Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr vs. Savant Von Ricmore

Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Chiss, Sith, Sorcerer, Imperial
vs.

Savant Von Ricmore

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Vizsla
Male Skakoan, Force Disciple, Defender, Mandalorian
Comment

Thank you both for competing in the SARLACC competition and completing your match.

I do not exaggerate when I say this match was a roller coaster. While slow to start climbing the hill both authors introduced new plot elements with a massive loop at the end. This is both a good and a bad thing. Overall you both can improve upon your pacing, namely keeping a healthy amount of action going throughout. Each post needed combat is a hard rule of the ACC but in more general terms dialogue and exposition should be employed in natural pauses and not slow down the pace too much or risk losing the reader’s interest. Sometimes the editing process and what you cut from a post is just as important as what you put in.

Speaking of editing, syntax issues are an area where you both lost some easy points. While self-proofing is not recommended taking a break from your writing then coming back to read it fresh with a critical eye can catch a lot of errors as can reading posts aloud. Reading aloud not only helps with syntax but can also improve the flow of your prose and dialogue.

There was a close call with realism in regards to the creatures using the Force. While that is a creative application of the SARLACC competition rule that you can create modifications to the creatures the judging staff was somewhat confused as to what particular Force power was being depicted. I read that particular scene as a rudimentary application of mind trick. This is something to bear in mind in your future matches. Always strive for clarity.

Again, thank you both for participating and I look forward to seeing future matches from you.

Von Ricmore is the winner

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr, Savant Von Ricmore
Winner Savant Von Ricmore
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Battlemaster Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Von Ricmore's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 23 January, 2021 10:58 PM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: You had a number of capitalization errors, typos and punctuation mistakes that became distracting but didn’t rise to the level of distorting the meaning of your prose. Rationale: There were a healthy amount of spacing errors in your post (smashing words together) that caused me to step back and have to re-read sentences. You also had some typos and punctuation issues.
Story - 40%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Your last post modified some plot elements given by your opponent and had strong combat descriptions but overall you were hurt by not having any action in your opening post. Rationale: Your initial post had a slow start but brought some strong action in the latter half. Your ending post was exceptionally creative but a bit jarring as a reader. See my post comments.
Realism - 25%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: Under the rules of the SARLACC competition your modifications to the creatures were permitted but in a normal match might have garnered you a realism error. Just something to be aware of. Rationale: Under the rules of the SARLACC competition your modifications to the creatures were permitted but in a normal match might have garnered you a realism error. Just something to be aware of.
Continuity - 20%
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr Reaper Hector Von Ricmore
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Warlord Brimstone aka Seabr'imsto'nedansr's Score: 3.9 Reaper Hector Von Ricmore's Score: 4.17
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Soon after the Firespray touched down on the surface of Uskil, the grasses of the landscape bent in fear of the engines thrust as the landing gears made contact with the surface. Moments later, the landing bay lowered and extended to the surface. Two individuals walked off the plank and stepped onto the ground. One dressed in Beskar armor typical of a Mandalorian, the other in a normal set of Shadow Academy armored robes. The Chiss, dressed in Beskar, turned back towards his ship and signaled at his droid inside. Seconds later, the ramp lifted up and sealed the ship. “Just in case any of these escaped creatures want to make a nest in the ship, we don’t need any surprises when we come back.”

The Skokoan nodded his head in agreement. He adjusted his voice controller on his chest and uttered “agree” at his fellow clan’s mate. By his stout stature, he stood over the Chiss by a head's length. Brimstone checked his armor, which he was still getting accustomed to. Formerly of the clan Plagueis, he had recently joined Vizsla, the Clan of Credits as many have called them. To his sides were both of his RK-3 blasters, as well as the hilts of his two lightsabers. Von carried only a curved handle lightsaber, similarly fashioned like the late Sith Lord, Tyranus.

“So from what I take it from the intel, the Corrino Research Lab lost a lot of beasts they were studying when the planetary invasion happened a few months ago” spoke Von as he pulled out a datapad with a list of creatures on it. “Which should we check out and see if we can capture?”

Brim looked over the datapad. “Well we can count out the Acklay, the Rancor, and especially the Krayt. None of those will fit in my cargo hold for us to transport. How about a Lylek?. They are a little smaller and perhaps we can get more than one of them.”

“Sounds good to me.” Von pulled up intel on the creature: Pincher legs, venomous barbed tail, lives in packs. “Looks like we just need to watch out for its tail and being overrun by a swarm of them. They also prefer cavernous surroundings.”

“Well from the layout of this area, there is a mine nearby. Looks like as good a place as any to take a look and search for them there” replied Brim as he adjusted his visor.

The two Vizslans proceeded to head west towards the mines the Shadow Academy were using. It was only about 5 kilometers of walking to it. Along the trot to the mines, they came upon other creatures that skittered away from the sight of them. Brim would pull out a blaster every now and then just to target practice. The day was still bright from the overhead sun. Brim’s armor was surprisingly comfortable and not overheating as he thought it might be. Being a Chiss, he kinda missed the cold climate of the CIS Tundra Station he previously lived in. Here on this planet, it was too humid and swampy for his likening.

After about an hour’s trek, they came upon the mines, a multitude of pits carved out of the ground. Both of them took secured spots to scope out the surroundings and check for life or creatures they were on the hunt for.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 January, 2021 4:04 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Soon after the Firespray touched down on the surface of Uskil, the grasses of the landscape bent in fear of the engine's thrust as the landing gears made contact with the surface

You did a good job establishing the scene in the mind of the reader.


Can Be Improved

This post had a noticeable amount of syntax errors such as missing capitalizations and comma issues. Nothing that disrupted the meaning of your sentences but things that another pass with proofing would have caught.


Even though this is a coop match every post need to have action in it per the ACC rubric. Not having action in your post is a story detractor.

“Before we enter, allow me to thank you for accompanying me in this matter. I have previously encountered a Lylek and appreciate your assistance,” Von warbled.

“Any intel you have could prove useful. What did you learn?” The Chiss inquired.

“It has been some time since I faced one, during a previous Great Hunt. I was lucky enough to catch the beast alone; perhaps that had been the intention of Declan Roark and the rest of the organizers; it wouldn’t do for the hunt participants to be denied their shot at glory by an overwhelming swarm.” Von revealed.

“Your demise would have been quite unfortunate.” Brimstone remarked.

Von let out a raspy, mechanical laugh. “Indeed. Now where was I? Ah, yes. While the obvious threats are the tentacles, venomous tail and mandibles, do not underestimate the strength the beast possesses. I nearly lost an arm failing to dodge one of its legs.”

Brimstone quirked an eyebrow at the tale. “Then let us avoid repeating your mistake. Have you prepared yourself to enter the mine?”

“Wait just a moment. On your ship I spotted what appeared to be a combat droid. Mind calling it over here?” Von asked.

“Are you sure that’s wise? The droid is optimized for longer range engagements. A blaster sniper rifle won’t do much good in the cramped quarters of the mine.” Brimstone answered.

“Probably not. But the blaster pistol at its hip would do fine. Why not have the droid lead the way? Anything bad happens to it, well, better it than us.”

The Chiss gave a hum of agreement before activating his commlink.

“K’ebatas, I need you to meet up with me at the mine on the planet’s surface. I’ll send you the coordinates. Don’t forget to seal the ship before you leave.”

A tinny voice answered. “Affirmative, master. With my arrival our odds of success increase to nearly a hundred percent, barring any error from your inferior meatbag forms. I will arrive within half an hour.”

Brimstone grunted in confirmation. He turned to address Von; “We should perform some reconnaissance before Keb arrives. Shall we see what the Force tells us?”

“That is agreeable.”

The pair sat cross legged and closed their eyes, opening themselves to the Living Force, the energy which binds the various creatures of the galaxy together.

Von could make out several signatures, easily enough to account for a dozen lylek. But something felt strange, odd, almost muted? The signature baffled the Skakoan. It was clearly larger than the other lylek, yet it lacked the same presence, as if it was devoid from the life energy that creatures posses. The creature emitted an aura, a presence which crashed down upon him.

The aura shattered any concentration the pair had; they fell over, startled, into a tangle of limbs.

“Well, that could have gone better,” The Skakoan remarked.

“I do believe we have found the objective for this mission. We must capture that bizarre lylek, alive if at all possible.”

“I doubt that will be an easy task.” Von stated.

“You believe the beast to be a match for our abilities? And the droid?” Brimstone inquired.

The tactican shook his head. “No, I believe we are up to the task. It is a matter of environment. We will be fighting in an enclosed space against a dozen formidable creatures, and without much of our ranged capabilities.”

The Chiss blinked in surprise. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You and the droid should refrain from using any blaster or projectile weaponry while inside the mine. We aren’t quite sure if the mine was used for something explosive like baradium. Even if it is not, many heating sources such as liquid tibanna are also highly explosive. I’d recommend giving the droid the blade you carry and only using your sabers while inside the mine.”

Brimstone pondered the issue. Von’s plan would deprive them of quite a bit of combat strength, which did not sit well with him at all. Still, his concerns had merit, and Von had already proven his capabilities as a strategist and a leader.

“You seem quite knowledgeable about the subject. Are you some sort of expert in explosives?”

“Nothing of the sort. I have spent years at the Shadow Academy studying the art of war. Logistics make up quite a large part of conflicts. I couldn’t possibly tell you how to make an explosive, but I learned that liquid tibanna was used by the Republic to heat bases while the Galactic Empire made use of baradiun in many of their engagements.

Brimstone considered the plan quietly, lost in a world of his own thoughts so deep that he almost didn't hear the mechanic clang of K'ebatas' footsteps approach him.

“Greetings, master. Are we ready to enter the mine?” the droid said bluntly.

“A moment Keb. I’ll agree to this plan of yours, Von. It better not come back to bite us.”

He walked over to K’ebatas before unsheathing Rin’hi, his sapphire blade. “Use this while inside the mine Keb. We don’t want to risk any possible explosions. That means no blasters either.”

The droid took the weapon and remarked “An excellent idea Master! This should bring our odds up a whole five percent.”

Von and Brimstone drew and ignited their sabers; beams of emerald and amethyst appearing from their hilts.

With a semblance of strategy in place, the trio entered the mine. K’ebatas walked in front as a potential deterrent to any harm that could befall the organic members of the group. Brimstone moved behind him, his dual blades would allow him to inflict more damage quickly than Von with his single blade. The Skakoan brought up the rear of the formation, his sensory abilities and precise fighting style allowing him to more easily work around his more offensive comrades.

“I sense a lylek approaching. Be cautious, the small numbers mean each of these lylek were strong enough to slay and consume their brethren,” Von warned.

Click, click, click. Hisss

The trio heard the creature before they saw it.

Tenfeet tall, with six spiked legs, a pair of mandibles, two wispy tentacles, and a venomous tail. The lylek made quite a sight as it scampered towards the group, the creature beingso large that its head almost scraped the ceiling of the mine. Its tough chitin shell was covered with a number of strange crystal growths that hummed ominously against the walls.

K’ebatas rushed to meet the creature, pushing down off its right foot and nimbly dodging around the lylek’s front leg which attempted to impale the droid. Gripping Rin’hi with both hands, the droid brought the blade down, though it proved ineffective against the lylek’s carapace as it slid down with a screech.

“Our odds of success have decreased by ten percent.” The droid complained before backpedaling as the lylek attacked.

Brimstone raised his right hand and pushed it forward, causing an invisible force to slam into the front right leg of the lylek. The force tore completely through the leg, severing it, and causing the unbalanced lylek to topple to the ground.

Von rushed forward and brought his lightsaber down upon the head of the creature, killing it instantly.

“That wasn’t so bad, perhaps we’ll make it through this after all,” The Skakoan remarked chipperly.

Von felt a sudden wave of exhaustion settle over him out of nowhere. The fight was finished and he could take a moment to sit down, maybe even curl up and sleep. It seemed like a good idea right now...

He sat down and began to drift away. He didn’t need to worry about the mission, Brimstone could handle that. All he had to do was relax and….

"VON!"

Brimstone’s shout shook Von from his daze. As he turned towards the Chiss he noticed the crystals on the lylek emitting a soft green glow.

He stood startled. The feeling of apathy had receded but the exhaustion remained.

“T..the creatures” Von stuttered out before reaching a hand down and adjusting his suits voice controller. “The creatures seem to be capable of wielding the Force in some capacity. I was overcome with this sensation of apathy alongside a bone deep exhaustion and weariness.”

The Chiss frowned behind his helmet. “That’s very worrying. Especially if the creatures can use it in the middle of combat.”

Von nodded. “I should be able to keep the exhaustion from affecting us alongside preventing any tiredness from our physical exertions. The link will require my concentration to maintain; I won’t be capable of facing more than one of the lyleks at a time while it's active.”

“You won’t need to worry about that Von, I’ll keep the creatures from swarming you,” Brimstone reassured. “But what about the mental effect?”

“I’m afraid I can’t do much about that if you want me to be combat capable. There is a more advanced link I could form but that would also link us emotionally. Against a creature that can induce apathy? That would be a death sentence.”

“I see,” The Sorcerer replied. “We may need to be aided by an outside source than. K’ebatas, if you notice either Von or myself acting sluggish do your best to snap us out of it immediately.”

“Affirmative, Master," the assassin droid stated. "This course of action pleases me. It increases our odds of success exponentially.”

Von gathered the Force within himself, expunging the artificially weariness which had settled upon him. He then extended this cleanse to Brimstone, pushing any foreign influence he could find from within the Chiss. He let out a wheezing sigh of relief.

“I’ll do my best to keep the creatures from affecting us. Let’s move forward.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 January, 2021 4:06 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

While the post had a slow start you really brought the action in the last half. Keeping the action moving in a mid-post is definitely something you’ll want to do more of in future matches. Also, the plot twist of the creatures possibly having Force abilities definitely caught my attention as a reader. The SARLACC competition gave leeway for you to come up with modifications to the creatures and you took advantage of it. Naturally introducing new plot elements is a big part of how mid-posts are evaluated in the story dimension.


Can Be Improved

The tactican shook his head.

I’m not going to belabor the point on syntax here but you had a number of very noticeable typos in this post with things like words mashed together. This particular spelling error had me imagining a holo-commercial for a “tact-i-can” combat trash bin product.


Pacing is another area for improvement with this post. Second posts can be challenging but a piece of advice to carry into future matches is to always try to put yourself in your reader’s shoes. Posts should flow together and mid-posts should ideally keep the action going from the first post. When the opening post doesn’t give you a lot of action you still need to pick things up right away and fit in plot elements within natural pauses in the action as you can. It is a common temptation to slow things down and do some intro-post style exposition in the second post of a match before getting back to the action. All of this is to say that you wrote this post like an opening post when a mid-post should either continue or get right to the action.

The sudden loss of queasiness and the refocusing in his mind concerned the Sith. He hated the feeling of anyone, much less a creature, controlling his emotions or mind. The last time was when the Grand Master of the Brotherhood a few months earlier had used on everyone when he destroyed the Collective. Brim took a long look at the carcass of the fallen Lylek and watched it closely. The green hued crystals embedded in it continued to pulse its energy and lit the cavern. He knelt down and with his blade, carved out one of the crystals. It began to “sing” its connection to the force to the Battlemaster. Tapping into the connection, he could read its pain and suffering as if it was being held captive against its will.

“These are kyber crystals, Von. Looks like the Shadow Academy has some explaining to do, trying to incorporate these into unstable beasts.”

“Then that is why the sudden rush of empathy that overcame us. It was defending itself upon its death.”

Brim held the crystal a few seconds longer as it flickered then its light faded away as if dead. “I expect for us to capture a creature alive, we would need to disconnect it from these crystals and break their connection to the force” he replied back. He stood up and could see approximately 5 other crystals embedded in its chitin carapace. “From what you sensed, I expect the hive mother would have at least a dozen of these in her.”

The three of them continued into the cavern, reaching out in the force to sense for other creatures. The Force was strong within the cave. Different tunnels led outward like a web of an arachnid. They both knew that even though most of them were about 3-4 meters in height, the main chamber, which probably housed their target, was going to be enormous.

K’ebatas was in his hunting stance as he led his master and his ally into the other caverns. Dark and musky, the stench of algae and the decay of mostly eaten animal carcasses laid strewn along the path. His sensors, where his “eyes'' would be, scanned for any resemblance of life as he tracked the cave. It was making the calculations as fast it could of any incoming attacks as it hunted. It kept the sapphire blade in its left hand as it studied the terrain, adjusting its leg servers and rotors with every step in the awkward flooring. Both Brim and Von found the terrain difficult to traverse between the protruding rocks and the slime of algae all over the place. Brimstone’s visor had already been switched over to infrared for the dimly lit tunnels.

Minutes passed and they came up on another Lylek that had its back turned towards them. Von motioned to Brim to take the left side and he would circle from the right. The droid was staying in the center as they approached the creature. Before they could act, the crystals in its hide started glowing and in a split second later, the creature’s tail lashed out, hitting the droid dead center of its chest, hurtling him backwards into the tunnel they were just in. K’ebatas landed with a metallic thud onto the ground. The creature started to turn and let out an angry roar with it’s mandible mouth. It’s tail swung near the Chiss who parried with both of his blades and proceeded to sever it from its host, dropping it to the ground as it twitched and flailed. The creature roared out once again in anguish as it tried to stab at the both of them with its legs.

Von jumped out of the way to his right and landed awkwardly. The sense he felt before in their previous encounter was fighting through his mind’s barrier as it tried to lay siege on his senses. Moments later, the huge head and opened mouth came towards him to bite and he, out of instinct, uppercutted his emerald blade into the lower part of its gaping mouth, impaling it straight through. As it was coming crashing down in front of him, the Skakoan saw a blur of a red blade fly past the front of him and to his rear. He spun around to see the lightsaber impaled into another lylek’s head, which was coming from the side into the cavern. That creature didn’t get a chance to bellow out its roar as it dropped face first into the ground next to the other creature.

Brim motioned with his hand and pulled with the Force to retrieve his blade he had hurled.

“That was close” he exclaimed.

The droid had made his return, showing the indent on its chest from the impact. “I show I am still at 92.7% fully functional master” it said.

“It looks like they are now going to hunt us apparently. I can’t believe we fell for their trap and lured us like that” spoke the Savant as he stood up, wiping the blood off his armor.

“By my calculations, the next encounter has a 82.1% chance that we will be facing three the next time” spoke the droid.

“Thanks!” replied Von sarcastically.

“You are most welcome, Sir.”

“Then I think we need to get this out in the open instead of in their advantage” spoke Brim, “I think it is going to be easier if we can force them to follow us back outside and take them on where we can use all our advantages, including the Force.”

“I agree, but how do you expect us to do that?” he replied.

“K’ebatas, give me my blade back and give us a thirty second head start to get out of here. I want you to go in guns blazing and create as much havoc you can in the caverns. Since you are a droid, any volatile gases are not going to affect you if they erupt or enflame the cavern.”

“So we burn and turn, correct?”

“Yup. Burn and Turn.”

The two Vizslans proceeded back the way they came and after they got close to the entrance, a minute later the comlink in Brim’s helmet rang out.

“Incoming Sir.”

Both made it outside then turned and watched the entrance, waiting for whatever came rushing out. Brimstone had both blasters out as Von reached out with the Force to sense the incoming numbers coming.

“I feel there are six coming, possibly your droid if it ain’t already destroyed.”

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 January, 2021 4:06 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“These are kyber crystals, Von. Looks like the Shadow Academy has some explaining to do, trying to incorporate these into unstable beasts.”

I like how you took the plot element your opponent gave you, the creatures’ Force usage in this case, and expanded upon it. That is precisely what you want to do in a mid-post.

Your combat depictions were also a bright spot and definitely a highlight of the entire match.


Can Be Improved

The latter part of your post felt like it might have been too much dialogue under the circumstances. Having characters talk that much somewhat takes away from danger and thus lowers the dramatic tension probably more than you would intend. In future matches consider trimming the dialogue down in situations like this where you want the audience to be on the edge of their seats.

Pew Pew Pew!

The pair could hear the echo of blasterfire from K’ebatas as they prepared themselves to face the creatures Von had sensed. They stood side by side, lightsabers at the ready.

Boooom

A massive explosion echoed through the mines, causing the earth to tremor. Taken by surprise; the Force wielders stumbled, only able to keep their footing due to their preparation for an assault.

The mine itself had begun to collapse, the ceiling caved in burying the entrance in rubble.

Von took a deep breath before letting out an explosive sigh. “And that Brimstone, is why I wanted to avoid using projectile weapons inside the mine. It wasn’t the explosion that I was truly worried about, but getting caught in one would be quite unpleasant. It was being buried alive in the cave in. Or in this case, being unable to collect a specimen due to all the rubble!”

Brimstone felt a little sheepish at that. He had, after all, explicitly ignored Von’s recommendation and likely sent his droid to its demise; and now the pair would need to find a new way to reenter the mines.

His musing was interrupted by yet another massive tremor shaking the earth around them. This tremor was quite different from the last one. Instead of rocks collapsing inward a new entranceway rose out of the ground.

Von and Brimstone stared incredulously at the entranceway.

“Von, are you also currently seeing an entranceway that appeared from the ground?” The Chiss asked.

“It appears so. Perhaps it is the will of the Force trying to make up for your screw up?” Von ribbed.

“Can it Von. We may as well investigate the entranceway. Perhaps there is hope for this mission yet.” Von entered the entranceway first. After the previous fiasco he did not trust Brimstone to follow his advice, he may as well lead the way and minimize the risk. His lightsaber bathed the cave in an emerald light, which reflected off the various rocks and crystals jutting out from the walls.

The duo proceed down a series of long, narrow, winding passageways, before arriving at a descending staircase. The stairs were uneven, as if created through natural means. They descended the staircase and proceed through yet another hallway.

Von exited the hallway into a massive cavern. Light sparkled and bent off the variety of Kyber crystals which filled the cavern. Within the center of the chamber lay a truly massive lylek. It lay prone with its back split completely open. But that wasn’t the truly impressive thing. At the end of the room was an utterly enormous throne constructed of chitin, stone, and kyber. Upon the throne sat a strange humanoid, the likes of which neither Von nor Brimstone had ever seen before. Green chitin scales covered a feminine form. A long prehensile tail wrapped around the throne. A pair of mandible-like horns jutted out of the sides of its head. The Force sang with life, pulsing between the kyber crystals and the enthroned figure. Even without attempting to actively sense the creature both Von and Brimstone could feel a sense of strength from their proximity.

“Greetings Master Jedi. I welcome you to my humble abode.” The figure called.

Brimstone and Von guardedly approached, sabers still in hand. The figure eyed the blades before letting out an amused chuckle.

“You can put the blades away. I have no intention of harming you. I have a proposition to make.” She stated while leaning forward.

“Let me handle this,” Von whispered as he gave Brimstone a nudge.

“What are you doing?” The Chiss whispered back

“Can’t you feel it? We can’t possibly fight her. Might as well hear what she has to say.” Von replied

“You mentioned something about a proposition? I’m sure that we can come to an agreement.” The Skakoan inquired

The being smiled. “I’m so pleased you decided to hear me out. As you can no doubt infer from the husk behind you I am the queen of this hive. I presume that my former captors, whoever they may be, sent you to drag me back in chains. I’ll be frank, I have no intention of being caged ever again; you will not take me back to my captors.”

“You are aware that we can’t return empty handed?” Von interjected.

“Naturally. I will create a path and allow you to capture one of the larger specimens of the brood. I will also stop sapping your strength. I thank thee for aiding in my evolution. In turn I expect you to keep my existence secret, you can take the shell and claim I perished during your expedition.”

“We find this arrangement agreeable and thank you for your kindness great queen.” Von claimed as he bowed deeply.

Von ignited his saber and removed several chunks of carapace and kyber from the husk of the queen. The pair then exited the chamber following a path that the lylek queen created for them through the Force. Before long they found themselves before a massive lylek which hissed threateningly at them.

“Go for the legs!” Von shouted. He allowed the Force to flow through him before rushing towards the creature.

The lylek reacted quickly, augmenting its own speed through the Force, as it slammed one of its front legs into Von. The leg moved so quickly that even to the Force users it was nought but a blur.

The strength of the blow threw Von into the wall of the cavern. The Skakoan let out a shout of pain that quickly turned to gasps and wheezes as his suit ruptured. He leaned back against the wall and gathered the Force within him; doing his utmost to prolong his survival until his suit could be fixed.

Blue lightning crackled along the surface of Brimstone’s hands. He raised them towards the lylek and let loose a deluge of lightning.

The creature scrambled back, snarling and hissing, trying to put distance between itself and the pain which wracked its form.

Brimstone continued his assault, letting loose a second barrage of lightning.

The creature continued to move back until it could move no further; stuck up against the wall of the cavern.

Taking no more chances Brimstone fired a third and then a fourth barrage of lightning. The creature was utterly consumed with pain, curled up in a hissing, wailing mess. Brimstone ignited his sabers and swung them downwards; removing the tail and legs of the creature. He then turned to check on his ally.

“Are you doing alright Von?” The Chiss asked in concern.

“I’ll live.” The Skakoan gritted out. “I can reduce the effects of exposure and keep the pain away for now. I need to get to a healer soon.”

Brimstone nodded. “We’ll get you there. Just let me gather the lylek.”

Reaching out with the Force, Brimstone enveloped the lylek, levitating it off the ground and carrying it.

Von shakily got to his feet, and the pair exited the mine before returning to the ship. The duo had survived their ordeal but now had a decision to make; would they inform the Brotherhood about the changes to the lylek queen?

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 27 January, 2021 4:07 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

“And that Brimstone, is why I wanted to avoid using projectile weapons inside the mine.”

I’m always happy when an author resolves a Chekohv’s Gun they’ve set up earlier in the match.

At the end of the room was an utterly enormous throne constructed of chitin, stone, and kyber. Upon the throne sat a strange humanoid, the likes of which neither Von nor Brimstone had ever seen before

You get some story credit here for creativity, this is certainly not something I expected to see in this ACC event.


Can Be Improved

Pew Pew Pew!

While I appreciate the humor, is the gun making this sound or are one of the characters actually saying “pew pew pew?” If this is the former I don’t think that’s actually what blaster bolts sound like. Something to keep in mind for future matches.

I struggled to articulate how I felt you could have improved the brood mother plot element. While exceptionally creative it still felt off somehow and left me as a reader going “wait, what?” For one you could have set up the surprise a little better. You had opportunities through the Force interactions to have one of the characters sense an actual consciousness, perhaps a voice. As written the match up to that point just assumes a queen bee of sorts and doesn’t set the audience up for the shocking revelation. I think if you had set up the mystery earlier that there’s a humanoid level consciousness down there the reveal would have still been surprising but less abrupt because you’ve prepped the reader to expect something beyond a simple mother Lylek. I think setting up and resolving that one mystery would have made the ending more satisfying even though it still concludes with open plot threads. As written the woman is introduced, they escape and the audience is left scratching their head as to what just happened. This is good stuff but with a little setup it could have been great.