Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj vs. Adept Atra Ventus

Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj

Equite, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Adept Atra Ventus

Elder, Unaffiliated
Male Umbaran, Force Disciple, Juggernaut
Comment

Thank you for your patience, gentlemen, as travel and illness have delayed this judgment.

This match presented us with the level of excellence we hoped to see in a tournament semi-final, which is hardly surprising given the sheer amount of experience you two bring to the table. Your posts here were consistently strong throughout, to the point that it was difficult to single out individual passages for praise; from Atra’s first words through both your endings, the narrative was gripping from top to bottom.

Ultimately, this match was decided by a mere handful of items, but suffice it to say this was great work from both of you and I’m delighted that I got to read it. However, there can be only one winner, and today Atra Ventus is the winner.

Congratulations, Atra, and thank you both for your participation in the tournament.

Archensksov
Combat Master

Marick Tyris
Voice

Hall Spring 2019 ACC Championship
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj, Adept Atra Ventus
Winner Adept Atra Ventus
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Adept Atra Ventus's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nancora: Factory "Empusa"
Last Post 29 May, 2019 10:18 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Headmistress Alethia Archenksova
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Darth Renatus
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Few and minor errors. Rationale: I have only one nit to pick here.
Story - 40%
Deleted Darth Renatus
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Very strong combat writing, good characterization, and clever use of the environment. Rationale: Very strong combat writing, good characterization, and clever use of the environment. The isolated nature of the conflict and unclear stakes are what held you back here.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Darth Renatus
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: See the comments on your final post. Rationale: No errors.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Darth Renatus
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors. Rationale: No errors.
Deleted's Score: 4.4 Darth Renatus's Score: 4.52
Posts

factory_empusa

While not nearly as large as the twin cities on Nancora, the trio of factories that accompany them make a case to be called cities all their own. Empusa is the first of these industrial complexes, and the most notable. It's modular design lends itself to fabrication blocks entirely dedicated to specific needs. One section may be focused on the mass-production of firearms and other weapons, while another is producing vehicle after vehicle.

The largest of these fabrication blocks is also the most vulnerable, a cavernous bay resembling a dreadnought's hangar system with an opening leading directly to the land outside Empusa. It is here that fabricators line the floor, producing ground assault vehicles along a series of conveyors. Supplies and materials are stacked along the walls, ready for delivery to the waiting automated arms.

This section is overseen by a series of control rooms and interconnected catwalks that form a spider web suspended above the fabricators. Security is tight, each unit closed off to the others and ID locks at their entrances. Shield generators are built into the gaping maw of the fabricator bay, preventing the elements from entering the complex while allowing a staging area for the completed units.

Servos whined as cybernetic arms went about their work, rising and falling with a mechanical precision that organics could never hope to replicate. It would be an expected sound, were it not for the state of the factory all around the manufacturing lines. Shrapnel from battles long past littered the floors and left conveyors devoid of any functionality. But still, the arms went about their routines. What remained continued on undisturbed...save for echoing footsteps falling like drums.

Andrelious Mimosa-Inahj swallowed hard and took in a long breath of air, his ample weight doing him no favours as he exerted himself. Blood had already begun to stain just above his eyelid where his skin was marbling from a recent blow. Despite this, there was no hint of fear in the man's eyes. He wasn't running to escape anything, it seemed, but rather with a purpose.

The Taldryanite broke away from one of the side corridors and out into the factory proper. He took a moment to breathe and memories began to slither into his thoughts, wraithlike images hovering just at the surface of a much deeper well. With them came a fiery pang of intense anger as Andrelious dwelled on those responsible.

The Collective.

An entire group of zealous fools intent on wiping the Dark Brotherhood and—Andrelious suspected—all Force Users from existence. The aged Mimosa-Inahj counted not just himself amongst the faction's targets, but his wife too...and, more importantly, his children. It was the search for unearthed weaknesses to exploit which had brought him back to Nancora, home to one of the penultimate confrontations between the combined clans and the Collective itself.

Suddenly, a dark shape dropped from the platform just above him. The weight of it was pronounced by the dull, echoing impact as what Andrelious knew to be a man landed in a low crouch with the splayed strands of a segmented cloak all around him. Andrelious had hoped to buy a bit more time to gather himself before his attacker caught up.

That hope, it seemed, had been misplaced.

The newcomer stood and flicked his hand to the side in the same movement. Andrelious felt the threat hissed through the Force, but could do little more than brace himself as the invisible push knocked him from his feet. The Taldryanite groaned as his teeth vibrated from impact, but he managed to roll with it and find his footing.

"So," Andrelious spat as he reached for the silver-hilted lightsaber clipped to his belt, "the Grand Master's servant is just another assassin?"

Though Mimosa-Inahj's choice of wording annoyed the Praetor, Atra Ventus showed no sign of anger. His face remained as impassive as ever. He did, however, tilt his head to the side ever so slightly. "Is that what you think?" Atra inquired.

"Doesn't matter," Andrelious continued. "All I know is I can't die here...Kooki would kill me if I did."

The Taldryanite didn't wait a moment longer. His ruby blade snapped to life with the sound itself a battle cry. At the same time, Andrelious tapped into the rage burning within him and his fear...fear that he wouldn't be able to protect his children from the pain of the galaxy—the pain of losing a father. He directed all of it at the Umbaran across from him. His emotions transformed and burst from his fingertips to angrily lance towards Atra.

The Praetor reacted in kind.

Ventus' left arm snapped up, his sparking cerulean blade coming to his defence to ground the crackling lightning within its shielding. His body pivoted at the same time, keeping the blade away from himself as Andrelious continued to sustain the stream, though the strength of it waned with each passing heartbeat. Finally, it stopped, dissipating along Atra's weapon before the blade disengaged. Then the Praetor pivoted back, as if rebounding, and threw out his right hand. Again the air was charged with violent energy as lightning clawed towards Andrelious. It was all the man could do to defend himself in the same way Atra had. Unlike then, however, the Taldryanite could feel no fluctuations in the strength of the energy continuously pulsing towards him, the strain threatening to turn even more of his hair grey.

Then it stopped...and Andrelious knew that the display was only meant to make a point.

Still, the former Imperial stood tall—if anyone could get away with calling it 'tall'—and was already thinking on how best to deal with the threat. For the briefest of moments he lamented that he was once more forced to fight on foot, as opposed to in the comfort of a cockpit.

Atra silently appraised Andrelious before offering a faint nod. "Good. Let's test the strength of your convictions."

Andrelious tried to seize the initiative. He reached to the left, his grasp within the Force finding a fallen manufacturing arm with its arc welder still sparking. His brow furrowed as it first struggled to move and then broke free, launching towards the Praetor. Atra had to drop into a spin, coming just under the projectile and feeling a twinge as sparks seared his cheek in passing. As he dodged, he launched a his own projectile. His lightsaber left his hand already spinning, hissing as it extended to half-length.

The deadly plasma cut a singed line through the zeyd cloth of Andrelious' cloak, the fabric trailing behind him as he closed the distance while dodging. He heard the blade spinning back around to return to Atra's outstretched hand but he was determined to press the attack. Andrelious brought his blade down hard in a cleaving strike, only for Atra to sidestep and bring a second lightsaber to hand. The unstable crimson met Andrelious' own from above and forced the saber tips to drive hard into the durasteel floor, leaving a glowing trail as the Taldryanite bounced back and away before the first saber returned.

It was a violent exchange, but in all it had been fleeting.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 11 June, 2019 11:12 PM UTC

What We Liked

This is what you’d hope to see from a former CM: excellent combat detail and highly polished language. The pacing was also very well handled. I thought you did an exception job writing your opponent’s character, which is always good to see.

I also like this quip:

"All I know is I can't die here...Kooki would kill me if I did."

What Needs Work

There was one minor Syntax error here, which I am obligated to point out that Wally caught:

As he dodged, he launched a his own projectile.

We both had mixed feelings about the in medias res introduction. It did give you a strong narrative intro, which we liked, but it’s kind of a dick move to set your opponent’s character up at a disadvantage before the match even starts. In this case, Andrelious doesn’t appear to actually be disadvantaged, but it’s something to keep in mind in your future work.

Andrelious hadn’t been expecting to encounter any other members of the Brotherhood on Nancora, let alone one who worked so closely with the Grand Master. He didn’t know Atra all that well, but he suspected that he’d be hard pressed to get the Umbran’s own reasons for being around the Collective’s former factories.

“You lack ambition, Ventus. You are powerful, but you seem content to work for the Grand Master,” Andrelious commented.

“That arrangement is consensual. I wonder if yours is,” Atra responded dryly, his gaze focused on his fellow Sith’s wedding band.

Andrelious felt his cheeks burning. “What exactly have you heard?” he demanded.

The Umbaran stood still and silent, as though he’d already said everything that he needed to say. His eyes studied every square inch of his opponent, probing for ways to cut Andrelious down.

“Very well. If you’d prefer for your weapons to do the talking, that suits me just fine,” the Taldryanite hissed, moving into a position that Atra immediately identified as the trademark of a Djem So practitioner.

“You will not prevail here, Andrelious,” the former Combat Master warned.

“We shall see about that!” Andrelious roared, charging for the Umbaran.

Atra managed to hide his satisfaction as his opponent’s predictability. He could sense that the Archanis Quaestor was very much a slave to his emotions, emotions that demanded that the diminutive Human despatch the latest apparent threat to his existence. What he hadn’t quite expected was just how accurate Andrelious was turning out to be with his lightsaber. He knew the man to be an ex-Imperial Navy pilot, and the idea of a ‘fighter jockey’ wielding a lightsaber so effectively was not one the Umbaran had given much thought to.

Ventus was never one to cede the initiative. He waited for Andrelious to go on the offensive, blocking the Sith’s initial attack with the blade in his off-hand. As the Sith moved back and settled into his stance, Atra released his grip on the weapon in his main hand, guiding the Force to take control.

“You’ll need more than that fancy trick,” Andrelious scoffed, but he was already turning away, looking for a way to flee before the Umbaran could overwhelm his single lightsaber with attacks from multiple angles.

Atra appeared a vision of calmness as he attempted to fight his way past the Taldryanite’s determined defence, steering the floating blade with the same elegance as if it were still in his hand. Mimosa-Inahj parried the attacks, quickly getting used to the unusual nature of the fight, but was unable to get anywhere near the Praetor for any kind of counter-attack. Instead, he slowly backed away, attempting to put some daylight between himself and the former Combat Master. As he stepped back, the Sith’s foot found a loose piece of debris, causing him to lose his footing.

The slight loss of balance was exactly the kind of opening that Ventus had been waiting for. In a flash, he manoeuvered his ‘remote’ lightsaber towards the stumbling Sith. Andrelious, still regaining his balance, nevertheless managed to raise his blade in time to defend himself. The two lightsabers locked together in a flash of sparks, the ex-Imperial gritting his teeth as he started to push the interlocking blades away from his body.

Atra waited for a few more moments before charging towards Andrelious, recalling his lightsaber as he ran. With the opposing blade removed, the Sith’s momentum carried him forward, straight into the path of the onrushing Umbaran. He had only a split second to react, but the Force was already screaming a warning. Mimosa-Inahj dove awkwardly to the ground, avoiding his opponent’s attack, but Atra was already turning on his heels even as he started to overshoot.

The Praetor was ready to attack again before Andrelious could climb properly back to his feet, but again the Force came to the Human’s rescue as it guided him to place his lightsaber perfectly to block a blindingly fast attack from Ventus.

The Sith’s ability with a lightsaber had forced the ex-Combat Master to re-think his own strategy, and he was even nearly caught out as Andrelious performed a feint of his own; only stepping back at the last moment saved Atra from losing a leg.

“You are never taking them from me. Or me from them,” Mimosa-Inahj stated, his breaths starting to get heavier and longer as the intensity of the bout started to take its toll. Atra too was flagging, but the Juggernaut was determined not to show it.

Time to put this little irritation down!

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 11 June, 2019 11:13 PM UTC

What We liked

This was some excellent combat writing all around, though Wally highlighted the paragraph beginning “Atra waited…” for particular praise. I thought you used your opponent’s combat aspects well, specifically Astral Twilight.

What Needs Work

There were two typos that we caught, and yes, this is kind of high caliber match where we have to keep count:

he suspected that he’d be hard pressed to get the Umb[a]ran’s own reasons

Atra managed to hide his satisfaction a[t] his opponent’s predictability.

As Atra looked at Andrelious, he just about allowed a sneer to cross his face. Instead, his right eyebrow raised and he let a long breath pass between his barely parted lips, even as he fought to keep his chest from heaving. "Idealistic words. You've yet to prove yourself capable," the Praetor remarked.

While both men were fading in terms of their physical prowess, Atra's mind was as sharp as ever. He could still bring the power of the Force to bear. Though, the same could be said of his opponent's connection. Andrelious' protective instinct for his family was formidable, driving him onward even in the face of mounting opposition.

The near success of his prior feint instilled him with confidence, making for a potent mix when combined with his desperation. Andrelious' lightsaber swept through the space between them, forcing Atra into a backpedal. The momentum of it carried into the follow-up as the older man rolled his wrist to bring the deadly plasma back towards his target. Atra contorted in response, weaving around the blade-tip and using his own lightsaber to push Andrelious' away. The Taldryanite let his guard open without contest. He twisted his whole body into a thrust with his off-hand, lightning erupting from his fingertips.

Atra barely managed to respond, leaning back so far to avoid it that he lost his own footing. But the Praetor didn't let the embarrassment of the slip linger. The Umbaran turned the fall into a roll to put some distance between himself and Andrelious before offering his own response. He continued backwards while pivoting, throwing both sabers out as his arms whipped around. Atra's fingers clenched, grasping the wispy strands of the Force that extended his control even as that connection grew ever fainter. The weapons carved through the air in sweeping cleaves, bouncing off Andrelious' guard one after the other.

"You'll never—" he hissed through grit teeth as his defenses were tested, "—hurt them!"

The repetition was almost a mantra, as if it was all Andrelious had left to focus on.

Atra couldn't help but smirk while disengaging his returned sabers. "You won't be around to find out."

Andrelious' emotions threatened to shatter his resolve as his vision blurred, the sudden surge of adrenaline making it difficult to focus. Despite his exhaustion, the Taldryanite channeled the power of the Force once more into a searing spear of lightning. Atra's lightsaber barely ignited in time, catching the stream just before it struck. The power of it had not diminished since the battle began, but its effects on its user had compounded exponentially.

Atra planted his feet, refusing to be pushed back even an inch. At the same time, Andrelious dropped onto one knee, his breaths coming in ragged gasps as fatigue threatened to claim him. The Umbaran was near exhausted himself, but was confident that he had outlasted his opponent. Atra relaxed his guard and took a step forward only to have that confidence shown for the illusion that it was. The Taldryanite pushed forward hard with both hands. The desperate attack wasn't yet more lightning, but instead a telekinetic push.

The Praetor was caught off-guard, well and truly, and lacked the strength to respond in time despite having the warning within the Force. He saw the debris coming, overlayed within his vision like a ghostly illusion. He could only watch as it played out like some sort of trainwreck—entranced by the inevitability of it.

Then it hit him.

Atra cried out and fell to the ground, hoping the crack he had felt wasn't his ribs. Had it not been an almost final act of desperation, Andrelious would have already been upon the Praetor. Even in his addled state he could imagine the pleasure in watching Atra die slowly. It was the least he could do.

Andrelious was the first to regain his footing. He began closing the distance slowly. Each step was a forced stagger as the world spun and threatened to upend itself. But Andrelious continued even as his silver-handled lightsaber fell to the ground with an echoing clatter. It took some effort, but he managed to replace it with the black hilt still clipped to his belt.

In those moments, Andrelious felt a sense of calm in what he was about to accomplish. Still, something worked in the back of his mind. There was an uneasiness he couldn't shake but it was so distant. Like something he couldn't quite bring into focus.

"There's nothing...to prove..." the Taldryanite managed between gasps. "You will...never—"

Andrelious couldn't finish his mantra.

The unease had been a warning. He felt the searing pain of an arc welder bite into his left foot. As he let out a pained cry, he looked down and saw the same manufacturing arm he had brought against Atra turned against him. Andrelious could only fall, his leg unable to support his weight.

The Praetor let his fingers drop from where they had been hidden beneath him, slowly rolling onto his feet with a pained grimace. His left hand still held his side as pangs shot through him, but Atra rose nonetheless. He gazed down at Andrelious with a look of disappointment. "Unfortunate," Atra fought to say, his words hoarse and forced. "You're too volatile." Then his brow furrowed in concentration and he raised his hand, drawing his fingers into a tight grasp. It was everything Atra had left.

Andrelious could feel the tightening around his throat even as he clawed at his own flesh. But, there was nothing there for him to fight. He only managed to draw flesh and blood beneath his nails as his windpipe was crushed by an unseen vice. The pain wasn't even the worst of it. No, it was the memories. The faces of his children...of Kookimarissia. His jaw worked to form the words of an apology. Not for Atra, but for his family. For his failure.

And then it ceased to matter. Only nothingness remained.

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 11 June, 2019 11:13 PM UTC

What We Liked

Everything except the below. Beautifully written combat, strong characterization, polished Syntax.

What Needs Work

Given the way your first post started, I was happy enough to just roll with the action and not question why Atra was running through a derelict factory hunting Taldryanites. But I did expect someone to establish the context and stakes of the fight sooner or later, and unfortunately that only happened in your opponent’s ending. This is why held you back from a 5 in Story: at the end of the match, I don’t know what any of it was about, or if Andrelious’ concerns for his family’s safety have any basis.

The two men glared at each other, Andrelious’ eyes as bright a yellow as Atra had ever seen in a Sith. The Umbaran, however, did his best to remain calm, even though his opponent had proven to be an incredibly frustrating target.

Atra raced towards the Taldryanite, supplementing his already natural agility with an extra boost from the Force. Andrelious elected to stay exactly where he was; he hoped to rattle Atra into delving deep into his own darkness, disrupting the balance that the Grand Master’s Praetor craved so much.

As Ventus approached, he stared hard at Andrelious, his arms moving forwards. The Sith readied his lightsaber, waiting for the inevitable collision of blades, but instead found himself knocked violently backwards, as though he’d just stood in the path of a charging reek. Caught out by the suddenness of the Force push, Mimosa-Inahj had no chance of countering.

The Archanis Quaestor crashed hard into a nearby wall, the impact knocking the air from his lungs. Andrelious was visibly shaken by the attack, but he spotted the Umbaran was already charging for him again.

Atra blazed in, deciding he wanted to finish the conflict quickly. Extending the fingers of his right hand, he summoned another wave of lightning. Andrelious, spotting the carcass of an old maintenance droid nearby, flicked his right arm across, scooping it up and desperately hurling the lifeless automaton towards his foe.

Ventus lightning collided with the thrown droid, its power easily overwhelming whatever circuits were left inside. The carcass exploded, spitting small pieces of debris everywhere. Atra moved to instinctively cover his eyes, slowing his supercharged sprint to avoid injury.

The distraction was enough to allow Andrelious to climb carefully to his feet, but he was still catching his breath from having slammed so hard into the wall. He stayed rooted to the spot, as if daring Atra to resume his approach. As the Umbaran started to speed up again, Andrelious, hurled more objects into his path, forcing Ventus to dodge, cut the flying debris down with his lightsabers, or alter their trajectory. Each use of the Force, subtle though it was, drained the Sith a little more, but the thought of what Atra might do to his family kept him going.

Ventus, too, was beginning to feel the effects of fatigue. It was starting to take him longer to build back up to full steam between each distraction, and, even whilst he could still easily feel the Force all around him, his ability to communicate with it seemed a little more strained.

“Come and get me then, Ventus!” Andrelious taunted as he flung another broken construction arm straight towards the Juggernaut, who cleaved straight through it with one of his lightsabers.

Close enough! Atra thought, gazing willfully at Andrelious. He delved as deep into darkness as he dared, projecting a bubble around himself. A bubble that stripped the Force from anyone unfortunate enough to be caught inside. A bubble that easily enveloped Andrelious.

The Archanis Quaestor suddenly felt himself cut off from the dark side. The presence that had been there for his entire adult life, driving him on, was gone, and for a few moments, Andrelious J. Mimosa-Inahj felt like a powerless young boy.

“I’ve had enough of your little tantrum. It’s time out for you,” Atra taunted as his opponent desperately flapped his arms about, desperately hoping to regain his lost powers.

“Cantor wanted me to test you. To see if you were good enough to ever be an Elder. I have to say that I am bitterly disappointed,” the Umbaran continued.

“You’ll have to be more specific. I know several Cantors,” Andrelious snapped, trying to retain some composure.

“I’m sure there’s plenty where you’re going,” Atra replied icily.

The former Combat Master swung forwards with his two lightsabers, the move enough to cause him to drop his chokehold on Andrelious’ Force connection. The Sith, feeling his powers coming roaring back like a Kamoinoan tidal wave, ducked at the last moment and quickly zapped Atra with a tiny wave of his own lightning.

Ventus snarled with pain, but was quickly on the offensive again, his two lightsabers whirling around so fast that Andrelious thought the Umbaran would take off. He blocked slash after slash, but the Juggernaut’s attacks were so much faster and stronger than anything he could attempt.

Moving both of his blades downwards and to the left, Atra waited for Andrelious to block, before rapidly moving his right arm in the opposite direction. He was expecting to cleave straight through his enemy’s chest, but Mimosa-Inahj dropped to his knees, causing a rare stumble as the Umbaran overextended himself. The unorthodox nature of the move gave Andrelious a split-second to recover from the onslaught, which he used to shuffle away as Atra regained his balance.

“ENOUGH!” Ventus roared, again forming a sphere of Force blindness. This time, however, Andrelious was ready. He moved forwards, swinging his lightsaber even as he lost the ability to steer it properly. His attack was a little clumsy, but it reached its intended target, slicing through Atra’s spinal cord a couple of inches below his neck.

The Archanis Quaestor smiled as he watched the Umbaran’s body realise it could no longer communicate with his brain and fall awkwardly to the ground. “Now it is you who are powerless, Ventus. We shall see if Lord Cantor will be bitterly disappointed,” Andrelious taunted, turning to walk away.

Not quite powerless! Atra thought to himself, his connection to the Force undamaged. His eyes even glinted a little yellow as he guided his two lightsabers towards the departing Mimosa-Inahj like a pair of proton torpedoes. Andrelious turned in time to witness each blade cutting straight through his torso, but could do nothing as the weapons shredded his insides.

Atra smiled for what would likely be the last time.

At least you die first...

Headmistress Alethia Archenksova, 11 June, 2019 11:14 PM UTC

What We Liked

Both of us got a chuckle out of this line:

“You’ll have to be more specific. I know several Cantors,” Andrelious snapped, trying to retain some composure. Although I hope “Mav sent me to kill you” doesn’t become the next ACC cliche, I appreciated the move to establish some reasoning behind the conflict.

In general, this was another strong ending post, with more top-notch combat writing and strong mechanics.

What Needs Work

However, there were two items here that stretched our suspension of disbelief too much. This first is this:

The former Combat Master swung forwards with his two lightsabers, the move enough to cause him to drop his chokehold on Andrelious’ Force connection.

Given the CS Guide description of Suppression at +5 (“A Master of Suppression can effortlessly reduce their target’s connection to the Force at will, with minimal concentration required.”), we don’t think stepping forward and swinging his weapons really justified Atra dropping the power altogether.

Likewise, Atra’s ability to power through his fatal wound to kill Andrelious was a bit over the top. He’s got a beam of plasma halfway through his neck.