Warrior Magik vs. Warlord Granta Prackx

Warrior Magik

Equite, Clan Arcona
Male Human, Sith, Arcanist, Imperial
vs.

Warlord Granta Prackx

Equite, Unaffiliated
Female Human, Sith, Juggernaut
Comment

Hey guys, thanks for finishing this match and for participating in the Operation: Tempered Iron event. This was a good match to read and showed areas of strength as well as areas which can be improved in for you both, so let's get into that.

Mark, as I've come to expect from you, you deliver a sound performance with your writing. Syntax wasn't too far from achieving a 5, but little mistakes get sorted out through extra proofing given enough time. Story-wise, I feel like the first post could have done with more action as it felt like more of a description of the venue then at the end a fight happens to break out and then the focus shifts to that as opposed to being a more balanced post. Your second post rescues it for you in this regard, having plenty of action and a sound conclusion to wrap it all up. Overall, it's solid writing as usual, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.

Magik, having read some of your previous matches I am pleased to report that I've noticed an improvement in your syntax, though there are always more improvements to be made. I just thought you should be given credit where it is due and if you keep progressing like this, then it may not be something that gets brought up routinely. I do believe you could benefit from practising looking at character sheets and other resources such as the Skills and Force Powers to gain an improved understanding of how Skills and Force Powers work at respective skill levels for better use in your match. On a character sheet, you can also click on the skill or force power you want, and the wiki description for that tier appears, it's not an exhaustive list of what it can do, but it's meant to give an idea. I would also highly recommend taking notes about what happens in your opponent's posts and following on from the end of them as opposed to repeating their posts before getting into original content.

Thanks again for finishing the match, I declare Andrelious(Mark) the winner with a score of 4.525.

Hall Operation: Tempered Iron [2018]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Competition [ACC] Operation: Tempered Iron
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warrior Magik, Warlord Granta Prackx
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warrior Magik's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Warlord Granta Prackx's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ahch-To: Ancient Islands
Last Post 28 September, 2018 1:27 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Magik
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A few missing commas and hyphens are the largest offenders here though there are a few other odd mistakes that keep the score at a 4, nothing distracting enough to cause a 3. Rationale: Mixing up of words was the biggest problem I could find, but nothing stood out or happened enough to lower the score any further.
Story - 40%
Deleted Magik
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: It starts off as a fairly basic story, and a lack of action in the first post doesn't help, but the second post manages to make it a genuinely intriguing match to read from your side and boosts it from a 3 to a 4. Rationale: The story is fairly average. There's nothing that stands out from what had been established by the time you got to post.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Magik
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Not a thing spotted. Rationale: Prackx's Endurance advantage seems to be disregarded in your ending with her being more tired than Magik as is her higher skill in lightsaber combat.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Magik
Score: 5 Score: 1
Rationale: Nothing wrong here. Rationale: Both posts start out as if nothing else had been written in the match.
Deleted's Score: 4.52 Magik's Score: 2.75
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest. Carved into the stones of the various islands are sets of winding, ascending and man-made pathways.

The crisp, clean air that wisps off the ocean helps maintain a fairly mild temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide. Porgs litter the islands, the oceans teem with a wide variety of fish, and large, docile Thala-sirens loiter on the rocky shores.

Although better known as the legendary home of the Jedi Order, a species of small-statured amphibious natives live simple lives as caretakers of the Jedi ruins. The ruins themselves are primarily small collections of stone huts, although numerous hidden caves dot the islands. Some contain evidence of previous habitation; many more house strong Force auras with mysterious effects on sentient beings, particularly Force-sensitives.

To Granta Prackx, Ahch-To sounded more like a sneeze than a planet. As she parked her ship, Polarising Personality, one of of the larger islands, she immediately noticed that the entire place was heavily populated with Porg.

So this is where those damned things are from, the female thought.

Granta had only just recovered from a recent skirmish that had cost her her left hand. Her cybernetic replacement still felt very unusual, but she hoped that the upcoming encounter would allow her to become more used to it.

The Juggernaut’s journey to Ahch-To was not a leisure trip. She’d heard that the Collective was gathering on the planet, likely to intercept any Force users who dared make a pilgrimage to the ancient Jedi temple. Ahch-To itself was not known to many, but the rumour that Luke Skywalker had been hiding there was enough to attract a little interest. Prackx had no time for such rumours, nor was she particularly interested in saving anyone from the Collective, but for one thing; the Collective posed a threat to her beloved Andrelious. If she could eliminate even one of their operatives, the threat to Andrelious would be reduced.

Magik steered his Star Courier towards the surface of Ahch-To. He wasn’t certain that the Collective would be interested in such a remote planet, but orders were orders and he was to make sure that any Collective activity was reported back to the Arconan summit. Spotting Polarising Personality, the male was a little surprised to see what appeared to be a stock ship, albeit painted red.

I thought they insisted on modifying everything. Magik mused, bringing his ship in to land nearby.

Prackx slouched against the hull of her ship, but as the Star Courier came into land, she soon realised that she could sense a Force user aboard. As the ramp descended and a dark skinned male Human made his way onto the surface, she felt the unmistakably cold sensation of a fellow dark side user.

“You’re not Collective,” Magik stated, although the female’s cybernetic hand gave him pause.

“And neither are you,” Prackx replied simply. “I’ll assume you heard they were here too?”

The Arconan nodded. “Perhaps we should wait for a while and see if anyone else turns up?”

“Nah. I’m chalking this one down to faulty intel. You can stay if you like, but I’m going to follow up some other leads,” Granta declared.

“I’m going to have to report that I met you. Are you going to tell me your name?” Magik responded. Prackx simply shook her head.

“I’m going to have to insist,” the male snapped, drawing his lightsaber from its clip.

Underneath her jet black helmet, Granta Prackx grimaced. “I don’t take well to people who insist on things!” she roared, her own lightsaber almost flying into her hand. She charged at the younger Human, who had just enough time to lift his blade into a defensive position. The Juggernaut’s attack was powerful, causing Magik to stumble backwards in spite of his near perfect parry.

“Make sure you get all of this in that report!” Prackx taunted, swinging her weapon back, ready to hit the Arconan with everything she had.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 30 September, 2018 4:43 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Motivations


I like how the post gives both participants a reason for being at the venue, even if it is the same reason for them both. I would say that more explanation as to why Prackx was so triggered Magik insisted on something that she attacked him could improve the post as it feels like it comes because the post was coming to an end and the post needed to have something to do with combat in it.

Can Be Improved

Lack of Action


The post suffers from a lack of action, with there only being one incredibly brief and minor engagement in the entire post. I don’t want to be THAT Judge, but this is the Combat Center, and even in the first post you need to write more than that. I would suggest making sure you have more time to write the post so that you can include more action as well as assessing the character sheets of both characters so that you know what makes sense to write.

"Ahh, Ahch To," Magik stepped out of his Star Courier as he enjoyed traveling on Arconan missions. The air was thick as he took some deep breaths. The Ancient Islands were truly mysterious. The waves struck the back of the Islands as they came crashing in.

Warlord Grant Prackx had already landed as she stood waiting for something. Magik approached her carefully. They exchanged words as she did not take well to Magik's demands. Maybe expecting someone else she seemed surprised at the Dark Side Warriors appearance. As he unclipped the lightsaber from his belt, the Warlord immediately responded.

Granta Prackx retaliated as she charged at the Warrior with her lightsaber drawn. The attack was precisely deflected as he was prepared for her swiftness. Her Imperial Purge Trooper Armor his her figure well. As there meeting was unsuspected, nevertheless the were both here for a greater cause. Misinformation had led them both here to the Ancient Islands.

Warlord Granta Prackx continued to assault the Arconan with lightsaber attacks. One by one Magik deflected each swing of her lightsaber as he was well trained in his primary lightsaber form. Her left hand was a cybernetic replacement as she held her lightsaber in her right hand. Who knows how she lost her other hand, under the circumstances he was unsure. Although she did make good use of her new cybernetic hand.

As they fought each other, Magik led her to the top of the Island up the winding staircase of stone steps. He defended himself well as she followed in his direction. She was well prepared as her strikes were stronger and stronger with each swing of her lightsaber.

The top of the Island was a flat area overlooking the ocean and other Islands. Granta Prackx had followed him carefully to the top. Magik wanted to end the quarrel as soon as possible. Their meeting was unsuspected, but the outcome would provide insight to their meeting. Their intel had brought them here for the same reason.

Magik was unrelentless as he they made their way to the top of the Island. Deflecting her strikes and opening up her weaknesses. He knew she would be tired by this point as the made it to flat ground on the top of the Island.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 30 September, 2018 5:22 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Action


The post did a good job of making sure there was plenty of action involved, though it could do with being more descriptive, directions on where lightsaber strikes are aimed, how close they come to hitting, things of that nature. I feel like there is a solid foundation there and there’s enough word count left to make more out of what you’ve written.

Can Be Improved

Continuity


Part of a good post is reacting to what happened in the previous post and going on to make the story something you’ve given a significant contribution to. This post spends a lot of time recapping what has already happened, just from Magik’s POV. I would suggest thoroughly reading through your opponent’s post and even going back once you’ve finished ensuring you aren’t repeating anything that has already happened as that would damage your score in continuity.

Prackx was becoming very angry with her opponent. When she had seen his age she had been hoping for a quick and easy resolution, but Magik’s defence was far more stubborn than she had been expecting. The Arconan also seemed to be trying to move out of reach of the Juggernaut’s lightsaber, but Granta stayed as close as she could; she had Magik exactly where she wanted him.

Shadows grew longer and longer as the two suns started to disappear over the horizon, but neither Sith seemed interested in anything but the fight as day gave way to night. The cool evening air wasn’t enough to hide the fact that Magik was starting to feel fatigued.

She just keeps going! the Arconan thought to himself as he felt his arms starting to grow heavier.

Sensing her enemy’s discomfort, Prackx guided the Force through her body, allowing it to lighten her movements. She attacked the tiring Magik with a renewed vigour, her powerful blows now augmented with a dexterity that defied the Juggernaut’s size.

Desperation started to appear in Magik’s movements. He continued to steer his azure blade in an effort to defend against the determined Granta, but the change in speed, combined with Prackx’s seemingly unrelenting strength and sheer expertise with a lightsaber left him second guessing every single attack. The odds seemed firmly against the Arconan, but he wasn’t going to simply roll over and allow Prackx to win.

Magik took a couple of steps back, and as his opponent moved forward, he kicked out at Prackx’s rear leg, hoping to catch her off guard. The female stumbled briefly, allowing the Arcanist a few seconds to put some distance between the two of them. He only had a few moments to try something before Granta would close the gap again, but he’d already decided exactly what he was going to do.

Tapping the projectile launcher on his wrist several times, the younger Sith watched on as Prackx swatted the disks out the air with her lightsaber. The extended distraction gave him enough time to head back to the steps.

Granta spotted the fleeing Arconan and gave chase.

“You’re going nowhere!” she yelled.

Puffing and panting heavily, Magik ignored the female and started making his way downward. He could just about see his ship, but he could already hear Prackx’s boots stomping somewhere behind him.

“Oh. You want to go to your ship? Let me help you!” Granta taunted, extending her right arm outwards. Calling out to the Force once again, she nudged the Arcanist just enough to knock him off balance. Magik tumbled down the stone steps, landing in an uncoordinated heap at the bottom. His ship was only a short walk away, but as he climbed back to his feet, pain radiated from his left foot.

As the Arconan started to limp on what he hoped was only a sprained ankle, Prackx reached the bottom of the steps, still holding her lightsaber.

“No clever words for you. Just your death,” the Juggernaut hissed, putting herself between Magik and his ship. The male activated his own lightsaber again, but fatigue and pain hampered him as he tried his best to move into a defensive stance.

Granta attacked, throwing every ounce of her strength into an almighty slash. The Arcanist raised his blade ready to parry, but the sheer power of the strike knocked his lightsaber aside with apparent ease. Moments later, the crimson blade sliced through Magik’s chest, cutting through bone, tissue and organs as though they were hot butter. The younger Sith was dead even before he hit the ground.

As she headed back to Polarising Personality, Granta Prackx allowed herself a smirk, but one thing was troubling her.

Was this a Collective trap? Or is someone else behind all this? she wondered.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 30 September, 2018 12:04 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Combat Writing


The post does a good job with regards to how the conflict ends. It may be obvious given the disparity in rank between the two, but Magik is written struggling, though still trying to ensure he survives the encounter throughout. I like this because sometimes you’ll get an obvious winner, but care still needs to be taken to make sure that it’s somewhat of an entertaining post to read. Nobody likes reading one character being dominated and having no sign of any success on the horizon. I would suggest more use of the venue as it enhances the natural quality of the writing.

Can Be Improved

Ageism?


When she had seen his age she had been hoping for a quick and easy resolution, but Magik’s defence was far more stubborn than she had been expecting.

I’ve highlighted this extract because I found it confusing. Is Prackx hoping for a quick and easy resolution because he’s much younger than her? I couldn’t see anything that would suggest a disdain toward more youthful individuals. I feel like this could have been a strong point had it just been explained in a clear manner, perhaps even featured in the opening post so that the extract above would’ve been a nice callback.

The view was breathtaking as they made their way to the top of the Ancient Islands. Ahch-To was a magnificent sight to see. The Island was surrounded by Ocean on each side. The top of the Island was a flat terrain level as if dedicated to practice. The surface was soft Island dirt, which was easy to walk along. The platform had been leveled for some other purpose, perhaps this very battle. On either side of the platform were jagged cliffs looking straight down into the Ocean.

Climbing up steep steps was not Magik's idea of exercise. Magik had battled the towering woman to the top of Ahch-To. Each painstaking step was felt in her strikes. The gigantic female was taller than Magik, but her physical height indeed hindered her lightsaber attacks. She was just beating herself as Magik deflected and defended all of her strikes. She gracefully led him to the top as she attacked from a lower position. With nowhere to go but up, Magik calmly walked up the steps as she guided him in the right direction.

Granta Pracx continued to assault Magik as he regained his footing along the top surface of the Island. The Warlord was tireless as she made advances upon him with her lightsaber. The battle only continued as the were now on level ground.

"Is that the best you can do, Warlord."

Magik taunted her as he countered her strikes in Niman. She began to get frustrated as her strikes wear getting weaker. Magik could sense her weaknesses as the attacks were now coming at a slower rate. Granta was to tall for her own good. Magik could see the opportunities open up in her efforts, but it was not the right time.

Slowly Magik began advancing on her with accuracy as he was now on the offensive. Granta backpeddled several steps as she was getting weaker. Magik had enough of the games and wanted nothing more than to finish her now. He waited for her to open up again.

As she lunged forward at Magik, he Shadow stepped her attack and sliced the lightsaber out of her hands. Granta's lightsaber dropped several meters from where she was. As she came falling to her knees on the leveled ground. Magik stood in front of her pointing his blade in her face.

"This is over Granta Pracx!"

Magik was disgusted by her behavior. With nothing more to say he took several paces directly at her impaling her straight through with his lightsaber. She fell backwards on her knees as her tall body hit the ground. The blue bladed lightsaber pierced her Imperial Purge Trooper Armor instantly.

Magik took a deep breath as he looked around immersing his senses in the Island. The mission was complete, Warlord Granta Pracx was finished. There would be no reports.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 30 September, 2018 12:57 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Description


The post does a good job of describing things, though this is largely centred on the venue. In the future, I would like to see you focus more on the combat with the description, adding in pieces about the venue are fine, but it shouldn’t feel like the main focus of a post. While I don’t encourage getting overly technical, watching examples of lightsaber duels or other sword fights are good sources of inspiration for what you could write to enhance the combat over the area it takes place in.

Can Be Improved

Reading a Character Sheet


The post struggles with accurately portraying characters with regards to their character sheets. Of particular note are Prackx’s advantages in Endurance and lightsaber combat yet within the post she manages to lose out on both when Magik should be more tired and is already at a disadvantage. I would suggest that you practice ‘reading’ character sheets, seeing what the differences in each rank of something are and using that to help improve your writing. Also worth mentioning is content proofing, while most proofing tends to focus on syntax, asking someone to go through your posts to look for things like Realism errors could be a great boost to your writing, just remember they can only tell you why something needs to be changed, you have to change it yourself.