Ranger Creon Saldean vs. Peacekeeper Elyon de Neverse

Ranger Creon Saldean

Equite 2, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Male Human, Jedi, Defender, Guardian
vs.

Peacekeeper Elyon de Neverse

Equite 1, Equite tier, Clan Odan-Urr
Female Human, Jedi, Defender
Comment

First of all, let me say thank you for competing and completing your SALRACC match! This was a unique one as far as I’ve seen thus far, in the approach and methodology used to sorta complete the mission. I gave some leeway on that bit because both your characters are obviously Jedi and taking escaped beasts back to the Academy is a dubious proposition at best. I question the logic and believability of bringing a random cargo ship to the capital of the Brotherhood, the world full of Sith lords and such, but these are self-contained little stories.

Both of you could have benefited from more combat/action in your posts, neither of you really had any in your second round. Also more proofing, but we always says that and neither of you was that bad off on that front.

Creon, you need to respect the aspects of your fellow, or better justify your deviations (Elyon being shook after the brief encounter despite her general and personality aspects). Elyon having her minor break could have been related to the vornskr’s poisonous tail attack that both of you just seemed to forget happened in her post, for example.

Elyon, show don’t tell! You wrote some good imagery in your second post, but just basically handwaved your action in your first one. Apply that same level of descriptiveness to your action portions and you would have easily pulled a 4 in Story this match.

At the end of the day this is still a match despite the collaborative effort, which means...Elyon is the winner with a score of 3.725!

Hall SARLACC [2021]
Messages 4 out of 4
Time Limit 3 Days
Battle Style Singular Ending
Battle Status Judged
Combatants Ranger Creon Saldean, Peacekeeper Elyon de Neverse
Winner Peacekeeper Elyon de Neverse
Force Setting Standard
Weapon Setting Standard
Ranger Creon Saldean's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Peacekeeper Elyon de Neverse's Character Snapshot Snapshot
Venue [Scenario] SARLACC 2021, Round 1: Breached Hot Labs
Last Post 30 January, 2021 10:02 PM UTC
Assigned Judge General Stres'tron'garmis
Syntax - 15%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Elyon de Neverse
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Multiple minor errors throughout both posts, nothing Major Rationale: Some comma issues and you missed a couple of spaces.
Story - 40%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Elyon de Neverse
Score: 3 Score: 3 (Advantage)
Rationale: Some interesting ideas offset by confusing word choices and sentence structure and an overall lack of conflict/action. Rationale: Lack of action brought this down a bit, but creativity in your ending post brought it back up.
Realism - 25%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Elyon de Neverse
Score: 3 Score: 4
Rationale: Major error concerning Battle Meditation and several minor as detailed in post notes. Rationale: You had some issues in first post, detailed in those notes
Continuity - 20%
Lieutenant Creon Neverse Elyon de Neverse
Score: 4 Score: 4
Rationale: You completely ignore the injuries sustained in Elyon's first post, concerning the vornskr's tail attack. Rationale: You also ignored injuries suffered in your first post
Lieutenant Creon Neverse's Score: 3.2 Elyon de Neverse's Score: 3.72
Posts

header

The Fourteenth Great Jedi War left deep wounds across the surface of Arx. One such victim, unnoticed by the Brotherhood at large, was the Corrino Research Laboratory on the marshy continent of Uskil. The Collective had assaulted the Shadow Academy's Nesolat platform to gain access to the surface of Arx, its strategic importance dwarfing its role as an isolated research facility. When the battle moved to the planet's surface, the Nesolat was discarded like so much chaff, and debris from the disintegrating station was scattered across the planet.

Some of that debris struck the specimen habitat, damaging them enough for the specimens contained within to escape into Uskil’s swampy wilderness. In the aftermath of the invasion, playing animal control was a low priority for the Iron Throne, but the beasts became more of a nuisance—and even a danger—as time went on. Their exposure to the maelstrom of Force energies around Uskil, stirred up by the Grand Master’s ritual during the invasion, has made the creatures aggressive and unpredictable.

Rather than wandering Uskil’s swampy, storm-soaked wildlands, many of the escaped beasts have since returned to their ruined habitats, finding the climate more to their liking; it was designed for them, after all. They’ve since become extremely territorial, attacking any Shadow Academy staff who try to remove them so the habitats can be rebuilt. Rather than continue to delay the Academy’s research and sacrifice hapless construction workers and lab technicians, the Headmistress has put out a call to any members of the Brotherhood who are willing to help with the problem.

Your goal in this scenario is to subdue and capture the hostile creature so that it can be transported to a different facility for further testing. As the creature has been modified by the Academy’s scientists, the Headmistress would strongly prefer that you capture it alive, rather than killing it and forcing the researchers to make do with data from a dead specimen.

Arx Minor was in a crescent phase leaving little light over the dark swamps of Uskil. The Deliverance landed just off the southeastern shore where the remnants of the Corrino Research Lab stood. Two hooded Jedi exited the hangar with a pair of droids and approached the abandoned facility at a light pace. The slightly shorter Jedi lifted her hood and scanned the terrain once the two cleared a hill off the shoreline. Her blue eyes were drawn to the fenced swamped forest; it was one of the many outdoor properties sanctioned for housing the lab’s specimens in their natural habitat. She led the other Jedi who was clad in armor who acted as her protector in their mission.

Past the brush bordering the swamp lands the air became more dense and humid. The ground was a soft muck that caked at their boots. The forest’s moss covered trees blocked out the moonlight, but to their reprieve was seeded with singing bioluminescent insects. Their glow was reminiscent of a low lamped hue that brought the night to life. While Creon was distracted by the terrain’s aesthetic appeal, Elyon knelt down and analyzed a paw print she had spotted in the mud.

“We are getting close,” she said with soft delight.

“What are the chances one could be sleeping here? It seems so peaceful,” Creon inquired.

The peacekeeper shook her head in protest, “They are nocturnal by nature, and we arrived just after the eventide. Most Vornskr would be awake by now looking for breakfast.”

Creon nodded and kept a keen eye on the shadows between the glistening bulbs of the floating bugs whilst following Elyon’s lead. However, he became more and more entranced by the new colors of bioluminescent species decorated in different territories of the woods. Had it not been for a tremor in the Force alarming them both, the pouncing Vornskr would have caught them in a vulnerable surprise. Instead, Creon’s spray of flame from his vambraces stopped the canine in its attack and with a snarl it retreated.

“Don’t scare them, they’re difficult to reason with once frightened!” Elyone exclaimed with a bursting sprint towards the retreating Vornskr.

“I’m sorry,” Creon huffed, catching up with her.

The Vornskr darted in random directions to try to lose the Jedi’s trail, but was in vain from their enhanced speed. It continued along large roots that kept it from sinking in the murky waters of the swamp. The swamp was dotted with small islands with a single tree in each center that connected to each other from the protruding roots. Elyon slowed her pace to rest at the first tree to catch her breath. Creon turned to look back at his comrade, but she waved him off to continue his pursuit. He followed the beast through a large wall of brush that opened into a sunken grove. The Vornskr stopped running and turned to face Creon with a low growl and gnashing teeth.

Creon raised both of his hands up in peace and tried to reach out with the Force to make contact with the creature’s mind, but to no avail. This is so different than with more intelligent species. The brief said they were sensitive to the Force, so why isn’t it working?! His senses then felt a large collective presence in the Force surrounding him. Feelings of fear, pain, and anger through fragment memories of torture flooded his mind. More Vornskr rose from the shadows in every direction, surrounding the lone guardian in the pit. Creon drew his two lightsabers and ignited the blades and took a defensive posture with a slow rotation. “You led me straight into an ambush,” Creon said to the Vornskr he had chased earlier.

“Clever girl…”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 7 February, 2021 2:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


You quickly set the terrain up, as well as designated the beast you and your companion are tracking.

Can Be Improved


You could have used some proofing on sentence structure and word choice.

The Vornskr darted in random directions to try to lose the Jedi’s trail
As written, the above doesn’t actually make sense, as the Jedi’s trail would be something the vornskr would be following.

Also, vornskr is the name of the species, not the name of the individual, and isn’t a proper noun, so it should not be capitalized.

Elyon jumped to the branches of the tree, under which she took in the scene below her. She was high enough that a Vornskr could not attack her but Creon was not so lucky. With the help of the Force, she jumped from one branch to another, approaching where her protector stood in the siege of the creatures. She finally stood on a branch from which she could hit. Elyon then closed her eyes and used her mind to reach out to the Force so that she could connect with him through her Telepathy.

"Please stay calm. Don't attack them and give them no reason to attack." Elyon said and looked at Creon.

"I understand." He answered, still rotating in a defensive position. Elyon watched him for a moment, thinking of a plan.

"So Creon, please turn your back to me." Elyon spoke through the Force and unbuckled her lightsaber from her belt.

"But Elyon ..." Creon wasn't sure. "Trust me, please." Elyon interrupted him. "Okay." Creon answered and began to turn his back on Elyon. The moment Creon had his back to her, Elyon jumped up, turned in flight, and landed with her back to Creon. After landing, she ignited her lightsaber with a snap-hiss and her blue blade came to life.

"What will we do now?" Creon asked, looking at creatures around them.

"As I said, we mustn't attack them. Something is not right. They are more sensitive to the Force. I will try to connect with them but I am not sure what will happen in the next few moments." Elyon said and waited for his agreement.

"Okay. Do what you can," Creon said as he looked at creatures, who began to walk around them in a circle.

Elyon reached out with her left hand and closed her eyes. Then she placed her mind in the Force and focused on her ability to control creatures. "We don't want to hurt you. We're friends." Elyon chose a clear message to send to all the creatures around her. She tried to be careful but emphatic. Nothing happened for a moment, and then suddenly one of the Vornskr stopped for a moment. He stared at them for several heartbeats. But then the creature started running and jumped up and hit both of them with a venomous tail. After hitting the ground, he turned quickly and was ready for another attack.

"All right, change of plan. We'll try to intimidate them and give us more time so we don't end up as a snack." Elyon told Creon through the Force. "* Okay. " Creon said, ready to fight.
"
When the Vornskr attacks us, we will throw him and the other creatures away from us.*" The two Jedi stood ready when the Vornskr attacked. The moment this happened, they both summoned the Force and repelled all the creatures around them. The creatures crashed into the trees and fled quickly.

General Stres'tron'garmis, 7 February, 2021 2:09 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


An interesting use of Telepathy to creatures that don't have any idea what you're saying, we'll see how that pans out.

Can Be Improved


Be clear what you're doing, show don't tell, your very first line says you 'jumped to the branches' of a tree. If you'd said you climbed, this wouldn't have been an issue, but jumping suggests a feat far beyond your Athletics ability, and nothing about it suggested you used Amplification to boost your ability.

As with Creon's first post, vornksr isn't a proper noun, don't capitalize this.

You could really expand on the actions you're writing, as again, show don't tell, you simply stated some things as happening without much explanation. It made quicker bits (the vornksr stinging them with its tail) difficult to parse, and the complete lack of reaction from the two of you lacks story impact.

You picked up a Minor Realism detractor for your ending use of Telekinesis, as both Elyon and Creon have it at a similar level of +3, which states ‘the Force User can wield Telekinesis in the heat of battle. Most objects can be moved instantaneously, so long as no opposing force is applied, and sizable objects take a few seconds of concentration. For one, the vornskr is a ‘large predator’, which would be sizable in this context, two, they’re charging which is most certainly an ‘opposing force’ to what you’re trying to do.

When the last of the pack disappeared into the brush the mood had settled. There was an eerie silence due to a lack of wind and the insects had ceased their singing. “We should move,” Creon said at a low tone. Elyon agreed, and the pair retreated to the swamp they previously encountered in their pursuit of the lone vornskr. Not a moment too soon after they arrived the echo of distant howls resonated in multiple directions. The Odanites hesitated, unsure of which path to take that would avoid another encounter with the canines. With each passing moment the howls grew in number that far exceeded the pack from the grove.

“What do we do? You have a plan for things like this right?” Elyon asked with fear in her tone. Creon looked her in the eyes and saw the iris’ enlarged and her body tremble.

Creon looked up towards the trees and spotted one that reached higher than most. “We climb,” he answered.

They moved along the roots that bridged the trees from the muck. Halfway along the way Elyon’s foot slipped from a slime coated root and caused her to fall into the mud and scrape her cheek. Creon turned and extended his hands to pull her out with the Force and caught her in his arms. From the edges of the swamp the vornskr poured in from all directions. Creon swept his companion off her feet and made an enhanced leap to their targeted tree with a single bound. He switched his focus from his legs to arms and gently tossed her up near the tree where she caught herself on a thick branch. The soldier then climbed each branch from the lowest, and sliced each one in passing with a lightsaber. He wasn’t sure if the vornskr were able to climb, but didn’t want to take the risk of finding out. Once he had joined the same branch as Elyon settled, Creon drew his WESTAR 35 and flicked it’s selector to set for stun.

The vornskr surrounded them in an alarming number. It was shocking to see that they were able to come together beyond a simple wolf pack. The Force was strong in them, and felt amplified under their unity. Creon let off a warning shot in the trunk in front of them, which raised a row of ears and a hymn of low growls.

“I don’t think that’s going to help. My senses tell me they feel anger, not fear,” Elyon said.

“You can feel their emotions? Do you know why they still attacked even after you reached out to them?”

“I’m not entirely sure. I told them we were friends, but I think from their captivity from the Sith they don’t trust us. They also see you as hostile, which doesn’t help our chances.”

Four vornskr made their way to the trunk of their tree. One of them scrapped its claws deep into the wood suggestively while looking at the two jedi with angry eyes and a show of teeth. Creon watched Elyon’s face as she paused at the big bad wolves below. Her spirits were fading and she was hiding her stress, but could find no respite in their current situation. He placed a gentle hand at her chin and moved her face to look to his and asked, “Could you show me how you talk to them?”

“It takes practice, I don’t think I can.”

“I know a technique that will put our heads together. If you’ll let me be one with your mind, I can understand what it is you’re doing when you reach out to them.”

Be one with my mind? This seemed a bit more intimate than simple telepathy. Under the circumstances however, it may be wise to accept Creon’s aid considering there weren’t many other options available. She nodded in acceptance, closed her eyes, and opened herself to his bond. Their minds soon melded, sharing the images in their imaginations and the words of their thoughts and the colors of their emotions. Their signals of information emitted to each other like the luminescence of stars. She took note of the sensations of attraction and repulsion as their minds orbited around each other in a shared mental plane.

This is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before through the Force. I expected something similar to Telepathy. This is different. This is more…

Intimate, yes. But don’t worry, Creon emitted with his mind seeming slightly more distant, I won’t be close enough to be your soul mate. I just want to witness how you influence the creatures you commune with. Try reaching out to them.

Elyon focused on the vornskr closest to them at the base of their trunk. She reached out in the Force like an oscillation wave from her mind. The connection was accepted by the creature, bringing its presence to their shared awareness. She felt an attraction sensation come from Creon’s mind through images of admiration for her as a Jedi and emotions of caring for her as her protector. She responded with feelings of joy and openness, which brought him closer to orbit. Her focus then shifted to the distant presence of the vornskr.

We come in peace. Please, we are here to help as friends.

The connection of her message felt as if it was received, but there was no reply from the creature.

He’s ignoring me. I fear they just don’t care, Elyon thought to Creon.

I remember you said you can feel their emotions. Maybe using words to send information isn’t registering to them. These creatures don’t use language, try communicating with just emotions or images.

It made sense to her, and was something she hadn’t considered before. She had relayed emotions and intent to creatures before, but would use her words to help communicate in tandem. She reached out again, sending emotions of kindness and grace to the distant mind. A wave of fear and anger struck her mind in reply.

I know it may not seem like it, but this is good. Be empathetic to their feelings. Absorb their memories and pain. If they know that we understand their suffering, it may open them up to peace, Creon thought.

They were tortured; forced into submission and starved to the brink of cannibalizing their own family. They have been shocked at the neck for walking in areas they knew not to be forbidden. Their pups have had their eyelids removed so as to not blink when sprayed with chemicals. Brother was forced to fight brother for amusement. Entire packs were made to fight packs under a beastmaster’s command. The Sith saw them as lesser, without a heart that could be broken and filled with hate. It was a living hell, with no hope unless they embraced the darkness that turned them into the demons they sought vengeance against. The Sith didn’t care, for the power of their birthright spawned an ego of selfishness and a lust for more that can never be truly satisfied. All of the suffering they had endured crashed into Elyon’s mind like a tidal wave. The physical beatings, the mental stress and confusion, and the heartbreak of hopelessness. The desire for death…

Creon’s mind had been severed from her presence once the disturbing images and feelings drowned her. She was alone in the ocean of darkness and sorrow. She cried and fell forward, but Creon caught her and held her steady. She couldn’t feel him, but instead a pool of memories filled with torment.

“Elyon look. I think you did it,” Creon said verbally.

She opened her eyes and wiped away her tears. She saw the army of canines seated in uniform. She no longer felt the sense of their hostilities, but instead acceptance. Their tails were even wagging. She understood what they had gone through and was ready to listen to her. She realized that in that state of sorrow she wasn’t alone. She had been connected with the vornskr she bonded with through the Force, who in turn shared a similar bond with the others in his pack and their neighboring packs.

“This is it,” Creon assured. “What you do now will represent who we are as the Jedi to these creatures. Show them that we are not like the Sith, and that we can try to live together in harmony in a new land far from this place. Go on, I believe in you.”

General Stres'tron'garmis, 7 February, 2021 2:10 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


These creatures don’t use language, try communicating with just emotions or images.
There it is! The proper Telepathy use for dealing with creatures, well done!

Some interesting mental imagery, if preachy.

Can Be Improved


The Odanites hesitated, unsure of which path to take that would avoid another encounter with the canines.
Why would you be avoiding them now? The goal was to capture them.

“What do we do? You have a plan for things like this right?” Elyon asked with fear in her tone. You ignored two of Elyon's aspects here, the General one that shows she's a veteran of some pretty severe conflicts, and the Personality one about facing such things with a cheery disposition. Why would a couple of big dogs break her?

Your realism issue for this post came twofold with Battle Meditation. First of all, and this was the big one, even with Force Meld it does not replace Telepathy nor make your Telepathy stronger, at no point in the description of the power does it do this. It’s about morale and working better in concert, not replacing another power. We have Telepathy for a reason, this was writing a power as doing something it does not do. The second bit here is Elyon somehow forcing a vornskr into the meld, which Battle Meditation can bolster allies who've been drawn in or demoralize enemies, but it can't just force unwilling creatures into it. Not to mention Creon was in control of it, so he'd have to connect with anything/one being drawn in.

Syntax, you had a few comma errors and messed up an its/it’s (the former being possessive, as it turning on the Westar’s stun setting in this case)

"Thank you, Creon." Elyon said quietly, because she was still absorbing the sensations which she saw and felt in their minds. Even the battlefields of the Clone Wars did not prepare her for such a thing.

"I need to get deeper so that they can trust me and uncover the connection through which we will both be able to prove our intentions to them," Elyon said, looking into Creon's green eyes. At that moment, she saw again his inner light, which was like a guarding star to her. "Thank you for being here," she finally said after a while and tried to smile. "Can I take your hand?" Elyon asked, hoping he would agree.

"Of course," he answered and took her hand. It was important to Elyon for many reasons, but most of all it was a strong connection that would not allow her to drown in the sea of ​​memories.

After she was sure she wouldn't let another wave into the darkness, Elyon closed her eyes and reached back to Vornskrs’ distant mind to pass on another message. She focused on feeling compassion and understanding, but at the same time she was ready to continue listening and learning from them.

She must not be above them but in line with them or even a little below them, she thought.They looked up at the Sith for too long with hatred and anger. Now the two Jedi listen to them and acknowledge their uniqueness and share their pain with them.

The message was accepted on their part. Elyon was again hit by a wave of sensations like a tidal wave, but this time much stronger and more painful. They were hunted and captured as if they were not living beings. Catching eyes were set everywhere, which caused pain and it could even amputate limbs. They were pitted against each other in the struggle for survival. Sith even cut the mothers' bellies to see if the pups would survive at various stages of development. The atrocities committed against them were engraved on their minds and bodies.

Tears streamed down Elyon's face. She was unable to perceive anything around her. She was completely open and devoted to the connection with the Vornskrs.

That's it. Stay with them and listen to them. You're doing well. As if from a great distance, Creon spoke to her through their connection. He sat next to her on a branch and felt everything she did. Through their connection, he felt that Elyon was beginning to weaken under the weight of everything she saw and felt. But at the same time, he felt her determination to help these creatures and end their suffering. He held her hand and watched the sensations, which continued to roll like waves.

Elyon continued to remain in touch with the Vornskr, who passed on to her their torturous lives in fear, despair, hatred, and pain. However, they also showed her one essential thing, a bond that would not break from pain or any command. It was pure unity. There was a connection between them that the Jedi and other species had long been trying in vain for. Harmony in unity.

Suddenly the sea seemed to calm down and just rustle softly. The sensations of memories and pain disappeared. Instead, there was silence and peace. At that moment, Elyon felt the minds of all the creatures sitting directly below her, looking at them. She felt their confidence and the same openness she had. She saw the world now through their eyes. Forest and swamp as a place of refuge that has been intertwined with a number of paths and abbreviations that help them get to safety. At the same time, Elyon felt their attachment to the Force. It was much stronger than she knew of other species. And she appreciated all the more that they had given them a chance to see. It was all an incredible gift for them.

Elyon slowly opened eyes and wiped away her tears. First, she looked down at the pack sitting obediently below them. And then she looked at Creon. "Did you feel it?" she asked him, looking into his eyes.

"Yes, I did, but I've never felt anything like it." Creon shook his head.

"Neither have I. Such a strong connection with each other and with the Force. That's unbelievable," Elyon remarked in amazement and looked down again. "I think we can go down now. They won't attack us anymore." She said and raised her head again to her companion.

"Thank you for being here and sharing everything with me. If you weren't here, I would hardly be able to handle it alone." Elyon said, trying to smile again. It was true, because without his inner light and his power, it would mean that she would drown in a sea of suffering and pain.

"I was honored to experience it with you. I have never experienced anything like this. The memory of this connection will remain with me forever." Creon said, looking into their blue eyes. Their minds reunited to seal the connection with Vornskr, but also between them.

"You're right, we can go down. I'll climb first to choose the best route." Creon said, moving along the branch toward the trunk.

"I understand." Elyon answered and followed him. With caution, the pair of Jedi slowly descended the stumps left of the branches before Creon cut them to secure them.

When the Jedi couple finally re-entered the solid ground, the question arose as to what to do next. Both Elyon and Creon bowed deeply to the creatures to show their respect for them. The Vornskrs followed suit and also lowered their heads.

"What about them now?" Creon asked, looking at them.

"We'll save them. And take them back to their home planet. I've already chosen a more remote place on one of the local continents where they can live without being disturbed," she answered and looked at them as well.

"You're right, they deserve peace after everything they've been through." Creon agreed with joy in his heart that they would find peace and harmony. "How do we do that?" he asked, looking back at Elyon.

"I have ordered a cargo ship to take them safely before this mission start. The captain is from Naboo, and he has guaranteed that he can carry anything. But he will probably be surprised to find out that he will be transporting members of this species." Elyon sighed, then she reached back to distant consciousness to pass on another message. She focused on the memories of the transport and their home planet, but added a glow to them and calm to understand that they will be safe. The next moment Elyon could feel the creatures negotiating, their final verdict was not agreed unanimously, but in the end they agreed to the move.

"So we'll return to the shuttle then you can send a signal to the cargo ship." He understood and looked at Elyon.

"Exactly. Can we go?" she answered Creon and then looked at the Vornskr, with whom she was in first contact. The Vornskr lowered his head again, making it clear that they were ready.

The two Jedi, followed by a pack, left their post and headed back to the shuttle. The luminescent insects began to dawn, they no longer shone around and hid. “Would you be here with them so they don't think we want to fool them?” Elyon asked her companion when they reached the shuttle.

"Yes, I'll wait with them. You're right, it'll be safer," Creon answered and looked at the creatures. Elyon ran to the shuttle to send a signal.

Before long, the engines of an approaching ship rumbled overhead. The small cargo ship made one small ring over and then landed just a few feet from the shuttle. Elyon stepped out of the shuttle, nodded at Creon, and went to talk to the ship's captain. Creon and the pack followed. The moment Creon saw the captain of the ship, Elyon was giving him many strips of credits.

"You didn't tell me I'd have to take these monsters." The captain, who was a man of a stockier figure and not in a very good mood, turned on her.

"They're not monsters," Creon said seriously before Elyon could speak. "They're creatures who need to be taken to their home planet. Plus, you've been paid well, as I see it," the soldier added a little haughtily and forcefully to indicate to the captain who was in command. After thinking for a while, the captain came to the conclusion that he would not win in the next confrontation, so he agreed.

It's time to say goodbye. We were honored to know you and share your consciousness, Elyon told the creature through the Force. At the same time, she sent this message through feelings of respect and esteem. The creatures responded with a sense of gratitude. The main Vornskr female approached them and the two Jedi stroked her affectionately.

You're welcome, we'll never forget you, Creon thought as he watched as the female led her pack into the hold. After they boarded, she looked at them once more and sent them a message through the Force. It was a wave of gratitude and hope. The hope she no longer hoped for...

General Stres'tron'garmis, 7 February, 2021 2:10 PM UTC

Positive Takeaways


So I'm going along with Elyon having the Telepathy to pull off what you did here, and with building off the previous posts this was a pretty great resolution to the whole thing. A creative solution to the problem most people have been writing out as stunning/killing/beating them into submission.

Can Be Improved


You seem to flip-flop on when to use a comma or a period on dialogue sections. If you're following dialogue with anything (she said, spoke lowly, etc), you need a comma to denote the previous bit is connected to the following bit. That's it, that's all there is to it!

Don't forget this is the Antei Combat Center, lack of action isn't really going to determine who won this match because neither of you had much, but in the future remember it should make up a good chunk of your writing.