an almost inaudible wheeze.

Uttering a Mando’a curse, she disengaged the rifle’s spent energy cell and started rummaging around for a replacement.

Meanwhile, Andrelious was almost upon the T-3c’s crash site.

They weren’t much in the air, but whoever flew this did a damn good job at landing the thing, the Sith mused. He didn’t dare to stop for too long to examine the downed shuttle; he was being shot at by at least one survivor.

The Taldryanite wasn’t relishing the prospect of a hunt through the jungle, but he certainly preferred it to the idea of having to enter what remained of the temple. Whilst he was far from convinced about the legends of an old Sith Empire, he certainly got a feeling of darkness that filled him with an even greater sense of dread than the time he had forgotten to make Kooki her morning caff.

Luna finished attaching a new energy cell and after a quick look through her weapon’s sight, she spun the rifle on its bipod and resumed firing at her target.

Andrelious, blocking another incoming blaster bolt, started to pick up the pace a little.

“Last chance! Surrender and you will not be harmed!” the Sith shouted. He was now close enough to Luna for the Mandalorian to identify the dagger worn on his belt.

Inquisitorius. This was a trap!

Although the ongoing conflict between Odan-Urr and the Inquisitorius had largely taken a back seat thanks to the Collective, Luna was still very much aware of the threat that their agents posed to her and the rest of her Clan.

“No!” Luna eventually replied, firing another shot in Andrelious’ direction. The former Imperial was now closing down on her location. The Odanite would need to switch tactics, and soon.

Arming her smoke grenade, the Mandalorian hurled it between herself and the approaching Taldryanite. As the area quickly filled with an acrid cloud, Luna stepped deeper into the jungle. She didn’t have the time to collect her sniper rifle, but with Andrelious on the prowl, the fight would soon call for a closer range weapon.

Mimosa-Inahj coughed a few times as he plowed straight through the smoke, but the distraction had proven effective and his prey was nowhere to be seen. He could still sense her nearby, but her presence was close to invisible against the myriad of jungle life. As he passed the abandoned sniper rifle, Andrelious chopped through the weapon with his lightsaber. Destroying the weapon that had given him so much trouble felt like a victory, but he wouldn’t be sated until he had found and dealt with its owner.

“Come and face me,” Andrelious demanded.

Luna prepared to fire her Bo-rifle at the Sith, but stopped herself.

There’s no point. He’ll just keep on blocking me forever. I need to stop him.

“I will not yield to you, or those you serve,” the Mandalorian declared, having switched her weapon to its electrostaff configuration.

For the first time, Andrelious wished he’d just bombarded the area around the crash site with his ship’s cannons as he looked at his opponent. He certainly hadn’t been expecting a fully armoured Mandalorian, or at least somebody who claimed to be one.

“You don’t seem the kind to have stayed loyal to Pravus. Are you one of those pretend Mandalorians who use the name for credits?” the Seeker questioned, staying well back and preparing himself.

“I’m not loyal to Pravus. And you’re not a Collective defector. Are you responsible for this trap?” Luna questioned. “And how dare you accuse me of dar'manda!” she snapped

Andrelious shrugged. “Fiery, aren’t you? Perhaps you really are Mandalorian. How about you prove it?”

Before Luna had a chance to respond, the Taldryanite attacked. He swung his lightsaber straight for the armoured female, but the Mandalorian simply reached out with her electro-staff, parrying the incoming crimson blade away with her weapon’s tips.

“Very good, but we have already entered endgame. Your mundane weapons are nothing compared to the strength of the dark side!” Mimosa-Inahj announced.

“You darjetii are all the same,” Luna responded.

Andrelious moved in to start another attack, but the Odanite was already on the offensive herself. She dodged the Sith’s lightsaber, before landing a blow on his chest. The move, although it did not hurt Mimosa-Inahj, was enough to force him to take a few moments to recover his breath.

Luna slipped away again, her electro-staff switching back into a rifle almost instantly.

The chase was back on.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 26 September, 2018 3:24 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Dialogue


I thought the post made good use of dialogue, advancing the plot and providing further motivation for the conflict without making it too much of the focus of the post. I would suggest keeping an eye on the post as you’re writing it to make sure dialogue doesn’t take over.

Can Be Improved

POV Shift


The post frequently shifts between Andrelious and Luna’s POV, this is a little disorienting at times and could be helped in multiple ways. One way is by writing half of the post as each character and separating with a line break, alternatively, you could stick to focusing on one character and write their opponent reacting to them.

A bolt of lightning illuminated the thick vegetation fo the Dromund Kaas jungle as Luna ran. She removed her helmet in order to help her breathing, for what little good it would accomplish. Everything she had done since the crash was catching up with the older female, fatigue was setting in. Sheer force of will forced her limbs forward.

“Sirius,” she called into her comlink, “has anyone else approached the crash site?”

The scout droid beeped a negative response over the com and resumed its vigil near the downed shuttle.

A small measure of relief rushed over Luna, this irate Force-user was the only threat and she was leading him away from where an unconscious Eris lay. Though one practiced in the ways of the Force was no small threat. She knew the odds were not in her favor but that would not deter her from fighting till her dying breath. Eris was like a daughter to her and this arrogant Sith would quickly learn how ferocious a mother wolf could be.

Luna needed a plan but as she frantically scanned her surroundings none materialized in her fatigued mind. Melee was suicide, at best she could hold her own for a time but she had seen enough Force users in action on Nancora to know how deadly their lightsabers could be. One mistake is all it would take. Fighting at range was also ineffective given how skillfully this apparent Inquisitor had deflected her shots. She had few tools at her disposal and no time to fashion any from the jungle around her. A dart could incapacitate her opponent or at least dull his supernatural reflexes enough to level the playing field.

Just as a hasty plan of attack formed in Luna’s mind she noticed a sharp drop off in the terrain ahead. Time had ran out, it was now or never. She peered over the edge of the sharp cut in the otherwise gentle downward slope of the land away from the prominent temple landmark and estimated it was roughly a ten-meter drop. With her jetpack this could be used to her advantage when the time came. The Okami converted her bo-rifle back to staff form for a desperate last stand.

“You can’t hide from me!” Andrelious taunted from just out of view. “Running isn’t the Mandalorian way last time I checked. Come face me you coward!”

The verbal jab was a blatant attempt to get Luna to do something aggressive and foolish. On a younger Mandalorian, it might have worked, but Luna Okami had decades of combat experience and the patience of a hunter. The cur would pay for his insults in due time. She was not running from the fight, only choosing her battleground.

The Sith emerged from thick vegetation to find his opponent waiting and with her staff at the ready. “You landed a hit on me once before, it won’t happen twice.” He tightened his grip on the blazing ruby lightsaber.

“We shall see,” Luna replied calmly.

Andrelious smirked and launched into a downward overhead slash, a heavily telegraphed move and easily parried by his Okami opponent but he wasn’t going for the killing blow just yet. He would toy with this mando some to see just how skilled she was. The Sith probed the Odanite’s defenses with powerful strikes that leveraged his natural strength and skillful positioning. Luna struggled to block them.

“Is that really all a daughter of Mandalore can muster? No wonder your kind was all but wiped out by the Jedi. Pathetic,” Andrelious sneered.

Luna missed a block and the crimson blade sliced through her bo-rifle. What her opponent didn’t realize was that this was part of the plan. She side-stepped, letting the broken pieces of her weapon fall as the Sith’s saber continued its downward momentum. In a move of sheer desperation, she brought her right wrist as close to Andrelious’ neck as she could manage and triggered the release on the poison dart.

An invisible hand shoved her back and out of position, the dart missed its mark and she fell backward. Andrelious looked down at her with an impressed expression on his face, holding his saber with one hand and aiming his free palm at her. Had he sensed the attack before it happened?

“Nice try, perhaps you really are a mando.” Before Luna could get up the Sith stepped forward with his humming saber aimed at her neck. With his opponent apparently disarmed, Andrelious believed he had won. “I shall give you a warrior’s death fitting of your people then. Any last words?”

The Okami’s cold eyes blazed with defiance as she slowly shifted to a crouch position with the saber millimeters from her throat. The Sith had failed to notice the cliff’s edge was to his back. He was too busy gloating. She said nothing in reply that would alert him.

Luna triggered her rocket pack and Andrelious pulled the saber back in an attempt to dodge. Her armored shoulder caught him in the abdomen and both went flying over the edge. In a frantic attempt to break free of his assailant, the Sith brought his saber down on the Okami’s rocket pack. The now unstable rocket pack pulled Luna straight up, leaving Andrelious to fall to the jungle floor below.

The Sith’s final thoughts before succumbing to his injuries was savoring his victory as Luna exploded above him.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 September, 2018 11:27 AM UTC

Dialogue


The post does a good job of including dialogue without it being the central focus of the post. I would suggest trying to maintain this balance by using dialogue sparingly as opposed to writing it too much, planning the post out before writing would also help.

Can Be Improved

Winner?


At the end of your post, both Luna and Andrelious die. This leaves the confrontation with no winners, only losers. While that sounds all poetic, it comes across as an anticlimactic end to the match. I would suggest working out who is going to be the 'winner' and figuring out how you're going to set that up.

With his prey having slipped away, Andrelious was seething. He was already angry enough that he had been brought to such a backwater for no apparent reason, and the fact that Luna didn’t seem to be behind the ruse angered him further. Someone was toying with him, and they would pay, but he had to deal with the irritation posed by the Mandalorian fist.

Luna was a weapon down, but she was far more comfortable in the jungle environment than Andrelious, who didn’t appear to be suited for a longer, more drawn out conflict. She’d be able to last for days, whilst the Sith would probably either get hungry, or simply become tired of the chase.

Just wait it out. Let him leave. the female reasoned with herself, observing Andrelious from a safe distance.

Andrelious could still feel Luna nearby, but he couldn’t physically see her. He pondered continuing deeper into the jungle in an attempt to locate her.

No. That’s playing into her hands. Let’s see if she left anything on that ship of hers!

The Sith turned back towards the crash site and surveyed the scene. The T-3c’s fuselage was still largely intact, whilst smoke plumed from the destroyed engines. The ship would probably never fly again, but as Andrelious approached, he was sure he could sense life from within.

As the Taldryanite disappeared from view, Luna started to wonder exactly what Andrelious was doing.

“Find him, Sirius,” the female said to her droid.

The DDP-13 beeped in compliance and flew away, its photoreceptor blinking furiously at it scanned the area for lifeforms. Meanwhile, Luna switched her helmet to thermal view, knowing that Andrelious’ body heat would give away in the chilly jungle. To her horror, she spotted a red and orange blob moving straight towards a rather familiar looking large white object.

Eris. He’s going after Eris. The evil little hut’uun

Andrelious clambered the ramp of the crashed Valkyrie. He examined the cockpit instruments, which confirmed that the engines were destroyed, whilst also indicating that the ship was connected to something a little way out in the jungle.

Luna sprinted as fast as she could, genuinely terrified at what she was going to find aboard her ship. She was long past the shock that anyone would ignore a fully armed combatant in favour of a wounded companion, but the idea of anyone hurting Eris still made her sick to the stomach. Puffing and panting as she ran, she almost fell over as she reached Andrelious, who was examining the medical capsule as if to ascertain exactly how he was to get inside.

“Stop! You have no quarrel with Eris!” Luna cried out.

“So this person is with you? That makes her guilty by association!” Andrelious snapped in response.

Luna fired two shots towards the Sith, who once again deflected them away with simple swats of his lightsaber. The attack hadn’t been intended to hit Andrelious, but to simply keep him occupied whilst the Mandalorian moved into range and converted her weapon into electro-staff mode.

“Guilty by association? Typical Inquisitor. Always lightsabers first, questions later,” the Odanite declared.

Andrelious raised an eyebrow. “I’m not with the Inquisition. Not anymore. Not since Karufr,” he explained, not lowering his lightsaber.

“You sound like one and you act like one. Same difference to me,” Luna sneered. As she studied Andrelious, looking for a potential weakness, she spotted an empty child carrier on the Sith’s back. “And yet you have children?”

“Four. Three daughters, one son. They’re who I fight for. Not the Brotherhood, or the Lotus, or even Taldryan. My family,” the Seeker explained.

Luna nodded. “And Eris is part of my family. Aliit ori'shya tal'din,”

“I don’t speak your dialect. Something to do with family?” Andrelious guessed, remembering something Nadrin Erinos had once told him.

“Family is more than blood. Perhaps not for you; you’re lucky. Your blood family’s survived a warzone,” the female replied.

The two combatants still pointed their respective weapons at each other, but the dialogue seemed to have given Andrelious a pause for thought. His whole pose started to relax.

“That still doesn’t explain why you’re here. I came here to find one of the zealots that stayed with Pravus. And from what you said earlier, you thought I was a Collective defector?” the Taldryanite questioned.

“Yes. Only realised you weren’t when you came at me with that lightsaber,” Luna explained.

“You still shot at me,” Mimosa-Inahj stated, tensing up again.

“And you shot me down. I have to protect my family. As you thought you were protecting yours,”

“Simply acting on the information I had at the time. But you don’t even know me, or my family. I very much doubt we’ll even meet again. I think I can just about walk away from this. For once, nobody has to die,” Andrelious commented,.

Without bothering to wait for Luna to answer, Andrelious walked away, keeping his lightsaber active in case the Odanite tried anything. He wasn’t too surprised when she didn’t.

Getting way too old to play war... he thought as he climbed back into Tseb’si’tsaerb III.

Luna Okami pushed Eris’ medical capsule back towards her ship, still not quite sure as to what had happened or why Andrelious had seemed to back down so quickly.

*Even to a Sith, family is everything. Never too old to learn...” the female mused.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 September, 2018 11:37 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Story


I like how the post had Andrelious going back towards the ship to draw Luna out, even if he didn’t know it would do so. It tied in well with Luna’s Den Mother aspect. Integrating aspects is a good way to boost the Story, instead of just making it a 'my numbers are bigger than yours' contest. I would suggest doing this more often in your writing, maybe even planning it out to help you do so.

Can Be Improved

Winner?


At the end of your post, both Luna and Andrelious walk away. This leaves the confrontation with no winners, only losers. While that sounds all poetic, it comes across as an anticlimactic end to the match. I would suggest working out who is going to be the 'winner' and figuring out how you're going to set that up to avoid such an anti-climax again.