Padawan Trenkyp Zkig vs. Hunter Kade Ra

Padawan Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Hunter Kade Ra

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Human, Force Disciple, Shadow
Comment

First off, thank you both for your participation in the ACC, it is always a delight to see people interested in taking part.

That out of the way, let us get down to reviewing your battle. By way of writing, I’d say you are both very evenly matched when it comes to your writing skills. You made a few of the same errors here and there. You both have a good grasp of the Force Powers on your respective sheets and know how to write them decently well. My notes for the both of you are actually pretty nearly the same too. We’ll go over those notes below. I just want to say before we get to that, that you both have a good foundation upon which to build yourselves up with plenty of room to grow.

Details. This was something kind of big I felt you were both missing in general. You both expressed a good grasp of writing step by step action sequences. Action and reaction. Cause and effect. But. You were both missing the kind of detail that would truly engage your reader and keep them glued to their screen. It was not necessarily bland, but, it was missing the kind of detail that could elevate the combat scene and make your audience envision the picture you are painting with your words. Be it the details of the Matron itself, the environment, or the details that give the characters themselves a depth that makes them stand out as something living and breathing. This is what creates your story, which will bring your story score up. Part of that detail is also establishing the why of the scenario, and carry it through to the end, and write a solid ending to that scenario. Both the start and beginning were decent, but, they could have been much stronger.

Watch your tenses. There was some flip-flopping from both of you between the present and past tenses, Kade more than Trenkyp. This is not something my apps caught, but something I caught with a read through that made me have to pause and kind of reorientate myself in the story you were trying to tell. Watch out for this, a proof-reader should be able to catch these at a glance (in theory.) Trenkyp, the syntax issue I came across off and on in your writing was mostly word choice including an instance of a slang term that gave me pause. I laughed a bit to myself as I realized what you were saying: They knew if a Kel Dor was set on serving someone, it probably wasn’t best to stand in the way. This is generally not a Star Wars bit of slang.

Finally, the major detractor, this one being for Kade. Lightsaber wounds. In your final post, you mention Kade being struck by Tendryk’s lightsaber, so cutting his wrist and bleeding profusely. Lightsaber wounds do not bleed, they are instantly cauterized. You did well in his reaction to it however, in that he dropped his weapon and even Control Pain could not all out ignore such grievous wound. Any lightsaber wound is rather debilitating, thus why they are to be avoided.

Overall, you both did well, have things to work on but show a lot of potential. Keep practicing, get those details in there and I think you’ll both be great participants in the ACC. It was an overall pleasure to review your battle.

The win goes to Trenkyp. Congratulations. Thank you both again for your participation and I look forward to future battles from you both!

~Mune Cinteroph

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Padawan Trenkyp Zkig, Hunter Kade Ra
Winner Padawan Trenkyp Zkig
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Padawan Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Hunter Kade Ra's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Godless Matron: Chute Town
Last Post 13 February, 2020 6:54 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Mune Cinteroph
Syntax - 15%
Kade Ra Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: An issue of flipping between the present and past tense on more than one occasion. Rationale: A minor instance of flipping between the present and past tense. A handful of instances of poor wording.
Story - 40%
Kade Ra Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 2 Score: 2 (Advantage)
Rationale: A decent end, though it can be very much built upon. Very combat focussed, so there is not much in way of story advancement or anything to expand upon the “why” of the fight. Rationale: Decent start, but then nothing seems to happen other than combat. There is no advancement of the story really, nor anything truly engaging.
Realism - 25%
Kade Ra Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Major detractor. The lightsaber wound taken in the final post, the mention of blood pouring out. There lack of injury from hitting a wall in your second post also affected your score. Rationale: Nothing major to note.
Continuity - 20%
Kade Ra Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: Nothing noteworthy. Rationale: Minor detractor. Issue of going from one to two weapons in one post without mention of one of them being put away.
Kade Ra's Score: 3.0 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.4
Posts

Matron_ChuteTown

The Godless Matron is home to many, resembling a micro-society for those who wish to live outside the typical rule of the galaxy. The Lucrehulk-class battleship's massive hangers have been converted into dwellings as a result. Chute Town is the most notable of these makeshift towns. Many shops and storefronts have been constructed to take advantage of the higher volume of foot traffic. In addition, many ships and crews arrive into Chute Town to sell their "well-earned" commodities, weapons, or artifacts. It is commonplace to find the best and the worst gear the galaxy has to offer — it’s only a matter of how big your pocketbook is. The streets are patrolled regularly by the crew of the Matron itself, leaving would-be miscreants to be more wary, lest they find themselves on the receiving end of a pirate's sense of justice.

It is built mostly out of spare durasteel panels from derelict ships, dismantled machinery, or any other source or material the pirates could scavenge. It spans the length of the massive portside hangar of the Matron, reaching from its heavily protected reactor — hidden behind triple-reinforced blast doors and a guard retinue — all the way to the hangar entrance where the many incoming ships unload their cargo. It is more than a mile long, over five hundred feet wide and up to three stories tall, covering most of the floor. Chute Town's streets are a miniature maze, weaving in between buildings on several levels. Verticality is key for the masses of shops and bars to operate without interfering with one another. The main street is nicknamed Murder Alley, mostly because all the weapon shops are prominently opened there.

Matron_HangarZerek

Illumination banks are staggered along the walkways and buildings to provide enough light for the society to function. Still, the streets are left dim with a low hanging fog built up from the collective humidity of so many people in one space. For those calling it their home, there is no such thing as off hours. A large crowd bustles along at all hours, an exotic assortment of individuals from countless planets and the warring gangs that divvy up the territory within. It's the perfect place for those looking to disappear in the crowd.

Trenkyp Zkig was walking along the Godless Matron's Chute Town with his usual weapons, a lightsaber, the Butcher, his vibroblade and vibrosword, looking for an oddly looking Human. He was searching for Kade Ra, a member of Deathwatch like Trenkyp and a Force Disciple. They agreed to have a fight in a crowded location, but Trenkyp wasn't expecting to fight on a ship.

The Kel Dor knew that Kade had strange eyes, but that was all he was able to get. The Jedi then saw an unusually dressed Human as he was walking along the streets, with a blaster rifle coming out of his cloak. Trenkyp felt that he was the man he looked for.

"Kade Ra, I suppose?" said the Kel Dor quietly.

"Trenkyp. Good to meet you."

"It's time to fight, I guess. Just don't die."

"Don't worry about me."

Trenkyp grabbed his vibroblade from his belt in his left hand and his lightsaber in his right hand, with the lightsaber activated above his head and the vibroblade behind his back with his right leg behind the body. Kade grabbed his lightsaber in his right hand and turned it on, a green blade coming out of the hilt. The Human took a step back in order to prepare for attack.

Kade jumped at Trenkyp with the bright green plasma blade above his head, trying to hit the Kel Dor in the skull. The Jedi sensed the attack coming and quickly blocked the strike with his own green lightsaber blade.

Trenkyp tried to respond to the Human's attack by swinging his Vibroblade towards the Shadow's stomach. The Force Disciple sensed the attack just before the blade reached him, jumping back as his robes got cut. The Defender placed his lightsaber in front of him just as Kade grabbed his blaster in his left hand and fired a few bolts at Trenkyp. The Kel Dor deflected the bolts to the side, hitting some of the walls of the nearby shops.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 22 February, 2020 2:11 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

You briefly touch on the purpose of the characters being on the Matron, and the purpose of the fight. In this case, a simple one but a believable one with their being from the same unit, and thus knowing each other.


Needs Improvement

You make mention of the location the fight is taking place, the Matron, however, you kind of leave it at that. The environs can play a big part in a battle, and at the least, a big part in really establishing a strong visual of the situation. It is a fantastic tool for really drawing in the reader and creating an image within the mind of your audience. In general, I feel your details could use some brushing up, but that comes with practice. Also, try to vary how you describe things, twice when using Precognition, you use nearly the exact same wording twice.

While the people near the fighting rushed away, a crowd was gathering to watch. Kade re-slung his E-11 and gripped the tight, cold metal of his armory lightsaber, keeping his eyes trained on Trenkyp in a defensive stance.

Even with the rumbling noise of Chute Town, both Force Users had quite an aspect of focus on the duel. Silently, it seemed they had come to an agreement to avoid dialogue, as they both knew why they were there. And it was not to make conversation, as they could do that anywhere.

Focusing his attention with The Force, Trenkyp pushed his left hand forward in a Midi-chlorian-fueled cross punch, rushing at Kade with utmost speed.

Suddenly, Kade felt something was up. Channeling all of his focus to prevent what was coming, the Shadow began to conjure up a barrier in front of himself. Much to his surprise, this object would not manifest in time: The strike sent Kade flying into the side of the tower shops, a streak of black flowing as he moved. The Hunter was now at an intersection between Murder Alley and their previous street, and the Jedi was not far behind. When he fell down, the Shadow sustained slight damage to his left ankle, hampering his ability to walk.

The bustling intersection cleared out fast, and now quicker as the Kel Dor approached Ra. They knew if a Kel Dor was set on serving someone, it probably wasn’t best to stand in the way.

Quickly now, Trenkyp came closer, and the Jedi’s orange face seemed to glow among the Godless Matron’s white lighting. His face looked concentrated upon Kade, as he watched him stand up to face him.

As the Human got up to face Trenkyp, he could sense a distancing between him and The Force. Knowing it would take longer to call upon it, he grabbed his lightsaber off the floor and limped in a fast manner towards the Del Kor. Swiftly, they came together, and their lightsabers interlocked: A fury of yellow and green sparks falling to the floor.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 22 February, 2020 2:12 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Your combat writing has a good solid base, and you have a good grasp of combat flow. Action and reaction. You also display a great understanding of the Force powers employed. Of note here, the delayed warning from Precognition +1, and the slower to manifest Barrier +1. This is something often missed, yet you capture it and you capture it well.


Needs Improvement

Watch your tenses. You do a bit of flip-flopping in paragraphs five and six and it was more than just a little bit of a stumbling block for me as the reader. You want to keep your reader immersed in the story, in the action. The flip between the present and past tenses was like face planting, rather jarring and really messed with the flow of your writing. The other thing to watch out for that was noticed was that your character is sent flying and into a wall yet… seems completely uninjured other than when he lands and hurts his ankle?

As the two Force Sensitives fought along Murder Alley, Trenkyp tried not to hit Kade with his lightsaber too much. The Force Disciple tried as hard as he could to keep the Jedi at bay by keeping his lightsaber pointed at the Kel Dor. While they were fighting, Kade pulled a vibrodagger from his right leg strap and threw it in Trenkyp's direction as a distraction.

While the Defender dodged the dagger, the Shadow had disappeared out of the Jedi's sight. He could still sense the Force Disciple, but he couldn't tell where he was. Suddenly, his muscles took control of the situation and barely dodged a blaster bolt aimed at Trenkyp. Kade reappeared, blaster rifle in his left hand, a few feet away from the Kel Dor. A crowd has gathered, watching from a distance. While the Jedi dodged the blast, the Human activated his lightsaber in his right hand and fired another bolt at the Defender.

Trenkyp was ready and deflected the bolt back at Kade, forcing him to deflect that bolt to the side. The Force Disciple put his blaster on his strap and prepared to defend himself. The Jedi grabbed two throwing daggers from his belt with his left hand, threw them at the Human and started running at him. As the knives were met by the Shadow's lightsaber, the Defender nearly cut off Kade's right arm with his own green plasma blade, the Hunter sensing the attack just fast enough to dodge it. Trenkyp wasn't trying to hurt Kade, thinking that the Force Disciple could protect himself just fine against his attacks.

Kade swung his lightsaber at the Kel Dor's head, having the attack stopped by an invisible wall summoned by Trenkyp. The Jedi took his lightsaber in a two-handed grip, preparing his defense before the Force Disciple responded with a stabbing motion towards the Defender's chest. The Padawan pushed the lightsaber away from his body with his lightsaber and instinctively punched the Human in the head, making him step away in pain.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 22 February, 2020 2:12 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great action sequences. You do a decent job of portraying the struggle between the two characters, physically. I especially like your writing of Force Cloak +3 in this post, with its Ghosting 1 modifier. You also get the idea that these two individuals are very focussed on their battle, and so it can be excused that there is no dialogue going on in.


Needs Improvement

There is a lot of action. Not saying that is a bad thing but… it feels like that is all there is. The story does not really develop further than they continue to try and lay the beat down on their opponent. You do that decently well, but, what is going through the characters’ minds? These are people, thus they have thoughts, feelings, something a little more than pure reaction. A character’s Aspects can help a lot here too and would add a bit more colour to the post. There is also an instance where you switch to the present tense. It was a bit jarring, careful of these cases.

Kade was hit so bad that he was “seeing stars,” as some put it. Quickly though, the Shadow tuned with The Force once more and brought himself back to full focus on the matter at hand.

During this short recovery time, Trenkyp gripped the lightsaber with his two hands and prepared a swing at Kade. Just as the green plasma was approaching his face, Kade felt something coming. This caused the Hunter to throw himself to the floor, causing the bright green blade to sweep over him.

Trenkyp prepared to react to this, as shown by the focus upon his face and eyes: They were sharp, but not deadly. The Jedi came upon Kade, swinging his lightsaber over the top of him. As the blade was descending, Kade rolled over and disappeared, seeming to pop out of reality.

Reanimating behind the Kel Dor, the Hunter began a two handed, left to right sided swing on him. However, Trenkyp could feel the blade coming, and thus moved up his lightsaber, in a flash of green, to block it.

Stepping back, the two Journeymen now indulged in lightsaber combat. After their lightsabers interlocked, they both stepped back and moved in to engage. The flash of green and yellow plasma crashed again and again, and it was quite a sight to see. If one looked closely, they would notice some people in Chute Town placing wagers on who would win.

After quite some time, Trenkyp faked a swing on one side and sliced Kade’s right wrist open, blood pouring out. Dropping the lightsaber in pain, the Hunter quickly fought to ignore it, but still fell to the floor.

In a swift and final move, as the Jedi went over to him, he reached into his right sleeve and threw a Vibroblade at him with his left hand. As most desperate throws go, the blade flew off to Trenkyp’s right, and the Jedi now stood over Kade.

“Checkmate,” the Jedi smoothly stated, pointing his green blade at Kade.

“Alright, you win,” the Hunter grunted as they came together, heading off to heal the Force Disciple's sliced wrist.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 22 February, 2020 2:12 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Some decent action sequences here again. Towards the end, you even got into a little more detail on the type of swings, giving a little more to the image you were trying to create. Good job portraying the focus of the two fighters, the concentration especially when describing the look on Trenkyp’s face as he went in for an attack. The unexpected detail added a nice touch.


Needs Improvement

The ending comes across a little abrupt. It is a believable ending, yes, since there is no real reason for either of these characters to want to kill each other, other than perhaps Kade’s Aspect of “Natural Born-killer”. It just seems to end though, without much emotion, feeling, or substance when it comes down to it. How does either of them feel? What are they thinking? This feels non-existent and so removes the personalities and… well… the character from the situation. Do not be afraid of giving that bit of life to the characters.