Padawan Trenkyp Zkig vs. Mystic Appius Wight

Padawan Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman 3, Journeyman tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Mystic Appius Wight

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
Comment

Thank you both for your participation in the ACC. This was a delightful battle to read with some great writing all around. Trenkyp with noticeable improvement from a previous battle of yours I graded. Appius, with a very strong ability for fantastical storytelling that makes for an amazing read.

Some notes for Trenkyp first. You still need to work on getting that detail in there some. This was a definite improvement over the last one I’ve read, and it was great to see those notes applied to this, your next battle. One thing to be careful of, I feel, is the overuse of dialogue. I love seeing dialogue between characters, it does add something to the story when utilized appropriately, and effectively. In your first post, there is too much of it going on though and it ends up being very fragmented and actually detracts from the story you are trying to establish. That said, I do appreciate what you were trying to do by use of dialogue, though I still feel that it only harmed you in the long run in this case. Then we move onto your second post (third post overall), and you do a far better job in interweaving the dialogue, giving it a far more organic feel. You hit a very comfortable place with it, making it easier to appreciate the action moving effectively around it. This is where I saw the improvement in your writing from the last match I graded of yours. Keep working in this direction, I like what I saw in the second post.

Appius. You are quite the storyteller! You have a way of conveying images wonderfully through the very flow of your text. The battle has an ebb and flow that feels constantly in motion that is delightful and keeps the reader going, broken up skillfully with just the right amount of dialogue that plays well into the respective personalities of the characters involved. That said, you sometimes pick a word that acts as a very awkward stumble. I’ve pointed out a specific example in my notes to one of your posts. It is not necessarily that the word is wrong even, it is just… strange in the context of what you were trying to convey to your reader. There are also a few cases of a word dropped here or there resulting in my having to fill in the blank.

I should also note, Appius, careful with the Force powers. Telekinesis is not necessarily an intricate power in and of itself. You were, however, binding your opponent, holding them aloft with it which makes it that much more intricate and difficult to maintain. Force Lightning would be a little questionable while also trying to concentrate on maintaining the Telekinesis to keep a man aloft against his struggles… and show no fatigue or the sheer force of will it would have taken to draw still further on the Force. I note this because it wound up being a major detractor for you.

You both did amazing. Great battle, great writing, I enjoyed the read!

Congratulations to Trenkyp on the win here! Thank you both again for your participation and I hope to see more battles in the future!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Padawan Trenkyp Zkig, Mystic Appius Wight
Winner Padawan Trenkyp Zkig
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Padawan Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Mystic Appius Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Ilum: Crystal Cave
Last Post 23 February, 2020 7:17 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Mune Cinteroph
Syntax - 15%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 4 (Advantage)
Rationale: Minor things, specifically in word choices that negatively impacted readability in some cases. Rationale: Minor things, mostly punctuation. The final paragraph is also worded in a way that makes it difficult to follow.
Story - 40%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: Stellar storytelling and great character depth and development throughout. Rationale: The setting of the story was harmed by fragmented dialogue that felt forced and out of place even.
Realism - 25%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Major detractor. Appius makes a sustained use of Telekinesis which would take a great deal of concentration, yet also beings the use Force Lightning. It does not seem to trouble him to do so, which is not likely to be the case. Rationale: Nothing of note.
Continuity - 20%
High Inquisitor Anderson Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor in the final post. Rationale: Minor in the first post.
High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 3.75 Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.92
Posts

Ilum Crystal Cave

On a planet of dangerous myths, shocking fables and unspoken legends, there is also beauty. Dispersed around the untamed world are flaws: cracks formed through thousands of years of glacial rivers rushing and destroying cliffs, scooping away the soil and digging crevices untouched by all but a handful of explorers from ages long past. Isolated at the southern tip of Ilum, this particular ravine is close to the planet’s core. No-one ever dared to dive directly down into the darkness of the ravine, instead opting for laser drills that bore a tunnel into the nearby glacier. Uncharted and unexplored, this passageway is a place of nightmares for those who venture to its depths. The half-eaten carcasses of explorers who have met an untimely end litter the ravine’s descent—a warning to those who might choose to venture too far. Whether these men and women fell to their deaths, or had been murdered remains lost to the long-forgotten histories of the ravine.

The antechamber of the Crystal Cave is wide and cavernous with a winding walkway carved out of the stone itself and smoothed over with glacial elegance. The pathway ascending upwards to the top of the cave where a resilient sheet of ancient stone weathers against the raging winds from Ilum’s winter skies. At the base of the walkway is a platform of old stone used for meditation in times past.

Ilum Crystal Cave

Leaving the main antechamber leads to other tunnels carved and abandoned by miners and treasure hunters. Glinting like candlelight against the unforgiving darkness of the deep and untrodden cave, translucent clusters of kyber crystals crystals reflect the light. Untouched for decades, this place was once a common destination for Jedi Padawans seeking to build their first lightsabers. The sides of the cavern stretch vertically, terminating in a vaulted arch that was carved with embellishments some time ago. On each side of the walls, various ports and alcoves distinguish in the light. Some are known to be rivers of purified water, as displayed by the translucent sheets of ice glistening along the alcove walls.

Trenkyp was waiting next to the entrance of a Crystal Cave, expecting his Master who decided to meet on Ilum for a test.

"Is he coming or what?" the Jedi said before reaching for his Inquisitorius Comlink. Right as he touched it, he saw a Scyk Fighter landing on a small patch of flat land.

"Danger," said TOM-4V, the Padawan's droid.

"Don't worry. Stay here," the Kel Dor commanded the droid.

As the Fighter's hatch opened, a man in Mandalorian Armor emerged from the ship. That man was Appius Wight, Trenkyp's Master and current Aedile of House Wren. As the Sorcerer approached the Defender, the two greeted each other.

"Hello there. Didn't expect to see you here already," the Mandalorian said.

"Good morning. You'd be surprised to know how many people have told me that," the Jedi informed the Force Disciple.

"Let's get inside, shall we?" the Human said after closing his ship.

As the Master and his Padawan entered one of the caves, TOM-4V made an attempt to follow them.

"Uh, Tom, you stay outside. Guard the place, take this sword with you," the Kel Dor said as he handed the droid his broadsword.

"Roger roger."

It wasn't but a few minutes later, after they found their way inside the cave, Trenkyp sensed something wrong.

"You don't have a blaster. I'm quite surprised, honestly," the curious apprentice stated.

"This is a special occasion. I would have asked you to leave yours at home, but I knew you don't use one," the Human quietly told the Journeyman.

After walking around for ten minutes, the Defender realized that he had no idea of the purpose of the stroll they were taking.

"What exactly are we looking for?"

"Kyber crystals. For your lightsaber."

"Yeah, right..."

Half an hour later, the Mystic contacted the Padawan through his own Inquisitorius Comlink.

"There's a kyber crystal around the junction we were about ten minutes ago. Contact me when you're there."

"Roger that," the Kel Dor said.

Five minutes later, the Jedi was met by the Force Disciple while searching for the mentioned junction.

"Oh, you're here. Then let me lead you to the crystal."

"Alright. Weird, but okay," Trenkyp said surprised.

When they finally got to the kyber, the Human ignited his lightsaber and turned to the Defender.

"Another test of yours? Very well then," the Jedi said as he ignited his own lightsaber.

The Human readied himself by taking a small step back with his right foot and brought his lightsaber in a two-handed grip in front of his face. The Kel Dor did the same by taking a bigger step back with his right foot and positioning his lightsaber in his right hand, igniting it while unsheathing his vibroblade from his belt into his left hand.

Trenkyp charged Appius with his right hand above his head and his left hand behind his body with the intention of attacking the Sorcerer's back. The Mandalorian foresaw the attacks and blocked the Kel Dor's lightsaber with his own lightsaber. Grasping his left hand towards the vibrosword, stopping it in its path and pushing the Jedi backwards with an invisible force. The Mystic spun his lightsaber next to the right side of his body and reverted it into a two-handed grip.

The Defender felt a wave of energy coming and quickly concentrated on the Sorcerer as he grabbed the Kel Dor with an invisible hand. Trenkyp felt the grip getting weaker as he kept his concentration on Appius. As soon as the Human realized what the Jedi was doing, the Mandalorian concentrated even more on the energy surrounding his Padawan.

The grip wasn't getting any stronger or weaker as they both had to concentrate on the Force. The Journeyman stopped focusing on the power around him and started trying to trick the Mystic’s mind, taking him a few seconds to make him partially lose concentration, having no more control of the Kel Dor's movement.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 5 March, 2020 2:55 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great attempt at a story, you can really see where you were trying to build up a repertoire between the characters. You make it clear enough that they are Master and Apprentice and do establish the ‘why’ of their visit to the Crystal Caverns.


Needs Improvement

Your opening seems very… fragmented? It is great to have dialogue but some of it seems rather unnecessary and edges on excessive, resulting in something that kind of detracts from your overall post rather than bolster it. Keep in mind, I do not say this often as I tend to love some great dialogue thrown into ACC matches, so, the impact of the dialogue you tried to weave into this post is overshadowing of your actual story and even the combat you begin in the last paragraphs of your writing.

Appius shook his head to regain composure and shook off the last of the influence his apprentice had attempted to inflict on his mind.

Impressive.

Appius couldn't help but smirk behind his visor. Trenkyp was improving faster than he expected and it reminded him a lot of himself. He was known as a Vizsla superstar, and the clan's first Knight. An honour he carried with him wherever he went, but now it seemed Trenkyp was going to reach Knighthood faster than he did. It was just a case of getting him there and making sure he was ready.

Still, he was the Master, and Trenkyp, the apprentice. The Kel Dor still had much to learn, and Appius would be damned if he wasn't to teach him everything he could until the end of his apprenticeship under him.

The moment his eyes locked with the Kel Dor's he saw the Defender racing towards him with newfound vigor, with his vibroblade in his left hand he attempted a vertical strike at the Sorcerer only for his intended target to sidestep the attack, the warning from the Force his Master received being more than enough for him to take relative action. The vibroblade clanged against the hard cave floor and Appius swung his lightsaber in a diagonal, haphazard and fast swing, severing the hilt from the weapon itself. The sudden action startled the young Padawan as he staggered back several paces to gain some distance and inspect the damage.

In the entire time he'd known Appius, throughout their missions together, their constant spars and training, never had he destroyed one of his weapons, the motion of which sent a chilling wave down the Kel Dor's spine.

"I'm disappointed, Trenkyp. Here we are in the Cave of Ilum. A place famous among Force Users of the galaxy for its rich supply of Kyber Crystals. A place respected and honoured by the Jedi Order, revered by them, and you're using a vibrosword?"

Appius tutted at his apprentice and his words sounded even more brittle and demeaning from the Voice Modulator inside his helmet. Nonetheless, what he said had the desired effect. Trenkyp glanced at the broken hilt in his left hand and threw it to the side as it echoed across the walls of the cave. The Wren Aedile pointed his emerald blade at him, the glow of which made him look ethereal against the glittering stones of the cave.

"And the other one."

Trenkyp didn't budge.

"Or do I have to destroy that one as well?"

Trenkyp hung his head in defeat and sighed heavily. He unsheathed his vibroblade in his left hand and was about to discard it like his other weapons hilt, until inspiration flashed through his mind. Calling upon the Force, he felt it fuel his muscles as he gripped the blade hard with his hand, spun around and threw it at his master as hard as he could.

If it wasn't for the Force warning the Mystic of the impending doom it would have cleaved the Sorcerer's head from his shoulders. Thankfully, he was able to sidestep and Appius swung his lightsaber once again, this time casually cutting the blade vertically across the centre. The Wren Aedile glanced behind him and watched the two pieces of the weapon slide and screech unceremoniously further into the cave behind them.

Sensing his Master's distraction, Trenkyp took full advantage and leapt at the Sorcerer. With both hands centred in the middle of the hilt, the Defender swung a deliberate attack at the Human. With aid from the Force, Appius received enough warning to defend himself and raised his lightsaber into a high guard. Blue collided with green and the sabers locked together, neither combatant separating from the other.

"That's more like it."

The Mystic’s voice perforated the sound of the sabers as he took advantage of his mastery of Niman to overwhelm his apprentice. In a series of flitting strikes he struck high or low, with strength or speed but never both at the same time, changing patterns with the flick of a wrist, moving from standard to reverse grip in a matter of moments like it was as easy as breathing. He was creative, deceptively so and the Padawan attempted to block, parry and struggled to decipher any typical pattern in Appius' movements. His Master was like a flowing river, changing directions with the tide and perfectly balanced whilst he did so and as a result, Trenkyp found himself struggling to keep up momentum or pace. After a horizontal strike the Sorcerer called upon the Force and used it to leap over the Defender.

Landing behind him, Appius extended his palm and a powerful gush of air swept the young Padawan, sending him spine first into a nearby glittering wall. He grunted in pain as dust covered him. His lightsaber rolled across the ground a few feet away from him.

"Come on, Trenkyp. You're better than this."

Even through the brittleness of the Voice Modulator, Trenkyp could hear his Master's encouragement. But even so, he struggled to think of a game plan of how to win. How was he supposed to beat him.He didn't even have a more advanced lightsaber form to fight him with! It all seemed hopeless.

"Don't listen to it."

His train of thought was interrupted by his Master's screeching voice.

"Excuse me?"

"I can sense your feelings. That little voice at the back of your mind telling you that you can't win? That its useless? Don't listen to it."

The Kel Dor clenched his fist and slammed it into the ground.

"How the hell am I supposed to win!? Every single time we fight, no matter where we are or what we do, you always seem to come out the victor or there's something completely out of my control. Everything I do is pointless. I'm not strong enough."

That was when his master interrupted him by using the Force to throw a small, loose stone at the Kel Dor's head. The bump startled him but wouldn't cause any more harm other than the slight bruise forming on his flesh.

"Are you done?"

Trenkyp didn't reply, instead, he simply rubbed his head where the pebble had hit him, and simply observed as Appius sheathed his lightsaber and slowly removed his helmet, tossing it aside and looking at his apprentice with fire in his eyes.

"You want to know why I keep beating you, Trenkyp? Why you can't win? It's not because I'm trained better, that I'm stronger than you or anything like that. No, the real reason is I have confidence in myself."

Trenkyp lowered his head.

"I've been through a lot. My father was killed on Mandalore when I was fifteen and I left the planet seeking refuge elsewhere, having to fight for my life everywhere I went until Vizsla showed up and saved me. In the last Great Jedi War, my Master Farrin and I were ambushed by Shikari Huntresses and I lost my left kidney in the ensuing fight. I left the way of the Jedi Order behind, unable to see the light in their way, I went in search of it on my own. I went from a man who had nothing to a man who founded a Battleteam and became an Aedile. Have I had my lows? Of course, but I've always fought back. Why? Because I have hope. Hope for the universe, hope for a better future, and I have hope for you, you could be a better man than I. Remember, Shili? Your idea saved our lives."

"We nearly burned down the Savannah."

"And? The fire stopped and we are still alive aren't we? So do me a favour, shut up, grab your lightsaber, and show me what you can do. Because I refuse to accept that this is the best you've got!"

Trenkyp stared into the deep blue eyes of his Master, the passion and fire in his eyes lit ignited something within him, burning in his centre. Trenkyp wandered the galaxy after leaving the Jedi Order himself when he was nineteen. He wandered around the galaxy, eventually finding work on board a YT-1000 Light Freighter. Eventually forming a relationship with aTwi'lek woman named Gern'i. But when their ship was attacked by a Sith, she lost her arms in the ensuing fight and Trenkyp felt he had no choice but to leave her and their companions behind for their own safety. This is his reason for wanting to get stronger, to protect others, to make sure this never happened to anyone else, and why he despised the Sith above all else. He couldn't let her down, no, he wouldn't.

Immediately, the Kel Dor leapt to his feet and reached out towards his lightsaber. He focused on the metallic hilt for a few brief moments and sure enough, the hilt returned to his right hand. He activated the brilliant blue blade and gripped it in front of him with both hands and stood firm, a steely eyed look of determination graves his face. Immediately, he could feel the soothing energy of the Force heal the bruising and cuts done to his back, and to Trenkyp, it was just like walking. Pure instinct took over and his body felt back to normal. He was ready to fight once more.

Now we are getting somewhere.

Appius thought to himself and smiled. He responded by twisting his body to the side, seeming completely relaxed, lightsaber gripped in his right hand. Suddenly, his lips curved into a mischievous grin. He reached his left hand to nearby rock and with a flick of his wrist, a boulder the size of his body lifted into the air beside him. Looming ominously next to him. Appius strained himself as he kept the heavy rock in place.

"Oh by the way, I left something out. Think fast!"

Appius hurled the solid object as fast as a blaster bolt at the Kel Dor, who was forced to dodge out of the way or risk being squashed into a bloody pulp.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 5 March, 2020 2:57 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Fantastic. Brilliantly written story-wise. You take the established relationship of Master and apprentice and build upon it in such an exceptional manner. These are not just two individuals having at it. It is not even just a training match. This is a Master pushing his apprentice to the next level and all the emotions and thoughts that go along with it. You got me hooked.

I absolutely love the following part:

That was when his master interrupted him by using the Force to throw a small, loose stone at the Kel Dor's head. The bump startled him but wouldn't cause any more harm other than the slight bruise forming on his flesh.

Brilliant.


Needs Improvement

Missing words. As awesome as your writing is here, every so often it feels like a word is missing that kind of derails the reader slightly, and even a case of using two words that mean the same thing in their used context.

Trenkyp stared into the deep blue eyes of his Master, the passion and fire in his eyes lit ignited something within him, burning in his centre.

In this case, I’d have dropped “lit” and went with “ignited” and it would have been perfect.

As Trenkyp dodged the rock, he saw an opportunity to strike Appius. He motioned a punch towards the Mandalorian, using the Force to hit him without touching him physically. The Sorcerer was pushed back, grabbing his lightsaber into a two-handed grip.

"That's more like it!" the Force Disciple laughed.

The Mystic prepared for a high strike, positioning his lightsaber horizontally above his head. His blue blade was met by the Padawan's green blade, creating a small flash of light. The Jedi realized what came to the Human's mind and turned his head around just as Appius tried to blind Trenkyp with light created through the Force. He didn't see the flash directly, but he saw a reflection from the kyber behind him, disorienting him for a second and forcing him to step away from Appius.

"You were so close, Tren. But you need to learn," the Mandalorian said, approaching the Jedi.

"That's the thing, Appius. I always learn. During our last battles, I've learnt that you are too dependent on the Force. I, for one, consider our powers brought by the Force valuable allies, as they are, not as a right hand," the Kel Dor said, preparing to dodge a vertical lightsaber swing from the Force Disciple.

Trenkyp regained his orientation and jumped back, avoiding the attack.

"Oh, one more thing, Appius. I'm more than just a learner," the Kel Dor voiced as he was walking backwards.

The Jedi stopped right before the kyber crystal, taking his lightsaber in his left hand, behind his body. The Mystic swung his lightsaber at the Kel Dor's head, only to have it stopped by an invisible wall, conjured by the Padawan. Appius stopped for just a tenth of a second, confused, as the Defender's green plasma blade was travelling towards the Mandalorian's liver in an arced path.

The Master dodged the swing just enough to not get hurt, having his armor scraped by the apprentice's lightsaber.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 5 March, 2020 2:58 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Much better use of dialogue in this post than in your first post. It flowed far better as part of the post, as opposed to separate. You also do a great job of describing the use of Telekinetics Strike at the beginning of the post.


Needs Improvement

Appius employs Barrier within his own arsenal of Force powers, I doubt heavily that he would be confused by the use of it by his apprentice. In this case, the experience of the opposing character would need to be taken into account, and that they themselves have the same power in their repertoire.

You also have a large section that becomes very jumbled and I found myself unable to follow at all. This definitely kept your score from a 4.

"That's the thing, Appius. I always learn. During our last battles, I've learnt that you are too dependent on the Force. I, for one, consider our powers brought by the Force valuable allies, as they are, not as a right hand," the Kel Dor said, preparing to dodge a vertical lightsaber swing from the Force Disciple.

Trenkyp regained his orientation and jumped back, avoiding the attack.

"Oh, one more thing, Appius. I'm more than just a learner," the Kel Dor voiced as he was walking backwards.

Appius stepped back out of range of Trenkyp and glanced down and blinked at the very visible rip in his Mandalorian armor.

"Huh." Was the only word Appius could form out of his mouth.

Observing Trenkyp approaching him quickly, the Sorcerer did what he does best.

He stretched out with his left hand and wrapped his control of the Force around the Kel Dor like an extension of his limbs and instantly the Padawan found himself levitated into the air. He squirmed for a moment, suspended among the glittering crystals until he noticed the Force Disciple deactivated his lightsaber, dropped it to the ground, and his right hand sparked ominously with streaks of white and blue that danced between the Sorcerer's fingertips like a violent wave. Trenkyp felt his heart drop and panic formed within him.

"Looks like I win, Trenkyp. It's a damn shame too."

Upon hearing his Master's words, Trenkyp felt the fire in him rage harder.

"No, it is you who has lost!"

His words screamed defiance, and the Defender had been on the receiving end of Appius' lightning attacks before, and it was not happening again today!

He concentrated his entire being on cutting the Sorcerer's connection to the Force for a brief few moments. Appius gasped as his hold over Trenkyp became as hard to maintain as sucking air through a straw. The Defender landed on the ground and launched himself at the Sorcerer, calling upon the Force to power his legs as he did so. Upon reaching Appius, he attempted a horizontal swing, only to have his wrist caught by his Master's hand before he could make contact. Both men were starting to breathe heavily, and understood that if they were going to end this fight they were going to have to do it quickly.

Trenkyp attempted an aggressive punch with his free left hand and Appius responded by allowing the strike roll over his shoulder. He activated his jetpack as the thrusters flared to life and caught the bottom of the tall Kel Dor's Jedi Robes. Trenkyp's senses blazed as he retreated and threw his robe off him. He stomped it into the dirt to prevent the oxygen in the cave from being consumed by the fire. He may have been fine, but his Master was Human and needed it to survive.

Sensing his opportunity, Appius cut the power to his jetpack and called his lightsaber to his hand, activating the deadly weapon, he threw it with as much strength as he could and the weapon whirled towards his apprentice. He concentrated hard, to the best of his ability whilst as haggard as he was.

The Force blared it's warning to the back of the Defenders mind and he ducked underneath the deadly saber. Under normal circumstances, gravity would dictate that the lightsaber fall to the ground in a heap. However, Appius' control was fine tuned, and it instead of falling, it arched through the air after scraping through a crystallised wall and began its return towards the House Wren Aedile's hand.

But this was not the first time Trenkyp observed Appius performing this particular feat. He spun, and using his own lightsaber he batted the weapon away from himself as best he could and veered it of course, causing it to collide into the cave wall. He turned around and leapt at Appius with his lightsaber pointed inches from his face in a two-handed grip. It was over, and the Sorcerer had no choice but to surrender.

Appius stared wide-eyed at the green blade inches from his face, stunned and aghast at what had just occurred. The tall Kel Dorian refused to move as both men panted heavily as they stood in a stalemate.

"I win."

Trenkyp didn't know what to expect out of Appius. He had done it at last. He finally won. But what would his Master think? Would he be angry? He didn't honestly know. To his surprise though, he watched as Appius' mouth curved into a soft smile.

"Yes. Yes you did." Replied the Mandalorian.

The Sorcerer's eyes softened as he motioned for Trenkyp to deactivate his lightsaber. The Defender complied and sheathed his lightsaber, before walking over to the cave wall and picking up his Master's lightsaber. He returned to him and offered it back to which the tall human graciously accepted. After taking a minute to catch his breath, he addressed his Padawan.

"Do you know why I brought you here?" He asked quietly.

"To test me? To pick out a Kyber Crystal?"

"Well, yes. But there's more to it than that."

Trenkyp tilted his head slightly and Appius could only chuckle at the evident confusion on his face.

"You know, it's funny. My own Master brought me here to collect a Kyber Crystal when I became a Knight. And now here you are, about to become one as well."

If pictures could talk, then Trenkyp's face would have told a story. He went through a range of feelings. Confusion, joy, nervousness. One after the other. It was what he's been aiming for since he joined. A recognition of his ability and what he can do, and the chance to grow stronger.

Not to mention, pick up a real lightsaber form. Banlanth only gets one so far.

"I… I don't know what to say. Why didn't you tell me?" The Kel Dor stuttered, to which Appius smiled back at him.

"I shouldn't have to tell you to get you to fight with your very best. Now, I need you to kneel."

The Jedi followed his order and knelt onto one knee. Following this, Appius ignited his lightsaber and hovered the blade over one of his apprentices shoulders to the next.

"Trenkyp Zkig. As your Master and House Wren Aedile, I hereby promote you to Knighthood. You kneel as a Padawan, now rise as a Knight of both Clan Vizsla, and the Brotherhood."

He rose to his feet and there was silence between the two men for a few moments.

"So… what now?" The newly promoted Knight asked.

"Now, you go forth and get that blasted Krystal for a new lightsaber. Other than that, your apprenticeship under me is just about complete. I'll train you some more in lightsaber combat. But after that, you won’t need me anymore."

The words formed a pain in Appius' heart. After all, it was true. Trenkyp didn't need him anymore.

"I'll see you back on Zsoldos. Congratulations once again."

Appius turned to exit the cave, leaving Trenkyp behind to conclude what he needed to do here.

"Master."

Appius halted at the call from his apprentice and turned to look him in his black eyes.

"Thank you."

Appius nodded and smiled. Leaving the Cave of Ilum shortly afterwards. Happy that the future looked awfully bright for the Brotherhood. Especially with Knights like Trenkyp in it.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 5 March, 2020 2:59 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

I am very pleased with how you completed the story. The initial reasons for combat are not forgotten by any means as you bring the story to a very solid conclusion, with what feels like a good and natural development of the characters.


Needs Improvement

I need to mention this only because it is the one major thing that keeps catching me off guard in your writing… Word choice. There are numerous instances where the word you choose just comes across extremely off.

He concentrated his entire being on cutting the Sorcerer's connection to the Force for a brief few moments.

This is but one example. Why not brief moments or few moments? This three-word combination was jarring in what is otherwise some absolutely amazing writing.