Ranger Ria'd Stesca vs. Ranger Creon Saldean

Ranger Ria'd Stesca

Equite, Unaffiliated
Male Zabrak, Jedi, Defender
vs.

Ranger Creon Saldean

Equite, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Defender, Guardian
Comment

I want to start off by saying, awesome work on completing your match on time, and thank you for your participation in the SARLACC event. Also thank you for your patience in the judging of this match, and to my fellow judges who helped make sure things made sense. This was a really fun and interesting match to read and judge. Your guys choice of beastie really set it up for some intense action.

Rai'd, awesome work in starting the match and getting the action going. The bit of background and then the emotional personal things for both characters really made the story come to life, and makes the reader more invested in the overall story. There was one Minor Realism error on the use of Telekinesis. I would suggest studying the wiki, and make sure you take into account what you’re dealing with.

Creon, you did a great job of continuing the story and developing the action. You were really close in keeping up with Ria’d, and maybe even a chance of winning the match, however, those 2 minor Realism errors caught you up. I suggest checking the character sheets for the same powers, and then checking the wiki to see if it's feasible for what you want to do for next time. The Telepathy was a cool idea, but it only really works the way you described if both characters have it.

Overall you both did a great job in this match, and you even grabbed your picked target creature. Don’t forget that it never hurts to have more than one proofer for your posts. wink, wink

You both did an awesome job in this, and again congrats on participating in this event. There can only be one winner however. Congratulations to Ria'd on your win!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Ria'd Stesca, Ranger Creon Saldean
Winner Ranger Ria'd Stesca
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Ria'd Stesca's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Ranger Creon Saldean's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 25 January, 2021 1:13 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae
Syntax - 15%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Multiple grammar and quite a few spelling errors. Rationale: Multiple grammar and a few spelling errors.
Story - 40%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: You continued the story in a great way, and kept the action going at a good pace. But there wasn't anything added to the overall story. Rationale: You stuck to the prompt of the competition. Started with some great action in your first post and continued that in your second. But nothing stood out to really elevate the score.
Realism - 25%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: Two minor detractors. Mainly in your first post. Both go against the level of Force powers on your CS and even Rai’d’s. See post comment for more details. Rationale: One minor detractor. Telekinesis power being used in a way that doesn’t fully make sense. See post comments for full details and suggestions.
Continuity - 20%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse High Inquisitor Anderson
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No errors found. Rationale: No errors found.
Lieutenant Creon Neverse's Score: 3.65 High Inquisitor Anderson's Score: 3.92
Posts

header

The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Two sets of boots tread down the Corrino Research Lab. The two near-identically armored men kept their wits about them as their steps echoed down the dismally lit hallways. The Zabrak's two hearts beat in tandem with one another as he observed every scratch and dent on the broken pieces of equipment that they walked past. It was a sorry sight, and the amount of dried red previously sprayed on the surfaces he saw pained him dearly. The researchers and animals here suffered and for what? Knowledge? Power? Was it truly worth it? It wasn't, not in Ria'd Stesca's eyes.

"Have you ever considered joining Clan Odan-Urr?" the smaller man asked as he raised a brow at the taller Defender.

Then there was his partner for this particular endeavour. Creon Saldean. A fellow Jedi and Ranger from within the ranks of the Brotherhood who had been nothing if not quiet since they arrived. Ria'd didn't mind in the slightest. He liked the silence, it gave him more of a chance to think and focus on the task at hand.

"Unfortunately, no," the Zabrak answered honestly. "My only allegiance is to the Light and those who need my help. I do apologize about that."

Creon simply waved him off with a gesture of his hand and a smile.

"Not at all, I'm quite surprised Gui never got to you. He's normally on top of such matters," the Human replied. "Though I do wonder why you have agreed to help us."

"I just want to help, that's all," the Zabrak answered, though that was only half the truth. He did want to help, of course he did, that was just who he was! Helping people was so ingrained into him that most of the time he never thought twice about it. However, the other reason was that he had recently heard rumours that an old friend of his was still alive and a part of the Brotherhood; so, what better way to get some information than right at the very source? When he saw the outsourced contract from the Headmistress, he leapt at the opportunity, much to his behest at their current situation.

And like that, the two fell silent again. Though Ria'd couldn't help but glance at his fellow Jedi as they turned the corners. Creon's face would turn into a scowl, his fists would clench and his eyes would harden. Clearly, he was as troubled by this place as Ria'd was.

"There is no emotion, there is peace," Ria'd stated suddenly, catching the smaller man's attention. "There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. There is no passion, there is serenity. There is no chaos, there is harmony. There is no death, there is…"

"The Force," Creon finished for him. "The old Jedi Code. It's been a while since I last heard it. But its words bring many comforts in troubling times."

"Old?" Ria'd inquired curiously. It was the only code he'd ever known as it was the one drilled into him by his adopted guardians, the rogue Jedi who rescued him from being a sacrificial lamb on Dathomir. To suddenly hear that there was another variation piqued his interests.

"Indeed, though I see it as more a rough code than a guide to follow," Creon added. "Regardless, what do you know of these rathtars?"

That was the creature they were looking for, a rathtar. Horrific monstrosities and Ria'd had only ever encountered them once before. It was an experience he hoped he wouldn't have to repeat and he shuddered at the thought of it.

"They are vicious, relentless pack hunters and…"

Ria'd never got to finish his sentence as the two Jedi were suddenly interrupted by a loud clang that rang above them. The air vents shook as something moved from one part of the vent to the other. The Defenders could only watch as a vile, horrific ball-like monster twice the size of the Jedi dropped out of an opening from above them. It writhed on the floor for a moment before its many tentacle-like appendages lifted its spherical body off of the ground.

"And they look a lot like that!" the Zabrak Defender exclaimed as the beast turned and snarled at them, its many rows of sharp, dagger-like teeth shown to them both in an intimidating display.

The Force suddenly alarmed in the back of Ria'd's head like a warning for a violent storm. He quickly grabbed the lightsaber hilt at his side, but was far too slow to react to the long tentacle that sprung towards him at breakneck speed. The long, slimy appendage wrapped around the Jedi's ankle and pulled him off his feet, his lightsaber hilt rolling out of his hand as his spine hit the floor.

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

The Zabrak's two hearts raced against each other as he was dragged across the floor towards the hungry beast's funnelled mouth.

Creon reacted instantly as the Human Defender raised his right arm. Red plasma shot out of his vambrace and flew through the air, slamming into the beast’s mouth; it staggered back, but the hit didn't seem to do any damage. Much to the dismay of the Odanite, who's eyes widened at the resilience of the abomination in question.

Just what did Mav's ritual do to everything here!?

This, however, presented the opportunity Creon needed. He grabbed his main-hand lightsaber, a crystal-bright blue blade rupturing out of the hilt as the Human Jedi summoned the Force through himself like a powerful stimulant. He leapt forward like a runaway speeder and caught up to his fallen comrade before slicing the tentacle clean off the rathtar.

The slug-like creature recoiled and shrieked in pain and horror as the Guardian Adherent aided Ria'd back onto feet. The Zabrak shook the tentacle from his ankle, his head turning to the rathtar before looking back to the smaller man in front of him.

"RUN!" Ria'd yelled as the pair of Jedi took off in the opposite directions away from the beast down the many cracked and decrepit hallways. The Zabrak picked up his lightsaber along the way, however, rathtar were not known as vicious predators for nothing as it curled itself into a ball and launched itself at the two Jedi.

Sensing an opportunity, Ria'd spun on the spot and thrust his right arm forward. A torrent of strong air slammed into the rathtar and sent it back down the corridor from whence it came.

"We don't have long," the Zabrak warned. "It will keep hunting until it kills us."

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 6 February, 2021 4:05 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Awesome start to this match, great use of environment. You got the action going and the target creature.

... the Human Jedi summoned the Force through himself like a powerful stimulant. He leapt forward like a runaway speeder and caught up to his fallen comrade before slicing the tentacle clean off the rathtar.

This was a really interesting way of showing Force Amplification. I could almost feel the wind as Creon rushed forward.

Can Be Improved

There were a few Syntax errors; mainly the use of comma’s, well, lack thereof. Watch out for run-on sentences.

Two sets of boots tread down the Corrino Research Lab. The two near-identically armored men kept their wits about them as their steps echoed down the dismally lit hallways.

These first two beginning sentences could be combined and reworded slightly to sound more precise. Right now it sounds like you repeated the information twice, including descriptors.

Sensing an opportunity, Ria'd spun…

So as it was kindly pointed out, this is not really possible to do. You didn’t use a Force power in this context, of which there are none that would allow you to do this anyways, it still doesn’t read right. Seeing, or even creating an opening for an attack, would have been better ways to start off this sentence.

... Ria'd spun on the spot and thrust his right arm forward. A torrent of strong air slammed into the rathtar and sent it back down the corridor from whence it came.

So this is almost reading like you used Telekinsis, but there isn’t anything except the line, “thrust his right arm forward,” that shows any sort of build of the Force leading up to its use. Ria’d just got up and was running away from the rathtar. Not only would he need to have caught his breath, but he would have needed to tap into the Force and pool a bit of it to do what you described above. Ria’d’s level in Telekinesis says that sizable objects need a few seconds of concentration. Instantanious use was if there was no opposing force. A rathtar coming at you full speed is an opposing force. Thus, you would have to take a few seconds to pull in some of the Force, to be able to push it back enough to stop it. This unfortunately is a Minor Realism error.

The cold durasteel floor panels of the lab echoed from the clanging sounds of running. The hallways themselves were like a maze, with corridors at each side that branched off into even more passageways. After a few paces into their escape, Creon grabbed a hold of his partner’s shoulder and slowed them to a walking pace. Ria’d looked back to him with a tense and puzzled look on his face, only to see his fellow Jedi bring a finger of silence to his lips. With an outstretched hand, Creon pulled a panel in front of them from its hinges and launched it down a separate hallway. The thin steel square clanked and bent with a loud echo until it screeched to a grinding halt. The two Jedi then proceeded down the opposite way slowly and silently.

The southeastern sector of Corrino held a section dedicated to inventory logistics and server data storage. Most of the hardware and supplies had been destroyed or looted during its evacuation. Creon and Ria’d carefully crept through one of the broken windows into a station that had a console attached to the wall the supply door. From there they took a knee just below the window’s base from the wall.

“Alright B-D,” Creon said in a low whisper, “Try to see if you can get a map of this place, and pull up any data on the rathtars and their habits.” The small droid that was magnetically holstered to his back slid down and skittered to the control console. It ejected its port into a receiver, but after a few blocked turns it returned with saddened beeps.

“They were likely wiped when the Collective broke through. I recommend we-” Ria’d was silenced by Creon bringing his finger up again with a frustrated look on his face. He sat himself down on the floor and took up a lotus meditation pose and gestured Ria’d to do the same. The Iridonian frowned at being interrupted, but swallowed his pride and also took a seat.

“What happens next, let it be,” Creon whispered and closed his eyes. The silence became eerie around them as the two Jedi meditated, connecting their minds together. After a few tense heartbeats, they reached a trance that immersed awareness through their neural oscillations and connected their minds. Creon’s voice resonated in a light echo in Ria’d’s mind: This should help us communicate better. I’m not sure how keen the rathtar’s hearing is, but if it was able to get the jump on us, it’s best to keep things as audibly quiet as we can.

This is a neat trick! Ria’d replied in thought. Now we can use the element of surprise on our side!

One that requires self-discipline to sustain. So keep your thoughts clear until you have something important to relay. We need to use this opportunity to work in sync.

The Zabrak nodded and both rose to their feet at the sound of the distant echo of metallic clanking. The creature was on the move once again.

“B-D, your analysis based on the recording of our recent encounter,” Creon whispered to the droid. The bipedal computer did a little shake and stood still to process the command. Through it’s left eye came a small holoprojection of the creature. It processed the data and wrote hologram notes that pointed to the spherical bulbs protruding around its body and ear holes.

Light reactive sensors… Creon thought aloud as he read.

A nod came from Ria'd in light of this information, They follow it. We can use our lightsabers as a lure.

Yup, Creon agreed. We just need to find a fitting cage

The echoes of the rathtar suddenly became louder and more frequent. It became apparent through the two Jedi’s senses that this rathtar wasn’t the only one of its kind present in the lab.

We should split up. Would we be able to find each other with this link? Ria’d asked.

Kind of? We share awareness, so we would need pay close attention to where we go in relation to each other, Creon answered. He then looked at his droid and said out loud in a whisper, “Try to see if you can find a way to trap the creatures BD, and come find me when you find a solution.* The small droid gave a small nod, slid off his back, and disappeared down a corridor.

Aren’t you worried it will get lost? Ria’d thought in concern.

Nope. It always seems to find its way back to me. Now let's move.

Rai’d turned opposite of the hall the droid took off to, which left Creon with the tunnel that he had earlier launched the floor plate down. It was also the same direction of the echoing roars of the rathtars. The nearby walls were etched with scratch marks on every side as Creon krept further and further down. He drew both of his lightsabers with the expectation of a fight, but what he hadn’t expected was that a fight was already happening. Two rathtars lashed out at each other with their rubbery tentacles about a half a dozen meters from where Creon froze. One of which he noticed had the wound from his lightsaber from their previous encounter. Creon slowly slid himself to the corner of a room that connected to another where the cephalopods engaged each other.

They must be starving if it’s come down to killing their own kind. I’m on my way spoke Ria’d’s resonating voice inside his mind.

No, not yet. Keep looking for some kind of container here. I hate to say it, but it looks like we’ll just have to let this fight take its course and capture the survivor.

The unwounded rathtar widened its spread of tentacles in the center of the room and approached as the aggressor. It’s opponent curled it’s slug-like body into a corner and whipped its appendages in an attempt to keep distance between them. The aggressor stabbed at the cornered foe and retreated quickly to the other side of the room. It repeated this process until it firmly gripped the other with its tentacles. Yanking triumphantly, it pulled the defendant out of its corner, causing its body to roll. The aggressor seized the opportunity of their perpendicular position and latched its mouth onto the other’s body. The other rathtar squealed in pain and flailed its arms wildly until its body was slowly torn to shreds in a gruesome fatality, blood spilling from the winner’s mouth. The victor then roared in an almost deafening decibel. Creon dropped his lightsabers and instinctually fell to his knee. He screamed in pain, the immensely loud sound causing his left eardrum to burst before he was able to cover his ears. A wave of nausea flowed through their Force Meld, crashing into the Zabrak and severing their link. The creature ended it’s rampage upon hearing the nearby Human and approached its newfound prey.

Creon felt the sense of danger as the rathtar approached and lashed out with the Force to push it back against the wall. He breathed in slow, consistent, and heavy breaths, inhaling through his nose and exhaling out his mouth in the same frequency from his meditations. This motion calmed the mind and brought the Force to control the pain that throbbed in his head. He regained his concentration and stepped forward with both arms outstretched, pushing the carnivore into the same corner its cousin was once in. The rathtar reacted in the same defensive manner as its counterpart by pressing its body into the corner and whipping its tentacles as best as it could in a mindless rage. It roared again at a powerful volume that broke Creon’s grasp. The Jedi covered his ears and screamed at the ringing inside that synced with the throbbing migraine. Now free, the rathtar launched itself towards the next room and opened its circular mouth to the suffering Odanite. Creon could only watch as the rows of fangs came closer and closer, the tentacles reaching in all directions towards him. Just as the rathtar was about to consume him, its body was launched against a wall.

“Why don’t you try picking on someone your own size?!” the Iridonian shouted proudly mid-rescue. He wasn’t sure if Creon’s groan was for the irony in his words or from the pain in his ears. Probably a bit of both...

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 6 February, 2021 4:08 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Well done on continuing the story. Also great use of the rathtar’s own abilities against its own kind and against the characters.

With an outstretched hand, Creon pulled a panel in front of them from its hinges and launched it down a separate hallway.

This is a good example of using your CS.

Can Be Improved

There are a few different Syntax errors, small but still there. There are a couple words missing, a few misspelled words, and then some missing comma’s. You also two Minor Realism detractors, which I’ll get to below, along with one sentence that probably could have had better descriptors.

It inserted~~ejected~~ its scomp link~~port~~ into a receiver,...

The word “ejected” means to expel, like James Bonds’ ejector seat in his spy cars. I would also suggest researching the accessories different droids have, specifically yours. BD, R2, and BB units all have what is called a scomp link, that is used to access computer terminals. I know it’s getting a bit technical, however it is better sounding than “port into receiver”. Port is another word that doesn’t belong here. A port usually means a hole, or socket in a computer into which a device is plugged into. Receiver or port would work for inserting the scomp link into.

Creon’s voice resonated in a light echo in Ria’d’s mind: This should help us communicate better. I’m not sure how keen the rathtar’s hearing is, but if it was able to get the jump on us, it’s best to keep things as audibly quiet as we can. This is a neat trick! Ria’d replied in thought. Now we can use the element of surprise on our side! One that requires self-discipline to sustain. So keep your thoughts clear until you have something important to relay. We need to use this opportunity to work in sync.

I had to highlight this, due to the fact that this is Minor Realism detractor. Creon’s Telepathy isn’t high enough to do this type of ‘talking’ between the characters that you’ve described. The wiki says that: Telepathy +2: With further study, the Force User can more easily convey full messages to a single mind but still requires several seconds of concentration to do so. They can convey simple concepts easily when not under duress and even pick up vague intentions and a general idea of another's passive thoughts. So in this context Creon would be able to do a bit of the first part, him talking to Ria’d, but Creon would only be able to get a general idea of what Ria’d was saying back to him. Also Ria'd would need the same level of Telepathy or even a level down from Creon to interact in the way described above. But he doesn't even have Telepathy on his sheet.

A wave of nausea flowed through their Force Meld, crashing into the Zabrak and severing their link.

The second minor detractor would be your use of Force Meld. Since this feat only applies to Battle Meditation, of which there is barely if any indication of, it doesn't work with Telepathy. In our current ACC system you can't really use more than one Force Power at a time and still be able to maintain the amount of focus necessary to fight would be difficult at best, especially where you have those powers leveled at.

Ria'd's sudden burst of pride dissipated in moments when he observed his Jedi companion clutching the side of his head. Creon held a pained expression on his face, as well as what looked like water in his eyes. When the Human wobbled on his feet, a trickle of red dripped down his wrist from the wound and he appeared like he was going to hurl at any given moment.

"You're hurt," the Zabrak stated as he gently grabbed hold of Creon's arm and moved it away from his ear. The Human Defender looked like he was about to protest but all that left his mouth was a slur of words that Ria'd failed to understand.

All of a sudden, Creon felt relief pour into the side of his head like a powerful anaesthetic. The side of his head numbed and he could feel the squelching of blood in his ear; the wound slowly began to knit itself together.

The effort was short-lived when the Force rang through the mind of the Human Defender.

"Ria'd!"

It was the first coherent word Creon said since his injury, and the Zabrak responded quickly as a result. Ria'd threw his arms up in front of them and summoned forth his power in the Force to protect them against the set of raging tentacles that tried to wrap itself around the two Defenders. The long, gangly appendages whipped and slashed at them only to be stopped by an invisible wall inches away from its prey.

"I can't heal you here," a strained Ria'd explained. "Your injury is too severe. It will take hours to mend and we don't have that much time."

Creon felt the pain return to the side of his head. The pounding migraine reformed, his loss of balance dropped him back down to one knee and the constant ringing in his ear internally screeched at him.

"Leave… me," the Odanite finally said.

"What?" Ria'd inquired through gritted teeth as he struggled to maintain their protection.

"Leave… me," Creon repeated with a pained gasp. If there was one thing the man was, it was determined. Determined to finish the mission because it wasn't just for his sake, but for Odan-Urr. The Light Side Clan of the Brotherhood had faced far too many hardships.

Hardships such as rejection from many other Clan's, the reign of devastation Pravus put them under when he declared war on their first home, the fact that no matter where they went the Jedi were scrutinized for their beliefs, their actions and it weighed on them like a block of solid beskar. That's why they were so determined to prove themselves not just to everyone else, but to themselves as well. This mission was important, and if Creon needed to die for it to succeed then so be it, for this is his Jedi way.

"No."

The defiance came as something of a shock to the human. He could barely hear the word through his one good ear and part of him thought he'd misheard. But when he looked up to the Zabrak, he saw a man strained, tired, knees bent, sweat dripping down his face, but his comrade shone with determination in maintaining their ground against the lashing and thrashing of the rathtar.

"I dedicated my life to the Light and the Jedi," Ria'd proclaimed between gasps of air. "To protect those who needed my help regardless of the situation, regardless of what they've done or how bleak it looks. If I leave you here to die, what kind of man does that make me? No! I refuse!"

Creon absorbed the words the Zabrak spoke like a dry sponge exposed to water. It reminded him so much of his creed and philosophy. More specifically, it reminded him of another group he was a part of, a group that formed for the sole purpose of helping others no matter their affiliation.

The Lotus.

Maybe Ria'd had no intention of joining Odan-Urr. But maybe, just maybe, he would join the Lotus instead? He seemed perfect for it! The group had no connection to the Brotherhood other than some of the members within it.

But if Creon was going to ask him to join, then he would need to live.

If he was going to live, then he needed to fight.

And if he was going to fight, then he needed to get on his feet and help Ria'd, who was now at his limits. The rathtar approached them slowly, its many rows of sharp, jagged teeth gnashing together as the beast snarled and huffed, its hunger for meat insatiable, its need for sustenance unmet.

"I… can't hold it!" The rogue Jedi sputtered as his arms dropped to his side. The Rathtar saw its opportunity in the Zabrak's defeated gesture as a sign to open its slime-filled mouth, ready to swallow the Jedi whole.

That was until a narrow, snake-like jet of flames entered its mouth from the vambrace attached to Creon's right forearm. The creature recoiled under the intense heat and fled back down the opposite hallway whilst thrashing its many tentacles along the way. It pulled durasteel panelling of the walls, smashed glass in its wake, and destroyed thousands of credits worth of terminals and equipment.

The Odanite dropped back down onto his knees, clutching the side of his head again as his adrenaline pushed his blood to his ear, making the throbbing sensation even worse.

Ria'd picked Creon up by his arm and slung it over his shoulder.

"I found a containment cell down the hallway that we can contain it in. B-D is there waiting for us," Ria'd breathed heavily as he dragged the Human along. Though after a few steps he suddenly paused, realising that the beast was slowly recovering from the burns that had been inflicted upon it.

Ria'd carefully let go of Creon and allowed the Human to stand on the weight of his own strength. The Zabrak's breaths were rapid as he gasped for the air his lungs craved. But he pressed on and raised his arms to the ceiling above.

Appius, this one's for you.

Ria'd strained as he forced his telekinetic grip to bring down the panelling and structure of the ceiling above them. Debris thundered to the ground and created a barrier between themselves and the rathtar.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 6 February, 2021 4:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Great job in continuing the story and keeping the action going.

"I can't heal you here," a strained Ria'd explained. "Your injury is too severe. It will take hours to mend and we don't have that much time.

This is a great example showing the use of your character’s Force powers, but yet knowing that with every use, especially with Healing and Barrier, has an effect on the body physically.

Can Be Improved

I liked how you put a bit of personal clan stuff in there as a connection for the characters, while also not taking much attention away from the main story. I would still be careful about putting too much backstory into a match, which in this match was getting a bit close. Too much backstory will siderail the reader and cause some confusion as to why this was mentioned, even though it clearly ties into the current story. The amount of backstory you put in, was just enough to help Creon get the proverbial “kick in pants” he needed to move through the pain and help Rai’d.
There were fewer Syntax errors here, than in your first post.

Tendrils ripped and tore at the debris in a wild frenzy. Once the clutter had cleared, the rathar noticed a line of small embers trail in a broken line. It followed the fire in a hot pursuit around multiple turns and halls until the creature came into another widened room with the two Jedi inside. Creon stood tall next to Ra’id and dropped the empty bacta bomb to the floor. His pain was dulled, and their minds were melded once more.

The rathar launched itself at its prey, but was thrown back by the Force once Creon and Rai’d threw their arms out together in sync. Instead of just pushing the rathar away, they held it suspended in the air. Even as it tried to jerk and wiggle itself free, it was helpless against the hold of the Jedi. The two stepped away from the center of the room to open a path to a cell behind them. They planted their feet low and twisted their torso with a have of each hand, as if pulling something heavy across from them together. The rathtar screamed furiously as it was launched across the hall, into the room, and slammed its mouth hard into the wall of the cell. The small BD droid turned its port into a console stationed that activated a lazer gate. As the beast turned to lash out at them, the gate stung at its tendrils. The creature rolled in a tantrum before settling itself in the corner of a cell.

Creon and Rai’d sat flat on their bottoms and layed down on the floor in a heavy pant. “We got one, finally!” the Zabrak said.

“Call the calvary,” Creon replied, “Let them know we have a heavy load for them to carry.”

“That’s strange,” Rai’d remarked as he looked at his datapad. “I’m getting some interference. Some kind of sound at a frequency we can’t hear.”

“Where is it coming from?” Creon asked.

“From this room…”

Both of the Jedi then turned to look at the captured cephalopod. It’s mouth was opening and closing, expelling air in a howling motion but making no sound. “It’s calling for help,” Creon realized.

“I’m sure there aren’t anymore, right?” Rai’d asked with a nervous chuckle.

A distant clank of durasteel echoed far from them, and slowly grew louder.

“I think we should find a place to hide until the evac arrives,” said Creon.

Adept Tahiri Thorn Morte Tarentae, 6 February, 2021 4:11 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Starting the post from the ranthar’s point of view was an interesting and neat touch. The teamwork in this post was on point, and had great timing and flow.
The way you synced the characters was a perfect way of showing Creon's Battle Meditation. Awesome job.

Can Be Improved

There were a few errors, including a few misspellings of “rathtar”. This post felt a bit rushed, although it's still pretty satisfying story wise.

They planted their feet low and twisted their torso with a wave have of each hand, as if pulling something heavy across from them together.

I liked the imagery and what the characters were doing here, however I think autocorrect snuck in and ruined the flow a bit.