Raider Jon Silvon vs. Seer Raziel

Raider Jon Silvon

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Mercenary, Director, Mandalorian
vs.

Seer Raziel

Equite 3, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Miraluka, Force Disciple, Juggernaut, Sentinel
Comment

First of all, let me say thank you for completing your match! It was an enjoyable read and a fun diversion from the usual ‘grrr I hit you because I no like’ that you see a lot of.

It was an amusing plot, possibly better suited for a Scenario Hall match but from how it starts I’m not sure that was the intent. I am curious as to what Jon sold the pirate, or what he thought he was smuggling, but the mystery is still fun.

Jon, write more! Your posts were both pretty well done but lacked breadth. Your first post was an excellent setup and if you’d gone into any fighting detail beyond the charge at the end (I know, its a thematic setup for Raz’s post but….rubric) it would have elevated your Story score to a 4 at least.

Raziel, just watch the commas, I don’t really have much to say on your posts other than that and making it clearer what powers are in play. Also, make sure you’re not using equipment aspects for things they can’t actually do like the mobility augment.

All in all, this was a joy to read and judge, keep it up, both of you! I look forward to more matches!

With an amazingly close score, Raziel edges in the win at 4.05 points!

Hall Duelist Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Raider Jon Silvon, Seer Raziel
Winner Seer Raziel
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Raider Jon Silvon's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Seer Raziel's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue Mustafar: Mining Facility
Last Post 24 September, 2020 12:01 AM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Raziel Major Jon Silvon
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Some minor commas here and there and other things noted in the notes Rationale: Had some minor errors throughout both posts involving commas
Story - 40%
Raziel Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 Score: 3
Rationale: You had a lot of fighty bits, that was good. Rolled with the story and even took control of it in post two, as I saw no indication that this was a ‘secret team-up’ in post one. Rationale: While your first post had an excellent setup, it had zero combat, which means a net gain of none on that one. Your second post did some work but could have been ‘more’
Realism - 25%
Raziel Major Jon Silvon
Score: 4 Score: 5
Rationale: Two minor errors in your first post, detailed in the post comments. Rationale: No issues found
Continuity - 20%
Raziel Major Jon Silvon
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues Rationale: No issues
Raziel's Score: 4.05 Major Jon Silvon's Score: 3.97
Posts

Mustafar Mining Facility

Lava is mined as a precious natural resource on this volatile and volcanic world. The opposing gravitational forces of the twin gas giants closest to Mustafar tear apart the planet’s surface to reveal the mineral-rich lava flows underneath. Once serving as the capital world for the Confederacy of Independent Systems, remnants of their past influence still linger. Massive mining facilities—originally constructed by the Techno Union—are still maintained by the native Mustafarians, an egocentric people who would like nothing more than to squeeze minerals for the purposes of trade and commerce from their volcanic planet.

Other than in the pursuit of business interests, few arrive on Mustafar save for those needing to incinerate evidence in its vast expanses of magma. What little curiosity is given to the volcanic planet is thwarted by a natural scanning interference caused by intense geological activity. Pirates, smugglers, criminals and scum all value this world’s ability to dump bodies, tracked cargo shipments and other unwanted articles—the singular reason for the Black Sun’s interest in the Outer Rim world.

Droids, machines and conveyor belts create the workings of an efficient system to extract the minerals and have it prepared for refinement and transportation. Lacking a suitable surface, metal walkways are shielded against the heat to allow workers passage throughout the facilities. Even with the worst of the heat being shielded against, Mustafar’s temperature remains less than comfortable to most species lacking exoskeletons.

Beyond the blistering heat of the volcanic world, Mustafar served as the battlefield for the fabled final duel between Obi Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker.

“...And may I say once again, what a pleasure it’s been doing business with you all?” Jon finished in his best “Krayth-oil-salesman” voice. Even with the blistering heat bubbling up from the lava flow beneath the metal bridge they stood on, Jon didn’t let his well-practiced mask of friendliness break.

“Only for the fiftieth time, Silvon,” the weequay growled. Unlike Jon, the blistering heat was obviously getting to his latest client, who repeatedly reached up to rub the sweat out of his eyes. “Now, you have your Sith-blaster credits. Can we please get on with it?”

“Of course, of course Captain!” Jon replied, the grin never slipping from his face. Jon put out a hand to his side. Promptly, his newest acquisition - Jon was still thinking of a name for the shiny new Manga Guard, but for the moment was simply going with “Nameless” - obediently placed a datapad into Jon’s open palm, which the captain immediately held out the weequay.

“This has everything we asked for on it?” he asked skeptically, taking the pad in hand. Jon simply nodded, and the weequay grinned. “Well damn, what’d you have to do get this kinda information?”

“Yeah Jon,” a deep voice called out. “What did you have to do to get that information? I’m sure the Council will want to know.”

Nameless and the weequay both drew their weapons instantly, but Jon just sighed, lowering his head.

Wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

“Hey, Raz,” he called out, turning to face the armored Force disciple. “My friend, I am so glad you are here, I just finished tricking this criminal into confessing to -”

“Plotting against the Vatali Empress?” Raz replied, walking forward slowly. Every step of his armored boots echoed off the bridge like the keening of a massive bell. “Save the ‘clown’ act Jon. This isn’t going any further.”

“What the hell is - ”

You” Raziel hissed at the now-trembling weequay, “Shut it. I’ll take care of you in a sec.” At no point while speaking did Raziel slow in his slow, deliberate stride across the bridge.

“Alright,” Jon sighed, and began walking to meet Raz, signaling to Nameless to follow after him. “I’m gonna go out on a limb and say I can’t talk you out of this?”

Raziel said nothing, just continued his stride.

“Not even for half? It’s a lot of credits, Raz.”

“You’re not that stupid,” he replied.

“Eh, worth a shot,” Jon said with a shrug and a small grin. Raz was unreadable behind his helmet, his body language utterly unreadable.

The pair met in the middle, only a few meters between them.

“Would it make you feel better if I said it was nothing personal? It’s just a job Raz. We don’t owe the Vatali anything.”

“Odan-Urr made a promise Jon,” Raz said, his hand hovering just inches from his saber. “Now I can bring you in hot…”

“I don’t think even corpses get cold on Mustafar, Raz.” Jon shook his head. “Pity too. I paid good money for this droid.”

“Wait-” Raz said in confusion. “What?”

Before he could say another word, Nameless rushed past Jon, electro-staff already out and buzzing.

Here we go… Jon thought, drawing Kanshou and Bakuya.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2020 8:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Alright, this was a very enjoyable setup. I like the idea and general story going into it, very amusing. Utilizing the Obfuscating Stupidity aspect to try and fast talk to someone who obviously knows your character is always amusing.

Can Be Improved


The big one here is: lack of conflict. This was an excellent post for staging the story, but there’s no combat/conflict. Nobody swinging at one another, no Force powers, nothing, just some accusations and a precursor to conflict. You want to push for about half your post involving some kind of fighting, whether it be physical or Force usage. That said, again, an excellent setup on the story front.

Secondly, and much less of an issue, is repeated word usage. You refer to Raz as ‘unreadable’ twice in one sentence, which is rough. The other is your third paragraph, where Jon is handing over the datapad to the Weequay. It got a bit confusing trying to parse which ‘captain’ was being referred to at the end, and required a couple of re-reads to clear it up. Try to avoid confusing situations like this by changing up how you refer to characters.

“Well damn, what’d you have to do get this kinda information?” Also, seems like you lost a ‘to’ in here

Again, solid first post for Story, but next time let the droid and guy in armor actually duke it out a bit.

The slow approach was good for more than a couple of things. It set the tone, the pace, in fact, the entire atmosphere of the situation. It also allowed for that most vital of skills in conflict, observation.

First came the Weequay. A non-entity in the situation, and he wasn’t much more of one outside the situation; a glorified businessman with a blaster and a ship, nothing more.

Next was Jon, and he bore more planning. Armed with plenty of weapons, including some bulky bracers, he had plenty of ways to wreck Raziel’s day. That being said, his only close combat weapons were vibroswords, which weren’t built to stand up to even a grazing hit from the lightsaber currently finding its way into Raziel’s hand.

Finally, the droid. It was big, it was fast, and it was in motion. For a moment, Raziel didn’t know what he was dealing with, until the aura of energy surrounding the droid’s electrostaff sprang to life. Then, it was pretty damn clear what the score was. Magnaguard, built for melee combat, and with coprocessors fast enough to process fighting a Jedi.

”Force the defensive,” Raziel thought to himself, his icy lightsaber casting a juxtaposing light across his little slice of the volcanic world. ”Keep it between me and Jon.”

And so, that’s exactly what he did. Raziel rushed towards the machine, already moving his lightsaber in whirling orbits, each one meant to batter and assault the Magnaguard’s defense and prevent it from taking the aggression away. A whirling whip around the top of his head chained into a vicious downward slash before a wrist transition arrested that slash’s momentum and turned it into an uppercut.

===

Jon latched his vibroblades together at the pommels and held them in his left hand. “Yeah, I’m gonna need to borrow that,” He said, casually taking the blaster in the Weequay’s hand and leveling his aim off in an effort to get a shot past his droid. “Got a feeling we’re gonna need more gun for this problem.”

“You think, Silvon?” the Weequay snapped, backing away from the slowly encroaching hostility.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure. This, by the way, is probably the best time to run,” Jon replied, and took a measured step away to get a better angle for his shot. With a practiced ease, he set his greater plan into motion. On the inhale, he triggered the line on his left gauntlet, and watched it wrap handily around the Magnaguard’s feet. At the beginning of his exhale, he turned his hips and jerked, taking his own droid down. More than that, however, it exposed his true target, Raziel.

At the full release of breath, he stiffened his right arm and squeezed the trigger with the tip of his finger, easily mitigating the recoil and keeping him online for the second shot of his double tap.

===

Raziel was in motion, always in motion, when the droid suddenly hit the walkway. Instinctively, he swatted in a shielding motion with his lightsaber and caught the blaster bolt headed his way, before deflecting it harmlessly away. He caught the second bolt too, just not with his lightsaber.

A muffled grunt of pain escaped his helmet as he suddenly lurched back from the impact of the blaster bolt on his left shoulder. The armor ate the worst of it, but not all, and there was a lovely little flash burn under his pauldron to remind him of the fact.

From there, it was no holds barred. He tried to be civil. He tried to do this without enmity. Raziel swatted a few more blaster bolts as he rushed Jon, stepping on the droid and leaping off towards him to really drive the point home.

===

“Oh boy,” Jon mumbled, tossing the borrowed blaster pistol and whirling his blades around his body defensively. He’d made Raz mad, that was for certain.

“You sowed the wind, Jon,” Raziel called out in his dead rush.

“Yep,” Jon replied, turned his body into Raziel’s charge, and used a combination of both men’s momentums to throw Raziel to the ground. It was pure body mechanics, and he’d trained well enough in Shadow Step to know how to make them work to his advantage.

Which made things all the more difficult when Raziel didn’t fall on his face as was expected. “Mag boots,” he said simply, and Jon could hear the amusement in Raziel’s voice, even through the vocoder in his helmet.

From there, Jon felt himself being lifted up, and suddenly tossed through the air. A panicked glance told him he was on a Force fueled ballistic path towards one of the satellite control centers, and the transparisteel window that shielded it.

Ever quick witted, he twisted in midair and planed his body out like a flying hero from the holos. His left gauntlet spat blaster bolts, and a half-second before he hit the weakened transparisteel, Jon triggered the repulsor on his right gauntlet, shattering the glass before his face did.

A quick tuck and roll and he was back on his feet, just in enough time to see Raziel come leaping through the broken window after him.

===

There was no grace, no poetry to the leaping tackle. Such was not in Raziel’s bag of tricks. Just a heavy man in heavy armor, and he was as motivated to spear his target as he was to get away from the recovering droid.

He landed on top of Jon with a heavy smacking sound, bearing them both to the ground, but with Raziel in perfect position above him.

“Laying it on a little thick aren’t you, Raz?” Jon muttered, trying to get his breath back.

“I told you I wasn’t an actor when you asked me to help you with this,” Raziel grumbled a second later, having taken the time to tickle the vocabulator controls in his helmet with the Force, bringing the volume way down. “You think he’s buying it?”

“After what I put into this, he better. Now, haul me up and shove me, we need to buy time for him to break the landing lock on the ship.” Jon replied to him, and that sounded like a good idea as any, so Raziel did exactly that. Apparently, however, Jon was dead set on putting him on the ground, as the moment both men got to their feet, Jon triggered the repulsors on both gauntlets, sending Raziel skidding backwards on his backside.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2020 8:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


Well written combat, a solid and amusing continuation of the story. You were very descriptive and clear with your actions, though I’m curious what ‘perfect position’ means after landing on top of someone.

Can Be Improved


You’ve got a number of unnecessary commas cluttering the place up, and you could use some hyphens (electro-staff is a prime example).

“Oh boy,” Jon mumbled, tossing the borrowed blaster pistol and whirling his blades around his body defensively. He’d made Raz mad, that was for certain.

“You sowed the wind, Jon,” Raziel called out in his dead rush.

“Yep,” Jon replied, turned his body into Raziel’s charge, and used a combination of both men’s momentums to throw Raziel to the ground. It was pure body mechanics, and he’d trained well enough in Shadow Step to know how to make them work to his advantage.

Which made things all the more difficult when Raziel didn’t fall on his face as was expected. “Mag boots,” he said simply

Alright, you had two minor Realism errors here. First, you have Jon whirling his blades around his body; his hands are full of swords. How did he (attempt) to throw Raziel without grabbing him? Secondly, while your armor has a ‘mobility augment’ aspect, all this does is give greater traction, it does not make you stick to metal as mag-boots would. This is a separate aspect for the same slot, actually.

“Now, do us both a favor, Raz,” Jon said, keeping his vambraces trained on the down-but-not-out warrior. “Just stay there on the floor, friend. My associate and I will walk out of here, and you’ll never have to deal with us again.”

He spoke loudly, making sure his voice carried through the halls. He couldn’t be sure if the damnable captain could hear them or not, but he figured it was best to play his part just in case.

Friends?” Raz spat in a venomous tone, hauling himself to his feet (and really, how did he move so well in that bulky armor? Jon would need to ask about that later). “Is that what you call us? After this?”

“I’d like to think so,” Jon replied, smirking a bit. “Like I said before, it’s nothing personal.”

“Yeah well,” Raz said, in a tone that was just a bit too cheerful for Jon’s liking, “Neither is this.”

Jon had an instant to think Oh, Hell before he was hurled back through the now broken window, and towards the charred black ground. He fired off the grappling hook from his left vambrace, catching the edge of the broken window, and swinging down onto the earth, bracing himself against the shock of the hard landing.

A second later, Raziel came crashing down next to him, slamming onto the surface with neither grace nor finesse. “Was that strictly necessary?” Jon whispered in irritation, ducking under Raziel’s telegraphed saber-strike.

“Figured you’d want this back where the pirate could see it,” Raz replied, advancing on him. The pair’s fight drove them back against the railings overlooking the lava-flow beneath; consequently, it also gave Jon a good look at the weequay’s landing platform across the river, and Jon frowned.

Something wasn’t right, that ship of his had had more than enough time to get moving. If the captain was onto them then… “Ok, change of strategy,” Jon said aloud.

“What do you-” Raziel started, before Jon leapt over the railing and off the cliff. Jon could hear Raziel let out a strangled cry even as he activated his grappling hook, using his momentum to swing around, and up onto the bridge where the pair had left poor Nameless, still with his feet entangled. Jon took out one of his knives and cut the chord, even as he watched for Raziel to come after him.

“Up and at ‘em, buddy,” Jon said patting the droid on the shoulder. “I paid good money for you. Go forth and serve!” With a metallic cry, Nameless rushed toward Raziel’s location, electro-staff locking with lightsaber. While Raziel and Nameless occupied each other's attention, Jon put some distance between himself and them, and activated his comlink.

“What are you still doing here, Captain?” Jon hissed. “I don’t see that ship of yours moving, and if you haven’t yet noticed, my friend here is taking things a bit… personally.”

I’m moving as fast as I can Silvon,” came the reply. “Is the armored Jedi still on you?

Jon glanced over to see Raziel launching Nameless over one end of the bridge, the droid clinging on for dear cyber-life, before turning and rushing towards Jon’s location.

“Let me get back to you on that,” Jon replied. “Just get your damn hunk of junk in the air, will you?”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2020 8:48 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You kept the story moving and expanded on the combat. I’m not giving you a hit on the grapple line in your vambrace because I feel the item itself doesn’t clearly show if it has only one or two, while one was used previously on the droid.

Can Be Improved


Something wasn’t right, that ship of his had had more than enough time to get moving. Comma was not really the right move here. Semi-colons can be your friend!

Aside from that and a superfluous comma or two, the only thing that hurt your Story score here was the ‘aside’ moment of discussing things in parentheses. Internalize the thoughts (italics help!) rather than taking the reader completely out of the moment to ask a question.

Jon could clearly see Raziel bearing down on him, moving at a much faster pace than he’d set previously. There was something to be said for the shiny gray armor, reflecting the red light of Mustafar and the icy cyan light of Raziel’s lightsaber, as he kept coming. It left Jon frozen for a half-second, but a voice in his head, not instinct, but definitely imperative, told him to jump and dive.

Still running, Raziel let his lightsaber trail behind him, kicking up sparks in the metal walkway before he transitioned to the dirt, and at the last moment, hit his knees in a slide just as Jon was indeed leaping forward. Raziel let his blade dip low, possibly too low, but his opponent was slowing down.

Of course, Raziel was feeling it, too, even as he came up from his knees and kept on his sprint. Digging deep within himself, he tapped the Force and let it wash through him. He could have put on a burst of speed, and if he wasn’t trying to let the pirate get away, he would have. Instead, that pulse from the energy that bound the universe together served to refresh him and shake some of the tired from his muscles.

Behind him, blaster bolts peppered the ground at his feet and threw chunks from the rocks he ran past on his path towards the landing pad.

===

It was hard to hear over the whine of his blasters and the din of Mustafar, and hard to see for the thermal illusions and floating ash. Fortunately, Jon’s comlink was close enough, and plenty loud enough to catch his attention.

“Silvon!” his pirate ‘friend’ said, his voice tinny and staticky through the comms. “I finally have the ship up and running! I imagine he will have a harder time deflecting these cannons!”

“Sithspit,” Jon muttered quietly. That was not part of the plan.

“No, he’s mine! He owes me for the droid, that thing was expensive,” he added, feeling like he took entirely too long to give the excuse, despite it rolling off so easily as to be part of the same sentence. He always was his own worst critic.

With a shake of his head, he rushed off after Raziel, who was still demonstrating what an unstoppable force looked like in motion. Given that things weren’t going near as smooth as he would like, calling the audible seemed the most appropriate thing to do, even if it meant breaking plan and script.

===

Almost to the landing pad, Raziel saw the ship beginning to take off, far later than it should have been, and it left him wondering what the hell to do with himself since he really didn’t have a plan beyond trying to scare the pirate into working faster.

Fortunately, Jon had that part handled, though perhaps not as well as Raz would have liked; just as his right foot planted and he transitioned into the next stride of his run, a strong cable wrapped around his left ankle. With nothing to traction towards in that crucial half-second, the yank on the cord did a fine job of putting him directly on his face. The impact did a fine job of sending his lightsaber skittering away too.

He managed to roll himself over and watched as Jon approached, both gauntlets leveled directly towards him. “All you had to do was take the bribe, Raz,” Jon all but shouted. “But no, had to be all Jedi about things didn’t you?”

Another telekinetic tickle of the volume control in his helmet and Raziel’s voice was similarly amplified. “Not all Jedi about things,”

Jon’s mouth opened, but snapped shut as several small discs erupted from Raziel’s left gauntlet, all of them headed directly towards him. Since the Lanvarok was a notoriously inaccurate weapon without the aid of the Force, and since Raz wasn’t actually trying to kill Jon, it left him more than available to roll over, grab his lightsaber, and slash the cord around his own ankle.

===

The Weequay pirate watched all of this from the cockpit of the ship, but when one of the small discs came close enough to nick Jon’s face, and the armored Jedi still got to his feet, his voyeuristic tendencies melted away.

“Silvon,” the pirate said, keying the comm one last time. “I wish I could stick around and actually, you know, pay you for these goods, but it looks like I’ll just be drinking to your memory tonight.”

Before he fully lifted off, he saw Jon through the viewport extend one arm and give a curious gesture, one that told him all he needed to know about how Jon felt about people drinking to his memory while he yet drew breath. After that, however, it was clear sailing, just the way he liked it.

===

“Is the tracker live?” Raziel asked once the ship was out of sight.

Jon nodded as Raziel doused his lightsaber and clipped it back to his belt. “Yeah, and it’s wired into the nav system. Every time it updates, it’ll dump data packets to a secured digital account. I’ll have him mapped out and profiled within a week.”

Sounding more than good enough, Raziel doffed his helmet and took a swig from his canteen before offering it to Jon. “How much was the cargo worth anyway?”

Jon shrugged. “Beats the hell out of me, Raz. Aura said to grab the cases in berth twenty nine, so I did.”

“She said twenty five Jon,” Raziel replied, turning towards him more fully. “I was in her office when she made the call.”

Jon facepalmed and tossed a rock into the lava stream. “Sithspit!” he swore, and paced for a few short moments before speaking up again, this time in a far more controlled manner. “Raz, is your ship nearby?”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 1 October, 2020 8:49 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


A clear and concise ending is always nice, thank you for that. That it was made clear that both parties were ‘in on it’ means the sudden cessation of combat didn’t hurt you.

Can Be Improved


Your washing away of the fatigue could have been better explained. Healing can’t really ‘do’ that so I assume it was Control Self, but it didn’t explain how you did it. I can’t say it was your Surge feat because that runs counter to the feat itself, as you were recovering between fighty bits. This didn’t hurt your score but it didn’t help on the Story front. Maybe an explanation in the future of how its working, ie. adrenal glands firing or forcing your muscles to ‘clean up’ (I can’t recall offhand the name of the secretions that make muscles feel tired, sorry) would make it clearer.

Other than that, hyphenate numbers that have more than one word (unless its a 10’s).