Ahsik coughed up another mouthful of blood. The dark and sneering figure before him toyed with his lightsabers, flicking them on and off, while the outline of his hands seemed to fade along with them.
Ahsik split his electrostaff once more and attached the ends to each of his hips, he then grunted before he spoke.
“Well.... uugh. I... uh.. appreciate the praise, although misguided, and definitely pretentious coming out of those jagged teeth.” Ahsik managed to say as he stood, with one hand extended to his opponent. “If I recall correctly, you have made many mistakes yourself.’” Ahsik said with a smirk. The zabrak spread his feet, and rolled his shoulders, using his free right hand, he ran it through the Afro of hair and freed it from the coils that caught his horns.
Quejo had then changed his stance, triggered by some stimulus. “Put that hand down boy, I’ve more powers in the dark side than you’ve seen in your nightmares.” Quejo spat.
Ahsik soon lost his smirk, “you let him die didn’t you?” He said, walking up to the Sith. Quejo’s eyes light up at the words, feeling the anger from the unspoken taunt.
However, as Ahsik was walking to Quejo, he lowered his hands. Then, the pressure on Quejo’s mind lifted, along with the eerie feeling and bile that sat in his throat were alleviated as well. Ahsik spread his hands, raising one over his head and the other under his chin.
Ahsik stopped walking and passed his hands over his face, like an actor changing expressions.
“Why did you let me die Father? You always said you’d protect me” The voice and living image of a Pau’an child, unknown to Ahsik before that day, covered his as he spoke to Quejo.
Quejo had been struck, for a moment, with both a sadness like a void, and a hatred that burned greater than a white star.
“You... you insolent child. YOU DARE? YOU DARE TO SEEK THE FACE OF MY CHILD IN ME AND USE IT AGAINST ME?!??” Quejo screamed with tears in his eyes and lunges with both ignited lightsabers, and in that moment the mask of a saddened child woven over his opponent’s face vanished, and it showed a sinister smile. Stepping into the twin lightsabers, Ahsik appeared to crash into Quejo, however to the Warlord’s surprise, never touched him. The colors making up the Hunter swirled and vanished, the light of his lightsabers faded away and the sound of its energy cell was silent.
In all but a moment, the twin image of Ahsik stepped forward and cross punched the warlord square in the nose, having been hidden behind the illusion he had crafted.
The impact left the warlord stunned, and for a moment shocked. The dark creature of the dark side was not stunned for long, pushing out his hand he took hold of the air. As though he was trying to grip Ahsik in his hand, the smug Zabrak was being lifted in the air.
“RRRAGH” Ahsik shouted as he threw his arms to his sides and ripped free of Quejo’s attempt to contain him. Drawing his stave and igniting it, he attempted to throw it at his opponent like a spear, with one arm forward and the other holding his stave over his shoulder.
However, between pushing his abilities and his injuries, Ahsik was out of breath, and Quejo was still very, very angry.
The ancient Pau’an Sith changed the gesture of his hand from one of holding, to one of imposing.
Ahsik was caught for a moment, stave in hand as he felt an unholy fear grip his heart, having stopped dead in his tracks.
Quejo did not stop with striking fear in the boy, he closed his eyes and put all the pain of his lost son into a raging torrent of power. The pain licked his fingers as it reached to strike the helpless and lost Sith apprentice before him.
“You have made the worst mistake of your life today, and we won’t stop until you’ve paid it back. Hehe... Even if it KILLS YOU.” Quejo allowed himself a small smile as he put every once of willpower into reducing this poor journeyman into a pile of rotting dust. Ahsik then perished screaming and crying for someone in a tongue Quejo would never understand, nor care to.
What Went Well
I really like how you went out of your way to establish a story that incorporated both Ahsik’s and Quejo’s backgrounds, and how you brought conflict into the post before the actual fighting started, with the whole thing about Quejo not giving Ahsik’s artifact back. Your dialogue was snappy and reflected each character’s attitude, and when the combat did start, you made sure to include plenty of action in a relatively short period of time.
Room for Growth
Syntax-wise, the way the dialogue was formatted made it hard to follow. Typically, a writer is supposed to start a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, or it gets hard for the reader to follow. (We don’t have the same clearly-established image in our heads as you do when you’re writing the dialogue.) We also had a debate among the judges about whether the way Quejo “flexed” and sent Ahsik flying was intended as Quejo physically pushing Ahsik, or flexing his hand in a gesture while using Telekinesis. We gave you the benefit of the doubt and didn’t deduct points for it, but it’s something to keep in mind in the future.
When it came to realism, the way you described Ahsik using the Blinding power goes beyond what the CS Guide says a person with Blinding at +1 is capable of doing. Specifically, the way it was written made it sound like Ahsik cast it instantly while running, when it should’ve taken several seconds and required him to stand still and use his full concentration.
Suggestions
In dialogue, start a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes. Add a bit more detail to your descriptions to make sure the reader knows whether an action uses the Force, physical movement, or a combination of both. When using Force powers, make sure you both know what the power can do, and how they’re limited. On a related note, we noticed that you wrote Ahsik looking away from his own use of Blinding, when his B-B-Blinded By the Light Feat makes it so that he doesn’t have to do that. We didn’t ding you for it, since it wasn’t “wrong” or anything, it was just a little bit weird to see.