Knight Trenkyp Zkig vs. Knight Gui Sol

Knight Trenkyp Zkig

Journeyman, Clan Vizsla
Male Kel Dor, Jedi, Defender

Knight Gui Sol

Journeyman, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Kiffar, Jedi, Techweaver

I have to start off with a profound apology for the exceptionally long delay on this match and your patience. Real world events took out the initial judge assigned and then myself after I took the match over. So again, thank you for your saint-like patience waiting on this match to be graded.

Starting off with syntax this match was remarkably clean (as in free of excessive errors) so thank your proofers! Nothing detracted from my reading of the match and I had to really look for syntax errors of any kind. Gui gets advantage in Syntax because his prose was slightly better with more complex sentence structure and varied word usage.

There were no continuity errors I or a second judge could find and there were two minor realism detractors on Trenkyp’s part. I always try to give the competitor the benefit of the doubt when interpreting realism but I have to follow what’s on the loadout and in both instances what was written contradicted the loadouts. Nothing to get discouraged by, I’ve made similar errors myself.

Story-wise the match was enjoyable and I liked the premise Trenkyp introduced for why two Jedi would be fighting. As someone who cut his teeth in the ACC with a Jedi character I can relate to how much of a challenge that can be. Both of you have a talent for writing combat scenes and I strongly encourage you to continue on in the ACC and look forward to seeing more matches from you. Gui takes the advantage in story almost entirely on his ending being more fleshed out. Both of you were solid 3s in story on the rubric and what I felt kept you from 4s was story threads left unresolved and generally just a little more detail and characterization. That being said both of you are strong writers and I would not want to face either in competition.

Thank you again for the match and I look forward to more from both. However, there must be a winner and the winner is Gui Sol

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Knight Trenkyp Zkig, Knight Gui Sol
Winner Knight Gui Sol
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Knight Trenkyp Zkig's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Knight Gui Sol's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Nar Shaddaa: Club Vertica
Last Post 15 March, 2020 5:50 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Corsair Juda Graves Savant Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: A minor error but also very strong prose throughout which confers the advantage in this category. Rationale: Two very minor errors, but nothing that detracted from a smooth reading experience.
Story - 40%
Corsair Juda Graves Savant Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: See match summary. Rationale: See match summary.
Realism - 25%
Corsair Juda Graves Savant Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 4
Rationale: No detractors. Rationale: You had two minor detractors, one in each post. See post comments.
Continuity - 20%
Corsair Juda Graves Savant Lumyi Hicyl
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see Rationale: No issues that I could see
Corsair Juda Graves's Score: 4.32 Savant Lumyi Hicyl's Score: 3.8

Nar Shaddaa Club Vertica

A gambler’s den of the Vertical City’s greatest bettors, Club Vertica is a casino reserved for the wealthiest of Nar Shaddaa. Cardshark droids are used exclusively to deal hands to those willing to risk their credits at the sabacc tables. Cheating is rendered near impossible under the surveillance of the droid's six photoreceptors. That, of course, does not stop the downtrodden from accusing others of being a fraud, which can often happen before someone receives a blaster bolt between the eyes. The few that have been able to use skiffers undetected are counted as some of the best swindlers in the Galaxy.

Cerulean lights illuminate the tables, making concealment during a game difficult. Seated around most of the oval tables are a mix of gamblers from different species, succumbing to their addiction for the ultimate prize—the sabacc pot. Credits are tossed onto the tables forming mountains that draw in fierce competitors with deeper pockets and faster wit than the usual patrons.

Behind the games of sabacc, drinks are being served from the alcove of a small bar. Most of these are a shade of blue in color, expertly mixed to dull the senses of all but the hardiest individuals. Onstage, a local band sets the mood of the venue with an upbeat number that deafens out most conversations. The stakes are always high at Club Vertica.

Trenkyp was walking towards Club Vertica, looking for a specific man. Or a woman, all he knew was that he was supposed to get a secret sign. He wasn't sure who they were or how they looked like, but he thought he could gain some information that would benefit him. Maybe even the Clan too, if he was lucky.

The determined Kel Dor entered the Club, making sure nobody saw his face. He saw a short Twi'lek male nod towards him and make eye contact, so the Jedi headed towards his supposed informant.

"So you've got a lead on the Collective?" the Kel Dor asked.

"Maybe. For the right price, of course," the Twi'lek quietly said.

"The right price, sure," Trenkyp said, tossing him a small bag of credits.

"Hmm. There's been a sighting on Coruscant. That's all I got. See you never, pal," the Twi'lek said as he grabbed a blaster from his belt with the intention to shoot the Jedi. The Kel Dor felt the attack coming and quickly grabbed his Vibroblade from his own belt into his right arm, sliced the man's right hand off and then stabbed him in the throat. The corpse fell on the floor, blood spurting out of it.

"Damned reflexes," the Defender voiced as he sheathed his vibroblade. Suddenly, a voice came out from behind him.

"Hey! What are you doing? There's blood all over the place!" a Kiffar yelled. His name was Gui Sol, a Jedi of Clan Arcona.

"Just a misunderstanding, I didn't mean to kill him," uttered Trenkyp.

"Yeah, yeah. You're gonna have to say that to the Clan."

"The Clan? Which Clan? Wait, aren't you a little young to be in the Brotherhood?" The accused said while turning to the Techweaver's face.

"Shush, gramps. Do you have a license to kill?" the Kiffar asked the Kel Dor.

"Hmm... Should have thought about that..."

"Then you're coming with me. Come on Barry, let's get this guy to jail," Gui told his DUM-series Pit Droid.

"If you must... then take me with force," the Defender said, readily unsheathing his lightsabers, Demonology in his right hand and Sorcery in his left hand. He activated both of them at the same time, taking a small step back with his right foot. He placed Sorcery sideways above his head and Demonology horizontally behind his back.

"Barry, stand there. Another Jedi? How would the Order feel, two Jedi fighting each other?" the Kiffar asked the Kel Dor.

"So you surrender?"

Gui unsheathed his own lightsaber, placed it in a two-handed grip above his head and activated it. Trenkyp noticed that it looked eerily similar to Demonology, with the same constructions and blade color.

They both held their breath, waiting for each other's attacks. A few seconds later the Defender took a long step towards the Techweaver and stabbed at his right leg with Sorcery. The Kiffar sensed the blade coming and moved his lightsaber to block the attack. The Kel Dor swung Demonology towards Gui's head, who had to jump back as he was overwhelmed by two lightsabers.

Adept Rajhin Cindertail, 7 April, 2020 1:55 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Your descriptions of the character actions are strong and convey a clear picture to the reader of what is happening, which when describing melee combat is no small feat! Also, I liked your setup for why two Jedi would be fighting.

Can Be Improved

His name was Gui Sol, a Jedi of Clan Arcona.

I know keeping track of members and characters clan affiliation can be a bit much at times but Gui’s loadout says Clan Odan-Urr so this is a minor realism detractor (for contradicting the loadout). Just remember, the loadout is what controls in a given match.

Sol's eyes watched the Kel-Dor's blades dance and moan with an eagerness he had seen in the Praxeum. He recognized the movements of Tenkyp's form and flashed his trademark smile as he launched himself forward but quickly redirected his blade around an adventurous Sullustan with a death wish; the buffoon had the awareness of a boulder as he crossed Gui's path. To avoid the catastrophic possibility of impaling an innocent, the Kiffar twisted on his feet and rolled his blade around the screeching distraction. As the golden beam traveled dangerously close to a bulbous ear, Gui's blade was caught by Zkig's Sorcery. The crowd cheered as the energy of each blade crackled and popped with each reintroduction.

The junker cleverly worked the hilt of his weapon and the blade followed suit as his reverse grip constantly changed, searching for an opening in the Kel Dor's guard. Typically, the Knight of Urr was able to read the eyes of those he was duelling, but when looking into Tenkyp's emotionless goggles, it was nearly impossible. He would need to call on his ally. Not Barry, that tiny traitor was too busy chatting up an Astromech in the corner, but the Force.

Gui could hear the heavy breath of the Defender as he sucked toxic oxygen into his rebreather. Working two blades at the same time was expending a lot of energy, whereas Gui was able to utilize small movements and redirects to catch and parry the cyclonic fury. Sure enough, confidence began to diminish the young Rollmaster's focus. Tenkyp sniffed out the lapse in Gui's judgement and immediately took advantage as he trapped Sol's blade between his own and ripped them to the right with enough momentum to temporarily disarm him.

"Ah, frack!" Gui murmured as his hilt went airborne, but time seemed to slow as Gui instinctively sent ripples of energy towards the hilt, ensnaring it in mid-air to beckon it back. Unfortunately for his face, as his hilt's trajectory shifted, so did his jaw as the Kel Dor went into a pivot and delivered a surprise roundhouse that sent the Kid crashing into a Sabacc table.

Gui's dreads were sloppily wrapped around his head and his armor was disheveled as he clawed his way back to his feet. Broken glass, cards, and three tables were toppled in the embarrassingly awkward recuperation phase. Oh, and the Kel Dor's robotic laugh, that only seemed to make things worse.

"That's it," Gui roared, standing tall in the face of adversity. "Have a drink!" confused, Tenkyp's laugh immediately fell silent as he watched the Kid make some sort of throwing motion with his hand.

"Ow!" the Kel Dor griped, gripping the side of his head as a glass exploded against his flesh. "What the?!" another shattered, and another. Gui was slinging drink ware as if he were a washer in a Coruscanti diner.

"It's over for you, buddy!" Gui taunted.

It was obvious that anger was beginning to snuff out any semblance of balance the Kel Dor possessed as he bound forward. Gui smirked as he watched the predator take the bait, stampeding forward like an angry Bantha. As the Kel Dor closed the gap, Gui hurled another projectile, one that he anticipated would be evaded with a duck. He wasn't always right, but when he was, it paid off. As the Kel Dor ducked the piece of table, Gui tasted the blood in his mouth and it made his retaliation that much sweeter.

The piece of debris trailed overhead as predicted and Trenkyp ducked, but as he lowered his head, the Rollmaster's leap was accompanied by a chambered knee that rocked the side of Zkig's unprotected cranium. Gui winced as the momentum of his opponent's charge and his own leveraged strike created a more powerful hit. One which sent Trenkyp crashing into the adjacent bar stools.

"That one's on me!" Gui chuckled.

Adept Rajhin Cindertail, 7 April, 2020 1:56 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

To avoid the catastrophic possibility of impaling an innocent, the Kiffar twisted on his feet and rolled his blade around the screeching distraction. The prose you use to weave your action scenes is not only strong but flows nicely creating a smooth reading experience. Your use of the venue was also superb.

Can Be Improved

the Rollmaster's leap was accompanied by a chambered knee that rocked the side of Zkig's unprotected cranium

“Chambered knee” is a bit confusing and threw me out of reading the passage. It’s not a syntax detractor per se, but re-read your posts for passages like this. I personally find reading aloud helps catch things that may disrupt the flow of reading.

"I'm done playing around," the Kel Dor voiced as he got up. He felt shaken by Gui's hit, with bruises on his back, but he could still fight. Trenkyp concentrated on his right fist for just a second and punched the air towards the Techweaver. The Kiffar felt a hit to his shin, losing his balance and falling on his hands. The Defender grabbed a throwing dagger from the back of his belt and threw it towards Gui, slicing some skin on his back. The crowd started placing bets on who would lose, making lots of noise.

The Kiffar yelled in pain as before he gripped his Stun Gun. He focused on his wound and shot at the Kel Dor, who activated both of his lightsabers to deflect the bolts.

"You can surrender any time you want." Trenkyp approached Gui with both of his lightsabers rotating in front of him, appearing like a barrage of plasma. As the Kel Dor got closer to the Kiffar, the Rollmaster concentrated on the Deathwatch member's body to try and stun him in place. The Defender looked paralyzed, unable to control his movements as if his spine was broken.

"You thought you won, didn't you?" the Techweaver said as he got back on his feet and charged at the Kel Dor. Trenkyp focused all of his power into cutting off Gui's connection to the Force. He didn't fully succeed, but he released himself from the Kiffar's control and dodged the attack. Gui stopped his attack just in time to not hit a sabacc table.

The Kel Dor lifted Sorcery with an invisible hand and pointed his left hand to the Rollmaster, slowly moving the lightsaber towards the Kiffar. The crowd started to spread out and those that placed bets were collecting their credits.

"You're going to let me leave. And you won't tell anyone about me. Deal?" Trenkyp said as he approached Gui.

“You won’t see sunlight again,” the Techweaver whispered angrily.

“...Or the droid gets it. Barry, right?”

The Kiffar sighed as he let his head down.

"Next time I won't go so easy on you," the Kiffar uttered with a defeated voice.

"Then we have a deal. You can keep that guy's credits," the Kel Dor voiced, pointing to the informant's corpse. The Defender grabbed his lightsaber back and shut both of them off.

Trenkyp grabbed his throwing dagger from the floor and left the Club in a hurry, to go back to House Wren's base on Du Kang Island.

Adept Rajhin Cindertail, 7 April, 2020 1:56 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The Defender looked paralyzed, unable to control his movements as if his spine was broken.

I love this visceral illustration of a Force power in action.

Can Be Improved

The fight seemed to end a bit abruptly just as the action was rising. As a reader I was left wanting more and that made the ending feel less satisfying than it could have been. The end result was fine; it just felt like you rushed to get there.

He didn't fully succeed, but he released himself from the Kiffar's control and dodged the attack

I believe you may have mistakenly used stasis instead of stun. Gui has Stun which states “this staggering effect is short-lived.” Stasis is a “hold in place using the Force” feat while Stun is, as the name implies, a short stun. I won’t put a specific time frame on it but we’re talking a few seconds. You describing the action as “the Kiffar’s control” implies a sustained hold which Stun is not.

Sir!" shouted a disgruntled bartender, "Enough, who's gonna pay for this mess?!"

"Well, my good sir, that gentleman there would be glad to pay!" Gui laughed, wiping crimson liquid from his lip. "He's definitely gonna pay," His eyes evolved into a focused gaze as he called his Lightsaber to his waiting palm. It rattled against the floor before taking flight and screamed to life as the Kiffar gripped it.

Trenkyp pushed himself up and shook the haze from his head. He was caught off guard, that much was for certain, but he was still very much a participant in the scuffle. The Kel Dor matched Gui as Demonology and Sorcery were brought back into the fray. Just in time to catch Gui's overhead strike.

The pops and crackling energy were vibrant and fierce as the two beings leaned into one another; Trenkyp, letting slip Demonology caused Gui to lose his leverage which forced him to take a step forward. As he did, the secondary blade of the Kel Dor rolled into Gui's upper thigh causing him to yelp in pain.

The slight smell of burning flesh tickled the noses of the Patrons as they roared with excitement, encircling the duo, flocking like vultures to a rotting cadaver.

Gui stumbled back, tucking his blade behind his dominant arm in a defensive posture, licking his wounds with the Force. It wasn't enough, he was only able to deaden the pain as he allowed the current to wash over him. It comforted him but still left him slightly disadvantaged, at least physically.

The Kel Dor was skilled with a Lightsaber, perhaps more so than Gui, but the wily Kid was smart, smarter than he got credit for. As the Kel Dor charged, no doubt feeling like he had the upper-hand, considering he did, both blades rained down. Gui, seeing the move before it was even executed was already fixing his grip and rotating his blade to block. Catching one blade and then redirecting to block the other, he flicked his wrist and twirled the off-hand saber of his opponent until it was relinquished from Trenkyp's grip.

"Gah," spat the Kel Dor in the moment. His guttural disapproving response was followed by a battery of strikes as his secondary hilt rolled across the floor.

"This is gonna suck" thought Gui as he stiffened his chest to absorb the front kick thrown by Trenkyp. As the boot connected, Gui, utilizing his brain, hammed it up a little bit and stumbled back against the bar.

"You're strong," Gui added, looking to the left, reaching out to Barry with the Force. "I don't know if I can take much more."

"Do you give up?" The Kel Dor Jedi sensed victory. All the while, Gui was focussing on the metallic processor of his tiny friend, taking control of its rigid limbs, his eyelids sliding shut in concentration.

"Do you concede?" The Kel Dor asked again while taking a step forward, blind to the fact that Barry was bending over to pick up his grounded Lightsaber. "I don't have time for this."

"No, this isn't over." Gui grinned as Trenkyp's own Lightsaber hissed to life, causing him to spin around to face the new threat.

"Drop that, droid!"

Gui loved it when a plan came together, as he saw the Kel Dor's attention shift, he bound forward and reached out. His left arm slid around Trenkyp's throat and his fingers locked onto the forearm of his right. Like entangling vines, he hooked his legs around the Kel Dor's and flexed his arms.

Trenkyp's arms shot up and he dropped his saber as he felt the constriction on his wind-pipe, with each exhale, Gui squeezed tighter.

The duelist dropped to one knee, then to two, clawing at Gui's arms. The hold was locked in tight and there was little the Kel Dor could do but labor for breath.

"Are you done?" It was Gui's turn to ask but he got a resounding "No!" in response.

"Very well," Gui replied, ripping Trenkyp's mask from his face "How bout now," Gui barked.

"Yes, yes!" Trenkyp panicked, choking on the air he was forced to take in, "You win!"

"I thought so," Gui sneered, letting go of the opposing Jedi. "Don't go dying on me" Gui laughed, tossing the mask down to the gasping alien.

"Come on Barry, I'm not cleaning this up."

"Hey, where are you going?" The Bartender was not amused.

Adept Rajhin Cindertail, 7 April, 2020 2:02 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The ending you crafted here provided a satisfying resolution to the conflict.

Can Be Improved

Barry showing up was a bit abrupt but didn’t kill the overall ending. In future matches try leaving more foreshadowing and hints to make the droid seem like a consistent part of the story.