Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight vs. Savant Xolarin

Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Sorcerer, Mandalorian
vs.

Savant Xolarin

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Force Disciple, Arcanist, Sentinel
Comment

General Comments

Overall, both combatants had a solid and enjoyable battle. The deciding factors ended up being Appius’ stronger emotional tie-ins with the story, and his greater experience with the ACC’s rules. Congratulations to Appius on his win, excellent job to both writers, and I look forward to seeing more of your matches!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight, Savant Xolarin
Winner Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Savant Appius "Zappius" Wight's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Savant Xolarin's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 25 January, 2021 6:31 PM UTC
Assigned Judge General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama
Syntax - 15%
Seer Xolarin High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 (Advantage) Score: 3
Rationale: You had a number of Syntax errors that made your post confusing to follow in places. Xolarin gets the advantage for having fewer errors overall. Rationale: You had a number of Syntax errors that made your post confusing to follow in places.
Story - 40%
Seer Xolarin High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You had a solid and serviceable narrative throughout both of your posts. Rationale: You had a compelling narrative throughout both your posts, with the emotional conflict between Appius and Xolarin adding more tension above the fight with the jotaz.
Realism - 25%
Seer Xolarin High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: You had several issues between your posts. See the post comments for details. Rationale: You had a few minor issues between your posts. See the post comments for details.
Continuity - 20%
Seer Xolarin High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues. Well done! Rationale: No issues. Well done!
Seer Xolarin's Score: 3.47 High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 4.05
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

It's amazing how much two men could have in common with one another.

Xolarin and Appius Wight. Both were Savants, the second rank of Equites in the Brotherhood.

Both were former Jedi that fell to the Dark Side.

Both were Human and were Taldryanites that transferred in from another Clan.

Both were masters of Niman, the sixth form of lightsaber combat.

And lastly, both men could not stand to be in the same room with one another for more than a few minutes at a time.

I swear Erinyes chose him just to spite me. Appius mused to himself. Next time she can get some other minion to do her dirty work for her!

The Mandalorian liked to think like that, it at least made him feel a little better about his current predicament. The problem was no matter how he looked at it, Erinyes was technically his boss not once, but twice over. Appius was a Quaestor; she was his Consul. He was one of Ciara's Magistrates while Erinyes was the Praetor.

What made the situation even more infuriating was that when the Zeltron gave the order for him and Xolarin to tackle one of the Dark Side infused beasts that now inhabited the remains of the research lab; he had no choice but to comply like the good little Quaestor he was, lest he get on the bad side of the Headmistress too.

He didn't want to do that, he'd heard way too many stories about what happened to those who got on the bad side of the Dark Council.

That redirected him to the current source of his ire, right here and right now. Xolarin.

Force damn it all, why didn't I just kill him on the Matron?

At this moment in time, the Sorcerer was kicking himself for that particular decision. He could have killed Xolarin back then, Proconsul was supposed to be his position for the taking but nooo, it had to go to the artificer of all people, the researcher! Simply because the Taldryan Consul couldn't be frakked to do any of it herself!

Who knows? Maybe here of all places, the Breached Hot Labs on Arx, maybe Xolarin would get himself killed? He wasn't the most combative of people, hence the second reason Appius was here with him in the first place. To be a glorified bodyguard.

"Interesting, it appears this facility has been ripped to shreds, what do you think?" the Taldryan Proconsul joked as he stopped to point out the obviously untold amount of devastation that lay before the two men. Appius barged past him, deciding to completely ignore his fellow Savant's comments.

The facility itself was a complete wreck. The latest war with the Collective was far from kind to the labs due to parts of the Nesolat Platform crashing into the testing rooms and exhibits on the surface, tearing them asunder and leaving who, or rather what, were within exposed to the chaos of the Grand Master's ritual. Some rooms had caught fire, evident by the charred and smoky stench that filled both Human's nostrils as they walked past them. The lights flickered above their head, dimly lighting the way down the wide corridor before disappearing into darkness again.

"Have I done something to upset you, Appius?" Xolarin inquired calmly.

"Yeah," the other Taldryanite answered. "You keep talking. We are here to capture the jotaz. Keep your mouth shut and we will get along just fine."

"Wow, you really hold the Matron against me, don't you?" the Arcanist prodded further.

"The only reason you’re still walking is that I let you live. Remember that," Appius retorted which earned nothing more than a shrug from his fellow Human.

"I don't see what your problem is," Xolarin continued. "My vision was correct, was it not? You turned to the Dark Side, you are wearing Mandalorian armor..."

"Yeah, well jokes on you!" Appius said triumphantly as he grabbed the saberstaff hilt at his side. "These are green, not red. You aren't entirely right!"

Xolarin rolled his eyes.

"You are being childish," the Taldryan Proconsul declared. "I don't want this any more than you. But we need to work together. A brotherhood within a Brotherhood, remember?"

Appius' head snapped towards the Arcanist and through the Force, Xolarin could feel the raw, bubbling anger rise within his fellow Taldryanite.

"Let me make one thing clear," Appius declared, his tone deepening and he pointed a finger at the other armoured man's helmet. "You are not my brother, you never have been and you never will be. I don't trust you, and when the day comes that you slip up I'll be right there, ready to correct the mistake I made on the Matron!"

Appius' voice echoed off the durasteel walls as he finished his speech. Xolarin simply stood there and folded his arms before taking a long, deep breath.

"You know something, Appius? I have tried very hard to be amicable. Believe me, I have. I've shown you nothing but decency since I arrived in Taldryan and yet you've shown me nothing but hostility in return. I get it, you've been told you have a lot of potential. I've seen it for myself and numerous others around the Brotherhood have seen it too. Hell, Ciara probably did when she accepted you as her new Magistrate. But all that got to your head, didn't it? And you just can't accept the fact that I was the one who got the Proconsul position instead of you. That dented your fragile little ego, didn't it? Well, guess what? You're just going to have to accept it. Because despite what you think of me I'm loyal to Taldryan and I have no intention of going anywhere else. Unlike you."

Appius let Xolarin's words wash over him. He had to grit his teeth to stop himself from using the Force to strangle the Arcanist right where he stood.

Suddenly, Xolarin's head snapped towards the end of the corridor, with the Mandalorian following his action very quickly afterwards. What came into view was nothing short of a gargantuan beast. A large, thick creature with bulging forearms and sharp, tusk-like teeth. It stood on its two old oak trunk-sized legs and huffed as it gazed down at the two Force users before it. With a thunderous roar, the jotaz charged towards them with the fury of a vornskr.

Appius reacted by thrusting a hand forward towards Xolarin, sending a pulse of energy into his ribs and sending him careening into the nearby room and out of danger. The Proconsul crashed into a cabinet which sent papers flying in the air around him.

With the Arcanist now out of harm's way for the moment, the Mandalorian turned his attention towards the charging jotaz. The towering beast raised its two fists above its head just as Appius activated his jetpack and leapt out of the way. The gargantuan monster's fists slammed into the durasteel floor and not only dented but cracked and split the floor open. The Sorcerer could have sworn he could feel the vibrations, even in mid-air.

As he landed a few feet down the corridor, the jotaz raised his head and snarled at the Mandalorian, the creature’s pupils dilated as it readied itself for another charge.

You may be strong, but you are definitely stupid! Appius thought to himself. As sparks jittered in-between the fingertips of both his hands. Screw Xolarin, he didn't need his help, Appius could handle this on his own!

Electricity soared and hissed across the gap between the Quaestor and the monster. Unfortunately for Appius, instead of surrounding the jotaz with the agonizing tendrils of lightning, it came to a stop inches away as the beast held out one giant palm in front of it.

The Sorcerer's heart dropped into his gut, he bit his lip behind his visor and took several large steps back as the beast approached him. Banging and slamming into the walls as it did so.

"What the hell did they do to it!?" Appius exclaimed. Whatever had been done to the jotaz, it made it resistant to the Quaestor's use of lightning and he didn't like that. Not. One. Bit.

The Mandalorian readied himself to run before it could charge at him, but before the beast could take another step, the distinct snap-hiss of a lightsaber drew it's attention behind it.

Xolarin stood behind it a few feet away, a green blade humming to his left, unperturbed by the imminent danger this monster exuded. This was his chance to prove himself to the Sorcerer, with his hand outstretched towards the monster, shut his eyes tight and concentrated the will of the Force as a sudden flash of light burst in front of the jotaz.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 29 January, 2021 12:40 AM UTC

What Went Well

You set up a strong emotional conflict between Appius and Xolarin on top of the external conflict between those two and the jotaz, which gives the battle extra depth and keeps the reader’s interest while we’re waiting for the fighting to start. You’ve also got a great grasp on the descriptive language in your post. The combat itself was a solid introduction for the rest of the battle.

Room for Growth

The main challenge you had here was with Syntax, particularly with sentence structure (which I covered in your battle with Aiden). You also had a spot where you had an “and” in place of an “as”, at “...his tone deepening and he pointed a finger…”

Suggestions

Purdue OWL’s pages on run-on sentences and sentence fragments apply equally well to this post as they do to your other battle. Beyond that, proofreading (including via resources like Grammarly’s free checker) will help catch errors like the and/as switch.

The jotaz instantly turned its face to the floor, shrieking as the light nearly blinded it. Xolarin snickered and took a few steps closer, keeping the light pulsing for a few seconds longer. The beast continued to hide itself from the bright light, at least for now.

The proconsul had not wanted to be on this mission with the Mando either, although he did honestly look forward to trying to figure things out with Appius. There was a tension there, ever since the Godless Matron, and they had never had a chance to hash it out. From the sounds of it - from the feel of it - Appius really had no desire to rectify anything. But while the Mandalorian-armor-wearing man had barely bested him that day, he did not seek vengeance and merely wanted to succeed in his path. He had a long career in Marka Ragnos, but he was a Taldryanite now. And that's what he cared about these days.

Xolarin gritted his teeth as the jotaz began to recover from the blindness. The adept watched as Appius made his way back towards the beast, getting into a more ideal position. The beast roared and looked over at Xolarin, as the bright light was shut off. The roar was loud and irritating, affecting both men to the bone.

Appius yelled a grown as he threw another volley of lightning, more powerful and seething with anger behind it. He stayed levitated with his jetpack as he flew around the beast, finally getting a little traction with the lightning attack. It was not as effective as it would have been on a human or lesser beast, but it was hurting it a bit.

As the jotaz looked over at the floating Appius, Xolarin punched the ground and let a thundering burst of energy flow from the Force, through him, and into the ground, attempting to unsteady the creature. It seemed to stir its footing for sure, and it was becoming overwhelmed by the distractions of shaking ground and electricity. It roared again, becoming more enraged.

Xolarin rolled on the ground after his quake, and then jumped into the air with the tiny bit of momentum from the roll. They needed to stop the thing, without killing it. That would be quite difficult, but they had to try. He had his lightsaber ignited still but didn't want to stab it in the head, which is what he would normally attempt.

"Keep going!" shouted the older one in dark brown robes. "We can wear it down!"

Appius swiftly ignored Xolarin, although he did keep his onslaught of lightning from the air going. Xolarin managed to land right up on top of the beast, sticking the plasma-end of his weapon into the eye socket of the jotaz. It immediately thrashed and shrieked, tossing Xolarin off and onto the ground. Twas the second time he ended up on his arse, forcing him into another wall, his saber flying off to the side, Xolarin grunting as the wind was knocked out of him temporarily.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 29 January, 2021 12:40 AM UTC

What Went Well

You’ve got plenty of fast-paced combat in this post, and the depth of description to make it vivid without bogging things down. I liked how you showed how Appius and Xolarin combined their abilities to wear the jotaz down over time.

Room for Growth

First, don’t worry about there being more here than in the “What Went Well” section. It’s not that you a lot of mistakes so much as that the ones you did make take a bit of explaining.

Your issues in this post came primarily from Realism, with a side of Syntax. The first concern I had came from your description of Xolarin’s use of Blinding. Per the CS Guide’s page on Force powers, Blinding affects the user unless they’ve got the “B-B-Blinded by the Light” Feat. Since Xol doesn’t have that Feat on his CS but clearly wasn’t blinded by using the power, that goes in as a minor Realism detractor. (Incidentally, Blinding’s supposed to be a one-flash power, so “pulsing” it would require him to cast it multiple times. I didn’t count that as a detractor in this battle, but in the future, you may want to specify that the “pulsing” is Xolarin casting the power multiple times.)

The second Realism concern was in how you described Xolarin sticking his lightsaber into the jotaz’s eye. There’s no reason he can’t do that, but the way you described it made it sound like the lightsaber would’ve gone through the jotaz’s eye and into its brain, which should really have killed it (and ended the match prematurely). I called this a minor detractor because it’s possible that Xol could’ve stabbed the jotaz in a way that didn’t kill it, like with a downward strike that missed the brain, but you’ll want to get more specific about your descriptions to avoid issues like that in the future.

On the Syntax front, you had a couple of spots with word use issue: “Appius yelled a grown” (which I assume was supposed to be “growl”) and “It seemed to stir its footing” (“stir” isn’t a great choice of word here; maybe you were going for “disturb”?).

Suggestions

Double-check the power descriptions on the wiki when writing Force powers, and make sure you’re careful in how you phrase your descriptions of a character’s actions. Judges do try to give members the benefit of the doubt when we can, but we can only stretch our interpretations so far.

With the Taldryan Proconsul seemingly down and out for the moment, Appius took the opportunity to increase the flurry of lightning he sent at the abomination before him. His heart thundered in his ears, sweat formed on his brow and his breathing became harder and harder to maintain.

The jotaz writhed and roared at the pain of losing part of its vision. Its large appendages flailed and waved aimlessly like it was trying to swat a fly out of the sky. With every swing, the Force triggered a warning through the Sorcerer's mind and he was forced to duck, fly over, or land away from the beast lest he’d accidentally get whacked by those one of the large tree trunk-like arms.

The creature's resistances were fading. Both Xolarin and Appius could see that. Whatever effect the Grand Master's ritual had on the jotaz was beginning to wane under the pressure the two Force Disciples put it under.

"Interesting…" Xolarin mused as he slowly rose to his feet, eyes glued on the combat in front of him. His legs trembled, his arms shook and there was a distinct prodding sensation in his lower back as he tried to straighten his spine. His chest heaved in and out as he watched the Appius zoom around the gargantuan monster like a buzzing mosquito.

Xolarin was nothing if not well versed in the matters of Dark Side rituals. It was Erinyes' entire reason for sending him in the first place. The Taldryan Consul wasn't an idiot. She knew Xolarin wasn't the biggest combatant in the Brotherhood, or even in Taldryan for that matter, but his potential knowledge of what happened here could prove invaluable in capturing the creature in question.

He was the opposite side of the coin to Appius, and whether they liked it or not, right now they needed each other.

Suddenly, Xolarin's eyes widened as he had a brainwave moment come to him. At first the jotaz was extremely resistant to Appius' first attempt at using Force Lightning, but that resistance very quickly crumbled under pressure like it was a wall made of sand.

"THAT'S IT!" Xolarin exclaimed. "Appius! Keep up the pressure!"

From the distance, the Proconsul couldn't see the vein bulging on the Sorcerer's forehead.

"What does it look like I'm doing, di'kut!?" Appius spat between laborer breaths. Unfortunately for the taller Human, that momentary lapse in concentration was all the jotaz needed to swing its bulky arm towards the man above it, smacking Appius in mid-air as hard as it could, this sent the Sorcerer slamming into the durasteel wall ribs first.

The Quaestor dropped unceremoniously to the ground, gasping, wheezing and feeling like he'd just been hit by a podracer. A loud ringing formed in his ears as he slowly staggered back to his feet, using the durasteel wall for support. His vision shifted between seeing triples and doubles for a few seconds before everything returned to normal.

Lucky for him, the jotaz had turned its attention away from him as it was primarily focused on Xolarin, the being that took one of its eyes. It advanced upon the Arcanist, mildly quaking the ground with its footsteps; within the last few steps, it raised its two giant fists above its head, ready to crush the Proconsul under the weight of its strength.

"Sithspit!" Appius cried out as he thrust forward both palms and focused his will on the Force on the ginormous beast.

The Arcanist felt the waves of the Force flow through the back of his mind, alerting him to the obvious danger he could see before him. Thankfully, the beast seemed slower than its usual standards during its attack and Xolarin was able to step back out of the way of the giant fists before they crushed him into a paste.

With the Taldryan Proconsul out of harm's way for the moment, Appius relinquished his hold of the beast, grunting at the exertion as he did so. He summoned his extended hilt to his hand with the Force, summoning forth the pair of bright emerald blades out of both ends, and he considered his options from there.

The beast turned at the sudden sound, which gave Xolarin the opportunity he needed to draw upon his trusty sidearm. He gripped the blaster in one hand and fired slow steady shots into the jotaz’s head and joints. The creature flinched as it was more like it was being prodded rather than shot at, meaning weapons with a low level of power have little to no effect at all. Xolarin's aim was terrible, but the ape-like creature was large enough that it didn't particularly matter. Regardless, it did as intended as drew the monstrosity’s attention away from the Sorcerer.

This was the moment Appius was waiting for. His heart pounded harder in his chest as he poured the Dark Side of the Force through his body. His senses came alive and he moved faster; he quickly closed the gap between himself and the jotaz and slashed low, intending to take it down at its knees. Erinyes' said she wanted it alive, she never said anything about it being in one piece!

However, as he was about to attack with his weapon, the Force alarmed him of the incoming forearm that swiped towards him. Denied his attack, the Quaestor activated his jetpack and leapt over it, landing next to Xolarin at his side; his sides heaved with exhaustion but he was unharmed.

"Appius, we need to work together!" The Proconsul declared urgently while holding his hip in a way to hopefully alleviate the twinge in his back.

"Frakk… you," the red-armoured Mandalorian breathed. His fatigue gave him trouble thinking and forming his words.

"You are exhausted and hurt!" Xolarin snapped.

"So are you!" the Quaestor growled in response.

"You can't keep this up!" Xolarin reasoned as the two backpedalled away from the raging beast as it grew enraged and started throwing its arms around in a frenzied tantrum. "I know what the ritual did, it turned the jotaz into a being that can resist effects from the Force. Effects such as your lightning but it struggles to do so under constant pressure although still not fully effective. That's why you've been able to hit it!"

The gargantuan monstrosity roared in frustration, the strength of its voice caused vibrations in the air as the lights above them flickered on and off.

"So what do you suggest!?" Appius exclaimed, the panic evident in his voice as the monster is resistant to his namesake.

"Lightsaber!" Xolarin answered. "Use your lightsaber! It still cuts it, just like mine did!"

The beast stomped towards them, quickly catching up with a furious scowl and drool dangling from its jaw.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 29 January, 2021 12:41 AM UTC

What Went Well

You’ve got some great imagery going on in your descriptions of the battle between the Taldryanites and the jotaz. Appius’ combination of Precognition and using his jetpack was a cool variation on “Jedi piloting”. I also liked that you kept the conflict going between Appius and Xolarin, and made that into as much of an obstacle as anything the jotaz might throw at them.

Room for Growth

As before, Syntax was your main stumbling block in this post. Comma splices seem to be your most prominent bad habit, grammar-wise. There were a couple of places where your phrasing flat-out didn’t make sense, like “The creature flinched as it was more like it was” (which I suspect was a botched rephrase rather than something you wrote intentionally) and Xolarin’s explanation of the jotaz’s abilities (which makes sense for his character, but the phrasing was so clunky that it was difficult to understand what he was saying). There were also a couple of minor word choice slip-ups; you had “laborer breathing” instead of “laboured breathing” (apparently your autocorrect is set to American English), and “as drew the monstrosity’s attention” instead of “and drew the monstrosity’s attention”. You also had one case of referring to “the Appius”, which probably reflects Appius’ self-confidence, but is still grammatically incorrect. :P

There’s also one Realism point that I feel I should mention. You wrote Xolarin shooting “into” the jotaz’s head and joints, implying that he’s hitting relatively small, moving targets, but later in the same paragraph you say that he has terrible aim (which more accurately reflects his skills under these circumstances). Since the plot only relies on Xolarin hitting the jotaz somewhere in order to draw its attention, I didn’t mark this as a detractor, but you’ll probably want to be more specific about that in the future.

Suggestions

As in the first post, work on your Syntax issues, and as in Xolarin’s first post, tighten up your descriptions to avoid putting yourself in an unrealistic position.

Lightning had diminishing returns, as did something like a kinetic slam. It was time for their melee prowess and acrobatics to come into play, albeit with some negative impacts from their fatigue and injury at this point. They did have enough energy to hop out of the way of the creature's immediate charge.

At one side, Appius stepped out and then back in to strike at the jotaz with his saber blades. There was a noticeable grunt from the beast as it slid into the plasma, forced to take the deep cuts in its jowls and neck.

On the other side, Xolarin parried with an arm from the jotaz, as if in a fencing match, poking and striking as it went by the two Taldryanites. After parlaying, he stepped deep and long to drive his blade into the massive shoulder area, right about the arm.

It shrieked again, this time in more agony than anger, although the two emotions would be equal in distress and reaction. It stopped moving, moving its head back and forth to look at Appius and then Xolarin. It was confused, angry, hurt, and uncertain of what to do next. It wasn't smart enough or self-controlled enough to stop fighting and merely go with the two men. Nay, it had to survive, and that meant killing and winning.

The beast breathed a low, guttural groan, then another. One might think it was calming itself, but it was preparing itself. It was almost like a battle meditation, although that wasn't possible. Was it?

"Krik!" Xolarin muttered and looked over at Appius. "Go... now!"

The two men leapt into action, Appius with his athletic ability and Xolarin attempting to amplify any melee skill he had trained over the decades. The green blades - one double, one single - sped around the beast, slicing and cutting and burning as they went, although never truly striking mortal blows. Their nimble, dual-pronged attack was having an obvious affect, and the jotaz began to stumble and slow. Its drool was increasing, and bits of blood and even tissue were emerging in the cavernous room.

Xolarin managed to step aside and let Appius continue to hit the beast with a barrage of physical hits. The proconsul breathed in deeply, exhaled slowly, and focused his energies once again. His connection to the Force grew stronger, while the creature's own abilities waned and slowed. Slowing the beast was a task, but with focus and shifted amplification, Xolarin made it a keen weapon against this Force beast.

Appius caught on, finishing a few hefty slices deep into the meat of their target. He jumped up in his jetpack and watched as Xolarin, hands outstretched, worked on the mind of this thing. Neither of them could do any sort of severing of the Force, but they could certainly slow it to molasses speed.

After a moment of focus, the jotaz seemed to stop moving altogether, albeit with heavy breathing and the occasional sputtering out its huge jaw. Xolarin finally took his gaze off the beast and looked up at his old 'friend'. He sighed and nodded. "Ok, hit it hard with your lightning."

The quaestor put some energy into a large grin under his helmet, and then the rest into his own connection to the Force. Energy seemed to gather as hairs raised on their arms, and Appius suddenly shot out his open hand with a single, controlled, and brutal strand of blue-white lightning extending towards the beast. It hit true and it hit hard, and that was the end of it.

Appius landed near Xolarin, and the two hobbled over to the head of the creature, a bit of smoke lifting into the air from the last attack. "Welp... do you want light meat or dark meat?" Appius grunted a chuckle from under his helmet, causing a similar chortle from Xolarin as well.

General Seraine "Erinyes" Taldrya Ténama, 29 January, 2021 12:41 AM UTC

What Went Well

You had plenty of action packed into this post, despite it being the shortest post of the battle. I liked how you built up the suspense and continued with the theme of Appius and Xolarin being forced to combine their abilities to succeed.

Room for Growth

As before, Realism was kind of a bugbear for you. The main issue I saw in this post was Appius’ use of Force Lightning to smoke the jotaz at the end of the fight. Without getting too far into the nitty-gritty of ACC rules, the more times a character uses their Force powers, the more ”mentally tired” they get. When this happens, their Force powers are less effective. Force Lightning in particular is also physically strenuous. By this point in the fight, Appius has spammed Force Lighting several times (along with a few other taxing Force powers), and he’s injured from the jotaz knocking him around. I have a hard time believing that Appius would be able to summon up a full-power blast by this point in the fight, and even if he did, he probably would’ve passed out from the strain.

The second issue on Realism was related to your description of Xolarin using Slow against the jotaz. Generally speaking, you can’t use Force powers to directly empower other Force powers. Amplification only affects physical actions. Saying that Xolarin’s “connection to the Force grew stronger” can be a function of Channel (your Artificer ability), but Channel refreshes a character’s ability to use Force powers rather than strengthening the effects of those powers. However, I didn’t mark this as a detractor because for what you described, Xolarin’s Slow +3 seemed good enough under the circumstances.

Besides Realism, you had a few Syntax bumps again, mostly around misplaced words (“parlaying” instead of “parrying”, “about” instead of “above”, “affect” instead of “effect”). There were a couple of spots where the phrasing was just odd, like “It stopped moving, moving its head…”

Suggestions

As in your first post, read the power descriptions on the Force Powers page, and tweak your phrasing as needed.