Warden Raiju Kang vs. Reaver Jo Bru

Warden Raiju Kang

Equite, Clan Vizsla
Male Nautolan, Jedi, Marauder, Mandalorian
vs.

Reaver Jo Bru

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Human, Mercenary, Ace
Comment

The story was easily my favourite part of this battle. Both participants went out of their way to tie the battle into their characters’ personal backgrounds. The combatants also had a good grasp of how to keep combat writing exciting and well-paced. Unfortunately, both sides had numerous small errors in Syntax and Realism that built up over the course of the battle.

Suggestions

Have your posts proofed before submitting them, double-check the mechanical details of your posts, and remember that “rule of cool” only goes so far where realism is concerned.

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warden Raiju Kang, Reaver Jo Bru
Winner Warden Raiju Kang
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warden Raiju Kang's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Reaver Jo Bru's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Arx: Combat Training Center
Last Post 25 October, 2019 2:33 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama
Syntax - 15%
Warden Lontra Boglach Deleted
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Both writers had a series of smaller errors that added up to distracting a reader from the story. Rationale: Both writers had a series of smaller errors that added up to distracting a reader from the story, but Jo’s prose was a little easier to follow overall.
Story - 40%
Warden Lontra Boglach Deleted
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: The depth of the story in this battle was a pleasant surprise, and clearly showed both characters’ motivations. Raiju’s tie-ins to both his own character and his Clan in both entries got him the advantage in this category. Rationale: The depth of the story in this battle was a pleasant surprise, and clearly showed both characters’ motivations.
Realism - 25%
Warden Lontra Boglach Deleted
Score: 3 Score: 3
Rationale: See comments in individual posts. Rationale: See comments in individual posts.
Continuity - 20%
Warden Lontra Boglach Deleted
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No noticeable errors. Rationale: No noticeable errors.
Warden Lontra Boglach's Score: 4.0 Deleted's Score: 3.87
Posts

Combat Training Center

Two towering, tinted, transparisteel doors slide open to grant you access to the central chamber of the Combat Training Halls. The main room is wide and open and as large as as a holoball field. Tall walls stretch towards a domed ceiling that is made up of rows of ambient lights that spread out and fill the room with soft even lighting that eliminates any shades or shadows. Those same walls are lined around the perimeter with racks and stacks of varied weaponry: everything from swords and polearms to rifles and flamethrowers.

There are two signs that hover over each weapon rack to create an alternating motif in the Combat Training Hall: “No Explosions” and “Accorded Neutral Territory”. While the first is fairly obvious, the second speaks to the single law of the Training Halls: all members of the Brotherhood are welcome, and no member is to be killed or maimed without incurring the wrath of the Grand Master and the Inquisitorius.

Combat Training Center

A trio of training dummies are statically set up and spread out in a line, each made out of a blend of alloys and padding that can withstand blows from any standard weaponry with the exception of lightsaber blades. To the side of the dummies, a large sparring mat has been stretched out to create a larger footprint than the typical shockboxing ring. The padding is good for helping teach new combat students how to take a fall without injury and offers firm footing, but the hard rubber mat is hardly forgiving.

Behind the sparring area is a door that leads to a small archives that combat students can use to view holorecordings of fights and duels from the past as well as relevant information on combat tactics, techniques, and forms. On the opposite side of the archives at the far end of central room is the locker room that members can safely store their equipment.

The final and probably most important element of the Combat Training Hall is the onsite Med Ward. The maglock door is sealed off and can only be opened by an attending Medic. The Medical facilities feature state of the art bacta tanks for recovery and aftercare. A combination of observation and waiting room rests adjacent to the recovery center and features two large monitors that display a live feed of the central room.

The Combat Halls are staffed around the clock, allowing combat students and mentors alike to come and go as they please at odd or regular hours. It also available for members looking to prove their worth to compete in the Antei Combat Center.

[Venue Note: Weapons incorporated into your match are allowed to be used, even if not listed on your Loadout for the match itself. Skill usage and all other ACC rules and guidelines still applies.]

It was just another day in the Arx Combat Center for the Mandalorian, Jo Bru. Keeping his skills as polished as his Armor and his mind as sharp as his blades was a fulltime job and like every job he had ever accepted, it was not to be taken lightly. Unless of course you count that time on Concord Dawn where he had a brief stint cleaning up after the gladiatorial carnage of the Arena in Vol Doom. Nonetheless, it was of vast importance to the young man. After all, losing your leg to the belly of a hungry Rancor would be enough stress to instill a sense of 'Get Good' in anyone seeking fortune through brute force, especially if you were as young and green as he was.

'Raw talent,' were the words which filled the room, followed by a slow clap. 'Its been a long time since I've seen someone go from a position of surrender, perform a one'eighty while drawing not one pistol, but two… and proceed to do this..' finished the Nautolan spectator as he slipped an index finger into the smoking forehead holes of two 'dead' training dummies. 'My my,'

The handsome young stud flashed a sneer as he rolled each pistol into its assigned holster.

'I didn't realize I had a fan,' Jo huffed, catching his breath. 'A Jedi at that' he smiled as he shifted his steely gaze from a dangling Lightsaber hilt to an emotionless black pool and something a bit more robotic. 'Names Jo Bru,'

'Yes, I know who are. You've got my attention. Yet I'm not impressed.'

'No?' Jo snapped back, 'Who the hell do you think you ar..' The Human froze and his body appeared to stiffen as the Nautolan raised but a finger.

'Who am I?' The Nautolan chuckled before an intense focus replaced his nonchalant demeanor. 'I'm your reckoning.'

A neck once taught with struggle became relaxed as Jo began to calm his mind. He had been in this position before. Jedi and even the Sith relied too much on the Force and often became dependent and in some ways arrogant. They always seemed to underestimate the little man who learned to survive without it at their beckoning. They were all the same.

Jo growled as he fought the embrace, leaned into it, and with one finger was able to instinctively activate his jetpack. Flames kicked out of the adorned engine and like a bullet, launched him towards the Nautolan who flashed a palm and thrust himself into a lateral slide with the same Force he used to lockdown the trainee.

'Interesting,' The Nautolan smiled as he heard Jo crunch into the wall, he was unable to change his trajectory on such short notice but was able to brace himself fast enough to curb serious injury. Rattled but safe, for now, the young Mandalorian rolled onto his side and with rage unleashed a barrage of slugs as he smoothly transitioned into an offensive posture with reflexes faster than a Sith's lightning.

Raju growled as he rolled out of the line of fire and equipped his Lightsaber with an even flow and basked the floor beneath him in amber light. His blade caught one slug by pure happenstance and it was a fool's folly to try to block the others as he once again thrust his hand forward, this time to smash the back of Jo's head against the wall.

Flashes of light triggered within the Mandalorian's mind but before his arms could go fully limp he was shaking away the metaphorical stars and fired off another series of shots. That is until his head once again made contact with the unforgiving surface. From the look of things.. Jo and this wall were becoming good friends.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 10:04 PM UTC

What Went Well

I like what you did with the story in this post. Using Jo and Raiju’s shared Mandalorian background gave a solidly believable reason for the fight to happen, especially when you include Jo’s Aspects about both trying to restore his Clan’s honour through combat and his unwillingness to back down from a challenge. I also like that you didn’t dally too long before getting into the combat, and that when the action started, the pace was quick enough to keep the reader interested.

Room for Growth

There were syntax errors scattered throughout the post that made hard to read in places (mainly run-on sentences and punctuation issues in dialogue), and there were a few realism hiccups. The way you described Raiju completely locking down Jo’s motion reminded me of Kylo doing the same thing to Rey in TFA, which would fall under Slow (specifically, the Stasis Feat). Raiju’s +1 in Slow combined with the lack of that Feat doesn’t really justify him being able to freeze Jo that effectively. Second, the jetpack collision is in a weird middle ground. Jo’s Pilot (S) skill is high enough that I don’t think he would’ve actually hit the wall, but if he did, he’d probably have been hurt worse than just being “rattled”. Third, you mentioned that “it was a fool’s folly” for Raiju to try to deflect Jo’s shots, but you never really explained why. Under normal circumstances, Raiju’s skills are high enough that he wouldn’t have much trouble blocking shots, and Jo’s skilled enough with a slugthrower that he isn’t likely to miss.

Suggestions

Having someone proofread your posts before submitting them is not only allowed, but encouraged. A good proofreader would’ve caught most or all of the syntax errors in this post. On the realism side, make sure to double-check that the opponent’s skills can justify what you’re writing them doing, and don’t be afraid to add more details about exactly how an action plays out. The reasoning might be obvious to you as a writer, but it isn’t always as clear to the reader, so it never hurts to spell things out.

A long drawn out sigh puffed out from the lips of the Nautolan as he watched the helmet of the young Mandalorian slapped back against the wall again. As the sound of hard plastic making contact with the durasteel echoed across the large chamber, Raiju felt himself hold back from another exchange. Disappointment flooded the creature’s emotions.

So much had changed for the Warden in the past year. To start with, Raiju had to come to terms with the Jedi Order for its strict & outdated view of the galaxy. Even though he chose a new purpose for himself in life, he still refused to align with any other path despite picking up the Mandalorian traditions as he made his way in the newly former Clan Vizsla. It was these dual commitments the Nautolan now had that made situations like this more complicated than they needed to be.

The Jedi in Raiju wanted to stop the match here, leave this explosive personality on the floor where he lie and keep a sense of balance. However, it was the Mandalorian tradition that asked for more - Vizsla needed to replenish itself after the recent war.

Calm skies don’t make skilled pilots… Raiju reminded himself as he tightened the grasp on his hilt.

A groan from the downed man shook Raiju back to his senses. To his credit, Jo didn’t plead for mercy or an end to the fight. Rather, the man slowly raised his slugthrowers to take aim at the Nautolan once again.

Leaping forward to close the distance between the two, Raiju’s orange blade whipped forward and plugged towards Jo’s torso for an early victory. Yet, the Reaver was quick to sag to his left; throwing himself out of the way of the attack and leaving the lightsaber to stab deep into the wall beside him.

Immediately, as the Nautolan now stood over top of the man, Jo’s feet lashed out. A heavy swipe from the Reaver connected with the ankle of the Warden and brought the creature to a knee. This left Raiju’s chest within striking distance of Jo’s other foot, which slammed heavily into the Nautolan’s armour - forcing him to his back.

While Raiju’s instinct would’ve been to roll with the fall and gain some distance back, his senses screamed to hold his ground and pull his knee up to protect his stomach. Sure enough, following the guidance of the same senses that got him through eight great wars, Raiju felt the full weight of the Reaver fall on his knee as the young Mandalorian lashed out with a ceramic blade that just narrowly missed the Warden’s throat.

Continuing to hold the Reaver back with his knee, Raiju brought his hands together onto his lightsaber hilt and smashed its butt into the wrist of the flailing wrist of the young man. The delicate blade pinged off the steel floor behind the scoffling pair and slid far from reach, leaving the young man to reach for his belt and Raiju wide-eyed at the turn of events.

Drilling the butt of his lightsaber hilt again at the young man, Raiju connected with the Reaver’s helmet and that seemed to dazed the man for a moment; giving the Nautolan enough time to turn his body under the weight of the Reaver and slip out from under him. Rolling away from the man, Raiju found himself free and with enough space to stand over more but when he found himself upon his own two feet again - he noticed a device settling in between his two feet that buzzed upon its activation.

“Oh f-” Was all the Nautolan could get out before the device detonated. Immediately, the air around the Nautolan felt extremely cold and the creature’s armour felt wet. The urge to fight against the attack was strong, but flex as he may - Raiju couldn’t move and felt glued in place.

Sure enough, as the Warden looked from his toes to his shoulders, an extremely sticky, blue substance covered the Nautolan and held him is stasis in front of a laughing Jo Bru.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 10:05 PM UTC

What Went Well

I like how you gave us a window into the conflict between Jedi and Mandalorian principles and how it influenced Raiju’s actions. The pacing of the combat was good, and it was entertaining to read. The attention to detail you showed in using the fragility of Jo’s hidden blades was a nice touch, as was the adhesive grenade.

Room for Growth

Syntax issues made this post a little hard to follow sometimes. On the Realism end, I found it a little hard to believe that Jo could go from having his head slammed into a wall twice to being able to react quickly enough to dodge Raiju’s attack, especially with his armour slowing him down and no Force powers to give him advance warning. Lastly, Jo has a Combat Aspect saying he prefers to use his jetpack and slugthrowers, so it seemed a little strange that he would choose to press a melee attack against Raiju instead of retreating.

Suggestions

Proofreading would’ve caught some of the syntax errors. I’d also suggest sticking with two or three different ways to refer to each character; variety is good, but too much variety is confusing. Personally, I usually go with a name and one or two distinguishing traits. In this fight, it might be something like “Raiju/the Nautolan/the former Jedi” vs. “Jo/the Human/the Mandalorian” (in the “the guy without a lightsaber” sense; I know they’re technically both Mandalorians). Realism-wise, take that attention to detail you applied to Jo’s loadout and direct some of it towards his Aspects.

Confidence added to the lingering sting of adhesion. Jo collected himself, shook away the fog of battle; the haze of conflict and calmed the adrenaline which thumped through his chest.

'You're not bad. You know that?' Said Jo as he pushed himself to a full stand and allowed his hands to slide from his knees to his waist. 'Thought you had me there.' He continued, prematurely celebrating his victory.

'This is far from over.' Raiju spat back, his tone filled with struggle.

'Then let's finish it, shall we?' Jo smiled before charging forward. Within an instant, Raiju's blade sprang to life, sliced through the material at his feet and an unseen energy seemingly filled his legs, amplifying them in a sense as he sprang forward and ascended into a flip. He flashed his blade as Jo passed below and a thunk caused the Reaver to stop and turn as his shoulders were suddenly relieved of a cumbersome weight.

'My pack!' He shouted as he instinctively and with a little luck, dove under Raiju's follow-up which was a twisting slice aimed for the neck. The wily Mandalorian landed hard atop his pack and as the warrior of Viszla redirected his weapon but exposed his chest, Jo ignited his jetpack for the second time this encounter.

Raiju inhaled sharply as he realized what was happening. It was too late to evade as the loose pack kicked up from the floor and brutally collided with his chest-plate sending him flying back into a slide. Blasters, Staves and Blades rattled to the floor as he crashed into the rack behind him.

Raiju stirred and with an outstretched hand called to his Lightsaber hilt which was left laying on the floor. As it rattled and took flight, Jo squeezed a shot off that rendered the Hilt scrap as it clambered in the opposite direction of its owner.

Raiju growled and aggressively pushed himself up but stopped mid way and clutched his chest making the damage evident. Jo snarled and trained his sight on the Jedi as he stood to his feet and stalked forward. The Nautolan wheezed heavily, his gaze fixed on the Mandalorian affiliated with Clan Taldryan. He flashed his hand again in an attempt to push away his attacker. However, the Force which sensitives held so dear had failed him. Jo activated his grav boots and allowed the Force to wash over him like the torrent of energy that it was and became immovable in that moment.

'Pathetic' Jo thought to himself as he squeezed off another round. The small slug bored a hole through the Nautolan's webbed hand and caused him to roar as the predator closed the gap. Two more cracks of sound followed suit, filling the room as the lethal set hit metal and meat.

Raiju slumped back and a crimson tide began to pool beneath him. His liver and lungs were ripped apart. His world was closing in around him. The veteran of eight great wars had become fodder for a fresh face. It was clear as he gasped for air that he never thought he would go out in such a way. At the hands of someone training in his own back yard, to a Force Sensitive killer, green yet filled with scary potential.

Bru stopped as he reached the feet of the Warden. It was a terrible sight to behold. The Nautolan's light was fading, yet even in his last moment, he reached for the weapons which surrounded him. Delirious and frantic.

'Death welcomes you home.' Jo grinned with his perfect teeth and drilled the last slug in his chamber through head-tresses and skull. As the weathered Raiju finally found his peace, Jo took his remaining hidden blade and notched his gauntlet. 'And so it begins,'

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 10:03 PM UTC

What Went Well

Overall, I liked how the combat was written—it was exciting, the pacing was smooth, and the descriptions were detailed enough to be more “show” than “tell”. I also liked the story elements you brought in with the glimpses of Raiju’s reactions and Jo’s motivations, and the way you were faithful to your character’s Aspects by using the jetpack as a weapon in its own right.

Room for Growth

As in your first post, there were some syntax issues that a proofreader would’ve caught. Realism-wise, the two big concerns I have both stem from the jetpack projectile. First, Raiju has the Precognition power. I could understand saying he wouldn’t have had enough warning to completely dodge the jetpack, but he would still have gotten some warning. Second, you wrote Jo landing on top of the pack, then setting it off without moving. How did he not either Superman into Raiju or get his legs melted off by the jetpack’s backblast?

Suggestions

Again, proofreaders are good. Double-check your opponent’s CS to see which powers they do and don’t have. Precognition tends to catch people off-guard because it’s a passive power. Lastly, this is another case where going into more detail is good. I’m sure Jo understands jetpacks well enough to avoid getting roasted by his, but we can only judge what’s actually written, not what would have been reasonable to write.

The young Mandalorian’s cackling laugh brought a warmth to the Nautolan’s cheeks before a sense of panic took over his senses. Reeling back and forth, flexing his bisects, and grunting in a futile attempt to at least wobble in his place, Raiju cursed his luck and foolishness.

“Ah ha ah!” Jo finally finished his laughter with a wag of his right index finger pointed towards the Warden’s nose. “You’re not going anywhere.”

The speech of the man slowed with the wagging his finger and he finished it through clenched teeth. Producing another blade, though this one looked heavy and made a metal, Jo began to pace around the Nautolan - careful not to touch the blue substance himself as he pause to squeeze the Warden from behind. A chuckle accompanied the whisper in Raiju’s ear and the cold steel being lightly dragged over the skin of his collarbone.

“Oh, yes. I think you could use a dose of this.”

“I’d be careful if I were you.” Raiju was quick to warn, cause the Reaver to lift his blade from the Nautolan’s rubbery skin and dance around to stand in front of him. “There’s only so much that can be tolerated in here, and poison would go directly against the creed.”

“Ha! We’re far passed that now, Jedi.”

“No, we’re not actually.” Raiju was quick to retort, hoping to keep the man talking while his hands started to lose their restraints. Continuing, he nodded back to the original targets of the Reaver. “I feigned being unimpressed before because I wanted to see you in action, I’ve been given the go ahead to bring in more uninitiated to Vizsla but need to make sure they can pass the hunt required.”

“Pst” Jo was quick to dismiss the Nautolan with a wave of the hand, but he kept himself turned towards the training dummy with his back to the Warden.

“I’m not blowing smoke, Jo.” Raiju felt the words come from his mouth, but his consciousness was focused on locating the ceramic blade forgotten on the floor. “I know you can’t go back to your clan, but honor isn’t a question for us. The only thing that matters is the credits you bring in.”

Once again, the Reaver waved a hand over his shoulder, but he failed to turn around. Instead, he stood his helmeted head, as if trying to toss the thought from his mind through physical force, and when he finally felt ready to talk he merely peeked over his shoulder this time. Again leaving his back turned to the Nautolan and the ceramic blade that now lifted from the floor.

Before the man’s words could leave his throat, Raiju flexed what of his right hand that he could and the blade shot like an arrow towards the Reaver. One might’ve expected it to dive deep into the human’s neck, side, or calf; instead the Nautolan drew his focus to the fuel pack attached to the man’s jetpack and watched as the blade pierced it’s plating and washed the chamber with a gut wrenching howl.

What had once been a bright, clean, sanity room, had immediately been replaced with an environment of chaos. First, the lighting came down as the jetpack sent a thousand tiny pieces shrapnel raining out in every direction and clipping the cieling mounths. As it all came to a crash on the ground, the emergency lighting took a more to kick on - leaving the room drenched in darkness with the sole flashing light of the medical bay sign providing what little illumination it could. Yet, next to come was the deafening wail of the emergency sirens - but it was not like Raiju could hear them in his current state as his ears still rung from the initial explosion.

At first, while the adhesive substance had kept the Nautolan from suffering fatal damage it also kept Raiju standing as he wobbled and strained to make sense of the room around him. Yet, over time the substance dissolved and with a heavy clunk to the ground, Raiju came to rest face first on the cold metallic flooring the laid in between he and what remained of the Mandolorian’s body. Yet, Raiju couldn’t even take the sight in because he was long gone to a faded black well before he settled onto the ground.

It was days before the Nautolan would ever regained consciousness. Through the haze of medicine and the grogginess of his physical state, he couldn’t take in much of what surrounded him. However, he did note that when he draw himself up in his bedding, an unfamiliar stun-cuff was firmly fastened onto his right wrist and the bars of his gurney.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 4 November, 2019 10:02 PM UTC

What Went Well

The character interaction between Raiju and Jo stayed strong in this post. I liked how you built up a sense of desperation through Raiju’s “Let’s Make a Deal” Aspect. Using Jo’s broken Hidden Blade to puncture his jetpack was both cool and poetic, given the circumstances.

Room for Growth

The syntax issues persisted, and realism/continuity fell off sharply compared to your first post. First, neither Jo nor Raiju is carrying poison in their loadouts, and you don’t mention Jo retrieving the poison or the knife he uses to apply it at any point during the match, which makes it seem like it appeared out of thin air. Second, the Possessions entry for adhesive grenades clearly states that the adhesive “completely dissipates” after fifteen seconds—around the time Raiju tried to warn Jo that killing him wouldn’t be tolerated. There’s no way it would’ve lasted long enough to force Raiju to use the remains of Jo’s hidden blade as a projectile or protect him from the blast when Jo’s jetpack exploded. Normally I’d hand-wave that as relatively minor, but the fact that your entire post rests on it makes it harder to dismiss. Third, I find it a little hard to believe that Jo would stubbornly keep his back to Raiju long enough for Raiju to carry out his plan, and nothing in your post explains why that happened.

Suggestions

As before, proofreading is good.