Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven vs. Savant Justinios Taldrya Drake

Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Scholae Palatinae
Female Human, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Savant Justinios Taldrya Drake

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Aleena, Force Disciple, Arcanist
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the Spring 2019 ACC Championship! This match was a real pleasure to read from start to finish and you both should be proud of the performance you put forward in this match.

Focusing on story, you both had a significant amount of well-paced and vividly depicted action in all your posts. As a reader I had a very clear picture of what was going on in every single moment of the fight as it unfolded, which is precisely what you as an author want. Curiously, you both left the reason for Justinios being on this planet as an open question by the end of the match. What was he researching? How did CNS summit know he was there? In future matches if you introduce a plot point, try to resolve it by the end. You shouldn’t leave your reader with glaring questions that could easily be answered, like why a character is at the venue in the first place. The endings both had clear victors, but Rasilvenaira’s stood out to me and was slightly more satisfying as a reader. While both you had balanced combat (successes and failures on the part of both characters) I would have liked to see more of your opponent’s character come through in each of your posts, which is a small point of polish you can apply to future matches.

Syntax-wise this match was overall a very clean reading experience with only a few stray errors on both sides. Rasilvenaira takes the advantage in syntax because she had noticeably fewer errors as well as stronger and more varied prose throughout both of her posts. Justinios had two minor realism errors and Ras had none which adds another dimension of score difference. The realism errors in this match were minor and didn’t grind the suspension of disbelief to a screeching halt. There were no continuity errors that I could see in this match. Again, great job and I look forward to seeing more from each of you in the ACC.

Rasilvenaira wins

Hall Spring 2019 ACC Championship
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven, Savant Justinios Taldrya Drake
Winner Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Rasilvenaira Isatri'Zara StormRaven's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Justinios Taldrya Drake's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Felucia: Rancor Graveyard
Last Post 22 March, 2019 5:04 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Rasilvenaira StormRaven Raiheaux
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Your posts were remarkably clean, flowed well and had varied language use throughout. Only two stray typos that I could detect. Rationale: A few stray typos and misspellings but nothing that detracted from an overall reading experience.
Story - 40%
Rasilvenaira StormRaven Raiheaux
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: While your plot premise of “my summit sent me to kill you” is a bit of a classic ACC trope you executed it well. The flashback in the opening post was especially well-done. You also used the environment in creative and engaging ways, making for a satisfying ending. What held you back from a 5 was needing some stronger emotional beats and more of Justinios as a character. Rationale: Dialogue and humor were your strong suits and made your posts a pleasure to read. Your combat depictions were also vividly described and engaging for the reader. What kept you from a 5 was not putting your own spin on the “why” of the fight. You used the story beats your opponent gave you to create some exciting action but I didn’t feel a strong twist from you as an author on the overall plot.
Realism - 25%
Rasilvenaira StormRaven Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No errors that I could see. Rationale: You had two minor realism errors, one in your first post and one in the ending. See my comments to both posts.
Continuity - 20%
Rasilvenaira StormRaven Raiheaux
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Rasilvenaira StormRaven's Score: 4.72 Raiheaux's Score: 4.2
Posts

Felucia Rancor Graveyard

Hidden in Felucia’s jungle lies a two hundred meter expanse marking the ancient burial site of this world’s deadliest creatures and the location of innumerable remnants of hundreds, if not thousands of rancors. A circular enclosure of sun-bleached bones are arranged in the center of the cemetery—no doubt the former dwelling of a powerful practitioner of the Force. Cobwebs cling to the fallen beasts, a testament to the primordial age of some of the creatures.

Somewhat obscured by surrounding cliffs and the luminescent jungle, the dusted bones and carcasses are cast in a faint shadow, leaving just enough light to see by. The atmosphere is thick and stifling, with a strong overtone of dust and bone suspended in the still air. The taint of the Dark Side's influence has polluted the landmark over time, giving form to a dreadful aura that has scared off scavengers hoping to sell off a rancor tusk or two. Unlike most of Felucia, the area is nearly devoid of life aside from ravenous predators dwelling within the hollowed-out husks of dead rancors.

Most sane people avoided places like this, but then again, Rasilvenaira StormRaven had never claimed to be entirely sane. As she made her way further into the rancor graveyard, the Sith smirked as the bones around her reminded her of a trip with a wookiee who wanted to use her as bait for a rancor hunt. She marveled at the sheer number and evident age of some of the remains. However, she reminded herself that she was not there for sightseeing. Dust and the scent of death and decay permeated the air but she hardly noticed. The assassin had long since grown numb to the scent of death, and whether it was new or old made even less difference.

Carefully weaving and sneaking between the hulking remnants of once terrifying predators, the Warlord presented a lithe, slender form. She became a darker shadow slipping through the almost perpetual gloom and shadow of the rancor graveyard. Rasilvenaira was dressed entirely in black with nothing to reflect light or catch the eye of an enemy unless they happened to spot the exposed skin of her face. The Sith had chosen to leave her cloak behind since it would be more of a hindrance in such a place.

StormRaven moved silently, her senses alert as her dark eyes searched for the one she’d been sent to eliminate. A mirthless grin tugged at the corner of her lips when she remembered her mission.

“I have a job for you,” her Quaestor had said.

She had started to refuse, to remind the younger Sith that she was retired now, or so she liked to tell people.

“It’s Taldryan’s Proconsul.”

Rasilvenaira’s extreme dislike for all things Taldryan was hardly a secret, and that knowledge had been used well. With those three words, the crafty young Quaestor of Imperium had succeeded in luring the typically reclusive Warlord back into action.

The Sith rolled her shoulders and dropped lower behind a large rib cage. Though she would never admit it to anyone, Rasilvenaira did enjoy the thrill of the hunt and had truly missed it. Maybe she would actually give up her self-proclaimed retirement after all.

Her right hand tightened on the leather wrapped grip of the dark double-bladed dagger, the Arashi-Kumori. Like Rasilvenaira’s clothes, her weapon offered no hint of reflection to betray her presence and it was also far more silent than the iconic weapon of the Sith that rested at her hip. She stalked forward, moving with a feline, predatory grace as she sought out her target.

A brief flash of light drew her attention and the Warlord altered her path to move toward it. As she got closer, Rasilvenaira was able to make out the diminutive form of the Aleena. Justinios was just putting away what looked like a datapad which would have accounted for the bit of light she’d seen. He bent down to continue working on something, but Rasilvenaira was unable to make out exactly what since there were some large bones blocking part of her view. She shrugged, it didn’t really matter to her what the Taldryanite was researching here.

Slowly, the assassin crept closer, carefully concealing her presence as she sought to get within range to make a quick strike. Suddenly, Rasilvenaira sprang into motion as she lunged forward, the wicked blade of the Arashi-Kumori aimed for the Aleena’s back.

At the last moment, the small Proconsul dove to one side, evading the strike and leaving the deadly blade to slice nothing but empty air. Surprised at not feeling her blade hit its mark, the Sith mentally cursed and adjusted her plans as she straightened up again.

Well damn, the intel did say the little bugger was quick, she thought to herself.

The sound of a saber igniting behind her caught the Warlord’s attention and she spun around to face Justinios. A cold grin appeared on her face as dark eyes studied her opponent. She switched the Arashi-Kumori to her left hand and drew her saber with her right. The molten silver blade snapped to life and Rasilvenaira’s obsidian hued eyes met the Proconsul’s gaze.

“Seems this might be fun after all, since you don’t want to stand still and make this easy. Fine with me.”

Rasilvenaira spun the saber with a graceful motion of her wrist before settling her grip on the hilt. She grinned as the Aleena started to move. Justinios leapt into motion, aiming an energetic strike at the Warlord’s head as he flipped in mid-air. StormRaven twisted and brought her own saber up to block, and as the Aleena landed, she slashed out with the poisoned blade of her Arashi-Kumori. The Taldryan Proconsul quickly sidestepped just narrowly evading the cruel blade’s bite.

He recovered and spun, dark blue saber taking a swipe at the Warlord’s legs. The attempt was met with a low chuckle as Rasilvenaira flipped backwards, and turned to keep her eyes on him. She was far too familiar with that strategy. After all, an opponent’s height became irrelevant if they were on the ground. It did amuse her that, for once, she was actually the taller one in a fight.

The Sith reached out to the ebbing pulse of the Dark Side that flowed through the graveyard around them and gestured with the hand still holding the double-bladed dagger. An invisible fist slammed into the small form of the Savant, knocking him into a pile of dry bones and debris.

Rasilvenaira’s eyes glittered with pure malice as she spun her saber again, the low thrumming hum seeming to echo the malicious nature of its wielder.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 3 April, 2019 1:46 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Not only was your use of descriptive language to paint the scene exceptional but the post as a whole was well-paced and balanced. Opening posts present a challenge of how to balance exposition (the why of the conflict) with scene setting and action. You managed to blend all those necessary elements near seamlessly and all within a word cap, no small feat. The flashback of Ras talking to her Quaestor was especially well done.


Can Be Improved

While I appreciate you kept the narrative focus on Rasilvenaira’s perspective and what she actually knew, I would have liked to see a little more of Justinios in this post. Something like a line of dialogue or a tidbit about why he was on the planet would have been sufficient. This is a very minor quibble.

Justinios felt the seething hatred pulsing from his unnamed opponent as he picked himself up and out of the pile of bones. This was the part he despised the most about the Dark Jedi Brotherhood, the constant fighting. He was certain that he had never met the nut job who had just attacked him but with such powerful emotion rolling off of her it was clear to Justinios that he had once again found himself caught in some sort of long standing clan based feud. He couldn’t be sure but when it came to the Brotherhood, that was always a solid guess.

It was then that Justinios also realized that while he could no longer feel the presence of his opponent in addition to having lost sight of her. He let out a loud sigh.

Great, another sneaky stabby one, he thought to himself.

With a bit of assistance from a certain magical energy field, Justinios leapt on top of a nearby rancor skull. Pleased that he had found himself a location in which his attacker wouldn’t be able to easily sneak up on him, the Proconsul decided it was time to try the age old trick of goading someone into an ill-advised attack.

“Show me on the doll where the big bad Taldryanite hurt you.”

Silence.

Then darkness.

Justinios easily resisted the natural urge to panic that most biological beings experienced when they lost their main sensory input. The Force would now take over where his eyes failed him. His back flip off of the rancor skull was followed the the distinctive thud of his attacker landing in the spot he had just vacated. He reach out with one of his tiny, reptilian hands and pictured the skeletal remains crushing under his might. The sound of bone creaking and cracking rang out but the cranium of the massive beast did not crumble.

The Aleena then took off as fast as his stubby legs would carry him. As he let the force guide him under, over and around the obstacles he eyes could not see, a crash rang out. Just as he had planned, his stealthy assaulter had attempted to launch herself after him. Although he lacked the power to sufficiently crush the rancor skull by himself, he had done enough damage to weaken it. When she applied a little extra downward force the human female was kind enough to completed the job on his behalf.

As the darkness lifted, Justinios’ eyes adjusted as light entered them once more. He turned around and carefully made his way back to the scene of the accident. The Taldryan Proconsul wanted to keep his beady little eyes on the target so she couldn’t slip away again. He also wanted to extend an offer.

“Listen I don’t know what crawled up your rectum and died but how about we both just go our separate ways and forget this ever happened?”

As the human’s silver blade snapped back to life, Justinios had his answer.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 3 April, 2019 1:46 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“Show me on the doll where the big bad Taldryanite hurt you.”

I loved the humor in this post! Justinios’ lines and internal thoughts made me laugh but never became overbearing or detracted from the action. You also used the venue in a significant way.


Can Be Improved

As he let the force guide him under, over and around the obstacles he eyes could not see, a crash rang out.

Justinios really doesn’t have any Force abilities or feats that would guide him through a use of blackness or the loss of vision. His precog/lighting reflexes/reflexive counter combination would allow him to avoid attacks, but not give him any advantage for moving around in darkness over a non Force user. This is a minor realism error.

Feeling the rancor skull under her feet start to crumble and give way as she began to move, the Warlord extinguished her saber and shifted her motion, leaping forward to drop into a controlled roll. She came back up in a low, ready crouch with her double-bladed dagger, the Arashi-Kumori in her left hand and positioned slightly forward. Her right hand gripping the hilt of her saber was held closer to her body as her dark eyes swept the area around her in search of the Aleena.

Rasilvenaira took note of the ruined skull and then glared at the Taldryanite when he spoke. The angry snap-hiss of her saber reigniting expressed her answer as she rose gracefully out of her crouched position.

“Rude. Typical.” Her tone was icy.

Justinios gave her an incredulous look. “Just how do you get off calling me rude? You attacked me!”

The Warlord slowly spun her saber with a fluid motion of her wrist even as she clipped her Arashi-Kumori back on her belt. Almost casually, she brushed a few bits of dirt from her clothes and then shrugged. “You ruined a perfectly good skull.”

The Savant reignited his own saber, its dark blue glow causing odd shadows to play across his face making his expression more difficult to read. However, the snide tone of his voice was clear enough. “Right, and trying to kill me isn’t rude?”

Rasilvenaira’s expression remained carefully neutral, despite the malicious glint in her obsidian eyes as she slowly circled toward Justinios’ right. “I don’t get paid to be nice.”

Justinios sprang into motion. His attacks were swift and energetic, putting his small size to effective use. Unfortunately for the Aleena, his opponent was just as agile. Rasilvenaira twisted and spun in a graceful, dangerous dance as her silver blade stayed in almost constant motion blocking and parrying to keep her opponent’s weapon at bay. The crackling hisses and hums seemed to echo through the rancor graveyard, causing some of the hungrier denizens to stir.

The Sith’s left hand unsheathed the Arashi-Kumori once more, the dark blade formed a stark contrast to the molten silver blade of her saber. She might not be as hot tempered as she once was, but the assassin’s patience was far from infinite and she was tired of playing ‘catch the gizka’ with her target. Rasilvenaira’s attacks became more aggressive and rapid as she sought to force an opening that would allow her to sink the poisoned blade into her opponent.

The nimble Aleena was not willing to make such a maneuver easy for the woman. After several minutes, the worst he’d received was a shallow slash from the Arashi-Kumori on his right shoulder that was barely deep enough to draw blood. Justinios finally gained an opening of his own when Rasilvenaira got just a bit too overconfident and exposed too much of one side.

Rasilvenaira realized the danger of her position and started to twist and pull back, but it wasn’t fast enough to let her dodge entirely. The blade of Justinios’ weapon sliced through the end of Rasilvenaira’s saber hilt, only just missing her fingers. She dropped the damaged weapon with an angry growl and gestured quickly with her now free hand. The Force slammed into the Aleena and knocked him over, his saber slipping from his grasp.

Using that moment of distraction, the Sith drew upon the darkness that lurked deep within her own soul and the area around the combatants was shrouded in blackness. She seemed to vanish into those impeneratable shadows as she concealed herself with the Force. Moving quickly, she reached out with her own senses to pinpoint the Taldryanite’s position even as the Aleena regained his feet. She struck out, the Arashi-Kumori’s leading blade sinking deep into the Proconsul’s side. It would not be a killing blow, but it was enough to let the poison into his bloodstream.

Retreating as quickly as she’d struck, the shadows withdrew and Rasilvenaira found another large skull nearby to perch on. Growls and roars of hunting beasts were drawing nearer as the graveyard’s predators were attracted by the noise of the fight and now they also had the scent of blood in the air to fuel their hunger.

The Savant pressed a hand to his wounded side, his eyes widening in fear as he too heard the approaching beasts. He turned and attempted to distance himself from both the assassin and the unseen threat of the creatures he was hearing. His footsteps faltered and his movements became heavier and more unsteady as the insidious poison began to take effect.

Rasilvenaira’s dark eyes searched the gloom and shadows of the graveyard around them, her perch giving her a better vantage point. Finally, she spotted what she had hoped for as one of the larger creatures emerged from the cover of a rancor rib cage. She focused her attention on the beast, seeking its consciousness. It paused briefly and shook its head as the Sith stirred its already aggressive nature, her will lightly nudging it in the right direction. With another rumbling growl, the creature appeared to lock on to its prey and charged toward the wounded Aleena. As one moved, the other beasts also followed suit, unwilling to let others find the prey first.

Justinios stumbled and rolled, scrambling to get up again as the predators closed in on him. His wide eyes caught the lean form of the assassin and for a brief second their gazes met. Rasilvenaira shrugged, a cruel smirk on her face. “It’s just business.”

Taldryan’s Proconsul was soon buried beneath a growling, ravenous pack of creatures. Rasilvenaira smiled, settling down on her perch to watch and wished that she had a bottle of rum. She had always liked animals more than other people, so it was nice to see them enjoying a snack.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 3 April, 2019 1:47 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Rasilvenaira smiled, settling down on her perch to watch and wished that she had a bottle of rum. She had always liked animals more than other people, so it was nice to see them enjoying a snack.

I found your ending immensely satisfying as a reader in the same way a creative FATALITY in the Mortal Kombat satisfies a player. In all seriousness it was a creative use of the beast control power. “Kill posts” can be tricky as they often come off as corny if not done right with either strong emotional beats or sheer creativity and you delivered on the latter.


Can Be Improved

It would not be a killing blowbut it was enough to let the poison into his bloodstream.

You had a few stray typos in this post like the example above. There should be a space between blow and but.

The Aleena drew the Force into himself, redirecting it to his limbs. With the extra power he increased his pace from a careful walk to a blue blur and closed the remaining gap between himself and his assailant almost instantly.

She was prepared and her weapon met Justinios’ deep blue blade as soon as he arrived. But there was only a short exchange of blows. The human female disengaged elegantly, sidestepping between the ribs of the nearby rancor skeleton. Justinios reached out with his hand and focused on every joint in her body. The human’s smooth strides ended abruptly and, unable to even catch her balance, she tumbled awkwardly to the Felucian dirt.

It didn’t take long for the assassin to recover and she used her momentum to pop back up into a combat ready stance as soon as motor function returned.

Become frustrated with the continued disruption, Justinios spat, “No more running, you wanted a fight so let’s get this over with.”

Justinios charged. Feigning the famous “between the legs” move again but at the last moment he adjusted and instead launched himself directly at the human’s face. With her silver-bladed lightsaber in position to defend her lower-half the only defensive option left was the oddly shaped double-bladed dagger in her other hand. The assassin was quick enough to use the smaller weapon to open a decent sized, but otherwise superficial, gash in Aleena’s torso but it wasn’t enough force to alter his trajectory.

Bleeding, Justinios landed spread eagle on her face. Feeling the danger of her dual weapons, he quickly scurried around the other side of her skull so that he was able to grab her ear with his right hand and use it like as a temporary handle as let the rest of his body go limp. As light was he was, the abruptness of the maneuver snapped the humans head violently to its right. Letting go of the assassin’s ear at that exact moment, Justinios returned to a fighting stance on the ground and quickly sliced at the human’s left leg just as she went to pivot on it.

The Proconsul felt her pain radiate out through the Force. To her credit she caught herself fairly well with her good leg and was able to again enter a fighting stance of her own.

Nobody in this organization knows when to quit. Justinios thought to himself.

To prove a point, he advanced to his left but then quickly shifted to his right. The assassin attempted to match the quick movements of the Aleena but the wound to her leg was clearly debilitating. Taking advantage of the situation, Justinios used his speed to feign a few assaults but never engaging until he could locate exactly what his eyes were searching for in the surrounding environment.

His eyes finally spotted that thing about 15 meters away and as he could feel his assailant’s frustration building he maneuvered her between himself and the perfectly sized sun-bleached remnant of a once might beast. Once she was in position, Justinios summoned the bone to his location. As intended, it never completed its journey. Instead, the human skull sized joint crashed into the assassin’s already injured left leg.

With her leg likely fractured she fell to the ground, catching herself with her hands. Satisfied that his assailant was sufficiently immobilized he called upon the rancor joint once more, raising it up over her head and then crashing down with all of the metaphysical might he could still muster.

After human remained still for a few moments, Justinios calmly walked over to her and unemotionally stabbed her at the base of the skull. He cleared his throat, deactivated his weapon and began looking for his medical supplies.

There was still research to complete.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 3 April, 2019 1:47 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Justinios reached out with his hand and focused on every joint in her body. The human’s smooth strides ended abruptly and, unable to even catch her balance, she tumbled awkwardly to the Felucian dirt.

This is an excellent depiction of the slow/stun combination. Generally your vivid descriptions of the combat was a highlight for this post.


Can Be Improved

The assassin was quick enough to use the smaller weapon to open a decent sized, but otherwise superficial, gash in Aleena’s torso but it wasn’t enough force to alter his trajectory.

You didn’t take the poison on Ras’ double-bladed dagger into account. If the weapon had cut Justinios enough to cause bleeding, like you depicted, then it would have had an effect on him even a localized one. This is a minor realism error.