Battlelord Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae vs. Raider TuQ'uan Varick

Battlelord Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Togruta, Sith, Shadow
vs.

Raider TuQ'uan Varick

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Plagueis
Male Kel Dor, Mercenary, Infiltrator
Comment

First off, let me thank you both for taking the time to see this match in the 2019 ACC Championship through to its conclusion. When I saw that this match was made, I was interested to see how you’d bring about a conflict between your characters. I wasn’t disappointed.

I’d like to start by thanking you both for managing to make a meaningful conflict centre around TuQ’s hat. Not only does it fit in with an aspect on TuQ’uan’s sheet but it’s just the right mix of comedy with serious enough elements that it’s not an absurd plot point. The trust issues complimented this, as had the hat thing been a bit too comical there was still a serviceable plot that could be followed by people who don’t quite understand the love TuQ’uan has for his hat. You both also featured the environment well in your respective posts, and this drew me into the venue.

TuQ, You did a good job of setting the tone for the match and your experience of writing NFU vs FU matches shows throughout your posts. You can make a believable conflict while also highlighting TuQ’uan’s shock at there being a conflict at all. I would perhaps suggest some additional time being allocated to proofreading. I picked up on things during my analysis of your posts that a good proofreader should catch. I’ve gone into detail in the post comments so I won’t harp on about them here. Overall, I found your work to be refreshing and for the most part technically sound.

Tahiri, it isn’t always for someone who is given the second post to easily maintain the narrative direction and add their own flavour to it, but this is something I think you did well with your posts. My biggest gripe that isn’t covered in the post comments relates to your ending. I realise that neither character would particularly want to kill the other one, but the conflict just kind of disappears. I’d have liked it more had there been a concession from one of the characters. Overall, I do think you’re one of the strongest ACCers Plagueis is blessed with.

Thanks again for finishing this match. It’s particularly bittersweet as I have to decide a winner and you can’t both go forward in the Championship despite both being strong writers. However, that’s the reality of competition and so a winner must be declared. On this occasion, the winner is TuQ'uan Varick.

Hall Spring 2019 ACC Championship
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlelord Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae , Raider TuQ'uan Varick
Winner Raider TuQ'uan Varick
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlelord Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae 's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Raider TuQ'uan Varick's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 24 March, 2019 10:49 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Dr. Giyana Jurro
Syntax - 15%
Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: There are things to be worked on but nothing that made it difficult to read. Rationale: I found some issues with commas in your posts but mostly technically sound writing. There wasn’t anything to affect readability.
Story - 40%
Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: You do a good job of nudging the story along while adding some of your own elements but there was nothing revolutionary to take you above a 4. Rationale: Good use of the environment and weaving it into the narrative bring you into the territory of a 4.
Realism - 25%
Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing I could find. Rationale: Tahiri comes down on TuQ but in the next line he’s avoided it, the sequence is a bit too dragged out.
Continuity - 20%
Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Tahiri explains herself to TuQ in your first post but your second post acts as if this hadn’t happened. Rationale: There was a little vagueness around Tahiri’s lightsaber being deactivated but upon review, it checks out.
Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae's Score: 4.25 TuQ’uan Varick di Plagia's Score: 4.47
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On a planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws: cracks formed through thousands of years of glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for decades, this place was once a common destination for Jedi Padawans seeking to build their first lightsabers. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

Soft footsteps echoed through the cavern as gentle light cast off from the kyber crystals in the walls lit the Kel Dor’s way deeper under the surface of Ilum. Every step he took drew him towards treasure, and more importantly, credits. TuQ’uan had taken leave to come looking for ancient artifacts and kyber crystals he could sell to the highest bidder.

A twitter of noise coming through his commlink broke the silence.

“Thanks for the heads up, keep the Krayt warm. We may need to leave in a hurry,” he replied continuing on further into the caves. As he moved on, TuQ’uan listened carefully for the unwanted company Peek had just warned him about.

His long walk downwards finally leveled out as the tunnel opened up into a large, cold chamber. TuQ’uan pulled his jacket tight against himself to help fight off the chill permeating through the open room.

Tap. Tap. Tap. The sound of footsteps was barely audible.

His tail had moved faster than he had expected. TuQ’uan quickly drew his blaster, pressed his back to the wall beside the cave he entered through, took a deep breath and waited.

A moment passed, then another. Finally a slight figure stepped into the cavern. The two spun to face each other, weapons drawn. TuQ’uan’s blaster pointed at the hooded figure, the figure’s crimson lightsaber held up in response. The light cast off from the lightsaber illuminated the Togrutan face just enough to make out its features.

“Tahiri? What the frak are you doing here?” The mercenary lowered his blaster as the Togruta hesitated for a moment before she responded in kind. The two of them relaxed their stance but the Aedile kept her hand hovering over the hilt of her lightsaber, ready to draw at a moments notice.

“I was sent to bring you back to Aliso early. Something big is happening but the Wrath won’t tell me what.”

“Ronovi sent you herself?”

Tahiri paused almost imperceptibly, but just long enough to set off alarm bells for the mercenary. As Quaestor and Aedile the two of them had spent a lot of time together and had grown to know each other’s habits and patterns quite well.

“She did.” Tahiri nodded.

TuQ’uan knew this was a lie. Ronovi had ways of contacting him directly if she needed to. What are you up to Tahiri? he thought to himself. Was she making a play for power? Did she truly hate him? Or was it something else entirely? No matter what was going on he needed to find a way out of it.

“Well then, lead the way.”

“Sir, you outrank me. I insist that you lead.”

Insist? She insists? Something is definitely off here. As not to raise suspicion the Quaestor led the way back towards the surface, his eyes darting around, senses tingling as he searched for any sign of an ambush. The pair kept up a slow and steady pace, TuQ’uan was using this time desperately try to figure out was going on and how he could get himself out of the situation. His hand hung at his side, ready to draw his DL-44 again at a moments notice.

The Plagueian pair emerged into a massive cavern, their path turned towards a solitary crystal bridge that arched over a ravine as the only means of continuing on to the other side. This had to be the spot, whether it was an ambush, assassination or escape it would happen here.

Once they reached the halfway point of the narrow bridge it was go time. The mercenary spun on his heels, opened fire on the ground between himself and Tahiri in an attempt at creating a fissure in the crystal. Taking a step back he kept up his assault on the crystal. Dust kicked up as he concentrated his fire on a single spot between the two Plagueians. He took one more step on the slick crystal and lost his footing on the slippery surface. With a thud TuQ’uan landed on his tailbone and slid backwards down the vaulted bridge towards the tunnel system on the other side.

“What the hell was that?” Tahiri let out a chuckle, mocking him from her spot on the bridge. Taking a single step she crossed the scorched line in the relatively untouched crystal and set off in pursuit of the Kel Dor.

“Well that didn’t kriffing work.” TuQ’uan mumbled to himself as his slide backwards came to an end.

Snap-hiss

Griped in Tahiri’s right hand was her reignited lightsaber. The small yet fierce Battlelord charged towards her quarry, the Force carried her forward faster than natural. The Togrutan lept gracefully into the air using her momentum to bring her down on her opponent. A glint in Tahiri’s left hand caught TuQ’uan’s attention as he rolled to the side narrowly avoiding the blade of Tahiri’s black vibrosword. He had been lucky, the mercenary hadn’t even seen her draw the weapon.

TuQ’uan pushed himself to his feet in and attempted to scramble away from his attacker. He took three large steps before he felt the cool breeze across the top of his head. The realization him struck him like tonne of duracrete.

“You forgot something,” Tahiri’s voice carried down the tunnel, a touch of amusement clearly audible.

Slowly turning around the Kel Dor knew exactly what he was going to see. Standing in the opening of the tunnel was his Aedile with a smirk on her face and a hat speared through the end of her vibrosword. TuQ’uan’s grew furious. Betrayal was one thing, but everyone in Plagueis knew that you don’t mess with the Quaestor’s hat. Exchanging his DL-44 for his Sith Sword, TuQ’uan strode forward.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 March, 2019 3:08 PM UTC

What Went Well

Use of the Venue


The Plagueian pair emerged into a massive cavern, their path turned towards a solitary crystal bridge that arched over a ravine as the only means of continuing on to the other side.

I’ve chosen to highlight this passage in particular as it provides a detailed explanation of the area TuQ and Tahiri are in and really brings the venue to life. This is one of the stronger elements of the post, and I would encourage the use of this style going forward. If I had to give some constructive criticism, I would suggest that the level of detail should be more equal, save for perhaps extremely pertinent plot points that would benefit from a higher or lower level of description depending on how much of a surprise it’s meant to be when it factors into the plot later on.

Another example is the somewhat slapstick incident where TuQ falls and slides down the bridge. It would’ve been easy to have it be a little comedy moment, but you made it relevant to the narrative by having Tahiri take advantage of it.

Food for Thought

Consistency


[Finally,] a slight figure stepped into the cavern.

I’ve chosen the above extract because it’s an error that comes up a few times throughout the post. Commas are a bit of a minefield. Keeping track of the rules and their exceptions can be tricky. To go about fixing this, I’d suggest reading things through aloud to catch things that a mental read through may not find. Another alternative would be to have additional proofing. This is by far the most prominent of the syntax issues in the post, but the advice given could help for most, if not all of them.

Tahiri watched the Kel Dor angrily stride towards her. He could have kept running, however it all simply came down to, and a weakness as far as most were concerned, the Togruta had TuQ’s precious hat, so he stayed.

Now that I have him in the emotional state I want. Step two: get him where I want him.

She wanted to limit the use of the Kel Dor’s use of his DL-44 pistol, especially around the kyber crystals, but Tahiri did want to see what the Quaestor could do.

A quick burst of speed from TuQ’uan brought him within striking distance of Tahiri. Making a quick jab and then an arcing swing downward towards her left hand, the Raider tried to make the petite Togruta drop his hat. She twisted and turned, and then leapt gracefully away from his strikes, taking TuQ’s hat with her. Following, the Raider tried to grab for his hat, only to have defend himself against the Togruta’s quick lightsaber retaliation.

Tahiri sprang back a few meters, just out of TuQ’s reach. With his hat still speared on her blade, Tahiri gently flourished, and expertly flipped the blacked out vibrosword into the air. As the Battlelord caught the blade, she cocked her head and playfully beckoned to the tall Kel Dor. Extinguishing her saber and clipping it back onto her belt, Tahiri proceeded to gently removed TuQ’s hat from her vibrosword and then fan herself as the Kel Dor edged closer.

“Well, well TuQ, looks like I have the upper hand here.” Flashing him a mischievous grin, “Or shall I say, the bigger hat?” The Battlelord watched, and felt, the anger rising within her Quaestor. Making him angry and seeing how he did under pressure against those who were either friend or foe, was the main plan. Although Tahiri wondered if she may have been taking it a bit too far stealing his hat.

*His dossier certainly didn’t give any hints as to other vices or weaknesses. But what I truly need to know is if I can trust him.”

“Why are you doing this Tahiri?” The mercenary asked hoarsely. He watched as the crimson skinned Togruta twirled her sword, and then try to place his hat on her head. It almost amused him, as to the ridiculous way the lithe woman looked with a wide brimmed hat sitting on only one montral. It was so lopsided, and the hats wide brim that normally barely hid his face, almost completely covered hers. Seeing his chance to possibly get his hat back, and maybe take the Togruta down a notch without too badly hurting her, TuQ’uan quickly sprang forward.

“Whoa there mister, what do you think you’re doing?” Tahiri taunted, without lifting the brim of the hat out of her face, as she instinctively dodged the strike aimed for her legs. Skipping backwards several steps, the Battlelord flashed another grin, then turned and took off back over the crystal bridge. “Catch me if you TuQ?”

The Kel Dor shook his head, and then ran after the little shadow. His thoughts raced, trying to figure out why the Togruta was doing this. Is this all just a game to her? Is Tahiri just playing with me, or does she have a bigger agenda? TuQ’uan only slightly hesitated, then quickly followed Tahiri back down into the crystal lined passageway. He slowed his pace, exchanging his Sith sword back to the DL-44 pistol, while carefully listening for Tahiri’s footsteps. The Togruta seemed to be taking it slow, and as he rounded a corner, TuQ glimpsed her lithe figure heading towards the big cavern.

“I’m still curious as to what prompted this unwarranted attack, Tahiri.” TuQ’uan said loudly, as he entered the cavern, warily looking around. Scanning the expansive room for his Aedile, the Kel Dor asked again, slightly irritated he didn’t get an answer the first time. “So why are you doing this?”

“Well, if you really want to know, TuQ’uan,” Tahiri’s voice seemed to echo through the cavern. “Did you really think that I wouldn’t test you at some point? I need to know certain… important things about you.”

“Like what? What could you possibly need to know from me?” The Kel Dor asked, slightly confused. TuQ started and took a quick shot, as if out of nowhere, Tahiri appeared just to his right a meters away leaning against a large crystal. Tahiri dodged the shot only barely, as the bolt hit the crystal right where her head had been a moment before.

“I need to know if I can trust you.” Tahiri replied solemnly, as she hopped up into a crouch with her ignited saber in hand. TuQ’uan did notice that his hat was no longer on her head or in her hands. “I only trust those who are able to stand against me, because I know that they will be strong enough to stand with me.”

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 March, 2019 3:09 PM UTC

What Went Well

Development of Plot Points


“Did you really think that I wouldn’t test you at some point? I need to know certain… important things about you.”

I’ve chosen to highlight this passage in particular as it provides an example of taking something that wasn’t particularly fleshed out from the previous post, in this case being Tahiri’s real motive, and developing it so that the story can move along. It is also improved throughout the post, with TuQ asking earlier on in the post and Tahiri refusing to answer. This lets the reader know that Tahiri will only reveal her motives when she wants to, further solidified by what I believe was supposed to be Tahiri’s thoughts revealing the reasoning to the reader before the character TuQ’uan knows, creating a sense of dramatic irony from that point onward.

Food for Thought

Syntax


He watched as the [crimson-skinned] Togruta [...]

So, the reason I chose to highlight the above extract is that it’s a fairly simple error, but it’s not necessarily one that can be solved by just reading it aloud, which I think can help with simple spelling mistakes or most punctuation related errors. For this example, you’d put a hyphen between crimson and skinned because they come before a noun, in this case, the proper noun Togruta, that they modify and act as a single idea(the idea being Tahiri’s skin is red). In this case, crimson-skinned is called a compound adjective. There are other rules for hyphens, which I would encourage you to research, but this is a helpful way of avoiding making this particular mistake again.

TuQ’uan stared back quizzically, trying to understand what the frak she was going on about. Was this just another trick or was she actually testing him as part of some grand scheme? Either way it didn’t seem like she would relent. Plus, he had a hat to avenge.

Letting out a volley of plasma from his blaster, TuQ’uan quickly backed up looking to keep his Aedile at a distance. Tahiri flipped to the side with ease, the quick attack was mere child’s play for her to dodge. The mercenary kept up his barrage with the DL-44 gripped tightly in his right hand, meanwhile his left hand moved towards his belt and unclipped a small black cylinder. The blaster fire narrowly missed its target as Tahiri moved in an arc around her quarry.

As the shadow moved around the room she swung her vibrosword wide releasing it from her grip and using the Force to guide it full speed towards TuQ’uan. As the sword flew towards him, the mercenary lobbed his sonic grenade onto the floor ahead of Tahiri.

A stab of pain shot through the Kel Dor’s leg as the jet black vibrosword left a gash where the blade had bit into his flesh, the entire length of the blade left its mark as it passed by its target and clattered to the ground. Before TuQ’uan could really register the pain in his leg a sonic boom erupted from the grenade laying on the ground. The shockwave of noise sent both Quaestor and Aedile to their knees as the ringing in their ears made it difficult to even think.

As TuQ’uan struggled back to his feet he pushed through the pain in his leg and shook his head in an attempt to clear it. His eyes darted around looking for the Togruta only to see her charging straight at him, a blood red vibrosword had taken the place of the black one. The mercenary raised his blaster but his aim was shaky and Tahiri launched herself up and over the Kel Dor and his wild blaster fire, she landed behind TuQ’uan with a little less than her usual grace.

Before TuQ’uan could spin around fully to meet her gaze, Tahiri lifted her foot from the ground and landed an aggressive blow to the vibrosword wound on his leg causing him to crumple to ground and drop his blaster a short distance from where he fell. The mercenary pulled a knife from its hiding place in his jacket and rolled over to face his attacker. Tahiri approached her Quaestor as he tried to stand, knife held tightly in one had. Flashing blue light filled the room as TuQ’uan’s body coursed with electricity coming from the tips of the Aedile’s fingers. TuQ’uan let out a scream of pain as he fell to the ground one final time, as the electricity subsided he lay there panting, barely able to move.

Tahiri stood over the downed Kel Dor, one foot on either side of his body. The blade of her red vibrosword sat a mere millimetre from jugular.

“I expected more from you,” the disappointment in his defeat was evident in her voice. The Togruta let out a deep sigh as she sheathed her blade and began her trek back towards the surface.

hiss

The smell of ozone filled Tahiri’s nostrils and a slight burning sensation arose from her montral as a red streak flashed past her and hit the crystal wall ahead of her. The corners of her crimson lips lifted into a smirk.

TuQ’uan laid on the ground bloody and beaten, despite this he had found the strength to crawl over to his blaster and fire off a single shot.

This hadn’t been a failure for Tahiri after all.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 March, 2019 3:10 PM UTC

What Went Well

Combat Writing


Before TuQ’uan could spin around fully to meet her gaze, Tahiri lifted her foot from the ground and landed an aggressive blow to the vibrosword wound on his leg causing him to crumple to [the ground] and drop his blaster a short distance from where he fell.[...]

I’ve chosen to highlight this passage in particular as it provides a detailed explanation of the fight TuQ and Tahiri are engaged in without using overly technical terms. This is one of the stronger elements of the post, and I would like to see more of this from posts in the future. I would suggest perhaps weaving the venue into the combat to add just another level of detail to the combat.

Food for Thought

Spelling/Phrasing


Tahiri approached her Quaestor as he tried to stand, knife held tightly in one [hand].[...]

I’ve chosen the above extract because it’s an error that comes up a few times throughout the post. Accidentally missing letters from words is something we all do. To go about fixing this, I’d suggest reading things through aloud to catch things that a mental read through may not pick up on. Another alternative would be to have additional proofing. This is by far the most prominent of the syntax issues in the post, so it’s something I’d suggest looking at when next writing.

TuQ’uan looked at his Aedile in confusion. It didn’t make any sense to him, why would someone attack a person they already know, just to see if they could be trusted.

“What are you talking about Tahiri?” The Kel Dor stood his ground, however he suppressed the impulse to just shoot and wound Tahiri right then and there, so as to get an answer out her. He had seen the Togruta fight once when she had been only slightly wounded, and it had not been pretty for the guy who had hurt her.

Tahiri silently stared at the Quaestor with his pistol pointed at her, with piercing sulfuric yellow eyes. It felt like the Battlelord’s eyes were slowly assessing every inch of his body. TuQ hadn’t known the Togruta for very long, as a clan member or an Aedile. But he knew of her connection with the Dark side of the Force, especially upon hearing the stories about her Master, a Sith Epicanthix who went by Wrathus.

Tahiri always seemed so pleasant, and well, happy to be around. I don’t get any of this. Those eyes though, they have never looked right for her. I wonder what they were before that fracking Dark side Force magic, corrupted them. I bet they were really pretty. TuQ’uan thought to himself awaiting the Togruta’s next move.

Tahiri took a deep breath, watching for how TuQ would react. She didn’t like doing this sort of test on any clansman, but she had had to do it in within the battleteam her Master was leader of in Tarentum. It was a true test to see if there were any weak links in the chain. Normally it would involve a couple days of relentless and rigorous scouting small tests leading up to the final confrontation. Tahiri decided that with the circumstances of her new Plagueian clanmates, and everything from the slave rehabilitation, to the Collective interference, she could afford to do it in a quicker and more intense fashion.

She wanted to tell her Quaestor what was going on, however the Togruta knew that if she did, it would defeat the purpose of the test. The fact it was the first time she was doing this on a full-on superior, as a summit member, was one huge difference. The Battlelord had given the test mostly to those who were the same rank, slightly higher, or slightly lower, than she was at the time.

“I understand if you don’t entirely trust me. A lot of people don’t trust me, due to my profession.” TuQ’uan attempted to reason with Tahiri, the desperation and frustration evident in his voice. “But you can trust me Tahiri, as I thought I could trust you. You’re my Aedile!! I wouldn’t have agreed with the rest of the summit, if I thought I couldn’t trust you, Tahiri. So, why are you doing this? And why did you take my hat?”

Reaching deep for the Force, she finally replied to TuQ’uans’ question. Although it was hard for her to answer, without explaining the full situation to him. She sighed, before raising her hand.

“I can’t fully explain until I’m satisfied with what I get from you, TuQ. I’m sorry, but that’s a code I can’t break just yet. Now prepare yourself.” With a quick flick of her left wrist, Tahiri sent a pair of her throwing daggers towards TuQ’s legs.

TuQ’uan reacted quickly, he was lucky to have seen the glimmer of the blades before. He ran to his left for the cover of a giant crystal, firing his DL-44 pistol along the way, aiming for Tahiri’s abdominal area and legs.

The Battlelord ignited her crimson blade, sweeping it back and forth as she leapt, twisted, and whirled out of the line of fire. She evaded and redirected most of the plasma bolts harmlessly to the ground, avoiding any unwanted explosions from the surrounding crystals. Only one bolt had made it through her defense and hit her left thigh. When she landed several feet away, Tahiri almost fell to the ground, the pain shooting like lightning through the left side of her body.

“Well, well, TuQ. You are quite a good shot, to get past my blade and acrobatics.” Tahiri chuckled between sharply clenched teeth. She steeled herself, drawing upon the Force to heal the damage, or at least make the pain subside.

“Tahiri, please don’t do this. I don’t want to hurt you.” The Kel Dor cried out one last desperate plea for a truce. He truly didn’t want to hurt her, but would only if she made him do it, and even then he would regret it.

“We should be fighting our enemies, like the Collective, then each other. So please, Tahiri, don’t make me do this? And would you please give me my hat back!” For several moments there was silence, TuQ peeked cautiously around the edge of the crystal he was using for cover. The sight of Tahiri sitting with her back to a large crystal, just a few feet away, her saber hilt on the ground. Tahiri had her eyes closed. Concern ran through the Raider, as he wondered if he had somehow killed the young Togruta.

“TuQ’uan, you’ve won the test. I can feel the sincereness in you. I believe you, and you may come out now.” The calmness of her response surprised the Kel Dor, as he came out to check on her.

The Togruta opened her eyes, and smiled up at TuQ. Then with a wave of her hand, Tahiri brought the Raider’s hat from its perch atop a huge crystal from her right. With a plop, the Battlelord set it on the mercenaries bare head.

“You are both strange and… Interesting, Tahiri.” TuQ’uan stated, as he holstered his pistol and sat down next to the Togruta. The coolness of the hard crystal against his back, actually felt really good, especially after the fight. The gentle ambience of the crystal caves light was beautiful.

Dr. Giyana Jurro, 27 March, 2019 3:11 PM UTC

What Went Well

Inner Thoughts


Tahiri always seemed so pleasant, and well, happy to be around. I don’t get any of this. Those eyes though, they have never looked right for her. I wonder what they were before that fracking Dark side Force magic, corrupted them. I bet they were really pretty. [...]

I’ve chosen to highlight this passage in particular as it provides an insight has to how TuQ, sees how Sith change in certain situations as well as hinting at how close TuQ and Tahiri have become due to their professional relationship. This is something I would like to see more of from posts in the future. I would suggest perhaps drawing more on what characters would know and featuring that knowledge in further posts.

Food for Thought

Tracking Details


Reaching deep for the Force, she finally replied to TuQ’uans’ question.[...]

I’ve chosen the above extract because it’s an error that didn’t need to be made. In your first post, Tahiri states why she’s doing what she’s doing, so finally replying to TuQ’uan’s questions doesn’t make sense. I would suggest keeping track of such things as part of the preparation process before a post is written, that way not only can past events be used to enhance the story but the continuity can remain consistent.