Peacekeeper Ria'd Stesca vs. Privateer Sage "The Boss" Cormac

Peacekeeper Ria'd Stesca

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Zabrak, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Privateer Sage "The Boss" Cormac

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Zeltron, Mercenary, Scoundrel
Comment

Firstly, I would like to thank you both for your participation in the ACC. This battle was fantastic. Your storytelling skills, both of you, are quite something, and I found myself engaged throughout the struggle.

Let’s go over some of what I saw. As much as commas are the bane of our existence, they are only a minor thing when reviewing these battles. What hurt the scoring here (and this being directed at Aly specifically) was confusion around some of your sentences where the meaning of what you were going for seemed to have gotten a little lost in the wording. Not so, and it is only because it happened more than once that it turned into a significant detractor from your overall score. Do make sure you are getting your point across in a straightforward manner; a proofreader should honestly catch this type of error. In a similar vein, this directed more to Appius, do make sure to keep in mind what came earlier in the story when moving forward in the post. A major detractor came up when your character somehow ended up with his saber at his belt again, though it was never noted or made clear when it was he reacquired the weapon. This particular incongruity had such an immense impact on the story and how the fight ended that it could not help but stand out to me.

Alu, you hit a major snag with a Realism detractor in your first post. I made some comments in my notes for that post but will reiterate here. A Might 4 is great for beating down an opponent, however, breaking through rock? The character breaks an altar in half, shatters a boulder, and even punches a hole through the solid stone floor of the cave. This resulted in a rather big hit to Realism. As epic as the scene was, they need to maintain some form of realism else you are risking a substantial hit to your score.

Other than the above, I found very little to blemish the flow of the story. It had plenty of action, even some well thought out dialogue (though bordering on too much in Alu’s first post,) and both final posts had a clear winner. Alu, do make sure you are including more action, even in the scenario hall, your last post was very tame in that area. You manage some cinematic scenes that were very well put together, and both of you created quite the vibe in the description of the caves you found yourselves in. Overall, it is all quite picturesque in the telling.

As always, and, again, thank you both for your participation in the ACC. It was a pleasure judging your battle. Congratulations to Appius on the win, and I hope to see matches from both of you in the future!

Hall Scenario Hall - Ranked
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 7 Days
Battle Style Alternative Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Peacekeeper Ria'd Stesca, Privateer Sage "The Boss" Cormac
Winner Peacekeeper Ria'd Stesca
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Peacekeeper Ria'd Stesca's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Privateer Sage "The Boss" Cormac's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] Ahch-To: Raiders of the Lost Ahch
Last Post 8 October, 2020 8:09 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Mune Cinteroph
Syntax - 15%
Dr. Aru Law High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Minor punctuation. Major, a few cases of sentences poorly structured and poor word order that impacted readability. Rationale: Minor punctuation.
Story - 40%
Dr. Aru Law High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5 (Advantage)
Rationale: Exceptional Rationale: Exceptional
Realism - 25%
Dr. Aru Law High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 5
Rationale: Major detractors. See post comments. Rationale: Nothing of note.
Continuity - 20%
Dr. Aru Law High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 3
Rationale: Nothing of note. Rationale: Major, the character having his lightsaber without prior reacquisition of the lost weapon
Dr. Aru Law's Score: 4.2 High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 4.65
Posts

header

The ocean world of Ahch-To looks to be nothing but blue seas from the distance of space. Dotting the oceans, however, are chains of rocky island that jut upwards to form shallow, sloping mountain ranges with small, flattened plateaus. Rich green trees and other small flora grow along the sedimentary stone, untouched by anything more than small avian creatures looking for a place to nest. Carved into the stones of the various islands are sets of winding, ascending and man-made pathways.

The crisp, clean air that wisps off the ocean helps maintain a fairly mild temperature during the day, with a healthy chill at sunset. Storms have been reported to flare up from time to time, leaving only the highest points of the islands safe from a rising tide. Porgs litter the islands, the oceans teem with a wide variety of fish, and large, docile Thala-sirens loiter on the rocky shores.

Although better known as the legendary home of the Jedi Order, a species of small-statured amphibious natives live simple lives as caretakers of the Jedi ruins. The ruins themselves are primarily small collections of stone huts, although numerous hidden caves dot the islands. Some contain evidence of previous habitation; many more house strong Force auras with mysterious effects on sentient beings, particularly Force-sensitives.

Brotherhood investigators believe that Ahch-To may still be home to a number of relics hidden away by the ancient Jedi Order. Recently they have uncovered the location of what they believe to be a large cache of artifacts, hidden in a cave on one of Ahch-To's remote islands. This information is a closely guarded secret, and you have been handed the task of uncovering and retrieving these relics. Other members of the Brotherhood, however, have also learned of the artifacts location. Another agent has been sent to follow you and retrieve the artifacts for their own purposes.

The mission was a particularly odd one, especially since it was assigned to him by a Clan of the Brotherhood. However, one could never be too fussy when trying to make ends meet. Being a wanderer certainly had its many advantages. On the one hand, he got to see the universe in all its good and bad whilst helping as many people as he could along the way. On the other, it meant basic necessities such as food and water were often hard to come by.

Ach-To was a beautiful place and there was not a single cloud in the sky when he arrived. The fresh saltwater air flew across the island and into Ria'd Stesca's face. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply; truly, he could not remember a time where he breathed air so clean. It refreshed his hearts and soul until he remembered why he was here in the first place. Even the untouched trees and ancient ruins did nothing to calm the waves of nervous energy that ran across his body. He rubbed his index finger and thumb together, fidgeting.

Ancient Jedi relics had been discovered and were awaiting retrieval. It was a closely guarded secret and one that Clan Taldryan, his contractors on this occasion, preferred stay that way. Yet as he walked up the carefully placed stone stairs towards the cave the artifacts were held, something troubled him, or rather, someone.

He knew they were there. Whoever this was had been following him since he reached Ach-To. Why or for what was uncertain, but the Jedi had a very good guess…

Easy, Ria'd. Let's not jump to conclusions just yet.

The Defender finally reached the designated rendezvous point at the top of the hill, a cave carefully guarded by the native Lanai. As soon as he approached, they pointed their sharp, primitive spears directly at his chest which caused the Jedi to stop dead in his tracks. A bead of sweat dripped by the side of his face as the little amphibians chastised him in a language he could never hope to understand if he tried. With a careful, fluid motion, he raised his right hand up to them and began to speak in a calm yet soothing tone of voice.

"I'm not your enemy, you can let me pass."

He had no idea if it would work, but thankfully his little suggestion seemed to do the trick as the pair of guards casually shifted over to the side of the cave entrance like they were in some kind of trance. The Zabrak smiled and carefully entered, making extra sure to duck underneath the low ceiling so he didn't bump his head. Once in the main chamber, he rose up to his full height, and what he found inside was nothing like the world on the outside.

The walls were etched in a collection of symbols that he himself had never seen before, lit up by a myriad of torches that clung to the walls for dear life. They depicted a much different time in this place, and as his eyes scoured the walls, he began to piece the images together to form a story. A story of love and compassion, a story of hope and valor. A story broken by greed, loss and despair.

The story of the home of the Jedi Order on Ach-To.

He could have spent days there, studying and analysing the symbols from a time long forgotten. But something else drew his eye, a small chest in the middle of the room with the lid pried open. He inspected the contents, and his eyes shot wide open. Inside lay a collection of tomes and scrolls like Ria'd had never set eyes upon. Who knew what kind of knowledge these old documents contained? Who knew what kind of power they potentially kept? What good they could do in the hands of someone good?

And what damage they could do in the hands of those with less than good intentions?

The realization of his dilemma settled into him with dread. Who knew what Clan Taldryan wanted with them? What their goal was? Could it honestly justify putting these into their hands? The one who gave him the mission in the first place was steeped in the Dark Side of the Force. Could he trust them?

Still, these were questions he could answer later. Ria'd quickly picked up a scroll to inspect it and sure enough, there was more than likely a vast knowledge contained within, far more than he could comprehend. Unfortunately for him, it was locked behind a language he could not understand no matter how long he stared at it. He was about to leave with the chest when a hard thud drew his attention away.

He twisted around, turning to the entrance as the light from outside was completely blocked by a massive figure. The being was outrageously tall, a Zeltron, and built like a rancor judging by the bulk of his chest and arms. His legs were tall and slender, and his hair sported a multi-colour trend to it, brilliant blue with hints of white and purple in his locks. But perhaps the most striking detail was the horrifically flamboyant costume he adorned over himself. Bright, light colours, including pearly white trousers that could stand out in brightest sunlight, assaulted Ria'd's eyes and for a moment, he struggled to say anything.

"H-hello?" Ria'd finally stuttered out.

"How typical, a Jedi with no fashion sense. Where's your pride in yourself?" the giant man sighed dramatically as his yellowish-green eyes traced him from top to bottom. Truth be told, Ria'd had never considered a thing about his robes until that comment just now.

So this was the man that had been following the Defender.

"A shame, for a Zabrak you don't appear like much," quoted the red-skinned man.

"And you are overly large for a Zeltron," Ria'd carefully voiced. His thumbs and fingers rubbed together once again, but the relief was small. "My name is Ria'd."

"Sage Cormac," replied the Zeltron as he gave his smaller prey an evil smile. "But you can call me The Boss!"

If it wasn't for the Force's warning of impending danger in the back of his mind, Ria'd's nose might have been separated from his face. Thankfully, he managed to move out of the way just inches before the metal in Sage's right hand could connect with his flesh. The smaller man staggered back and tripped over the chest. He landed on his back and quickly scrambled away from hard punch directed right at his cranium.

This man, Sage, he was a lot faster than Ria'd expected him to be and he needed to act quickly before he was beaten into a pulp. He retrieved his weapon from his waist and activated the amazing blue blade that lived within. It illuminated the cave in a hue so bright it almost seemed to represent the Light Side of the Force itself.

Unfortunately for the Jedi, Sage was not stupid, and this was far from his first tussle with a Force-User. Instead of aiming a direct punch at him, he aimed for the hilt in his hand. His brass knuckler slammed into the steel hilt and sent it flying out of Ria'd's grip before he could use it to defend himself.

Sage smirked gleefully. To him, this was all too easy and this fight wouldn't last much longer. His experience in wild and ruthless cage fights throughout the galaxy would play into his advantage. Yet, as his fists moved as fast as a blur, his knuckles slammed into something invisible in front of him, and for whatever reason, he couldn't break passed it.

"The frak!?" he exclaimed. As he looked into the smaller man's face, he saw him gritting his teeth as he held firm against Sage's onslaught of punches. He seemed to be holding his breath, so Sage kept his momentum going, aiming for any possible weak spot he could find. Eventually, Ria'd would have to give sooner or later, and that was when he would secure victory!

His moment came when the Defender released his breath. Sage's right hand soared towards his opponent and for a brief second, the Zeltron thought this was as good as done.

That was until Ria'd sidestepped his punch and grabbed his wrist, allowing Sage's momentum and weight to carry him forward as he flipped him over onto the cave floor. The Jedi quickly took the opportunity to distance himself from his opponent and took several paces back until he touched the cave wall.

"Please, I don't want to do this. I don't even know why you are here," Ria'd said.

"I'm here because Arcona wants whatever the hell is in that chest," Sage replied whilst returning to his feet. "But right now, I'm more interested in you. You seem like a capable fighter. Let's find out just how good you really are. You swing on 'The Boss'... You better not miss!"

Ignoring his mission in his drive to prove his superiority, Sage lunged towards the Jedi with the speed of a running tauntaun.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 13 October, 2020 9:28 PM UTC

Positive Take-Aways

Fantastic opening post. You do a great job of drawing on the surroundings to build up a cinematic feel to your setting; then, you go that much further when you bring in the characters in no little way. You give them vibrant personalities right from the start, and even manage to get in more than one of your opponent’s Aspects, one of them in a rather amusing way—nothing like calling the fashion sense of the Jedi into question.


Needs Improvement

The post was mostly solid, though I would suggest some wording changes here and there for clarity’s sake. One such example is the following:

Inside lay a collection of tomes and scrolls like Ria'd had never set eyes upon.

This would have been bettered worded as:

Inside lay a collection of tomes and scrolls like Ria’d had never set sights upon.

As much as it is a minor change, it just flows a little bit better and comes up numerous times throughout your post, where perhaps a slight change in wording could have upped the quality of your writing (though it is up there as it is.)

The cave had irregular terrain, and it was slippery, preventing Sage from running at full speed towards Ria’d. Nonetheless, the Zeltron charged towards the Jedi who sidestepped with relative ease from his foe’s shoulder attack.

“I repeat,” the Zabraki Defender shouted, “I do not wish to fight with you. Perhaps we can come to an agreement.”

“Agreements are for cowards!” Sage uttered. He followed with a double swing of his fists towards the Jedi who dodged the first one but took the second in full force. The impact, however, was dampened by the invisible layer that he still held up with his concentration.

Ria’d tried to get some distance between him and his enemy once again. This time he positioned himself behind the small pedestal where the chest was located. By his feet was his lightsaber hilt, hidden from view to the Zeltron.

Sage pushed his head back and passed his left hand through his colored hair. He took off his brass knucklers and cracked his fingers.

“I’ll give you one chance to prove your worth.” He said with a deepened, more serious voice. The towering Zeltron followed by throwing one of his knucklers in the air in what was a clearly rehearsed move. He wore the other one on his right fist and caught the falling knuckler right on time to adjust it in his left hand. Immediately, Sage turned sideways and rose his right fist to his head level while his left fist rest on his right arm.

Ria’d was rather perplexed with the performance he had just witnessed. The Zabrak still kept the mission on his mind, though it had become much more complicated. The interest Taldryan had manifested in the relics was suspicious enough, and now Arcona had also sent for them with an agent of their own. His own interest in the relics touched his mind, tempted him with keeping them for himself. The Jedi quickly disbanded it. “That is not the Jedi way” he reminded himself.

“I have no quarrel with you.” He explained. “There is no reason for us to be fighting. We could work together.”

The gaze on Sage’s eyes was more than enough for Ria’d. He had no business with him. What could he do now? Conflict was more than certain. But should he fight? Killing him would only bring unwanted attention towards him, or Taldryan.

The Zeltron was keen on having him attack first. Was this a way to catch him off guard?

“I won’t attack you.” The Jedi finally said. “There is no reason whatsoever for us to be fighting. If you wan…”

Were it not for a hard press on his chest and the impending feeling of pain, Ria’d would’ve taken the full force of the attack coming his way.

With a last second jump backwards, the Jedi avoided Sage’s right punch, pulled way from behind. Almost against everything the Zabrak would believe possible, the giant Zeltron covered the distance between them in a split second. It almost seemed like he was flying, a rainbow-ish machine of destruction. Sage’s punch missed his target. It did land, however, on the chest and pedestal in front of him. The sheer force of his punch was enough to shatter the chest into a thousand pieces, and the impact kept through, cracking the pedestal in two. As the two broken boulders fell on the floor, the Zeltron straightened up and widened his shoulders.

“You move well. Just like any Jedi roach I’ve fought in the past.” He mocked. “And like every other in the past, I’ve crushed them with my two fists! You? Only a matter of time.”

He couldn’t follow up with his threats as the ceiling started shaking. Clouds of dust fell smoothly as cascades, and small rocks began crumbling down. As the falling stones echoed throughout the cave, the sounds deepened, and larger boulders soon began to fall as well. Ria’d avoided one. His nimbleness and quick reactions allowed him to sidestep towards the exit before it was too late.

Sage, however, wasn’t so lucky. His very large anatomy proved an obstacle when he tried to dodge some of the incoming boulders. And the Zeltron was more focused on preventing his white pants from getting ripped than his own body. A boulder hit, and then another, which he crushed mid-air with his knucklers. But it was all too much. Too many rocks fell from the ceiling. The Boss failed to see a large boulder coming from behind and his leg got caught. He was down, and very much trapped. And then darkness.


First, there was a blue buzz. Then a comfortable warm. And finally, a huge gasp for air, followed with coughing and cursing.

“Frack!” The Zeltron yelled. “Where am I?”

“We’re currently below the cave’s rubble.” Ria’d’s voice sounded from behind Sage, very tired, as if the Jedi had been running for days nonstop. Sage couldn’t turn away.

“What in the holy Gundark’s name are you doing here? I thought you had escaped.”

Ria’d struggled to answer. “I was going to…” he panted, “But I couldn’t leave you here to die.”

The stones above them moved slightly, the space available for them becoming tighter.

Sage lift his hands up. A small space allowed him free movement. The stones weren’t touching them. Even his leg was free now, though hurt from the initial impact.

“It’s that Force thingy you’re doing right?” He realized the jedi was preventing all the rocks from crushing them to death. “The thing you did earlier with me?”

“Yes!” Ria’d yelled. Not from anger or frustration, but because his strength was failing. How long could he hold them away?

“Damn! How are we gonna get out of here?” The Zeltron questioned. Though the Jedi couldn’t answer. The weight was too much now.

Ria’d’s safekeeping barrier shrank even more. Some stones on the sides fell on the cave’s floor. The echo emitted by them wasn’t natural. It came muffled, from…

“Below!” Sage yelled. There’s another cave below us.” The Zeltron knocked on the floor and tried to assess the thickness of the floor that separated them from the one underneath.

“Look. Can you lift the barrier up? If I can stand up I’m sure I can break a hole for us to go through.”

Easier said than done. Ria’d tried to answer at first, though the strain on all his body prevented him to. And he didn’t even try to speak, in fear of dispelling the lifesaving barrier that was keeping them alive.

Instead of expanding, his barrier closed more. “Is this it?” he thought. “Did I really need to step in? Now instead of one, two lives will be lost.”

The Jedi felt numb, his strength failing him. Before he could succumb to his fate, he felt a jolt. Not anything like he had felt before, but a sensation of happiness, calm and strong, indestructible. The Light! He opened his hands and let the Light do what it did best. Immediately, the invisible barrier that held them close to the ground rose high and held all the stones in the air.

Sage didn’t need more. He got up and then down again. Every punch used the full weight of his body. He cared not for the blood that run through his knuckles. He cared only for opening a hole. He screamed, hard. And so did Ria’d. The floor started cracking, and a joyful look on Sage’s lips was drawn.

The Jedi finally ran out of strength. And as the rocks fell on their heads, so did Sage open a big hole on the floor. He fell through it and pulled the jedi with him. The floor beneath wasn’t straight. It was a downward sort of tunnel, through which they both rolled, crashing into each other and the walls several times before landing on a wide-open cave.

It took Sage several minutes to regain his breath. He passed them laying down, belly up with his arms stretched out in the cave’s floor.

“Phew! You’re not half bad, horny Jedi. Hey! Are you alive?”

The Zeltron rolled and tried to find the Zabrak in the darkness. Touching his way through the floor, he managed to find Riad’s arm. Sage tried to find one of the Jedi’s hearts.

“It’s beating.” Though very slowly. “I have nothing to help him. Hmph.”

The Zeltron sat beside the fainted Zabrak and waited. Waited. And waited. Hours passed with no sound but his own breathing echo, and the occasional droplet in the distance.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 13 October, 2020 9:29 PM UTC

Positive Take-aways

Great storytelling. Your action is written in an engaging manner that is a lot of fun and even cinematic. You do kind of push the boundaries of what is possible a fair bit, though not so over the top as to suspend believability, at least for me. The dialogue in the last of your section does start to get to be a little much but works to get across the danger of what is transpiring.


Needs Improvement

Be wary of wording; some sentences were tough to understand what you were trying to get across and even a case or two where you got repetitive. The most prominent example of this acting as a bit of a stumbling point is the example below.

The Zeltron knocked on the floor and tried to assess the thickness of the floor that separated them from the one underneath.

You use floor twice here in one sentence. Though it is not difficult to get what you were trying to say, it felt unnecessarily repetitive. To expand on the above… there is a question of the character being capable of doing such a thing. With a might of 4 without the Force to amplify his strength, it is highly unlikely even with the knucklers. We are talking solid rock. Even were he to have the Force at his disposal, this one would still make us question the Realism. The character breaks rock multiple times in one post no less.

Drip, drip, drip, drip.

The sound of falling water echoing throughout the chamber was all he heard as consciousness returned to him. He opened his eyes and the immediate blurriness pained his retinas and high pitched screeching rang in his ears. He instinctively covered his eyes with his right hand which in all honesty, was nothing more than a futile attempt at relief.

"You awake, Jedi?"

A familiar voice rang out, though it was not one that brought immediate comfort. Ria'd tried to sit up, yet as he did he grunted loudly as sudden pain stopped him from moving any further.

"Not gonna lie, Jedi. I think we did a real number on this place. The cave above us collapsed and frak knows where we are now."

Ria'd carefully eyed his… enemy? Friend? He wasn't honestly sure at this point but at least the humongous Zeltron wasn't trying to punch him. That was certainly an improvement, right? Either way, he was surprised to see the flamboyantly dressed man still here with him. He had him pegged for the type to leave him for dead at the first sign of being able to save his own skin.

"That was impressive what you did, that Force thing you did to keep the rocks away? Don't see that too often from the space wizards I normally beat up," Sage commented without a hint of self-restraint.

Ria'd took the man's ramblings as a chance to recover from the damage he'd sustained during their fall. He placed his hands on his chest and closed his eyes as the soothing energy of the Force entered his body. It eased his pain and comforted him like warm honey. Thankfully, his injuries weren't too serious, some light bruising and friction burns that should only take a small amount of time to fix. After a couple of minutes, he finally rose to his feet.

"So… what do you make of all this?"

The Zabrak glanced up at the question and he stopped healing himself from sheer shock. His eyes opened wide as he inspected the chasm the pair of them were now. The revelation to him was absolutely astonishing.

What they'd discovered below Ach-To was an intricate series of networks and tunnels that led to an old underground abandoned metropolis, lit up by sparkling silver kyber crystals that dotted old ruins and cave walls and acted like natural light in the underground world. He heard Ach-To had its secrets, he heard Ach-To was the former home of the Jedi Order, but what they had accidentally stumbled upon was a literal civilization underground, far away from prying eyes. No matter where they looked, the walls of the many underground buildings had a collection of hieroglyphics so spectacular and mysterious that archaeologists could spend months studying them.and only scratch the surface of their meaning.

"By the Force… I don't believe it," Ria'd stated.

"Looks like some old Jedi stuff, know anything about it?" Sage asked as he crossed his arms.

"Nothing," Ria'd answered. "I didn't even know any of this was here. It looks like some kind of old abandoned city from the ancient days of the Jedi Order. Who knows what could be in there? Ancient relics, powerful rituals and artifacts… the possibilities are endless."

"Mhm, ok," Sage said. "Well, in that case…"

It was like the Defender knew the strike was coming, judging by how he moved out of the way of Sage's bloodied fist which was no doubt damaged from the escape they had made when he punched through the floor.

"Stop! We're both hurt! There's no reason for us to keep fighting like this!" Ria'd screamed as his voice tunnelled around the old city.

"That's where you are wrong, Jedi! There's always a reason to fight!" the giant Scoundrel retorted as he threw yet another haymaker in Ria'd's direction, only for the Jedi to deflect the attack with his open palm. "I've done nothing but fight all my life. Even against those, I thought were my friends, my family, the only people I could trust. Those same people sold me into the ring to fight to the death for a crowd's amusement all for the sake of a few credits. That's where I learned the only person I can count on is me, the only person I should look after… IS ME!"

He threw another punch, only this time, it connected with Ria'd's gut. The Zabrak keeled over as he spat over Sage's forearm, the impact of the brass knuckler bruising his abdomen instantly. Even despite his healing, he was still tired and hurt from his exertion earlier. The Zeltron grinned and pushed him hard into a nearby stone pillar.

"I appreciate you saving me, but it don't mean nothing. All it means to me is that you want me in your debt and that ain't happening! The Boss owes nobody nothing!"

He swung again with the full intention of breaking whatever bone his fists could connect with. Thankfully for Ria'd, he moved his head out of the way just in time before the steel could connect. It slammed into the rock behind him and left a large debt and crack in the fragile stone.

"Arcona wants this, and I'm gonna deliver big. Just like for all the ladies that have ever known me," Sage said as he grinned triumphantly. Unfortunately, his overconfidence would prove to blind him. As he threw his next punch Ria'd quickly grabbed the hilt at his waist as his lightsaber blade sprung into existence once again. Blue quickly drowned out the natural silver light of the crystals and before Sage realised what was happening, the Defender swiped his lightsaber across the front of his body with a quick flick of his wrist and severed Sage's left arm from his body at the elbow.

"GAAAH!"

Sage let out a blood-curdling scream and recoiled in horror at his now missing appendage. He clutched the singed nerve ends and dropped to the ground. With his knees to his chest and a slight tremble throughout his body, he did his best to push through the agony though the tortured, muffled groans said otherwise.

Ria'd remained paralyzed on the spot. He breathed heavily and kept the lightsaber ignited in his hands. He slowly looked down at the now severed arm before looking to Sage on the dusty floor. The Defender released the tension he held in his body with a long, drawn out-breath. He retracted the blade on his lightsaber and placed it back on his waist before quickly approaching the Scoundrel.

Sage didn't even realize what was happening. He was so focused on the pain it drowned out every other sense of his body. But then at one moment, it began to ease. It was gradual at first and then slowly began to numb. He stopped screaming and trembling and relaxed into this new feeling.

After a few minutes, he opened his eyes again as his senses came too. That was when he realised what was happening, Ria'd was knelt in front of him with both hands on his wounded ligament, eyes closed as the joint miraculously patched itself.

"Wha-what are you…"

"Hush," Ria'd interrupted. "I need to concentrate."

This carried on for another few minutes until Ria'd could carry on no longer. Both men stayed eerily silent as the only sound that could be heard were the occasional dripping of water and the gentle hum from the crystals.

"There… that's the best I can do right now. It's not perfect, but it should ease your pain until you can get proper medical attention."

The tall Zeltron slowly rose back to his feet and sure enough, his elbow twinged and ached as he held it tentatively, but it was far more tolerable than it was previously. He remained visibly shaken as he stared down at his arm on the floor and felt nauseous knowing he was now incomplete.

"Why did you help me?" the Zeltron asked bewilderingly.

"Because it's the right thing to do," replied the Zabrak, much to Sage's confusion.

"I know you've had a rough life, Sage. But it doesn't have to be like that forever," Ria'd said, swiftly changing the topic. "I'm not trying to put you in my debt, I never asked for anything. I only do what I do because I want to help, not because I want something in return. That's honestly what I think this universe needs, more people willing to help."

"You're naive,' Sage replied. "Most of the galaxy don't care. Everyone is selfish and nothing will change."

"But it can change. Not overnight, maybe not even in our lifetimes. But once the seed of kindness is planted and allowed to grow, the tree gets bigger and bigger and gets noticed, accepted, and things start to change. And let me tell you from my experience, people tend to like that kind of change," Ria'd said. "Sometimes a little act of kindness makes a big difference in a galaxy such as this."

"Like the difference between you cutting my arm off and killing me?" Sage inquired.

"Well… not exactly what I had in mind, but, sure, why not? It all has to start somewhere, right?" Ria'd smiled at him and sure enough, Sage felt a warm feeling emerge in his core . "I don't know what happened to you, Sage. But whatever it was that made you see the universe in this manner, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," Sage responded softly.

"I know, but it's something I thought you needed to hear," the Zabrak gently voiced.

Sage suddenly found it hard to make eye contact with him. "So what do we do about this?" he said, gesturing to the forgotten city with his one remaining arm. "Arcona and Taldryan are after Jedi artifacts. I'd say this is a pretty big artifact."

"We don't tell anyone about this," the Jedi answered. "This will be our little secret. I don't trust either Clan with what is here. The scrolls were destroyed and you lost your arm in the resulting cave-in. That's what you will say, and I'll just drop off Taldryan's radar."

"How do you know I'll play along?" the Scoundrel inquired, raising an eyebrow.

The only thing the Zabrak could do was shrug.

"I don't," he answered. "But I hope you will do the right thing. I know you can."

Ria'd didn't say anything more, and simply left Sage alone to try and find a way out. Whatever happened would be Sage's choice to make.

He just hoped he made the right one.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 13 October, 2020 9:30 PM UTC

Positive Take-aways

You again do a fantastic job with your storytelling. It is exciting, engaging, and has many elements one would expect from a well thought out story. You touch on more than one character Aspect throughout the course, but do so exceptionally well regarding your character, Ria’d and his rather kind nature. Of course, the kindness is not mistaken for being soft, as Ria’d so proved quite well. Fantastic work.


Needs Improvement

Continuity took a bit of a hit on this post when Ria’d has his lightsaber back. As the reader would note in your first post, the lightsaber is knocked from his hand and left to lie upon the floor. He indicated that he took notice of the saber later but never mentioned that he had picked the weapon back up. In your final post, he has it once again, and it proves to be the turning point and how he finds himself victorious over his opponent. You need to be wary of this kind of error as it is a significant detractor when it comes to scoring the match, especially between two fantastic writers.

Ria’d sprung to life with a sonorous gasp for air. His movements were fast as he struggled to find his footing in the dark. The adrenaline prevented him from feeling any pain for the moment, and his reactions were abrupt and unexpected as Sage tried to grab him.

“It’s alright.” He said, trying to sound amicable enough. “You’re safe.”

The Zabrak stopped and sat, his legs crossed in a meditational pose. First, he traced the location of his pain to his back and left leg. No blood, which meant he hadn’t been pierced or slashed by any sharp rocks. Then he searched his belt for his lightsaber hilt, although he did not find it.

“Here.” Sage said, throwing the hilt to the Zabrak’s location. His eyes had already adapted to the darkness of the cave, which meant he could see him relatively well.

Ria’d lit his saber, emitting a blue and warm buzz which allowed them to finally see each other.

“Whe… Where are we?” The Jedi inquired.

“Don’t know. All I can deduce is this place is quite big.” The Zeltron explained, which Ria’d soon came to understand due to the echo of their conversation.

“How long have I been out?”

“About two hours I would say. Give or take a few mins.”

“And why haven’t you left me?”

Sage laughed. “If I said cause I felt sorry would you believe me?”

“I think so.”

“Then don’t.” He replied. “I figured the best way for me to get out of here is with your help. You got them special powers to help you and that laser thingy.”

“It’s a lightsaber.”

“Yeah, that.” The Zeltron got up. “But don’t think I would’ve waited forever! I was getting ready to actually leave you.” He started moving slowly around the floor that was lit by the lightsaber.

Ria’d followed, staying close to the Zeltron. He too agreed that only together they would be able to leave the cave alive.

Upon a few minutes of walking, Ria’d noticed the floor had a sort of pattern in its carving. The Zabrak kneeled down to observe it carefully.

“Why are we stopping?” Sage asked, impatiently.

“These markings,” the Jedi pointed, “they’re carved.” “And?”

“It means a sentient creature made them. This is no ordinary cave.”

“Right. So wanna yell out for them? I can do that.”

As Sage prepared to yell in a mocking tone, Ria’d shushed him. He had felt something in the Force. A whisper. Calling out to him. He could now feel, or rather hear the way he was supposed to follow.

“It’s this way.”

The Zeltron followed, trusting the mysticism behind the Force user’s methods.

Surely, they found a staircase.

“We go up I suppose.” Sage commented. “Wonder what we’ll find.”

“This planet has been home to the Jedi for thousands of years.” The Defender explained. “I feel a very strong connection with the Force down here. I’m certain whatever we will find won’t harm us.”

“I thought you had been sent here to steal the relics.”

“Secure.” Ria’d corrected the Zeltron. “To prevent others from using it for evil purposes.”

“Hmph. Like me.”

“Like you.”

Both went silent for the rest of the way up the stairs. As they reached the top, a small doorway led to another room. It was a smaller room, circular in shape. Ria’d’s lightsaber wasn’t able to provide much lighting in this room, for some unknown reason. Before entering deeper into the room, however, the Jedi spotted a familiar object to his right. It emitted an ever so dim glow, although it was enough for him to discern what it was.

“Kyber!”

Sage was confused. He knew about the crystals but had never seen one.

“What are you saying that for?”

“That’s a kyber crystal.” Ria’d pointed. “I bet I can light it.”

Moments later, the Zabrak ignited the kyber crystal with his own lightsaber. The small mineral shone yellow and jolted a beam. It ignited another crystal, this time of blue color. And then another jolt and another crystal shone bright. Soon, the whole room was lit in a myriad of colors. All pointing towards the center, where an altar of gold stood.

Sage’s smirk was turn into a wide grin as his credit trained eyes spotted a glowing, floating piece of machinery on top of the altar.

“Careful.” The Jedi said. “This room can be trapped.”

The Zeltron walked proudly towards the center, ignoring the Zabrak’s warning.

“Didn’t you say you were positive nothing in here would harm us?”

As he finished speaking, he grabbed the small gadget. He stayed still and tense, in waiting of any possible trap to activate. But nothing happened.

“See? You should trust your own cult more.” He tossed it in the air and then caught it again. “Now, how do I open this?”

“That’s a holocron.” Ria’d explained. “It won’t open with brute force. Or any other conventional method for that matter.”

“Huh, so it’s one of those Jedi tricks you do.”

Behind the altar, a small tunnel led out of the room. As it went up, both assumed it would lead them towards the surface. And so, they followed it.

Ria’d was thinking about the inevitable conflict that was bound to happen once they got out of the cave. Although he still held some hope that Sage would cooperate and understand his reasons, the Zeltron’s actions didn’t transpire that same feeling.

After minutes of walking, the tunnel spiraled up, and the flickers of daylight were seen on the walls of the cave. And then on their face. The sun warmed Sage’s skin as he took a deep pure breath.

Both made it to the clearing where the first cave entrance, now collapsed, was located.

“Heh,” Sage grunted, “you’re really not that bad.”

Ria’d smiled. A pure Jedi smile.

“I can say the same to you.” The Zabrak pointed.

Sage threw the holocron towards Ria’d who caught it with surprise but relief in his face. “I knew you would come to it”.

“What are you going to say to your superiors?” The Defender questioned.

“That their intel was wrong. They won’t pay me but that’s fine. I’ll manage.” The large Zeltron explained.

Ria’d moved closer to Sage and raised his arm towards him. The Zeltron stood motionless, analyzing whether or not to retribute the friendly goodbye. Finally, Sage shook the Zabrak’s hand. And with a quick pull, Sage punched Ria’d in the stomach with all his might. His punch was so strong, the Jedi instantly lost his breath, and then consciousness.

Sage caught the falling Zabrak and left him leaned against a rock. He picked the fallen holocron and turn his back on his short-timed ally.

“Sorry about that.” He said. And left.

Adept Mune Cinteroph, 13 October, 2020 9:30 PM UTC

Positive Take-aways

Fantastic storytelling, as with your first post. The post was engaging and stayed interesting throughout. You also did a better job with dialogue in this one, it felt a lot more natural, and it did not dominate the post.


Needs Improvement

Very abrupt ending and very little combat in this particular post. Even in the scenario hall, there should be a more significant amount of action in your post. However, the post was good, as the storytelling was top-notch and very engaging. You also have a fair number of fairly clunky sentences and difficult to read; a proofreader should catch these. Another thing that was a bit off in your post would be the knock out punch. It is a little doubtful that a gut punch will knock someone out.