Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj vs. Acolyte Sinya Ani

Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj

Equite 4, Equite tier, Clan Taldryan
Male Human, Sith, Seeker, Imperial
vs.

Acolyte Sinya Ani

Journeyman 2, Journeyman tier, Clan Plagueis
Female Twi'lek, Force Disciple, Shadow
Comment

Thank you both for participating in the SARLACC competition and completing your matches. This match was close and reflects highly on both of you. From a technical standpoint, the match was solid with only a few syntax errors and no major realism or continuity issues. As is the case with many matches it came down to story.

Overall the plot was easy to follow, which is a good thing. Sometimes simple works. The old/young dynamic between the characters was established early on and carried throughout. The contrast between the characters was certainly a strong point in the match and provided an emotional throughline all the way to the very end. A common missed opportunity in both authors’ posts was the feeling I got as a reader that Andrelious wasn’t really in any danger. On the one hand, establishing his superior skill and control of the situation helped in the character contrast I mentioned but on the other, it takes away from the sense of suspense with the reader if it doesn’t feel like a character isn’t actually threatened. This is not a story detractor on the rubric, but more of a missed opportunity for both of you. In future matches try to look at your posts critically, if one of the characters is hitting nothing but successes in combat then maybe rethink what you’re doing and what impression you’re trying to create with your audience. With the ACC, even in cooperative type matches, you want both characters to be in some kind of mortal danger. Don’t be afraid to throw some bad luck your character’s way to mix things up and keep the reader guessing. That type of sustained engagement can often be the difference between a good post and a great post.

Story advantage decided this match and both myself and a second judge concurred that story advantage, and consequently, the match should go to Sinya for two reasons: First, Andrelious’ lack of action in the opening post and second, the strength of Sinya’s emotional note in the ending. Again, this match was extremely close and close matches often come down to a single mistake.

So you can both be proud of this match but Sinya is the winner!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj, Acolyte Sinya Ani
Winner Acolyte Sinya Ani
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Warlord Andrelious J. Inahj's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Acolyte Sinya Ani's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 25 January, 2021 5:14 AM UTC
Assigned Judge Champion Rajhin Cindertail
Syntax - 15%
Deleted Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 4 (Advantage) Score: 4
Rationale: Remarkably clean posts but you did misspell Sinya in a few places Rationale: Some noticeable misspellings or verb tense issues but nothing that detracted from the overall reading experience.
Story - 40%
Deleted Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Your characterization and dialogue were excellent but the plot was straightforward and didn’t take any creative risks. Your lack of action in the first post was a detractor. Rationale: The action in your posts was consistent and well-integrated with the dialogue and exposition. The emotional note of failure in your ending was a particular strong point.
Realism - 25%
Deleted Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Continuity - 20%
Deleted Nightsister Sinya Ani
Score: 5 Score: 5
Rationale: No issues that I could see. Rationale: No issues that I could see.
Deleted's Score: 4.12 Nightsister Sinya Ani's Score: 4.25
Posts

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The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Andrelious was not quite sure why he had been teamed up with a Journeyman who had turned out to be from Clan Plagueis. His best guess was that the Headmaster and her staff hadn’t yet been informed that the Sith had left the Dread Clan and returned to Taldryan, and had therefore expected that the Twi’lek was already familiar to him. The situation was particularly unusual for Inahj as it had turned out that Sinya was even shorter than he was.

“Perhaps I could stand on your shoulders when we actually meet up with this thing. I certainly won’t want you standing on mine,” Sinya commented as the strange pair moved through a ruined corridor.

“I’ve got a better idea. If we get too close then even my lightsaber might not be enough to ward off a Gundark that is quite possibly enraged and probably quite hungry. And I certainly don’t think those armoury trinkets you’re carrying are going to be of much use,” Andrelious replied.

“What exactly do you have in mind?” the Twi’lek questioned.

The Taldryanite gestured to the long barrelled sniper rifle strapped to his back. “Simple. We just get within sight of it. One shot from this and the job is done. I’m afraid you won’t get to learn much, but it’s been a long time since I was responsible for teaching others. Besides you’ll still get whatever reward Tearnan’s offering, and you won’t actually have needed to do any work.”

“The brief is that we’re supposed to capture them alive. Does your blaster have a stun setting?” Sinya queried.

“If it does, I’ve never used it. I’m not known for taking prisoners. I’ve told the Headmaster that much myself. I also do not know if the stun setting would even work on such a large beast. It’s not a risk I’m prepared to take,” Inahj answered.

Sinya did not want to push the point too hard. She hadn’t met Andrelious before, having joined Plagueis a few days after the former Imperial had returned to Taldryan. She had, however, been informed that the man was not somebody to be trifled with, and the young Twi’lek didn’t want to risk him turning his wrath on her; her survival in such an encounter was very unlikely indeed. Still, the idea of collecting a lesser reward by presenting a dead body to the Shadow Academy’s leadership was not one that the female was particularly happy with.

“You will not kill the creature. Our mission forbids it,” Sinya said, staring at Andrelious and waving her hand in the air.

“I will not kill the creature. Our mission forbids it,” the former Imperial responded robotically.

“Now that’s agreed, will you check your blaster for a stun setting?” the Plagueian queried, secretly delighted that her attempt to manipulate her teammate’s mind with the Force had worked so well. Andrelious examined his weapon carefully, but couldn’t find any kind of switch that suggested that it did indeed have a stun setting.

“It appears it does not. Now I wish I hadn’t got rid of my E-11,” Inahj stated, not entirely sure why he was bothered by this.

“Change of plan then?”

“No. I’ll just have to aim my shot to immobilise the Gundark. I’ll try and take out one of its kneecaps and hope that’s enough to stop it from charging at us. If it’s not, just get your lightsaber ready and hope its blade is powerful enough to do the job. I’ve never trusted those armoury lightsabers,” Andrelious explained.

The conversation had seemed to be going on for ages, but as the two Force users peeked into a large, open room that had once served as a cantina, they spotted a tall, six limbed creature with brown fur and red skin. It was not immediately obvious as to what the Gundark was actually doing, but it had its back to Andrelious and Sinya.

“Let’s get this done before it smells us,” the Taldryanite whispered, wasting no time in lining up his NT-242’s sights on the desired shot.

Sinya moved a little to her partner’s right, activating her lightsaber.

Andrelious steadied himself, his finger wrapping around the trigger of his blaster. Then he noticed something in his scope. The Gundark was turning, clearly having heard the snap-hiss of Sinya’s lightsaber.

“Ok. I think it’s time for plan Besh!” the Sith shouted, hurling his blaster to the ground and desperately activating his silver-hilted lightsaber.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 1 February, 2021 2:12 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

This post provided an exceptionally clean and smooth reading experience. You established the dynamic between the two characters and the basis for the match’s conflict right away.


Can Be Improved

Even in a coop match every post must have at least some action in it. The ACC rubric specifies that even for scenario matches “combat is an essential element.” This is a story detractor.

“Hutt spit!” The diminutive Twi’lek deactivated the amethyst blade and faded from sight. That was a novice mistake! I can’t believe I just did that! Sinya thought as she circled around to get a better angle on the charging red skinned adversary. Pulling the DL-44 from its hip holster, she aimed at the back of the enormous creature's head before pressing the trigger twice and promptly disappearing again. I hope that confused it. Warlord Inahj is probably pissed. Maybe I can make it up to him? she mused while moving to another position.

Though the old man leading this expedition didn’t physically inspire fear, his reputation sure did. Even Battlemaster Maveros had warned her not to get on Andrelious’ bad side if she wanted to come back from this mission alive.

The middle aged warlord did indeed look angry as he faced down the hungry gundark. The crimson blade of his lightsaber held high, ready to strike as the creature charged. The four armed monstrosity spun away from him to face the bright red plasma bolts that impacted the back of its head. This gave Andrelious a free shot and he capitalized on it. Leaping forward with a vicious slash, he severed one of the gundark’s lower arms. It flopped uselessly on the ground for a few seconds before lying still on the mossy carpet.

“All too easy. Hey, kid! Stop hiding in the shadows and get in here!”

The Gundark’s aganized howl pierced the air as it twisted back around to challenge the puny sentient that struck such a mighty blow. The crimson blade was already back at work slashing down on its knee. It cut deeply through the thick red hide. The smell of burning hair filled it’s nostrils as it retaliated, swinging its giant arm at the human.

Andrelious sensed the attack coming, but whether he underestimated the gundark’s strength or just plain refused to retreat from an inferior creature, he stood his ground. Snapping the lightsaber up into guard, he braced for impact. The mighty paw struck the lightsaber, wresting it from the warlord’s grip and tossing the stoic human five meters, where he collided with a wall before tumbling onto the soft mossy floor.

’Are you ok?’ Andrelious could hear the young girl’s concerned voice directly in his mind. As he slowly got back to his feet, he responded in kind. ’I’m fine. Get your head in the game, kid.’ he paused, looking around for his discarded or lost weapons.

The acrid smell of fresh blood mixed with the scent of musty moss as it was torn apart by the ugly creature’s giant talons. The Rutian stepped into existence behind the gundark, stabbing the purple blade of her lightsaber into the back of the creature’s knee all the way to the hilt. Moving with the fluid grace of a gymnast, she deftly avoided the retaliatory mule kick and vaulted onto the creature’s back...that’s when things took a turn for the worse….

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 1 February, 2021 2:12 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

The pacing of this post was excellent, you picked up the situation your opponent left you in the opening post and ran with it. Of particular note is how well you balance the action with dialogue (or mental messages in this case), this is something many struggle with.


Can Be Improved

The Gundark’s aganized howl pierced the air

You had a few minor spelling errors like this one that could have been caught with additional proofing.

Match was accidentally created as Alternative Ending. Closing and recreating.

Disregard previous staff post

Andrelious could not believe how much punishment the Gundark appeared to be able to take. As he saw it, he’d already cut one arm clean off and the creature’s knee had now had two lightsaber blades through it. What the Sith hadn’t realised was that the removed arm was of very little use to Gundark.

The Taldryanite was actually quite impressed with his partner. He suspected that she was going to blame herself for the Gundark having heard her lightsaber, but neither of them had realised that Gundarks had an excellent sense of hearing.

Finding and summoning his lightsaber to him, Andrelious reactivated it and charged back towards the Gundark, deciding he would approach and try to remove its legs. Retrieval was, as far as the Sith was concerned, somebody else’s problem. What Andrelious would have liked to have done was blast the Gundark with Force lightning, but with Sinha currently on its back, such an approach would cause a casualty and a diplomatic incident with Clan Plagueis.

“What are you waiting for?” Inahj yelled.

Sinha gripped tightly onto her lightsaber, resolving to jam its blade in the Gundark’s shoulder and try to remove one of the much larger and more powerful upper arms. She still had the mission in mind; she didn’t want to misplace her stab and end up with little more than a carcass. That second of hesitation was just enough time for the Gundark to throw her off its back and onto an upended table. As she impacted with the table, she released the grip on her weapon, which rolled harmlessly away.

The wounded Gundark now turned its attention to Andrelious, again swinging for the former Imperial with its right arm.

“Not this time!” Andrelious shouted, the Force having screamed a warning moments earlier. The Gundark’s arm swung through air as the Sith dropped to the ground.

Andrelious climbed back onto his feet and gazed at the Gundark’s wounded knee. He still could not fathom how the creature was still able to stand properly. It was then that he began to realise that the Gundark had clearly been affected by something that had fallen to Arx from the Nesolat platform. Something that had seemingly given the beast a much higher pain threshold.

The Gundark did not give Inahj a chance to consider the ramifications and tried to slam one of its arms hard on the Sith’s head, but again the Force came to Andrelious’ rescue and he sidestepped just in time.

Meanwhile, Sinha was back on her feet, her chest feeling very sore. She was going to need time to recover, but right now, she would have to fight on. As she got her breath back, she had an idea.

“If you want a snack, I’ll taste better than he will!” Sinya cried.

Andrelious looked over in her direction, but could not see the Twi’lek anywhere. The Gundark had also turned its attention to Sinya, and seemed very confused as to what had just happened.

Clever girl! the Sith thought as he realised what his partner had done.

It’s a shame I left Plagueis. I might have had a decent student!

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 1 February, 2021 2:13 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

What Andrelious would have liked to have done was blast the Gundark with Force lightning, but with Sinha currently on its back, such an approach would cause a casualty and a diplomatic incident with Clan Plagueis.

I really liked this sentence, it’s a good example of “show, don’t tell” for Andrelious’ casual indifference to the life of his comrade.


Can Be Improved

What Andrelious would have liked to have done was blast the Gundark with Force lightning, but with Sinha currently on its back

You misspelled your opponent’s name.

While you had a healthy amount of action in this post I couldn’t help but feel like things favored Anderlious a bit too much. This isn’t a story detractor per se, but it does diminish the threat the characters are facing and the dramatic tension when a character has nothing but combat successes.

Time seemed to slow down as Sinya watched from the shadows. Pain radiated from her chest as her breathing had become ragged and painful. Is that a broken rib? She couldn’t tell, but the fight wasn’t over. She couldn’t relax just yet. She watched, shrouded in the Force, as the gundark searched for her, sniffing the air to locate the hidden Rutian. The confusion caused by its disappearing quarry left it ill prepared for Andrelious’s next attack.

The warlord rushed in with a speed impossible for one in his physical condition. The red blade of his lightsaber targeting the already weakened leg had no trouble severing what was left of its knee. The creature screamed as it lost balance, tumbling to the floor.

The smell of burned flesh and moldy earth permeated the air as the robed Taldryanite stood over the downed creature. However, it was not ready to give up yet. Had it not been for the instinct tugging at the back of the veteran’s mind, the gundark’s left arm would have grabbed the short human. Andrelious stepped back just in time.

The war hero was tempted to drive his deadly crimson blade into the eye of the downed genetic experiment, but he had told the Twi’lek girl he would attempt to disable it. It was strange, he usually didn’t care what others thought, but he found that he didn’t want to disappoint the young Plagueian.

The Rutian was struggling to breath as she moved in to help. The rib was definitely broken. She was exhausted, each step taking more and more energy as her vision narrowed. The sound of the fight seemed to fade away into a distance echo as she realized the source of her plight...she was suffocating.

With a deftness belaying his age, Warlord Inahj easily avoided the flailing behemoth. Glancing around to make sure the journeyman was not too close, he grounded himself in a low stance, and channeled raw Force energy through his extended fingertips. The bright blue lightning arced into the thrashing gundark.

Sinya knelt on the ripped up moss that covered the metal floor. Closing her ebony eyes to the dimming tunnel overtaking her vision, she tapped into the Force with what energy she had left. The wounded Rutian concentrated on her broken rib and punctured lung, pushing the rib back into place with her mind and knitting closed the hole left behind in the deflating organ.

The gundark twitched under the prolonged onslaught of violent Force energy. It didn’t take long before its eyes rolled back and unconsciousness claimed its feral mind.

Andrelious prodded the immobile mass of flesh with the toe of his muddy black leather boot to ensure it was out cold. It had been a long while since he had left such an adversary alive and he didn’t want it to wake up while he was distracted.

The Journeyman Twi’lek was sitting cross legged in a deep meditation, sweat beading on her light blue skin. The Force shroud had dissipated when she had turned her attention to the injuries.

The veteran grabbed a small electronic device out of his belt pouch. Punching in some commands, he spoke into it. “Send the retrieval team. One gundark incapacitated and ready for collection at the coordinates you just received.”

Retrieval team enroute, Standby for extraction.” the formal tone of a seasoned dispatcher responded.

“Okay kid, we can go now. There’ll be medics on the shuttle to fix you up.” The older man looked fresh, like he had just gone for a brisk jog whereas his younger companion was completely exhausted. “You need to work on your stamina, kid. Cardio is your friend, remember that.”

Sinya nodded. Disappointed in herself, angry even. This was a complete disaster. At least Warlord Inahj managed to complete the mission despite my failure. I must train harder.

“You’ve got a bright future kid. Don’t be discouraged, let it fuel you,” the Warlord said as parting wisdom while the medical droid applied a sedative. She tried to hold onto her consciousness, but it slipped away like water through her fingers.

Champion Rajhin Cindertail, 1 February, 2021 2:13 AM UTC

Positive Takeaways

Sinya nodded. Disappointed in herself, angry even. This was a complete disaster. At least Warlord Inahj managed to complete the mission despite my failure. I must train harder.

From a story standpoint, I really liked that you ended on a note of Sinya feeling defeated. Who hasn’t messed something up only to be bailed out by a senior or teammate? This provided some emotional weight to what otherwise would have been a fairly limited combat encounter.


Can Be Improved

The sound of the fight seemed to fade away into a distance echo as she realized the source of her plight...she was suffocating.

You had some syntax issues like this one where the word was technically spelled correctly but was the incorrect tense. A good way to find errors like this is to read your passages aloud as you’re proofing them.