Knight Appius Wight vs. Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig

Knight Appius Wight

Journeyman, Clan Vizsla
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer
vs.

Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender
Comment

First of all, let me thank you both for competing and completing this match. It's also nice to get a cooperative hall match, and even better when the characters have a rapport already established.

I left a lot of comments on both of your character's posts. I want to be clear, the purpose is to teach, not to punish or talk down to or run you off from the ACC. It's clear you're both learning and invested, I believe you'll only get better as time goes on. My comments are meant to help you with that.

First off, Trenkyp. As my notes on your second post said, I cannot stress this enough, slow down. Establish a narrative, how one thing lead to another. Jumping from cool move to cool move like you did in your second post absolutely tanked your Story score. And remember, while the other three categories start at 5 and go down as you get detractors, Story starts at 3 and goes up or down with quality. Your Syntax was borderline flawless, only my checker (Thanks, Tahiri!) caught some stuff I missed, and even then it wasn't much.

The second thing that hurt you was Realisim. Namely the issue with the Vibrosword not being on your loadout. You may have changed your loadout after this match started, but remember that 'snapshots' exist, and the snapshot attached to this match is the one of your loadout when you accepted or challenged. The second bit of Realism issue was your ending post, where one moment you have Appius so tired he couldn't shoot straight at the Alpha, and the next he was tagging Akul out of the air and throwing them around with the Force. This could have been a hit to your Story, Realism, or Continuity depending on how it was perceived, try to be consistent.

Appius, as my notes said, change it up! Using the same words over and over to describe things makes for a read that isn't compelling. Also, review possessives, that really hurt your Syntax score.

For both of you, another thing that I decided not to factor into the scoring because it wouldn't have changed anything. Lightsabers and blood. We see in A New Hope a bit of blood when Obi-Wan cuts off an arm at Mos Eisley. This is also the only time we see blood when a saber wound is inflicted. A little blood is fine, it fits with the canon, but you both wrote sabering Akul and getting 'drenched' in blood. Seriously, looks like shark week in here. I'd tone it down in the future, because it could be nit-picked as a Realism detractor on a close match, and could cost you a win!

With a score of 3.9 the Victor is Appius Wight!

Hall Cooperative Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Appius Wight, Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig
Winner Knight Appius Wight
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Appius Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Neophyte Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Shili: Savannah
Last Post 12 January, 2020 7:59 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Multiple Minor errors throughout, as detailed in comments. Rationale: Very few minor spelling errors, predominately in your last post.
Story - 40%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 2
Rationale: Much of this story felt untapped or rushed, but it was not difficult to follow or read. Rationale: You had a lot of ideas and a lot of sequences, but not much linking them together, more in post comments.
Realism - 25%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues found Rationale: You took a minor ding for the weapon not on your loadout, as well as some questionable actions in your last post about Appius's performance.
Continuity - 20%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No issues found. Rationale: As detailed in first post notes.
High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 3.9 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.2
Posts

Savannah

When you are traversing the wild and untouched landscapes of the savannah, just remind yourself that you are never the apex predator. The vast and desolate area of sand, rocks, dead and ancient trees are all the same blood-orange color for a simple reason: to hide your worst nightmare from your sight, the Akul. A large, quadrupedal and orange furred mammal, the Akul are the top predators that hunt all sorts of bovine, dog, hooved and giant mammals. Using their extraordinary sense of smell, they can trace your scent from days long past and track you down without mercy.

Savannah

Throughout the Savannah, tall and wispy Turu-grass stretches out into long ranging fields. Watering holes are sparse and spread thin, and the terrain offers little safety from the blazing sun that hangs overhead. When the sun retreats and gives way to moonlight, the Savannah becomes almost chill, but the night is dark and full of wild creatures. In the Savannah, it’s hunt or be hunted.

One Marauder-class Corvette remained in the space just above the Togrutan homeworld of Shili before a single jet black Kom'rk class fighter launched out of the capital ships hangar bay and broke through the orange hued planets atmosphere. Upon reaching ground level the Kom'rk committed to a corellian drift and took down a small number of trees that still inhabited the Savannah they landed in. Dust rose from the ground and surrounded the ship like an unbreathable fog. Once it settled, the ramp to the Kom'rk class fighter lowered and two figures began to descend down onto the cooled sunset lit sand. They were followed immediately by a IG-RM Thug Droid.

"I don't see what your problem is, master. Ted can handle himself just fine," spoke the first individual in protest. His name was Trenkyp Zkig, a tall Kel Dor and Jedi Defender associated with Clan Vizsla.

"Akul are dangerous creatures, Trenkyp. The utmost caution needs to be taken and I'm not sure if a standard thug droid is appropriate for something like this. Are you absolutely insistent on it coming with us?" Asked the second individual, a tall, slender man wearing personalized Mandalorian armor. His voice was altered and made deeper by some device hidden within his helmet. He was Appius Wight, Vizsla's first Knight, Sorcerer and the master of the Kel Dor accompanying him.

"Yes."

That single word of defiance from his apprentice caused the Force Disciples head to slump for a moment before he reached for his WESTAR 35 Blaster Pistol attached to his waist.

"Fine, he can take this then. I just hope he's as capable as you say he is," he said, having a sudden bad feeling overcome him about the situation. He held out the pistol and the thug droid, known as N0-TED or Ted for short, took the deadly weapon without so much as a second thought within its circuits.

Appius withdrew his Brotherhood-issued Inquisitorius Datapad and looked over the mission details carefully. The client for this particular mission had paid for House Wren to eliminate a pack of Akul that had overbred and overtaken the area they were situated in. Akul were vicious creatures. Quadrupedal, large with orange fur, and teeth sharp enough to give durasteel a run for its money. They were the natural apex predators on Shili so it was no surprise to Appius then that the Client, a Togrutan, wanted the nearby nesting ground eliminated. The Togrutan's feared these creatures the most. Fairytales of evil demons described just like them were often told in mythos and stories across the planet and killing one was considered an act of bravery, strength and courage. The creatures had reportedly overrun a nearby village not too long ago leaving no-one alive. Men, women and children were all devoured by the hunters of this world.

"It doesn't seem like they are here," Trenkyp said dejectedly.

Appius turned to the younger man behind him and smiled behind his T-shaped visor. "Remember your first lesson."

"Never jump to conclusions," the Kel Dor stated back sarcastically drawing quotation marks in the air with his fingers. It was a lesson Appius often liked to repeat to him. "Are you ok with doing this? Wiping out a nest of creatures in their own home?"

The question caused the Sorcerer to pause in steps and ponder for a moment.

"I do what I do because I'm loyal to my Clan, House and Battleteam. Is this unfortunate? Yes, of course it is. Do I want to do this? No, no I do not. But it's what has been asked of us and at the end of the day, these Akul have slaughtered a village of Togruta. So there's a silver lining to this somewhere at least. Regardless of how small it is," Appius responded and even behind the voice altering mechanism in his helmet the Defender could detect a hint of sadness in his master's voice. Whether or not Appius had regrets about the actions they were about to commit remained to be seen. One thing was for certain however, Trenkyp couldn't see the silver lining, not at all.


15 minutes later.

"We're here." Appius stated quietly as the two Force users carefully kept their distance from the nesting grounds of the Akul. To the two of them, it was no surprise that they had overrun the nearby Togrutan village. By their estimation there were at least ten, potentially more and they were notoriously dangerous. Several smaller Akul appeared to be dropping bloody pieces of Togrutan flesh around the feet of the largest Akul, the alpha female. She was at least double the size of the rest. Appius and Trenkyp dropped to the tall and wispy Turu-grass and attempted to remain unseen. Unfortunately for them, this all appeared to be futile as the Thug droids metal feet stamped past their heads and proceeded onwards towards its objective.

"What is it doing!?" Appius asked angrily.

N0-TED was programmed with predatory inclinations and as such, when it saw its prey it had to go on the hunt. The Sorcerer received his answer very quickly when the droid aimed the WESTAR 35 towards the pack of Akul's and fired. The blaster bolt embedded into the tree above the pack leaders head, instantly alerting them to their presence. The leader arched its head into the sky and let out an ear destroying shriek.

"That doesn't sound good," Trenkyp declared. The ground shook as a small horde of Akul began to stampede at them from the nest. Ted fired the blaster once again, scoring a head shot before being overwhelmed by two that jumped at the droid and knocked it off his feet.

"Kark!" Appius shouted, his jetpack roared to life as he ascended fifteen feet into the sky to get a better vantage point. Unfortunately, the grass was perfect camouflage for the orange furred beasts below and tracking their movements was insanely difficult.

Trenkyp grabbed his lightsaber from his waist and instantly activated it. The Force was with him however, as it probed the back of his mind and warned him of one the Akul leaping at him like a ferocious cat. He instantly rolled to the side and used his lightsaber to slice through its abdomen. Blood spilled out onto the Savannah floor as the beast drew its last breath. However, he was quickly surrounded by two more and one instantly jumped at him. so he was forced to call upon the mysterious power he was trained in to power his speed, he rolled out of the way again just in time. Coming to a stop, a warning screamed into his head and the Kel Dor threw his hand up on instinct. Another Akul slammed into an invisible wall that separated it from the Defender. The impact from the beasts momentum made him stagger back several paces and his quick successive use of the Force had suddenly drained him physically.

Seeing his apprentice was in trouble, Appius called upon the Force and his father's lightsaber floated to the palm of his right hand. He cut the power to his jetpack and descended quickly to land on top of the closest Akul to Trenkyp. Activating his own blade , sapphire met the neck of the beast, dropping it to the ground in an instant. The Force then screamed a warning to the back of the Sorcerer's mind but as he turned to address what gave him the warning he was jumped by another of the packs Akul which pinned him to the ground and applied it's full force against him.

"Appius!" Cried Trenkyp as he rushed to aid his master before the monsters jaw could bite into him.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 22 January, 2020 10:13 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a pretty solid explanation for why you and Trenkyp were on Shili, and had a nice bit of combat/action.

Can Be Improved


Word variety. Your first paragraph of combat involved ‘instant’ or ‘in an instant’ or ‘instantly’ at least three times, this can cause a looping effect for the reader and is also very bland as a descriptor. Every instance of Precognition was described the same way as well. On the Syntax front, you were lacking some commas that made sentences more clear and grammatically correct. Often times these were where you would have one of the two commas required (example, I often use the word ‘instead’ in my writing, often this needs a comma before AND after to be grammatically correct. Say stuff aloud when you’re putting in commas to figure out if there’s a break)

By their estimation(,) there were at least ten, potentially more and they were notoriously dangerous.

The Force was with him(,) however, as it probed the back of his mind and warned him of one the Akul leaping at him like a ferocious cat.

Beyond that, you seemed to have trouble with possessive apostrophes and when to use them (the monsters(‘)s jaw, its vs it’s, the former being proper for showing possession, which is opposite of how it works for every other word but welcome to English) Also you should try to expand more on your combat details, this was a lot of telling but not showing, which is kind of the opposite of what you need to be doing.

Trenkyp took a Vibrosword out of his robes and threw it at the creature’s face, making it leave Appius right before his head would have come off. The Sorcerer's armor suffered a few scratches but nothing that would compromise its effectiveness. The Knight then hit the Akul with a stream of lightning powered by the Force before it smelled like burnt meat.

"You need a lesson or two about sensing danger too," Trenkyp told Appius.

"No I don't, I'm just fine."

"Then what's that?" said Trenkyp, pointing to the right of Appius.

Appius did sense the Akul approach him, but only after Trenkyp told him. The Sorcerer ducked under the creature's jump while Trenkyp held his own lightsaber right in front of him. The Akul landed directly into the lightsaber, being cut in half and filling Trenkyp's robes with blood.

"Let's just get this over with," the Kel Dor exclaimed as he tried to get the blood off his clothes.

Trenkyp then laid down beneath the grass, turned his lightsaber off and signaled Appius to do the same. They both stood in the grass lane, while the Kel Dor was focusing to keep both of their Force signatures hidden. The Sorcerer grabbed his blaster from Trenkyp's droid with an invisible hand and slowly dragged the droid towards them.

"He'll be fine. He's self-repairing right now," said Trenkyp.

The droid was making a few noises which grabbed the remaining Akuls' attention. Trenkyp stopped focusing on their Force signatures and drew out his broadsword, the Butcher. Trenkyp and Appius stood back up. A few Akuls were running towards them before the Mandalorian opened his hand.

"Brace yourself," the Sorcerer told the Jedi.

The Defender planted his sword in the ground and put his feet behind his body. Appius then hit the ground with his palm and threw the Akuls backwards with a wave of energy, knocking Trenkyp off-balance.

The Kel Dor then got back on his feet and started running to one of the Akuls. It jumped at Trenkyp and as the Jedi ducked, the beast's chest was cut open. This time Trenkyp rolled away from the blood about to hit his clothes. Appius then fired at one of the creatures and hit its head. The Sorcerer held out his right hand and flames burst out of the flamethrower on his wrist. The Akuls were scared of fire and backed away as Trenkyp focused deeply to imbue his muscles with the Force, grabbed his Vibroblade and threw it with all of his strength at the creatures, this time piercing through an Akul's head.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 22 January, 2020 10:14 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Your technical syntax was near perfect, and you had a lot of action in a rather short post.

Can Be Improved


Here’s the bad, your action was confusing and hard to follow at times. You first say that Trenkyp and Appius laid down, then they were standing in the grass the very next line, and then they stood up in the next passage. You said the Akul were scared of fire but gave nothing about how you knew that, no indications (widened eyes, stomping at the ground, snorting, etc) from the Akul showed they were scared (backing away could purely be caution). On the topic of confusion, as well as Telling rather than Showing:

The Kel Dor then got back on his feet and started running to one of the Akuls. It jumped at Trenkyp and as the Jedi ducked, the beast's chest was cut open.

Why or how did the Akul’s chest get cleaved open? No where in those two sentences is there a swing of a sword or an attack. You have solid technical writing skills, don’t skimp on describing what you’re doing, think it through, expand, paint a picture with your words. The biggest hit you’re taking in this post was throwing a Vibrosword, which you write as being pulled from your robes, but is not on your loadout. If this was in fact the Vibroblade (which if you read the item’s text, does not use the word sword once), then there’s the question of how or when you retrieved it.

Whether it was the Akul's fear of fire or the fact that Trenkyp's Force imbued throw just sliced an Akul's head in twain, the remaining beasts were now reluctant to approach the pair of Force Users.

They both were beginning to understand just why these creatures were so dangerous and why the Togrutan's considered it a badge of honour to defeat just one of them. Never mind an entire pack.

A hellacious roar boomed across the red savannah and immediately the pack surrounding them slowly retreated back into Turu-grass, making them almost invisible to the naked eye. Unfortunately, both Trenkyp and Appius knew better and their suspicions were confirmed when the alpha female stood up from her nest and began to approach them. After each step her subordinates moved away, both out of fear and respect for her leadership.

Appius glanced to his apprentice. His use of the Force was impressive thus far in this confrontation and as a Sorcerer, Appius could certainly appreciate and admire that. However, as impressive and effective as it was the Kel Dor was clearly fatigued. His robes were bloody and in what little wind inhabited the savannah, sweat dropped down his face. It didn't surprise Vizsla's first Knight at all. Out of the two of them, Trenkyp had been the most active in combat so far against these Akul.

"Are you ok?" He asked concerned about his apprentices wellbeing.

"I'm fine. I can finish the fight," replied Trenkyp with a defiant tone in his voice. "Do you have any fuel left in that flamethrower?"

Appius quickly inspected the reserves and whilst it wasn't empty, it was certainly low.

"A little bit, not much."

Trenkyp's head lowered for a moment before it raised back up to look at his master.

"I have an idea. Start a fire."

The moment the Defender finished his sentence the alpha roared and lunged at them. The Force screamed it's warning to Trenkyp and then to Appius half a second later, giving them just enough time to escape the beast's claws as they spun and rolled to either side. The Akul spun and tried to knock the Kel Dor off balance with its tail to which the young man had no choice but to jump over the long appendage. Appius' jetpacks roared to life once again as he used it to leap over the Akul and land beside his apprentice, his boots collided with the ground loudly with a thud.

"Trenkyp, shield your eyes!" Yelled the Sorcerer. His apprentice didn't know what his master was up too, but now was not the time to argue with the beast in such close proximity to them. He covered his eyes with his bloody Jedi robes as Appius willed the power of the Force into the palm of hand and concentrated on it as best he could before thrusting it towards the beasts face. Thankfully, the few moments he had to focus were enough to set off what looked to be a flashbang in front of the alpha female's eyes. She recoiled in horror and stumbled backwards as she struggled to regain her vision.

Whilst the opportunity presented itself, the Sorcerer decided to put Trenkyp's plan into motion. He knew exactly what his apprentice was thinking. If they don't like fire, then why not make them burn?

Despite his own stamina drain from his own use of the force, with what little fuel remained he set alight the nearest patch of Turu-grass with a cone of flames. Fire needs two things to burn, a source for ignition and oxygen. In the humid and dry savannah there was certainly plenty of that and it didn't take long for the small fire to spread like a deadly plague towards the remaining Akul's as well as their nesting ground.

"We'll need to be quick. We won't be able to survive in this for long," the Master stated to his apprentice. Smoke rose from the giant fires, unbearably hot and began to engulf everything around them. The alpha Akul was about to retreat until it's tail was grabbed by a now standing and operational N0-TED. This momentary distraction provided the opportunity the Force Users needed as the pair activated their lightsabers in unison as sapphire blue erupted out of the hilts. The two Force then rushed the Alpha intending to end this fight once and for all.

After all, with the fire keeping the rest of the pack at bay, if the Alpha could be defeated the rest of the Akul society would crumble. Trenkyp reached the Akul first and raised his lightsaber above his head and directed a strike and the beasts shin.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 22 January, 2020 10:14 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Appius willed the power of the Force into the palm of hand and concentrated on it as best he could before thrusting it towards the beasts face. Thankfully, the few moments he had to focus were enough to set off what looked to be a flashbang in front of the alpha female's eyes.

An excellent display of showing what blinding is instead of telling, do more of this!

Can Be Improved


Not much to say, you ran into the same possessive apostrophe issue here and a single misspelling of and instead of at at the very end. This post felt a bit rushed or under done, like you could have done more with it.

Before Trenkyp could slice the Alpha Akul, another smaller one jumped between the blade and its target, pushing Trenkyp back and getting sliced. The Alpha female then kicked Trenkyp to the side and jumped away from Appius. The droid was knocked down and scratched, making it repair itself again.

The Kel Dor was hurt, but he wasn't affected too much. He concentrated on his wounds, which healed quickly, but left a burning sensation on the scars. Trenkyp remained on the ground, focusing on the pain as it was passing away.

Appius quickly grabbed his blaster from his belt and fired at the Alpha Akul, trying to end its life but he was too tired to hit any shots. He took all of his remaining strength and focused on delivering a powerful lightning bolt to the Akul, destroying its brain and killing it.

The remaining Akuls ran at their dead leader, trying to get any response before they started running at the Mandalorian. Before they could reach him, most of them were quickly cut by a blue lightsaber blade. Trenkyp was standing in front of the Sorcerer, trying to kill the last Akuls of the pack. The Defender was gathering all of his strength and focus to power his muscles with the Force, keeping him standing up.

"Don't leave me here," the Kel Dor said before he collapsed from fatigue.

One last Akul jumped at Appius, stopped midair by a blaster bolt and tossed aside by an invisible hand summoned by the Mandalorian. Appius then grabbed Trenkyp's Vibrosword, Vibroblade and lightsaber and carried the Kel Dor to the Kom'rk fighter. N0-TED stood up and walked by himself to his master.

Half an hour later, Trenkyp woke up tired and hurt on the ship. He then tried sensing Appius on the vessel, taking him a few seconds before finding him. The Kel Dor walked slowly to the Mandalorian inside the piloting cabin.

"How much are we getting paid?" said Trenkyp with obvious pain in his voice.

"Enough. Besides, we did a good thing."

"Yeah. You took care of that fire we caused right?"

Appius didn't respond which lead to Trenkyp trusting that the lush planet was still on fire. They both believed that the Togrutans could handle a small forest fire.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 22 January, 2020 10:15 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You had a clear and concise ending to the scenario, well done.

Can Be Improved


Slow. Down. Explain what’s going on. Describe the actions involved. You jumped from one action to the next, without explaining how you got there or the reasoning behind it. Be consistent, one moment Appius is too tired to shoot straight, the next he’s flinging lightning around and shooting Akul out of mid-jump and tossing them around with the Force.

Your post felt very, very rushed, as if you had a lot of ideas for battle sequences and wanted to get them all on the page without putting down the HOW any of them actually worked.